mini meta because i cant get this fucking scene out of my brain:
its one of my fav Alluka scenes because its a sneak peek into her frankly miraculous emotional intelligence that simultaneously contextualizes it. She's still a little kid. Alluka is a smart cookie who can properly recognize and identify what people are feeling, can generally guess why they're feeling it, and get an idea of what would make them happy. But that "feeling" is hate for her, and what would make them happy is her disappearing. Really heartbreaking.
but the way Killua responds is also pretty fascinating to me? like, he pivots so fucking hard LOL. And I get it, it's such a loaded question. Would the Zoldycks be happier if Alluka was gone? Realistically, the answer is no... but admitting that would require a self-awareness about his family and his abuse Killua doesn't have yet. He probably doesn't even know how to answer, doesn't know what the answer even is.
So instead of digging into that can of worms, Killua cocks his own shotgun and fires back another loaded question: "If I were the only one who loved you in the whole world... would that make you sad?"
There were like a dozen other, much safer ways to both avoid this question and comfort Alluka. It's not even a full dodge, it's directly related to Alluka's fear via implication (the rest of the family doesn't love you). And it's not like Killua hasn't verbally weaseled his way out of tougher conversations. So... why?
I'm gonna try to truncate my full thoughts because I literally have a WIP 5k+ meta about it and I don't want to go down that rabbit hole, but Killua projects onto Alluka and Nanika a lot in this arc. Keeping that in mind, I think this question is his best, most earnest way of comforting Alluka because this train of thought is what's comforted him in the past.
I mean, think about it. Someone who will love and accept you no matter who you are or what you've done? Just one person who doesn't care? He's putting himself in the position of Alluka's Gon-figure here. And if you buy into that, the followup—"I'll always be there for you. Don't worry about anyone else"—reveals how a portion of his subconscious saw his emotionally dependent relationship with Gon as well; that is, as a comforting means to psychologically avoid confronting harder questions about himself, his upbringing, or how other people view him. It's kind of no coincidence that the minute Gon is wholly and totally incapacitated and Killua starts mucking around with the revolutionary idea of boundaries, he immediately starts thinking about his family again (in some manner).
And as an indulgent aside, I want to point out that when he ends up sending Nanika—who is, unlike Alluka, a subject of Killua's darker and more self-hating projections—away and Alluka fights back instead of internalizing it, Killua immediately recognizes the irrationality...
...because it breaks the mirror.
anyway. squeezes and shakes them like squeaky toys
The stars above them are a glittering mess, held aloft with brightness. Killua sighs out through his mouth, watching the distant horizon across from where they stand, and then glances at Gon, beside him, staring at the stars while Killua just watches Gon; Killua's mouth goes dry.
"It's so pretty," Gon says in awe, his voice soft and floaty. The energy in them has already died for the day, and all they have left is this moment, together. In Gon's eyes, the stars glint.
"Yeah," Killua breathes, watching the stars' reflection.
Gon looks at him, and Killua can't say anything more. "Killua," Gon says, smiling. "Give me your hand?"
"Huh—what?" Killua's heart leaps.
"Your hand." Gon holds out his own. "I want to hold hands."
Killua can feel his face heat up, red-hot blood rushing in his ears. Still—it's the perfect moment. He doesn't want to regret not doing this, because he loves Gon. Neither of them have said it, but they both fell into the pattern of affection like this, slowly through the years becoming more able to just ask, no matter what they're doing. Killua likes to spend their days with his head against Gon's shoulder.
Meanwhile, Gon likes to do things like this. It's only fair, given how much Killua likes to cling to Gon when he doesn't feel too embarrassed to.
If they were in public, maybe Killua would turn his head away. But today, the sky's light illuminates Gon's face and shows how he shares a slight blush with Killua. Killua's heart beats faster, but he reaches out, gently putting his palm against Gon's.
"You're weird, you know that?" Killua says. He doesn't take his eyes off Gon.
"I know." Gon grins. "But you like me anyway."
Killua scoffs, but doesn't deny it. He's never been able to get the words out—never been able to tell Gon that the way they like each other might be different. But that's okay; Gon loves him either way, and they've loved each other for so, so long. This is something that's not easily broken. Killua has adored Gon from the start, and its shape has only become solidified now.
Killua leans against Gon, resting his head against Gon's. Gon hums in a way that sounds pleased, happy. Their fingers interlock, and Gon swings their arms slightly.
"It really is beautiful," Gon says.
Killua smiles. "Yeah, it sure is." He pauses. "I think the only reason I like it so much is because of you, though." He'd much rather see the stars with Gon than see them alone.
"Oh, really?"
"Well, it's good either way," Killua says. The stars are so bright here, without all the lights below them, and the horizon is calm. Something mysterious here is supposed to exaggerate the light, and Killua sees its effects so clearly, how the stars are enough to break through the floating clouds. "It's just… being here with you makes it different. You see it differently than I can. And," he adds, warmed from the inside out, "you're bright too."
Gon laughs. "So are you," he says, turning his head toward Killua. "But I guess that explains—you know."
"I don't know, actually."
"You were staring at me." Gon's expression is thoughtful, fond. "What were you thinking about?"
"The stars," Killua says easily. "Everything is really clear to look at right here. So I could look at you and see them in your—never mind, this is embarrassing." Killua pulls his face away from Gon's, suddenly feeling too close to him, but their hands stay together.
Gon grins, tugging lightly on their joined hands. "Okay, Killua. But you shouldn't get embarrassed."
"I'll be as embarrassed as I want to be," Killua says, just to be contrary. "It's not like you don't do these things and take me to these places expecting me to get embarrassed."
Adoration is shining in Gon's smile. "Yeah, because it's fun."
"Fun for you. Not for me."
"Stop lying, Killua," Gon gives him an exaggerated pout. "If you didn't want to come, you could've just said so."
It would be so easy to respond with a joke—to look at the sky and say that Gon drags him everywhere. Except, they both know that's not true. Killua suggests just as many places to go, but he'll always drop everything else to stay with Gon.
Killua takes a breath. "I'd go anywhere with you," he says, even though he's burning with a flush.
It's worth it to see Gon glow equally red.
The silence grows around them again, but this time they don't look away from each other. Gon really is pretty, especially in this moment. "I would too," he says, and his eyes grow soft and happy.
Thinking about the Freecss family and losing my mind. A lineage of selfishness, a family of people who leave and are left behind.
Ging's father disappeared at sea, Mito's parents left the island only to die unexpectedly, Ging's famous abandonment, even further then that Don Freecs disappeared on the same quest Ging did 300 years ago. A 300 year old legacy.
Ging is who we see clearly abandon others, hides from friends and family alike and chases what he wants selfishly, but it's not just him.
Mito playing on the island as a kid, hiding away as Abe describes it "like she didn't want to be found,". Mito lies to Gon first about his parents' death, then again saying that Ging wanted to abandon Gon. She selfishly tries to steer Gon away, limit and box him so he can't abandon her too.
Mito abandoned Ging in a way too, didn't she? She'd been hurt from him leaving, so she tells him to never come back. She took what was supposed to be her babysitting Gon until Ging returns and tells Ging no, I'm not letting you abandon us again, I'm cutting you off first. She gets custody of Gon and tells Ging to never come back. The cycle of the abandoned becoming the abandoner.
Gon, of course, is the fresh blood in this cycle. He is abandoned by Ging, then abandons his home. His selfishness grows on his journey and hits a tipping point with Kite. He left Kite to die, so he should die too. Tunnel vision blocks out the fact that his death would mean abandoning Mito. Abandoning Killua.
"He's my son after all." Ging said and it must make you wonder, did Ging think the same of his father? Is that the weight the name Freeccs carries for its holders?
"Maybe I wasn't made to be a son" Gon said after returning to Whale island. It feels like a way of answering that question with no, to be a Freeccs does not mean you have to abandon and be selfish. Gon was not made to be Ging's son, after all, he came home didn't he?
So, I was reading that ask about why Killua pushed Gon away in chapter 231, and the part where you said, 'It’s actually part of a larger pattern we see with Killua’s behavior towards Gon, where he decides to “protect” him by leaving him out of things and not giving him the full context of what’s happening,' really made so much sense to me for other moments between them! Do you think there's a connection to why Killua leaves in the end and doesn't tell Gon the full extent of what had hurt him?
+ in addition to my ask about that chapter (you can paste them together! character limit), I wonder if this behavior plays a role in how short and abrupt the separation was. Maybe it was time to let each other go for a while because Killua still don't know how to deliver the full context of his broken heart to Gon, and Gon knows better than push him to say it as he's still processing what he did and doesn't feel worthy of Killua's presence (Gon has never had a huge self-esteem to begin with)
Hello anon! Thank you for the thought-provoking messages--I love having conversations with people about the specifics of what happened between Gon and Killua because there's just so much to unpack there. Even after all the years I've spent in this fandom I still feel like there's always more to untangle.
Also, anon is referencing this post.
Killua sometimes hides things from Gon to protect him from other people or situations (or, in many cases, how he thinks Gon will react to those people/situations)--but he also hides things from Gon about his own internal thoughts and feelings for a few reasons that all blend into each other.
Most simply, Killua's upbringing actively tried to get him to suppress his feelings. While of course this failed to a certain degree, being raised in an environment where sharing feelings and even having feelings was actively discouraged is not an easy thing to unravel. This makes it exceptionally difficult for him to share his deep feelings and vulnerabilities and directly express his love--aside from in acts of service, which seems to be the only acceptable Zoldyck love language, essentially. He was always appreciated at home for what he did and not who he is, which is why he gets so flustered when Gon compliments him simply for being himself.
As the series goes on, Killua is increasingly fearful (as a result of the situations with Kite and Palm and not winning against Shoot due to the needle) that he'll lose his place at Gon's side or that Gon will confirm that Killua isn't as important to him as Gon is to him, so that makes it difficult for Killua to take any risks as far as how vulnerable he is with Gon. Because so much of his self-esteem hinges on how useful he is to Gon, the thought of being pushed away is terrifying to him. This makes his courage in standing up to Gon when Gon confronted Pitou exceptionally meaningful, and especially when his worst fears play out as a result--Gon does actually push him away, and then tries to throw his own life away as penance for what happened to Kite.
Killua views himself to a certain degree as essentially the shadow to Gon's light. Killua isn't even sure he deserves to be with Gon. He sees himself as someone who has been tainted by his upbringing, by his history of running from difficult opponents, etc. So, he thinks he needs to protect Gon in not just a literal sense but also a metaphorical sense--to make sure Gon doesn't end up like him. He knows Gon isn't "normal" either, but he sees Gon as someone who can lead him out of the darkness into living a more normal life, like he wants. But in order for this dynamic to continue, Killua puts himself in a role where he has to keep Gon from being tainted by the world, and also to a certain degree, from being tainted by himself and what he's been through. Of course, Gon's mental state ends up falling apart regardless with what happens and Killua is forced to confront that Gon isn't a pure being of light, but another traumatized boy who ended up in situations he couldn't handle. Killua feels partly responsible for what happened to Gon as well, because he fled from Kite with Gon, and because he couldn't change Gon's self-destructive course.
I absolutely think these tendencies play into why they have to separate, and why the separation is so brief. I don't think Killua is ready to open up and tell Gon the full extent of how he feels and how much both seeing Gon self-destruct and being pushed away hurt him. Even though Gon survived because of Nanika, Killua essentially watched him commit suicide. Of course he needs time to process that. Plus there are external factors that make the separation necessary (Alluka/Nanika, Illumi pursuing them). This post is important reading on the separation, as it affected my view of what happened between them.
Gon knows he hurt Killua deeply, and like you said I don't think he wants to push Killua into talking more about it after what happened. I'm sure they had some sort of conversation between Gon waking up and their parting that we didn't see, but I doubt it was a conversation where they delved deeply into the issues between them. I think Gon likely apologized, forcefully and wholeheartedly, but not in a way that had a complete enough understanding of what happened/what hurt Killua for it to be what they need.
It always boils down to the two of them loving each other but essentially feeling they don't deserve the other due to their own self-esteem issues.
I also think it was brief out of necessity--they didn't want to leave each other, clearly, so to drag it out risks them not being able to let each other go.
As I've said before, as much as the issues between them are deep, I have a lot of faith that they will end up reuniting and reconciling and having a better relationship in the future. The separation gives them both some space to think about what went wrong and why, and to figure out who they are individually and what kind of relationship they want to have in the future. They both need some time to mature and understand themselves better in order to reach that point.
does ikalgo have deeper significance to killua's character? i get that hes like a new friend for killua but why does it feel like he was portrayed so importantly to killua's character during caa? its like theres a deeper meaning, why did killua go out his way just to save ikalgo from those two chimera ants when they entered the building? and why did he look so hesitant? he had thoughts that said "what am i doing..? why the hell am i going the opposite direction?" or something like that. idk it just feels like togashi was implying something abt killua there but i cant figure out what that is. do u have an idea?
Hello! This is a great question!
Ikalgo's friendship with Killua is vital both to Killua's development and also to Chimera Ant arc as a whole! I can explain that significance.
Throughout much of the series, Killua tags along with Gon and primarily focuses on him. He befriends other people, certainly, but he generally does this through Gon--it's not like he's going out of his way to make these friends on his own.
In Chimera Ant Arc, the connection between Gon and Killua gets somewhat disrupted by the events that happen, and Gon's focus shifts primarily to saving Kite and his revenge on Pitou, leaving Killua to worry and feel somewhat left behind and helpless (partly as a result of the the Palm situation as well).
When Killua splits off from Gon to try and save civilians, he meets and a battles an enemy at the time, Ikalgo.
During their fight, Killua gives Ikalgo a choice: Either sell out his friends by revealing their nen powers, or die. Ikalgo chooses to die rather than betraying his friends, and Killua is able to relate to this loyalty. He spare's Ikalgo's life and tells Ikalgo that if they'd met another way, maybe they could have been friends.
Killua's kindness in empathizing with Ikalgo and sparing him is the only thing that saves his life later when he's bleeding out from the needlefish darts. Had Killua not extended that mercy and said those kind words to Ikalgo, Ikalgo would not have saved him, and he would have died.
It's interesting/neat how the scene right after Ikalgo saving Killua from the needlefish involves Gon having his own encounter with another friendly Chimera Ant, and the tone of their conversation is quite a bit different:
Contrast is so important in Chimera Ant Arc!
Anyway, when Killua shows Ikalgo mercy, makes it clear that they're friends now, and invites him to come along and be part of the human side of the war, he essentially becomes to Ikalgo what Gon has been to him: Someone who represents light, and who represents a path forward to a better life. In this arc, Killua worries that he doesn't deserve a place at Gon's side, but at the same time here he extends the same kind of light and hope that Gon gave him to someone else.
As for the scene where Killua breaks off away from Gon in the Palace Invasion in order to protect Ikalgo, this continues to show Killua's world expanding outside of Gon. Notice how in this page, it clearly shows Killua leaving Gon behind--they have their backs to each other, which is a frequent image in this arc. His mission was to protect Gon and make sure Gon could complete his revenge against Pitou, so deviating from that mission is both shocking to him, and potentially dangerous, but it shows that he's starting to protect and care for others as well as Gon.
Now, I want to be clear that I see this as a positive step for Killua. At this point in the series, Killua had made Gon his entire reason for living, essentially, and him going outside of that and making other friends and protecting and caring about them is a vital step for his character. It's showing that he's becoming a more expansive, mature person who can care for multiple people (or ants) at once rather than centering his entire existence and sense of self around one person. He made this action as quickly and efficiently as possible so he could get back to Gon's side, but he did go out of his way and leave Gon behind momentarily, and even he is surprised by this.
And while obviously I adore his nearly single-minded love and devotion for Gon, with what happens between them in this arc he needs to have others in his life besides Gon, and it's part of his transition into also being the light for Alluka and Nanika. It's a result of Killua's own innate kindness and empathy and the choice he made to leave his previous life behind, but also, he was able to reach this point partly because Gon showed him the love and encouragement he needed to become the person he is.
Now, as for Ikalgo's role in the arc as a whole: He's part of a chain of kindness and mercy that ends up changing the entire outcome of the Chimera Ant arc. This post puts it incredibly well. The chain of kindness started at the beginning of the series, with Gon befriending and rescuing Killua in spite of his background, which then eventually leads to Killua sparing Ikalgo (who then saves Killua right back), and then Ikalgo sparing Welfin, and then Welfin giving Meruem Komugi's name so that they got to be together in the end. Ikalgo shows the consequences of Killua's kindness, which are also the consequences of Gon's kindness, in part.
A major theme of the series and of Chimera Ant arc is that love and kindness are transformative, and Ikalgo has such an important role in demonstrating that theme.
Gon and Killua's relationship is so. Here is Killua's first friend and he is light itself and Killua hates himself in comparison to him. Here is Gon's first friend his age and being with him reminds Gon that the journey should be fun and they should be kids. Gon doesn't know that Killua hates himself in comparison, he just sees Killua as a friend who gets flustered and shuts down at compliments--but he doesn't know why, he doesn't REALLY understand the lack of love Killua has had his whole life.
When it comes to how Gon sees Killua, it's easy to forget how much Gon doesn't know... He knew Illumi, he knew "I want to be friends with Gon" and he knew Illumi's reaction to that ("you are incapable of friendship") but he doesn't linger on it. There's an anger and protectiveness that lights Gon up from within even that first time he saves Killua, a part of this radiance that Killua clings to and also believes he's not allowed to have near him. This love, this familiarity, Illumi's promise of betrayal that Killua and Gon are both aware of but which Gon has stopped seeing as important, it's something that Gon has accepted. He doesn't think about it, because why should he? Killua is with GON now, they're friends now, they don't have to think about the fact that Killua used to be told he was incapable of that.
(And to a degree, this is part of Gon's emotional repression technique to dealing with problems he can't immediately rush down and Fix, and he won't think about that until it snowballs into something unignorable.)
And Gon loves Killua and feels safe with him, and he protected Killua from his family. That's not to say he isn't aware that the Zoldycks are still dangerous, or even that Killua doesn't still have effects of them raising him, but Killua never shows that to Gon. He never talks about Illumi's voice in his head or the idea of betraying his friends. He hides his habit of running. And, when Gon sees it in action, when Killua knocks him out and runs and Kite dies, Gon accepts it because Killua's agency is important to him, because Gon expects (perhaps unfairly, but he's also. 12. He's allowed to be a little dumb) for Killua to protect Gon, because if there's anyone who can stop Gon it's Killua. He lends Killua his back--he trusts Killua to watch for danger and things Gon can't do. He trusts Killua even to knock him out and run. He won't blame Killua for being (in Killua's own eyes, and the eyes of the adults) a coward.
This is the acceptance that makes Gon bright to Killua, but it's also something so profound about Gon trusting someone this much, not immediately rushing ahead and wanting to do his own thing and being stubborn about it to the point of anger at Killua. It's easy to forget how much Gon trusts Killua, even when he pushes him away and hurts him during the confrontation with Pitou. Even then, Gon stopped for him! Even though it hurts, even when he's spiraling, even though he was leaking aura, he stopped.
Because Killua is still Gon's friend. Even though (from Gon's POV) Killua has no idea the emotional weight of this--even though fighting Pitou was Gon's responsibility, not Killua's--Gon still listened. And then he makes sure that he's going to head forward alone, because in that moment he can't stand how calm Killua is being. How Killua could give forgiveness for what Pitou is doing to Komugi, because--like with Illumi--an injustice has been committed and something must be done. Can't Killua see that?
This is the thing; Gon has given his acceptance of Killua in full. He has given no such thing to Pitou. I don't think this is that weird, Gon is still forming his morals and to him Killua is! his friend!!! He loves Killua!!! He wants him by his side, an unspoken wish for him to come with him in the palace invasion!!! But there's always been a way out for Killua, the knowledge that Gon met Kite first, that Kite gave him his dream and this isn't Killua's fight. But Gon fails to see that where he put Kite on a pedestal that's only driving Gon deeper down, Killua has put Gon on a similar pedestal. They're hurting each other and Gon never meant for Killua to get in this deep; he must know that Killua is here for him and not Kite, but there's no way he knows just how much Killua sees in him. He just doesn't know, doesn't realize, doesn't think about how important he is to Killua. In some small way, Gon sees this friendship onesided, just like Killua does.
can we discuss how miserable killua (probably) is after leaving gon? even despise having a will to live for himself and gaining his sisters back
he broke out of a severely co-dependent relationship, with literally no long term goals, no one to blame, and years and YEARS of unresolved trauma. and thats not even bringing up the guilt still resting after the chimera ants, not being able to save gon and having to see him like that? yikes all the way
breaking out of a co-dependant relationship is painful, i think its the worst. gon was actually his everything, his light, for 2-3 years straight. this is after having nothing at all, nd now he has to leave that to b healthy. even js that knowledge is horrible, the one thing u want is whats bad for u? oh my god
killua also has nothing to look foward to, he has nanika and alluka, but thats so short term is it not? ☹️ hes 14-15 he has his entire life still waiting to be lived, what the hell is he gonna do.
and touching on the no one to blame, he has been shown to internalize a lot of faults even if they arent even within his control. he KNOWS its for the better to leave gon, but what do u think he thinks gons reason is? is he going to be logical and understand gons in the same boat, or is he going to stay stuck in this mindset that hes not enough and thats why gon allowed him to leave. i think the ladder is definitely more likely.
i dont think i need to comment on the trauma, but i will anyways :3 how is he gonna resolve this, he did a bit by proving he is capable of not only being loved but also just the action of loving someone. he also broke out of illumis control, huge step, but theres so much more. how is he gonna resolve this? this was an issue whether he was with or without gon, he does have his sisters to help luckily but yk its gonna b painful without ur best friend by ur side :/
and oh my god the guilt over gon overall, killua made it his like, life mission to protect gon, or else he deemed himself useless. then gon not only almost fucking dies, he looses his nen. of course guilt is gonna b an issue. but then they separate, oh god is killua gonna be worried. both gon and killua have made a lot of development, but theyre both still going to go back to the habits they had while they were together, thats why its so detrimental that they separate! healing is just as, if not more painful than being in that situation in the first place for killua. he has to deal with the worry over gons safety as well as push through instead of protecting him, because he cant.
i just hope we can see gon and killua together again, but healthier. they really do need eachother, but not in a codependent way more in a, the stars only allign when theyre with one another if theyre apart everything is at risk of crumbling, way :)
((this ended up being a lot longer than i thought it would be so please bear with me!! and tbh i could talk about this for another couple thousand words but at that point it would just be an essay..))
So as we know togashi doesn’t throw random characters into significant plot points without a purpose. an example of this is palm. Palm is talked about a lot in the sense that she’s pretty problematic and pedophilic, and I completely agree with that. The next question is why? Why did togashi make the conscious decision to make her feelings towards gon romantic? Unlike hisoka’s creepiness towards gon, palm’s doesnt serve as any sort of motivator or large plot point for him. So, then, the answer is that palm was put in the story as a catalyst for killua’s breakdown.
Now, togashi could have very easily made palm get a long really well with gon in a platonic way and still dislike killua. It’s really likely killua still would have gotten jealous of palm if her relationship to gon was not romantic. So, Togashi made the conscious decision to make killua jealous of someone with romantic feelings towards gon. He purposefully and obviously made this distinction.
One thing to note is this interaction with palm which occurs in the scene directly after the “you are light” scene we all know so well:
Palm is talking to gon and killua and says this, while she’s gushing about knov:
“I only admire him. It’s not love…
Or anything… but I’m not certain of that either…… but isn’t it important to be able to respect someone you love? Oh, of course I haven’t told him any of this, and I don’t plan to…”
Then she turns to killua, looks him right in the eyes (this panel just includes the two of them), and says “…though you never know, right? Love is something that just /happens/ don’t you think?”
Killua immediately changes the subject to something else and this isn’t addressed.
Alright, so galaxy brain togashi would not add this scene in for no reason, ESPECIALLY right after such an emotionally intense scene of killua admiring gon. If it has no significance it’s just empty dialogue and doesn’t help to progress the plot or any kind of character development, which is not something togashi does often.
It begins to set up killua’s intense devotion to gon during the chimera ant arc, and his subsequent break down, in fact, I would say that palm is the one thing that pushes him over the edge.
it’s interesting to note that the specific point in which killua completely loses it is when he encounters palm in the castle while fighting the ants, and says to palm about gon that: “nobody else… can reach him” and goes on to sob about how he can’t save him, that it has to be palm.
Palm is obviously shocked by this because to gon, his relationship to her is simply friendship or allies, regardless of how palm feels. What ultimately snaps her out of the chimera ant control is realizing just how much killua cares about gon. this so clearly goes beyond jealousy over a friendship, (and always did), it reaches so far into the territory of romantic jealousy that it’s almost even more than that. What I’m saying is that togashi set this all up from the very beginning of the arc, he created palm’s character and her romantic feelings towards gon to pinpoint EXACTLY how killua feels about him, and just how goddamn important gon is to him.
It’s not a subtle narrative technique, but togashi doesn’t come out and say it either. Imo this is just spot on characterization because killua is still just a kid and doesn’t really know what love or romance is on a personal level, not to mention these feelings are towards his male best friend.
Killua’s other break down in the chimera ant art, which comes before the one involving palm, is when he fights that rabbit chimera ant (who looks exactly like hisoka hmm) and removes illumi’s needle. What allows him to do this is his extreme and all consuming desire to protect gon. The whole scene is a mash of panels of killua and gon together since the beginning of the series. Killua repeats in this sequence, over and over again, how gon is his best friend, his closest friend, his dearest friend. He repeats it so much that it begins to feel like he’s saying it frantically to convince himself that that’s all it is, he’s my closest friend I’ve ever had that’s why I feel so intensely, it’s nothing more.
after he get’s illumi’s needle out of his head, he gets so much calmer in his resolve to protect gon with his life. He seems to have pushed all of these conflicting feelings and confusion to the back of his mind, at least until his breakdown in front of palm. And that’s exactly why togashi consciously decided to characterize palm the way he did.
I’ve been meaning to write meta about Palm and how interesting I find Togashi’s choices regarding her, and you covered a good part of what I was wanting to say!
Coming from just a slightly different angle but along the exact same lines, I think it’s telling that Togashi intentionally made Palm:
- Much older than Gon (and yes, this makes things creepy, but also makes it clear that this potential relationship is not healthy for either character)
- Obviously mentally unstable and obsessive
- Gave her another love interest (of an appropriate age) to switch back to obsessing on when things didn’t work out with Gon
What those three things say to me is that Togashi does not want Palm to be a viable romantic option for Gon. He wants that to be 100% clear to the readers, and I believe he constructed Palm as a character with that in mind.
He very, very easily could’ve just invented a girl character Gon’s age who has a crush on Gon, and I think that’s the kind of thing many mangaka in this situation would choose to do, but Palm’s role from the start is to emphasize and explore the nature of Killua’s feelings towards Gon, and Togashi wants his readers to keep their focus on Killua. He doesn’t want his readers to start rooting for this female character and Gon to work out or to even consider it as a real option. So he creates Palm with a framework that, yes, is creepy and weird, but that’s the point. The spotlight is supposed to be on how Killua feels, with Palm’s feelings being sort of a foil and reflection to get the readers thinking about the exact nature of Killua’s feelings.
If you take his framing decisions about Palm along with other decisions he makes–especially in Chimera Ant arc, especially things like the shinjuu/lover’s suicide comment–I think it’s fairly clear that he’s planting the idea of Killua’s feelings towards Gon being romantic in nature. He constructed this subtext intentionally, and he wants his readers to notice it.
Bringing this back again, both for all of OP’s good points and because I think my addition is a simple, clear way of explaining that even just the way Togashi sets up Palm as a character is intentional and thoughtful. In fact, his choices with her don’t make a whole lot of sense unless you view them in this light–and then all the sudden, voila, it makes perfect sense why he did things this way! Especially with how the entire subplot then unfolds. It all leads up to how much Gon means to Killua (the needle scene) and how much Killua means to Gon (Palm reminding Killua that he’s the only one who can bring Gon back from the brink).
how destiny's child emotion and killugon are post-separation parallels; a very, very long analysis i wrote in 2h
hi! im danaë, an autistic person which sp-in with psychology and hxh, mainly killugon. i spent two hours yesterday writing about this topic instead of sleeping so enjoy it lol
WARNING!! if you didn't notice THEY'RE LOVE INTERESTS. this text isn't killugon-free, im proud of it AND im blocking everyone that cries about them being only besties. respectfully, no. thank you. (also, english isn't my first language. sorry for any eventual spelling mistakes!)
right on the first verse we hear "it's over and done / but the heartache lives on the inside / and who are you clinging to instead of me tonight?". this could apply to both gon and killua.
gon & "and who are you clinging to instead of me tonight?". killua left with alluka, he has someone to care about and protect. he has company. gon isn't the type to be jealous of a little girl (really, people need to wake up about it. he isn't), but he IS the type to be sad about not being cared even if he denies it. he's a kid; every kid likes to feel protected.
but the thing is, killua isn't happy about it neither. even if he loves to protect alluka, it's different. he loves her, of course, but there's the lack of the warmth of being mutually cared because gon ALSO cared about his well-being (and im fighting everyone who says he didn't). im not saying alluka won't care for killua, but she'll care like a little sister does, not how someone that love you romantically does — and that's good because killua would NOT be able to make it if anyone tried to be the tiniest bit of what gon was when they parted ways.
and then comes this: "and where are you now? / now that I need you? / tears on my pillow / wherever you go, go". oh, dude. this is so killugon i feel ashamed of trying to explain to hxh community /hj
they both were constantly hurting from being away, even though this was the best for them at the time. they wanted each other to be near, wanted and needed, but they couldn't. there is this thin and fragile veil of deep sorrow that would make them get so attached to the other that would be more sickening than the sadness of losing their "other piece" for a while. it's more worth crying over memories than losing their mind from being deadly (metaphorically and literally) codependent.
this links to the next phrase: "i'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean". crying alone is more safe than being next to each other. they'll cry over memories, as i said, and they'll cry about distance and they'll cry over everything that could've been different. they'll find the other in their tears, the hugs will come out of the bittersweet sorrow they carry around, but they'll be separated. they can cry rivers that lead to a valley of what it was and what could've been, but it'll be all. the sadness won't make them be together again.
there comes killua part: "you'll never see me fall apart". he needs to be the big brother now. he need to be alluka's point of safety so he can assure their existence, and for this killua needs to be strong as a rock, he needs alluka to look at him and think she can trust him with anything. he's the big brother, isn't he? emotions about a past that doesn't belong to him anymore aren't going to help with surviving. but he does break silently, while he is trying to sleep ("tears on my pillow"), when something looks to much like a typically gon thing, when memories crawl in. he's just a fragile boy needing to use the super strong hero facade again.
the first part of the next verse is "in the words of a broken heart / it's just emotions taking me over / caught up in sorrow, lost in the song / but if you don't come back / come home to me, darling". this is suffering. both of them are heartbroken, left "alone" to face worlds they feel they don't belong to anymore, wanting their partner in crime to make things less insufferable. they remember the other on daily little things — a song, a quote, a smell. but killua never comes to visit and gon isn't able to do it either — there's no home left besides each other's hearts, and they live there rent-free even if it hurts like hell. memories hurt, the past is like glass and salt being poured into an open wound to later be mixed with alcohol, but they aren't able to say goodbye to it because saying goodbye to the pain is like saying goodbye to the last tangible thing they've from each other — ironically, the pain of being separated —, and the last thing they want is to say goodbye again so they hold it close to their hearts like a trophy.
but as if they're bargaining, here comes "don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight? / and don't you know there's nobody left in this world kiss goodnight?". there's people, but there's nothing of what they need. they need someone that knows how to make them feel safe, loved, safe — nor alluka or mito can do this for neither gon or killua the way they need it to be done. they try to, but they can't because the type of sadness they're carrying is exclusively from a love that never had a true end; they parted ways, but never stopped loving each other even if their trust was a little bit weaker, and carrying a love that is technically in open hurts so much that no one can try to mimic how it was. a tight hug from mito or alluka won't be the same of a silly headpat from killua or a bright smile from gon because isn't about the act but who's doing it.
and then we've the last verse before the music repeats itself, that i truly believe that wraps up everything in killugon's love story: "i'm there at your side / a part of all the things you are / but you got a part of someone else / you gotta go find your shining star".
gon wanted to find ging and be back at whale's island; killua had to protect alluka. they felt so much love, but they had other people in their lives too that needed to be looked over. even if their story is forever intertwined at some point, both of them are mix of a lot of people and have small amounts of them inside themselves. this is what makes it a tiny little bit easier to go through not having each other near: other people. the tiny pieces of every person they've ever met that created their personality and their new horizons are what eventually make them heal from all the suffering and sorrow and finally be able to reunite again, friendship strong and a love so healthy like a daisy that just blossomed.
they're forever in love. the distance and the sadness was necessary for them to see that things can be hard to handle alone, but they're never alone as they have other people that care for them deeply and are willing to see them fully happy — just as in emotion's music video. when they learn to be complete by themselves, they can multiply together and form a relationship that adds up, not that is dangerously subtracting their mental health. they deserve to love each other when they're ready. ♡
end of the analysis. thx for reading this bible i wrote in 2h lol
Gon and Killua's farewell, it's all good between them + The Misunderstanding about Gon and his rage!
It's something I'm dying to say about Hxh. it is a bit important to me. so I'll write my thoughts here. it will be a bit long. I would be happy if you read it to the end.
We know that both Killua and Gon owe each other a lot. that Killua has become a new person thanks to Gon. A person with an incredible character development, from a cold killer to a better person. gave him a purpose in life. Finally, after years of abuse and torture and cruel upbringing, found a friend who took him away and protected him from his horrible family, made it clear that Killua would no longer be a killer. Broke Illumi's arm for sending Killua home, which is where he feels most uncomfortable. Gave him a childhood having fun with Gon and showing him the world. Also that Gon is the reason Killua removed the needle. And, and, and…
As well as Killua was always on his side. Always supported Gon, trained with him, helped him out of many dangers and obstacles. And both have never asked anything of each other.
What I want to talk about is, that I still see a lot of people who don't understand gon's rage and why he acted that way, and a lot of ppl just ignore his trauma and then blame everything on gon. and also i can‘t believe those people who say that killua left him in the end of hxh for what he said during the Pitou rage because he was mad at gon, even though Killua knows gon better than anyone and understands what was going through gon's head and what a trauma he went through. It's true that killua was upset and sad about it at first, but that's not the reason he left him! because if so, their bond wasn't strong enough, which isn't true at all. Their bond is still as strong as ever. There is no way Killua is mad at Gon. Gon did soo much for him. And all the things he owes Gon that I mentioned above eliminate what happened during the Pitou rage scene. Killua owes him so much!
And literally everyone who's ever been really angry in films or real life has said something to someone they didn't mean afterwards, especially when gons felt bad afterwards and apologized to killua. this is totally humane, and then people come and ignore gon's trauma and just stick to this scene forever..
Gon had this bad feeling about Pitou in his head the whole time. It hasn't let go of him since he saw Pitou. A monster that killed Kite and did bad things to his corpse. Where Gon thought that such a monster would never do good things, suddenly became a caring protector that Komugi had to heal. A monster that did such bad things with kite, suddenly showed compassion and feelings just because she was in a braking situation? Pitou wanted to be understood and make it clear to Gon that she will be the one to be listened to, and used it to her advantage! And that absolutely broke Gon as he couldn't take that and he saw Komugi as kite. that was the very last thing Gon wanted to see.
Gon thought to himself, "First you torment Kite, play with his corpse and use him as a guinea pig. Then you also want me to wait, listen to you and try to calm me down??? You still want me to follow your orders? Ignore my process and try to wrap me around your finger while YOU heal a girl that's yours? What kind of horrible person are you?” That just added fuel to the fire. This only made Gon angrier, because Pitou feels powerless right now and needs someone to heal after all the terrible things she did to Kite. She still wants Gon to wait and calm down. and all of a sudden, where she can't fight in this situation because of komugi, she has to show compassion and play the poor little cat. But in reality, she just wants to use this to her advantage, and when it's all over, she'll lie to him too, say Kite was dead the whole time, and then chop off his head. while gon was kind enough to obey pitou's orders. isn't that unfair? This is a very valid reason for him to be angry.
And in that moment, as he escalates, it's almost impossible to stop Gon with anything to tell him not to freak out like that. So trying to calm him down is like the other person is trying to put the blame on him. As if Gon is not heard. Therefore, trying to calm him down will only make things worse. He doesn't need anyone to tell him what to do now!
Gon wanted everyone to know that his anger is understandable! he wanted to be understood. He wanted Pitou to know that She is now bad and wrong. And since soo much emotional anger is flowing through Gon's body and it's rampant, especially in such a state where Pitou has killed someone important to Gon, the worst thing is when Pitou tries to tell him to calm down and wait target.
It always depends on the situation, but in this case it's something completely different. It made Gon extremely angry! (Trying to tell someone to calm down when they're upset is never a good idea. It only makes things worse) at the same time with the injustice that you heal Komugi and meanwhile the broken body of Kite is lying around somewhere outside, it only makes things a lot worse.
Since Gon is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and then a calm and composed person, as Killua and Pitou wanted to try with words for Gon to calm down, one certainly wouldn't expect Gon to calm down immediately and listen to this person. Especially not in such a critical situation. Nobody would. It just throws more salt in his wounds. Namely, it makes Gon feel that you understand his cause of anger, invalid, or unworthy. like he's overreacting. That he's wrong to feel something.
Can't let out the anger he's been feeding on for so long. That his emotions are not taken seriously. It seemed patronizing to him. So he thought his feelings weren't understood. It is sensitive to its feelings. He feels angry for a reason. And that just added more fuel to Gon's emotional state because he hears that from both sides. He didn't want to be told how he should feel. He wanted to be understood.
If someone is tormenting someone close to you, you will naturally get angry at that person. and someone tries to calm you down, do you calm down? Definitely not! Especially not with a 12 year old kid like Gon! This only makes things worse!! A quote that says: "Don't make me angry and then try to calm me down. It's like shooting someone and telling them not to bleed."
Because someone who tries to calm gon in such a situation, where he is already angry only allows the anger to escalate much more. so Gon wanted to take control of his own emotions and act on his own. Since Gon also knows how calm, kind and careful Pitou was and had control over the situation, she was selfish and ignored Gon's process. And that made Gon feel like she wasn't taking him seriously. Gon sees this as a loss of power and a form of manipulation. and that got his blood boiling because he wanted to take back control and ended up breaking down completely.
And in this state of gon, it's almost impossible to calm him down. all anger accumulates in him because he is not taken seriously. why should he still do what pitou tells him after all this? She has no right! this is degrading and humiliating for him after all she has done. and I can 100% understand why it escalated like that.
When Gon has tried to put an end to this anger, this feeling amplifies because it feels to Him as if it is telling him that he is irrational and what he feels or wants is less important what the frustration is and thus increased anger. It is also known that Gon has often experienced severe trauma, such as in childhood or on his journey. was reminded again and again how weak he actually is and how frustrated he was (but he always wanted to prove the opposite) and no longer wanted to be weak and worthless. Finally, in such cases, he can react particularly strongly because it reminds him of these terrible experiences. And I sort of understand how Gon feels about this, especially when his anger feels 100% justified, having experienced it many times myself.
But in the end it always depends on the situation. if it's a person who's stressed out about homework or something, that's normal. But certainly not in such circumstances as Gon!! And no one likes to be ordered what to do when they are angry.
And since most people feel uncomfortable when others are angry, they don't know exactly what you're going to do next. You don't know if you're going to harm them or yourself. They care and want you to stop being angry and you saw that with Killua. Killua did this, certainly not to make Gon angrier, but rather to find a better way to solve this, he was worried about Gon harming himself. Luckily, the situation got out of the way in the end.
And to me the "none of your business" and that he wanted to defeat pitou alone, line came from the fact that Gon never considered Kite's death Killua's fault, only his. So it's not Killua's job to avenge Kite or be punished for his death, the way Gon thinks he and Pitou should be. Gon has no problem letting Killua join him in everything, but he said back in Yorknew that it was okay if he died, but not Killua.
A lot of people point the finger at Gon and it makes me sad honestly. To see this poor kid go through so much trauma, carrying all that guilt while trying to make sure Killua never felt guilty at all, and then by the end wanting to die because he felt like everything was his and Pitou's fault (and not Killua's) was heartbreaking. Then to see these people, mostly Killua stans who think Gon is the worst because of how he behaved in the caa, while ignores and handwave Gon's trauma and blaming him for everything? (Don't get me wrong, I like killua, my top3 hxh char)
And if you pay attention to the show, it's perfectly obvious that Gon would NEVER insult Killua on purpose or intentionally! Gon is still a child who went through a lot of trauma in his life and couldn't process it all. And I think Killua understood that later, he's not stupid! Because even after what Gon said to him, Killua still cared about Gon so much. We saw him do everything in his power to protect Gon!
He wouldn't go so far as to say that he wants to commit Shinjuu with Gon "a lover suicide between 2 lovers to be reunited in the next life"! He has also turned against his entire family to save his friend. That he confronted Palm and told her to please take care of Gon because Killua doesn't think he can. Whereupon Palm said that Killua is the most important for Gon! We saw him running to Gon and Pitou extra, running so fast to help Gon, and running to the hospital after the explosion.
We also saw Gon with Leorio when Gon said he had to apologize to Killua as well as he had a bad feeling of guilt and not feeling well.
I have no doubt that togashi made the scene where Gon apologizes to Killua properly off panel, because we see him tell Leorio that he needs to apologize to Killua but we don't get to see the scene.
Killua basically said "well you already apologized to me". To me, that indicated that Gon had previously apologized and Killua was just playfully teasing him by bringing it up.
But it wouldn't really make sense for Gon to acknowledge he needs to apologize and then just not do it until Killua brings it up. That makes 0 sense. and Killua wouldn't joke about it if he was still upset about it. I hope togashi will show when they are back in the spotlight. But Gon knew he owed Killua an apology and said as much to Leorio so I have no doubt in mind he gave a heartfelt and genuine apology to Killua.
It's just that Alluka needs Killua more right now. Because how stupid would it be of Killua if he would send Alluka right back to the Zoldyck estate and continue his journey with gon again. So after the shoot "Okay Alluka thanks for healing Gon, now please go back home, maybe we'll see each other sometime" No, that would feel wrong. That's not Killua's character.
Alluka would be very offended on Killua for otherwise only using her to his advantage. She would be locked up again. Gon would have even more guilt inside him. And if Gon were in such a situation again, this time Alluka will definitely not help Killua again. And his family won't let Killua get Alluka out of there a second time.
Since he's already traveling with Alluka, he at least wants to make up for lost time with her. Because She would be disappointed if she was only used as a tool and sent back home. especially at Killua, where that's unthinkable. Because then she would think if he doesn't even want me, then nobody wants it.
He must protect her from Illumi as he will pursue them by any means possible and Killua has been targeted by his family. Means that it will definitely not be a fun trip for them! And Killua knows that! he is aware of that. Alluka also said that she will give Killua back to Gon, which made Killua a bit nervous. Both Gon and Killua have a tendency to push their loved ones away if it means keeping them safe, just like Gon would not allow Killua to die with him in the CA Arc and here Killua is keeping Gon safe by staying away until he gets a better handle on the situation.
Unfortunately, Killua couldn't take Gon with him either, as he would drastically increase the risk of something bad happening to Gon again. Gon and killua have other things to do now. since he can no longer use Nen either, he doesn't want to risk Gon's life again. That's too much for him and would be too dangerous. So he had to focus on Alluka for now.
Especially not when Killua knows Illumi is after him. So gon be pretty sure and returned to Whale Island. Since Killua also knows that Gon is now in close contact with Ging, and gives him lots of tips and advice, Killua feels Gon is safe right now.
So he can rest assured. Because everything is straight, in perfect harmony. killua also literally said he'd like to come with him, but he can't because of Alluka.
Gon needs to recover from the events and figure out what he wants to do next and Killua needs to protect Alluka and make up for lost time with her! Once he clears this situation with Illumi and his family, he and Gon will surely reunite. Because they are the heart of HxH.
Also, we're forgetting that Gon is not always just thinking of himself. Yes, he is a thickhead, and made mistakes but he cares about his friends and will go out of his way for them a lot. For example, he broke Illumi's arm for manipulating Killua and interrupted his search for his father to rescue Killua from his family. He let canary beat him so he can get killua out of there.
That he was worried about Killua all along, in greed island, that he was being poisoned. etc.. The problem is that Killua hides his own needs and insecurities, which leaves Gon thinking everything is okay. But you can be sure that if Killua asked for help or made his needs known, Gon would put everything down to help.
And that doesn't mean that Killua wants to brag to Gon and thinks "look here I have also a person on my side now and get out of here" that feels sooo out of character. And it's not Killua's nature to do that, especially with his best friend, someone he owes so much to. This is Killua's sister, whom he has known since he was little, and not a girl that he suddenly found along the way and thought "yeah I can make Gon jealous with that" No! That is absolutely wrong and completely out of character
Also, when Gon met someone with Killua on his journey, Gon never intended that he could now neglect Killua or make him jealous in any way. (And no, neither with Palm. Killua was jealous because he went on a date with her, but Gon didn't know that and it was never Gon's intention, since Killua also hid his feelings about something like that.) Of course, Killua knew from the start that Gon's goal is Ging and that they will meet a lot of new people, he would never have met, for which he is grateful. Gon was finally glad that he met Killua and is on his journey, because Killua was his priority, always! Gon knew that. but he only really realized that when he met Ging. when Ging said that what matters most is not the goal but what he met on his journey. (namely Killua)
Also, Killua didn't care how many people were with him and gon. he just wanted to be with gon, accompany him on his journey, have fun with him because he feels most comfortable with him.
Killua more than anyone knew that Gon was going through one of the most traumatic experiences in his life. If Gon was just cruel out of the blue, that would be one thing, but this was said in the middle of a understandable complete breakdown, especially that Gon apologized and felt bad about it later. And it doesn't suddenly discredit everything else Gon has done for him. Despite all the good he's brought into Killua's life up until that point. This was a moment they could learn from, not something that broke their friendship! He's been through enough already and Killua has forgiven him, and now has a better understanding about gon, more than the whole audience! as well as how real friends forgive each other in real life. All they need right now is to talk about their feelings, and I think breaking up will make it perfect.
And if Killua heard that something bad was happening to Gon, he wouldn't hesitate to help him! Exactly the other way around. Every good and strong relationship has its ups and downs and no relationship is perfect. Their relationship is way too strong to be broken! Also seen in the anime when Killua dragged Gon and Alluka into an alley and Killua looked at Gon with such a loving look for 5 seconds and thanks to Gon Alluka was freed too! Literally, Gon really is a light to Killua.
Two people who are indispensable to each other
Also remember that Killua said something hurtful to Alluka/Nanika. It would be a bit hypocritical of Killua to never forgive Gon, given that he said some pretty harsh stuff to Nanika (yelling at her to go away and never come back after she saved Gon. He apologized and was forgiven. Why shouldn't he offer the same forgiveness to Gon, his sisters gave to him?
They promised to keep in touch on good terms. They're still as close as ever. and I'm sure their relationship will be even stronger when they reunite.
There is also something the director of the 2011 anime said "That Gon and Killua are like a married couple. Gon is the Free Spirited Husband, and Killua is a wife who silently supports him. The Golden Duo"
It seems to me that Togashi brought Gon to the brink of death to introduce Alluka. He could have chosen any other way that Killua finds someone to heal Gon! It didn't even have to be killua who saved Gon, it could have been anyone else. but no togashi did it. He never wrote himself in a corner that absolutely required Alluka now in this arc. Imo, He wanted to introduce Alluka!
She should foresee the dark continent and the kind of insane threat that transcends Nen.
She also adds some lore to Zigg Zoldyck, since we now know that he explored the DC and likely brought Nanika back.
Togashi would need something to heal Gon and a reason for Gon and Killua not to travel for an indefinite period of time.
Give killua a reason to admit his family confront, show its growth
Because you also notice that Togashi has so many other ideas in mind that have nothing to do with gon and killua, such as the succession war arc, Kurapika, the princes, Phantom Troupe backstory etc.. All of this would not work so well if gon and killua were still together. He also deliberately omits the MC. because you can also tell that Togashi wants to show that he's not afraid of showing a full arc of not showing the MC.
And their friendship is a perfect parallel to Meruem/Komugi. Killua would commit with gon Shinjuu, two lovers who will be together in the next life (like Komugi did with Meruem) Because in Chp. 286 after this Shinjuu panel by Killua, a shooting star followed, which is supposed to seal this wish.
The same thing happened at Whale Island Chapter, when Gon and Killua promised to stay together forever, and then a shooting star sealed their wish. And this promise connects these two panels. Killua wanted to grant that wish at all costs, even as Gon lay on his deathbed. Since Togashi intentionally made these two scenes so similar with the idea of staying together forever, it's obvious that these two scenes are connected.
It's just something i really wanted to say. because I overthink it all the time. Even Hxh's Ending 4 is obviously a song from Killua's perspective, about his deep feelings about Gon. If you look at the lyrics you can also see how much Killua misses Gon. And I'm pretty sure he misses him a lot, just like gon miss him!
A masterpost on Togashi’s gay subtext and why it’s intentional.
Hi ! After seeing so many posts about Togashi dropping subtext about Killua’s possible romantic feelings for Gon, I thought it’d be a good idea to make a sort of “masterpost” with all the subtext that Togashi has included into his work.
I usually see a lot of people trying to say that HxH isn’t about romance and that Togashi isn’t interested in writing romance into the manga, but when you analyze all the subtext that’s been going on the further Gon and Killua’s relationship progresses, I think it’s incorrect to say that Togashi has never hinted at the possibility of romance in HxH.
This is going to be a long post, enjoy your read!
Also, please note that I will only base this analysis on the manga, so there can be no mistake that “maybe this is just something the anime made gayer” : i want to prove that the subtext is 100% intentional on Togashi’s part.
I’d also like to mention, although I will analyze it further after listing the subtext, that Togashi is a VERY smart man. There are always little details in the story and/or foreshadowing that are easily missed at first but when you notice them, it truly makes you understand how much attention and care Togashi puts into his work. There are countless details and symbolism that are analyzed daily through wonderful meta posts, from the main 4′s birthdays and their link to their character or the religious symbolism in Kurapika’s story arc…. Togashi loves to foreshadow and plant little details into his work, so when Togashi plants subtext, I’m sure he 100% knows that he’s writing it, and it can’t be seen as unintentional.
I’ll also link all my references for this post at the end of it, so feel free to read all the additional textposts and content if you want to know more.
Well, let’s get into it!
EDIT : i can’t believe this post is still being used as a reference it makes me so happy… thank you so much !!! i edited this to tweak it a bit because i wrote this a while ago and the phrasing seemed off to me, so if you’re reading or re-reading this post, hi, welcome to masterpost on gay subtext 2.0 !
gon freecss: loudly and blatantly calls killua his friend
gon freecss: constantly makes killua blush by complimenting him
gon freecss: wants killua to be the first person ging meets
gon freecss: brings killua home and ensures that the first friend his aunt mito meets is killua
gon freecss: can’t win a vicious battle with killua supporting him
gon freecss: explicitly admits that he wants to travel the world with killua
gon freecss: wants killua to stay by his side
gon freecss: doesn’t want killua to do to stupid things for him
gon freecss: breaks illumi’s arm for insulting killua
gon freecss: travels all the way to killua’s home just to get him back and refuses to take “no” for an answer
gon freecss: does literally everything with killua - passes the hunter exam, trains and gains strength/nen in the celestial arena, goes to the yorknew city auction and buys greed island, plays and defeats greed island, goes to the NGL to defeat the chimera ants all with killua
gon freecss: sincerely apologizes to killua for hurting him
the entire fucking fandom: omg!!! kirugon is so one-sided!!! gon doesn’t appreciate killua at all!!! it’s an unrequited love/friendship/relationship!!!
Every time this gets brought up, I’m immediately thankful. Although Gon’s actual apology to Killua at the end of the anime was vague (vague as in we didn’t actually get to see the initial apology, just the aftermath of it), all of these points are true and I wish the fandom acknowledged it more often. Gon might have been selfish in some instances, being young and inexperienced with the dark struggles he’s faced with, but I truly believe that his consideration for Killua is and has always been genuine…and whether you want to call it romantic or platonic, Gon loves Killua. As they are now (14 y/o kids) they are each other’s most important person outside of family. It’s so unfair to claim that their relationship is one-sided or toxic. They’re both just children who are learning and growing…and they’ll get it right in time. I firmly think that they care about one another on the same level. It might come across differently depending on the character’s viewpoint, but there’s no doubt in my mind… Gon’s made it perfectly clear over and over again how he feels about Killua. Just because he made a mistake during CA arc caused by emotional turmoil doesn’t change the way he sees Killua in the end.
Hey! Hope you’re doing well, I’m sorry I haven’t responded to that last question of mine you answered but I absolutely loved it! Your answers are always super insightful. Today though I want to ask about another scene that I believe has big Killugon implications, but I have yet to see a single person really cover so far. I noticed it as I was re-reading the manga and instantly I knew something was up (oh and apologies in advance for the image quality but I had to take them off of my physical manga copies with my phone lol):
Now for context this scene takes place in the direct lead up to the palace invasion, which each character having a short inner monologue about how they feel in the lead up to the fight. In the case of Shoot he chooses to focus on Killua and how he has changed since they’re fight, noting how Killua look very sad every “once in a while”.
Now when I first got to this panel I was a little caught off guard as I feel most readers would be, the reason being that prior to this scene we haven’t had any indication that Killua was sad at all. After all this is post-needle Killua after his big emotional fight with a Rammot, he hadn’t shown any signs of further sadness since then and, as Shoot says, was a lot more confident in himself and his abilities. So why would Togashi deliberately choose to draw attention to Killua’s feelings this way, and why now when there was no prior indication that he was feeling bad at all?
Well, I think the reason lies in a pair of scenes that happen prior to this revelation by Shoot, the first of which is this:
Again, this is in the lead up to the palace invasion where the gang is working out their final plan of attack, while Palm is already enacting her part of the plan in the palace by herself.
Now this scene is interesting to me for a few reasons:
1. Togashi is using all this space (almost two and a half pages of it) to convey to make it clear to us how worried Gon obviously is about Palm since there’s a high chance she could die or already has at this point.
2. Togashi chose Killua specifically to be the one to explain this part of the plan to Gon, even when the more obvious choice would have been Knuckle or Shoot since they were with Morel and Knov when the plan was first made.
3. Killua is very clearly annoyed/dismissive/generally just put off by Gon’s worry about Palm, and is so harsh to Gon in the way he handles it that BOTH Knuckle and Meleoron call him out on it. Clearly there’s something more going on with Killua that Togashi wishes to highlight here, to the point where a scene about Gon’s feelings and worries about Palm quickly turns into a scene about KILLUA’S feelings about Gon’s feelings and worries about Palm!
But that’s not all! There’s also this science which takes place directly before we get Shoot’s reflection on Killua’s feelings:
Again we see Gon ask about Palm the second he has the opportunity and is once more clearly upset by the fact that there is still no word from her.
So why do I bring these two scenes up? Well because when Shoot says that “once in a while” he sees Killua get very sad, we as readers have to then ask the question of when he would have the opportunity to be around Killua enough to gauge his emotions this way, as prior to this the gang has been very much speedster from one another for awhile.
In fact, some of the only scenes we see Killua and Shoot even in the same location are both instances where Gon asks about Palm, which would logically imply that it was some point during those interactions where Shoot came to this conclusion about Killua’s feelings. And considering how Killua’s reaction to Gon’s worries about Palm, it only makes sense that this is what Shoot saw. Killua getting visibly sad when Gon shows concern for Palm.
So essentially, I believe that what Togashi was trying to get the reader to understand in this scene was something like this: shoot comments on how sad Killua is. “Sad? Why would he be sad?” The reader thinks, “he didn’t seem sad at all prior to this, what is he sad about?” They then think back to how annoyed Killua was when Gon was talking about Palm and think “well he must be sad about that then, but he’s never liked Palm, why would he be sad that Gon cares about… OH, maybe he’s just jealous!”
And THAT I think is the point of this scene, or at the very least to keep Killua’s sadness in the back of the reader’s mind for later where it’ll come to fruition.
Now, obviously anyone who knows the story knows that Killua has his big emotional scene with Palm where he confesses that he thinks Gon cares more about her than him, and how heartbreaking that is for him to feel. When you first read that though it may seem to come a little bit out of nowhere and a bit delusional on Killua’s part if you take it on it’s own. However, in the context of this scene with shoot and Gon’s earlier vocal worry about Palm, it all starts to make sense. Killua sees this play out and gets jealous because he thinks Gon cares more about Palm, whom Killua still would think is Gon’s romantic partner because Gon never showed interest to him in stopping his date with her and they never officially called off their “relationship”. So to Killua Palm means more to Gon because she’s romantically involved with him (in his eyes) and he gets sad and… well… jealous honestly whenever he’s reminded of that fact. I don’t really see any other way to explain why Killua would think Palm is more important to Gon than him keeping the context of these scenes in mind.
It also doesn’t help that Gon basically confirmed it by pushing Killua away after he expressed so much outward worry for Palm so yeah. Oof. It makes sense why Killua thinks the way he does and this whole scene is Togashi hinting at that early on. That’s why he orders these scenes the way he does and why he brings Killua’s feelings to light there for the reader to notice.
But honestly what REALLY got to me about this scene, and what inspired me to write this whole long ass ramble on the first place, was one key detail. Togashi chose an objective character like Shoot (who’s about as objective as objective can be in this situation) to clearly highlight Killua’s deeper feelings for the reader in a way Killua himself can’t.
Sound familiar? Well it should because there is one other VERY important scene where Togashi does the exact same thing, and it happens a bit later on:
(I had to cut out the first page for the sake of image number limits, but we both know what scene this is lol)
Isn’t it funny that Togashi would parallel Shoot’s revelations about Killua’s feelings here in the most romantically coded scene in the entire manga, with an equally objective character in Meleoron pointing out the same thing?
It’s hard to articulate this part but I hope you see what I’m getting at here.
It’s a very curious choice by Togashi indeed, to frame those hidden feelings that Meleoron sees explicitly around romantically love, and parallel that with Shoot’s earlier revelation about Killua being very sad even prior to Gon pushing him away… very curious indeed.
Anyway, wow this went on for longer than I thought but I needed to get this out of my head. If you have any insight I’d love to hear about it because I haven’t heard anyone talk about this scene and I need to know I’m not just crazy with what I see lol. To me, it’s just another case of that subtle, genius storytelling g by Togashi, but let me know what you think. Thanks!
Wow, this is a wonderful piece of meta, thank you so much for writing it all up and submitting it to me!! I had noticed/considered how snappy Killua gets to Gon when Gon is worrying over Palm, but this is a very carefully considered argument that the jealousy over Palm is an important part of Killua's sadness and uncertainty about his place in Gon's life going into the palace invasion. I had mostly read Killua's sadness here as Gon being distant prior and Killua picking up on that, Killua just generally being worried about the outcome, plus being hurt that Gon wants to fight Pitou on his own. I think those are all factors, too, but it's true that Killua is very focused and worried specifically about whether Gon considers him just a teammate or a friend.
I've always thought this whole dilemma comes off as "odd" in the sense that it wasn't long ago that Gon openly stated that Killua is his best friend in the whole world, under no uncertain terms. Why would Killua doubt his friendship with Gon? Plus there's the whole theme of not having to "qualify" to be a friend (an attitude towards friendship that Killua later passes on to Ikalgo). It's worth noting he's worrying about this prior to Gon's breakdown in front of Pitou and the "It's none of your business" (essentially) line that breaks Killua's heart. This happens just a bit before they confront Pitou.
I'm having a hard time explaining this because it's more of a feeling I have about this scene than something I can concretely prove, but I feel like from a purely friendship standpoint, it's strange for Killua to be so fixated on whether they're friends or not when Gon has stated his friendship with Killua over and over again. Even if Gon has been more distant and insists on fighting Pitou alone (which is definitely part of the problem here), it's not as though there's some clear reason presented that shows Killua has been demoted and Gon no longer considers him a friend.
EXCEPT...Killua is so devoted to Gon that he has it in his mind that he and Gon might do a lovers' suicide if worst comes to worst. If Gon cares more about Palm than him, where does that put him? This whole struggle Killua is having of friendship vs teammates makes so much more sense when you consider Killua having romantic feelings for Gon, whether or not he's aware that that's what they are. And it especially makes sense tying in with the argument you're making, that the whole situation with Palm is a big piece of what's bothering and hurting Killua and causing him to doubt his standing with Gon. It is also a logical build up between the date with Palm and the ultimate climax of this subplot, where Palm assures Killua that he's the one means the most to Gon, and the only one who has any hope of saving him.
I think this whole friendship vs teammate thing is Togashi code for what Killua is really struggling with, which is the strong romantic feelings he has for Gon and his concern that they're not requited. Of course it's improbable Jump would allow Togashi to state this outright so of course he has to frame it differently, but as usual he makes it clear what he's really saying in a number of ways for those of us who look into it deeply, while also not alienating readers who aren't interested in viewing it in that light.
What you're pointing out here makes this whole subplot more clear and understandable, and also further cements the romantic reading of Killua in Chimera Ant Arc--bravo for pointing it out! I think you're totally right on your reading of this, it ties so much together, and it seems like carefully laid puzzle pieces all arranged in a meaningful order.
This is why I love discussing HxH with people--even after all the times I've watched and read the series, all the meta I've read through the years, there's always some new way to see things or something I hadn't considered yet. Togashi is truly a genius storyteller, and it's an absolute blast pulling apart his writing because it's so rich and filled with intention. Even tiny scenes and little snippets of dialogue that don't seem that important in the big picture can have so much meaning once you make connections like this.
Thanks again for sending this in, it was enlightening to me and I'm sure it will be for lots of other people as well! Feel free to send more observations any time!
