idk still thinking about it

tad of an empty euphoria

[heroineeuphoria]

Diane: It’s messy, and at first glance it doesn’t seem to make sense, and it’s hard to figure out. But sometimes, if you squint at it just right, everything lines up and it’s the most perfect, beautiful, amazing thing"

Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Diane: But…I’m so tired of squinting.

[heroineeuphoria]

[heroineeuphoria]

Life is a paradox,

It's like when you meet both ends, there's this feeling of void. The state when you have nothing and the state when you got everything. It's like when you're in an underwhelming and overwhelming situations in life sometimes it makes you feel empty...

It's depressing.

[heroineeuphoria]

It's great that they portrayed this as uncomfortable,

because the reality of journey to success might be terrifying and depressing. BTS/BH are trying to hint us from the miseries they are dealing with behind their success; because life isn't always made of rainbows & unicorns.

[heroineeuphoria]

Interlude: Shadow (Min Yoongi)

This doesn't need an explanation. The MV speaks on itself.

[heroineeuphoria]

"Random thought"

I admire intellectual people because I know I lack intelligence. I tried absorbing new knowledge as I want myself to be aware of matters happening in the world but, I don't necessarily comprehend them easily. Even though I didn't understand them, atleast I'm aware of what's going on. What do you do when you're curious? I do research and ask questions. Even though I'm not born with great intelligence, I was content that atleast I'm concerned and curious of what's happening around me. I don't want to be ignorant. My hunger for knowledge is an obsession, but I'm not an intellectual. I just like to know things. Feeding my curiousity nourishes my way to live life.

(me, 2019)

Written at 7:03pm 24Dec2019

[heroineeuphoria]

#btsshitforlife #bts

[heroineeuphoria]

Just void, lurking.

A part in my life that when the night and morning comes, It doesn't give you the pleasure of seeking life anymore.

Before, I always anticipate for night time because life there was mischievous, yet careful and fun. Drinks clinks and laughter anywhere. Cold breeze, traffic lights, noisy cars on a busy urban street. Cafes are always jampacked with students. I always reminisce my purple bed with 2 plushies on my old boarding unit. I have a roomate. I miss her actually. Our room was designed with fairy lights with a bohemian tapestry on the wall. We have our own seperate tables for our own seperate stories.

The smell of rain during the start of the semester. The yangnyeom chicken on the lobby. The places where I left traces of memories. I miss drinking with my friends, getting wasted because of stress. It was joyful. I hate the mornings because I had to wake up after a 4 hour sleep.

I graduated. I began to learn, that nights became depressing and lonely. My demon is my friend. She always says that I'm too weak for reality. Yes, I know. I have always been. I'm just acting I know everything but the truth is I lack everything. I succumb to my dark thoughts and now I'm truly devastated. I've always been awake when everybody is sleeping. I reached out to an outlet where I can release this tension, but it didn't last. I have no motivation nor inspiration to continue. I just grown to like it, but will never become my passion to live for it.

The perk of staying up all night is that you could witness the break of twilight. When the sun had risen, you can feel the light. The morning breeze is invigorating. The smell of nature induces serotonin. I began to love mornings. I forced my sleeping pattern so I can wake up in the morning.

It felt great. It felt refreshing. I feel alive. Hearing the birds tweeting. Ducks wagling. Dogs barking. Cats purring. Leaves dancing. I make breakfast for my family and I felt so happy. I felt like I have a purpose. Sipping my coffee in the midst of morning air.

But then again, I just couldn't help to feel sad. Things reset and here I am again. I felt that as if even I wake up with the sun had risen or the night has fallen, I feel hopeless. No goals. No aims. No purpose. Just void, lurking.

[heroineeuphoria]

Puta mierda joder la vida

[heroineeuphoria]

I want to go away

Far where I can live here no more

Everything just left is pain

I want to fucking go

[heroineeuphoria]

Ahhh,,

Sadness can kill you

Pain can kill you

[heroineeuphoria]

I'm so naive

[mentalhealth]

don’t ever let anyone make you feel ashamed for not going down a conventional path (e.g. not finishing college or starting college later in life, doing an internship in your late 20s, not having a "career” by a certain age). all of this is arbitrary. do not create a life that aims to satisfy everyone but yourself. you worked hard as fuck to get to where you are. don’t you dare let others including yourself diminish those efforts. you do not deserve that. especially if you did it all while battling mental illness. 

[heroineeuphoria]

0To myself,

I hope we did something better. You are always sad and petty. I wish you could be more positive. I hope so that you didn't blame others for your incompetency and it's not bc u lack motivation? its bc you are lazy. It's your fault that you made yourself this way. You made yourself fat and ugly. You neglected your body and mental wellness.

But despite being this unproductive you learned to love beauty and music. I learned to love something for myself to enjoy. I might not love for who I am but I was able to love something that made me alive for atleast. Thank you.

Farewell.

[heroineeuphoria]

Yes, I'm suicidal

No, I don't want to kill myself

[wishbzne-deactivated20210526]

“Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little?”

— the unabridged journals of sylvia plath

[heroineeuphoria]

I'm slowly losing myself