Friendly favour - L.DH.
In which you're a curious virgin with touch repulsion and a very devoted friend.
genre: fluff, angst, smut, college!au, best friend!Donghyuck, pining
word count: 20.9k
warnings (aka spoilers): touch repulsion, anxiety, daddy issuess, protected sex, loss of virginity, i guess no sub-dom energy, fingering, vaginal penetration, alcohol consumption, and mentions of: sexual abuse, masturbation, asexuality and college struggle; inconsequent narration and my writing skills (that's a serious warning)
taglist: @hyucks-things @count-your-shadows @wownajaemin @riemshyuck @resceluwu @lauraneuuh @tyongpoetry @subhyuck @ukiyolixx @angel-hyuckie @jiye0n0 @readers-posts @junglewoos @nanas-gf @ddontyoumind (I'm sorry, for some reason tumblr won't let me tag you)
a/n: sorry for the delay, i had to edit it twice (since tumblr didn't save it for the first time) therefore the second time it was a bit rushed. Hope you'll enjoy it anyway. Feedback is welcome (:
You really try to not show how bothered you are with a specific Bridgertons episode playing on the TV. A young girl lying in bed pleasuring herself in a dimmed bedroom, moaning. Her pants echoing in the room, expressions suggestive making you uneasy.
âYo, do you remember your first orgasm?â
Apparently Donghyuck does not feel awkward at all. He slouches on the other side of the couch looking at you with curious eyes. His words hang in the air causing you to pent up as if getting ready for the conversation your friend starts.
âYouâre assuming a lot by asking this question.â Not sure what to do with yourself you decide to just keep nibbling popcorn from a shared bowl.
âAssuming what exactly?â
Your lips are twitching as you hold back the nervous smile. Your eyes are avoiding his, staring at the padded out masturbation scene playing right in front of you.
âWell, first of all, you assume that I've ever orgasmed.â You clear your throat and steady your voice so it sounds strong and confident above moans and gasps coming from the speakers. âSecond of all, to orgasm you have to either have sex or masturbate. In case you forgot, I'm not fond of physical contact.â
You indirectly indicate your virginity - you know Donghyck knows, even though it was never really said out loud.Youâre not fond of the proximity with others and need wide personal space.
Because of your touch repulsion and Donghyuckâs liking for it, you two had a serious fight at the beginning of your friendship. When you first met at the start of the college, you quickly clicked, enjoying each other's company; talking for hours, fitting into almost every subject even if not agreeing about the topic, both of you ready to dispute.
Thatâs why naturally affectionate Hyuck freely hugged you a few times and impulsively touched your hand during heated conversation. When your calm cautions werenât working you snapped, which made him hurt and you unnerved, you two not talking for almost a week before it took Renjun to convince both of you to talk out the miscommunication.
That actually brought you two even closer as you worked out how to balance each other's needs. Hyuck worked on withholding his touch impulse towards you while you learned to accept his affection when he asked to. After a year, Hyuckâs endearment became so familiar that sometimes it was you who came to him for a hug when you felt down, the fact he didnât make a big deal out of it - as it was natural for him to be touchy with others - made you at ease.
âI admit, I assume that as a twenty year old person not having sex you touch yourself and - for your sake I hope - you are able to make yourself cum. So, do you remember the first time you came?â
You bring your knees closer to your chest, placing feet on the couch. Itâs not the first time you talk about sex. Sometimes even you started the convo, being confused and asking Hyuck about intimate stuff you didnât understand. It never felt personal like this one, though. You could say you didnât remember but he knows when you lie - he once straight up told you your emotions are written all over your face and he can read you like an open book. If you didnât reply that would mean you remember but are too chicken to answer.
âI do.â You say too loudly considering the small space, late hour and quiet noises coming from the tv. âUm...Iâm going to get more popcorn. Wanna something to drink?â You ask, as if heâs not holding a bottle of water in his grip.
âWhy are you dodging the question?â
âI do not. I already told you I do remember. Thatâs what you asked about.â
He frowns. âBut I want you to tell me how was it.â
âWhy?â you whine.
âBecause I'm a curious creature.â
âBut itâs embarrassingâ
âItâs not. Masturbation is normal. I jack off too. Besides we talked about stuff like that earlier and you were fine with it.â
You make a sound to let out your awkwardness and frustration with Hyuckâs insight.
âItâs embarrassing for me as a personal experience, not a discussion topic.â
âOh, now Iâm intrigued. Tell me, pleaseâ
âNo. I wanna treat my eyes with those absurd costumes so let it go.â
âY/n.â He whines. âIt canât be worse than my first orgasm.â
You glance at him, suddenly you liking where this was going.
âYouâve never told me so I can't tell whether it was worse or not.â
Poor boy doesn't even hesitate.
âI jacked off after school because I popped a boner when a girl I had a crush on sat on my lap. It was the first time and I was so shocked when I saw how far my sperm shot. And then my mom came with the laundryâ
âOh.â Your eyes are wide open, you turn to the screen to hide your warm cheeks. âThatâs interesting. Now that I know I can tell that mine truly wasnât that bad. Thanks for the info though.â And just like that you put popcorn into your mouth.
âHey! Now itâs your turn.â
âMy turn on what?â
âTell me about your first orgasm. I told you about mineâ
âBut we never discussed story exchange. You told me yours willingly for free.â
âYeah, but⌠I thoughtâŚâ He stutters. âCouldn't you justâŚâ The boy falls back blue into his end of the couch. âWhy are you like this?â he mutters.
Thereâs a shadow of betrayal in his voice so you risk a glance in his direction. Heâs sprawled on the long couch (which he dragged to the flat specially for your personal space liking and got scolded by his roommate Johnny for cluttering the space) with a frown on his face, eyesight absently laid on the screen. Sight of the kicked puppy presented to you as evidence of hurt.
You sigh defeated.
âI came with one touch.â
âYou what?â
âYou wanna hear it or not?â Your confidence wavering slightly nonetheless you continue as he gives you an attentive look waiting for you to keep going. âI guess it was at the beginning of high school. I remember lying in my bed ready to sleep but I couldn't because I was really pent up and didn't know why and I heard that women masturbate too but back then it was weird for me and I didn't want to⌠touch myself down there. But it felt nice when I touched my thighs and abdomen and when I actually⌠you know.â He nods and you avert your eyes embarrassed. âI came right away.â
He processes your words for a moment before speaking up.
âHow did you know that was it?â He asks with furrowed brows. âLike itâs easy for guys because you have visible evidence but how did you know what you felt was an orgasm?â Mother and daughter, the boy has more questions. âWell,â you take a deep breath. âI was confused at first. Really confused. It was literally electrifying and I know it sounds corny but thatâs exactly how it felt. Like you know how fresh and ozon smelly the atmosphere is after the rainstorm? Like the air feels lighter and cooler? Thatâs how I felt. Am I too descriptive now? Stop me if I'm talking too much.â He shakes his head. âOkay... So when I touched myself again it hurt and then I was even more puzzled. It took me a few minutes to figure out that I must have came.â
Your friend looks lost in his thoughts. Although itâs not rare between you two you just shared a very intimate experience with him and feel slightly anxious about the prolonged quietness heâs giving you.
âSay something.â Donghyuck takes a long sip from the bottle heâs holding and then puts it back on the coffee table next to the couch. He makes himself comfortable, resting his back on the armrest to face you.
âSo. I know it might be silly question but Iâm not a sex spec either, especially when it comes to the women poit of view. But. Isnât it usually and iâm saying usually because i donât know for sure and iâm trying to get to know now and now when i think about it itâs rather a one time thing to know it so itâs not really measurable. And it probably depends also on the size of the thing but my point is that you said you came with one touch but I thought that itâs painful when you put something bigger than a tampon in your vagina for the first time and I'm confused right now.â
âI donât know.â You cover your face with your palms, hiding blush from your friend when you realize how detailed this convo is. âIâve never put anything there. I donât use tampons. And when I said I touched myself once and came I didn't mean inside just⌠ughâŚâ
âYour clit.â
âYeah.â
âSo since that time you get off only by playing with your clit?â He asks surprised.
You groan embarrassed but don't deny nor correct and at that his back straightens up as he moves his arms onto his lap, fidgeting.
âYouâve never had anything inside your vagina like ever?â Donghyuck clears his throat and you just wanna leave the room to go find a ditch you could crawl yourself into. âIâve basically just said that. Do you need a detailed description of how I masturbate?â
âWell, you gave me quite a pretty description of how your first orgasm felt. It doesn't hurt to ask.â You groan but feel slight relief when Donghyuck stays quiet after that. You turn your attention back to the screen in hopes of getting a grip of what's happening in the plot.
âHave you thoughâŚâ Hyuck probs cautiously. Apparently the conversation hasnât ended for him and it still had quite a potential to use up. âIâm sorry for this question and you donât have to answer this one if you donât want to.â
âJust this one?â
âHave you ever considered opting to have sex with anyone?â
âThatâs a peculiar way of wording it, Donghyuckâ You furrow your brows, tightening your hold on the bowl. âWhy do you even ask? I thought you understand - at least partially - that Iâm not physically able to do that, that's once. Second, It would have to be someone who I trust or at least like enough to want to⌠spend the required time with them. And with my social skills you know that might be a problem too.â
âThat's doable though.â
You look at him unamused. âNot sure if I wanna hear the rest of this idea.â
"I'm just saying I think you're capable of making close relationships with people and being okay with people touching you,â he explains kindly.
"HyuckâŚ" you sigh. âWhat's your point?" Why the hell was he so persistent on proving you wrong?
"I just think you're a precious human being who deserves to feel loved.â
âYou do know that people have different love languages, right? Like quality time or acts of service.
âYeah. I am reminded of those every time I'm with you.
You frown at that "Quit fake flirting, Hyuck.â
âBut I wanna know.â He wines, drawing slightly closer to you but still staying on his side of the couch. âI wanna understand. I get you donât like physicall contact but itâs generally not only sexualy though so that doesnât make you asexual, does it? Like we established that you masturbate so you feel sexual desire. Do you feel attraction towards other people? And like... what is going on inside your head?â
You exhale slightly irked with his proning. âIf i admit Iâm intrested in sex but not able to do it will you let it go finally?"
âNot really,â he says mildly. âI wanna understand you so I can be a better friendâ
âBut I feel like a research objectâ you curl up under the blanket hugging your knees.
You feel examined and even though it bothers you to some point, youâre curious just like Hyuck and the longer you think about it heâs the person you feel most at ease with. You do wonder about sex as itâs a closed book to you that youâre not able to read on your own. And you know your best friend has at least the basic experience. Whatâs more he never bragged about his sexlife, he was just casual about it - considering sex as a human thing. Maybe it wouldnât hurt to carry on this conversation?
You take a deep breath. âI do feel sexual desire and I do feel physical repulsion. Itâs hard to get past it. Also usually I am not fond of people.â
âThat I noticed when you bark at randoms who barely did you any harm.â
âNot funny. Anyway when it comes to feeling atracted to people I know when I see someone pretty but it does not mean i think about having sex with them. I guess my sexual needs are mostly impersonal.â
âThatâs pretty much reasonable. So like you get horny when you see sex scene but you donât get aroused at the sexual though of particular person?
âYou could say so.â
âI could say so?â His eyebrows high above his eyes. He knows youâre not telling him everything but wonât question it. âIâm asking again just to be sure: If you were able to, youâd like to know how the real sex feels like, right?â
Your face is absolutely red when you weakly answer âYes⌠But Iâm not expecting it happening anytime soon and i doubt anyone would like to have sex with me in my thirties when my body will start to wrinkle so iâm kind of accepting living till death as a curious virgin.â
âI might have a solution to that.â
You look at him thrown-off.
âAs I already said youâre able to do it. Just think about it. You don't have a problem with my touching - well, at least most of the time - and weâre best friends." his voice showing slight hesitation in the last words.
Your mouth feels dry and your head feels hot and whatever sound comes out of your mouth is undefinable. âAre you proposing me a sexual service or just stating facts trying to prove that the problem exists only in my head?â
He scoffs at your words. âIâm gonna interpret your rudeness as liking in peculiar foreplay.â
You both give each other attentive looks.
âDonât make it weird.â
âIâm making it weird?â You ask in disbelief.
âI just wanna say that if you would wanna know what it feels like and if you trust me enough to touch you in that way, all you have to do is ask.â he says and his voice is sincere, not mocking, not even playful. It leaves you dumbfounded and he turns to the tv changing the subject.
***
It takes you a week to make up your mind. You do a list of pros and cons then shred it thinking itâs useless. This repeats three times. Meanwhile you attend your classes as usual, meeting with your friends between periods. This included Donghyuck, who acts as if nothing happened, which makes you feel like youâve dreamed about this whole abstract-like midnight discussion. He greets you as always, talks to you as casually as ever and keeps his physical affection with you at the same level which meant always asking for permission for a hug and being cautious to not touch your bare skin when it wasnât necessary.
That's why you throw out the first list, thinking his offer never had a place.
Two days after that night, you are having lunch with people from your group project who give fallacious ideas and reject yours without even seriously considering them. Fed up, you end up just sitting at the side doing notes while chewing on your food.
âWhatâs upâ you hear Hyuckâs voice right before heâs not so gracefully placed on the chair in front of you.
âHi. Iâm busyâ you growl and put another spoon of noodles in your mouth.
âY/n. Didnât I tell you that barking at people doesnât make you seem like an approachable person?â He nags playfully, making you choke on your food.
Oh. So he remembers.
You take a moment to breathe and use it to get a grip of yourself.
âIt was in the context of strangers, though. I didnât know I needed to pretend Iâm nice around my friends too.â
âDonât limit yourself, y/n. Think out of the box.â
âYeah, Iâm trying to but youâre covering my notes, you wing sacher. Donât you have classes right now?â you know he does. âI do." He glances at the watch on his wrist. âBut I was passing by and saw you sitting here alone sulking and decided to say hi and ask for a daily fix of affection from you. High five?â
You put your hand flat on his not making it clap and hold it for a second. He smiles, when you donât cringe as you usually do.
âHave a nice day, y/n.â
âYou too, Hyuck.â
When he leaves the hall you pull out a sheet of paper and write the second version of your pros and cons list.
Another three days pass and you are being more and more convinced that you wanna take up on Hyuckâs offer. Also, your ovulation being right around the corner made you unbelievably horny.
You are in the middle of your art classes, standing in front of your easel, naked model facing the wall. Sketching the nude on your paper sheet you think His back is nice. The proportions are so symmetrical and the bright light makes it cast dark shadows emphasizing the muscles. It looks fine. Wonder if Hyuck has nice shoulder blades.
Your mind is silent for a moment.
Oh crap. Did I really think that?
Later that day you meet with your friends at Johnny and Hyuckâs place.
As usually on a wednesday evening you gather at your themed meeting. Every week one of you comes up with a word which becomes a subject for the next gathering. It could be whatever comes to your mind. Poppy. Vienna. Or Misanthropy. It was a key word which meant that for next wednesday everyone had to prepare cultural references but if it felt too indirect or you doubled with someone you were out, the rest of the group made you do some kind of dare. The winner of the game - which was a person who lasted till the end - was the one who picked the theme for the next week.
And even though usually you had lots of fun, today you were distracted ever since Hyuck greeted you in a hallway with a permitted hug. You place your arms around him, feeling his taut back muscles. Oh shit. You clench your fists feeling awkward with laying them flat on his body.
âYou okay?â He steps away feeling you tense.
âPerfectly fineâ
But youâre not even close to fine. The seed Donghyuck left in your head almost a week ago is growing and itâs making you go insane. After the fourth time he catches you staring at him you start to avoid his eyes at all cost which seems even more unnatural. Everyone, except you, is surprised when you lose the game in the third row.
âLooks like we get to know your weak spot, y/n.â You hear Jaemin say and get all hot at the thought he might have noticed you gazing in Hyuckâs direction. âYou suck at geography. Especially itâs not hard to find info about Monaco, you knowâ
âOh, no.â You exhale relieved. âYou misunderstood my intention. I win so often I decided to back away this time so youâd have a chance to not be the last at least once.â
âSure.â Jaemin gives you a grumpy look. âI dare you to not make a sound, starting from now on.â That's how youâre doomed to spend the rest of the evening in the corner, silently following the game, yet your eyes way too often dart to Donghyuckâs frame, espying his movements. The way his neck moves when he speaks, the natural movement of his chest sinking slightly when he sits, his fingers playing with the hem of the sleeve. The curious look with wide eyes and raised eyebrow that he sends your way.
You blush and your heart drops, heavy with realization that youâre indeed attracted to your best friend.
***
Next day, you head back home after your classes finish, taking your usual way passing by Hyuckâs place. >Hi. u home? (3:43 p.m.)
Lee Donghyuck >> Yup. y? (3:45 p.m.)
>Can i pop in? (3:45 p.m.)
> it wonât take long. Just a sec (3:45 p.m.)
Lee Donghyuck >> doorâs open ;) (3:46 p.m.)
You knock on the front door to announce your arrival. When you open it youâre met with Renjun sitting on the couch.
âOh. Hi.â you say baffled.
âHello, y/n. How are you?â
âFine. What are you doing here?â
âMath project,â he sighs, motioning to the notes scattered on the table. âAt least Iâm trying to.â
âOh, that one for the contest?â You remember Donghyuck mentionig it last week. Their professor chose Donghyuck and Renjun to take part in a contest in which the winning team was provided an internship.
âYeah but itâs so complicated,â he whines. âLike I donât even know if the meta-system is still math.â
âThere are people who say the universe is math and math is the universe,â you point out.
There's a loud noise when Donghyuck appears in the kitchen door frame. âWelcome, my dear.â He smiles at your furrowed brows and Renjunâs gagging sound.
âYou could have told me you're busy. I can come another time.â âBut you said itâll be quick and it sounded urgent. I didnât think youâd mind Renjun.â
You look up at him troubled. âWell, I donât though I wanted to talk about... stuff.â
He knits his eyebrows clearly confused but before you can retreat he directs you to his bedroom. âFood is on the counter, Renjun. Give us a momentâ he says before closing the door.
âWhatâs up?â He rests his butt on the little space he found on his desk and since the chair is occupied with clothes, he offers you a seat on his bed
You clear your throat ignoring his pointing arm. âIt's about Friday.â
âLike tomorrow?â
âNo. Like a week ago.â
âOh.â He smirks. âThis explains why you need another room.â
âDonghyuk.â
âIâm sorry. Iâll be good from now on,â he promises, hiding his smile.
âThank you.â you take a breath. âSo I was thinking about yourâŚproposition. â
âIâm listening.â Donghyuk looks back at you expectantly, as you stay quiet gathering your courage. He straightens up. âRemember that I'm the one who made the suggestion and I won't judge you whether you accept it or turn it down.â
âI wanted to ask youâŚâ you start cautiously. âYou offered to have sex with me. And I understand this is a friendly favour, but if we decide to actually do it, I would like to know if you... would actually enjoy it.â
Heâs avoiding your eyes with a blush on his face. Mother and daughter, this is awkward. He stays quiet and you bite your lip, getting more and more anxious.
âI would.â âYou sure? You can be honest on this one. I donât want you to pull the wool over my eyes.â
âI know what Iâm sayingâ he states.
âYou can also call it off if you changed your mind.â
He lets out an exaggerated gasp. âExcuse me, I feel committed to fulfill my proposal.â
âThatâs what I mean. I donât want you to feel obligated. To anythingâ you explain.
âI wonât feel obligated as long as you wonât be awkward and uncomfortable about it.â
âIâm not uncomfortable.â You force yourself to shrug, hoping it looks nonchalantly.
âThen I donât feel obligated.â
âGreat.â You clear your throat. âAre you free on saturday then?â
His brows raise high to his hairline. âThatâs in two days.â
âIs it too soon?â You hesitate. âIâm sorry, you might have plans already...â
âIâm free on saturday.â He gives you a wary look. âAre you sure though? You donât have to take up on an offer now. It doesn't have an expiration date.â
âI thought this through.â You nod assuredly. âNow that we established that weâre doing the deed we need to set the details.â
At that Donghyuck smiles incredulous. âOf course you have it planned.â
You ignore him, used to his teasing.
âAre you okay with doing it at my place? My roommate usually leaves for the weekend.â You nibble on your lip trying to not look around the room and ignore empty red-bull cans covering his desk, clothes draped over furniture, books and notebooks piled up on the shelves, windowsill and floor. Donghyuck's room is a five-star mess. âAnd I donât want to intrude.â
He licks his lip, thinking. âI'd rather do it here if you don't mind. I have a bigger bed.â
âWe need that much space?â Your face is hot and you know your cheeks are probably crimson red.
âWell, you never really know,â he shrugs. "It will be more comfortable, for sure." âAnd I can ask Johnny to have a place for ourselves.â
âI donât want to make a big deal out of it though.â
âDonât worry about it. He asked me that many times and I wonât give him any details. Is this set then?â
âOkay.â you say quietly and then repeat more clearly. âOkay. I need to work on my sculpture on Saturday too, so is it okay if I come around five?â
âIâll make dinner then.â âOh. So you wanna hang out before we get to the point?â
âWeâre definitely hanging out first.â He says slightly taken aback. âFirst of all you'll need to eat after a day in the atelier. And I know youâre probably planning it in your head already but I want you to let me take care of it okay?â
âBut I need to know,â you whine. You hate surprises. You have everything planned anything unexpected isnât welcome in your schedule
âIsnât it enough that you know I prepare something? Believe me that planning out the hook up point by point kills the mood.â
You grump but donât question it. âFINE. Just remember I don't like mushrooms and seafood.â
âWow,â he exclaims. âYou really expect me to flex.â
âDuh. And one last thing. Could you ⌠ugh. Take care of⌠protection? Iâd do that but I have no idea which condomsâŚâ âIâve got this.â His voice is mild and slightly hurt, matching the solemn look on his face. âYou donât need to handle every detail. I promise Iâll do my best.â
âThat's not it.â You quickly shake your head at the misunderstanding. âI trust you. I just donât wanna mess up my part.â
He sighs deeply. âYou won't, okay? Thereâre no expectations of you so thereâs no way you could not leave up to something that doesnât exist.â
You smile softly at this caring side of Hyuck, not aware of the mood killer he's about to throw on you.
âY/nâ
âHmm?â
âIs there anything specific you wanna try out?â
You gasp outraged. So that would be it when it comes to serious Donghyuck.
âYou're literally the one who told me not to plan everything.â
âSo you did think about it.â He grins smugly âDoes my naked body look good in your imagination?â
"I'm leaving,â you huff, opening the bedroom door.
âTook you long enough,â Renjun says to the two of you. âFood is on the counterâ he mocks Donghyuck. âGive us a moment.â
You look apologetically at him, heading to the front door. "You know how long it takes to deal with a baby."
"You might wanna call me that on saturday.â
"What's on saturday?â you hear Renjunâs voice, muffled by the food he's chewing.
Hyuck winks at you. "Kinder party for best babes only.â
You snort and roll your eyes, while putting on your shoes.
When the door closes behind you, Donghyuck turns to his friend.
âDude.â
âWhat?â
âCan you dance?â
Renjun raises his brows not looking up from the notes. âFor my and your sake - I donât.â
***
You have been in the atelier since the morning, working on your midterm sculpture. Although trying hard, the work youâve been doing so far was rubbish.
Youâre a mess, mindlessly dragging fingers through moldable dirt. Chest heavy with guilt, mind obscured with doubt, mouth full of curse words directed at your phone. The damn phone call. Stupid, frickin stupid.
And the text Dongyuck sends you makes you let out a helpless sob.
Lee Donghyuck >> Can u wear a dress tonight? pretty pleaseđđ (3:58 p.m.)
A shaky breath leaves you and you just stare, a sense of obligation landing hard on you when all you long for at the moment is comfort.
Lee Donghyuck >> I know itâs out of blue. It doesnât have to be formal. The most comfortable dress you have will do great as long as itâs a dress (4:05 p.m.)
Lee Donghyuck >> And if you have dirty thoughts about it stop it immediately! Itâs for pre-dirty time actually ;) (4:06 p.m.)
You numbly dial his number and he answers right after the first signal.
âYo. Iâm sorry I kind of surprised you with the dress, especially at this hour. But like i said it doesnât have to be fancy. Actually I'd rather not have it fancy at all. â You hear him shuffling something in the background.âIâm gonna spoil that I'm wearing a jumper so imagine how the simple dress would fit perfectly. Oh no, donât break down nowâ He whines. âAnyway, why are you calling? I thought youâd be getting ready at this hour.â
You clear your throat. âIâm still in the atelierâ
âOh.â He gives you a surprised sound. âSo you're not coming back to your place before you come here?
âI was planning to. Something just came up and I'm a bit delayed.â you say leaning your forehead against the cool wall. â Iâll try to be on time thoughâ
âItâs fine, just text me on your way so I'll heat up the food. Are you okay though? You sound upset.â
Maybe the call wasn't the best idea.
âIâm just a little tired. No big deal.â you assure, trying to steady your voice.
Thereâs a long silence on the line and you know Donghyuk is sensing your mood. You anxiously scrub out the dry clay from underneath your nails. âWe can cancel today if you donât feel like doing itâ He states. And you close your eyes because at the moment you donât feel like doing it at all. Yet you think about the fuss you made about the whole thing. Hyuck's planning and preparations - something he never really does. Even the fact he basically threw Johnny out of his own flat. Backing off now would be a dick move.
âNo. I want to do it.â
âShut it, y/n. I donât need to look at you to know youâre not okay. Whatever pressure you feel to have sex right now is absurd. Letâs call it off.â
âBut youâve prepared. Iâm not standing you up.â Donghyuck can be an ass. At the same time heâs also the most devoted and caring friend you ever had and you wonât disregard his effort just because he puts your needs over his own.
âI didnât say weâre not hanging out. Weâre just skipping the sex part. Iâve spent three hours browsing the net for the perfect recipe, you picky eater. Iâm not throwing it away. Thatâs unethical.â
âIndeed, utterly unacceptable.â
âIâm glad weâre one the same page now. Just come over.â
âIs the dress still required though?â
It takes him a while to answer. âItâs not. Just wear what youâre most comfortable with. Except your sculpting pants. I donât wanna clean the carpet out of clay or plaster againâ
âYou know itâs weird how you claimed the dress is not part of the dirty stuff yet it gets canceled collectively.â
âShady, isnât it? Remember to text beforehand.â
âI will. And Hyuck?â
âYeah?â
âIâm sorry I messed upâ
âWhat do you mean? As far as Iâm concerned weâre still having a pleasant evening today.â
âRight.â You smile. âSee you soon.â
***
âThis is literally the healthiest food youâve ever cooked.â You point out before stuffing the pasta in your mouth.
âDuh. The amount of tags I excluded is unbelievable. No mushrooms. No seafood. No fish. No olives. No eggplant. No meat. No beans and stuff. No heavy food.â
âYouâve made pasta, thoughâ
âItâs not just pasta! Those are zoodles. To be more specific itâs called grilled ratatouille linguini and it took hella lot of time to prepare.â
And turns out it was kind of wasted. You clear your throat awkwardly. âIs this all you've been doing all day?â
âI mean I tried to work on a project. Renjun left me some work to do. But weâre stuckâ he slurps a zoodle between his mouth. âSo bad Renjun doesnât even believe we could actually win, but we put too much work into it already. And this idea we have has so much potential, even the professor said so, itâs like disgrace to waste it. âCanât you ask the professor for help?â you suggest. âLike not for a solution but maybe for a tip?â
He shakes his head and swallows the food. âWe didnât really want to do that but we were desperate so we did and he sent us back to the library for references. Renujn was upset because he thought he didnât want to help but in my opinion he didnât know the direct answer either. Like heâs usually pretty chill so I guess heâd tell us straight up if he could help.â He shrugs.
âYou two need help in the library? I could help if you need extra eyes.â
âSure.â He sends you a very doubtful look. âI appreciate it but I can barely understand what Iâm reading while having at least basic knowledge in the meta-system.â He sets aside his plate on the coffee table and leans back on the couch. âBesides, you have your own work. How is your sculpture by the way?â
âItâs okay,â you murmur. âNot really the way i want it but Iâm working on itâ you scrub mindlessly in your bowl. âItâs just a reproduction exercise so it has to be perfect and the longer you work on it the more shortcomings you see and the less imbued it appears. Usually working on a real life model allows you more creativity.â
He hums looking at you attentively. âHow come youâve never asked me to pose for you?â
âGuess it just never came upâ you shrug. âNow it does.â
âYou want me to draw you right now?â
He nods âWhy not?â
âI donât have my sketchbook.â
He raises his eyebrows at your weak excuse.
âYou left one here two weeks ago and itâs collecting dust on my desk.â
âOh. Glad Iâve finally found it.â you say cheerlessly, picking your plate.
âYou found it?â
âYeah,â you sigh, not having strength to keep up with the joking tone. âIâm not in the artsy mood, though.â
âWhy is that?â
âWhat do you mean?â
âI wonât push you if you donât want to talk about it but just know that i can be serious for a moment if you need me toâ
âOh.â you act like you just remembered a very obvious thing. âYou wanna explain the dress right?â
âThat's not what I said. And why are you so hung up on it?â
âIâm curious. You planned something - for you itâs equivalent to⌠I don't know what but for sure something big.â He shakes his head. âAnd I know I'm the one who ruined it.â
âYou didn't ruin anything.â
âItâs rude to interrupt,â you nag him. âAnyway it wonât be a surprise, so can you just tell me? Pretty please?â
âNot really. I could still use it later on.â he resists.
Youâre confused for a moment âOn what?â
He gets flustered at your surprised reaction.
âOh.â he says slowly. âI mean I thoughtâŚ. maybe i shouldn't assume that⌠but i thought that weâre only rescheduling today.â
âSo you still want to have sex with me?â âWhy wouldn't I?â He asks just as surprised as you. âI mean only if youâre still up to it.â he adds tentatively and then clears his throat, leaving the subjects hanging in the air. âAnyway we could make a deal. I can explain the dress in exchange for your mood killer.â
âYou said you wonât pushâ you complain.
âIâm not. Iâm offering a deal. Feel free to dismiss it.â he ensures, grabbing from you an empty plate and gets up from the couch.
âWhat a teaseâ you huff under your nose and follow him to the kitchen.
âOh girl, if only you knewâ
"Eww."
âYou're ewwing me now? At one mild sexual innuendo?â his eyes widen in disbelief.
You ignore him, hopping onto the counter next to the sink.
âOkay, deal. What was the dress for?â
He laughs and for a moment you fall for itâs sincerence. He puts the washed plate on a washer-dryer and starts to scrub the greasy pan. âIâm not gonna let you trick me again. You go first and then I'll tell you the purpose of the dress.â âBut you probably expect me to tell you something interesting and thrilly but itâs not,â you sulk.
âDress isn't exciting either,â he heads up making you roll your eyes at his stubbornness.
You grab a washcloth, trying to busy yourself with something
"My dad called me today."
âAnd you were upset? Isn't that a good thing though? â He inquires, still semi focused on the dishes.
âThe whole phone call was absurd. Like it already started badly. My phone screwed up and didn't show my fathers name when he called. I didn't know who's that so when I asked who's calling he got all offended claiming I don't respect him.â
"You didn't recognize his voice?"
You shrug in an attempt to hide how much it actually bothers you. "He was drunk."
You glimpse at Donghyuck to catch his reaction. His face doesn't show anything and he isnât speaking up either.
âEither youâre asking me something or weâre moving on because I'm not gonna dwell on the subject if you donât have any interest in it.â
âIâm just trying to be considerate.â
âThatâs new.â Itâs not, but he lets it pass, used to your harshness in your defending mode. Sure, Hyuck teases the fair amount out of you and your friends but he knows when the conversation is serious and always acts respectful, knowing someone might get hurt.
âWas he right though? I mean you rarely talk about your father and I can't tell how you feel about him.â
âI donât know myself. I know I should respect him, but I've witnessed too many situations ripping humans off of respect and ninety percent of those moments he was drunk. Then he straight up asks me this question in this exact state and says I know you donât respect me. I donât know why, and it sounds like itâs entirely my fault.â
âBut why did he call in the first place?â
âTo discuss the transport of my painting. You know, that big one.â You pause, reminded of the self doubt you felt a few hours ago. âHe asked if itâs necessary. If I really need this since I won't do anything with it ever again and itâs not worth the fuss.â
âJust to make sure - weâre talking about the one for the exhibition?â You nod. âMaybe he didnât mean that? As you said he was drunkâ
You remember all those moments when you tried so hard to prove your father wrong every time you did something for him hoping for appreciation or waited for him to approve your accomplishment. To make him regret all the harsh words that shrinked your self confidence toward insecurity. All your plans are a failure. Nothing you do is decent. You ought to do something useful for once. You are bad mannered. Don't be so loud. And then you contrast it with him stumbling from the stairs, breaking dishes with uncoordinated moves, struggling to find restrooms, puffy red face, body stinking of digested alcohol, the stench filling up the room. Sometimes everyday. Sometimes a few times a week. Rarely once a few months. Making you wary of the look of your dad holding a beer, hoping itâs just this one, being anxious about asking friends to come over and panicking when family members were close by, even though your mom and sister were around no one felt like thereâs a need to handle the situation and stop your dad from embarrassment and judgment.
âHe does that when he's sober too.â You shrug. âI donât even know why it upset me so much. I should get over it at this point.â The dishes are forgotten, piled up on the washer dryer. You just sit on the counter with a slouched back and blank stare. â I donât know, maybe I hope like a fool heâd be proud of me at some point.â
You stay quiet on how alone and doubtful you feel after talks with your dad, not letting Donghyuck know any of that.
âJust because your father doesnât tell you heâs proud of you doesn't mean heâs not. Maybe heâs just bad at expressing it.â he suggests, wiping his hands.
âNah, he can be very expressive when he needs to.â I hope the next child won't be born with a personality like yours. âI just miss him from the time when I was a little kid. When he was fun to be around. God, I feel like shit for slagging about my father like that.â
âYou know that not everything he says is true right? Just now youâve felt sorry for bad-mouthing your dad, but honestly there are a lot of people complaining about their parents but not really feeling bad about it. It's not easy to show respect to people who drag you down when they are supposed to support you.â heâs leaning on the counter opposite of you and for once you wish he was closer.
You wonder if it would be okay to ask for a hug. For the firm embrace, giving a sense of stability, so different from the playful hugs he tends to throw around. The one youâd come for with a tail between your legs seeking his affection.
You say nothing, not wanting him to pity you.
"I don't wanna be supported by default though. I want to earn it. It's like you wonât bet on a horse who's got no chance to win. Even if it's your own. You actually might not buy it in the first place⌠â You pause. âAm I a bad horse?"
"No. Some people are just bad gamblers." His voice is tender and it strikes you how sympathizing it sounds.
âThe dressâ you change the subject.
Your friend looks sorry for a mment, before shaking it off. He turns around exiting the kitchen and you follow him to the living room. âHey, you promiseâŚâ
He interrupts you, noisily moving the enormous couch to the side of the room.
âWhat are you doing?â you ask, a little taken aback.
âWellâ Donghyuck sighs from effort and pushes back the hair that fell into his eyes. âI thought... â he grabs his phone from the coffee table and connects it with the speakers. â... that if the surprise wonât be surprising anymore as the reason for someoneâs stubbornness and curiosity I might as well show you? If you donât like it we could watch a movie later since i didnât really plan anything elseâ
âOkay.â Your barely audible voice gets drowned out with the soft music. Realization hits you the moment you hear fancy tunes of trumpets and oboe.
âYou did notâ you gasp in disbelief.
âMay I ask for this dance?â he approaches you and bows slightly, offering a hand.
âBut likeâŚ. How do you know how to dance a viennese waltz?â He gives you a stern look so you obediently accept his hand.
âThe orchestra wonât play for us forever. You shall make up your mind a little faster.â He moves an arm on your shoulder blade and the left hand to support your right, moving his feet to the fast rhythm.
âHow did you know?â
âI might have eavesdropped once you told Renjun how youâd like to dance to Shostakovitch one day. Found it peculiar because: one, didnât think you were such a helpless romanticâ you open your mouth to argue âU-um. Itâs rude to interrupt. And secondly to obvious closeness. But I thought that if you were okay with even more intimacy required to have sex with me then youâd most likely be okay with dancing. At least I hoped so.â he ends sheepishly.
You look at the now shy boy whoâs scanning the room to make sure not to bump into any furniture, leading you on the floor, holding you steady in his arms but making you feel like youâre floating.
âI am very okay with dancing with youâ you smile and squeeze his hand to affirm your words. âDo you have a tuxedo hidden in the closet too?â
âWhat a spoiled woman!â he exclaims jokingly, addressing your teasing and then swirls you around. When you look up in his face again heâs already ogling at you with a smile. âI didnât want to make it too sophisticated. Like I said, jumper and plain dress.â
âYeah, but jumper and jumper would work just fine.â
At some point you donât even focus on your steps getting so used to the moves of the dance you feel like flowing with music. Being led by Donghyuck was a little uncoordinated at first, now it feels like your bodies are molding into each, both your arms being extensions of the other. The longer you two dance the more at ease you two become and you find him looking at you more often than around the room. Dance so easy and enjoyable you keep going dance after dance till the playlist full of Strauss and Chopin waltzes interlaced with some modern composers gets more mellow tones and your silhouettes let go of the pent up and proper posture. You allow yourself to get lost in solemn music, his smooth movements, comforting embrace.
He brought your intertwined fingers close to your bodies as his extended arm started to feel numb long ago and you lay your head on his shoulder to relieve your strained neck. Whatever you dance right now, looks nothing like the fancy waltz you started with, yet is just as - if not more - pleasant.
âDid I tire you out?â he teases mildly.
âNoâ you yawn, negating your own words.
He gently tries to back off.
âJust one more composition, please. It's so nice.â you plead mumbling into the soft fabric of his shirt. You're so relaxed and comforted, feeling all fuzzy with his strong arms embracing you, not really wary of his answer. So grateful for him just being, you'd be happy even if he told you he had enough of dancing. âThe last one I promise.â
He stays as you ask, tightening his grip back on you. âYou're the best Hyuck.â So thoughtful and caring. You wonder when and where did he learn to dance and if it was especially for you.
He really strived his best to make the evening special but not ripping you off comfort and homely ambience. You take a deep breath, filling comfy anchored to Hyuckâs side. His solid arm muscles under your fingers, familiar scent filling your nostrils.
You look up at him to check on his mood. Is he tired? Bored? You search his face for any wrong signs but you find nothing, just pensive eyes. You let your head back down on his shoulder and give yourself a moment to gather up the courage. âHyuckâ
He hums to let you know youâve got his attention and keeps swaying to the soft music.
âSo...â you start tentatively with a quiet voice â... does your offer still stand?â
You feel him tense for a moment but itâs so quick you wouldnât catch it if your bodies werenât molded.
âYeah,â he nods subtly. âBut itâs a long term proposal. Just because I offered it now doesnât mean you need to accept it this week, month or year.â Heâs quiet for a moment and then ads with a faint voice. âAnd Iâm sorry if by suggesting it I made you feel like your pushed to ever have sex with anyone. I just thoughtâŚ. I donât know⌠That maybe...â
He stops feeling you shake your head and then you squeeze his fingers reassuringly.
âI do want to have sex. With you.â You can tell your face is tomato red by how hot you feel, your heartbeat mirroring his racing one.
âOh.â By the tone of his voice you know heâs smiling. âSo you say I seduced you.â
âDuh. No one with a sane mind would want you. Only tricks work for you.â
He just grins, thinking the conversation is over but for you itâs not. You look into his brown eyes to ensure yourself in what youâre about to say.
âI want to have sex with you.â
âI know, I heard that.â
âI want it tonight.â
He stopped dancing and now you just stand in the middle of the room. He looks at you, quiet for more than a while.
âI donât know what to do with this information.â
âWell, I think thatâs pretty obvious,â you say, slightly wounded by his response. âWhat exactly is unclear to you?â
âI feel like I coaxed you.â
âIâm not that easy to manipulate, you knowâ you puff. âStop it, Hyuck. We already established that I am sure and that I made this decision on my own and that I thought this through. We were about to have sex anyway tonight. So what happened?â You try to step away but he holds you tightly by his side. âJust a moment ago you said the offer is still on the table and now you donât know what to do? Why are you so misleading, confusing, twisted, chaoticâŚ
âKiss me thenâ he says, but the bold tone is far from the soft looks he was giving you seconds ago. His eyes are examining, daring.
You know heâs testing you. Verifying if you truly want this, if youâre comfortable with intimacy.
âDonât move.â
You lean up to peck his cheek and when you back off you manage to catch a small smile on his face before he swiftly hides it.
âI told you to kiss me.â
âI just did.â
âDo it properly.â He raises an eyebrow at you. âOn the lips.â
You lick your lips nervously and his eyes dart down to catch the movement. You draw yourself closer moving your chin up, your arms on your sides - fingers entwined but chests not touching. You're so close you can feel his breath on your cheek and when heâs involuntary leaning toward you, you back away terrified of what ifs. What if he wonât like it? What if you have a smelling breath? Or your lips don't feel like theyâre supposed to? What if youâll mess it up by not doing it right? What if you wonât like it?
âWhy wonât you kiss me?â you ask âIâm sure youâd do it betterâ
âI wonât kiss you firstâ he states and you stare at each other for another moment before you give in and lean up once more, this time more certain but hang right before his lips again. He squeezes your hands - it's gonna be fine. So you place a peck on his lips, not expecting them to be so mellow and warm enough to radiate heat all over your body.
He smiles widely and you involountery do the same, embarrassed by your first kiss.
âHope youâre happy now.â You try to hide your face with your hand but he doesnât let go of it so you bring them both up intertwined and use your forearm to cover your hot cheeks. âGonna show me how to kiss properly now?â
Palms up in the air right before Hyuckâs face when he places a quick peck on your knuckles and forces it down, pressing to your sides.
âKeep practising.â He shrugs, not moving a bit.
âHyuckâ you whine.
âYes?â
âCanât you do it now?â
âWhy won't you?â
âBecause iâm shyâ
âSince when?â He draws you to him by your hands, pressing your chests together. âKeep practising,â he repeats.
You sigh and give him another peck.
âClose your eyes,â he orders as if he is not inspecting you with his own.
âUgh⌠Iâm scared I will miss your lips.â
âSo cute, '' he mutters. âYou know..â he kisses the tip of your nose â... there are otherâŚâ you feel his lips on your cheek â... places to kissâŚâ his mouth on your eyelids forcing them close and you donât pray them open when he stops milimetres from your lips. âKeep practising.â
So you do. One peck, then another and another. They are simple and short, as you're not sure how exactly to move your lips but Donghyuck lets you, patiently waiting for you to get familiar with the act, slowly ease into intimacy.
As you yearn for more, all the small kisses mold into one and he finally breaks. His palms let go of yours to grasp your face and he kisses you fiercely. First rushed movements show his impatience but moment later he balances his actions, lips confident but gentle, licking on your slightly parted ones, his thumbs stroking your cheeks tenderly. The act is so intense you move away to take a breath.
âDamn you, Hyuck. Took your sweet time didnât you?â you pant.
He just grins in response and dives back in to kiss you.
You try to pay more attention to what he is doing, and not how lightheaded it makes you feel. Confident enough you lick the side of his upper lip, making him come back right after, hastily catching your mouth.
Your lips are swollen, cheeks rosy, pulse crazy and damn, why is this so hot in here?
Donghyuck nibbs on your lower lip and you instinctively part them, his tongue slipping inside takes you aback. You pull away startled and pray your eyes open to look at your friend with ragged breath. He looks troubled yet your knees go weak at the sight of his flushed cheeks and ruffled hair.
âIâm sorry. If itâs too muchâŚâ
âNo, no. Itâs not, you just caught me off guard.â
He rubs your sides soothingly and looks at you with those big eyes, pupils wide from desire yet his gaze is tender.
âTell me if you want to stop.â
âI donât.â
âBut if you will...â
âI wonâtâ
âButâŚâ
You peck his mouth and then place your lips in the corner of his and then another on his jaw. âIs this okay?â
âYeah.â He affirms with a raspy voice.
You rush to trail your lips along his jaw, under his ear, his neck, oh so pretty neck. Youâre definitely gonna draw him later. A kiss. His Adam's apple bobbing when he swallows hard and you feel him pull your face up to kiss you fervently. You kiss him back and when you feel his tongue once more on your lower lip you open it up and lick at his tip.
Bodies fused together, hands more urgent, kisses more heated. When his fingers softly brush against the side of your right breast, your breath hitches.
âAre you gonna invite me to your room like a gentle man,â you pant tired of waiting for him to move things forward âor you intend to fuck me on a couch in a living room?â
âGeez, women these days.â He rolls his eyes playfully. âSo impatient and straightforward. No need to be vulgar, my lady.â
You pull at his hair to get back at his teasing, he hisses and then takes both your hands in his, guiding you to his room.
âWow,â you say as soon as you enter it. âYou cleaned upâ
âOf course I did.â He sits down on the bed tapping his lap for you. âThough itâs a shame Iâve cleaned up the candles already.â
You stop dead just right above him.
âYou're kidding, right?â But you sound sceptical. Itâs not really like him to be into romantic stuff but after the dance he prepared you can't be sure of anything.
He just smiles, pulling you down to straddle his lap. You hasiate for a moment before letting yourself sit down.
"Yeah. Didn't want to overwhelm you with my thoughtfulness and generosity."
You mirror his smile and meet him halfway in a playful kiss. His palms slowly slide up your thighs, squeezing lightly at your hips eliciting a surprised gasp from you.
"Want this off" he breathes to the side of your neck, when warm fingertips graze your ribs and dip of the spine.
"It wonât disappear on it's own."
At your permission, he tugs at your shirt, undressing you. Mesmerized, heâs sliding fingers on your soft skin not covered by comfy bralette. Donghyuck looks you in the eyes and you shy away, hiding yourself in his neck. He pampers your neck with kisses, licking it occasionally, making you want more. You breathe hard and impatiently move your hips against Donghyuckâs. He mewls at the friction, grabbing your hips and guiding them closer to his again and again.
You feel so hot, your panties sticking to your folds every time they brush against Donghyuck crotch. He wanders his hands over your body, leaving burning paths on your skin and a tingling sensation in your chest.
âTouch me, Hyuck, please.â
He turns around laying you back on the bed. He looks into your eyes, placing a kiss above the hem of your pants and pulls them down together with panties.
âWhat do you want?â He asks, trailing his lips down your navel. You stop him before his mouth gets lower.
âYours⌠Can you use your fingers?â You whisper, your heart pumping against your chest, hoping it doesnât sound awkward.
He traces his palm against your body, feeling up your abdomen, hips and inner thighs. His lips move up, tracing dips and angles on your shoulders and neck.
âDonghyuck,â you say impatiently. âJustâŚâ Your breath hitches. Simple touch of his fingers on your centre so intimate, so pleasurable youâre not able to think about whatâs to come.
Your friend looks at you attentively, reading your face as he gently caresses your folds and circles your clit with his thumb. Youâre caught up in his eyes and tender touch, as he slowly pushes a finger into you and itâs such an unfamiliar sensation your jaw drops in surprise. Your walls are tight around his digit, scorching compared to his fingers which moments ago were leaving burning paths on your skin. Finger moving against your walls and you breathe heavily, getting used to the feeling. Donghyuck pampers you with kisses and keeps checking on you when he slowly puts another digit in. You knit your brows and hold your breath at the stretch, making Hyuck withheld to give you a long and reassuring kiss. He doesnât say anything - no comments nor praises- which youâre grateful for. You donât need sugarcoating, especially not now.
Your eyes are locked when youâre bucking your hips, stretching around his fingers and he curls them, speeding up. You grab his shoulders tight, steading yourself, looking down at his movement you see veins on his arm and taunt muscles, his fingers disappearing in you. Your eyes roll back when he hits a spot inside you that makes your toes curl.
âOh,â you let out astonished with the feeling.
âThere?â His voice raspy, fingers aiming at your spot again.
And you just nod rapidly feeling a familiar knot in your stomach. He can feel your walls tightening, knowing your high is close.
Hair on Donghyuck's nape rise up as you dip your nails into his back. He's shivering when your breath hits his hot skin. Nonetheless he keeps his fast peace, supporting himself on the right elbow with fingers entangled in your hair, his thumb caressing your temple.
When you release, you release hard. A hot wave going through you, your muscles tense up, bending your body in half to the point youâd sit up if not Hyuckâs body hovering over it, keeping you down. Your chest is pressed against his side, his fingers prolonging your orgasm. Your back falls down on the sheets, buzzling in your head making you twingle, feeling soft at little pecks your friend leaves on you.
âHow are you feeling?â He murmurs into your skin, tracing his nose against your collarbones, high up your neck. His voice sounds like itâs coming from behind the invisible wall - an effect of high blood pressure.
You just nod weekly not feeling a need to waste energy on actual words.
âDo you want to continue?"
You nod again and feel him smile against your cheek.
This motivates you to get yourself together. You push him off of you, shoving his back on the bed.
âCan I get on top?â you ask, slightly taken aback at how grainy your voice sounds.
Your legs are still wobbly and he helps you straddle him again with a little pout on his face. âDid I not make you feel good?â
âYou just straight up strive for praise donât you?â you tease weakly.
âI mean, that would be nice,â he says looking up at you, his hand hovering over your tights moving up to your hips.
âSorry for neglecting that. You just gave me a mind blowing orgasm and iâm not mentaly alert.â
The blush emerging on his cheeks is so adorable it reminds you he's your best friend. What youâre doing now is a favor from him in order to make you expirience how the sex feels like. This intimacy you have now probably wonât occur in the future and your heart stings a bit when you realize how happy and gratified you feel right now. The sex, that for so long seemed so abstract and unreachable for you is so easy, effortless and unconstrained with Donghyuck. Every touch, every move is so natural and welcomed you let yourself enjoy the moment and make the most of it. You lean down to kiss him deeply. âLet me return the favour. Tell me what you need me to do.â
âWhatever you want to.â He kisses your cheek. âIâm all yours.â
As much as his words make you flutter youâd rather not let them affect you too much not wanting to put more meaning into them than he intended.
âWhy are you still dressed then?â you pull up his shirt and gasp. That's a sight to see, when the outline of his abs move while heâs throwing the clothing on the floor.
He catches you staring and smirks smugly. âI know, right?â
You suppose you should look away but his naked body is so captivating.
âWhen did you get those?â you exhale, moving your hand to touch him mesmerized.
âJohnny has been dragging me to the gym for the last few weeks. Hey, stop drooling.â
His teasing calls you back to reality.
âArenât we talking too much?" you ask.
âNo. Youâre the one whoâs talking too much. Iâm just answering to be polite.â
You frown at his words.
âStop worrying. Iâm gonna tell you if I wonât like it.â
Tentative at first, you start to roam your palms on his skin, focused on his reactions. Shivers when you touch his nipples, breath hitched when you trace your fingers right above the hem of his jeans. His neck is your favourite, extra responsive as you pamper it with kisses, caressing his muscles and angles with your fingers. Perfectly visible, reacting to every movement. You sight mesmerized and kiss above his collarbones and he wraps his arms on your waist protectively.
Itâs only this one time when you're this close and the small possessive part of you canât bear the thought that youâre not the only one touching him this way. That heâs not anticipating affection the way you do, as itâs innate for him. You get greedy, fully aware you're gonna regret this later you whisper.
âHow does one give a hickey?â Donghyuck tightens his fingers on your sides âYou donât need to show me. I just thought that if weâre at that already I could ask? You can just tell me if you donât want me you knowâŚ. to do it.â you stumble.
âItâs okay. I donât mind,â he affirms. âDo you want me to demonstrate?â
You nod.
âLet me sit upâ
You get off his lap for a moment, just to let him lean on the head board and pull you on him again. Your naked centre right next to his, you can feel his hard member against your tight. He leans up and places soft kisses on your chest, stopping at the exposed mound of your breast sucking lightly and licking the spot. When heâs done he moves his lips up your throat to the ear and whispers âNow youâ nibbling on your earlobe.
So you get to work, tentatively at first leaving small hickeys on his chest and shoulders, careful not to mark him in any visible place. The heat makes you move your naked hips onto his, fabric of the jeans, making delicious friction on your clit. Hyuck emits a whine sending pleasurable chills down your spine. You lay your hand on his belt.
âMay I?â He nods eagerly. When you unbuckle it, the action itself makes you feel powerful and small at the same time. Embarrassed at the dark spot you left on his crotch, you quickly tug down Donghyuckâs pants together with boxers to avoid him noticing how wet you are, not looking at him at all.
âY/nâ? His voice a bit shaky, as heâs now fully naked beneath you.
âYeah?â You heavily let out.
âYou can look at me, you know?â
âI donât wanna be indelicateâ
He engulfs your face in his palms, caressing your cheeks âI know youâre tactful but you make me feel insecure not wanting to look at me, Iâd rather have you not being able to take your eyes off of meâ
âAs if. Youâre too full of yourself to feel insecureâ you pant, feeling his member slightly pressed to your center. Youâre dripping, your walls are clenching and you try hard to comprehend your thoughts but you can't think. âWhat⌠what are we doing now?â
âIt dependsâ he kisses you. âAs for me, I'd kill to feel you right now. Iâm so hard it hurts.â His voice low and hoarse, hand trailing down, thumb slipping between your folds and you buck your hips, gasping into his mouth âBut itâs up to you what actually weâre going to do now.â
âI want toâŚâ You drop one of your arms from his shoulders and hover it above his erection. âI want to feel you inside me.â He nods encouraging you. You awkwardly start tracing fingers down his shaft and Donghyuckâs body almost melts under you, he lets out a whimper as you move it back up to his tip, pleased with his response.
âOh shitâ he hisses. âPlease, justâŚâ
You nod eagerly âCondom.â
âFirst drawerâ He instructs and you reach his night stand. Watching intently how he rips the package with his teeth and then handles himself pumping a few times before putting it on and rolling down his shaft. Sight of him handling himself makes you gulp, red head slipping between his fingers, you can feel yourself dripping down on his thighs.
âYou sure you wanna ride me?"
Yes, you are. Thereâs no way youâll just lay on your back and wait for your friend to put his meat into you, willingly depriving yourself of control. And even though you feel like you're groping in the dark, itâs not as awkward as you were worried it might be. Hyuckâs affection and understanding make you know that he wonât judge you. He gives you freedom in this unfamiliar and straining moment and you hope he wonât mind the whim of the little control you want. You look at him nervous but determined.
âIf you let me.â
Your friend looks up at you, his gaze seems so preoccupied you wonder if he heard you. He places a kiss on your lips soft like a whisper.
âBe my guestâ. His right hand slides down to his shaft, steading it for you when you raise your hips to move onto him.
When you feel his tip between your folds, at the entrance to your vagina, the realization hits you like a cold shower. Youâre about to be penetrated and itâs definitely gonna be more than two fingers.
You look wide-eyed at Hyuck, and for once you're grateful he can read your every emotion. The hand from his member moves to your backside supporting you, while the other grabs your tightly intertwining your fingers as you use it as leverage. Your free arm wrapped around his neck keeping your chests close to each other as you slowly slide down.
You both maintain eye contact keeping check on each other. Sure, youâre the one having a dick inside of you for the first time but youâre in control which makes you obligated to make sure Hyuck is okay too. Even if you are not - and right now youâre definitely not feeling okay, stretching badly around him you keep moving down scared to draw back. When you placed yourself on him to the point you felt like youâd burst you hide your face in his neck breathing unsteady. You felt so extremely full and so overwhelmed. It doesnât help that Hyuck is soothing you, knowing youâre uncomfortable - all you could think about was the pain you felt in your lower half. So invasive and unnatural, you let out a broken sob before you could stop it.
Donghyuck goes rigid at the sound of raw pain. âWhatâs wrong?â He immediately wants to slap himself because he clearly knows the answer.
âIâve got your giant phallus inside me and youâre babying me,â you say defensively with a shaky voice.
âYou want me to stop?â he asks worried, halting movements of his fingers gently rubbing your skin. Missing it immediately, you shake your head no.
âYou can veto me if you want.â He places soft kisses on your neck up to your ear. âYou can veto everything if you want.â You merely shake your head again and he kisses behind your earlobe âYouâve got an oil paint in here. Blue.â
Distraction, not sugarcoating.
âIâm sorryâ Itâs too loud for the moment, making you even more tense. Donghyuck kisses you again on the stain and moves down your throat.
âFor the stain? Itâs enchanting. For being mean? Itâs titillating. Sitting on my penis? Itâs welcome. Being in pain? Itâs not something you control.â
He seems to not mind. He seems like he doesn't even notice how much of a giver he is when you only take and not give in return. Heâs so good with you you feel like thereâs no way you could give him back his kindness, patience and caringness.
So you're gonna give him what you can. If you got comfortable, even impatient and eager for his touch, familiar with his arms around you, fingers intertwined with yours, lips on your skin, then you can get comfortable with him being inside you. You are gonna make this as good for him as you can, screwing your idiosyncrasies.
When he covers your shoulders in kisses replacing the cold aggressive shivers you felt with warm and pleasurable ones, you push through the unwelcome sensation of being full. Stretching subsided significantly, you place a peck on Hyuckâs pulse as a little heads-up. Then you slightly move your hips up.
The moan he elicits startles you but nonetheless encourages to keep going. Even tough you barely move, moderatedly draging yourself up and down his shaft on your trembling legs, you know your friend doesnât care for now, as he wshispers breathless âfuckâ. He rarely swears in your presence as he claims himself old fashioned and refuses to curse in the lady's presence.
His lips move hastily to your cleavage and you begin to feel a layer of sweat on your skin.
âHyuckâ you pant. âI feel hotâ
âYou are hot, sweetheart,â he murmurs. Lips occupied, nibbling around the strap of your bra.
You just shake your head at his lame response, in too much hustle to address it. âTake it off.â
He eagerly croons, moving his fingers from your ass to the fastening of your bralette, you smile at him trying to struggle with it one handed since he refuses to let go of your hand to make it easier.
âIâll give it right backâ you assure. Your hips grind against his as you give your thighs a little break. He gasps at the movement and lets you unclasp your bra. He pulls it down right then, devotedly kissing the swell of each of your breasts.
âSo beautiful.â Your movements halt, shy with adoration yet you feel sting in your chest. Paying extra attention to your every little reaction, Hyuck recognises your doubt right away. He finds your gaze. âI mean it.â Arms around each other. Deep kisses. Intertwined fingers. Your movements get more confident and precise. God, feels good. When your legs start to tremble, Donghyuck bends his knees for support, making you lean back. With another sway of your hips, heâs hitting a spot inside you and has you moaning. His hips buck up at the sinful sound you made.
Your movements speed up, your friend sits up to cover your chest in kisses, caressing your breasts with free hand. Thumb over your nipple sending strong shivers down your spine and when he places his mouth on it, your fingers squeezing his other palm tightly. Wary of your response he tentatively gives your bud a lick and then sucks lightly making you head spin. Your body arching, fully displayed for him to worship.
Youâre both covered in sweat as your walls start to tighten around him, he moves his hand from your breasts down to rub your clit.
âWait, wait, you say abruptly, forcing yourself to grab his forearm immediately making him halt his movement. âIâm gonna come,â you whine.
âYeah, thatâs the goal,â he whispers with a raspy voice, looking into your eyes and keeps working his fingers on you. Itâs so pleasurable you feel your high so close your hips start to move involuntarily and you come clashing hard. Clenching on him, you drag out a groan from him. Your body convulsing, pleasurable shivers not only running through your body but running in it. Your head goes blank for a moment, you mewl a weak âHyuckâ.
You feel like you ascentended from your body, only aware of your friend because of your intertwined fingers and his soft rubbing on your clit. Although you still feel your high wearing off you move his hand away from your centre and weakly try to move your hips but now even grinding is too much for you.
âHyuckâ you start, sounding broken. Heâs twitching in you, your walls pulsing around him and youâre hopeless. âI want you to come but I canât feel my legs,â you whine apologetically and he hums trailing kisses up your neck. âAre you⌠even close?"
âOh God,â he sighs needy in your skin. âI swear Iâm about to come. I could simply jack off butâŚâ his shaft twitching in you.â Can I take over, please?â
You just nod, eager to satisfy him. He helps you move from his lap, whining at your strained muscles and carefully lays you down on the soft sheets.
When his hips are settled between your legs, fingers above your head once again intertwined, he starts to rock against you. His thrusts more pinpointed than yours, dragging his member against your walls, quickly speeding up. His moves are almost desperate, grip on you firm as if heâd never wanted to let you go.
You shiver.
His mouth so close they steal your breath, swallowing the air you let out. His body between your legs, pinning you down, your skins sticky with sweat. The amount of stimuluses from another body is triggering. You freeze, unable to react, scared your slightest move would make you touch him more.
Though it doesn't make him disappear from above you, from inside you.
You feel shackled and you bite your lip to stop yourself from wincing.
Donghyuck is your best friend, the person who cares for you, the person you feel the most at ease with. The person who understands you or at least takes his time to get to you - if youâd ask him to stop heâd do it without questioning, putting your comfort over his.
However, him being your favourite person, makes you want him to feel as good as he made you feel, therefore you fight back your repulsion, shut down a screaming need to run away. You focus on his face, showing so many emotions you could spend days trying to comprehend the amount of passion this manâs heart can carry. He meets your eyes and slows down as if sensing something is wrong.
âAre you okay?â
You nod and avert your gaze, doing your best not to tremble when you bring your lips next to his ear
âCome, Hyuck.â your whisper is a little broken, begging. âPlease, come.â
And he does with the next sharp thrust, letting out a sweet moan, you feel his seed filling up the condom. His hips erratic, breath heavy as you let him ride out his high.
He places the softest, most tender and caring kiss on your temple and although you longed for his kisses minutes ago, now, when you feel trapped underneath him, the lovely act suffocates you.
You want to get up, you want space. The need to tear off your skin in places where it touches him seems unrealistic but rational at the same time. Thereâs not enough air to breath.
You donât mean to push Donghyuck off of you. Heâs spent and you know he needs a moment to recover but you donât trust yourself to stay like this any longer. âLet me goâ your voice is strained, when you aim for it to be calm.
He worriedly gets off of you, careful when he pulls out and takes the condom off. You roll on your side, close to the edge of matters, preparing yourself to get up, feeling better at the cold air hitting your skin. So free. Open and vulnerable laying completely naked on your friend's bed with slight aching between your legs. You force yourself to shower but the moment you get up, your trembling legs give up, your knees bending as you slump to the floor.
âCarefulâ you hear Donghyuck. Your body gets alert when he grabs your arms to support you. Feeling your body stiffening in aversion, he pulls away sitting you on the bed for a moment.
âDid I hurt you?â
He sounds worried and you canât brace yourself to look at him, so you just shake your head.
âHow are you feeling?â
You tighten your lips because you wanna tell him how extatic the whole experience was. You felt loved and adored like youâve never been. Perfectly accepted in your whole being. But then it stomped onto you. You lost grip on the situation and overreacted.
âGood,â you whisper.
He knows youâre not.
âLook at me,â he says.
You couldn't, ashamed of your selfishness. You wanted to run and rushed him to finish, when he was so affectionate and devoted to you.
âPlease,â he asks again, lowering himself on his knees to your eye level. He reaches a hand out to you but you instinctively withdraw yours avoiding his touch. You look at him apologicately and immediately regret it, seeing his hurt gaze. You know you should grab his hand and hug him, yet knowing how to appease him, doesnât make you do it. Right now you canât bear the thought of touching him. You close your eyes.
âCan I use the shower?â you ask, itching to get yourself clean. At this moment being dirty and still feeling someoneâs touch on you clouds your mind to the point you canât possibly care about anything else.
He doesnât respond immediately and when he does, heâs voice sounds strange, absent-minded like heâs disbelieving.
âDo you have clothes to change?â
You donât. After all, all of this was cancelled.
You watch him get up, pulling out a long-sleeved hoodie from his closet and handing it to you. You put it on you when heâs grabbing other clothes for you.
âMay I?â
At your nod he helps you up, cautious to grab you only by your covered forearms; he walks you to the bathroom leaving you at the door frame, handing you fresh clothes.
You only left him with a formal âThank youâ, before locking the door behind you.
***
Since the morning youâve been working on your sculpture to busy yourself with something and keep your mind away from overthinking. Which didnât really work.
Renjun showes up in the atelier in the late afternoon for your drawing practise, but the only thing his presence changes is the target of your nerves.
You frown displeased at another sketch youâve made today. Messed up proportions, uncaptured movement of the body, wrong composition and clear anatomy confusion. Basic mistakes youâve been making the whole day.
âWhatâs up with you today?â Renjun asks, clearly noticing your bad performance.
âWhat do you mean?â
âWell, I'm not shaming but your work looks like shit. Itâs like your first time with charcoal in hand.â Words not kind but fittingly describing your drawings.
âIâm just⌠having a bad day.â
âBad day, huh?â Renjun gives you a side eyed look. âYou know who else has been having a bad day for the last four days?â
Donghyuck, of course. The last few days have been like a constant feeling of guilt and uncertainty since what happened between you two on saturday.
You knew you messed up. You shouldn't distance yourself and push Hyuck away.
He made sure you enjoyed the evening and felt comfortable, fully adapting to your needs and wants.
Whatever you want. Iâm all yours.
He made the whole night about you when you couldn't make it to stay with him for aftercare.
Donât overthink. Donghyuck is just a very devoted and caring friend. It doesnât mean that affection and kindness he showers you with is distinctive to you. Itâs natural for him to treat his friends this way.
And even though shower did calm you down, cleared your thoughts, and purified that heavy, dragging-down feeling, you pushed Donghyuck away and now you should apologize and make up for it.
However when you came back to his room, standing in a doorframe uncertain how to begin an apology he was staring blankly into space lost in thoughts. You've made your way to the bed, quietly sitting on the edge.
Tentatively you slid your arm on the covers, but be withdraved his fingers before you could reach them.
It had never crossed your mind that he might reject you.
He never ever denied you affection, even when you were fighting. He never questioned your plea for touch, always happily welcoming it. So what happened now? Was it because you ran away so abruptly? Would you really hurt him that badly? Or maybe youâve mistaken the whole situation? Maybe he didnât expect aftercare since you're not exactly lovers? His sudden coldness in such a contrast to the loving demeanour he had just moments ago, made you feel so inappropriate.
You glance at him. He didn't look at you, his eyes blindly staring at the wall in front of him. You were out of place. Feeling of being unwelcome consuming you, but you didnât really want to go, scared that if you leave now, you wonât be able to talk things out, making you two stay this awkward. Yet you knew itâs your fault, and you didnât want to do more harm, therefore you were ready to leave if thatâs what your friend wished for.
âDo youâŚâ you cleared your throat after hearing your hoarse voice. âShould I leave?â
His lips formed a fine line, as you waited for response. He only spoke up when you numbly got up, looking for your clothes.
âDonât go,â he muttered. âJust⌠just go to sleep. Itâs late.â he said dispiritedly, standing up and disappearing behind the bathroom door.
Confused and lost, you cautiously laid down hoping tomorrow morning youâd be able to talk it out. But the morning wasnât easy either. You both had bad sleep, laying for hours side by side on a bed too small for two people avoiding contact with each other. An awkward and heavy silence swallowing you as neither wanted to start the conversation out of fear of being dismissed. The night was long, as the feeling of guilt and uneasiness laid on your chest, taking your sleep away. You only napped a bit before the dusk, tired from overthinking and lulled by Hyuckâs steady breath.
He got up a little before you - the bed empty but still a little warm when you woke up. His absence caused a small sting in your chest.
He was in the kitchen, pouring milk into the bowl of cereal, when he spotted you in the doorway. Wearing your own clothes, bag on the shoulder, ready to leave. The awkwardness basically pushing you out of the flat.
He gauged you. âI suppose you're not staying for breakfast?â He had dark shadows under eyes, hair messy, his usually energized posture now slouched.
âI should probably get going. Itâs late and Iâd rather avoid running into Johnny.â
He just nodded.
âIâŚâ you started, not really sure what to say. He didnât want to talk. But you didnât want to leave like this. âIâll see you around then?â
He looked back at the milk in his bowl. You couldnât see his face but wanted to kick yourself for how hurt he seemed when he gave you a weak âSure.â
You left with a heavy feeling in your chest, doors closing behind you louder than ever.
Now you look up at Renjun, anxiety filling you up.
âDid he say something?â
âSo it is about you two.â he says smugly, gathering his own drawings into a folder.
Oh. So he didnât.
âDonghyuck just keeps saying itâs not my business when it clearly is. Weâve got to have shit done for the project and he's been sulking since sunday,â he complains. âWhat happened between you two?â
âNone of your business.â You collect your pencils and tie them up together with rubber to keep them from scattering in your bag.
The boy pouts. âCould you at least talk it out? I really need him at his best right now.â
Sweet Renjun, always so selfless.
âNot really. He doesnât want to talk to me.â You put on your jacket rushing up the boy with a firm stare.
âNo way.â He gives you a doubtful look, but obediently puts on his coat. âBoy is such a simp for you, I won't believe heâs giving you the cold shoulder.â
He might have meant it in a playful way but his words hit a nerve. âHyuck is not a simp. Especially not for me.â
Renjun raised his brows high. âYou do realize he bribed me to teach him waltz the whole Friday, right? I wonder who he might do that for.â
âHeâs a very good friend and has an interesting personality with a charming attitude,â you state, holding the door for Renjun and you get pulled with it by the strong wind.
âSure.â He looks at you unapologeticaly. âHonestly, you two are sulking and it doesnât do any good for either of you. You look like two miserable rolls of sadness.â
You sigh. Hyuck was a constant element of your life for the past two years and you didn't realize how it would look like without him. Of course, itâs not like you talked every day, at times when one of you would go to visit family or for a weekend with friends, you were perfectly fine with catching up after a few days. But this was different.
Then you knew there was an option to text him all call when you needed it, you knew that he was gonna come back and youâd spend hours talking your ears off.
Now? Even though youâve seen each other on campus in the past days youâd barely acknowledge the other.
âBelieve me, if only I could - Iâd fix this.â
âSo youâre the one to blame? If youâre ready to apologize, why canât we just make him listen to you? Maybe if he knows youâre sorry heâd forgive you whatever you did.â
The problem is Hyuck has this pro-people personality, which means heâd rather avoid the problem than resolve it and risk that confrontation might do more harm than good. You sigh again. Sweeping the problem under the rug doesnât resolve it.
âThe thing is that considering what I think I did that heâs hurt about forcing him to anything wouldn't be fair.â
âYouâre not sure what you did to hurt him?â Renjun asks, puzzled.
âKind of?â Because you know - you neglected him. Though this was never the reason for him to dismiss you. âThe thing is that when I wanted to fix it he rejected me.â Your voice breaks at the end. Talking about it with Renjun - even briefly - somehow made it seem more like a situation that actually happened, not just a dream you and Donhyuck miraculously shared.
When you stop at the crossroad you face Renjun and try not to squirm under his scanning gaze. âI know I screwed but he wonât even look at me,â you say with a shaky voice.
Why is he avoiding you? It canât be just because you left. Did he regret he had sex with you? Was the whole experience bad for him or was it just you? Is it possible for your impressions to differ that drastically? You felt ecstatic when he thought it obnoxious? Would that be the reason he would treat you like that? Because he felt sorry for you? But itâs not like himâŚ
âHey.â You hear Renjunâs voice and notice his hand waving before your eyes to catch your attention. âI believe there's a way to make things right. Donghyuck isnât okay with this silent treatment he gives you either. Besides, he likes you too much to let you go so easily.â His words are comforting but his voice strict, matching his next words âSo either you two just need a moment to sort things out or youâve hurt him like hell, and I swear if you did, Iâll dig a grave for you with my own hands.â he declares, making your heart heavy with guilt. âNow, letâs go. Weâre already late.â
âIâm not going to guys today.â
âBullshit.â
âI donât think Donghyuck wants me there.â
Renjun gasps in fake outrage. âThanks. Itâs not like I want you to come. Or Johnny. Or Jaemin. Or Mark. Or⌠â
âOkay I got it.â You stay silent for a moment, nonetheless following your friend. âBut what if it upset him?â
âI donât care and I donât know what happened but avoiding each other instead of talking it out seems to make it worse. Honestly, if you wonât come you will add fuel to the fire.â
âDidnât you just say that we need a moment to sort it out?â
âFor days is a hella long moment, for my liking,â he judges. âStop scrutinizing.â
âIâm just humbly trying to follow your inconsistent guideline.â You shove your hands deep in your pockets to protect them from the cold.
***
When you arrive at the guysâ place thereâs a lot of noise coming from inside and Renjun knocks at the door twice to finally hear footsteps approaching the door.
The thought of being dismissed by Donghyuck, unnerves you and you instinctively grab for your friend's hand to settle yourself, only to feel repulsion and disappointment. Itâs not Hyuck, you realize - his fingers are longer and pleasantly warm, skin much softer, contrasting with yours dry from clay. You quickly let go of Renjunâs hand apologizing.
âItâs okay,â he affirms in a low tone. âI get it.â
You hear Johnnyâs voice and then Hyuck opens the door. His smile falls at the sight of you.
âWhatâs up?â chirps Renjun.
Donghyuck just stares at you coldly.
âI didnât know if youâd come today.â
These are the first words you hear from him since Sunday morning and you are slightly taken aback by how unfamiliar his voice sounds: hollow as if washed out of emotions.
It hurts but guess you deserve it.
âWhy wouldn't I meet my friends?â you clench your jaw. âJust because you overlook me doesnât mean I should ignore them.â
Okay that wasnât nice either. Renjun subtly shoves your foot. Be kind. Didnât he mention something about adding fuel to the fire?
You watch Donghyuckâs Adamâs apple move as his gulps, silently shifting his full attention to Renjun. It affected him - good. At least heâs not staring blankly at you anymore.
âHay, man.â he forces a smile on his face and you get thrills at how sincere it seems. âGuys are in the living room. Weâre having a drinking night today.â
You raise eyebrows in surprise as he lets you in. Itâs the middle of the week so there is usually no alcohol at the gatherings.
âWe have beer and vodka if youâre interested but if you want something else you should probably pop to the store before it closes.â
âWhy so abruptly? Couldn't you text us?â asks Renjun, taking off his coat.
âJaemin broke up with his girlfriend.â
âSo weâre mourning or celebrating?â you inquire.
Donghyuck only shrugs, not even looking at you and walks back to the living room.
And as if youâre not feeling shitty enough, Renjun looks at bewildered and whispers âWhat the fuck did you do?â
For the rest of the night youâre dismissed by Hyuck which seems to not go unnoticed by your friends. No one addresses it though and the elephant in the room is eventually forgotten in conjunction with consumed alcohol and lazyly played out game.
Todayâs theme is butterfly, chosen by Mark last week, because apparently âtheyâre both pretty and creepyâ. The first round goes quite fast; people give the easiest references to use it up before others.
Mark starts with a Butterfly Effect movie with Ashton Cutcher and at that Donghyuck said âButterfly effect, but the real one, according to chaos theory - Edward Lorenzâs Butterfly effect.â
âYeah, yeah,â says Johnny. âYou donât need to remind us how smart you are.â He takes a sip from his drink. âButterfly effect by Travis Scott.â
Renjun and you enumerate art pieces with butterflies and when you run out of Dali you proceed to Kush and Hirst.
Jeamin drops out first as heâs the most wasted and canât pay attention to actually compete.
âWhy - and I mean why - among plenty of insect superheroes there's none turning into butterflies? Spiders, ants, freaking vaspsâŚ.â
â...ladybugs and papillons,â you interfere cheerily. âMiraculous Ladybug for my turn.â
You have to admit you liked this state. You were the joyful drunk type, booze making you giddy and loosening your tongue. Thatâs one of the reasons why you donât drink often. Youâre scared you might lose yourself in this carefree mood and get stuck, never drinking to the point when you werenât aware of the amount of liquor youâve been pouring into yourself. The fear of not being able to control your body and behavior creeping on you, effectively keeping you in check.
âThen Iâll go with Barbie Mariposa'' says dreamly Johnny. âSheâs soo cool. I wanna have her sparkling wings. They would leave a path of glitter wherever I go. So spectacular.â
âDude, youâre too heavy even for whale wingsâ Mark points out after drowning down shots with Renjun.
âWhaleâs wings are fins and they have totally different functions.â frowns Renjun.
âDuh. Thatâs why they call it homologous organs.â
âNot really, arms are homologous actually, wings areâŚâ
âI wanna be a fairy!â whines Johnny.
âThen maybe stop bulking up,â advises Mark.
Johnny firmly shakes his head with tight lips, displeased. âNo, no. No. I succeeded in earning Hyuck abs. If I gave up now Iâd lose the accomplishment.â
âYouâre shitting me,â exclaims Renjun. Even Jeamin props himself up from the floor to have a good look at boys. âI want to see.â
âExcuse me?â Donghyuck nearly chokes on the beer heâs been sipping since you came.
âWhy wonât you show off your muscles hmm?â taunts Jaemin. âItâs just us.â He maneuvers his hand around the room and stops at you. âOh, right. Our prude can close her eyes if she minds the sigh of a human body.â
You huff.
âYou still havenât got a dare right?â you ask, bitter at the memory of the Saturday night. âIt was really nice not being able to talk last week, so have fun with that.â
The boy frowns and lies back down on the floor hiding his head on the elbows. âBuzzkill.â
âHush. Jaem. Youâre not allowed to speak,â says Donghyuck, not looking at you. âItâs my turn.â
And this is how the game goes. Songs and books are being cited, Johnny and Mark lost one by one, failing to properly cite Papillon book and its movie adaptations, passing the turn to Renjun.
âButterfly waltz,â he says.â By Brian Crainâ
Your body weighs down with a sour reminder of sweet dances with Hyuck in the living room. You want to look at him, check if he thinks about it too. You restrain yourself. Youâd be hurt if he wouldnât and it would be awkward if he would. Instead, you glance at drunk Renjun who quickly catches it and winks at you before shifting his eyes back to Donghyuck.
âSo?â
âI donât know,â answers the boy with a distant voice. âPassâ
âItâs a dare thenâ Renjun claps his hands joyfully. âYou know, Johnny really intrigued me with those abs of yours. Mind taking off your shirt?â
Hyuck clenches his jaw displeased but nonetheless complies, grabbing the shirt on his back and tugging it through his head. You avert your eyes, trying not to stare when Mark whistles softly. âNice job, Johnny.â âI believe you mean muscles,â says Johnny, collecting Hyuckâs shirt like a trophy and putting it rolled under his head. âGod knows, hickeys are not mine.â
You look mortified at Donghyuck. His skin is stamped with fading - but still visible - marks you left on his chest in places you thought no one would see. Guess you were wrong. You look up and meet his expecting eyes. His gaze hurt but distanced as if saying Are you proud of yourself?
You stand up, too frantically - you get light-headed. Your friends joke around as you go to Donghyuckâs bedroom to grab him something to wear. Thereâs no trace of tidiness from a few days ago. Pencils scattered on the desk along with open books and notes spread out on the floor. You grab the only folded clothing in your eyesight from beside the unmade bed, recognizing it as the hoodie he offered you the last time you were in here. It looks just like you left it on Sunday morning and your heart shrinks with the sorrowful feeling.
You come back to the living room, handle Donghyuck the clothing which he accepts grudgingly, shivering as the goosebumps cover his skin. Heâs met with loud protest from the guys when he pulls it on.
âShut up,â you nag them, averting your gaze from his body. âYou dared him to take off his shirt not to freeze off his ass.â You sit back at your place on the floor next to Renjun. âMoronâ you murmur angrily.
âYou wonât believe it but I have a theory why you two are on not talking terms.â He adjusts to your undertone letting guys unconsciously cover it up with their loud antics. âI think youâre jealousâŚâ
âIâm not jealous,â you protest.
â...Then I think youâre mad at Donghyuck for getting laid. Though it has a bunch of missing points - like shouldn't you be the one giving him the silent treatment then? Nevertheless it still seems more likely than the other theory in which you two finally slept with each other but it didnât end up well.â He takes a sip from his drink.âBut this one has one hella big black hole which is you having sex.
You clench your jaw, irritated at your meddling friend. âAlphonse Muchaâs Dance from 1898,â you say, trying to drop the subject, however Renjun just stares at you with a tilted head, a drunky-curios look on his face. Then he raises his eyebrows hiccuping.
âPass.â He gives up the game letting you win. âSo, tell me the truth. You did it, didnât you? I know youâve been hanging out together on Saturday.â
âAnd how does it differ from other times we hang out together?â
âI donât remember. It made sense in my head just now.â He furrows his brows trying to think past his drunken state. âOh. Johnny mentioned Hyuck wanted a flat for himself at that time.â
âYouâre wasted.â You reach for the cup in his grasp..
âButâŚâ
âNo. Youâre barely sitting straight.â You flinch at how uptight you get as you start to sober up. You hate mothering your friends but you donât want to see them puking their own clothes. âYouâre gonna have a massive hangover tomorrow.â
âNot cool.â He pouts. âYou restrict my liberty.â
âHave fun then.â You give him back the cup and get up. âSorry for suffocating you.â
You sigh tiredly leaving the room to hide in the kitchen, knowing the boys are drunk. Usually you play along with your friendâs teasing and understand social aspects of alcohol but it takes its toll on you to be around hammered people. Some levels of intoxication were giving more harm than fun.
You close your eyes. You mean well. It just doesnât end up as intended so maybe you shouldnât interfere? After all youâre all adults and you believe your friends can keep a level head. Yet somehow Donghyuck cares for their friends and still manages for people to not see him as prude and up-tight. You cover your face with palms, sighing. âWhat is wrong with me?â
âY/n?â you hear his mild voice and look up. Heâs standing in the doorway, keeping you at distance, nonetheless his eyes wide with concern.
Apologize. Heâs here waiting for you to speak up. Say youâre sorry.
âIâŚâ you hesitate, as he meets your gaze. You miss him. Your talks and nights spent together on the couch with a movie playing on the tv. You miss his brilliant insight and playfulness. For the past few days you were missing his touch - something youâd never think about before. You were feeling like the moment heâll speak up to you, youâd ask for his daily hugs for all missed days. Though now when youâre standing with him one on one, his presence is enough. In fact itâs more, so much more you donât want to let it go, not daring to stampede him by bringing up that night. â... just wanted to grab some water.â
He stays silent, gauging you as if figuring out. He doesnât say a word yet you feel small under his gaze.
âI better head off.â You place a random glass in the sink, pretending you just emptied it. âHow are guys?â
âWasted. They wonât even notice if youâll goâ
âI donât want them to ⌠misunderstand it.â
He hums and thinks for a moment. âI didnât hear what Renjun told you but Iâm sure heâll regret it when he sobers up.â
âItâs not only him.â You shake your head. âJaemin is right about...â
âTonight heâs extra mean to everyone.â Donghyuck points out with a calm voice. âBut if you really want to, I'll excuse you. Is your roommate coming to get you?â
You wrap your shoulders around yourself. âYeah,â you lie.
He raises eyebrows and straightens up. âFor sure she is.â
You frown. âBut Iâm not drunk anymore.â
âIrrelevant. Itâs the middle of the night and that's highly irresponsibleâ he huffs at you, heading to the door to grab his jacket.
âStop it. Iâve been coming back home at night by myself plenty of times,â you remind him. âIâm going alone. If you walk me youâd be the one coming home by yourself and thatâs ridiculous.â
âIâd ratherâŚâ
Heâs interrupted by the sound of shattering glass and Johnny's theatrical call âWe have an emergency, nurse!â
âLooks like youâre more needed here.â
He tightens his lips in a firm line.
âOh, fuck! Now itâs actually an emergency.â you hear Markâs high pitched voice.
You raise your brow.
âJust... let me know when youâll get home.â
You put on your own jacket. âIf I won't forget.â
âIâll call you in twenty minutes and if you wonât pick up Iâll start searching through ditches.â
âIâd already be dead, it would make more sense if youâd wait âtill morning.â
âY/n,â he demands sternly.
âI promise Iâll text,â you assure. âNight, Donghyuck.â You close the door behind you, shutting down yells coming from the living room.
***
After you leave Donghyuck goes back to the guys to get rid of the shattered glass and wrap up Jeaminâs fingers.
âYou suck at it.â Mark comments, truthfully - Donghyuck does it messily, his hands shaking when picking the glass from broken skin.
âYeah, Iâd rather have a pretty nurse treating my wounds.â Jaemin pouts. âWhereâs y/n?â
Donghyuck clenches his jaw. âYou were a dickhead and she went home. Stop. fucking. wincing.â
âI wasnât more of a dickhead than you. Youâre just jealous I got balls to call her pretty, asshole.â
âI swear Iâm going to push those pisces further in if you wonât shut up.â
âTo be fair,â interferes Mark - the only person besides Donghyuck sober enough to care about Jaemin's state. âYou both acted like jerks. And y/n would take care of it more thoroughly and way faster, actuallyâ
Donghyuk huffs. âGreat. If you hurry you might catch up to her before she gets kidnaped on her way home.â
âHey, you're not the only one worried she's coming back on her own,â oposses Mark. âMaybe if you weren't ignoring her the whole night she'd stay.â
Donghyuck's phone vibrates in his pocket and he quickly pulls it out to read your message.
Stoneheart softie â¤ď¸>> Iâm home. (1:49 a.m.)
âOh God,â exhales Mark, looking over Donghyuckâs shoulder. âStoneheart softie with a heart? How smitten with her are you?â
Stoneheart softie â¤ď¸>> are guys alive? (1:50 a.m.)
âI am not. Back off, will you?â Donghyuck raises eyebrows at Mark, ignoring the knowing look he exchanges with Jeamin.
> a little too alive for my liking. Donât worry and go to sleep. (1:51 a.m.)
Stoneheart softie â¤ď¸>> hope youâll manage them. Night (1:51 a.m.)
Donghyuck puts down his phone and shifts his gaze to meet his friendsâ suggestive looks.
âWhat?â
âNothing.â Mark exhales. âJust... donât screw it up.â
âBecause from what weâve seen today youâre fucking nailing it,â adds Jeamin and reaches out his wounded palm back towards Donghyuck.
***
Two days later, on Friday afternoon Donghyuck is knocking on your front door. He knows youâre home even though youâre not answering - heâs seen the dimmed light in your window from outside of the building.
The idea of meeting you makes him nervous since heâs not sure how to act around you. Even though you talked two days ago, he knows that tip-toed conversation wonât fix this awkward mess youâre currently in. And although he knows that this distance between you two is mostly his fault, it's initiated by you, which for him is a big question mark on how you see this relationship.
He knocks on the door again, anxious at why youâre not answering. Did you really not want to talk to him? Every time heâs seen you on campus this week youâve been avoiding his gaze and even though you seemed fine, your smile faded and the shadows under your eyes got more visible every day. Donghyuck supposed he didnât want to talk to you either and yet here he was. He was mad and hurt you ditched him that night but he missed you too much to give up on you. He wanted to talk to you, experience your coltish playfulness and wit, listen to your exuberant rants about art and again feel familiar to you.
You were a very closed up person and the last few days were a cruel reminder of it. You were way more open and free-hearted around him than when you two were among your friends. Not being able to experience your unrestricted self made him feel left out. He couldnât stop thinking about artists you discovered this week, books and articles youâve read, anecdotes you gathered and small jokes youâve made through the day.
âFuck,â he curses under his breath. What was he even thinking when he offered you sex? Was he really that greedy that suddenly the time spent with you wasnât enough? If he knew how itâd turned out he would never bring up this stupid idea.
He hears quiet shuffling behind the door and looks up.
âYou know I can hear you, right?â he says feeling silly talking to the door. âAnd I see you through the peephole.â
âWhy are you here, Donghyuck?â your voice is muffled.
âWhy are you pretending that youâre not?â
âCan you come some other time?â you suggest.
Donghyuck is taken aback by your response. He knows heâs been cold to you lately but is it really that bad that you donât want to let him in?
He sighs and looks down at the album he's holding. âRenjun sent me to give you back this book about Abakanowicz.â
âItâs Abakano-vitch, not Abakano-witch.â you correct him reflexively. You clear your throat awkwardly. âCouldnât he come himself?â
âHe dodged me when I asked that.â What exactly happened was Renjun throwing the book at Donghyuck after he let out another sigh that afternoon. His friend, wanting to work efficiently, lost his patience and shoved him out of the flat with curses and instruction to âgive it back to y/n and donât you fucking dare to come back until youâll get everything done.â
Youâre both silent, waiting for the other to let go.
âIâm gonna open the door. Can you just leave it on the console?â
He clenches his jaw. âSure.â
He hears you unlocking the door and subduing footsteps as you move away. He enters the flat and places the album on the furniture standing by the wall, looking around but canât see you in the room. At least you still trust him enough to let him into your flat, he thinks bitterly.
Out of spite, he opens the front door once again as if to leave but he closes it right away, staying in the flat and waiting for you to come out from wherever youâre hiding.
After a moment you waddle out of your room, faltering at the sight of him standing across the living room. Youâre wrapped up in a weighted blanket you got from Hyuck after your first fight to make you âget used to hugsâ, hood tied on your face leaving out only your puffy eyes and red nose.
âI thought you left,â you stammer.
He feels his features soften at your cracking voice, sounding like a bad recording.
âI wanted to check up on you,â he lets himself give you this half-truth, because that was the plan... initially.
âWell, Iâm aliveâ You turn away from him, hiding your red face and taking down your hood in an attempt to look decent. You take a deep breath. âThanks for caring though.â
This⌠is bad. Donghyuck never saw you crying and looking at you right now feels wrong. No matter what happens you just don't cry - you didnât when youâve been writhing in pain when you had acute appendicitis nor when your rat died.
Your friendâs perturbed by your tears, standing frozen and trying to figure out how to handle them. He does a quick math to ascertain your mopey state is your upcoming period doing. He knows how down you tend to feel when your hormones are having a party in your body, as you decline his offers to hang out and stray from your hobbies - those are situations he knows how to deal with. This is just way harder.
âDo you need to talk?â
You stare back at him with a hurt face and he doesnât dare to look away.
âI do.â you nod. âAbout Saturday.â
Donghyuck licks his lip nervously. Is he dreading the conversation - yes, but he also feels slight relief. Youâre a problem solving person, therefore you wanting to talk it out means that you care and that whatever is happening with your relationship bothers you too.
âI understand you feel resentful towards me as I owe you an apology,â you start, and Donghyuck is slightly thrown off with your formal tone. âWhat I want to say is that⌠Thereâs actually a lot to say. But I want you to know that I am sorry I ran away and I regret it so so much because it was inconsiderate and selfish, especially that I acted this way towards you,â you confess.
Heâs staring at you, displeased by your described apology. He doesnât doubt your sincerity - heâs just hurt at how filtrated and thought-through it feels. You keep him at a distance like youâd want to forget you spent the night together. Like you want to erase your friendship back to where it was months ago.
âBut youâre very important to me therefore I need you to know that you didnât deserve to be treated the way I actedâ your voice wavers. âAnd I hope you forgive me.â
Conflicted, he shifts his gaze away from you - your glossy eyes pacify the rage caused by your words and cold demeanor. He wants both to scream at you and engulf you in a hug.
âI think⌠that if you still want us to be friends, it would be best to forget about it.â
Your lips part slightly as you stare at him, bemused by his harsh response.
âI will go now. Sorry for barging.â
You need a second to collect yourself before you rush to the door, stumbling on the long blanket, to block his way out.
âNo. You donâtâ you frown at him stubbornly. âYou stay here until we talk it out. Miscommunication is the most common reason for ruined relationships and Iâm not letting ours go because you wanna act like nothing happened. I know youâre not telling me something. Thereâs no way you donât care at all.â you sigh heartbroken. âIâm so lost. I tried to understand but I canât comprehend this. How could you be so tender and caring and next moment youâd barely acknowledge me. Was it an act? So I would feel loveable for once?â You stop dead and Donghyuck can see on your face how you're trying to rebuild the walls around yourself, gathering back the emotions you just let open for him to see. âCan you be honest with me, please? At least I wanna know what you actually meant that night.â
He looks at you disbelieving how you can doubt him. The puzzled and broken look on your face proving youâre not aware how he feels about you makes him lose his patience.
âI got hurt,â he simmers, looking at you intensely. âI adore you and I felt delighted that you decided to be intimate with me. Everything I said and did was sincere. I would never act on that. God, I donât even think I could,â he exhales, taking a step back. âIf anything, I let myself be more frank than I ever had around you. And you⌠You were so intimate and exposed I felt like I experienced raw you - open up down to the core. The tenderness behind your adamant demeanor, dedication behind persistence, tactfulness behind harshness. Your pursuit for the best being your whole⌠I let myself believe that perhaps you might like me a little bit more than a friend.â
He swallows hard, thinking how you showed him another side of you he didnât know he wanted to know - the loving kisses you bestowed him with, tender touch on his skin, attentive eyes scanning his body like itâs an artwork. How heâs the only one youâre comfortable with touching and you let - you wanted - him to touch you everywhere. Maybe it wasnât that meaningful to you, maybe those were just hormones? âOne moment we were making love and the next you were backing away and flinching under my touch. At first I thought I hurt you. However you simply walked out and locked yourself in the bathroom. Dismissing me like a damn toy.â
You look into his eyes, an unconscious pout forming on your face. âI freaked out,â you say quietly. âAnd I didnât want you to see it. Thatâs why I ran away.â You rub your face and hold your palms over your cheeks. âIt was so⌠intense. Both mentally and physically. And when you⌠when we⌠â a blush emerges from behind your fingertips.â Um⌠at the end the feeling was everywhere inside and out and it was so absorbing. You were so close, I felt you and I couldnât move. Actually I could hardly breathe and my body was getting numbâŚâ you sigh hopelessly. âI didnât know how I'd react and didnât want to snap at you.â
âWhy didn't you stop me?â he asks, letting out a trembling breath. Your behavior now seems abstract-like considering the fact that he was violating you causing your panic attack.
âI didnât want to.â
âWhat the hell, y/n?â he whispers bewildered. âI abused youâ
Your eyes widen at Donghyuckâs conclusion, stumbling after him as he moves to the window, opening it to let in the col air. His head and chest are boiling and he wants to throw fists at himself for hurting you. It didnât matter if you asked him to sleep with you. He knew you well enough to know youâre too prideful and stubborn to back away even if youâre disturbed.
The fresh nighty air cools your raging bodies. He feels your presence right next to him, not even looking at you. Youâre standing too close but now even if youâd move to the other side of the room Donghyuck would feel like heâs invading your personal space.
He takes a step back.
âIt was like... running, I guess?â your voice is barely audible. âYou know, when your body revolts yet you wanna keep running anyway because you just know that thatâs what you want.â
âAre yo seriously comparing sex with me to running?â
âWell,â you shrug. âI really like running - you should be flattered.â
He gasps, unbelieving how you can be joking right now.
âThis is serious, y/n. I violated youâŚâ
You shake your head firmly. âDonghyuck. Donghyuck, look at me.â Your voice is more demanding, making him commply. He looks up at your determined eyes.
âYou think someone could take advantage of me? Youâre right. But youâre also foolish to think Iâd let that happen again.â
He furrows his brows, confused.
You lick your lips nervously. âWhen I was in high school I used to travel by train a lot for my pre-exam painting course. One Saturday I was waiting at a railway station after classes, watching a movie on my phone. It was a minor station so even though it was the middle of the day it was mostly empty, only a few people sitting across the track. As I was waiting there, a man approached and sat on the other end of the bench. Like I said there were no people so I was puzzled why he didnât sit on one of the free benches. Nonetheless I said nothing because he looked slightly⌠abandoned by people and lonely and I didnât want to be rude.â Your voice hangs for a moment. "I was watching a movie with my earphones on so it took me way too much time to notice he was jacking off, staring at me, objectifying.â Donghyuck is distraught by your words and what you say next makes him feel sick and angry. âHe didnât even touch me - his obnoxious moans, hollow sound of his hand pumping his erection, lustful and piercing gaze made me despise myself for not reacting earlier, for letting him use me without me knowing, for being so freakin oblivious.â Your voice loses stability for a moment as you reconstruct the memory.
He opens his mouth.
âWait, Iâm making a point here.â You exhale, your breath shaky. âYou made me feel a lot of things. Passion, desire, easement, acceptance... Iâm not saying this is how you feel about me - this is how I felt - so loved it overwhelmed me but so good I wanted you to feel as close to this as possible. And Iâm sorry it turned out like this but believe me you did not do anything i didn't want to nor harmed me in any way.â
Donghyuck swallows hard trying to find the right words to say, as you stare at him biting your lip waiting.
âAre you still angry with me?â you ask in a low tone.
âGod, no.â His voice mild yet tired as he compulsively takes a step toward you. âNo. And Iâm sorry for rejecting you that night. I shouldnât have jumped into conclusionsâŚâ
âThen can we hug?â you plead.
âOh, yes.â He exhales, weak for any form of affection youâre willing to give him. âYes, please.â
He strides towards you, fitting in your tight embrace. Wrapping his arms around you, embossing, he feels your pulse and heat radiating from you, even though your palms carry their usual coldness. Donghyuck contently tightens his grip and feels you squeezing him back.
âI missed this.â your voice cracks at the end.
âStop crying, crybaby. Weâre all good,â he murmurs in your ear.
âAbout that." You squeeze his sides, snuggling your head in the crook of neck. âDo you accept refunds?â
âExcuse me?â
He feels you smile against his shoulder, pleased with his offended tone. âI mean your performance was just fine, though adverse effects were beyond distressing.â âOh.â He lights up at your scheme. âIâm sorry, miss, but you ought to lodge a complaint within twenty-four hours from the end of the service. However, for special clients, we do offer compensation.â
âHmm. And what does the compensation include?â
âIt depends on the agreement between contractor and customer.â âIn that case, I remember my compensation including movie night with the contractor.â
He nods. âI believe there was also section about hawaian pizza and ice creams.â You cheer, excited at the idea. âFor the contractor of course to make amends for the commute.â
âYouâre unbelievable.â
âDuh, youâre to picky to have sex with just anyone.â He grins and you roll your eyes with a soft smile appearing on your face.
âOh, the way you compliment yourself at my expense.â
âSee what a self-sufficient man you got for yourself? I donât even need other people to receive compliments.â
You sneer and pull back out of his grasp. âWeâre watching a movie. Some action or thriller? We need heavy stuff to get rid of your growing ego polluting the air. Thereâs no oxygen to breathe with. â
âTitanic then?â
âDid you hear what I just said?â
âYeahâ he confirms, throwing himself on the couch. âIs a drowning ship with hundreds of people on the board not heavy enough for you?â
You shake your head at him âYouâre the worst.â
He is. And he feels over the moon to have you back with him.










