i thought i was gonna be dead before i turn 18 and now im 24 and have no idea what im doing with my life
Peter Solarz
todays bird

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if i look back, i am lost
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EXPECTATIONS
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@her-moon
i thought i was gonna be dead before i turn 18 and now im 24 and have no idea what im doing with my life
She looks like this.
“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.”
— Haruki Murakami
terrifying your own child into submission makes you an abuser.
watching your child cry and screaming at them to stop and invalidating their pain and reasons for crying makes you an abuser.
staring at your child in disgust and contempt after they displease you makes you an abuser.
threatening to your child to take away their basic resources if they don’t give you exactly what you want makes you an abuser.
forcing your child to feel ashamed for not living up to your ideals makes you an abuser.
using slurs, hateful names and insults on your own child without any regard to what it does to their mental health makes you an abuser.
forcing your child to chase impossible expectations and making them feel like they’re worthless for not achieving them makes you an abuser.
acting like your child is a burden and a waste of space and blaming their illness/disability/depression on it makes you an abuser.
behaving like your child will never amount to anything and isn’t worth any resources and nurturing makes you an abuser.
making your child feel like they’re never good enough makes you an abuser.
if your child’s heart is hurting because they know no matter what they do and how hard they try they will always be a failure in your eyes, you are an abuser.
if your child can’t look at themselves without self hatred because they had to look at themselves from your perspective and all they saw is disgust and hatred, you’re an abuser.
If your child is struggling to believe they have the right to live and to be cared and loved, if they can’t stop hearing your hateful voice putting them down and using their every action to prove they’re worthless, you’re an abuser.
If you watched your child in pain and assured them they deserved it, you’re an abuser.
If your child can’t love themselves from how badly you hated them, you’re an abuser.
My home will be a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no name calling, shaming or blackmail. My home will be gentle, it will be warm. It will keep my loved ones safe. No fear, no hurt and no worries.
Spooky foggy Edinburgh. Part 2
(Credit: unknown)
on a scale of one to ten how sad are you.
you almost say seven but the answer floats in your lungs like rising mud. you shift your shoulders. some part of you is already forming an excuse. that it’s not that bad sometimes. one, two, three on a day that the clouds are out. you’re just complaining about stuff. yesterday you laughed past a brick of a four, does that make the brick come down to a two-point-five. the solid seven panic attack of last tuesday feels somehow like a little thorn, just a regular day full of a gentle three-point-nine earthquake rocking after yesterday’s close-to-an-eight. see but if tomorrow you have a real bad day, it will make today look simple.
and what if. what if tomorrow it’s a big old red eight-point-nine. like one of those days where sirens are going off in every part of you but you’re stuck behind a glass window watching it all burn down. like one of those days that your skin against the air feels foreign. like too much of everything. like sitting-in-the-shower, like can’t-eat, like the tide isn’t just coming in, it came while you were sleeping and now you’ve gotta learn how to swim. like bounce me against a bullet hole kind of day.
you keep numbers like nine and ten way out of reach. those are for the people who really are suffering. you’ve got no excuse. nine and ten are funeral numbers, for real problems, not yours, no. and sometimes you’re fine. and you’re kind of used to it. and it’s not sad, it’s just numb like a television caught on static. numb like i can’t remember if i care about this. numb like nothing works but i can’t be bothered to fix it. that’s not sad that’s every day stuff. everybody feels like this, right? feels like they’ve been shut off. right.
maybe five. right in the middle. like not gonna shoot myself but i’m not wasting your time. a nonanswer. like could be worse could be better. like i need help but i don’t want you to worry even though i need someone to worry about me because i can’t worry about myself. maybe five. but what if five is too small. what if five is too big. what if -
“on a scale of one to ten,” he repeats into your silence, and then pauses. “and please be honest about this.”
I want routine with you, I want waking up in a morning to the sun shining or the rain pouring with you, I want home with you, I want late night tv and too much to drink with you, I want slow dancing in our living room, in our house, in our home with you. I want you.
it’s one of those nights again. the kind where you can feel the sadness and anxiety in your stomach. the kind where you want to yell and scream and cry because nothing is okay and you aren’t sure it ever will be. the kind where you stare at your scars, wanting to make more. just to feel something other than this ache. it is nights like this that make me terrified to keep living.
Autumn aesthetic 🍁🎃
the fact that stars exist and we can look at them every single night for free just makes me go !!!!!!!!!!!!