it really is so wonderful how much shane specifically likes penetration and getting fucked like. he literally needs it. it makes me crazy.... Like calm down.... ok you're gonna get ilyas dick take a breather
Jackie and Hayden invite Ilya and Shane to babysit their kids, what could possibly go wrong?
Meetings, a Disney movie and the impracticality of having sex in a canoe
Warnings: Mentions of a sex position
Notes: First of all, I know it probably wasnât a canoe that Eugene and Rapunzel were sat in but it was just the first thing I wrote for the description and Iâm too lazy to change it
Secondly, first HR fic! I previously wrote for The Pitt but I figured iâd try my hand at writing for Ilya and Shane. That being said, the characters are most likely not in character and iâve probably made mistakes despite having read the books and seen most of the show and having done some research. If thereâs anything thatâs incorrect or itâs tagged wrong then please let me know! (Kindly) but otherwise i hope you enjoy this silly little fic i wrote at 3am on a whim
Thirdly: Timeline? Never heard of it but i tried to keep it easy and canon ish
âAre you sure itâs okay?â Hayden questions, opening the door to Shane and Ilya and quickly inviting them in. The house was already chaotic, loud but happy, and it automatically made the boys smile.
âIs okay, Pike. We do it for your wife, mainly.â The Russian replies, shutting the door behind him and toeing off his shoes. âWhere is your better half and kids? The cool uncle is here!â
âArthur decided to spill paint over his shirt, so Jackie is just getting him changed; it shouldnât be too long.â
Shane heads further into the living room, looking around at the mess of toys everywhere and breakfast still out on the kitchen island. The mess was probably the hardest thing about babysitting, but heâd never let it bother him to the point of not being able to see his quote on quote nieces and nephew. Heâd have to clean their own kitchen within an inch of its life when they got home.
âUncle Shane!â Ruby and Jade Pike barrel into his knees, engulfing him in tiny hugs and giggles. âDid you come to play?â
âI told you already, girls, Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya are babysitting you while Dad and I go out. Youâll have the whole afternoon and tomorrow morning with them,â Jackie Pike tells them, holding Arthur on her hip and her purse in the other hand as she comes down the stairs. âWe were just grabbing the last of everything before the little man had an accident; we thought we were set.â
âIs not too late to run away, you know,â Ilya takes the second youngest Pike gremlin away from her arms and swaddles him against his chest, his lips connecting to the childâs forehead briefly. âLeave Pike to look after kids, and we have threesome.â
âRozanov, stop trying to steal my wife!â
Jackie laughs, shouldering her bag. âI think Iâll be okay, but thank you, Iâll keep it in the back of my mind.â
âWhat do you guys have planned for tonight? Anything fun?â Shane was planted on the floor, with both twins surrounding him and excitedly trying to get his attention. âI hope youâre planning on getting protection, you already have 4 kids.â
âFuck off, we just wanna have some fun, okay?â
(âSwear jar!â)
âShane is serious, we wonât babysit anymore if thereâs suddenly Pike child number five.â Ilya looked as serious as he could get, bouncing Arthur and giving Hayden a look.
âTo answer your question, Iâm taking my wife to dinner, and then Iâve booked a hotel that sheâs always wanted to visit. We have a late check out, so weâll probably explore a little without sticky hands and whiny voices and come home, if thatâs alright.â
Shane immediately nods, accepting a drawing that Ruby thrusts into his lap, âOf course, itâs okay. You guys go have fun, weâve got it from here.â
âAmber is still napping. I checked on her while I was upstairs, and sheâs fine, but sheâll be waking up soon,â Jackie informs them, grabbing her own keys to shove into her purse. âThe kids are fed and- alright, the guest room is set up and feel free to have anything in the kitchen. You know where towels, toiletries and such are, and you have our numbers-â
âJacks, honey, itâs time to go,â her husband gently prodded. âTheyâre experts at this, we trust them, right?â
Soon, the Pikes had left, and it was just Ilya, Shane, and 3 out of 4 of the kids.
âDo you still have that meeting?â Rozanov speaks up, settling down next to his husband on the living room floor. âI will look after them while you take it,â
âAre you sure? I was gonna reschedule.â
âMoya lyubovâ,â he sighs. âI handle four children by myself perfectly, I have more stress babysitting the team.â
Shane nods at that, letting out a breathy chuckle. âAlright, but shout me if you need me.â
âDa, will do.â
-
The meeting lasted an hour, and Shane was drained. It was late evening now, and it was suspiciously quiet downstairs. He didnât go down straight away; instead, he answered some urgent emails and messaged some of the team about practice later this week before finally deciding to go and help.
âAh, Mr Hollander finally graces us with his presence!â Ilya was lying on the couch, a Pike child at each side of him and little Amber Pike on his lap. âHow was the meeting? Good?â
âIt went fine. I spoke to the team, and theyâre good to have practice later in the day on Friday, rather than in the early morning; itâll be a good rest.â
âGood, now sit. The twins wanted to introduce me to a Disney movie, Tangled? Doesnât sound very Disney to me.â
âYou think everything sounds wrong,â he says, taking the invitation, though, and immediately Ruby is cuddling against him. âWhen did Amber wake up?â
âHalf hour after you went up, you did not hear?â He smirks at Shaneâs shake of his head. âHearing is getting worse.â
The movie night started innocently enough, but Shane shouldâve known that Ilya, in all his confused Russian glory, would ruin it.
âWhy does the lizard not talk? I thought all Disney animals talk? Maybe they were too cheap,â
âHair is impractical, too long, blehâ
âWhy does she not wear shoes and wear the same dress every day? Has she not heard of style?â
âUncle Ilya, youâre ruining the movie,â Ruby complains after his last comment. âItâs a love story!â
âIs unrealistic, what do your parents let you watch? Actually, no, I trust Jackie, but other Pike? Net,â
âEugene saves the long-lost princess! Itâs romantic!â
Shane watches as his husband shakes his head, rolling his eyes, but ultimately keeps his mouth shut.
Which is something that lasts all but five seconds.
âOkay, boat scene was pretty, but how did they not fall when she scrambled up? Shane and I tried once, very adventurous, and we couldnât even do missionary effectively-â
âOkay! I think itâs time to put on pyjamas!â Shane announces quickly, sending a glare at the Russian and lifting a sleepy Ruby. âThen we can continue the movie and bedtime.â
âWhaâ is mission- mission- what is that?â Jade questions, staring up at the two adults.
âSomething to ask your father, ideally when Shane and I are far away from here.â
-
âI canât believe you,â
âTongue slipped!â
âMentioning a sex position to a bunch of children? I swear youâre trying to send me to an early grave.â
âIs truthful, was being honest.â He argues, âThe rocking was fun, but ineffective.â
âWho even taught you that word?â
âSomeone but that is not the point. The children must learn sometime,â
âIlya-â
âShane.â
They stare for a couple more seconds until Shane groans and turns away, shutting off the light on the bedside table. âJust go to sleep and pray that they donât mention it again.â
âDa, my fingers are crossed.â
-
They managed to get away safely without the mere mention of the previous night, handing the kids back to their parents quickly, and it seemed that the twins had forgotten about it
Or so they thought
Hayden: Hey, so why did my daughter just come up and ask me about a missionary?
Ilya: She knows such big word?
Hayden: Fuck off, answer the question
Shane: Maybe she watched something that she shouldnât have seen
Hayden:âŠ.I know it was you fuckers, but I just cannot prove it