Take an umbrella, it's raining

People say "I love you" all the time, my dear--when they say, "Take an umbrella, it's raining," or, "Hurry back!" or even, "Watch out, you'll break your neck." [Maggie|30|USA|She/her] On Ao3 at users/LavenderProse.

[lavenderprose]

Also. And I promise I'll shut up after this (🤞🏼) the reason Shane likes calling Ilya baby and the reason is pleases Ilya to hear him do it is because they both know it's gender-affirming for Shane. Not that either of them would use that terminology. Because they do not have it. Because they are jocks. But at the core yeah it's gender affirming.

[lavenderprose]

Actually FUCK IT list of times Shane calls Ilya baby:

- Ilya gets a sunburn during the first cottage summer and neither of them realize it until Ilya is taking his shirt off that night and Shane sees the lobster-red flush across his shoulders. He sucks in a hiss through his teeth and says, "Oh, baby, ouch," and presses the big, broad pads of his fingertips so tenderly to Ilya's shoulder and Ilya has to close his eyes because he feels like he's going to crack apart.

- When he answers the phone and he's alone. "Hi baby," said so softly if it's been a long day. Or a hard one. Or if it's late. "Hey baby," more energetically, usually in the morning, in a way that reminds Ilya of how his teammates answer the phone to their girlfriends and wives. Masculine and jockish and very North American in a way that makes Ilya feel pleased for Shane, in a weird way.

- Glass on the floor in the kitchen. Ilya blindly following the sound of the shatter and not really even thinking about it until he's standing amongst the shards and Shane is gesturing frantically with the broom. "Put on some fucking shoes, baby, please! Fuck, where are your slides--no, don't move, I'll get them--"

- Said gently, as a question, on days when he perhaps stays in bed longer than can be justified by sleepiness.

- "Hey, baby," said some mornings when Ilya comes downstairs dressed for the day and Shane really likes his outfit. Usually an indication that Ilya will not be wearing those clothes for very long.

- In bed less often than you'd think. Really a vanilla sex only thing, because being called baby can sometimes bring Ilya out of it when he's really in the groove. But Shane will lose it a little sometimes, when Ilya says, "Tell me you like it," and Shane says, "Yes baby fuck fuck I like it fuck please don't stop fuck baby please let me cum" and that's. Very good. Obviously.

- Said with a very particular warning lilt and only AFTER Shane has already said, "Ilya." and then, "Rozanov." In the same tone. This is actually one of only two circumstances where the very elusive 'babe' comes into play. If Shane REALLY wants Ilya to stop whatever he's doing or saying, it's a hand around the wrist and the word, "Babe," quiet but firm. And it does shut Ilya up approximately 100% of the time.

- Other instance of 'babe': Any sort of crowd. 'Ilya' is three syllables (Because Shane...pronounces it a bit wrong.) and unique enough that Shane sometimes worries about drawing attention. 'Babe' is one syllable and can be barked above the crowd in the Captain Hollander voice loud enough that Ilya will have no choice but to hear him if he's within the surrounding 500 feet. They have Marco-Polo'd themselves back to each other with 'BABE' and 'SHANE' multiple times in multiple countries.

- One time someone accidently brings several bottles of fortified wine to the barbecue. It's quite high proof for wine and several people get tipsier than normal, including Shane. Halfway through the evening he puts his head on Ilya's shoulder and plays with his fingers and murmurs, "My baby," into the seam of his shirt and Ilya, looking down at him so fondly, says, "Yes. Yours. Drink some water for me, sweetheart."

- "YES BABY." Yelled directly in Ilya's face during goal cellies. Obviously. This is also the first thing Ilya hears when the ringing in his ears stops after he scores the game-winning goal in overtime in game seven of the Stanley Cup finals. Knees on the ice, sobbing, screaming, laughing, and his husband barrels towards him at damn near light speed, tackles him, skids onto his knees and sends them sliding along the ice together, knocks Ilya's helmet off and puts his hands on his face and yells Yes baby! Fuck yes, baby! We did it!

[lavenderprose]

Every time one of my fics gets a big influx of comments I get this irrational fear that someone is talking about it on TikTok. Not that I can really control that or stop it or even really complain but like. The idea of people talking about Tin Roof Rusted specifically on TikTok makes me concerned for like. Myself.

[lavenderprose]

I really thought that Ilya calling Shane 'baby' was the height of my hedonistic wish fulfillment but then I discovered Shane calling Ilya 'baby' and well. Well I've got news for you guys. My depravity knows no bounds.

[lavenderprose]

Ilya Rozanov is not real and he cannot fuck you

[lavenderprose]

OKAY but do you guys understand the reference I'm making when I say 'Lays the maddest pipe this side of Lake Michigan' or do you guys just think it's funny. Multiple people have shouted it out and I'm flattered but do you guys think I'm funny AND clever???

[lavenderprose]

I need you guys to walk with me and understand that Ilya and Shane's first fuck as a married couple takes place on the edge of Ilya's bed ("Our bed, Hollander, our marital bed--" "Jesus fucking Christ Ilya--") while Usher Yeah! plays at bone-melting volume from the backyard and guys from three different hockey teams yell the lyrics even louder. Shane realizes that Ilya is inadvertently thrusting to the beat and for one very brilliant second it is the hottest thing ever. The mood is genuinely almost ruined when the song switches to Sweet Caroline. Harris should never be allowed to DJ again.

"SWEET CAROLINE. BUM BUM BUM." - Eleven highly inebriated hockey players and David Hollander, who's having great memories of his own wedding where they played the same song.

"Good times never seemed so good..." - Ilya Rozanov, whisper-singing to himself and completely unaware of it as he rails his husband into next Tuesday.

"Why is this hot. Oh my god why is this hot." - Shane Hollander, who at the age of thirty is still discovering things about himself.

[lavenderprose]

Okay well. Perverts in my phone we're really in it now. You make one post about sex towels and suddenly you're getting ads where people are squeezing hand soap into blankets.

[lavenderprose]

To be clear. Shane's whole thing about Ilya being a Sex God is because of the limerence. Ilya is nineteen and he can get a rhythm going and that's about it. He was throwing shit at the wall when he hit that 'Get on your knees' in Nashville but only he knows that because Shane's brain turned OFF. Ilya said "Let's do a little experiment here" and the results were "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." Shane came hands free because he was that obsessed with the idea of Ilya Rozanov being inside him. Ilya said "Do you like that do you like that" because he's nineteen and he needs the validation and Shane was like "YES YES YES I LIKE IT OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DEEP YOU'RE SO GOOD" and objectively. It was okay. Ilya fully did not know where to put his hands a couple of times. He forgot about Shane's dick. Luckily, Shane is God's special angel who can come from the idea of Ilya's cockhead being in proximity to his prostate a few times. Mind over matter, says Shane Hollander's dick. And then Ilya said "Oh God Hollander" because it was also, objectively, one of the hottest things that had ever happened to HIM, Ilya Rozanov. Shane sits on that step afterwards plotting about how he's gonna get this over and over and over again for the rest of his life and he has no idea that there are women in Boston who have Ilya listed in their contacts as "Hockey Guy 6/10". Shane Hollander cannot fathom a world in which Ilya Rozanov doesn't lay the maddest pipe this side of Lake Michigan. "Ilya Rozanov is a some kind of nineteen year old sex God" No Shane honey he was just designed in a lab to score goals and make you cum and he's done scoring goals for the night.

[lavenderprose]

Computer is broken and I'm pretty sure the last thing I had up on my screen was some part of Shussy Fic so the Geek Squad guy is gonna get an eye full when they fix the screen. Yay.

[lavenderprose]

If Shane was in a band he would be the drummer. Tell me I'm right. Drummers are canonically the most unbothered members of the band which is why Shane's personal drama is so insane to both him and the world at large. Or maybe why they don't suspect anything. Ilya would be lead singer ofc. Lead singer bass guitar. Shane would double dip on keyboard sometimes. Don't ask why I'm thinking these thoughts ❤️ Validate my choices.

[bugslibraryy]

Shane and Ilya being so desperate after time apart (for whatever reason you want this is a horny post) they end up fucking on the floor by the door. Shane on his back legs wrapped around Ilya’s hips, nails digging in in, dragging down hard to leave marks, shaking and gasping into Ilya’s neck grunting about “harder harder need to feel it” like Ilya isn’t currently trying to fuck him through the floor. Then after sprawled out and messy, sweat and cum on them, Shane sprawled on top of Ilya, panting and laughing about the fact Ilya’s suitcase is still by Ilya’s foot, the front door not even fully clicked shut, loosely on the latch. Ilya still has his shoes on. Ilya sees the carpet burn on Shane’s back when they finally make it up to the shower and apologises but Shane is just like hmmm. I don’t mind it and Ilya is like oh you freak- all eyebrows and they are making out again hot and all tongues

[lavenderprose]

HELLO this is a reminder that if you don't mark a bookmark private I CAN see it on my stats and I CAN see what you've commented on the bookmark so please for the LOVE of GOD do not RATE my fics out of five stars unless you are doing it in a PRIVATE bookmark that I will never see. Maybe you think that giving a fic four out of five stars is FLATTERING. It is NOT. It feels too much like a GRADE and I do not want to be GRADED I just want to hear about it if you cried, laughed or came. And what parts of the fic made you do those things. THAT IS IT!! thank you.

[lavenderprose]

Ilya, constantly, at any given function: Shane, do you want some water? Are you very hot? Do you want your little fan? I will hold your jacket. No, nobody can see the sweat. Don't lift your arms. No, it's-- well, it's a little bad, yes. Here, let me--no, I am fanning you--Shane, if you do not want the little fan and you don't want me to--no, you look fine, is just--a little red, yes. Maybe unbutton first--no? Okay, YES THANK YOU WE'RE JUST GOING TO GET SOME AIR AHAHA YES YES--

[lavenderprose]

Stupidest scene I've ever conceived of and will never write is one wherein Shane spirals very hard at the idea of bringing his enema kit with him to Ibiza because of Its Shape (Straight up looks like a cartoon bomb and TSA is very dumb about things like that do not ASK me how I know) and traveling with his thickly-accented husband is already, unfortunately, an ordeal for them both so he doesn't want to bring any more scrutiny onto them. Luckily, anal sex is a top hobby in Ibiza and they easily find a kit there. Shane has done a lot of work on himself and can now almost buy these things without shame. It helps that they are in Spain, where GENUINELY nobody cares about hockey. It does not help that the cashier frowns at him when he puts the package on the counter, glancing between Ilya and Shane like he's angry or...concerned?

Ilya, who clocked the cashier when they walked in the door, takes out his phone and types WE ARE NEWLYWEDS into the translator into Spanish.

The cashier immediately thaws, nods his understanding, and rings up the purchase with no further comment.

"Ilya. Please tell me that cashier didn't think we were going to casually bareback."

Ilya wheezes out his 'silent retreat' laugh. "Yes, baby, that is exactly what he thought."

"...Do I look like I would--"

[lavenderprose]

@gofish05 Enormous brain thank you, I did need to make this its own post however because I do have thoughts about this, namely:

There is no universe in which Yuna Hollander has not, unfortunately, seen her son-in-law's dick.

Hollanov's sex life is extremely active. This is canonical. Even when they are Going Through It in TLG, they are having sex the entire time. I believe at one point Shane puts it in such a way to imply that they aren't talking except to argue but they ARE fucking. I have said before that I believe they would continue fucking even if they divorced. Knowing this, I believe that several things are true:

1. Yuna becomes slowly aware of just how horny her only child is. This is a fire that everyone must jump into, eventually, with their parents/adult children. After the frying pan of child rearing and childhood comes the flames of knowing each other as adults. For every moment sitting in the kitchen hearing the saddest words ever spoken come out like a confession from the mouth of your grown child (Yuna has many of these moments with both Shane and Ilya) there also comes a moment where you realize that your child is a sexual being. It's spiritual payback for when your child sat down one day after having The Talk and realized that you had to fuck to make them.

2. This is how Yuna, God BLESS her soul, finally figures out that despite loving him more than life itself, she HAS failed Shane in a number of ways, chief among them being that she has never given him enough privacy. And yes it IS seeing the fully erect penis of her son-in-law that does it for her. She has a moment soon after the Cottage when she has barged into Shane's house and she's just popping in! Just seeing how things are going! And at no point did she even think to make sure that it's not one of the few precious days that Ilya could make it up from Boston. She comes around the corner of the entryway and there in the kitchen in full daylight is her son bent over the kitchen table and yes, Ilya has put himself in front of him but Ilya is ALSO naked and--it's there. It's out. And Yuna immediately walks back out the door and crouches on the front porch and tries not to die of embarrassment. And when Shane opens the door to her, bright cherry red almost ten minutes later and not making eye contact, she at first wants to be mad. Because that's her son, and it's broad daylight, and the windows are open, and it seems disrespectful to Shane as a person to just DO THAT to him--

And then she realizes that A. She has no right to think like this because it is Shane's house and Shane's boyfriend and she has no real say over the way those two things combine and B. Shane is an adult. Shane, unfortunately (...fortunately? Yuna has always wanted her child to find love and be cherished) probably wanted EXACTLY what was happening.

These are things that Yuna needed to realize and she will recognize this. But it's suuuuper uncomfy when it happens. And it continues to be uncomfy for awhile! She apologizes to them and things are awkward with them (Moreso with Ilya than Shane, to be honest--the man really does look like he wants to be launched into space) but she's learned her lesson, at least somewhat. There are growing pains yet to come with this whole new dynamic, adding Ilya to the family and everything that comes with it. It's a trial by fire but flowers grow in its wake.

3. Yuna sits up in bed for several hours in the dark and then, very suddenly, turns on the light and leans over David and shakes him awake.

"David."

"Was' happ'nin?"

"David. I really am a little worried. I'm sorry, I just can't stop thinking--David, the--the size? And how often are they--is it healthy? Could it--"

"Yuna. Please go to sleep, hon."

"David--"

"He's an adult, Yuna. I'm sure they're careful. Please stop thinking about it. For all our sakes."

[lavenderprose]

Hi baby. Can we talk about your oral fixation post earlier? Please 😚 because I was just thinking a little, you know and maybe Ilya asks Shane softly later that night how he did stop sucking his thumb, when he was little since clearly the fixation never left.

And Shane is all blushy and shy and shut up Ilya and Ilya is like mm no I want to ask, I’d like to know. And Shane shrugs and he’s like I kinda didn’t. Not for a long time. I was too old maybe like eleven? Was only ever at night when if needed to sleep. I guess. And Ilya just hums, combs his hand through hands hair over the back of his head.

“And you stopped?” And Shane is quite quiet. “Got caught once, away game- guy I was rooming with saw and uh- thankfully he wasn’t evil enough to tell everyone but he called me baby the rest of the year and I just. The way he laughed at me. I don’t know” and Shane shrugs and it’s so quiet and Ilya plays with Shane’s ear, tugging and pulling at it. He’s quiet but Shane just knows that means he’s thinking.

His hands keep stroking over Shane’s face soft gentle touches. “Kids can be cruel” Ilyas says and Shane nods. They can. He’s hidden much of himself in the past for the same reason.

“It um. Helped you relax?” Ilya asks and Shane nods.

“Like now, with my cock” Shane slaps Ilya’s side once, open palmed and Ilya just catches his hand, squeezes it.

“Fuck off” Shane huffs and

“No, no- Shane I mean it, like it makes you, happy, calm- I’m not being a pervert. Mostly. But you like it yes? Like my fingers in your mouth hmm?”

And Shane huffs and nods and blushes and then it’s quiet again. Warm in their room, Shane kicks a leg out from under the covers.

Ilya’s hand smooths down the side of his face, fingers drag and then his thumb finds Shane’s bottom lip, rubs at it. Shane keeps his mouth shut the whole back of his neck tingling. Face hot.

He swallows and Ilya’s fingers curl gentle against his flushing cheek.

“If you want” he offers and Shane parts his lips, sucking a Ilya’s thumb into his mouth, on his tongue and between his soft pallet.

Ilya just hums happily, his other hand rubs up and down Shane’s back.

Shane feels struck, still, for a while and they do this al the time during sex, but it’s fleeting and it’s with a focus- to cum- to get off together. This. This is just for Shane. Just Shane’s comfort.

Ilya just keeps running his back and eventually Shane goes softer, looser heavier on Ilya and then his tongue is wet and hot and licking, sucking softly at Ilya’s thumb. His lips are pursed around Ilya’s knuckle, sucking, a little bit of saliva on his lips.

Shane falls asleep in minutes, tears simmering in his eyes, the feeling of being accepted, held. Understood. Like Ilya always did for him.

(Eep sorry if this isn’t ur vibe feel free to leave it here and not put it out but I just had do)

AHHH BUG THIS IS COMPLETELY THE VIBE

I saw this before work this morning and then I had to WORK and I was thinking about it all day ☠️☠️☠️

Ughhh I love it when big bad Ilya is also gentle loverboy Ilya. They are the same person they coexist that man contains all the multitudes. It's soooo hot to him that Shane needs his cock in his mouth on the regular to LIVE but on the flip side, the knowledge of WHY he needs it...the id of it all...the bits of Shane that only Ilya really gets to know because he's hidden and repressed so much over the years.

I absolutely lose it for dynamics that combine sexual and nonsexual intimacy. Cockwarming as comfort, obviously, but also this. There is nothing particularly sexual happening and neither of them is getting off on it but it's an echo of their first sex YEARS ago and they're both aware of it. There's also something to be said for it being vaguely taboo, which is inherently erotic. But then it's also, above all, Ilya offering comfort. Ughhh HUMANS we are all so imperfect and wonderful and wanting and perverted and loving. I'm not making sense

Thank you Bug I love this a lot 🥺🥺🥺