Doc's about four beers in by now. It's just enough to loosen his lips, especially with Etho eating most of the pretzels so Doc can't eat them. Compared to almost any other hermit under these circumstances, Doc seems barely tipsy at most, but, well, it's not like Beef needs him drunk to vent his latest frustrations at the world, he just needs him tipsy enough not to notice he's talking.
"--and I just don't understand why people are so surprised, man. You--you all have teased me too much to be surprised!" Doc is saying. "Ren laughed at me. Laughed!"
He also, for the record, seems to need to complain about... apparently his husband? Which is new. Beef had been surprised. He's not going to say so, yet, because this is Doc's very belated NHO bachelor party--can they call it that when it's more "sitting around a TV drinking, eating snacks, and not doing anything because they're all too old to be partying", and when Doc is very clearly not a bachelor?--and that would be rude.
"That dog," Bdubs says loyally. "I can kill him for you. I'm the judge so I wouldn't get arrested and I'd make sure you get all his money as a widow."
"No, you can't kill him, man, I still need him for tax benefits!"
"What taxes?" Etho asks, sounding vaguely panicked.
Everyone stops to consider this.
"Beneficial ones," Doc finally says.
"I don't think that's what--I think you're misunderstanding your English again," Beef says.
"No, I'm always right," Doc says.
They sit in companionable silence for a few moments. Someone shouts on TV. The show is in Swedish. Beef has no idea what's happening. He's honestly just kind of waiting for someone else to notice.
"It's just. I don't get it, man! Why are you all acting so surprised I called Ren my husband? You! You all know me!" Doc says, somewhere between accusing and despairing, and hm, maybe these beers were higher alcohol content than normal, if he's already on despairing? "Ren and I have been--after season eight, making it official, it is only a natural thing, yes? But we had--he's asked to have my puppies. You've heard him say our babies would be beautiful."
"That dog," Bdubs says loyally again, this time in a much more suggestive tone.
"More than once," mutters Etho.
"It's not--I mean, we all knew you and Ren were... how do I put this?" Beef says. "It's not surprising that you two are. Er. Help me out here."
"EXCUSE YOU?" Bdubs says, scandalized.
"Yeah. Boning," Beef says. "Doing the horizontal tango. Probably some vertical ones too. I mean, you're definitely into some things--"
"Fighting dragons," Etho dryly adds.
"THAT WAS STILL GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE," Bdubs shouts, apparently over being scandalized and moving straight to offense.
"Two seasons later? Man, you just wanted to wring as much alimony out of me as possible," Doc says immediately.
"And? I'm a judge now, I know these things."
"My point," Beef says, before they can start arguing again, or before Etho can point out that they hadn't ever really been married to get divorced in the first place. "My point. We, uh, all knew you two had a thing. It's just, uh, marriage is... different! It's different, and--"
"You didn't INVITE ME TO THE WEDDING!" Etho says, finally unable to hold it in. "Whyyyyyyyyy? Doc, I thought we were friends! I thought we were friends, Doc! I wanted to go to the wedding!"
"It, it was a little thing," Doc says. "A common law marriage as much as--"
"Hey, wait, why didn't I officiate it, huh?" Bdubs says.
"That's not fair, you can't be mad at me for not inviting you to the wedding, the moon had just exploded!" Doc says.
"Yeah, well, I exploded too and I still would have shown up," Bdubs says.
"I don't remember an explosion?" Beef says.
"Wait, the moon did something?" Etho says.
"Focus," Beef says. "Look. Doc. Also, love you man, but I always figured that if anyone was going to propose, it was going to be Ren."
Doc scoffs. "Clearly you don't know my husband, then."
Everyone waits for him to elaborate. Ren, after all, is the one known for dramatic emotional appeals. While Doc is equally dramatic--that's why Beef is throwing a bachelor party for the great fit as opposed to off showing him that Big Salmon can still show someone how to sleep with fishes--he's not exactly great at emotions. Surely, he will elaborate on why Ren would never be the one to propose between the two of them.
"Anyway, I think it's been obvious for, for years, and you all are morons, and--why is the TV in Swedish?"
"THANK YOU!" Bdubs says. "I thought it would be rude to point out."
"Oh, I like it, though," Etho says as Doc changes the channel to a home improvement show. Yeah, sure. Fits the vibes of this bachelor party as much as anything else. Beef grabs another beer. He pauses.
"Wait, you said a common law marriage. That means you haven't actually had a wedding yet, right?"
Beef considers being reasonable, and then he lets it go.
"Dibs on planning it," he says.
"WHAT?" Bdubs says, rounding on Beef.
"I--hey, I didn't agree to this!" Doc says, as Beef begins negotiations with Bdubs. Etho laughs, louder than he normally does, and throws an arm around Doc.
"Let it happen, man. Let it happen."
It's a good party, and a good night.
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