my year in lists

henry elwick; writer for the berkhamstead paper

[mortalegends]

Bird, actually. An extinct bird known formally as the dodo. The expression dead as a dodo? Never mind.

How have you been, Elwick?

[hennerselwick]

I could have sworn it was a cactus.

I'm - I'm quite alright. Working hard on the paper. And you?

[mortalegends]

Nothing. As usual, this school seems to be as dead as a raphus cucullatus. ‘Twas a bad attempt at sarcasm.

[hennerselwick]

Raphus cucullatus is a plant right?

[mortalegends]

Well, this is riveting.

[hennerselwick]

What is?

[j-buchanans]

You’d think she and I would get along better, all things considered. I mean, we’ve both tried to sway you to the dark side… to no avail, anyway.

[hennerselwick]

Hadley doesn't get along with anyone. Aside from me, I suppose.

[j-buchanans]

Forgetting to do something and then correcting your mistake hardly counts as evil, Henry. Honestly, it’s as if I’ve taught you nothing over all these years.

[hennerselwick]

Hadley says the same thing.

[j-buchanans]

I’m sure his fly brethren didn’t mind too much, and neither should you.

Exactly my point.

[hennerselwick]

I do quite hope so.

It was still an attempt at evil.

[j-buchanans]

What if he was on his third day? Then you simply gave him a quick and painless death, as opposed to letting him slowly fade into nothingness.

I suppose it counts for something, though I wouldn’t put it past you to have called and told her to add a tip to your bill, though.

[hennerselwick]

That’s a 60% probability. I would have never known. What if he had his whole three days ahead of him?

…. Perhaps I did.

[j-buchanans]

Yes, I’m sure the fly, whose life span lasts all of three days anyway, was so full of regret for all he didn’t get a chance to do- buzzing, flying, vomiting on people’s meals. So many things left unsaid.

But you felt remorse, which indicates you’re not an inherently bad person and that you’ve never intentionally done a bad thing in your life. Case in point.

[hennerselwick]

But he would have lived those three days if I didn't swat him.

Yet, I didn't come back and leave a tip. That has to count for something,

[j-buchanans]

You so are! You can’t squash a fly without apologizing to it.

[hennerselwick]

But it's taking a life! I once left a restaurant without leaving a tip. That's very rude. I felt so terrible right after.

[j-buchanans]

You’re so full of shite, Elwick.

[hennerselwick]

I am absolutely not.

[j-buchanans]

Go for it, then. Really, I’d love to hear them.

[hennerselwick]

I can't name some on the spot. You'll have to give me time to remember.

[nicholastallagay]

Yes, and then some, mate.

[hennerselwick]

And then some what?

[nicholastallagay]

Well, why do you think he wants to meet you for coffee?

[hennerselwick]

Perhaps he finds me interesting and would like to have a wonderful and intelligent conversation with someone.

[nicholastallagay]

Send me in your place instead.

[hennerselwick]

Why would I do that?

[hennerselwick]

The boy who asked for my number finally rang today and asked me if I'd be interested in having coffee with him.

[oliver-sup]

Mate, I’m afraid he wasn’t a writer…

[hennerselwick]

Of course he was! Why does everyone keep insisting he wasn't?

[j-buchanans]

Henry…

Seriously?

[hennerselwick]

I am not too nice. I can give you plenty of instances wherein I was as cruel as the devil himself.