I’m posting this here because no one is watching..possibly. I normally record these thoughts but I don’t feel like hearing my voice.
I am having quite the dilemma...
In the past few days I’ve managed to call myself pointless, abrasive and that I have no real friends. The truth lies in there somewhere but I’m not sure what self-observations are correct anymore.
Yesterday, I think I went into a hard depression sleep. I slept all day and throughout the night. I haven’t had those kind of sleeps in a while, well maybe a month or so, but when I woke up that morning something triggered me and it was downhill from there.
Right now, the feels are manifesting in intense internal pain. It hurts to breathe, sit, lay down, walk...anything.
What has really been bothering me since late last year is how uneven my output is compared to input. Just feels like I’m always offering advice, resources, listening, etc. but I can never get that back. At this point of my life, it seems too late to create my core group. I know a lot of people. I’ve always been bad with friendship though. Friends that turned out to be bullies or manipulators. Family that does the same. Friendships that were a one way street, people I grew out of, people that left. I’m labelled as unfriendly, an asshole, mean, a bitch...because I decided to stick up for myself. There’s been one or two people that I’m not as close to anymore that I regret, but life and work happened to those relationships. Time goes by and you get too embarrassed to acknowledge it.
School and work kept me from thinking about it all. Now, I have neither. I’m getting older, supposed to be moving into new phases of life...scares the shit out of me. It’s easier to sleep through it. I can’t wake up without crying.
Studio isn’t as satisfying anymore. I dislike my space too often. I have so many shows and collections, public art ideas, shoot ideas that I’m holding onto in fear. Fear of no return on my investment, that it’s not going to be appreciated. You have to be a creator to understand that I guess...I explain it to other people and I get a Hallmark Card response. Why should I have to be okay with not getting what I want out of my career? I want to live this.
Home doesn’t feel comforting majority of the times. My bedroom is the worst, I stay in the living room as much as possible.
I pray, I cry, I talk, I meditate, I read....nothing.
It gets pointless to have these conversations, it’s always that they’ll believe God with me or pray for me. I really do believe and trust God but I can’t do anything with that in the right now. I’m still burdened right now, I’m still hurting right now, I’m still over it right now. I need tangible support...wouldn’t He want us to do that for each other?
annaxmalina
baratheonpilled
discoholicmusic
vaporwave
origamiaround
