...do I stop self-sabotaging. I do a good job for a certain amount of time, and then I see things slow down, get too many/not enough compliments, or I get bored, and then I slide back into old habits and lose all my steam. I know I do it, but I donāt know how to fix it. I know much of it is rooted in anxiety and fear. Fear of failure, fear of not having something to fall back on, fear of having nothing to hide behind. Being fat is a comfortable discomfort. I hate it, but itās not vulnerable. When youāre fat, people look at your body, or donāt, and just move on. They judge you, but they know what you are, youāre fat, and they donāt expect much more. But when you start to lose weight, they look at you, and continuously expect more. Or at least it feels that way, whether thatās accurate or not. If thereās too much focus on whether Iām succeeding or not, or if I feel like Iām letting someone down, I shut down. Iām struggling with myĀ āhealth coach,ā because thereās so much communication and she seemed disappointed with me when I was doing better some weeks than others. I know Iām withdrawing from her, and optavia, because I feel like Iām not doing well enough. I do pretty well when I get in a good pattern on my own, or with one other person, but when too many people are involved or thereās too much focus/discussion, I get all sorts of anxious and start to avoid it. The facebook group is so much, the communication is constant and poorly done, and itās exhausting. Itās exhausting to read the bad grammar, to see the same questions over and over, and to see people succeeding when youāre struggling. I feel silly typing all of that, but here we are. I need to find a middle ground between stringently following the rules, and completely binging. Following the rules to a T was successful, but frustrating and I felt like I was missing out. When we binge and go completely off plan, we feel like shit, but it feels less like Iām missing out and the surge of serotonin that the food gives in the moment is definitely a motivator. I have goals... they just seem so far away or unrealistic. Having babies, getting off my medication, looking amazing on my wedding day, new bikini for the honeymoon. All of it is simultaneously scarily close, and painfully far away. Itās hard for it to feel completely possible. Especially babies. I want to try to have healthy babies, but the process seems daunting, that if I donāt even get to that point, I canāt fail at it. I donāt know if that makes sense. The wedding isnāt far away at all, 287 days. My dress fits pretty well, and I feel good in it, so thatās not a huge deal. Iām thankful that thatās not necessarily a potential failure, I have a fantastic seamstress who will work the magic. I would like to feel better in my dress, but in the end, I know Chelsea is going to cry and that weāll have the best day. Thatās a good feeling, much less daunting. Weāre planning on going to Hawaii for our honeymoon, and Iād love to have a pretty bikini and feel amazing in it. That feels somewhat accessible, far away, but still a little intimidating. Iāve worn 2 piece suits and felt good, but something even sexier? That feels more difficult. Getting off my medicine feels pretty far away too. I am off one med, mostly because I couldnāt afford it, but still, I know itās possible. The rest though? Once Iām off my meds, Iām entirely responsible for staying off of them and taking care of my body, and that feels nearly impossible. I donāt want to fail and go backwards. I want to live my best, longest life with my future wife, our babies, and succeed. I just need to figure out how to get there. If anyone has any ideas of how to set myself up for success, or at least sabotage myself less, Iāll take it. I know Iām capable, Iām just afraid to fail.Ā
