Synopsis 𖦹.ᐟ : you were at a dead end with jobs so you decided to listen to your friend's advice and look for some rich family to look after but you weren't prepared to be faced with such a handsome man to be the dad.
Warning : mdni, unprotected sex, oral (f.rec) , p in v , fingering, multiple female orgasms, light nipple play.
Wc : 2.4k
A/n : this is for jaehyun's discharge finally 🔥🔥
You Look at the big house in front of you that might even be considered a Palace for you, you walk in your worn out converse to the door and knock on it waiting for someone to answer the door, rethinking your life decisions, you were here for a babysitting job, though you dislike kids, never was your cup of tea, you were here because well, let's say you need a part-time job, or something on the side to save up while being able to study, you were broke, your bank account having spider webs in it from how empty it was, you wouldn't even be able to be in college but you tried to apply for scholarships and you were lucky enough to get accepted, thankfully they provided dorms and breakfast, and since you come from not a very rich family, you had to get a job, as a barista, you worked as a bartender, but you'd last a semester before some of them shut down due to no customers.
Babysitting was never your cup of tea, you did it once when you were a teen to get some cash in summer and it was the worst experience of your life, all the crying, putting up a fight for stupid stuff, wanting to stay past bed time and not just listening–choosing to whine instead begging you to soften up and let them stay ‘five more minutes’ for the nth time. You couldn't handle it and it was the last time you even considered looking at children – or considering having one.
But your friend told you about these rich people and how they rarely even look after their own children so naturally they look for a babysitter, so naturally you gave the thought some time, and so you decided to look for some children to look after, looking through websites and parenting communities, your eyes full on one of the posts
‘Looking for a babysitter for my girl! She's 5 years old and needs someone to play with” so you send to them – assuming it's a mom not looking much into the profile
“Hello, ma'am I've seen your post about needing a babysitter and I was wondering if you're still available?”
sending a message like you did to the other parents.
It took a week for anyone to answer , you thought you were too late asking to be some kid babysitter– until you got a message
“Oh yes hello, thank god , may I ask when you are free?” They ask, a little too straightforward but sure
“I'm available tomorrow all day” you send after checking the account. It was anonymous, no profile photo, no name it only says jeong, what kind of name is that? You think but shrug it off , and it takes few minutes before they answer
“That's perfect , can you come tomorrow at 11 am?” They send and you raise an eyebrow. What kid would possibly be up at 11 am? But you send a quick message agreeing to the time regardless.
And here you are standing in front of the door, it was exactly 11 am. You waited outside for a minute before the door was opened and if you said this wasn't the most beautiful man you've seen, you'd be lying.
“Hello? I'm here for uh Mrs.jeong? Must be the wrong house-”
“No you're right, I'm mr.jeong” he says, his voice a bit deep it was almost scary, he moves away a bit and lets you in, you walk in looking at the minimalistic yet rich design
“I didn't quite catch your name” he says and you tell him your name
“Okay so we need to talk first” he says
“Oh it's okay I wait for Mrs.jeong” you smile awkwardly
“There's no Mrs.jeong” he says and your smile drops slightly, well shit you just embarrassed yourself in front of a man you've met a minute ago.
“Ah I see, well yeah sure” you nod and he leads you to the living room, he gives you his daughter's schedule and all the rules she has to follow and all the rules you have to follow.
“Are we clear here?” He asks and you nod awkwardly
“You'll be paid 500 per day” he says and suddenly the job isn't so scary
“When can I start?” You ask
“Now.” He says and stands up
“I have to go to work , she comes back from school at 2 pm” he clears, what type of job starts at 12 pm? You think internally but nod anyway, he hands you a paper with his number before leaving.
You hear a knock assuming it's his daughter, you open the door and there she was, looking like her father, she walks inside and raise an eyebrow at you but doesn't question anything regardless, she goes to her room to change out of her clothes, there were some food already prepared for her, probably made by a some expensive chef or something.
“So, do you like cartoons?” You ask nonchalantly and can see her eyes obviously spark up as she nods and after her meal you open a Disney film for her to watch, she pats next her signaling for you to sit and you do so, burying her face into your side before Turing her head to watch the cartoon.
Soon enough she was falling asleep on you, you turned off the TV and took her to her bed. And you stay in the living room until her dad comes home.
It has been two months since you started babysitting June, you've also gotten closer to Mr.jeong– who told you later to call him jaehyun, you never really questioned what happened to her mother, she never mentioned, there are no photos of her, did she give birth and leave? You didn't really care.
You knock on the door and wait til someone opens, jaehyun opens the door, standing there looking every inch of the rich man he is
“Oh hello y/n” he smiles softly, his deep dimples showing and honestly it take every ounce of control not to jump onto him and kiss him on the spot
“Oh hello jaehyun” you reply before walking into the house
“She didn't go to school today since she was sick, take good care of her okay?” He says and you nod
“Daddy?” You hear the little voice coming from behind jaehyun
“Sweetie, what are you doing out of bed?” He scolds lightly
“Can you stay home?” she pouts and looks up at him, her eyes looked droopy and looked adorable overall.
“Sorry sweetie but daddy gotta work okay? I'll try to come early” he says and gives her a kiss on the cheek before leaving.
You take her to her bed and tuck her in.
“I wish you were my mommy” she says suddenly and you giggle assuming it's just the fever talking
“I'm sure your mommy loves you more” you tease
“My mommy left me” she pouts
“I heard daddy say so before when he thought I was asleep” she pouts
“You should rest, I'll grab your medicine okay?” You say suddenly and leave the room, that's why there are no photos of the mysterious woman, June herself probably never met that woman, this poor kid knowing so much at such a young age, you shake your head and grab her medicine.
Jaehyun did come early as he promised but she was already deep in her sleep
“How is she doing now?” He asks worriedly
“She's fine now, her temperature is normal, she's just asleep” you say and he sighs gratefully
“Thank you y/n” he says and pulls out your money for the day but with extra cash, you were gonna refuse to take more money but it won't really matter to him so why the hell would you do that?, you take the money and put it in your bag and grab the bag before leaving.
Today was the weekend, which is usually when you don't go but jaehyun tells you it's ‘urgent matters’ so you go after he says he's going to pay you more, you arrive at 6 pm, which is a weird time but better than being awake at 11 am on a weekend.
You knock the door as usual and jaehyun opens after a minute as usual, he was wearing one of these expensive looking suits
“Hey Jaehyun, where is June?” You look around, used to June being around the door if she wasn't at school
“She's at her grandparents house” that makes you freeze, why the hell would he call
“So why did you call then?” You raise an eyebrow
“I wanna take you out” he says and you look at him like he's speaking a foreign language and then look at down at your your hoodie and the jeans that have had permanent pen stains on them
“Well I must be overdressed then” you say sarcastically earning a chuckle from him
“Well come in, I got you a present” he says and invites you inside
And leads you to his room which you remember was prohibited for you to enter and now he's inviting you to his bedroom you walk in after him and find a box sitting on the bed and he signals for you to open it
There was laying a gorgeous dress and a new pair of shoes which surprises you
“Oh wow that's- thank you” you say awkwardly
“Well wear it, I'll wait outside” he say and you nod
You get dressed and though you're wearing heels it felt nice to wear something other than these sneakers.
You walk out of the room and find jaehyun in the living room and his face lights up when he sees you, you notice his ears starting to redden up.
“Took you long enough” he teases showing off his dimples as he smirks slightly when you roll your eyes.
He takes you to one of these fancy restaurants where everyone is dressed like they're going to the met gala.
After you both order, you talk about things to keep the conversation going
“You know , June really likes you. She's had nannies and babysitters but she never liked them as she does with you.” He says and smiles slightly
“That's sweet, I don't even like kids but maybe I've changed my mind now, well kinda” you shrug and he chuckles
After eating the main course and dessert obviously he drives back to his house
“This was very nice jaehyun, I can't remember the last time I went out” you say and it is true, you only babysit June on your breaks and weekends when jaehyun is busy doing god knows what and you want to graduate so you go home and study your ass off falling asleep on the desk, yeah..not your best time.
“It's nothing, I do have to thank you for taking care of June after all” he says, his dimples popping.
He goes to the kitchen and pour you a glass of his finest wine, sliding the glass in front of you before pouring some for himself as well, his eyes stay fixed on you as you drink the red liquid
“Why are you looking at me like that?” You ask awkwardly
“Like what?” He teases and raises an eyebrow.
“I don't know, like you wanna eat me maybe?” You shrug and finish your drink
“Maybe I do” he says
“Well I give you permission to” you say sarcastically and you can see his eyes darken , he walks to you and helps you stand, his hand on the small of your back leading you to his bedroom.
“Daddy must be starving huh?” You chuckle and he smiles
“Oh you don't wanna know” he pushes you onto the bed , he unbuckles his belt and removes his dress shirt , your dress was short enough he can see a hit of your white panties.
He climbs on top of you and leans down peppering kisses over your neck and chest
And bites down on your neck before pulling away, sliding down to your core, he pushes your dress up and slides your panties to the side burying his face in your cunt, his tongue licking up and down your clit, your hips buckle your fingers gripping the sheets tightly as you let out weak moans, his fingers rise to your clit entering you which makes you gasp due to their low temperature, but get adjusted to it, he curls his fingers up which makes you grip on his fingers before coming all over his fingers.
When he's off you you can't help but stare at his sculpture abs and the happy trail on his abdomen leading to his cock, he takes his pants and boxers off showing off his thick and veiny length standing tall and proud over his stomach, he climbs on top of you again and looks down at you but slamming into you hitting your spot immediately, thrusting in and out of you the pleasure flying straight to your brain, you release a string of moans and whimes , begging him to fuck you even more and he doesn't miss a beat, and oh did he look dreamy, all sweaty and sticky, hair sticking to his forehead, his breath heavy , you were snapped out of your thoughts when he pinches one of your nipples making you wince and whimper in pain mixed with pleasure, you were reaching your climax, he felt it when your walls grip tightly on his cock milking him desperately your body aching for release, your eyes roll , hands gripping his shoulders pretty sure leaving marks there, as you come all over his dick, his pace fasten when he feels close not stopping even when you beg him weakly too tired to stop him, his pace slowing down when his loads empties in you filling you up with his white sticky liquid.
He lay next to you , you were almost passed out.
You wake up and find the bed empty and look around you to find jaehyun already awake and dressed up
“I'll go to work, June is coming at 5 pm” he says, his tone neutral
“Oh..yeah okay” you say awkwardly and grab your jeans and shirt that you were wearing
“You looked good yesterday” he says
“Oh yeah all thanks to you the dress-”
“I mean naked.” He cuts you off, teasing you and his lips curl into a knowing smirk when he sees your flushed face.
your family has been pressuring you for months to bring your boyfriend, jaehyun, over for dinner, and you think it’s really sweet that they like him so much. the only problem is that your “boyfriend” jaehyun, hates you.
———————————————————————
[☆] PAIRING. ex!jaehyun x f!reader
[☆] GENRE. angst, smut, fluff | fake dating?, exes to ??? au
[☆] WC. 19.9k (i don’t even know)
[☆] WARNINGS. angst, reader has anxiety, mentions of anxiety attacks, fighting, reader be lying a lot, reader has a little sister, crying, reader is kind of a dumbass, explicit content (piv smut), unprotected sex (don’t do this gang!), fingering, sex in public kinda, pls lmk if i forgot anything!!
[☆] NOTES. i’m so fucking annoyed with tumblr it’s not letting me insert images properly UGH this took me over 2 hours to upload man 🗣️ im pretty proud of this one ‼️ idek how it got this long but it’s my longest fic yet and it’s been sitting in my drafts for ages until i finally got the inspo to write it :p i want jaehyun so bad it’s not even funny tbh but anyway PLS GIVE ME FEEDBACK/A REBLOG LITERALLY ANYTHING IS APPRECIATED <33
———————————————————————
six months.
you haven't seen this door in six months.
it's funny because, this was a door you used to push open and walk through every other day, yet now you stand on the opposite side of it, unsure as to whether you should even be thinking of knocking.
your hand is raised to the door, shaped like a fist but you make no move to actually knock. you were aware that you still had time to bail out of this, that you could turn on your heel and make your merry way back to your sad little house and go back to pretending you're happy with the choice you made six months ago.
or you could just do what you came all the way here to do.
the weather seems to be in your favour, at least. the sun shines radiantly, making the temperature warm, but not too warm, and a cool breeze travels through the air in short intervals. the summer had begun early, birds chirping in their habitual singsong way and wild bougainvillea already flowering in various shades of pink and lilac. usually when the day starts off with good weather, the rest of it follows suit, and thus your day is made better. hopefully, this is the case for you today.
pausing for a short, morale-boosting intake of air, you tighten your fist and knock, knock, knock on the mahogany door, immediately regretting your decision as you feel your stomach churn and plummet. a good ten seconds pass, and you hear no reply nor movement from the inside of the house, and part of you is relieved because that means he may not be home.
more than happy to do a 180° and skip along joyously back to the metro that would take you home, your feet begin to make for that trip but your mind decides against it. you know that you are being overly dramatic, but even with being aware of this, your heart rate does not slow down one bit. you also know that what you've come here to do is more than just selfish, its pathetic and rather embarrassing. it's also a hugely unsavoury request, and if your roles were reversed, you'd most definitely laugh in his face and shut the door.
finally somewhat making up your mind with a quiet groan, you raise your clenched fist and rap against his front door again in a set of three. you nervously shift your weight from your right to your left foot, then back to your right and then once again to your left, the anxiety and anticipation not allowing you to stand still and relax, thinking that if he doesn't answer this time, you really will just return home.
"hold on, i'm coming!", a hurried, muffled voice calls from inside the house and you don't think your heart has ever beaten this fast in your life. not even during the one time you ran a marathon to prove a point to your friend chenle, and while you did show him that you didn't only run to get away from spiders, your body took its own sweet time to recover from that.
now you hear footsteps approaching the door from the opposite side of it, and you don't think you can handle anymore of this tortuous, build up of a wait because you are quite literally one step away from calling it a day and just sprinting your way out of there, just like you did on the last few metres of the aforementioned marathon, and you know he's nearing the door because the footsteps are getting clearer and clearer, and soon he's going to open the door, take one look at you and just slam the door right in your face, but not before spewing verbal explosives at you, which would be totally deserved since he has every right to just spit on you and tell you how you're a terrible, downright horrible human being completely unworthy of forgiveness and-
"sorry for making you wait so long, i was-"
if your heart rate was at its maximum speed before, now it just stopped.
standing in front of you, in the flesh, was the man who's heart you broke six months ago.
jaehyun had just about opened his door in a way that his body was sticking halfway out of it, but he was now frozen in that position, neither in nor out, just stuck there looking like he was contemplating his next move. he adorned a loose, white shirt that clung to his defined shoulders and chest, paired with a pair of red plaid pants with a patch of some different material stitched just above where his knee was. you'd recognise those pants just about anywhere, having worn them a number of times and being the cause of that strange patch with mismatched material (you'd tried to balance a pot of steaming hot ramen on your knee in order to move something, resulting in it causing a burn in the pant).
his attire tells you that he was either just about to eat breakfast, in the process of eating breakfast, or about to finish breakfast; jaehyun was not an early riser and he liked to take his time getting ready for the day.
apart from his slightly changed hair, jaehyun looks the same as he did before, if not better. his once shorter, straight, brown hair, was now a darker kind of black and longer in a silky, mullet-y, layered sort of way, the mullet part stopping just above where his shirt met his neck and the front bits falling on to his face in thin, soft wisps.
everything about the man was captivating and entrancing, but if you had to pick a specific feature that really takes the cake, it would have to be his eyes. his eyes, deep-set and fierce, always gave the impression that he was cold or unapproachable, whereas in reality, he was the opposite. as striking as they may be, they always carried a certain warmth to them.
while they still held the same intensity to them, the warmth was missing as he looked straight at you now. after the brief moment of confusion when he first opened the door dissipated, the familiarity had sunk in, and his expression now was more or less unreadable, but you still tried to make out what he was thinking and feeling- was it shock? anger? maybe even disgust?
"okay, are you going to just stand there or are you going to say something?"
you think it was largely a combination of the last two. in all your fidgeting and gawking, you'd forgotten to actually speak to the man who's door you'd just knocked on, leaving him standing there wordless and confused, an eyebrow raised as he waited for you to open your mouth.
you try to do so, so many words wanting to tumble out your mouth but an invisible gate seems to block it, so now you're just stood still with your mouth opening and closing soundlessly, looking like an idiot.
c'mon y/n, fucking say something, anything-
"how have you been?", is what you decide to go with to break the silence in the end, an awkward smile plastered on to your face. you realise before the sentence is even fully out of your mouth that that would be a really weird thing to start off with, seeing as you and jaehyun have had absolutely zero contact for six months, and are obviously not on the most wonderful terms.
jaehyun's eyebrows furrow, a look of clear disbelief on his face as he clutches his door handle a little tighter. he looks away with a sarcastic smile, shaking his head before turning back to look you dead in the eye. oh, he's going to slam the door on you, you just know it-
"really? 'how have you been'?", he questions incredulously, licking his bottom lip while an exasperated smile plays at them. funnily enough, his response is somewhat relieving to your pitiful self, because you weren't even expecting to hear a reply to what you said, you figured he'd just walk away. you would've. "we haven't seen each for six months since we broke up and 'how have you been' is the best you've got?"
you wince apologetically and bite your lip, playing with your fingers nervously as he quite literally stares you down, irritation written all over his face.
he waits a couple more beats for you to break the tense silence and speak but you are inwardly (and outwardly) struggling to word your thoughts, so he simply scoffs and backs away to return inside.
"okay wait, i didn't tell my family that we broke up and they keep pressuring me to bring you home for the holidays, so i would really like if you'd pretend you don't hate me and come with me."
you don't even want to open your eyes to witness his reaction to your blurted little confession, so you merely stand, frozen in place with your eyes squeezed shut tightly. a couple seconds pass yet you don't hear a door slam, a good sign, so you take that as an affirmative to open your eyes.
he doesn't say anything, or do anything either really, he just leans against his doorframe with another indecipherable expression. this irks you even though you know you have no right to feel irked, but the fact that you once had the ability to know what he was thinking and now don't bothers you to the core. plus, it leaves you feeling unsure as to whether to continue. he might just start laughing at you manically or angrily tell you to get off his property like some bitter, 60-year-old man, and either of these scenarios would be completely fair of him to do.
the heavy realisation that your request sounded absolutely delusional and conceited dawns upon you, and something about his irksome expression makes you feel like you should keep talking. "you have literally every right to just tell me to fuck off, and i don't even expect an answer, i don't really know why i even came here, oh my god- this is so fucking stupid, i'm so fucking stupid and honestly i don't know why you're still standing here listening to me ramble-"
"i need to get ready then. give me ten minutes."
✧ ──────── ✧ ──────── ✧
the front door you're stood at now holds a very different ambience to the previous one. while jaehyun's was quiet and peaceful, the front door to your parents house reveals that the inside is just bustling with activity. the chorus of kate bush's 'running up that hill' plays faintly from behind the door, so you figured that your dad must have brought out his old record player from the dusty attic.
jaehyun stands beside you, hands shoved into the pockets of his light grey hoodie that you feel he must be boiling in, because you're wearing a black tank top with some loose cargoes that you think you might have drenched with sweat.
the sweat would be from the burning heat, but also from the agitation you're really starting to feel. there are so many different ways this dinner could go. what if jaehyun suddenly tells them the truth? then everyone in the room would hate you, and rightly so. you don't want to have to explain to your parents why you broke up with him; it's a stupid fucking reason, if you can even call it that, and it made you completely miserable. how were you supposed explain to your little sister that you and jaehyun aren't together anymore? you suppose relationships are a totally foreign concept to her young mind, but you were sure that she knew you and jaehyun loved each other very much. and you knew she loved jaehyun very much.
he does not look at you, instead choosing to really focus on the christmas themed welcome mat that your parents put out during the winter of '09 and never bothered to change. how he even agreed to come here with you, you don't know, but to say you're grateful would be an understatement.
"you still have time to back out, you know.", you mumble softly, trying to give him one more chance to escape, but he doesn't even spare you a glance, shaking his head and squinting at the door.
"let's just get this over with."
with a small sigh, your raise your hand to press your parents doorbell, the embarrassingly loud 'ding dong' ringing out from behind the door. "oh, that must be her!", you hear the muffled voice of your father speak from the inside, making a slight smile form on your lips.
within a couple seconds, you hear the sound of the muted metal bolt as your dad struggles to open the door to let you in. a grunt of "this damn door..." makes both you and jaehyun release short giggles, and you peek over at jaehyun to see his lips curl upwards into a smile, a small one but it's still breathtakingly pretty . he clears his throat and it's gone in a flash, but the image doesn't leave your mind, and you're still seeing it when your dad finally manages to open the door. "i really need to start using the new lock", he mutters, shifting his eyes to you with a big grin, leaving against the doorframe with his arms folded. "hello, sweetheart."
you chuckle and throw your arms around him, squeezing him a little as he laughs and pats your back in return. releasing you, he turns to jaehyun with a smile, who promptly sticks his hand out politely. "hello, mr. l/n, long time no see."
your dad ignores his hand, throwing his head back with a gruff laugh. "what's with all the formalities, come here, son.", and with that he gives jaehyun a hug as well, a slightly shorter one albeit, but a hug nonetheless. the word 'son' repeats in your mind like an echo, sounding more and more distorted the longer you focus on it. you can't even begin to think of what was going through jaehyun's mind. this was not your brightest idea.
you notice your mom waiting by the door with her hands behind her back, eyes bright and shiny. "hi, mom.", you beam, and she laughs cheerily, opening her arms for you to run into, which you do. she presses numerous kisses to the crown of your head, making you groan lightheartedly and try to escape her hold, but it only tightens. "oh, how i've missed you."
"i missed you too, mom.", you say but she's already let you go and is making a bee line for jaehyun with her arms open, who falls into the hug so readily and comfortably. "i may have missed you, y/n, but i missed jaehyun ten times more.", she jokes, pinching jaehyun's cheeks affectionately.
jaehyun is turning bright red, but he has a toothy grin on his face, a real one, you can tell. his eyes travel the front room where all of you are stood with a nostalgic smile, having not seen it or your parents in over six months. you watch as they look from the various photo frames hung up on the wall alongside the staircase, to the curtains that they recently changed, finally landing on the record player thay was sitting on the table. "wow, mr. l/n, where did you get this?", jaehyun asks, and you wonder whether he's trying to make conversation or if he's genuinely curious. you think it may be the second one.
while him and your dad engage in small talk about his record player, you turn to your mom to ask of the whereabouts of your little sister, and as if on cue, you hear an excited squeal from the top of the stairs. all four heads turn to see your sister bounding down the stairs hurriedly, paying no mind to your mom's strained shout of "careful!".
"y/n!", she piped, finally reaching the bottom of the stairs and running straight to you, wrapping her arms around your legs. she barely reaches your hip so her hug is really just her face pressed into your thigh with her arms squeezing your legs together, while you pat the top of her head.
somehow managing to pry her off of your legs, you kneel and give her a proper hug in return, now happy that you made the decision to come home for a bit of your holiday. she lets go and reaches into her pocket, pulling out a crumpled piece of paper and jutting her hand out to you, urging you to take it.
you smile and furrow your eyebrows with confusion but you take the paper anyway, opening it as carefully as you could so as to not tear it anywhere. smoothing it out flat on your knee, you're greeted with a drawing; two people stand holding hands under a deep blue sky, a large yellow sun shining in one corner along with some "birds" that are really just little 'v's scribbled in black. they're stood on a beach, at least you think they are because there are two shades of blue on the paper, one of them probably being the blue hue of the ocean.
you assume the two people are you and your sister, since one of them has shorter, shoulder length hair and is miniscule compared to the other person, who's hair length and height are similar to yours.
you hold the picture to your chest and pull your sister in for another heartfelt hug, kissing her temple. "is this us?", you ask her, pointing at the two people in the drawing. she gives you a proud nod in return, taking the picture from your hands and holding it in front of her face. "yup! the big girl is you and the small girl is me! we're gonna go swimming.", she informs you, flashing you the toothiest of smiles. "thank you, it's perfect.", you tell her, ruffling her hair a little as she hands you the drawing back.
she clearly doesn't appreciate that, because she whines and swats your hands away, but soon her eyes focus on something behind you and they enlarge, the second excited squeal of the day emerging from her lips. "jae!", she just about screams, completely abandoning you in favour of running off to jaehyun, who has a wide smile on his face and looks equally as happy as her. he scoops her up in his arms and lifts her in front of his face, doing a little spin as peals of laughter escape her.
he finally puts her down but she holds on to his hand, looking at the male with absolute adoration. "hi, cutie.", he boops her nose affectionately to which she giggles, turning to look at you. "you didn't tell me jaehyun was coming!"
"i wasn't sure if he could make it", you reply to her honestly, looking at jaehyun as you speak because only the two of you know what you really mean by that. he holds your eye contact for perhaps a millisecond longer than he did before, but again, it was gone in a flash. he clears his throat a little and straightens up, rocking back on his heels.
sensing a shift in the air but mistaking it for some form of awkwardness, your mother shoos the rest of your family away in the direction of the kitchen. "they probably want to freshen up together, let's let them do that."
once they're gone, it feels like you can finally release your breath, truly seeing this situation going wrong in so many ways. they don't suspect anything yet, but how much longer until they eventually connect the dots? or what if they don't even need to do that, because jaehyun only agreed so he could embarrass you by telling them the whole story? you don't acknowledge the tense silence until jaehyun speaks up. "can i use the guest bathroom? still the second door on the right, yeah?"
you don't respond immediately because you're processing the fact that he still remembers these minute details. you also realise he's only asking because he doesn't want to share your bathroom with you, and that clears your thoughts up a little. you nod in affirmation and he begins climbing up the stairs, and you wait until you hear he's reached the upstairs landing before you move.
it's so tense. the last time you were in this house with jaehyun, you had taken a short road trip to get there. you say road trip, but it was just a couple hours long, but the playlist you and jaehyun had curated said otherwise. you arrived at the house and everyone was all smiles, your parents just happy to have you home and happy to see him as well. you think that part's just as hard as thinking about the two of you together. the fact that your slightly judgemental parents adored him, your little sister looked at him with stars in her eyes– you had lucked out in every department, and you were always aware of it, the joint guilt you felt from breaking it off and lying to your parents really getting to you now.
you swore that after this was over, you would apologise to jaehyun and finally break the truth to your parents.
finishing off in the bathroom, you step out into the hall, only to bump straight into jaehyun. backing up awkwardly, you both try to get past each but keep going in the same direction, resulting in a bunch of 'sorry–'s and 'wait– just–'s being blurted out by the two of you. finally getting past you, he doesn't look back at you again, just walking down the stairs mumbling something about "they're waiting...".
wincing, you make your way down the stairs as well, arriving at the living room to see your mom standing beside your dad with an excited expression on her face. you approach with caution, noting that your dad has his hands behind his back. "so...", your mother starts, raising her shoulders a little out of anticipation. "since we haven't seen the two of you in a while...we got you some presents! nothing too grand but..."
"mom, it's not even christmas", you whine, ready to argue with them because you feel bad that whatever they got was still overpriced, but your mother shakes her head, urging your dad to reveal the presents. "just take a look first..."
in one hand he holds a small, white box, no bigger than his palm, and your mom picks it up, holding it out to you. the print on the box is small and typewriter-like, the material it's made out of just screaming fancy. you narrow your eyes at your parents but take the box in your hand anyway, pushing it open. inside, it reveals maybe the prettiest necklace you've seen; dainty and silver, the chain is simple but it's the pendant that's the real charm– it's an uncut stone of some kind, a pale, translucent white crystal that's pretty much shapeless but it's wrapped in this thin silver wire that forms little loops and hearts over the stone and it makes it so alluring.
"it's a seaglass necklace", your mom speaks, taking the necklace out of its box for you and inclining her head for you to turn around. you're now facing jaehyun, who looks curiously at the new piece of jewellery with the faintest of smiles on his face. pushing your hair to the side, your mother places the necklace around your neck and clasps it (though it takes her a while, squinting and looking at the necklace hook from every angle because she forgot to wear her reading glasses). she leads you to the mirror by the entrance of the hall so you could get a better look at the necklace hanging on top of your collarbones, reaching up to touch it. "you remember? from that lady who owned the fancy place by the beach last summer?"
you do remember. that was the first trip jaehyun had joined you and your family for, under the suggestion of your little sister. when you brought up the fact that jaehyun was going back home to see his parents a little later than he had anticipated, your sister immediately asked if he would want to come with all of you, who were heading to the beach in a day or two for a little family getaway. and much to your surprise, your parents were very warm to the idea of jaehyun accompanying the lot of you. he must have severely impressed them the first time he met them, bringing a bouquet of flowers for your mother and a hearty bottle of whiskey for your dad– it's like he had won their hearts before he had even stepped inside the house.
of course, he had met them a couple more times again after that, but your parents had never raised any issues about your then boyfriend. your dad had claimed that he wanted jaehyun to come along so he could "keep an eye on him" and "see how he treats you in front of us", but you knew all too well he just wanted someone to talk to about his interest in sound systems. the trip had gone so smoothly, so perfectly and you think that it had planted the seeds of doubt in your mind about your relationship.
the position of the window and sun allowed for the light to bleed on to half of your face, the necklace glinting under the rays as you stood in front of the mirror and surveyed it. the last couple drops of the golden hour sun slipped through the windowpane and painted your skin like it was a canvass and the necklace was the cherry on top. you were radiant, and the look in jaehyun's eyes told you that he knew it too. when your eyes meet in the mirror, it's like he tears his eyes away from you, forcing himself to look at his shoes.
snapping out of your soon-to-be miserable thoughts, you fix a smile on to your face so as to not seem ungrateful, turning to hug your mother. "i love it", and you really do, knowing that you wouldn't be wearing a single other piece of jewellery for the next couple months.
jaehyun stands in the doorway soundlessly, just taking in the scene. he had always told you that he wished his family was as close and tight-knit as yours, but due to his dad always being away on some business trip or another and his mother having her own job to attend to, it resulted in a lot of time spent by himself.
you think that might be way he slotted right in with the rest of you, from the very first meet, because his desire to belong worked very well with your family's lively, chaotic home, which welcomed him right away. this was the main reason why couldn’t bring yourself to tell your family that you had broken up him mercilessly. they wouldn’t blame you of course, but you know everyone would be immensely disappointed when they realised that he hadn’t even done anything wrong in the first place; he was so good to you, and they just wanted to see you happy.
while your mom cooed at how pretty the necklace looked on you, your dad faces jaehyun with a wide grin on his face. "you didn't think we'd forget about you, did you?"
he probably wasn't expecting anything for himself, because you weren't either, so you and jaehyun simultaneously furrow your eyebrows. "oh, mr. l/n, you didn't have to–", he starts but your father is quick to cut him off, waving his hands. "what nonsense. of course we had to get you something, it's no big deal", he tries to appear nonchalant but the smile that creeps on to his face is a telltale sign that it is, in fact, a big deal. "besides, if you're family to y/n, you're family to us."
it's as if someone just stuck a large knife into you, the pang you just felt in your stomach. you can't even begin to think about what must be going through jaehyun's head, because even he can't hide the way his eyes soften at your dad's words. watching your sister spring up from the couch, she runs behind your father and plucks whatever he was holding out of his hands, now revealed to be a medium-sized bag. "i wanna give it to jaehyun!", with that, she's running over to him with the toothiest smile plastered on her cheeks, holding the bag out to jaehyun with stretched arms.
he ruffles her hair just like you did, but she makes absolutely zero complaints as he does it– if anything she's revelling in it. this makes you want to scoff, but you smile instead without thinking about it, taking a couple steps away from the mirror and towards them. "are you gonna open it or should i take it back to the store?", your dad jokes and jaehyun chuckles quietly while you don't even bother forcing a laugh, and he takes the bag from your sister's hands, mumbling a soft 'thank you'.
from where you're standing, you can't see what's inside the bag, but you can see jaehyun's eyes widen when he looks inside and back up at everyone. "me and mrs. l/n, i can't take this."
"of course you can", your mother tuts in response, dismissing him with her hand. "if i recall correctly, you had said something about your airpods not working properly?"
realisation dawns on your face when jaehyun pulls the shiny headphones from the bag, turning them over in his hand. "i think i did mention it, yeah...", he nods, eyes scanning over the clear box he holds. you remember that only one of his airpods would function properly, the other deciding whenever it wanted to do its job. you didn't realise your parents remembered, as well. "but these are so expensive, i can't–"
"do you like them or not?", your dad asks, shrugging his shoulders. jaehyun's quick to nod, "yes, i love them but–"
"then end of story." your father's not hearing anyone out, even going so far as to cover his ears jokingly when jaehyun opens his mouth again. after your sister tugs on his pant leg and urges him to try them out, jaehyun slips them over his ears, whipping his phone to connect them to it. he thought it was too expensive to try fixing his airpods so he resorted to listening with just the one ear in, or using your headphones till you broke up.
by the look on his face, they work just fine, and he couldn't be happier. a wide smile is pressed on his face, a real one that doesn't even drop when he makes eye contact with you. you smile back at him slowly, but he doesn't look away immediately, slowly turning to look at your parents. "i don't know what to say. thank you."
you'd had a couple boyfriends before, not none as close to your family as jaehyun had been. none of your previous relationships had lasted very long and you could never pinpoint the exact reason why, you just knew at some point that you had to break it off. your mother always thought that this was a result of your first ever relationship, the first and last man that ever dumped you. it crushed you at the time, though you were able to power through, but since then, relationships were never your strong suit. change seemed promising when you met jaehyun through a mutual friend, however. he was kind, he was smart and he was genuine, three traits that you didn't typically see in guys you dated, but you didn't see any reason to dwell on your biggest fumble yet.
the rest of time until dinner continues in a steadfast manner with all of you sitting in the living room. the scene looked like something out of a corny movie montage, but the beautiful part of it was that it was reality, all the laughs, the eye-smiles, the stupid jokes and conversations, all of it. your parents had recently returned from a holiday together that they took to celebrate their wedding anniversary, which meant that you two deserved to look through all eight hundred and sixty two of the photos they took. super proud of the new projector he had ordered off amazon, your dad had connected his phone to it and was going through his gallery slideshow-style, with your mom making offhand comments about every other photo.
"that's from when we went on a date to this fancy restaurant, that's from the shoe store your dad wanted to go to...oh! that's when your dad just learnt how to take 0.5x pictures on his new phone!"
your mom speaks animatedly while each photo is being shown, pointing out various different things without any prompting. there were badly taken selfies of your parents that made both you and jaehyun laugh, pictures of the different kinds of food they ate, the said 0.5's of your mother taken from the top of her forehead– your dad was slapping his knee even though your mom wasn't too impressed.
after what seemed like years, they ran out of vacation pictures and moved on to pictures and videos taken during your little sister's talent show. this was especially endearing, because your normally high-energy sister was suddenly all shy and avoidant of eye contact in the presence of jaehyun, particularly displeased with a video of her singing on stage.
jaehyun wipes the pout right off her face however, poking her cheek with a smile. "you sound amazing, s/n", he pipes genuinely, and she's back to smiling again, even offering to sing the song for everyone towards the end. no one has the heart to turn down so innocent a request, so for the next couple minutes you are subjected to a very slightly off-key rendition of some song from the movie 'frozen'. everyone cheers when she is done, jaehyun even throwing in a little "whoo!" for good measure, and your sister performs a small curtsey before seating herself between you and jaehyun's legs.
you're situated on the same couch, but only so that things don't look weird. you invited him here to pose as your boyfriend, and he agreed, so you have to play the part too. that part wasn't as hard as you expected, the acting like a couple, no, it was the avoiding questions that was really getting to you. at some point in the conversation, your dad had congenially asked jaehyun when the next time he'd be coming home was. normally, he would congenially reply with something like "as soon as possible", but this time, he just froze. he appeared to attempt a reply, but was cut short at "uh–", the rest of the sentence never following through.
hoping to repair the awkward moment, you start to construct a fib. "jaehyun's been uh– you know, working at one of those um, nursing homes–", this is too out-of-the-box a reply even for jaehyun who turns to you, trying and failing to the hide incredulous look on his face.
"a nursing home? oh, i didn't know you were training to be a nurse!", your mother is surprised but definitely not disappointed, placing her hand on her chest with a sympathetic look on her face as she looks at jaehyun. he looks as if he's trying to speak to you using only his eyes, widening and squinting them at a rapid pace, tilting his head towards you so your parents don't see his expression. there are clear signs of confusion and you're aware he's questioning your decisions, but that's as far as you get with his eye signals and you let him know by shrugging and wincing, so he closes them while sighing inwardly and turns to face your parents, a fake smile stuck on his lips.
"yes! haha, funny story, this one...", he grits his teeth but furthers your stupid concoction of a story, snapping his fingers while trying to think. "i'm not really training to be a nurse, i just volunteer there sometimes. love being around old people, you know, makes me feel full of life–"
you cut him off before he can make this even worse for the both of you, taking in your mother's furrowed eyebrows and your dad's slightly opened mouth. "yes, well, it's hard for him to catch a break, you know, with all the...", you slap your hand over his knee and give it a little squeeze, turning to him with a grin while he smiles tightly back at you, eyes focusing on the hand on his thigh without changing his expression. "...hard work he does."
jaehyun's eyes don't leave your hand, seeing as this is the first act of skinship in six months, albeit casual. your hand feels so hot that you think you might be burning a hole through the material of jaehyun's jeans, finally ripping your hand off of him.
"of course...", your father trails off in confusion, and no one can seem to make head or tails of the situation. in a moment, your mother pauses before clapping her hands, seemingly already forgotten about the strange situation as she chimes "dinner in five!~". your sister scampers off with claims of helping your mother out in the kitchen (and probably to try and secure a spot close to you and jaehyun), and jaehyun stands up and heads to the cupboard containing all your placemats without out even being asked. you offer to help but he shakes his head, and you opt to go sit back down on one of the arm chairs facing the kitchen area, just observing.
this was one of jaehyun's qualities that made you fall in love with him, but also pissed you off to no end. first of all, didn't he ever get tired of just being so good all the time? second of all, why couldn't his own parents see what everyone else saw in him? and thirdly, why did you choose to ruin your life six months ago? as for the last one, you knew why, but the extent of your stupidity was real apparent to you now.
you look away when he meets your eyes and catches you, your heart beating fast when you see out of the corner of your eye that his gaze lingers for a moment or two. underneath all that hatred, was there still a small part of him that cared about you? after you broke up with him, over call that too, he attempted to call you back two or three times, but you couldn't bring yourself to pick up. out of fear or maybe even shame, you never answered his calls and since then, you'd had no contact.
it was impossible. with a break-up like that and six month's worth of time to sit and think about it, you imagine that one could hold a surprising amount of hatred for someone–especially after a relationship as real as yours. if you switched the roles, you think you wouldn't feel much different.
at your mom's signal, you heave yourself off the couch and to the dining table, seating yourself next to jaehyun (everyone expected you to sit with him, they left the chair empty on purpose). your sister has already claimed the spot opposite jaehyun and was patiently awaiting the vegetables that she knew your mother was going to pile on her plate, a little pout forming on her lips at the sight of broccoli. "you can't make that face every time, like i'm feeding you dog food", your mother scolds her with a smile, giving her a generous helping of veggies. the pout deepens and she folds her arms with a cross look on her face. "you guys don't have to eat the broccoli. why do i?"
she's got a point, you think, but before you can tell her to just eat them, jaehyun speaks. "that's exactly what my little cousin sungchan said...", jaehyun tells her, looking around the table with a dramatic sigh. "and we all know what happened to him..."
little cousin sungchan? as far as you know, there is no little cousin sungchan, and you know a lot about jaehyun's family, so you put your fork down in favour of listening to his story at the same time your sister curiously asks, "what happened?".
"well, like you, sungchan didn't like eating his veggies", starting off the story with a shrug under your mother's listening ears, he talks in a low voice. "he'd always argue with my aunt till one day, he refused to eat them.
your sister is knocking food around her plate while she listened to jaehyun, and she's not impressed with the story so far. "see! why can't i do that?", she asks indignantly, and your mother shoots jaehyun a look to which he winced and continues. "nothing happened for a while, so sungchan thought he had proved his point. but he hadn't heard of the veggie monster."
the story is heading in such a stupid direction that you almost laugh out loud, but you catch yourself when you notice your sister's expression, guarded and wary. "...the veggie monster? ...that's not real...", she speaks like she's not fully sure of her words herself, pausing her attack on her food.
"sungchan thought that too", jaehyun agrees, lowering his voice like one would when telling a scary story, looking around him like it could be listening before continuing, for the story's sake. "but he didn't know that without veggies, a child's body is weak. their bones don't grow strong, they stay small and their minds aren't sharp at all. that's how the veggie monster chooses his targets."
you hold back a snort at your sister's wide-eyed expression and how serious jaehyun looks, he's even got your dad attempting to look nonchalant as he followed the story. "the less veggies a kid eats, the weaker they get, and that's easy pickings for the veggie monster. he comes late at night, and there's no point in hiding because he knows. he can smell when a kid doesn't have enough vitamins and it makes him hungry."
with your sister, your parents and even you hanging on to every word, jaehyun lowers his voice to almost a whisper, and all of you lean in closer to listen. "legend has it that he looks so scary that you lose the ability to move or speak, so he just takes you. sungchan was never seen again. the police said he was missing but i knew what happened to him."
you have to admit, jaehyun can tell a story. the atmosphere felt more eerie as he concluded the story cryptically, but your sister looks positively gutted. "did he take him?", she questions, face white and voice small. he nods slowly, like he didn't want to be talking about this, and all you can think about is how this man deserved an award after the show he put on. "i had my suspicions. no one believed me, but i'm ninety-nine percent sure that at dinner, i saw a pair of dark, red eyes staring straight into the kitchen from the window."
as if nature was a paid fucking actor, a slight crash sounds from outside the window on cue, like if a cat knocked over a plastic bin, but you're pretty sure your sister shit her pants. you've never seen her shovel vegetables into her mouth at that kind of record speed before, even your parents are looking at her astounded. with her food in her mouth, she pleads with glazed eyes, "please– i'm sorry, i'll have my veggies, don't let him take me!"
it takes all of you a little while to convince your sister that she'd be completely fine if she ate all the veggies given to her and that the veggie monster wouldn't even think of her, but it's safe to say that she'd never leave a bit of stray carrot on her plate ever again. your mom comically mouths 'thank you' to jaehyun which makes you laugh, and you turn to smile at him, and he gives you a nod in return. small steps, you think, because a nod is a whole lot better than a glare.
the rest of the dinner continues as if nothing changed. sure, you and jaehyun knew things were different, but it didn't fully feel like it at the moment. your mom had prepared a lot of nice food for the occasion, and your dad even helped, particularly proud of the way his stir fry turned out. jaehyun made sure to compliment both your parents on their cooking, and they all but melted– he still knew exactly how to talk to them. conversation was easy; you talked about work, you talked about how university was going, you talked about the school play your sister was going to take part in, about jaehyun's parents, nothing was forced.
you'd fall into comfortable silences at times in favour of sitting back and observing, listening, just being a part of the moment. for someone who was so reluctant to be here, jaehyun seems comfortable, the familiarity of the situation helping ease the tension between the two of you. expecting some bumps along the way, you were rather pleased with how things were turning out, but you were also anticipating the end of the lovely evening– where you and jaehyun would eventually go your separate ways. you don't want to think about it just yet, not when everything was going so smoothly, and your opportunity to snap out of your thoughts is presented to you, just not in the way you would have liked.
your mother's question seems to have thrown jaehyun for a loop as well, because his eyebrows are furrowed and he looks blatantly confused. at some point during a lull in the conversation, your mother had politely asked jaehyun how his christmas in japan had gone; the only problem with this question was that he never had a christmas in japan, not to his knowledge anyway. this, was yet another lie you had told your parents, when they had asked why jaehyun hadn't accompanied you home to celebrate christmas, like he had originally planned to. unbeknownst to them, you had already broken up with him prior to the christmas holidays, so jaehyun wasn't exactly going to come along anyway. so, you told them that he had to spend christmas with an aunt in japan, for familial reasons.
you didn't exactly have time to prep jaehyun and give him a run down of every single lie he had to play along with, so he turns to you with a look of uncertainty and desperation in his eyes. "my, uh- christmas? in japan?", he puts emphasis on the two keywords, not blinking when he speaks directly to you in hopes that you would take the hint and help him out.
"yeah, your christmas. in japan. with your aunt", you reply to him with the same tone and expression as he does, trying your best to sound subtle so your parents don't catch on.
"yes, with your aunt! we were so sad to hear that you couldn't make it for christmas", your mother is unknowingly helping jaehyun catch up with the fake story, and he releases a short "ahh" during his moment of 'recollection'. "right, my real aunt who definitely lives in japan."
he grits his teeth when he talks, making you grimace and the fact that your parents look completely puzzled doesn't help. you need to save your dignity anyway, so you try to cut jaehyun off before he can make things worse. "haha, jaehyun of course she's your real aunt, silly", you awkwardly chuckle, feigning nonchalance when you bump his shoulder with your fist, wishing you could telepathically communicate with him right now, but you'd probably only be saying "please, please, please" on repeat.
he sighs but speaks up again, much to your relief. "it was slightly boring, my aunt doesn't do much", he laughs softly, fully back in character. "but you know, it's still nice to spend time with your family."
if your parents are suspicious, they don't say anything, seemingly satisfied with jaehyun's answer. dinner continues with few hitches until jaehyun insists that he washes the dishes. "it's the least i can do, after you both made such delicious food."
your mother at least tries to argue with him for a bit, but your dad is quite happy to not have to wash dishes, patting jaehyun on the back before standing up. what surprises you however, is jaehyun turning to you with the sweetest, most fake smile you've seen in a minute plastered on his face. "you mind helping, y/n?"
smiling tightly, you nod and begin clearing the table. this is done in silence, neither of you even looking at each other as you pick up dishes and carry them to the kitchen. your sister has run off to the living room to watch some t.v with your dad, and it feels like you're finally allowed to breathe when your mother exits the room as you’re picking up the last dirty dish. walking into the kitchen, jaehyun's back is facing you while he washes dishes, the environment and the little tune he's humming making everything seem so domestic in your eyes. this is how dinner used to always go when he came over, with you and him washing the dishes together in the end, taking breaks to splash each other with the soapy water or making out secretly by the counter.
but the air is foreign now, none of the former warmth or softness remaining. he turns to you with a frown when you place the final dish on the side of the sink, and he really doesn't look too happy. "visiting an aunt in japan? really?", he scoffs, looking incredulous while you look sheepish, avoiding his eye contact entirely.
you were expecting something like this but you hated being put on the spot. "i don't know, okay, what else was i supposed to say?", the exasperation in your voice is evident but it only fuels jaehyun, and rightfully so.
"i got an idea, how about 'oh, he can't come because i dumped his ass over call for no reason, sorry'?", he digs snidely, voice laden with scorn. there it is. "or is that too close to the truth for you?"
he doesn’t even let you open your mouth, chucking the cloth he was using to dry the dishes on the counter somewhere, folding his arms while he looks at you in a hostile way. “you wanna know how i really spent my christmas, y/n?”, he sneers sardonically, a sarcastic smile etched on to his lips. “alone in my house. miserable. i wish i had an aunt in fucking japan that i could’ve spent it with.”
you hate to admit it, but his words sting and you are well aware that you deserve it. just asking him to join you for this dinner was a huge reach, a request you really didn't expect him to accept. you don't fully understand why he did, though. he clearly despised you, so many be it was out of love for your family? you know jaehyun cared for them, but doing all this was uncharacteristic even for him. when you don't say anything but wear an agonised expression on your face, jaehyun further questions you.
"do you not have anything to say for yourself?", he tries again, his voice a little softer and more hopeful than before but you look like you're fighting some internal battle that doesn't involve him. he exhales deeply, clearly disappointed in your lack of an explanation and just walks past you and out of the kitchen.
you remain in the kitchen for a couple beats more, trying your level best to collect yourself. you can feel tears pricking the corners of your eyes and your breathing is quicker, but this is the absolute worst time to have a little panic attack in the kitchen. how you wished the two of you could just forget about everything for a minute so you could wrap your arms around his figure and fall into his embrace, feeling like that would solve all your problems. it's selfish and wrong, but you know that you're not getting over jaehyun anytime soon.
you'd come to that conclusion a couple months back. the first month after you broke things off with him was possibly the worst time of your life, struggling to eat, sleep or even get out of bed. your friends urged you to reach out to him like they knew you wanted to, but you remained stubborn, convinced at the time that you had made the right decision that would hurt the least for the both of you. you were wrong, you could see that now, but you knew it was much too late. you'd already gone through all the stages of grief, but seeing jaehyun again in this environment had really gone and thrown a spanner in the works for you, all because of your terrible decision-making skills.
any hopes you had of the two of you at least being on semi-friendly terms had just flown out the window as well, and you suddenly think that this might've been the reason why jaehyun even agreed to come. an explanation. a well-deserved one at that. you don't know why you find it so hard to give him one, but you suspect it's because you're not ready to face all that yourself.
upon hearing your mother faintly call out your name, you realise how long you've been standing in the kitchen, taking a couple more deep breaths before you join the rest of them. it's clear that everyone's winding down, your sister curled up on your dad's lap, trying to blink away her sleepiness, while everyone else mutedly watched the television. "didn't mean to keep you all up past your bedtime", you try to joke lightheartedly because your parents look like they're about to hit the hay themselves, but it's really so that no one suspects you were having a little breakdown in the kitchen; especially jaehyun.
"you're not wrong", your dad agrees gruffly, stretching a little before tapping on your sister's cheek to wake her, much to her displeasure. "it's technically your mama's turn to put you to bed, isn't it?", he attempts, but is quickly shot down by your mother, pinching his arm after claiming it was certainly not her turn. after their grand performance, both of them comically turn to look at you with a suspiciously bright look in their eyes. you don't even have time to argue, because the second the hint of a sigh leaves your mouth, they're saying "thank you" and "how nice of you to offer", urging your sister to wake up to let her know that you'll be tucking her in tonight.
she perks up a little at this, nodding with a little glint in her eyes. hopping off your dad's lap, she sleepily totters over to you. "can jae come too?", her voice is hopeful and small, and she yawns in the middle of her sentence but she just has this certain charm that makes everyone unable to say 'no' to her. this includes jaehyun, because one look from her with her arms raised and he's picking her up, pretending to complain about it. you can't help but smile at the whole interaction.
"oh quick! before i forget...", your mom gasps in remembrance, picking her phone up from the coffee table with a tired smile. "don't know when i'll get to see the two of you again so, pictures!"
this may be the only part you were slightly prepared for. your mother had a special affinity for taking photos; not that she was any good at it, she just enjoyed capturing these little moments and treating her gallery like a scrapbook. she had more or less documented the entirety of you and jaehyun's relationship, from the first few months where all the photos were cheesy smiles and awkward poses, to when you had grown more comfortable around each other. in fact, a photo she had taken of jaehyun was your wallpaper for quite some time (it took a lot of effort and explaining to help your mom airdrop you the picture)– it was a shot of jaehyun and your sister grinning from ear to ear, both adorning aprons that were covered in flour after a failed attempt at baking cookies.
the point being, you're pretty sure jaehyun was also expecting the pictures, so it didn't really surprise you when he plastered a smile on his face and came to stand beside you. his hand finds the small of your back soon enough and it makes your body stiffen while simultaneously sending a jolt through it, and jaehyun feels it. mistaking the action for uneasiness, he immediately lifts his warm hand off you so that it's now hovering awkwardly over your body, though no one can see that from the front. while you are disappointed, you lean into him anyway, clasping your hands together behind your back as you both give the camera wide smiles. you're so close you can smell his cologne and it's making you dizzy, not because the scent is overpowering but because it's just so familiar and you can't get enough of it.
the moment is gone in a flash because your mother takes three to four photos while cooing at the two of you before she decides to call it a night, and then jaehyun is ripping himself from you. you don't think anyone else recognises it, the way he seems to want to be as far from you as possible because he's so good at masking these things, but you can feel it. you can feel this heat radiating off of his body whenever he's near you and it's not the warm, fuzzy kind of heat. the spot on your back where his hand rested still burns a little.
your parents are exhausted and look more than happy to be able to jump straight into bed, but not before thanking you and jaehyun. you hug and kiss them goodnight, promising that your next visit will be sooner than this one before they exchange pleasantries with jaehyun, making him promise the same. you know this has to be hard on him, making a mental note to apologise profusely before you part ways. with a reminder that the door now locks from the inside, they bid you goodnight and goodbye, trudging off to their room while your sister scampers up the stairs to hers, suddenly full of life.
you understand why your parents were more than happy to hand over bedtime duties to you and your "boyfriend", because putting your little sister to bed turned out to be a piece of work. she started off by blatantly refusing to brush her teeth, but jaehyun had that one sorted when he reminded her that the veggie monster had a lot of friends, so that was done. she changed into her pyjamas all on her own which was a relief, but you were at a loss over how to actually get her into bed.
you both humoured her for a bit, understanding that she was just happy to have her big sister and her big sister's nice boyfriend home again, so a little excitement was expected. jaehyun played along with her, which was a sight to see, following along with the characters she assigned him in her imaginary games. but when bouncing on her bed turned into running around the room like a crazed bunny, it was a little harder to convince her that she needed to sleep now. "look at me, i'm wide awake", she insists, widening her eyes with her fingers to show you both just how awake she was. jaehyun tried a couple times to catch her, but you're both taken by surprise at her remarkable speed and agility. in the end, you had to resort to just sitting down and hoping that she'll tire herself out, which eventually does happen.
she climbs into bed of her own accord, rubbing at her eyes while you pull the duvet over her body, up to her shoulders. "when are you coming next?", she mumbles curiously while you sit on the edge of her bed, jaehyun standing close by. "soon", you reply honestly, knowing that you'll always have a safe place to come to whenever you need. "maybe i'll even stay for a whole weekend next time."
she likes the sound of this, smiling tiredly with her hands peeking over the edge of her cover, holding it closer to her. "will you come too?", this question is directed towards jaehyun, who looks defeated when he opens his mouth to answer. it's not fair, expecting him to lie to your family like this, but you know you've gotta come clean soon. you'd made up your mind at this point and come up with a plan; you'd explain yourself to jaehyun and apologise after which you'll go your separate ways, then you'll tell your family the truth after tonight, or at least make up a more recent break up, and that's that.
when jaehyun looks to you for help, you play with your hands a little, not fully knowing what to say. "if the old ladies at the nursing home let him go, maybe...", is what you decide is the safest option to go with, and your sister seems satisfied enough, giggling drowsily. you know she's close to falling asleep, and you're about to inwardly celebrate a job well done when she pops her next, unexpected question. "will you both be together forever?"
oh. there's a hint of teasing behind her voice, but everything else about the question is innocent and genuine, blinking her eyes open so she can look at the both of you when you answer. though you're not touching him, you can feel jaehyun stiffen next to you, his voice sounding more than a little awkward when he lets out an involuntary "uhh".
"what do you mean, cutie?"
you don't know why he asks that, because it's a pretty straightforward question; will the two of you be together forever? you want to laugh at the irony because you know that if she had asked the same question last time jaehyun came home, you both would have exchanged knowing smiles, giggling shyly while you tried to answer. the answer would've been 'yes', and you know deep down that it still should be.
she clicks her tongue like it's the most obvious and easy question in the world, shrugging her shoulders when she speaks. "you know, that's what people do when they're in love,", she answers with no hesitation, and you want to roll your eyes because who kidnapped your little sister and replaced her with dhar mann? "just like mommy and daddy!"
"daddy and mommy are married, sweetie, it's a little different–"
"i know that", she cuts off your little improvised answer in a deadpan voice that almost makes you feel stupid, but all her questions have your heart thudding against your rib cage, and you're praying to god that jaehyun can't hear it too. "but still, they love each other, and that's why they're together forever. don't you love each other?"
you're pretty sure the world stopped spinning and your heart stopped beating simultaneously, most definitely not expecting these kinds of questions from your sister. how do you even prepare an answer for this kind of situation? you know for a fact that your cheeks are coated in a dark sheen of red, and out of the corner of your eye (because you refuse to look at him), you’re pretty sure you can see the distinct pink colour paint the tips of jaehyun's ears, like they always do when he's shy or embarrassed. you can't not give her an answer, because that looks weird and she's clearly waiting for one, but answering meant that you either tell her the truth, that no, you will not be together forever because your dumbass went and ruined everything for the both of you six months ago, or you can lie and say that she's right, which would be admitting a lot of things that you didn't want to admit–
"nothing's for sure, but you're right, if two people really do love each other...", jaehyun's deep voice brings all your spiralling thoughts to a halt, and you look at him for the first time in a bit, only to find that he's already looking at you, gaze raw and piercing. you hold your breath when he speaks, because you don't trust yourself at the moment. "...they'll end up together forever."
you hear your sister make some kind of a reply, but the heartbeat in your ears is so loud that you don't quite catch it, the eye contact you're holding with jaehyun so intense that it feels wrong to look away. what could he have possibly meant by that? or was it just some half-assed answer to get your sister to go to sleep? you realise that staring at him while trying to use your sixth sense to nonverbally convey these questions to him isn't going to work, but you can feel the lump forming in your throat, needing to get out of this situation quickly.
it takes everything in you to break the eye contact in favour of pressing a quick peck to your sister's temple, and she looks about ten seconds away from just crashing. "night y/n, night jae...", and with that she's out like a light, and you two wait wordlessly until her breathing evens out before silently exiting the room.
once her bedroom door is shut, you make a beeline for the front door, way too scared and vulnerable right now to look at jaehyun. he doesn't say anything, so neither do you, making sure the door is actually locked before taking your phone out of your pocket. the time on your phone screen reads '11:43', and you know it's too late to try and catch the metro or a bus, but you're too stubborn and embarrassed to ask jaehyun to drop you.
the air is cold outside, much colder than it was inside your warm house. at the current moment, there is no breeze either, the trees are still and there are only a few lights on around the street, and it just makes everything seem so still and loud. you look out at the road, eyes zeroing in on this one lamp post where you shared one of your first few kisses with the man standing beside you. it's crazy how time can change things, you think, because never would you have believed in the moment that jaehyun called you "the most beautiful girl in the world" before leaning in to sweetly connect your lips that he could ever be something so close to a stranger within months.
ultimately opting to look at him, you're once again unable to read the expression on his face as you try your best to speak your mind to him. "um, i'm gonna book a cab, so you're officially free to go. thanks again for tonight, you really didn't have to come with me, so i owe you one. or i don't have to owe you one, because we're not going to see each other again- anything's good with me, just uh...thanks."
he waits patiently for you to finish, and aside from the slightest hint of amusement in his eyes, you're at a loss over what he's really thinking, but his face is so stupidly handsome that you're feeling angry and a little awkward, choosing to look around, and at the floor, playing with your fingers as you spoke.
"you're so dramatic y/n, i can drop you home, it's no big deal", he's already walking towards the road and biting his lip, and you can't tell whether it's out of habit or if he's trying to hide a smile, yet something tells you that it might be the latter.
"so you just let me say all that even though you were gonna offer to drop me? dude..."
the initial ten minutes of the drive are uncommunicative, both of you choosing to look at the dark road instead of acknowledging the awkward silence that was swallowing the car up whole. you don’t talk about your argument in the kitchen, you don’t make small talk about dinner, you don’t talk. you'd normally play some music in the background and you know that your phone is definitely still connected to his car's bluetooth, but somehow it just doesn't feel right– punishing yourself by sitting in this impenetrable silence should do you better.
the roads are more or less empty, save for the lone car or bike that speeds past you. jaehyun knows the way to your house from your parent's because of the amount of times you've driven back and forth, so you don't feel the need to tell him to turn right or to keep going down a certain road, making for even more silence.
part of you is still a little thankful that it isn't the most short drive, even though you aren't even speaking to each other. all it takes is picturing your empty house, devoid of the homely domestic feeling it used to carry when jaehyun was a frequent visitor. what would you even do when you got home? wallow in self-pity over your life choices? play 'sweet' by cigarettes after sex because it reminds you of him, then put on his hoodie that doesn't even smell like him anymore, just so you can curl up in bed and have a good cry while you reminisce? you're starting to think that maybe attempting to talk to him isn't the worst idea, at least it'll give you something to cry about later.
you're going crazy wracking your brain, trying to think of something to say that wouldn't make the atmosphere even more uneasy, but all you got was "hey, thanks again for coming" and "hey, sorry for breaking up with you, what's good though?". you can't even help the wince creeping on your face, finally choosing to go with the former before you have a heart attack and die in jaehyun's front seat.
"thanks again for agreeing to come", you start, absolutely hating the break in your voice from not talking for some time. "you really didn't have to do that. and for dropping me."
he offers you a quick nod in your general direction and fixes his eyes on the road ahead like he was zipping through a crowded highway, though you're sure there isn't a car in sight. "like i said, it's cool", is all you get in return, and you have to remind yourself that he has every right to be short with you.
but still, you try again. "and you don't have to worry about my parents", chewing on your bottom lip, you actually look at him this time, hoping it'll prompt him to do the same, but it doesn't. "i'm gonna tell them the truth."
he releases a short breath from his nose like he finds your statement funny, but continues to not really say anything, just nodding to indicate that he heard you. you subconsciously clench and unclench your jaw at that, because god, he's so fucking annoying, but you swear you don't mean to release the slightly irritated sigh that you do. if you hadn't seen his knuckles turning white from how hard he's gripping the steering wheel, you might not have known that your little sigh pissed him off, because you can't tell it from his face, save from the barely-there eyebrow twitch.
you don't know what it is about car rides with only one other person that make you feel so vulnerable, but you think paired with this kind of silence, you could potentially confess to murder in this setting. it's infuriating, how unresponsive he is, and part of you thinks you're jealous of the control he's exerting, because you're dead sure that if you were in his position, you'd have a fair amount to say. it must be satisfying for him in a way, watching you squirm like this out of guilt and discomfort, but you know in your heart that jaehyun simply isn't like that.
"look, jaehyun", your mouth is working faster than your brain, the silence proving to be too much for you to handle. "i know i fucked things up a bit. with how i ended it and everything..."
perhaps you should've taken a little more time to properly articulate your thoughts, because even jaehyun can't control the astounded scoff that slips out of his mouth. you yourself can't believe that you chose to deliver your words like that and it makes you sound so self-righteous, but they're out, and now you're bracing yourself to finally hear what jaehyun really has to say.
"fucked things up a bit? are you serious?", you can hear it in his voice that he's holding back, but he chooses to laugh in disbelief instead, which you think is actually worse than him straight up screaming at you. "y/n, you didn't even bother telling me in person. you dumped me over the fucking phone, saying it wasn't working."
you now kind of wish that you had just kept quiet and sat in his awkward car, and exchanged awkward niceties when you reach home, never to see him again. but this is your final chance at some form of redemption, and now that jaehyun was actually speaking his mind instead of giving you tight nods, you tried to explain yourself.
"jaehyun, i know, i just–"
"i called you a bunch of times. i tried to come see you and everything, but you went and changed your lock and all your friends were saying you didn't want to see me?"
there goes trying to explain yourself. so you sat and listened instead, and it was the least you could do. jaehyun's voice became more and more strained as he talked, the emotions he was feeling now a lot more evident. he was angry, but more importantly, he was confused, and sad.
"i just- i didn't know what went wrong, you know? we were completely fine as far as i knew", he continues on in a laboured way and he's not looking for you speak right now, so you don't. "fuck i- i thought we were in love."
the little laugh he lets out in between his words more or less breaks your heart, the whole scenario sounding all too familiar. those exact words were the last thing you'd heard from jaehyun before you fully and cruelly broke things off, letting him know the decision was final before cutting the call. you remember that day so clearly. you had meant to go see him and explain all this in person, that’s the whole reason you were in the car, but for some reason, you just couldn’t do it. you remember how much your hands were shaking as you waited for him to pick up the call, sitting in the car by yourself in the middle of your driveway. how long you sat and cried after you ended the call, tears falling until there weren't any left. how it began raining the very second you stepped out of your car to go back inside.
the weather was a funny thing, choosing to mirror your mood only when it saw fit. it was warm and sunny on the day you broke up with him, gentle breeze and wispy clouds all around. it was warm and sunny this morning, the weather ever so pleasant as you plucked up the courage to walk to his door. it was still unusually warm and sunny for the couple months following your break up, feeling sour as ever that the weather was so lovely and all you could do was sit in your room and feel sorry.
you took note of all these occasions because it always used to piss you off. though you shiver now in the car, you think it's kind of satisfying in a way, because the only two times your mood and the weather lined up was right after the break up, and the second you stepped outside your house with jaehyun; it feels like a premonition, or a revelation of sorts. the grey of the stormy sky matched the absolute devastation you felt after breaking up with him, rain pouring from the heavy clouds like they were crying for you. now, the cold, still air feels like baited breath, awaiting your next move.
"and nothing, i hear nothing from you for six fucking months until you're suddenly on my doorstep, asking me to pretend to be your boyfriend for a night. that's fucking insane!", he sounds a little wild now, very exasperated, but you figure it's probably better to just let him get it all out of his system, and you'd do good to listen to him as well. everything he's saying makes complete sense, all the emotions he dealt with akin to what you would've gone through had it been you in his place. "and you know what's more insane? i agreed. after all that, i agreed."
that’s the part you don’t understand. your heart is racing listening to him and you have so many thoughts swimming around in your head, it's difficult to filter them. you feel similar to how you felt back in the kitchen, although this time you can't take a minute by yourself to get over it. you absolutely refuse to cry in this moment, not wanting to seem like you're trying to victimise yourself when you are aware you're the problem. but you can feel your heart breaking all over again.
"why did you agree?", you physically can't raise your voice to louder than a whisper, the tension too thick to try and overpower it.
"why did you dump me?", he counters like a child, and while you were expecting the question, it still makes you freeze up a little. he huffs in annoyance when you don't say anything, inclining his head while he waits expectantly for you to answer. "you wanted to talk? let's talk, y/n. you don't get to just waltz back into my life like it's nothing. it's not fair," it's so cold, the way he says your name, but you try your best not to let it further shake you, mustering up the courage to finally speak. "it's so stupid, jaehyun."
he looks like he's about two seconds away from just combusting, the only sound piercing the cold air being the gentle hum of the engine. "don't you think i deserve to know?", he urges, voice edged with hurt and frustration. "i spent the whole day with you and your family, pretending like everything was happy and normal when it's not."
"i know, jaehyun-"
"then, tell me."
you shift uncomfortably in your seat, teeth toying with your bottom lip as you avoid looking at him. "i don't know," you murmur, your voice barely audible to yourself over the pounding of your heart.
"you don't know?", he repeats incredulously, his tone tinged with disbelief. "after everything, you don't know? don't lie to me, y/n."
your throat tightens as guilt washes over you, but you try to stand your ground. "i just... i couldn't do it anymore," you confess, voice trembling with emotion.
"couldn't do what?", he presses, his frustration mounting with each passing moment. you know he doesn't believe you, dead set on getting the answers he deserves. he's driving slowly now, allowing him to turn his head in your direction more often.
"this!", you exclaim but immediately recoil when you see the look of hurt flash in his eyes. "no! not this, i mean- me! it's my fault, you did nothing wrong." you're saying all the wrong things, but you're too overcome with emotion to attempt to form a coherent sentence. still, you know it's time that the truth came out, so you continue to explain with a heavy heart.
"i didn't mean to hurt you," you choke out, and your voice is so thick you have to swallow before you carry on. he looks indignant and rightfully so, but you go on before he can interrupt you again. "but i was so scared, jaehyun."
his expression softens at your state, replaced with a mixture of sadness and resignation. "scared of what?", he asks quietly, his words hanging heavy in the air. you feel the need to pause for a moment, hands balled into tight fists as you try to regulate your breathing. you really didn't take into account how debilitating the night would be on yourself. sure, you knew it was going to be tough seeing jaehyun again, especially if he agreed to pretend to be together, but you weren't really expecting to hash it out like this, the weight of your decision pressing down on your like a leaden blanket.
the car moves so slow it may as well be still but when you turn to him, you can feel the burn of jaehyun's gaze, his eyes searching for some semblance of understanding. "i loved you", he whispers, voice cracking with the intensity of his words. "i would've done anything for you."
you're still, you're so so still. tears threaten to spill from your eyes as you struggle to find the right words to say, but he's completely thrown you off. the car has slowed to a stop, engine idling before he eventually turns it off in favour of turning to you.
"that's exactly why," you reply weakly, your voice a fraction of the volume it normally is. he surveys you intently, his expression a mix of confusion and hurt, eyes reflecting the very same sadness you feel.
"what do you mean?"
"i was scared of hurting you," your confession does nothing to ease his confusion, but you can see he looks more shocked than anything now. "scared of hurting me?," he echoes, his uncertainty and disbelief palpable. "this is so ironic, it's almost funny..."
you think hearing any more of what he has to say is actually going to kill you internally, so you know you have to rush to explain before he starts giving you a piece of his mind again. "i know, it's so fucking stupid, jaehyun", your voice is trembling from the sheer guilt you feel, bottom lip quivering so much you have to bite it to get it to stop. "everything was going so perfectly, you were so perfect, and it scared me so much."
he falls silent, much to your relief, his expression even softening minutely as he processes your words and this gives you the encouragement to continue. "remember that night on the beach? on the trip last year?", you speak tentatively, wanting him to understand your thought process and the tangled mess of emotions swirling inside you at the time, though it's not much of a defense. the memory floods into your mind so vividly, and you can see it all; the salt in the air, the gentle breeze, the feeling of the sand, your intertwined hands swinging. it was so serene and you'd give anything to be there in that moment again, though it's nothing but a distant dream now.
he nods slowly without speaking, and you release a wet sort of laugh, feeling like you'd choke on the lump in your throat. "we talked about everything that night, our families, our childhoods, our futures...and then you brought up what would happen after we graduated college."
you know he remembers because his eyes light up with recognition and he looks like he's replaying that exact moment in his head, and you hope he remembers it with the same soft, gushy feeling you do. "you said you wanted to move in together, and don't get me wrong, i was thrilled, but it made me realise how...serious everything was, you know?", your voice catches in your throat and you're talking to yourself as much as you're talking to him and he seems to understand that, because he makes no attempt to stop you.
it's silent again for a bit as you two reminisce, but you break it again. "i just knew i was going to fuck up, jaehyun. maybe not right away, but eventually, and the thought terrified me," you sniffle a little, not being able to bring yourself to look up from your hands to meet his gaze. "that feeling never really went away, and it was eating me up from the inside. it got so bad that i had convinced myself that you were going to leave me, so i had to do it first, before i fucked up."
your sorrowful confession hangs in the air like an echo and you finally give in to the urge to look at him, and you're shocked– he looks at you so carefully, his expression soft, much, much softer than before. you couldn't stop the tears from finally falling if you tried , the soft glow of the dashboard illuminating the contours of your now wet face. your shared eye contact makes you feel nervous, but not in the way you were expecting– it's too gentle, too raw and it makes you feel a certain way.
"i know it's not an excuse," you're blubbering so much that your cheeks feel hot, you're practically falling apart in the passenger seat of jaehyun's car while he watches and lets you pour all your miseries out onto him. "you don't know how much i regretted it...but i thought i did the right thing. for the both of us. even though i just ended up doing what i was trying to avoid by hurting you."
it's too much now, jaehyun's too silent, and too not-angry for your liking; why is he looking at you in a way that makes you feel like he doesn't think you're the worst person in the world? you can't hold back the sob that's building in your chest, doubling over in favour of pressing your hands against your face and bawling into them. you're not too loud a cryer, but the tremors of emotion you feel are making your shoulders shake, so you're crying silently into your hands while trembling. however guarded he tries to be, the gentleness of his voice overpowers it as he speaks. "i know, shh...," he murmurs and you can't believe your ears, that the man you thought hated you is actually attempting to comfort you after everything. "breathe, y/n."
like it's second nature to him, his hand travels to your back as the sobs wrack through your body, immediately drawing soothing circles on to your covered skin with his thumb. you don't know how but this almost makes you feel worse, the fact that he's still so caring towards you. you pluck up the strength to lift your face from your moist hands, and you're sure it's not a pretty sight that greets him. your nose feels unbelievably stuffy, and your face is on fire when you meet his sympathetic eyes, the warmth from his gaze and hand spreading throughout you, even though he's now removed it. "i'm sorry," you manage through sniffles, but you think you almost flatline when he reaches his hand towards your face, ever so gently caressing it. his thumb juts out and sweeps across the skin under your eye, wiping away at the wetness. "i know."
"shh, it's okay. you're okay", he coos gently and slowly takes his hand back in favour of imitating slow breaths for you, helping you relax a little as you copy him. "why would you think i'd leave you?", he asks carefully once you've calmed down a bit and wiped your tear-streaked face, simply surveying you now. all you can offer him is a defeated shrug, attempting to collect your thoughts. "remember i told you about my ex? the very first one?"
he nods.
"i moved on obviously, like ages ago, but since then i think i've always had this idea that getting dumped is inevitable", you try to explain, voice small as he listens patiently. "it was either leave them or get left, and i was so scared that it would happen with you, that i'd fuck up so bad that you would leave. i couldn't do it."
he frowns and calls out your name in a way that sounds like he's about to lecture you, but you know he can't tell you anything that you haven't already told yourself. "i know, jae, it was so stupid, i know. i don't regret anything more", you sigh, giving him a tight, small smile when you lock eyes. "i'm sorry."
you notice his eyes soften at the nickname, releasing a quiet huff before he runs a hand through his hair. his body language doesn't carry the same anger it did before when he was ranting, now looking subdued and reflective. "i understand why you did what you did. it was stupid, but i understand", he murmurs, his voice impossibly soft when meeting your gaze, the eye contact so intense that you have to physically remind yourself not to cry again by digging your fingernails into your palms. "i would've never left you."
you nod slowly at his admission, his words hanging in the air. "i should've just talked to you...", you concluded in a sullen way and he doesn't reply in full, just mumbling a soft "yeah" under his breath. you don't mind the silence that fills the car this time, the underlying tension more or less dissipated, but you do notice the time, realising that jaehyun still needs to go back home after dropping you.
"should we, uh...", you gesture towards the road and he jumps up in his seat, as though he forgot that he was driving you somewhere in the first place, muttering "sorry" before twisting the key to start the car. this makes you let out an involuntary giggle and jaehyun shoots you a quick glare which immediately shuts you up, a certain warmth blooming in your chest when you see a small smile creep on to his face out of the corner of your eye.
it's quiet for a bit, jaehyun focusing on the road while you gaze out the window. much to your dismay, both the road and the various buildings and shops start to look a lot more familiar, indicating that you are nearing your home. you shouldn't be dismayed really, because this wasn't the most congenial of car rides, but it means that your time with jaehyun is coming to an end. you don't know what the conversation that took place means for you and him however, because unless you're alarmingly stupid, you feel that he may not hate you as much as he once did. does this mean you might even be able to see him again sometime? in a setting where you're not sweating and shaking at just the thought of seeing him?
you think it might be a bit audacious of you to ask that, so you don't. instead, you turn to him with a light grin, playing with the necklace clasped around your neck. "hey, at least you got some new headphones out of all of this", you joke lightheartedly, eyeing the package sitting on the backseat. he lets out a heartwarming chuckle at your comment, glancing at the bag through his rear view mirror. "i can't believe your parents bought that for me. you think they'll make me return it when they find out we aren't together?", he remarks, and you do your best to ignore the little pang you feel at the reminder of your situation. his comment does make you snort though, and you nod along with him. "nah, you need it more than anyone. your airpods have seen better days."
he laughs again, and you wouldn't believe that you two were arguing back and forth like madmen some twenty minutes back. this feels familiar and comfortable, and you cross your fingers in case you jinx it. "do you remember that time when we planned a picnic..." jaehyun begins, a sense of nostalgia shining through his cheeks. "and you forgot to bring the speakers? and we tried blasting music through my one airpod?"
you can't stop the peals of laughter that escape from your mouth as you nod, covering your mouth when your snort makes him laugh as well. "remind me why we didn't just play the music straight from your phone?", you question, replaying the memory in your mind like it was recent. he pauses to think for a moment, rubbing the back of his neck while he hums. "yeah, what the fuck? why didn't we just do that?"
you're laughing in unison as you take this trip down memory lane together, the next few minutes of the car ride consisting of exclamations of "oh! remember when..." and "that time when...", both of you adding on to the memories with your own perspectives and insights. the fact that the conclusion of your little dispute remains ambiguous doesn't bother you too much at the moment, happy to just enjoy the warm atmosphere while you can.
jaehyun's animatedly recounting a story about your sister downloading a game on his phone when you face him, and the last thing you remember paying attention to was that she had somehow managed to spend a large amount of his actual money on it. your eyes are focused on him now, just studying him, and he seems to realise that you aren't listening to his story when he glances at you.
"what?", he questions, the corner of his eyes crinkling when he narrows them at you in an playful manner, taking one hand off the steering wheel to drum absentmindedly on his thigh. "nothing, i just...", you trail off, scanning his features. "you changed your hair. it's...nice. i wanted to tell you that earlier."
he clearly wasn't expecting the compliment, mouth opening and then closing as he tries to think of an admissible reply. "you like it?", he then asks, a shy smile tugging at his lips when he consciously cards his fingers through the longer bit at the back. at your reaffirming nod and heavy gaze, the expected pink sheen dusts his cheeks and though you can't see them, you know the tips of his ears are pink too. he mumbles something of a timid "thank you", both of you smiling like idiots while he trains his eyes on the road.
not too soon after, his car is pulling into your dark driveway. you can't help the sinking feeling in your chest, lips curved slightly downwards. none of the lights are on, save for the streetlight, illuminating the street in a ghostly, dim way. your house looks just like it had for the past many months, gloomy and lonely, and you're absolutely dreading the idea of moping around once again. if this day spent with jaehyun has showed you anything, it's that you're a 100% sure you've not moved on, and that you won't for a long, long time. simply put, you're still in love with him, and you'll have to carry the cross of your mistake for some time to come.
he switches the ignition off but neither of you move. you're sat in your dull driveway on an otherwise empty street, all the other lights of your neighbouring houses off. neither of you say anything, mostly because you're not sure what one is supposed to say in this situation, so everything is still.
"so–"
"well–"
you let out a nervous chuckle while he smiles a bit, both of you mumbling apologies for interrupting each other. "you go first", jaehyun compels you, but now you don't know what to say because you were just going to make it up as you speak. your mouth has a way of working faster than your brain sometimes, but neither seem to be too functional at the present moment. "no, you go", is all you got, and jaehyun has the nerve to roll his eyes, twisting in his seat a little so he's facing you.
"i was just going to say that we uh, reached your place", he claims in a deadpanned manner, but your car door is still locked and your seatbelt is still locked in. you think you must have lost your mind, hoping that he'd tell you to stay with him forever and never leave (which you would have agreed to in a heartbeat). "i guess we have...", you nod, looking out the window and observing your home. maybe it was the dread of going back to your old routine that gave you the sudden boost of confidence, but you realise he never answered your question from before.
"jaehyun...", you begin but falter when you think you might be overstepping, ultimately deciding to just ask anyway when he looks at you expectantly. "why did you agree to come today? we both know you didn't have to."
he looks like he was dreading the very question you asked for some time, shutting his eyes when he leans his head back against the headrest and sighs. "i don't know", is the answer he gives you, voice muffled through the palms of his hands that are rubbing his face tiredly. biting your lip, you have to hold back a similar sigh because you should've known he's not going to just tell you like that. you have no right to press, but yet you do, one more time. "jaehyun, please?"
maybe it's because you sound so meek, but he drops his hands in favour of looking at you, really looking at you, like he's searching your eyes. "why do you think?", he turns it back on you, but you know this is just his way of avoiding the question. "if i knew, i wouldn't be asking. i know you don't have to tell me, you don't owe me a single thing, i just–", you speak desperately with all of the confidence you can muster, worried that your bottom lip would start trembling again. "please, i need to know."
you're looking each other dead in the eye, and while your voice isn't strong, it's honest and raw, and jaehyun can sense that. you can see that there's a million thoughts running in his mind just by the pained look in his eye and your own heartbeat has picked up, the sound deafening in your ears.
"if you haven't figured it out by now, i don't know what to tell you."
thud. thud. thud. you wonder if he can hear your heartbeat over the sound of his, but the blood pumping through your veins is making your ears ring, because what did he mean by that? you hope it means what you want it to mean, but you can't just assume you know everything because you're delusional at this point. "jaehyun, what are you sayi–"
"i agreed because i'm still in love with you."
there it is. the silence after his confession is positively deafening, your mouth agape as your try to register what you just heard. your eyes flicker between his, searching for any signs that he's just messing you and that it's some cruel joke, though it would be completely in his right to fuck with you if he wanted. he's never looked more vulnerable, eyes trained on you in an almost frantic way, like he himself can't believe what he just said. the way he just blurted it out makes you think that he didn't fully mean to admit that, but it's out, nothing he could do to take it back.
"what?", your own voice sounds like an echo and you wish you had something else to say because you heard him loud and clear, but there's a burning ache in your chest that claws all the way up to your throat. the shock is evident in your voice, not knowing what to do with yourself as you visibly process his words. "tell me you're joking", you plead in a pained way, words barely above a whisper. he doesn't say anything, looking lost in his own thoughts as his eyes scan your face. "you don't hate me?"
"hate you?", he scoffs disconsolately, shaking his head slowly. "i couldn't hate you if i tried. and believe me, i tried."
you can hardly believe your ears. you know your heart shouldn't be pounding the way it is, it feels wrong almost for you to be feeling as relieved as you are. "after everything?", you insist dumbfoundedly, but the longing in your voice is palpable, even if you're trying to give him a way out. "i was so horrible to you, jaehyun." you hate the way your voice cracks, but jaehyun just sighs and offers you a sad smile.
"there's nothing you could do to make me hate you."
it's heartbreaking, how defeated he sounds, but he's also looking at you like you could do no wrong in his eyes. "i never moved on", you whisper, hesitance clear as you tell him the truth. "i couldn't delete any of our pictures, i still have all your clothes, sometimes i accidentally set the table for two when it's just me..."
he's blinking quickly, and if you didn't know any better, you'd say he was trying to hold back tears. your break-up did nothing but cause immense amounts of pain for the both of you, and you'd give anything in the world to make up the time lost. his wide-eyed and nearly motionless expression urges you to continue, ready to pour out your heart to the man you loved.
"i still have your number memorised", your face mirrors his, voice growing stronger by the minute. "all the gifts and letters you've ever given me, they're all still there in that shoebox in my cupboard."
"i thought about you everyday", his whisper is raspy, speaking right after you do. "every party i went to, i looked for you even though i knew you wouldn't be there. you know johnny tried setting me up with people?"
you try to suppress the little sting, but you feel it deep inside you. "he did?", you have to clear your throat, and you almost don't want to ask but you do anyway. he releases a sad little chuckle and nods, toying with his fingers. "yeah. i knew i was doomed when the whole date, i wished she was you."
the smile finds its way on to your face against your will, feeling that familiar lump make its way to your throat. "she could've made you happy, jae", you argue anyway because at the end of the day, you want the best for him, and you know you're far from the best.
"no one could make me feel the way you do, y/n", he replied honestly, and there's a sense of finality to his words, like he'd had this same argument with himself time and time again, only to come to this conclusion. “the thought of anyone else touching you made me sick”, he croaked, not missing the way his eyes ghost over your frame.
his words bring about a noticeable shift in the air, followed by silence. he watches you, and you watch him, breathing slow as your eyes dart across his face.”i don’t want anyone but you”, you confess slowly, and a few beats pass before you find it in you to speak again. "i love you, jaehyun."
silence.
you expected disapproval, maybe even a malicious scoff, but you certainly weren't expecting to feel a soft pair of lips against yours as he suddenly lurches forward.
you're stunned, so stunned that you don't even reciprocate the kiss, lips unmoving against his. it's only when he takes this as a sign of discomfort and breaks the kiss that you find yourself reacting, hands immediately making their way to caress his cheeks, leaning forward to chase his lips and close the distance between you. he lets out a sound of surprise against your lips but kisses you back right away, a hand wrapping around your neck from the back, tangling itself in your hair. the kiss is heated and so long overdue, tangible through the way his lips meld furiously together with yours, teeth clashing every now and then.
your hands make their way to his broad shoulders, one wrapping around them while the other comes to rest on his chest, gripping the material of his hoodie. you have the urge to be impossibly close to him, trying to lean forward to kiss him more fully but you're restricted by your seatbelt. it's almost as if he can read your mind, because the hand placed against your face now moves to press on the buckle to release you without breaking the kiss. "fucking seatbelt...", he mumbles disgruntedly against your lips, fiddling with the button until you hear it click, finally separating yourself from him to slip it over you. "there we go."
you don't stay separated for long because jaehyun uses the hand behind your head to pull you towards him again, capturing your lips in a way that makes all the air leave your lungs. "come here", he grunts, using his long arms to pull you clumsily over the gearshift and straight on to his lap. you settle yourself in to the somewhat awkward position in the enclosed space, but that's the last thing on your mind when all your thoughts consist of jaehyun, jaehyun, jaehyun. his lips are back on yours in a instance, tongue sweeping across your bottom lip messily and you gladly allow it to explore your mouth.
the air is impossibly thick, heavily contrasting to the cold weather outside the car, even his lips and hands feel warm against your hot body. you feel his hands grip your waist easily in this position, lips leaving your own to drag across the expanse of your jaw. you whine quietly at the feeling of his mouth sucking a particular spot on your neck, tilting your head back as you wrap your arms around his neck. "missed this", he muses, tongue peeking out to kitten lick at your neck, breath hot against your sensitive skin. "missed you."
the feeling in your chest when his hands find their way under your shirt and on to your bare skin is inexplicable, unable to stop the soft moan from tumbling from your lips when his big hands glide over your stomach, back and finally your breasts. everything about the way he's touching you and kissing you is greedy and urgent, like he's afraid you'll disappear from his arms if he loosens his grip even by a little bit. you'd be a fool to not match this energy, pressing into him while you squeeze your hands over his. "need you so bad, jae."
you're subconsciously grinding down against him needily, hips stuttering against his lap like you've never been touched before. "fuck", your eyes widen at the groan that leaves his throat, sounding absolutely guttural as he grips the skin of your hip harshly.
he's barely done anything and you're coming undone right in front of his watchful eyes, your panties dampening at the look on his face. "jae..", you whine when his fingers dip past the waistband of your pants, gently cupping your clothed core as you rut against it. "shit, baby", he marvels at the stickiness of your panties, feeling your wetness on his fingers just through the material. "you really missed me, huh?"
you don't even have the time to respond to his cocky remark before his fingers are slipping beneath the band of your panties to circle your clit, spreading the wetness around your folds. a breathy sigh escapes your lips, throwing your head back as he experimentally prods at your entrance and eventually slips a finger inside. "still so tight for me", he all but groans, pumping his finger in and out of you languidly, drinking in the sounds of your pleasure. he feels so blissfully familiar, and though you haven't been touched by him, or anyone for that matter for months, the stretch of his second finger feels the same kind of intimate as it did before, if not more.
you lean forward and press your lips against his once again, kissing him like you might never get the chance to again, all while you're grinding back down on his hand that's fingering you steadily with a thumb circling your clit at the same time. his free hand moves to bunch your top up above your breasts, peppering kisses over the tops of them. he wastes no time in pulling your breasts free from from their cups, attaching his lips to one nipple and swirling his tongue around it in a way that makes you cry out. "my pretty girl", he mumbles almost to himself while cupping your other breast, making a show out of it as his tongue flicks over your hardened bud over and over until your arching your back and pressing it further into his face. “thought about this all the time.”
keeping in mind that you're still technically in a public place, you bite your lip to contain the sounds of your pleasure, though jaehyun doesn't make it easy when he notices this and increases the pace of his fingers. the hand fondling your breast leaves it unattended for a moment to release your bottom lip from your teeth, smoothing his thumb over the swollen skin. "i've waited months to hear these sounds. let me hear you, baby", he all but purrs and that's all it takes for a moan to tumble out of your mouth, pressing your forehead against the side of his face while you screw your eyes shut out of pleasure.
with his attack on your sensitive buds and his fingers pistoning inside of you, you know you aren't going to last long. "already?", jaehyun chides with a small smirk, and it's embarrassing how well he knows your body, grazing his teeth against your nipple in a way that feels painful and heavenly at the same time. you can feel his rock hard bulge against you, and with the untimely grinding of your hips against him, you're sure this is torturous for him. "don't wanna come like this", you whine against his cheek, your entire body feeling sticky from the heat inside the closed vehicle. your puckered lips leave wet kisses all over the expanse of his cheek, and the boyish giggle that leaves his mouth makes your heart flutter. "wanna feel you, jae."
his head is thrown back against the headrest and his eyes are shut tightly, jaw clenched as he slowly slips his fingers out of you. though you whine at the loss of contact and you're almost grinding against the air, you want nothing more than to make him feel good as well. "want you to fill me up", you coo at him, softly linking your hands behind his neck as you test the waters with your words. it's clear they have an effect on him, both hands placed on your hips as he helps you lazily grind against his erection. "don't– have a condom", he grits out, hips bucking up to meet yours. "don't need one", you murmured immediately, knowing he wants this as bad as you do.
his eyes flicker open at that, one hand leaving your hip to brush some stray hairs away from your face, gently tucking some behind your ear. you could melt at the way he's looking at you, so tender and loving, a warmth spreading all over you until you feel like you have to look away. he doesn't let you however, hand quickly coming you to cup your cheek before leaning in place a small peck against your lips. "are you sure?", he sounds breathless, but still firm as his eyes glance between yours like he's reading them.
if he can read them, he'll know that you can't nod fast enough, dragging your hips across his needily to show him. "i'm sure. i want you, jae.", you're so needy that you don't even bother to take your pants or panties off fully, fingers fumbling with the waistband as you shimmy them down a little, leaving your underwear on. you swear your mouth waters when he unbuttons his pants and lets his cock spring out against his stomach, lustful eyes taking in the way he keeps his shirt up with his teeth. if this weren't such an awkward position, you'd have taken him in your mouth in an instant, knowing exactly what to do to hear the man in front of you whimper.
nudging your panties to the side, he focuses on collecting your wetness all over the tip of his dick, hissing at the contact. "please", you whine, not wanting to waste another moment, finally sighing in relief when he begins to press his cock inside you. he swears under his breath at the feeling, and you're feeling so stretched out just from him slipping it in even though you're still so wet that you just go lax in his arms until he bottoms out. "that's it", he grunts like he's holding back. "taking me so well, angel."
you preen at his praise, finally beginning to move your hips a little at his coaxing. sighing against the shell of his ear, he picks up the pace for you, not warning you before thrusting upwards to meet your movements with a groan. you can feel your mind going blank at the sensation, your moans sounding more like cries whenever he snaps his hips into yours, the obscene sounds filling the car. you're just so full, his hands gliding up and down your sides as he fucks deep inside you, making up for all the lost time. "you feel so good, baby", he barely gets his words out, but it gives you the encouragement to bounce up and down on his thick cock a little faster than before, his eyes widening at the feeling. "just like that."
he's kissing and sucking all over your neck again, lips ghosting over whatever skin he can reach and it's all so much, feeling a single tear stream down your face. he almost slows down for a second when he feels the tear drop on to his own face, eyebrows raised in surprise because he thinks he's hurting you, but he's even more shocked when you let out the high-pitched whine. "what's wrong, angel?", he mumbles into your neck, peering up at you carefully. you shake your head profusely, continuing to grind down on his cock. "i just- just love you so much, jae", you blabber incoherently, so wet that you're practically gushing around his dick.
"aw, baby", he shushes you sweetly, pressing his forehead against yours as his thrusts become more and more erratic. "i'm here. not going anywhere." the coil in your stomach is tightening and you can feel every inch of him inside you, more tears threatening to spill from your eyes before he's kissing them away. "i'm here."
he's hitting all the right spots inside you in this position, and he's basically doing all the work because you're like putty in his strong arms, all you can do is moan and cry out against him weakly. "i'm close", you warn him, but you know he already knows that, and you know he is too, slipping your hand down to where his rests on your hip and interlacing your fingers. "me too, pretty", he sputters through his teeth, giving your hand a tight squeeze as you start to come undone. “want you to cum. can you do that for me?”
"oh my god", you're crying out as you cum around his cock, body and mind going numb and ears ringing as the coil finally snaps. "cum inside me, jae, please", his eyes go wide at the way you're begging him, and he doesn't look like he can hold back much longer. "fuck angel, you- you sure–"
"yes, please, need you to fill me up", you cut him off, too sensitive from the way he's helping you ride out your high to move anymore. with a few more sloppy thrusts, his cock is twitching inside you before you lets out a guttural groan, his warm cum filling you up. you go limp against him, face nuzzled into the crook of his neck as the both of you try to regulate your heartbeats.
the sounds of your heavy breathing fills up the car along with jaehyun's soft murmurs of "so perfect" and "did so well for me". any doubts you had in your mind of this being a mistake in jaehyun's eyes are wiped away when he begins petting your head, gently smoothing your messy hair as he presses firm kisses to your head. his cock softens inside of you but he makes no move to pull out, wrapping his arms around your waist while you do the same around his neck, simply sitting in each other's presence silently.
you struggle but finally pick yourself up, gazing at his moonlit face from your place on his lap. “you okay? was that okay?”, he murmurs softly, his voice thick and eyes hazy as he traces little shapes on your back. “more than okay”, you reply tiredly, pressing your lips against his once again because you feel you’re in a dream-like state right now. you're sure he's the most beautiful man you're ever had the privilege of looking at, feeling incredibly vulnerable when you speak again even though he's looking at you with nothing but love in his eyes. "now what?", you question, suddenly feeling like you've jumped the gun when he opens his mouth to say something but stays silent. "never mind, don't answer that, we'll talk about it later", you shake your head, laughing a little breathlessly when he grins at you, pecking his forehead sweetly.
you look away from him and at your lifeless house, mouth working faster than your brain once again. "would you...want to come in?", you wince, feeling kind of stupid for asking but meaning it anyway. you're both comforted and thrilled when a large grin is plastered on to his face, feeling like maybe your home won't be as lifeless anymore.
warnings: mentions of drinking, angst, fluff, i never know what to put here sorry, miscommunication if that bugs you, unrequited love sort of
A/N: guys i hate writing.. why do i do it LMFAO anyways this is inspired by "cindy lou who" by sabrina carpenter.. love her downnn that song is so angsty its perfect. i started writing this when it was actually holiday season and im just like so sick of writing it and editing it i just need to publish it so merry christmas in summer i guess!
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“have you seen her before?”
the phone screen flipped towards me and my eyes caught the familiar username displayed on top.
haechanahceah
it was an instagram story of haechan at a house party with a girl under his arm. her red lipstick prominent from the flash of the camera, and if my eyes aren’t mistaken, i see a smear of the same shade on his lips. i ignore the familiar pinch in my chest and sudden warmth traveling across my cheeks. that sucks to see.
“huh,” is all i can mutter. “i didn’t know he was going out.”
minjeong turns her phone back to her and studies the photo closer. i can see her newly painted nails zooming in.
“i think i heard about johnny hosting a last minute thing… haechan didn’t tell you?” she doesn’t look at me, still focused on the picture, head tilted in confusion.
i shrug, trying to act like not knowing of his whereabouts is a normal thing. it’s not, by the way.
“he knew i was hanging out with you, maybe that’s why.”
minjeong immediately scoffs, locking her phone and putting it away. “fuck off. you know he doesn’t give a shit that you’re with me. you’re his go to drinking buddy. he whines like a puppy when you take shots without him.”
she laughs, but it’s half out of disgust.
“well, it looks like he has a new one, so…” i intend for that to pass as a lighthearted joke, but there’s a snappiness that escapes my mouth. i wince and she looks at me with a softness in her eyes.
“oh babe…” she scoots closer to me on her rug, putting her arms out in an obnoxious gesture to comfort me.
“donnnn’tttt…,” i groan. “it was a joke. i’m not hurt. put those things away.” i slap at her hands and she pouts, arms still up, not backing down.
“haechan is so…” minjeong sighs, resting her head on my shoulder.
“yeah. yeah, i know.”
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haechan and i are eating breakfast at our designated corner booth in the cafe between our two apartments. i can see the hungover drowsiness on his face. purple eye bags to match the purple splotches growing on his neck.
he’s chewing on his pancakes when i decide to ask, “so how was your night?” i flick at one of the hickeys on his neck and he flinches.
“heyyy!” he says through a mouthful of food, cheeks puffed out.
“what was i supposed to do?” i shrug, innocently. “it’s like this huge, ginormous, gigantic, red target that i just have to-“ i aim for my next flick and he grabs my wrist swiftly.
“okay, cool it.” he drops my hand and it plops into my lap.
i snicker at his nippy attitude, pinching his cheek to instigate further. “pouty boy was at johnny’s last night?”
haechan turns to look at me, throwing a lazy smirk. “you stalking me?” he says, earning me a groan.
i unlock my phone to show him my new prized lockscreen, an overexposed picture of two very drunk men smiling goofily. “you two idiots sent me a selfie last night.”
he hisses, nose scrunched up in distaste at the ridiculous picture of him and johnny. “not my best angle.”
“not sure if you have any,” i tease and haechan gives me a lopsided grin. “so who’s the lucky girl?”
“wouldn’t you like to know?” he counters, going in for another bite of my bacon. i let him take it.
“yeah, that’s why i asked,” i say with as much nonchalance as i could muster. i take my bacon strip back from his hands, even though there’s already not much left of it.
feeling bad, he cuts pieces of his pancake and puts them on my plate. i smile giddily, reaching for the syrup.
“her name’s lulu.” i pause mid syrup pour, not expecting him to have remembered her name. i clear my throat, recollecting myself, and continued to drench my food.
it’s not that haechan is this dumb boy who gets around a lot. he totally could be with the amount of attention he used to get in college. but he was always careful about how far he’d flirt with someone, which is impressive considering his naturally charming personality. most words that came out of his mouth sounded like a pick up line.
i could only recall one serious relationship from our college years, and that in itself only lasted three months. of course, i remember him dating, but that’s all it was- super casual attempts to form a lasting relationship that never really pulled through. he’d go on a couple dates every so often, but never bothered me with the details because the details never seemed to matter. it was actually kind of cold, how he had approached dating.
but now i have a name. he has a name.
“oh wow,” i respond. “is this lulu… the one?” i joke, but the question leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, even with all the sugar from his pancakes.
“god, i forgot i’m talking to you.” haechan winces.
“hey, what’s that supposed to mean!” i elbow him in the side.
“it means i’m talking to a delusional hopeless romantic.” and weirdly that puts me at ease, that must mean he’s not too serious about her right? but then again, why should i care? right?
“you say that like it’s a bad thing,” i roll my eyes.
he just shakes his head, chuckling. “i’ll probably see her again this week.”
“oh?” i look at his side profile, watching him casually tap his phone screen to check for notifications.
his lockscreen lights up and i’m reminded of our annual joint birthday party from earlier this year. it’s a picture of us with our shared cake, candles all lit, with our arms drunkenly wrapped tightly around the other. i remember our group of friends huddled around us, singing loudly and off tune. i’m looking at him as he’s looking at the camera and-
lulu texts.
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“there are my girls!”
a very intoxicated johnny starts running towards minjeong and i, beer can sloshing around his hand and onto the dirt lot. following behind him are the rest of the group, matching his lack of sobriety.
“aww, you started without us,” minjeong pouts, taking the drink from him. johnny doesn’t fight it, smiling down at her.
“you guys got here so late, you missed the first couple sets!” jaehyun appears next to me, giving me a side hug and hovers there. he’s definitely buzzed already. he offers me a sip of his drink, which i gladly take.
“couldn’t get an uber, we were fighting for our lives. oh my god, it was so bad.” i groaned, throwing back the can so i can quickly get on their level.
“should’ve just left work early and met up with us,” johnny tsks.
“i just had one more work call! i didn’t know it’d go for that long,” minjeong explains, her slumped figure showing how exhausted she was. regardless, her last minute festival outfit looked amazing.
i scan the group and my brain notices the missing brunette.
“where’s haechan?” i look to jaehyun. he juts his head out aimlessly to the crowd of festival people.
“getting another drink,” he says, head bobbing to the surrounding sounds.
“he better have gotten me one,” i start, looking for him, expecting two drinks to be in his hands.
and there he is, jogging towards us, with a cup and… a girl.
i tense up and jaehyun takes it as a cue to relax into me further, heavy arm around my shoulders. i’m about to tell his drunk ass to get off, when he gives me a knowing look. confused, i let him lean on me.
“took you guys long enough,” haechan quips, and the girl remains standing slightly behind him.
“tell me about it,” minjeong rolls her eyes. then she looks at the girl and then back at haechan and then back at the girl. the rest of the group is quiet waiting for haechan to introduce her to minjeong and i, but his lips stay shut, completely unaware.
“hi, i’m minjeong,” she abruptly breaks the silence. her hand is extended and the girl takes hers out of haechan’s to shake it.
“lulu, so nice to meet you,” she smiles so sweetly i can tell she means it.
“i'm y/n,” i cut in, just waving at her, not really able to move any closer. there’s no glimpse of recognition on her face. she just gives me a “hi” and a smile like i’m just another girl a part of the friend group. no big deal.
jaehyun hums, “so should we go see the next stage?”
“let’s,” i say, desperate to get going and out of this weird air. jaehyun leads the way, and i follow suit, trying to limit my haechan interactions. something in my chest just tells me i don’t want to be speaking to him right now.
unfortunately, he doesn’t know that so he’s catching up to me with lulu in tow.
“nice outfit, very 2024 of you,” haechan teases, flicking the seam of my reused skirt.
“kinda creepy that you remember i wore this to last year’s fest too…” i glare judgingly.
“you were complaining about how cold you were the entire time. how could i not?” he smirks. “ride was okay?”
“expensive, but okay,” i nodded, trying to act casual. “i’m sorry, lulu, right?”
said girl perks up from behind haechan and catches up to our pace. “yes, hi! sorry for crashing your guys’ plans. my friends bailed so… and then chanie asked and yeah!”
“oh chanie’s sweet like that,” i peer at haechan and his cheeks are pink at the sound of that nickname leaving my mouth.
“how do you guys know each other?” i ask innocently. haechan throws me a knowing look and lets lulu talk.
“we started seeing each other after johnny’s party,” lulu smiles, glancing at haechan. he matches her look, pulling her closer to his side.
wow.
“you guys are…,” i swallow the lump in my throat. “you look- really cute together!” i try to mimic their smiles, but nothing comes close to the lovesick grins on their faces.
“y/n.”
i follow the sound of my name, and jaehyun’s hand is extended towards me. i stare at it, confused, but also weirdly filled with relief for the distraction.
“there’s a gap in the crowd, i think we can squeeze to the front.”
without even checking in with haechan and lulu, i quickly grab his escape offer and he’s dragging me through the audience. i can suddenly smell the sweat and dirt of the desert, the sweet alcohol on people’s breaths. i feel myself getting queasy and i make the mistake of looking back as jaehyun moves me forward.
i get the perfect view of haechan and lulu kissing, swaying to the intro of the song. my feet finally stop and i run into jaehyun’s chest, his head is naturally far above mine and his eyes follow where i once looked.
“i’m sorry,” he sort of yells over the artist on stage.
“what for?” i yell back. he playfully pinches the redness on my cheeks (not from the sun) and rolls his eyes as if saying: you know what.
he just shakes his head and holds mine in his hands, almost cradling it.
“i-,” i try to turn back to look at them again and his hands cage me.
“don’t,” jaehyun stands firm. “you’ll just hurt yourself more.”
with my stomach churning a pain i’ve never experienced before, i nod. i’m so still, scared that that awful feeling will make its way up to my chest.
jaehyun pulls me into a brief hug, and turns his attention back to the stage, holding me from behind. i watch the people from my peripheral, lightly dancing to the music and i try so hard to do the same.
“just have fun,” jaehyun reminds me.
but everytime i blink, i see them kissing and it makes me want to puke.
⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
what r u doing tomorrowww?
i stare at my text from yesterday, as i sit on the couch in the dark, with an episode of “Love Island USA” luminating my face. minjeong had already called it a night, and was asleep in her room. i cringe whenever i let my eyes linger up to all the one sided messages above it and his scarce one word responses.
it’s been a couple months since i’d last hung out with haechan one on one. of course, i still saw him in group outings but he was always preoccupied with that one long haired girl and her signature red lip.
even then, he was never really present. at last week’s bowling night, he showed up halfway and played for two rounds before pleading defeat. haechan was never one to not be competitive, and yet he took lulu to the arcade area where they stayed — just the two of them — the rest of the night. when we all ordered ubers at the end of the night, the backseat was crammed with me, her, and all her newly won stuffed animals. there was also a suffocating thickness in those seats with us too, and i don’t think it was from the human sized teddy bear that weighed on my shoulder.
to torture myself even more, i let myself open my calls and it was embarrassing how many times his name showed up in unreturned calls. i went to delete all recent calls when a notification filled my screen: an incoming call from mama lee.
“hi honey, sorry to call so late! just wanted to check in on you!” my heart instantly warmed at the familiar twang in her voice that her and haechan seemed to share. i can hear her TV in the background playing the same show as me.
“hi mama lee! i’m great, tired, all of the above. how are you?” i finally let myself settle into the couch, realizing i had been tense this whole time waiting for a certain someone.
“i’m good, glad to hear you are too. what’s this about you not coming next month?” haechan’s mom asked, straight to the point, and suddenly i’m sat up again.
“next month…,” i mutter to myself, trying to recall what she could be referring to.
next month… next month… is december. their annual christmas party.
“oh! the christmas par-“ i start, excitement filling my body. it had become my favorite time of the year, thanks to him and his family.
“sweetie, haechan told me you aren’t coming. which i find unfair because how am i supposed to meet this new girl in his life without you there? i don’t know this girl!”
static fills my ear and i check the TV to see if the connection had gone off. but it was still on. nausea immediately fills my stomach as the combination of his months long lack of contact and this sudden news makes me feel dizzy. it’s like i can finally and physically feel the distance haechan forced between us that i was trying so hard to ignore.
i’m at a crossroads of whether to be honest or play along, because what does she mean haechan said i’m not going to a party i’ve gone to every year? to a party that never required an invitation? to a party i often skip my own family’s to go to?
“oh i… my mom, she, um,” i fumble over my words and i can feel water splat onto my thighs. i’m distraught trying to protect her peace as i can feel mine rapidly falling apart.
“sorry,” i softly laugh, trying to compose myself. i tilt my head up, hoping it’ll stop the sudden tears. “my mom really wants me home this season, so i can’t go this year.”
“aw honey, you don’t understand how sad i was to hear from him. why didn’t you tell me? i bought your favorite ham a month in advance like the crazy woman i am.” we laugh, but it does nothing to lighten the weight in my chest.
“ah. maybe haechan will save me some leftovers,” i say, but now doubt he will.
“okay, well, i’m glad your mom’s reaching out.” she says, and i can tell she means it. sucks knowing it’s not even true.
mama lee continues, “it’s getting late for me. i gotta sleep, but i wanna hear more from you soon, okay? you owe me.” her sweet voice pierced my heart, and i feel myself hiccupping again.
“yes, ma’am,” i manage to get out, and we say our good night’s and i love you’s.
then my screen goes back to those cursed text messages and i delete our entire chat.
⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
“he said what?” jaehyun’s eyes are as wide as i’ve ever seen them, fork suspended mid air. the egg falls from it, and comically splats onto the plate.
we’re at the same cafe i often frequent with haechan, but because i’m here with jaehyun, we’re eating at an ungodly early hour of the day. i had never seen this place at this time, but jaehyun is an extreme morning bird.
“i literally got uninvited from his family’s christmas party and i had to hear it from his mom.” i confess, surprised at how composed i sounded despite it being the most devastating news of my life. shockingly worse than finding out my parents were getting divorced back in high school. i saw it coming, but this? never in a million years.
“but you… you’ve always gone. his family is literally yours.” jaehyun’s confusion takes over his mouth, and i don’t think he realizes how much his obvious statement stung.
“i bought his siblings their gifts already too. i never thought i wouldn’t get the chance to exchange them?” i swirl the lukewarm coffee mug in my hands, not having the stomach to take a sip.
“this is fucked up. has he talked to you about it yet?”
“nope,” i pop my lips. “what makes you think he even has the time to?” i sneer, referring to a certain woman occupying all his time. i feel disgusting having these ill feelings towards her, despite her literally not being at fault.
jaehyun grimaces, and he instinctively gives my arm a squeeze. “doesn’t give him an excuse to be an asshole. he should’ve told you. but also, he shouldn’t have uninvited you in the first place? you’ve never not gone.”
i shrug, “maybe it was wrong of me to assume…”
“when you’ve gone every year since i’ve known you? you’ve gone more times than me and haechan and i are childhood neighbors. come on…” jaehyun plants the hard facts i’m unwilling to face, and i squirm in my seat. i take a sip of my coffee and feel it run down the sides of the knot in my throat, sickeningly bitter.
“it’s whatever. anyways, since you’re going home, do you mind giving his siblings their gifts for me? minjeong invited me to her home for the holidays instead.”
“sure, but-“
“oh hey, guys?”
jaehyun and i look up from our table, stunned to hear the voice of our drama calling us.
“haechan,” i only say, feeling awkward that we were just talking about him but also weird that this is the first i’ve seen him in weeks.
he’s carrying a takeout bag in his hand, dressed in clothes he definitely picked up off the floor. i could see the side of his head where his pillow messed up his brown, fluffy hair and the bags under his eyes that always signal late night gaming. he’s wearing a confused look on his face as he scans jaehyun and i.
we’re sitting in our designated booth and before i could let myself feel like i’m cheating on him, the sour reminder of our conversation takes over.
“take out?” jaehyun wonders.
haechan clears his throat, shaking him out of the weird daze he was in. “yeah, lu is waiting at home.”
at home. the air leaves my lungs just hearing that come out of him, and i realize that this is a feeling i really need to dissect. this cannot be just platonic jealousy, right? losing my best friend these past few months isn’t supposed to hurt this bad.
“got plans for next month? when are you heading home?” jaehyun goes straight for the kill, and i kick the side of his foot to stop him from prying. i don’t know if i want to hear his answers.
haechan’s eyes widen and he immediately looks at me. his hands tighten around the white plastic takeout bag. i can see his mind struggle to tell me something and the pained look on his face makes me want to save him the trouble. he begins to start and i just can’t bear it.
“minjeong’s taking me to hers this christmas,” i cut him off, filling him in on my newfound plans, that i really didn’t have a choice in making if i wanted to not spend the holidays alone. it hurts seeing the way his body relaxes, i can visibly see him fill with the relief of knowing i’m not going. my eyes naturally water, and i quickly dab them away.
“can you let your mom know i can’t come this year? i don’t know if i could tell her myself,” i shrug, mustering a close lipped smile. i can feel jaehyun’s disappointing glare burn into my face, or maybe it’s the sharp sting of his hand that just punched my thigh under the table.
“oh. oh! yeah, yeah, of course,” haechan forces sadness onto his facial features. “sorry to hear you can’t go, but holidays at minjeong’s sounds fun! we’ll miss you,” he starts to fidget with the bag now and his feet shift. he scratches the back of his left ear, a tell-tale sign that he’s uncomfortable… or feeling guilty.
“ah, but you always go to the lee holiday party?” jaehyun turns towards me, boldness flashing in his eyes as he dares me to address it.
“next time!” haechan quickly interjects. “don’t worry about it!”
“i’m not.” i state, point blank, and a new expression paints his face that i can’t decipher.
“we-well, lulu’s probably starving by now, so. i’ll see you guys later?” haechan rambles out, already taking steps away from us.
“maybe,” i shrug, feeling the iciness take over my body and make its way into my words.
“right,” haechan nods, stumbling as he leaves the cafe. i don’t bother watching him leave, starting to stab my food aggressively with my fork.
“i can’t believe he just did that,” jaehyun says in disbelief, but i’m so consumed with rage i can barely hear him.
⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
i get voicemails from haechan’s siblings on the morning of christmas, thanking me for the gifts, wondering why i’m not there, and most importantly, asking me who this lulu is and why she’s taken my spot. i make a mental note to call them back when i’m not downing mugs of minjeong’s dad’s strangely strong eggnog.
somehow the classical christmas music that had been playing on loop for the past two hours in minjeong’s living room had shifted to karaoke, and i can feel the alcohol hitting everyone all at once. the matching pajamas that her family forced me to wear started to feel too warm on my skin like it didn’t belong on me. i sat and watched her drunk uncle sing to a random Justin Bieber song and i catch myself thinking singing must not run in their family the way it does for haechan’s.
i itch to call him, but i know i shouldn’t. but the guilt of not even wishing him a merry christmas eats me up despite him having yet to do the same. i avoided mentioning him all day because i knew minjeong would say something, but now that she’s too preoccupied with her solo, i slip into her childhood room.
it feels like i’m walking on a moving boat as i cross her room to crash onto her bed. her popcorn ceiling spins in my vision and i groan at how out of body i feel.
my thumb is already clicking his contact before i could register it and my phone blinks, indicating he’s picked up.
“hello?” i hear him faintly on the other side, chatter quieting in the background. i put him on speaker and i hear him shut a door. the party sounds on his side are now muffled.
“hi haechan. merry christmas,” i don’t notice how sweet my voice sounds till a second later and my whole body cringes.
i hear him sigh, and i turn to my side, cradling my phone. “merry christmas.”
“how’sss… the party?” i ask, just trying to keep him on the line for as long as possible.
“crazy per usual. the kids say thank you for the gifts, i made sure they called you too. did you get them?” his voice is so clear and sober, i feel like a groggy mess talking to him. i want him to sound as messy as me. his words sting like ice with how composed he sounds.
“mhmmm,” i hum. “i’m glad, so so so glad.” i play with the frays of minjeong’s blanket between my fingers, starting to sing my words.
“sounds like you’re having fun,” haechan laughs under his breath. “we miss you here.”
that statement alone felt like an ice cold bucket of water dunked over my head. my vision suddenly cleared, the room stilled, and i felt like i could hear even a pin drop. how could he say that when he fought so hard to isolate me like this?
“is that so?” i test him.
“yeah, of course,” haechan starts. “you know it’s not the same without you.” i hear his bed creak and i know he’s sitting on the left corner where one of his bed slats has cracked. haechan used to volunteer to sleep on that side on the holiday weekends when i was over. he’d start on that side and in the middle of the night, i’d hear it creak as he rolled over to cuddle me. he’d apologize every time in the morning despite it never being an issue for me.
thinking of that memory being lost and forgotten hurt more than the fact that it could be replaced by another person right now.
i sit up, ignoring the spinning of my head. “is that what you told your mom?” my voice sounded sterner than i thought it could at this level of toxicity.
he’s silent on his end. i give him a couple seconds to see if he’d confess.
“you know she actually called me a month ago. said you told her i wasn’t coming.” i continued. he’s still quiet and it’s so pathetic.
“i had to lie to her, haechan,” i hiccup, tasting salt in my mouth that wasn’t there before. “i told her that my mom reached out to me which was probably such a bad lie since we both know she’d never do that.”
haechan hissed, and it’s like i can see him in his childhood room, trying to rub the stress out from the creases between his eyes.
“i had to lie and say that, instead of the truth. the truth being that my best friend doesn’t want me at his family party, in his life even, and he didn’t have the fucking guts to tell me.” i spit out these words like venom, and i can hear them hitting him through the phone, not knowing if they’re doing the damage i want them to.
“look, i… i didn’t know what to do. please, just-“ suddenly i feel the balance shift, and i can feel how small he sounds on the other end. hiding in his room like a coward.
“your mom texted me pictures, said she wishes i was there. it hurt so bad, haechan,” i start crying and i thank god that the karaoke is still blasting because i can’t control how loud my sobs are. “it hurt so bad seeing you two laughing and looking happy in those pictures.”
i didn’t have to specify who; he knows. i know he knows with the way he falls silent. i almost think he hung up.
“i’m sorry,” is all he can say. it could’ve been a fly buzzing by my ear with how insignificant his lackluster apology sounded right now.
“i thought it would be me,” i confess, surprising him and myself. and it feels better than i expected, or maybe it’s the alcohol suppressing my anxieties. i wonder how good it must feel to be lulu, knowing that the boy that i love is now in love with her.
“i know,” he says. i hang up so fast, tossing my phone away, because i almost think i hallucinate him saying “me too.”
⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
when the plane landed, i had 4 missed calls from haechan, 2 from his mom, and 1 from his sister. i didn’t end up telling minjeong what transpired because she was already so upset leaving her family the following morning; her eyes were all puffy. a day has passed and i still haven’t said anything, not sure if it’s because i’m over it or if it’s out of embarrassment.
it wasn’t till later today where i was forced to confront what happened when jaehyun calls, desperately asking to be picked up from the airport.
“i don’t see you, are you sure you’re at terminal 1? i’m literally at the end of it.” i practically scream through the call connected to my old 2008 lexus.
“what? no, terminal 2. we’re at terminal 2,” jaehyun repeats, just as loudly.
“wait. we?” i ask, before spotting the two boys with their luggages at the curb of terminal 2, and a girl beside them.
i pull in, trying my best not to stare, cursing under my breath and hoping whatever bad karma i’ve collected throughout my twenty plus years of life gets passed onto jaehyun for omitting this important detail. i put the car in park and hop out to open the trunk.
“you owe me,” i say at the exact same time as jaehyun’s, “i owe you.”
he puts his luggage in and picks me up into a spinning hug. i smack his solid shoulder, not falling for his buttering tactics.
“you smell like the plane,” i scowl. jaehyun just laughs and taps the trunk of my car, still open and waiting for the others standing awkwardly to the side.
“haechan, you okay? you know we’ve landed, right?” he jokes in response to his friend’s stillness.
i don’t even bother giving haechan a glance despite feeling his eyes try their best to make contact with mine. i simply get back into the driver’s seat, waiting for them to finish loading the car.
eventually, i hear the passenger door open and i turn, ready to talk to jaehyun, but it’s not him.
“why are you—“
“feeling sick from the plane, i don’t think i can sit in the back.” haechan says, matter of factly.
i narrow my eyes at him, shocked at the way i can look at him now and ignore the sound of my heart breaking.
his brown hair has gotten longer, it curls around the nape of his neck. its messy all on top like he’s ran his hands through it multiple times. the wind from outside makes it flop everywhere. on top of that, his eyes are tired and his cheeks i liked to pinch so much sag a little.
his lips are rolled in and chapped as he waits for me to challenge him and i don’t have the energy to. so i just redirect my attention to the two in the back.
“lulu, am i dropping you off with haechan?” she’s sitting neatly in my car and we both can feel how weird this is.
“ummm, my house is fine, if it’s not too out of the way,” she smiles at me. “thanks for picking us up.”
i decide not to shoot haechan a questioning look and i just let her punch in her address.
during the whole twenty minute ride, i’m asking jaehyun as many questions as possible, sounding like someone really invested in his christmas plans. i eventually got a detailed breakdown of his entire weekend itinerary. haechan wasn’t able to get a single word in, but it also didn’t seem like he wanted to — which was odd for him.
i dropped lulu off and i begin mapping to haechan’s, when he stops me.
“jaehyun’s closer.”
“no i’m not.” “no he’s not.” jaehyun and i say simultaneously.
“yes, he is,” haechan says sternly, already having the GPS set.
i don’t have the energy to fight him so i drive to jaehyun’s, not needing the directions. i can see him twiddling his thumbs in the back and i make glances through the rearview mirror. he just shrugs and i chew my lip nervously.
“thanks again for the ride. breakfast on me tomorrow?” jaehyun offers once we reach his place, head sticking through my driver side window, duffel strapped onto his shoulder.
haechan’s head pokes out from my peripheral, “she’s got plans.”
my eyebrows shoot up at the same time jaehyun’s eyes go wide. he simply nods and gives me a shoulder squeeze good bye.
i pull out of his apartment complex, and start heading towards haechan’s, praying the silence isn’t disturbed during this short five minute drive.
“i can’t believe you got my brother that new ps5 game,” haechan starts. “mom’s already using it as leverage to get his grades up.”
i simply hum in response, not letting my eyes drift off the road.
“she really liked the necklace you got her. she practically screamed when she opened the box.” i can’t see it, but i can feel him smiling fondly. his family’s happiness always meant the most to him.
i can’t help the warm relief i feel in my chest knowing his mom liked my gift. unfortunately, my thoughts turn sour as i wonder if she liked it more than the gift lulu got her. my hands grip the wheel tighter.
“she grilled me pretty bad this morning… i told her the truth.” now it feels like the air’s been sucked out of the car.
“and what is ‘the truth’?” i manage to say.
he goes quiet again and i see his apartment up ahead. i pull over and park the car, not caring how far we actually were, and turned the engine off. the car is still humming as it settles down, and i take my seatbelt off, hoping it’ll take the weird weight off my chest.
“what’d you tell her, haechan?”
he sat still and didn’t move a muscle. i can see his brain churning as he refuses to look at me now. but i’m staring at him dead on, unrelenting.
“i told her that i didn’t want you there.”
wow.
i blinked. and i blinked. and i blinked, hoping my eyes would deceive me into seeing some sort of sign that he was lying. a flinch. an ear scratch. anything.
i open my mouth to say something (im not sure what) and i hope he beats me to it, ready to deny his claim, but he doesn’t.
after all these years in each other’s lives, this is how he truly feels? a huge chunk of me wants to convince myself he must be lying, but how could i when he’s saying it straight to my face like this. so many questions run through my head and each one left unanswered feels like another stab to the chest.
when did he start feeling this way? was our friendship just a charity for him? were my feelings for him never reciprocated in the slightest? was it all a lie?
“and… and that’s your truth?” i whisper, but it felt like a desperate cry, begging him to say no.
“yes. and what’s even more true is that i broke your heart.”
he peaks at me, between the cracks of his fingers that are now cradling his face. i can tell he’s not being fully honest about what’s going on between us, and i’m not sure if he can right now, but he wasn’t wrong about what he said about the state of my heart.
“hm. ‘tis the season.”
⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
while shutting my laptop screen, i say bye to my coworkers as we leave the conference room. despite usually getting winter break off, my boss had called in an emergency meeting to settle things before people start truly ignoring their work emails. my coworkers had every right to complain about coming in on a saturday during the holidays while they badged into the building, but i didn’t mind. no meeting could be worse than the week i’ve had.
i was last to leave the floor since i had a couple things at my desk to grab. getting onto the elevator alone, i watched the numbers descend until it halted at the 21st floor. i awkwardly side stepped to make room for the oncoming person as the doors parted.
“oh.” i could only gape because right in front of me was lulu.
“oh!” she returned, before giving me a wave and getting in. “they got you working the holidays too?”
i try to look at her from my peripheral, but it feels too awkward. like any movement on my part would be weird.
“not really, my boss just stresses and so she called a quick meeting.” i roll my lips in, teetering on the balls of my feet. could this elevator be any slower?
“oh wow. mine doesn’t believe in holiday breaks, hence why i’m here. i didn’t know you worked in this building.” she eyes my laptop, looking for a company name.
“it was my first job out of college, but they had me working remote for my first year.” i explain.
“oh, that makes sense. i feel like i’m always here and yet i only saw you for the first time with hae-” lulu cuts herself off, and clears her throat.
my face grows hot, immediately thinking that she must’ve heard from him about my drunk christmas breakdown. i’d be furious if i weren’t so embarrassed right now. i turn to finally look at her, in an attempt to take control of this situation.
“too many floors, lots of people,” i smile half-heartedly, giving her a shrug. finally, the elevator stops at the lobby and i let out a breath that i don’t mean to.
“anyways, happy holidays! maybe i’ll see you at johnny’s,” i wave my white flag, coming to terms with this being my reality if her and haechan continue dating. i'm done fighting it.
lulu doesn’t get off the elevator, and she tilts her head, puzzlement painting her face. she shakes it off quickly and just nods, reaching her hand out to keep the door from shutting on her.
i hurry out the building, muttering curses under my breath because of course, not only did i have to run into lulu, but i forgot my coat at my desk as well. wrapping my cardigan tighter around my body, i trudge through the city streets to get to my car because of course, our parking garage is closed.
i hear someone calling my name behind me, and i turn around to see lulu chasing after me. her cheeks look pink like they were whipped by the recent cold winds. and yes, she looks perfect.
“i wanted- i wanted to clarify something.” she catches her breath, holding onto my shoulder. i try not to knock it off like a bitch, so i glare at her hand, waiting for her to get a hint. but she doesn’t, or pretends she doesn't, as she continues.
“we broke up,” she starts. “and yeah, it has to do with us as individuals, but it was mainly… it was mainly to do with you.”
while rooted in shock, i search her to face to find any ounce of rage or bitterness towards me. my guards are up looking for a sign that she was going to slap me across the face, but i sensed nothing. i’m about to ask her why when she starts again.
“he hurt me pretty bad, but i should’ve seen it coming. i’m not you,” she shrugs, as if she’s already come to terms with her feelings. she says it as if it was a true and proven fact. but none of what she said makes sense to me. also, i know we’re not talking, but why didn’t he tell me? why didn’t he tell any of us?
“i don’t understand…” i say.
“i’ve said too much. you don’t need to understand right now, just promise you’ll hear him out. i know you don’t think you owe me anything, but you technically cost me my boyfriend so… do me this favor.”
before i could agree to anything, she finally lets go of my shoulder and laughs with relief. she tosses her hair over her shoulder and takes a breath, recollecting herself. she never looked like she was in shambles – as she is portraying – to begin with.
“that felt good. anyway, happy holidays to you too.” and lulu walked away.
⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
johnny’s new year’s extravaganza is on full blast — the biggest turn out he’s ever had. a lot of people ditched their work parties and their family events to gather in his house for a better time. it was so busy that there was barely any open space and he ran out of ice.
before he could instacart some with his drunk trembling fingers, i’m taking the phone from him.
“i’ll get it!” i yelled over the DJ — the DJ is him. “i didn’t drink, i’ll go pick some up!”
he takes one side of his headphones off, tilting his head asking, are you sure? but the puppy dog look in his eyes shows how much he prefers this over those hiked up delivery fees.
i give him his phone back and tell him i’ll be back in a few. on my way out, i catch a stumbling minjeong and she says she’s gonna stay the night.
right before i reach the door, jaehyun and our friends come down the stairs, smoke wafting around them. my eyes automatically count the number of them and of course, i notice one missing.
“hey where’s-“ i stop myself, rolling my lips in. unfortunately, they’re not high enough to mishear me or maybe it’s expected of me to want to know his whereabouts. maybe it’s obvious to everyone how i feel about him. what do i know?
“he never showed up,” mark says. “guess he’s not feeling well? did johnny get new floors?”
mark cautiously steps around like the floor is made of fragile glass and i grab onto his arm, afraid he’s going to fall. he starts giggling like crazy and it’s so cute.
jaehyun quickly steps in and catches mark’s weight before it crushes me. i give him a thanks and tell him i’m going to get ice.
“you sure? it’s so late. fuck johnny, we can drink lukewarm drinks.”
i shake my head, “i think i need the air anyways.”
he offers me his car after checking that i’m sober, but i turn him down, already making my way out.
the air is lightly crisp and chilly, no clouds in the sky. it’s the perfect new year weather for fireworks. i’m already two blocks down and there’s still people from his party scattered on the streets.
while deep in my thoughts about a certain missing someone, i realize i missed the turn to the gas station and am now walking home. as suffocating as it was in that packed house, it felt worse choking on my persistent thoughts in the middle of the night.
i can feel the deepening crack in my heart that only made this new loneliness of the holiday more apparent. i just finished sending johnny an apology text and i start digging in my purse for my keys.
the steps to my apartment complex’s front door is occupied by a pair of shoes, connected to a pair of legs, holding up a tired looking haechan. my toes meet his in my haggard search to find my keys and i almost fall back in surprise. he quickly stands to catch my wrist and i’m yanked into his chest, keys falling to the ground.
“what are you- what are you doing here?” i twist my arm out of his grip and take a step back onto flat ground. a small part of me (a big one) fills with relief knowing he was here the whole time and is okay and i feel betrayed by that side of me.
he looks at me incredulously like he’s not the one camped outside my house. then he looks around to see if anyone is with me, growing concerned.
“what the hell are you doing walking home alone at this time? those assholes couldn’t take you?” standing two steps above me, haechan lectures me like a parent and i’m in no position to be scolded. like a child, the irritation easily blooms in my chest.
“stop acting like you care. it’s pissing me off.” i groan, suddenly feeling all the tiredness from the day in my bones. “you made it clear how you feel about me so just… stop.” you’re confusing me, i think.
i stand here challenging him, quirking an eyebrow waiting for him to move.
he grabs my lanyard off the ground instead.
“look i…can i?” he gestures to the door, wanting to go inside, looking defeated. his shoulders have fallen from their tense position and haechan just looks so worn out. with how disheveled his appearance is, it looks like he had been waiting outside for hours.
“i… don’t know if that’s a good idea.” i bite my lip, trying to fight the annoying guilt i feel like i’m leaving a stray puppy out in the cold. but i knew that if i let him into my circle again, i’d just end up even more hurt.
haechan just nods, handing me my keys back. “if you want the whole neighborhood to know how badly i fucked up and how awfully sorry i am, i don’t mind doing this outside.”
“doing what exactly?” i ask, crossing my arms in front of me. for someone standing so tall above me, he now looked so vulnerable from where i stood below him.
“apologizing.” haechan states, taking a step down. “confessing.” another step down. perfectly level.
my lips are holding back so many questions, so many exclamations. he can see it in my eyes how quickly my mind runs and how hard i’m trying to not blurt all my thoughts out. i want him to continue, he needs to.
“lulu and i broke up, first of all. that awkward airport car ride was not just awkward because of… us.” he laughs, reliving the scene. i can hear lulu’s words repeating in my head, but i refuse to make sense of them right now.
“i think… i realize… i was just playing house with her. forcing myself to keep this seemingly easy girlfriend because… because the one i truly wanted scared me so badly.” haechan looks at me with his soft, round brown eyes, making it so obvious who he was referring to. it made me hopeful enough to ask.
“i scare you?” i say quietly, still so confused and processing the millions of emotions coarsing through my chest. you want me?
“you terrify me.”
“i don’t un-“
“the way you love me terrifies me. the thought of losing you terrifies me. the way i feel for you terrifies me. the thought of not being enough for you terrifies me!” as he lists, his voice gets louder and i have to grip his forearm to get him to quiet down.
“haechan…”
“no, i’ve spent years with this fear, fighting my fucking feelings for you just to feel safe. but this… what i’ve done? it feels a million times worse than whatever this stupid fear may manifest. and i should’ve known from all those romcoms you make me watch where the male lead makes the same fucking mistake!” his eyes are ground in by the palms of his hands, pushing back on the tension i can see brewing in his head.
“i messed up so bad thinking i was doing both of us a favor. but i hurt you more than i ever thought i could. i’m an asshole.” he cries, sniffling hard. with his hands now at his sides, fists clenched, i can clearly see the tears he tried so hard to hold back.
“i’m sorry… but i love you.” haechan confesses with a pained smile on his tear-stained face, shrugging like it’s truly something to be apologizing for.
it makes my heart spur with something along the lines of anger, but not quite.
“you’re an idiot for thinking you should ever be sorry for that.”
i finally speak up. “you’re so stupid!” i shove him, feeling my bag fall off my shoulder.
“you’re so, so stupid!” i punch at his chest, bag smacking onto the floor.
“i know, i know i-“ he stammers.
“no! you don’t know! how could you decide all of this for us? that not having me in your life would be easier than taking a chance on-on losing me? or loving me?! do you understand how selfish you sound? how selfish you’ve been?” i’m enraged. my fingers are curled around the fabric of the bottom of his shirt because i still can’t quite reach his collar. i’m desperate for him to genuinely hear me for what feels like the first time in months.
his jaw is locked, eyes watery to match mine, as he files through what he could say in response.
“what’s even shittier is that you knew this whole time how much i loved you,” my voice cracks, a hiccup escaping my mouth.
“loved?” he asks, sounding wounded by the past tense. and it drives me nuts that that’s what he latched onto.
“love, you idiot,” i clarify without hesitation. “i love you so much…”
and despite how clear that confession was, haechan searches my eyes like he’s looking for more to be said. like he can easily palpate the true feelings i’ve been holding back, begging me to continue.
“…enough to maybe overlook this.” i let go, knowing i can’t hold back any longer.
haechan’s face shifts almost instantly, not shying away from laughing out of pure relief. “oh my god,” he gasps, taking my hands from his shirt and weaving them with his own to clutch tight to his chest. “thank god.”
i can feel his heart racing between our hands intertwined. it feels like the same one drumming in my chest. i look at his face against the night sky and it feels both strange and comforting that he’s so freely staring at me with that lovesick look in his eyes. they sparkle like they’re mimicking the stars above him.
“have i told you i’m sorry? i need you to know i’m sorry and that i’m going to fix everything. i promise.” he kisses my knuckles lightly, scared to push it.
before i can respond, we both faintly hear the muffled yells of the neighborhood counting in sync.
5!
our eyes widen simultaneously, suddenly realizing where we were and what time it was. we start laughing as the bubble around us pops.
4!
haechan shakes his head at the timing of it all, eyes bright and sparkly at the prospects. he already looks so much lighter and he looks at me like i’m a new beginning.
3!
despite all the anger i had felt for him, my body knows better and my arms make their way around his neck, lifting me up a little higher to meet his face.
2!
his mouth parts, head cocked slightly to the side as if to ask if this was truly okay. i shyly nod and he instantly brings his hands to my waist to pull me impossibly closer. i laugh at his eagerness and i can feel the joy rumbling in his chest against mine.
1!
… happy new year!
a startling crack erupts above us, sending a flurry of colors into the sky. i tilt my chin to look up, but he takes this new angle to capture my lips with his instead. the new and exciting feeling of his mouth against mine sends a surge of electricity coursing through my body at a rate that matches the fireworks above. his fingers curve into my hips as if i could disappear at any moment and i cradle the nape of his neck to let him know i’m still here.
we hear hooting and hollering, poppers going off, and champagne bottles bursting open. it feels like the whole world is celebrating us, as ridiculous as it sounds.
my body is consumed with how much i just love kissing haechan; i can’t help the smile that makes its way onto my face, and our teeth awkwardly clink. he laughs under his breath, letting me know he feels the same, and it feels good to just rejoice in this mutual buzz. he gives me a peck on the lips, then another on my cheek, and another on my forehead. he goes for the other cheek but i meet him with my lips instead.
“hey,” i get his attention.
his eyebrows perk and he gives me a sly look, “heyyy…”
i scoff, but it doesn’t match the giddy smile on my face. “no, dumbass. hey, don’t think this one kiss solves everything, okay?” i take him by his shoulders to put some distance between us so he knows i mean business.
“so like… 500 more kisses will do the trick or…?” he starts leaning in and i shove my hand over his mouth.
“haechan!”
“okay, okay! i’m joking! trust,” he tears my palm off his face. “my mom already warned me that it’d take way more than this to win you back.”
“she said that?” i snicker.
“i told you she ripped me a new one. she didn’t need to, i knew how badly i fucked up. but she loves you almosttt as much as i do, so i don’t blame her.” he smiles, looking at me in a way i had only imagined in my dreams.
“and you’re not… scared anymore?”
“i am.” he says confidently, but there’s no doubt riddled on his face. “but i want this more than whatever insecurities i may have. i want you way more.”
haechan rests his head onto mine, taking in a deep breath, “so will you have me?”
i pretend to think about it to tease him and he pokes at my side. “forgiving a cute brunette boy was actually one of my new years’ resolutions so yeah.”
“oh how gracious of you,” he jokes, hand over his heart, shaken by my generosity. “can we kiss again?”
“that’s actually another one of my-“
“oh shut up.” and i do. or really, he shuts me up.
⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
A/N: ahhh thank god. reblog, like, or reply plsss if u want
⪩⪨ Operation: First Kiss - @ncityrave (Mark turns to his friends for help to build up the courage for his relationship's first kiss.)
⪩⪨ Sunday Kind of Love : Frat Mark - @smileysuh (Mark is fine with having a crush on the girl in the library. He’s fine watching her from afar. And he’s fine with never speaking a word to the girl who he spends many nights chasing in his dreams. But fate, and a few nosey frat brothers, think Mark would be much better if he was forced to talk to the cute girl from the library that he can’t seem to get out of his head.)
⪩⪨ tis the damn season - mark smau - @najaemism (in which your ex-boyfriend comes back to your hometown—and he wants to talk to you.)
⪩⪨ Delphinium - @ncteez (It wasn’t intentional. You don’t even know why you cared that he didn’t believe in pre-marital sex, but it didn’t stop you from arguing with him about it. You didn’t intend to win the argument either. Then again, he kind of let you.)
⪩⪨ 9:10 PM - @neochan (possessive! mark)
⪩⪨ WITH YOU | MK.L - @sehunniepotwrites (There are many things Mark Lee wants to do with you. He wants to walk you home. He wants to dive into the deep blue sea with you. He wants to go on a drive with you at his side. But mostly, this crazy, head over heels in love boy just wants to make it with you.)
⪩⪨ spidey boy ; 이민형 - @martiniblues (mark has tried to hide his secret identity from you for as long as possible, to keep you safe, of course. little does he know that you’ve untangled his web of lies long ago and will do anything in your power to get him to admit it. just when you've had enough of him lying to you, he ends up getting caught in the act trying to save your life.)
⪩⪨ eyes on me. (m.l) - @mrkis (mark wants you to keep your eyes on him as he pleases you.)
⪩⪨ GOLDEN HOUR. | L.MK - @onyourhyuck (You’re a waiter and Mark Lee the local biker and infamous bad boy loves the eggs your diner makes, but now he wants a taste of you.)
⪩⪨ madly in love - mark lee - @p0ckykiss (mark had always been the hopeless romantic type)
⪩⪨ it’s too bad you’re married to me | m.l - @yojeongin (all mark ever does is use weaponized incompetence to get out of small tasks you ask of him. when he finally realizes you resort to his close friends to do what he can’t— nothing can prepare him for what’s in your pandora box; now karma is set in motion.)
⪩⪨ Pretty Boy. (m.l) - @ncteez (Mark’s favorite thing to do is sit alone at the library and enjoy the knowledge that his university offers. In contrast, your favorite thing to do is go to parties and enjoy as much chaos as possible. However, upon realizing your grades have dropped drastically due to this lifestyle, you have no choice but to approach Mark for help. or the one where your new favorite thing to do is seduce the most inexperienced man you’ve ever met and watch how desperate he gets for you.)
⪩⪨ gelato | lmk - @hazyhae (a high slip up cost you mark lee years ago, and you’ve spent years burying your memories of him ever since. the universe has other plans for you when your old friend starts a new career, smoking his way back into your life.)
⪩⪨ ꒰ 𝐍𝐎 𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔 ꒱ 이민형 - @loserlvrss (one thing about your boyfriend, mark, is that he would always take care of you — even if you were annoyingly drunk — and he was embarrassingly in love)
Você escolheu o pior biquíni para a ocasião. Era o que o seu cérebro neurótico dizia pela centésima vez. É claro que Jaehyun exibiria o seu físico ótimo para você — e não era como se você não amasse ver cada partezinha do corpo atlético dele, embora seus olhos se prendessem mais no sorriso infantil e nas covinhas marcadas por pura felicidade. Ignorava a escolha ridícula de bermuda; ele era gostoso, não importava qual fosse a escolha inequívoca de moda.
— Vem logo! A água tá sensacional! — Jaehyun chamou.
Você sorriu, sentada na areia daquela praia remota, sem saber o que fazer. Era um biquíni preto modesto, mas, mesmo assim, você só conseguia pensar nas suas imperfeições — no excesso de gordurinha aqui e ali. Fez que não com a cabeça, esperando que Jaehyun ficasse satisfeito com o gesto, mas ele insistiu:
— Se você não vier, vou te buscar aí!
Você amava água, e Jaehyun sabia que a sua insegurança não estava nas ondas calmas. Mesmo te conhecendo há apenas duas semanas, já tinha sido o bastante para participar de um jantar em família e ser bombardeado por fotos suas de quando era menininha, histórias antigas e seus tios dizendo que ele estava muito branquinho e precisava se bronzear. Jaehyun assentiu, concordando com a cabeça enquanto olhava apenas para você.
— Tá, vira pra trás!
Ele obedeceu, observando a linha do horizonte enquanto você removia a saída de praia devagar. Arrumou os cabelos, deixando-os soltos sobre o decote do biquíni, e caminhou, bem incerta, em direção a ele. Infelizmente, Jaehyun estava numa altura da água que só cobria até a metade das coxas. Você tocou de levinho suas costas com as pontas dos dedos, e ele se virou — da mesma forma que você fizera ao retirar o vestidinho branco que usava: lentamente, como se tivesse medo de se cegar com toda a luz que você irradiava.
— Você é linda — Jaehyun afirmou, sorrindo.
Aquilo fez você se arrepender por ter demorado tanto para se juntar a ele. Você se continha para não corar mais do que já estava, sentindo o coração quente, tal qual o rosto. Respirou fundo quando ele afastou seus cabelos para trás. Jaehyun definitivamente não era um tonto — e definitivamente não gostava quando você se escondia.
— Não tem por que se esconder de mim, princesa.
Jaehyun acariciou seu rosto, ambas as mãos sobre suas bochechas, os polegares alisando sua pele com um carinho que nenhum homem antes havia direcionado a você. Colheu a lágrima que escorreu sem que você percebesse, e você sorriu, pensando no quanto ele devia te achar uma idiota.
— Me desculpa… é que você é tão galanteador. É isso que você faz toda vez que viaja? Faz donzelas indefesas se apaixonarem por você e depois foge como se nada tivesse acontecido?
— Mas eu quero ficar aqui, com você. Não tem nenhum outro lugar no mundo em que eu deseje tanto estar, se você não estiver lá.
Ele te beijou, gentil como as ondas fraquinhas que atingiam seus corpos — como se quisesse selar uma promessa.
— E você não é uma donzela indefesa.
Você riu, concordando com um leve aceno de cabeça, envolvendo a cintura dele com os braços.
— É… eu não sou, não.
— Mas eu acho que sou galanteador. Um pouquinho — provocou, mordendo o seu lábio inferior de propósito, só para comprovar a própria suspeita.
Você se afastou em resposta, mas Jaehyun capturou sua mão, descarado, admirando cada centímetro do seu corpo sem vergonha nenhuma. Você o chamou pelo nome, fazendo sinal para que ele focasse nos seus olhos, e, quando enfim as mãos se desvencilharam, você sorriu, contemplando o seu amor de verão.
— Já que você é tão galanteador…
Jaehyun passou a mão pelo cabelo molhado, afastando-o para trás, e você quase desmaiou de paixão. Esperou atraí-lo até a areia antes de correr na direção oposta.
ʚɞ 'house rules' an 𝒏𝒄𝒕 127 smau by @cosmicalily ★ view 𝓵𝓲𝓫𝓻𝓪𝓻𝔂 ʚɞ
୨ৎ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: texts with nct 127 as your roommates ♡
ʚɞ 𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓'𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆: lowk pulled this out of my ass last minute before i have a breakdown about my design final anyway cosmicalily nctzen hard launch #haechangooner127
ʚɞ 𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: mention of vapes, crying
taglist: @hyunjiiza @filmrku | comment, dm or send an ask to be added :)
PAIRING ↬ next door neighbor!mark lee x fem!reader
TAGS ↬ fluff, romance, slight angst, potential soulmates, past lives au, friends to (?), shared dreams, the idea of inyun/inyeon or “fate”
SUMMARY ↬ when you move into a small apartment complex in seoul, your next-door neighbor, mark lee, seems like nothing more than an ordinary guy. but as the two of you get to know each other more, it suddenly feels like you’ve known him forever. then mark mentions his grandmother's belief in 인연. the idea that every encounter is woven by threads of fate. are these coincidences between you and mark really accidental or is there something deeper going on?
WORD COUNT ↬ 3.7k+
AUTHOR’S NOTE ↬ somebody (me) decided to rewatch past lives 🙈 this was supposed to be fluff and a gift for @https-lvesick but finals week started sinking in… thank you to my saviors @viasdreams and @polarisjisung for beta reading, love y'all <33
PLAYLIST ↬ jazz bar - dreamcatcher; mago - gfriend; you - nct dream; dejavu - nu’est w; wham bam shang-a-lang - silver
THERE IS A WORD IN KOREAN:
"인연"
it means providence or fate.
but it's specifically about the relationships between people.
it's an "인연" if two strangers even walk by each other in the street and their clothes accidentally brush. because it means there must have been something between them in their past lives.
Your apartment door was wide open, boxes half-unpacked and filling the hallway. You’d tried to keep things organized, but between the moving of your furniture and the delivery guy calling for directions, you slowly lost your organization.
You were crouched on the floor, handling a box of kitchenware, when you heard a muffled voice behind you.
“Uh, hi? Excuse me?”
Startled, you turned to see a guy standing at the end of the hallway, a paper bag balanced in one hand and a set of keys dangling from the other. He was dressed in a simple hoodie and sweatpants, glasses fixed upon his face, and his hair slightly tousled like he’d just rolled out of bed.
“Are… are you my new neighbor?” he asked in Korean, motioning toward the boxes that completely blocked his door.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” your voice squeaked as you responded in some broken korean, not mentally prepared to face a neighbor on the first day of moving him. You scrambled to move a tower of books out of his way. “I didn’t realize—let me just—”
“It’s fine, really,” he interrupted in English this time with a small laugh. “I’m Mark, by the way. Do you speak English?”
“Oh!” You paused mid-shove, shocked at his perfect accent. “Yes. Yes I do.” You were suddenly aware of how disheveled you looked. “Y/N,” you replied, brushing stray hair from your face. “Nice to meet you, and again, sorry for the mess. Your English is really good.”
“No worries. Happens to the best of us,” Mark said, crouching to help move the heavier boxes. “I’m from Canada, so English is kind of my thing.”
“Aah. I see.” You nodded, still mortified.
“This is your first day here?”
“Yeah. My friends were supposed to help, but they bailed at the last minute. So here I am, single-handedly creating a big explosive mess.”
Mark chuckled, lifting a box with ease. “I’d say you’re doing a pretty solid job for one person. Though... maybe try not to block your neighbors' doors next time.”
“Noted,” you said with an embarrassed laugh, standing to hold the door open as he slid the box inside.
When the hallway was clear, you expected him to leave, but he stayed, looking at the stacks of boxes still waiting to be unpacked. “Need an extra pair of hands?”
“Oh, no, you don’t have to—”
“I insist,” Mark said with a grin. “I’m a pro at this. Moved like five times in the last three years.”
Before you could protest further, Mark rolled up his sleeves and got to work. He moved like he really had done this a hundred times, lifting heavy items with ease and made the process less awkward with his small jokes.
“This box says ‘Bathroom,’ but it’s definitely full of shoes,” he teased, pulling out a pair of sneakers.
“Okay, maybe I got a little lazy with the labels,” you admitted.
“Lazy? Nah, this is strategic. Keeps life exciting,” he quipped, tossing the sneakers back in.
You laughed, the tension from earlier fading away. Somehow, he’d turned what felt like a stressful task into something almost fun.
Once the last box was inside, Mark clapped his hands together. “Mission accomplished. And since I’m basically your hero now, I think I’ve earned a reward. Got any snacks?”
You blinked, caught off guard. “Uh, I have… instant ramen?”
Mark grinned. “Perfect. My favorite.”
After settling in for a few days, you don’t encounter Mark again. That is, until a series of random moments start pulling you back into his orbit.
On one of those nights, just past 9 p.m., the apartment complex suddenly plunges into darkness. The familiar buzz of your refrigerator stops, and the streetlights outside shut off, leaving your apartment only dimly lit from the moon.
Groaning, you fumble around for your phone, only to realize the battery is at 4%. Great. You grab a flashlight, slowly open your door, and step out into the hallway, hoping to find someone who knows what is going on.
That’s when you spot him.
Mark is sitting on the floor just outside his door, a small stack of candles beside him.
“Hey,” he greets, a faint smile on his face as he waves a lighter. “Power’s out in the whole block, apparently. Wanna borrow a candle?”
You take in his setup and smirk. He’s surrounded by neatly arranged tea lights and thick pillar candles.“Uh, are you in a cult or something?”
“Eh, my grandma’s kinda superstitious. Always told me to keep candles around the house just in case,” he says, shrugging. “I thought she was overreacting, but turns out she’s kind of a genius.”
You sit down a few feet away, gratefully accepting a candle he lights for you. The flame brightens up the dark hallway, leaving warm shadows on Mark’s face.
“So,” you start, leaning against the wall, “What do you normally do during blackouts? Just... sit around and wait?”
“Basically. Or… get this,” he says, a mischievous glint in his eyes, “People actually talk to each other. Crazy, right? You could, I don’t know, tell me something about yourself. Like… how many candles do you keep at home?”
“None,” you admit holding up your flashlight. “This is all I’ve got. I guess I’m doomed in a blackout. Your grandma would be so disappointed in me.”
“She would,” he agrees with a laugh. “But I’ll let it slide. Only because you’re new here.”
The conversation flows easily after that. You both begin trading random facts: Your favorite childhood snacks, his love for playing guitar, the time you accidentally dyed your hair orange trying to bleach it yourself. He counters with a tale of a botched bleach job that left him looking like a walking science experiment for months.
Minutes turn into an hour, the candles continuing to burn as the two of you share quiet laughter and stories. And for the first time that night, the darkness doesn’t feel so bad.
—
A few days later, you’re hauling overstuffed grocery bags up the stairs when Mark pokes his head out of his apartment. His hair is tousled, and he’s wearing an oversized hoodie that practically swallows him whole.
“Oh, hey!” he calls, his face lighting up when he spots you. “Need help?”
“I got it, thanks!” you manage to say, despite your arms straining and the bag handles digging into your fingers.
Before you can argue, Mark is already down the hall, grabbing it from you, and effortlessly carrying it to your door. “Looks like this thing was holding on for dear life,” he teases, hoisting it easily as he follows you to your door.
“You didn’t have to—”
“I was gonna knock on your door anyway,” he interrupts with a grin. “I baked something earlier and thought you might want to try it.”
That makes you pause mid-door unlock. “You bake?”
“Why does everyone react like that?” he says with mock offense. “Yes, I bake. Don’t look so shocked.”
“You don’t look like the baking type. Or cooking.”
“Oh, I can’t cook.” He scowls as if thinking about a bad memory, “But baking is pretty easy. It’s just throwing everything into one bowl, mixing it up, and waiting. Piece of cake. Or, in this case, cookies.”
A few minutes later, you’re both sitting on your tiny kitchen floor, a plate of freshly baked cookies between you. The smell of warm chocolate and butter fills the air.
“These are amazing,” you say after taking a bite, your voice muffled by the cookie in your mouth.
Mark beams, leaning back against the counter. “Not bad, right? I got the recipe off some YouTube channel. Figured I’d test it out before offering it to my friends.”
You squint your eyes, pretending to look offended. “Wait, so I’m just the guinea pig?”
He admits, laughing. “Pretty much. But hey, honest opinion: too sweet? Not sweet enough?”
“Perfect,” you reply, reaching out for another. “But you should’ve added nuts. Makes it more sophisticated. Just make sure you aren’t allergic.”
He gasps, clutching his chest. “Sophisticated? Wow. Didn’t know I was baking for royalty.”
You chuckle, playfully tossing a crumpled napkin at him, and the conversation once again flows effortlessly from there. You laugh over Mark’s failed attempts at “fancy” macarons, and somehow turn into stories about childhood food disasters.
By the time the plate is empty and an hour has vanished. With Mark, even the simplest moments feel like they belong in a movie.
—
Then it’s yet another lazy Sunday when the doorbell rings. You open the door to find Mark holding a massive box labeled 50-pack instant ramen.
“I think this is yours,” he says, biting back a laugh.
You glance at the label and groan. “Oh my God. I ordered five. Five!”
“Well, congrats,” he says, handing you the box. “Looks like you’re set for the next year.”
You sigh, dragging the box inside. A few minutes later, there’s another knock. Mark’s returned to your door, grinning this time.
“You know,” he starts, leaning against the doorframe, “if you need help finishing all that ramen, I’m just next door. We could, like, host a ‘ramen buffet.’ Charge admission or something.”
You snort. “Sure. I’ll make you the first VIP guest. Free ramen for life.”
“That’s the best offer I’ve ever gotten,” he says, eyes sparkling. “But seriously, I’ll take a few packs off your hands if it’s too much. My midnight snack stash could use a refill.”
Later, you text him a picture of your pantry.
YOU: Your VIP pass is ready
MARK: I’ll bring the chopsticks! 😂
The first time the dream comes, it’s vivid enough to remember even after you wake up. In the dream you’re walking through a bustling marketplace, the air thick with the scents and noise of those around you. People push past you, but you don’t feel overwhelmed by them. Instead, there’s a strange pull, like a thread tugging at your body. You turn your head and catch a glimpse of someone—a young man with a warm smile, eyes glinting in the sunlight, and a soft laugh that echoes through the din.
You can’t see his face clearly, but his hand brushes yours as he passes. And in that moment, it leaves a spark. A warmth that feels almost familiar.
When you wake up, the details are already fading, but the feeling of that touch, that spark, seems to linger, and you can’t seem to get it out of your head.
A few days later, you're sitting with Mark in the hallway outside your apartments, the floor scattered with takeout boxes and empty soda cans. The two of you have somehow fallen into the habit of these late-night talks, sharing parts of your day and random thoughts that cross your mind in the moment.
“Have you ever had weird dreams?” you ask, swirling the straw in your drink.
Mark leans back against the wall, his hair slightly messy from running his hand through it too many times. “Weird how?”
“Like…” You pause, trying to find the right words. “Like they’re not just dreams. More like memories. But not yours.”
Mark raises an eyebrow, intrigued. “Okay, now you’ve got me curious. Spill.”
You chuckle, feeling a little silly but continuing anyway. “I’ve been dreaming about this place—a market or something. It’s super crowded, and I’m just walking around. But then…” Your voice trails off as the memory becomes clearer in your mind. “There’s this guy. I don’t know him, but when I see him, it’s like I do. And when our hands brush…”
Mark’s expression shifts, his playful smile fading into something more serious. He sits up straighter. “Wait. You said a market?”
“Yeah.”
“And… hands brushing?” he asks, his voice quieter now.
Your stomach flips. “Yeah. Why?”
He hesitates, running a hand through his hair again. “Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but… I’ve had the exact same dream.”
For a moment, the world feels like it’s spinning. You blink at him, looking for any hint that he’s maybe joking, but his face is earnest, his brows furrowed like he’s trying to solve a mystery.
“No way,” you say, laughing nervously. “You’re messing with me.”
“I’m not!” Mark protests, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “I swear. There’s a market, right? And I’m just walking, but then I see someone—you, I guess? And when our hands touch, it’s like—”
“—like a spark,” you finish for him, your voice barely above a whisper.
Mark stares at you, his eyes wide. “Exactly.”
The air between you grows silent, the laughter and casual banter from earlier replaced by something more ominous.
“Do you think it means something?” you ask after a long pause, your voice trying to stabilize itself.
Mark lets out a deep breath, his gaze fixed on the ceiling. “My grandma used to say that some people are connected through 인연—fate, you know? Like… maybe we knew each other before. In another life.”
You study his face, the soft curve of his jaw and the way his lips press together like he’s holding back more than he’s saying out loud. “Do you believe that?”
He turns to look at you, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I don’t know. But if it’s true…” He pauses, his gaze dropping to his hands, which rest in his lap. “Maybe it’s why I feel like I’ve known you forever, even though we just met.”
Your breath catches, his words affecting something deep inside you. The dreams, the strange familiarity, the unexplainable pull towards him, the way you could spend hours with each other, you’ve felt since the day you moved in. It’s all beginning to make a strange kind of sense.
You don’t say anything, but your hand brushes his as you reach for your drink, and in that moment, the spark from your dream seems to jolt back to life.
Mark glances down, his fingers twitching as if he’s tempted to close the gap. Instead, he looks at you.“Maybe we’re just imagining things,” he says softly, but the hope in his voice betrays his words.
“Maybe,” you reply, though you’re not sure you believe it either.
For the rest of the night, neither of you mention the dreams again. But when you go to bed, the image of two hands brushing in a crowded marketplace still lingers in your mind, clearer than ever.
It’s a Friday evening, and you’re sitting on Mark’s couch, a blanket thrown over both of your laps. The faint smell of popcorn fills the air as a half-watched movie plays on the screen. Mark’s head is tilted back, his eyes weary from the long day, his fingers idly drumming to a beat on the couch cushion between you.
You glance at him, noting how cozy it seems here. It’s moments like these that feel strange… and effortless. Like you’ve done this a thousand times before.
“Hey,” you say, nudging his arm lightly. “You’re zoning out. The movie isn't that bad.”
Mark snorts, turning his head toward you. “Oh, yeah? Name one character besides the main guy.”
“Uh... The dog?”
“Exactly.” He laughs, his eyes crinkling in that way that makes your stomach flip.
But before you can laugh along, his phone buzzes on the coffee table, breaking the moment. Mark’s smile fades as he leans forward to grab it. You watch his face shift—something serious.
“Who is it?” you ask, your voice careful.
“It’s... uh, an email. From SM,” he says, mentioning the entertainment company where he’s been interning. He hesitates, scrolling through the message. “They want me to come in for a meeting. Apparently, there’s a potential opening on one of their teams in Vancouver.”
You sit up straighter. “Vancouver? Like... Canada?”
He nods, his thumb still hovering over his phone screen. “Yeah. They’ve got this big international project coming up, and I guess they think I’d be a good fit.”
You’re silent for a moment, the weight of his words setting in. “That’s... amazing, Mark. Congratulations.”
“Thanks.” His tone is quiet, almost hesitant, and it doesn’t match the words. He sets his phone back down and leans back again, trying to avoid your gaze.
“So,” you say, trying to sound nonchalant even as your chest tightens, “you’re thinking of going?”
Mark runs a hand through his hair, a nervous habit you’ve noticed over the months. “I don’t know yet. It’s a huge opportunity, but... I’d have to leave. Like, soon.”
“Right,” you say, your voice a little too steady. “It makes sense. You’ve been working toward something like this for a long time.”
He finally looks at you, his dark eyes searching. “Yeah, but... leaving means leaving everything. Everyone.”
You know what he’s implying, but neither of you says it out loud.
—
It’s the day of Mark’s big decision. Whether to take the overseas job offer or stay in Seoul. You’ve been avoiding the topic, scared of what it might mean for you. But tonight, the two of you find yourselves on the rooftop of your apartment building. The breeze carries the faint scent of flowers that Mark planted the other day in the community garden.
You sit side by side on the edge, legs dangling over the low wall. Although dangerous, Mark always promised that he’d catch you if you fell. He also wrapped a blanket around your shoulders. He’s always thoughtful like that.
For a while, neither of you says anything, just watching the sun slowly start to descend down the bustling city.
Finally, Mark breaks the silence. “You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 인연.”
You turn to look at him. His face is painted in soft, golden light. “Yeah? What about it?”
He chuckles softly, almost nervously, running a hand through his hair. “At first, I thought it was just a cool idea. Like, ‘Oh, that’s neat. Fate and past lives and stuff.’ But… I don’t know. Every time I’m with you, it feels like there’s something bigger happening. Like I’ve known you forever, and I don’t even know why.”
Your breath catches. Hearing him say it out loud makes it feel so much more real than you imagined in your head. “I feel it too. Like… we’ve been here before. Not just on this rooftop, but in some other life, in some other time.”
Mark finally turns to you, his eyes searching yours. “But what if we’re just making this up? What if we’re using fate as an excuse to… I don’t know, hold onto something that isn’t real?”
The vulnerability in his voice shakes you. He’s scared, just like you are. Scared of the intensity of it all, scared of what it means to let go. Or to keep holding on.
You take a deep breath, trying to find the right words.
“I don’t know if this is fate, Mark. I don’t know if some invisible thread tied us together, or if we’re just two people who got lucky enough to meet. But maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s not about why we found each other, but what we do with it now.”
Mark looks at you, his lips parting as if to speak, but he hesitates. You can tell he’s turning your words over in his mind, weighing them. “So… what do we do with it? What if I take the job? What if I leave? Does that mean we weren’t meant to be?”
“It doesn’t have to mean anything.” You reach for his hand, your fingers brushing before he laces them with yours. “You taking the job or staying doesn’t erase what we’ve shared. If this is fate, Mark, it’ll find a way to bring us back together. And if it’s not… then I’ll still be grateful for every moment we’ve had.”
“You make it sound so easy. Like letting go wouldn’t completely wreck me.” His grip tightens, and you see his throat bob as he swallows hard.
You smile, but there’s a little sadness to your voice. “Who says letting go has to mean goodbye? Maybe it just means letting the story unfold the way it’s meant to.”
The silence that follows feels heavy but not uncomfortable. You can see the wheels turning in Mark’s mind. He’s thinking, unsure of what to say.
Finally, he exhales a long, shaky breath. “I don’t know if I believe in fate, either. But I believe in you. And I believe in us.”
Your heart skips a beat, but he’s not done yet.
“So… if I stay, it won’t be because I’m afraid of losing whatever this is. It’ll be because I want to keep building it with you. And if I go… it’ll be because I know we’re strong enough to handle the distance.”
Tears prick at your eyes, and you laugh softly, shaking your head. “You always know exactly what to say, don’t you?”
He grins, that familiar smile that’s become so dear to you.
“Not really. I’m just winging it.”
You both laugh, the warmth from your voices cutting through the bittersweetness of the moment. The future feels uncertain, but for the first time, that uncertainty doesn’t feel so scary.
As the last rays of sunlight fade, you rest your head on his shoulder, feeling the steady beat of his heart. Whether it’s fate, luck, or sheer coincidence, you’re here now. And for now, that’s enough.
