...do I stop self-sabotaging. I do a good job for a certain amount of time, and then I see things slow down, get too many/not enough compliments, or I get bored, and then I slide back into old habits and lose all my steam. I know I do it, but I don’t know how to fix it. I know much of it is rooted in anxiety and fear. Fear of failure, fear of not having something to fall back on, fear of having nothing to hide behind. Being fat is a comfortable discomfort. I hate it, but it’s not vulnerable. When you’re fat, people look at your body, or don’t, and just move on. They judge you, but they know what you are, you’re fat, and they don’t expect much more. But when you start to lose weight, they look at you, and continuously expect more. Or at least it feels that way, whether that’s accurate or not. If there’s too much focus on whether I’m succeeding or not, or if I feel like I’m letting someone down, I shut down. I’m struggling with my ‘health coach,’ because there’s so much communication and she seemed disappointed with me when I was doing better some weeks than others. I know I’m withdrawing from her, and optavia, because I feel like I’m not doing well enough. I do pretty well when I get in a good pattern on my own, or with one other person, but when too many people are involved or there’s too much focus/discussion, I get all sorts of anxious and start to avoid it. The facebook group is so much, the communication is constant and poorly done, and it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting to read the bad grammar, to see the same questions over and over, and to see people succeeding when you’re struggling. I feel silly typing all of that, but here we are. I need to find a middle ground between stringently following the rules, and completely binging. Following the rules to a T was successful, but frustrating and I felt like I was missing out. When we binge and go completely off plan, we feel like shit, but it feels less like I’m missing out and the surge of serotonin that the food gives in the moment is definitely a motivator. I have goals... they just seem so far away or unrealistic. Having babies, getting off my medication, looking amazing on my wedding day, new bikini for the honeymoon. All of it is simultaneously scarily close, and painfully far away. It’s hard for it to feel completely possible. Especially babies. I want to try to have healthy babies, but the process seems daunting, that if I don’t even get to that point, I can’t fail at it. I don’t know if that makes sense. The wedding isn’t far away at all, 287 days. My dress fits pretty well, and I feel good in it, so that’s not a huge deal. I’m thankful that that’s not necessarily a potential failure, I have a fantastic seamstress who will work the magic. I would like to feel better in my dress, but in the end, I know Chelsea is going to cry and that we’ll have the best day. That’s a good feeling, much less daunting. We’re planning on going to Hawaii for our honeymoon, and I’d love to have a pretty bikini and feel amazing in it. That feels somewhat accessible, far away, but still a little intimidating. I’ve worn 2 piece suits and felt good, but something even sexier? That feels more difficult. Getting off my medicine feels pretty far away too. I am off one med, mostly because I couldn’t afford it, but still, I know it’s possible. The rest though? Once I’m off my meds, I’m entirely responsible for staying off of them and taking care of my body, and that feels nearly impossible. I don’t want to fail and go backwards. I want to live my best, longest life with my future wife, our babies, and succeed. I just need to figure out how to get there. If anyone has any ideas of how to set myself up for success, or at least sabotage myself less, I’ll take it. I know I’m capable, I’m just afraid to fail.
