Ocean of Violence

Liz Instagram: OceanofV Art blog

[heroceanofviolence]

Me too. A personal history of sexual assault.

This movement is getting to me. In a good yet triggering way. I figured as part of my healing and getting trauma worked through, I could use this vehicle.

When I was 14 I was raped by a “friend.” He lured me to his house and forced me to preform oral sex on him. I had never been touched like that before. I distinctly remember saying no. I walked home that warm spring day dry heaving and crying. This was one of the worst things to ever happen to me.

When I was 15/16 I was walking home with a friend from school and a creepy man tried to lure us into his red car making sexual advances.

Another time I was walking home with the same friend at about 17 years old a younger man came up to us and started groping me and my friend on our butts. When I stood up for myself he punched me in the face 3 times and broke my nose.

When I was 16 I worked at Wendy’s. A manager took his fumbly fingers and took off a name tag I was wearing forcefully which was on my breast. I reported the incident. He then told me to kill myself. Wendy’s eventually fired him for OTHER shit though.

When I rode the subway in nyc I was groped and felt up more times than I can count. Hundreds of times actually. One time a man put his erect penis in my face on the subway.

Sometime in 2013 my boyfriend at the time punched me repeatedly during sex in the thigh with no warning and no consent. He played it off to our friends that it was “kinky” but I did NOT want that. This same man there after rose his fist to hit me several other times.

When I was 29 a man who I thought I trusted began masturbating in front of me while I was having a hyperventilating panic attack.

A few months after the previous story a man nearly choked me unconscious during sex which I also did not consent to.

How many fucking times have I had to say NO more than once.

[omg-horkey]

Converge - Fall Tour 2006

From Expressobeans:

All editions with a metallic silver Osprey gocco print on reverse. 8 color silkscreen

Information on this one is surprisingly hard to find, but I figured all of the new Converge fans from yesterday’s post would appreciate it (big thanks to Converge for the reblog!).  You may notice a bit of distortion in some of the photos above.  Rest assured that Aaron’s work is NOT at fault here - my copy is just a bit curly from being stored in a tube by the previous owner.

The print is gigantic at 40" x 20.5", and is a bit of a departure from Aaron’s normal playbook.  Not only is it in the “landscape” orientation, it’s the only print I can recall with the text and billing along the left hand edge.  The lettering is also a bit unusual with it’s “loose”, ink splash styling.  The result still turned our pretty great though, and that mysterious beast rampaging through an abandoned house is awesome.

References

Expressobeans Listing

[heroceanofviolence]

I have one of these I'm looking to sell

[heroceanofviolence]

5 years ago my spring mania was delayed as my winter depression kept on going. It made for a very weird year. This year is quite similar how it's headed....

[x192]

[randomvault]

[inkskinned]

i’m cute but psycho, she says. she smiles at me.

in my backpack are sixteen emergency items for panic attacks, for shutdown mode, for in case i can’t stop urges i can’t control, in case i am in trouble. i have under my bed razors i can’t bring myself to throw out, even though i’ve been recovered for ages. i forget what i said to him after i say it. i don’t mean any of it, but maybe i did. am i steering this ship or am i just a passenger on it.

i put the hot in psychotic, she says. i hear her laughing.

i can’t feel my lips. back when the hallucinations were bad i didn’t tell anyone but him, because i knew what was happening. when i woke up in a hospital i tried to kill the doctor. my therapy group was full of wonderful people. the girl who was schizophrenic had a beautiful singing voice. i can still hear her crying sometimes.

normal people scare me, he says. i know it’s from tv.

we faltered on the edge of bad things. when he tried to burn his house down he didn’t know what he was doing. he’s being charged as an adult, they tell me. when he saw me looking he said it was his responsibility. the girl with split personalities is sweet. her trauma rendered her largely unable to speak. i sit outside with the other three who raid our own bodies and we pluck flowers and play a game: what if i’d been born normal. what if i had been given executive functions. what if i hadn’t been given depression in bucketfuls until it overcame my lungs. my parents don’t know how to look at me anymore and neither do my friends. they all tiptoe around me like i will break at any second.

try yoga. it’s just a phase. we all feel that way. you have so much to be thankful for. someone has it worse. mentally ill people are dangerous. therapists aren’t real doctors and by extension you have no real problems. go for a run. just choose happiness. you’re not really sick. you’re faking it.

i lace my shoes. it’s nice to have laces back. i will try to work out without letting myself get back into my disorder, but we all know how well that will go. i have been working out since i was six years old. yoga is on my schedule but it’s never active enough. there’s a good chance that out of the people in my group, one of them is being taken advantage of. we are so quick to give ourselves out for the safety of others. the boy who, like me, has burn scars on his skin - he tells me his girlfriend likes that he’s sick. it makes him sensitive. the girl who is schizophrenic gets picked up by her father. i know he hits her. she says she kind of deserves it.

sadness makes for good art, she says. i don’t look up.

when they ask me where i’ve been i say i’ve been out of town. i feel fine thanks for asking. i don’t know who i am when nobody’s looking. i don’t know if i’m even real anymore. i don’t know how to get close to people because they’ll end up finding out and hating me for it, or i’ll be a burden, or they won’t know how to handle it. my family never brings up the hospital again. sometimes i think i dreamed it. 

you won’t find love until you love yourself, he warns. it’s been a long day.

i’m so alone.

[pinkcrosshair]

me going through a depressive episode vs recovering

[heroceanofviolence]

Me trying

[vintermorke]

The Blasted Tower from the Hermetic Tarot by Godfrey Dowson.

[antique-royals]

Pianist Harriet Cohen

[neaarty]

[the-cinder-fields]

Yaroslav Gerzhedovich, Mirror

[heroceanofviolence]

I really miss my guardian angel but have to keep an emotional distance because I think I reach too much for his approval and he never reaches back. He's a good person though.

[heroceanofviolence]

Complex ptsd and thoughts and worries

My abusive ex moved away with his girlfriend. I'm terrified for her and her child. I am selfishly terrified that their relationship will crumble and that he will reside in my home town once again. Even with distance I still fear for my life. I will be the first to admit that I've antagonized the guy even recently as a form of healing and/or revenge. I constantly find belongings of mine that were once his. I should get rid of them all. But I don't out of poverty. Constant reminders that I was manipulated with a "love bomb" only then to have my life ruined. I hate the man. I've been accused of being obsessed with him. But I'm actually obsessed with my safety. I'm obsessed with wondering what compels another person to relentlessly hurt another. I'm not obsessed with him. I'm obsessed with me. 3.5 years after I left him I still suffer from paranoid thoughts. But then I spoke with his ex, and my paranoia turned out to be justified and he was truthfully stalking me. Please stay away but please don't hurt your girlfriend or her daughter. Fuck man.

[candleghost]

[vanilla-anne-blog]

Rick Sánchez

[alexandriakl]

[wilted-scenes]