TOO FAR GONE - sim jake (pt. 3)
⇝ pairing: downbad!sim jaeyun x downbad fem!reader
⇝ genre: college au, theyre nearly roommates, sloooooooooow burn (read pts. 1 and 2 first!) ANGST i’m very sorry, fluffy ending (i gotchu guys dw)
⇝ synopsis: two hopeless romantics and incredibly awkward people meet, neither knowing how the other feels
⇝ warnings: mentions of alcohol/drinking, possible SA (forced kiss), panic attack, suggestive language, making out, dry humping minors DNI
a/n: will they be idiots forever…or not? enjoy!!!! (also WHAT 300+ likes on part 1 is so crazy thank you all so much i love my readers mwahhhhh)
jake ignores you for the rest of the day. well, not really—he still talks to you occasionally, still smiles and jokes as normal, but you can feel a strange sort of distance. it’s like he’s restraining himself, holding back something, and you have no idea what.
and to be honest, it’s making you a little hurt. you had always been a bit oversensitive, ever since childhood. you didn’t really know what to call it—just that when you sensed a slight shift in someone’s tone or manner, you’d get scared that you’d done something wrong. and that’s followed you all the way to adulthood.
you confess this to chaewon while you’re getting ready to go to the club. it’s one that heeseung’s cousin recommended, but none of you have ever been, so you’re a little apprehensive. you get the impression that it’s one of those clubs where you really have to look the part, or you’ll be left alone at the edge of the dance floor, standing there awkwardly, not knowing what to do with your hands.
and that sounds a little bit like your worst nightmare.
you’re applying your mascara when chaewon says, without any warning, “jake likes you.”
you flinch, mascara wand nearly poking your eye out. “what?” you exclaim, turning to face her. “no, he doesn’t. i think i’d know by now,” you say dryly.
chaewon grabs both your hands firmly. “yes, he does. heeseung told me. he said that jake was a pussy and that he’d been trying to get him to do something about it for months now, but he was too scared or something.”
your brain feels scrambled. how could this be true? how could you not have known? is heeseung even telling the truth?
“so, what am i supposed to do about it?” you ask, sighing. “you think i’d make the first move? me?” you point incredulously towards yourself. “i don’t think so,” you say, shaking your head.
chaewon looks at you like you’re a little bit stupid, but also like she’s about to say something she knows you’ll disagree with.
“okay,” she says, abruptly slamming her hand on the bathroom cabinet. “we’re going out tonight, right? you want jake to stop being a coward, right?”
you nod tentatively. “yeah, but what does that…”
“we’re going to use the oldest trick in the book and make him jealous,” chaewon says.
you look at her like she’s crazy. “don’t worry, i’ll help you,” she says quickly. “i already know a guy who’s a friend of heeseung’s. he’ll think you’re cute. i’ll introduce you.”
“chae, i don’t know if it’s worth it,” you murmur. “do you think it’ll even do anything? i mean, it might just make jake think i’m unavailable or something.”
chaewon chews the inside of her cheek. “i did think about that, but heeseung doesn’t think he’ll give up that easily. it’s worth a shot, right?” she shrugs.
you hum in agreement and finish applying your mascara, heart already beginning to pound in anticipation.
the guys are already downstairs when you and chaewon come down after getting ready. you’d all been clubbing together before, so it wasn’t really anything new for jake to see you dressed up, but you’ve put in a little more effort tonight.
he thinks he might lose his mind just from looking at you. tonight, he thinks. tonight he’ll finally do something.
the club is full when you enter, bodies packed together under too-hot lights. the air smells of spilled alcohol, sweat and sex.
you kind of want to go home a little bit. but you pull yourself together as chaewon and heeseung lead the way over to another group of guys. “hey,” heeseung says easily, dabbing one of them up. “this is y/n, my girlfriend’s best friend. i was telling you about her, remember?”
the guy looks at you appraisingly. “hey, i’m nicholas, nico to my friends. nice to meet you,” he nods in your direction.
you nod back in greeting, not quite meeting his eye. there’s something that doesn’t seem right about him, but you can’t put your finger on it yet. and anyway, you have to concentrate. you’ll think about this later.
it’s not long before everyone has disappeared onto the dance floor, except for you and jake. you don’t know how it always ends up happening like this—you instinctually finding each other, even if your other close friends are there.
you’ve been nursing a drink for the past 20 minutes, not saying much, just glancing at the dance floor a few times. jake can’t understand why, and he’s just about to work up the courage to ask you to dance, when nico pushes his way through the crowds of people.
“hey, y/n,” he says, slightly out of breath. “wanna dance?”
you look at jake. and back at nico. and back at jake. and then you agree. “sure, i’d love to!” you say, more enthusiastically than you feel.
you really hope chaewon’s plan works, you think as you follow nico back into the crowd.
jake doesn’t mean to follow you. he really doesn’t, and he’s pretty sure it doesn’t count as following. but his eyes find you out of habit. you’re with nico on the edge of the dance floor, and that alone is enough to make jake’s jaw clench slightly. he knows he shouldn’t be feeling like this—you’re not his, he’s not yours. you’re not anything to each other except for friends who occasionally wake up in each others’ arms and call it platonic.
he can’t help it, though. nico’s hands are hovering on your waist, barely grazing it through the fabric of your top. he’s leaning a little too close for comfort—definitely too close for someone he met ten minutes ago, jake thinks.
but again, it’s really not his place. he watches you for a few more minutes before turning to find sunghoon in the crowd. he should let you be, he tells himself firmly. no matter if it hurts.
the dance floor is getting altogether too hot for you. you can feel your makeup melting off, despite you having sprayed about ten layers of setting spray on beforehand. you’re out of breath, and you can feel the beginnings of a stitch on your right side.
nico has been nothing but respectful—not getting too close, barely touching you, just leaning in enough that you can feel his breath fan across your neck, giving you goosebumps. you’ve danced with people at clubs before, sure, but you never let it get past that, because you wanted all your firsts to be with someone you trusted. not some random person you didn’t really know.
somehow, tonight feels different. like before, you can’t put your finger on it. it could be because you feel a little bad about doing this just to make jake jealous, it could be because it’s just altogether too hot in here.
you go with the latter, and say to nico, “i gotta get some air. i’ll be right back.” you turn to leave, but he stops you.
“i’ll come with you,” he says. “if that’s alright? i could use some air too.”
nico follows you out into a courtyard. it’s deserted, nothing except for a few cigarette butts and old bottle caps littering the ground. you spot a bench and take a seat, sucking in lungfuls of the cool night air.
you can feel nico’s presence beside you, but your mind turns back to jake. what could be doing right now? did he find a girl to dance with? did he even see you with nico?
before you can examine any further possibilities, nico breaks you out of your thoughts. “you’re really pretty,” he says softly, inching slightly closer to you.
“oh, thanks,” you laugh awkwardly. what are you supposed to say when a guy compliments you? you rack your brains, but come up short. belatedly, you’re pretty sure you have to have some kind of comeback ready.
but you can’t finish that thought, because as soon as you turn to face nico, he kisses you.
pure shock is the first thing that you register. then the sensation. unfamiliarity comes with the shock. then lips on your lips, his tongue trying to force its way into your mouth. the taste of alcohol on his lips, stale, and the smell of cigarettes on his clothes. his lips, pressing against yours, forcefully it seems. too forcefully.
then you register the wrongness of it all. then a blind panic comes over you like a tidal wave. you shove him away more roughly than you mean to, so much that he looks up at you, almost as shocked as you are.
“i’m sorry, i can’t.” you shake your head once, twice. nico’s features are contorted with something like surprise, but with something meaner underneath.
“you can’t?” he laughs. it’s a cruel sound, jarring. “should’ve known you were a virgin,” he says, a mocking edge creeping into his tone. “knew it from the way you couldn’t even meet my eyes.”
panic washes over you again. “i’m sorry, i just—” you scramble away from him as fast as you can, standing up.
“you just couldn’t handle it, could you?” nico laughs again, the sound cutting through the night air. he looks bored all of a sudden, like you weren’t even worth his time to begin with.
before he can get another word out, you turn on your heel, walking as fast as you can away from the courtyard. tears begin to blur your eyes, but you refuse to let them fall.
you wind your way through the crowds of people inside the club and wrench open the door, pushing past the bouncers and outside into the fresh air. you sit down on the curb, shakily wiping a hand across your lips. you can still taste him, the meanness, the force he used to kiss you like that. the tears begin to fall, dripping onto your knees.
and then you realise, with a hot rush of awareness, that your first kiss was just taken from you.
people often made fun of you in uni for wanting to wait for someone you genuinely liked, but you couldn’t understand why. it’s not like you ever insinuated waiting for marriage—god no—but you didn’t just want to kiss any random person. you saw kissing as an intimate act, something that should be shared with someone you really liked, and trusted.
hell, you weren’t even saying it had to be someone you loved. just not a dickhead in a club. was that so much to ask for?
the tears start rolling faster now, your sobs coming out in choked hiccups. you don’t want to believe that the moment you waited so long for, dreamed about after watching old 90s romcoms, was ripped away from you. the hopeless romantic in you feels cheated, like something was stolen.
you wouldn’t have even cared if he had just asked permission. but he didn’t. and now you feel more then angry—you feel violated.
you scrub your hand over your lips again, willing the taste of him away. your breaths are getting shakier, your chest rising and falling in erratic bursts. you blink fast, trying to stop the tears, stop the panic, just stop feeling so stupid.
but you can’t. there’s a tightness in your chest now—you’re not sure if it was caused by the dancing, or the alcohol. but you feel like you can’t breathe.
you fleetingly wonder if that counts as assault, but that only makes you cry harder.
you curl into yourself, pressing your palms against your eyes so hard you see those little explosions of colour. you pull out your phone, to text someone, call someone, but then you realise everyone’s inside. no-one will hear their phone ring.
they’re too busy interacting with each other like normal people. not overthinking the smallest things, not making fools of themselves like you just did.
you’re about to get up and go back inside to find chaewon when the sound of the door opening startles you. you turn around instinctively, just to see if nico had by chance followed you out.
but it’s not him. it’s jake.
jake’s lost sight of you for a while, now. he’s slipped off the dance floor as discreetly as he can, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. not to go and exercise some weird kind of alpha “she’s mine” ritual—just to make sure you’re okay.
after a few minutes, he spots you walking away from the crowd, nico following closely behind. something doesn’t feel quite right to him, but he pushes the feeling away. there’s nothing in your demeanour that screams “i’m uncomfortable” yet, so he waits. but he’s alert.
sunghoon sidles up to him as you disappear around a corner. “yo, you good?” he asks, looking genuinely concerned.
jake numbly gestures to the door you walked out of. “this means i have no chance, doesn’t it,” he says, feeling somewhat defeated.
sunghoon’s never been good at keeping secrets. especially not around jake. so don’t blame him when he remembers the conversation he overheard a few hours ago while you and chaewon were getting ready.
he sighs, realising what he’s about to say might make things a bit complicated. but, to him it’s better than having to watch jake pine over you for another five months.
“i wouldn’t say that,” he begins, watching jake’s expression closely. “i heard chaewon tell her you like her earlier. and then somehow coerce her into making you jealous so you would do something.” he watches jake’s expression morph into one of surprise, then of confusion, then…elation?
jake can’t believe what he’s just heard. “you…what?” he shakes his head vigorously as if to remind himself this isn’t a dream. “so i do have a chance, is what you’re saying. she likes me too?”
sunghoon looks at jake like he’s a complete idiot. “yes, jake, she likes you too. from what i heard,” he shrugs noncommittally, “she’s been pining for you almost as long as you have.”
jake thinks his brain just exploded. he’s about to high five sunghoon for telling him, or do something equally embarrassing and stupid, when he sees you push your way through the crowd, head down, walking fast. too fast to be comfortable.
he looks back at sunghoon. “she doesn’t look okay, right?” he asks, just to confirm.
sunghoon shakes his head, pushing jake gently towards the door. “go do something about it, then,” he says firmly. “go get your girl.”
the first thing jake sees when he reaches you is the way you’re curled in on yourself. you look small, your head buried in your knees.
you turn around, startled, to look at him. and the second thing jake notices is your tear-streaked face. your mascara is running and your eyes are bloodshot, and you look strangely out of it, like your mind’s not really here.
jake drops down beside you. “what happened?” he asks gently. he has an inkling of what the reason for your crying is, but he’d rather hear it from you before he makes a stupid decision. like beating nicholas up.
you try to speak, but your chest seizes up, and you can’t get in enough air to squeeze the words out. you open your mouth again, gulping down lungfuls of air. “he—he—” you gasp out.
jake scooches closer to you, putting an arm around your shoulders. he can feel how tense you are, feel your whole body shaking. he pulls you closer so your knees are touching, and so you can feel the warmth of his body against yours. “breathe, okay?” he says softly. “i’ve got you.”
you look at him now—really look at him. you feel your body relax, just a little bit, the tension easing out of you as you register his body against yours, the gentle pressure of his arm around your shoulder.
and then it all comes tumbling out. jake listens calmly, it seems, but you can see the muscle in his jaw clench slightly, and his arm tightens around your shoulder. you’re not sure if you just exposed yourself or not—you didn’t exactly say anything about the fact that you only talked to nico because you thought it’d make jake jealous enough to finally confess, but you kind of wish you had, just to clear things up.
jake doesn’t give the fact that he already knows away, though. he’s not sure what to make of this, or who he should blame. the romantic in him recognises that this is just something that happens, that girls can play games as much as guys can, and that while something undeniably awful just happened to you, you wouldn’t have been in this mess if you had just talked to him like a normal human being.
the notion solidifies in his head that he’s not the coward here. he’s not the one who couldn’t voice his feelings, he’s not the one who constantly complained about his position in your life to his friends. it’s you. and it feels a little mean of him to entertain the thought, but he can’t reconcile the you he knows with the one who played stupid, childish games and got yourself hurt in the process.
jake releases you abruptly, and you feel the cold rush back to your side, the loss of him sudden in the cool night air.
“did i…did i do something wrong?” you ask tentatively. you can feel the shift already—this is just how your mind works. having you always on tenterhooks as you worry about what other people think of you. jake’s brow is set in a way you’ve never seen before, and his eyes are harder, more focused.
he sighs, like he’s resigned to saying something he knows will be difficult to hear but he’s going to say it anyway. “lots of people have stupid first kisses,” he says. “it’s not a big deal. i mean, what did you expect would happen with nico?”
he gathers himself before his voice can crack—alarmingly, he’s more hurt than anything else that you couldn’t just come to him and tell him how you felt. “did you think i’d see you with him and just come running?” he scoffs slightly this time, putting more effort into it than it needs, the sound jarring in the quiet.
you sit up straight and move away from jake. no, you think. there’s no way he knows the real situation. for a moment, you think it might be better to just tell him he’s wrong, that you genuinely liked nico, that it didn’t have anything to do with him.
“i’m not a child, you know. we’re not high schoolers who can’t talk to each other. if you really liked me that much, couldn’t you have just said something?” jake says, more harshly than he means. he realises he might be pushing it a bit too far, just a second too late.
your face closes in on itself again, this time more with anger than anything else. “if i’m not wrong,” you snap, “you’ve liked me almost since we met. i’ve told you everything about me.” your hands twist together in your lap, words spilling out in a torrent. “i told you i was inexperienced, that i didn’t really know how romance worked outside of media, and somehow you still expected me to say something first? do you even realise how scary that is for me?”
jake looks slightly abashed, but you continue anyway. “okay, so what i did tonight was stupid. but did you even stop to think for one second,” you say, holding up a finger, “that it wasn’t even my idea? that i was unsure to begin with? look, i can admit that i made some mistakes. but don’t pin the blame all on me for not being open with you when you couldn’t possibly—” you break off as tears start rolling. hot, frustrated tears mingling with the shame of the whole situation, the embarrassment, and the hurt.
“couldn’t possibly what?” jake asks, more softly now. he takes in your expression, the set line of your lips pressed together, willing yourself to stop crying.
at that question, though, you couldn’t possibly control yourself if you tried. “couldn’t possibly like me, jake!” you blurt out, too loudly. “you’re so…” you gesture at his face, “and i’m just not in your league, and half the time you treated me like a sister anyway. so what was i supposed to think? that if some inexperienced, random girl who just happened to be your friend out of convenience because we’re neighbours confessed to you, you’d reciprocate?”
“that wasn’t—” jake scrubs a hand over his face. “that wasn’t me treating you like a sister, that was me giving you signs.” he sounds borderline exasperated, but he can’t help it.
“and how, just how,” you say, just as exasperated as he is, “was i supposed to know that? look, jake, i’m sorry you weren’t happy with how i handled whatever—” you gesture between the two of you— “whatever this was. but i think it’s better if we just…give each other some space.” your lower lip trembles, but you refuse to lose your last shred of dignity. “i’m walking home. don’t look for me.”
you get up, a little unsteady on your feet. you don’t even look back to see jake struggling to stop his own tears from falling. no, you speedwalk away from the club as fast as you can, wanting to put as much distance between the two of you as possible.
how could you have been so stupid?
luckily, the villa is only a short walk away, lights still twinkling cheerfully from when someone forgot to turn them off. you open the door silently, though you know no-one’s home. it’s just you, and your thoughts.
once you reach your room, you peel off your clothes slowly and step into the shower, rubbing cleansing balm slowly into your face, which feels absolutely raw from crying. the tears don’t stop, though—they only intensify. you can’t believe what just happened. it feels almost worse than if you had just confessed and been rejected.
because now you have this awareness that jake likes you, and that you like him too, but because of tonight, neither of you can do anything about it.
you shouldn’t have listened to chaewon. it’s not her fault, thought you do think fleetingly that she should know you better than to put you in a situation like that. it’s completely and utterly yours.
you should’ve known yourself better than that. that’s the realisation that hurts the most.
and you’re angry, you realise as you step out of the shower. really, really angry. you honestly can’t believe jake acted like that—maybe his ego was bruised, you guess.
or maybe he’s just like all those other guys who, at the end of the day, can’t take a virgin seriously.
as you pull on your pyjamas, you remember that jake will inevitably come home, and you’re sharing a room with him. but with another flare of bitterness, you lock the bedroom door with a soft, final click. pain smarts again as you feel the hopelessness of the situation wash over you.
but what could you really do? it’s the kind of thing where no-one is really in the wrong, you think, climbing into bed. it’s just two people who hurt each other without really knowing why or how—which also means there’s no clear way to fix it.
the thing that stings immeasurably is the loss of friendship. this becomes clear when you smell jake’s scent still on the pillow next to yours, which reminds you of the way you woke up this morning, wrapped in his arms, feeling so safe and held that you realise belatedly why it scared you so much at the time. because of things exactly like this.
you pop a couple of melatonin gummies and tuck yourself further under the blankets, willing sleep to come. the room is pitch black, just how you like it. despite your mind still reeling, you’re utterly exhausted from everything just happened—and you’re alone. just like you’ve been used to.
but you can’t sleep at all.
by the time morning comes around, you feel completely wrecked. you heard the handle jiggle at about 1 am, try a few times, and then give up. you knew it was jake. so you pressed your head further into the pillow and willed him away as hard as you could.
you drag yourself up out of the blankets and trudge to the bathroom, looking outside the window. it’s raining, of course. of course it would rain on a day like today when you already feel the tears threatening to fall.
you wash up slowly and apply copious amounts of concealer to cover up the dark circles under your eyes. but you look terrible, and no amount of makeup will help hide the raw hurt in your smile, you think as you practise it in the mirror. although there’s no point, because everyone will know what happened by now anyway.
opening the door feels like stepping out onto a battlefield. the house is quiet, too quiet, you think as you descend the stairs in search of breakfast. the only noise is your stomach grumbling loudly, too loud in the silence of the morning.
you’re about to contemplate what you’ll do if you see jake, when you do actually see him.
he’s leaning against the breakfast island in the kitchen, looking breathtaking as usual. but you can’t miss the exhaustion on his face, the unguarded hurt you catch a glimpse of before he sees you.
then it gets really awkward, really fast. gone are the easy mornings when you’d greet each other early and eat breakfast together in the communal kitchen. gone is the smile he’d give you when you entered the room—the real one, the one that would light up his whole face.
now he just looks startled. a flicker of hurt crosses his face once more, but then it disappears, replaced by a stony expression that’s borderline unreadable. you school your features as well and make yourself some cereal, with quick, practised movements.
you don’t look at him once.
chaewon moves into your room after that. she comforted you on the morning after it all happened, apologising profusely. “i’m so sorry, i really had no idea nico would do that, heeseung said he was a good guy,” she says, giving you a tight hug. “jake should never have expected you to make the first move. i’ll give him a talking to for you—although it sounds like you already did that.” she arches an eyebrow. “you know what, i’ll get heeseung to knock some sense into him. he won’t be able to ignore it then,” she says firmly.
“no, it’s really okay, chae. maybe we weren’t supposed to work out anyway,” you mumble into her shoulder, tears wetting her sweater. “maybe we should’ve never even become friends in the first place.”
chaewon shakes her head. “just give it time. i’ve seen how you two are together—even without romance, you always seemed happy with him. it’ll all work out, trust me,” she says, squeezing you tighter. “you’re not broken,” she whispers. “you both just need space.”
you don’t believe her. and it seems you’re right, at least for the rest of that vacation. you honestly feel pretty terrible about causing drama for the whole group, so you stay back when they go out, so jake can enjoy himself without worrying about you there. you barely even eat with them because you feel so shitty about everything, preferring late-night snacks when you can’t sleep.
it hits you after the third night that you can’t sleep because jake’s not there.
the vacation ends dismally. you haven’t spoken to jake since, sticking only with chaewon, rei and yunah, who promptly distanced themselves from the guys too. you actually don’t think there’s a way of fixing anything by this point—jake still looks borderline angry whenever he sees you, which makes you want to cry, and you know you’d be incapable of having a rational conversation with him anyway, since you’re so cut up about the whole thing.
little do you know, he’s having just as much of a hard time as you are. you’re stuck on parallels again—feeling the same, but never being able to do anything about it. he hates it, but he knows it’s his fault.
he realises it more acutely on the last night of the trip. heeseung’s let him be all week, letting him mope around at stupid hours of the morning, scrolling on his phone until he eventually falls asleep with it in his hand. he’s watched jake wake up in the morning and genuinely shed a tear at the thought of you. he’s heard from chaewon the whole story, obviously, so he decides he needs to be the voice of reason.
heeseung pulls jake aside at around 11 pm, when everyone’s gone back to their rooms. “jake, we need to talk,” he says firmly, like it’s not an option to back out now.
jake turns to look at him. “about what, heeseung?” he asks tiredly, although he already knows.
“about what you said to y/n.” heeseung sits down on the bed and pats the space next to him. “i don’t think you realise how much you hurt her. i’m not saying,” he lifts his hands up placatingly, “that she didn’t hurt you too. in fact, i think you’re both stupid and too scared to admit what’s been in front of you this whole time. but you need to be the one to apologise first, if you want to fix this at all.”
jake’s posture shrinks in on itself. he already feels really bad about the whole situation, but heeseung’s right—he is a coward. “what do i even say to her, though?” he asks. “i don’t think she wants to be anywhere near me at the moment.”
heeseung sighs. “this is the problem, jake. you don’t acknowledge how terrible this is clearly making you feel, so you just make excuses based on what you think she thinks.” he puts a hand on jake’s shoulder. “i’m not saying this to make you feel worse. i’m saying this because we’ve been friends for so long, and because y/n is my girlfriend’s closest friend. so what’s going on between the two of you affects her too.”
heeseung sighs again, like he knows this isn’t what jake wants to hear. “y/n already told chaewon that if you can’t make it up, she’ll ask to be reallocated into the girls’ dorm. it’s too much stress for her otherwise.”
that does it for jake. he’s been spiralling over what he could possibly say to you for the past five days, but always knocked the thought of actually saying anything back because he doesn’t think it’ll achieve anything. the thought of no longer being in close proximity to you, however, is enough to change his mind.
“i like her so much, heeseung,” he says, voice cracking slightly. “i don’t know why i said those things—i was jealous, i know that much now, but sunghoon had already told me it wasn’t real.” he lifts his head. “did i damage something beyond repair?”
“no,” heeseung says, pulling him in for a quick hug. “you can fix it. but you need to say something soon, because she’ll just keep on overthinking it until you do. and then you might lose a friend for good.”
by the time you get back to the university, you and jake still haven’t spoken. you’re genuinely considering badgering the dorm manager to move you back to the girls’ dorms, where you technically should’ve been this entire time.
but something in you is still reluctant. so you wait.
as you’re unpacking your suitcase, you reflect on the past few days. you feel pretty stupid, more than anything else, for even trying to make jake jealous in the first place—clearly, you’d just read too many romance books and blindly accepted the fact that it would work.
you’re also hurt, though. sometimes, you still feel a brief flicker of excitement at the fact that jake liked you, but then you remember he probably doesn’t anymore. you’re pretty sure he thinks you’re immature, someone who can’t handle real life situations without reverting to games or pettiness. god, he even thought you were being silly when you told him nico kissed you and you absolutely hated it, and didn’t want him to.
so what could you possibly have to say to each other? unfortunately, overriding the hurt, and the sense of betrayal you currently feel, is the realisation that you miss him.
you miss the way he would text you late at night when he knew you couldn’t sleep before an exam, just to say “i’m here.” you miss taking his dog for a walk when the weather got warmer—you even miss his mum’s cooking, which feels so ridiculous, because why did you even know his parents? you miss grocery shopping together, sharing airpods, building lego, just talking to him.
you’re about to grow some balls and knock on his door when a knock sounds at your own door. you don’t expect it to be jake, why would it be? in your mind, he’s still angry with you.
but when you open the door, he’s standing there, eyebrows slightly furrowed, and hands clasped awkwardly in front of him, like he can’t quite decide what to do with them. your expression mirrors his, you’re sure, because this is honestly the last thing you expected to see from him.
you can’t even get a word out before he steps forward and hugs you.
this isn’t one of his ‘one second’ hugs that you’d always complain about to chaewon, not one of the hugs that felt borderline brotherly.
this is bone-crushing. he pulls you into his chest so tightly you think you might suffocate, arms around you like you’re the only thing keeping him grounded. you don’t hug him back at first—you can’t, you’re too shocked—but without realising it, your hands come up to circle his waist, holding onto him just as tightly as he’s holding onto you.
and then he starts to speak, face still half buried in your shoulder. “i’m so sorry, y/n, i didn’t mean—” his breath catches in his throat, “i didn’t mean any of it. i was jealous, i was being so, so, stupid, i—” he catches his breath again, pausing. “i shouldn’t have put any of my insecurities on you. it wasn’t fair.”
he pulls back slightly. you open your mouth to speak, but he doesn’t give you time. “i broke your trust, and made you feel like you were in the wrong, but you weren’t, you trusted me, told me that you never—” you put a finger on his lips to shut him up, tears already welling in your eyes.
“no, i’m sorry, jake,” you say firmly. “i shouldn’t have put myself or you in that position in the first place. i was the stupid one. you just reacted to it.” you smooth your hands over his hair, trying to fight the tears.
he shakes his head. “i shouldn’t have used your words against you,” he says. “i knew how much your first kiss meant to you. but that didn’t count, you know?” he looks at you intently now. “what nicholas did doesn’t mean anything, yeah? especially because he forced you.” jake says the last part with so much conviction he feels tears well up in his own eyes.
you’re overcome with emotion, and you realise you’re still holding on to jake, so you hug him tightly again. “i forgive you, jake,” you say into the crook of his neck. “i don’t ever wanna lose you like that again. i missed—” you break off, wondering if you should say what you really feel. “i missed us,” you say, more confidently.
jake’s grip tightens on you, arms around your waist this time, which feels strangely intimate. “i missed us too,” he says, voice rough and wrecked. “let’s not—let’s not do that again, yeah? let’s be honest with each other.”
you pull back for real this time, nodding. you pat the bed, motioning him to take a seat beside you. “well, i…” you look sheepishly at him. “this is going to sound crazy, but i couldn’t sleep without you.” you realise how that sounded and hurriedly correct yourself, feeling your face heat with embarrassment. “i think it was just because we weren’t talking, i’ll be fine now, but i—”
“i’ll stay tonight, if you want,” jake says. “i mean, only if you want,” he says quickly, feeling his own face redden. “it’s fine if you don’t,” he says, words tumbling out even faster.
you feel a flutter of warmth in your chest. “that would…that would be nice,” you nod. “i’d really like that. let’s eat first, though,” you say. “god knows i need a good meal after all that.” right on cue, your stomach grumbles, and you both laugh. there’s a softness in jake’s eyes that you haven’t really seen before—maybe it’s because until now, he’s been holding you at arm’s length. you honestly hope he won’t put that distance between you ever again.
you and jake go to the japanese place you both frequent during term time. it’s cosy, with dim lighting, worn red booths and the best selection of udon you’ve ever seen at that price point.
you both order your usual—beef sukiyaki udon for you, prawn tempura for jake, and two beers. and it feels like old times, before anything fractured between you two. you think you’re probably being overdramatic as you reflect on that last part, after all, you two only spent about a week not speaking to each other.
but it felt like the longest week of your life.
“i feel like i have to ask something,” jake says, putting down his chopsticks for a moment. “you actually locked the door on that night, didn’t you?”
you pause, your spoon halfway to your mouth. “i mean…yeah, i was pretty upset,” you say, not sure where this is going. “but there’s literally a couch, did you not just sleep there?”
jake looks mock-offended. “that couch is the cheapest leather imitation i’ve ever seen,” he says dramatically. “i kept on slipping off, so i had to sleep in heeseung’s bed while he shared with chaewon.” he points a chopstick at you accusingly. “i know for a fact they were not just sleeping that night, okay? i would know, i couldn’t sleep,” he says, the last sentence coming out slightly softer.
“i’m blaming you for my trauma, y/n. if i die because the nightmares of those noises they were making won’t stop, it’ll have your name on the tombstone.” jake traces an imaginary title in the air. “murdered by y/n, it’ll say.”
you pretend to be shocked. “oh my god, i’m so sorry you had to go through that,” you say sarcastically, rolling your eyes. “how on earth would our dear jakey like me to make it up to him?”
there’s a pause. jake swallows, adam’s apple bobbing. he knows what he wants to say—something along the lines of “kiss me,” or “be my girlfriend,” but he still feels like everything is a bit too raw for that.
so he doesn’t say any of it. instead, he laughs, the sound coming out slightly more forced than he intends it to. “you could get this meal, for one,” he jokes. obviously, he’s the one paying for tonight. that’s the least he could do after everything.
you roll your eyes even harder, but you’re smiling. “since you’re sleeping in my bed tonight,” you say, “fine. this one’s on me, you can repay my emotional distress another way.”
and there it goes again. for both of you. that small, insignificant moment, where the line between platonic and romantic blurs so violently at the edges that you can’t even tell what’s what anymore.
you shovel another spoonful of beef and broth into your mouth to hide your facial expression. now that you and jake made up, you remember that on that night, you both essentially confessed to each other. the only problem was that neither of you could do anything about it at the time.
jake breaks the silence, trying very hard to steer the conversation away from something that involves putting a label on whatever your tenuous relationship is at the moment. “i have ice cream back at the dorm that may have been there since before we left…” he says, making that face that’s so familiar to you, that smirk that never fails to make you blush. “you have to help me eat it,” he stage whispers. “i also have sour straps. so. dessert?”
you laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. your tradition of udon and beer, followed by his favourite lollies (which also happen to be yours) was something that started very early in your friendship, and you can’t hide your smile at his mention of it now. “let me pay,” you say, finishing the last of your beer. “i’ll be right back.”
you have this determination in your eyes that makes jake think it wouldn’t be wise to protest, so he goes outside and waits for you.
when you meet him outside, you’re holding something pink and white and fluffy in your hands, and you have a very evil expression on your face. cute, he thinks. “what’s that?” jake asks.
you hold it up to him proudly. “i told the waitress i was here with my boyfriend,” you say. “it’s national girlfriend day, or something, so she gave me a discount and this…hat thing?” jake just looks at it, horrified. you’re holding a bunny hat, complete with ears and a nose on the top. “wear it,” you say. “this is your repayment for last week.” it’s not a request, he realises too late, as you jam the hat onto his head. it was an order.
you stretch up on tiptoes (though you don’t have to stretch much, unfortunately) to adjust the hat, not realising how close his face is to yours. there’s a moment of silence while jake just stares at you, wondering how he can possibly restrain himself from doing something stupid, like kissing you.
mercifully, you pull back at the last moment, taking his appearance in fully. “cute,” you giggle. “it suits you,” you sputter out, trying (and failing) to control your laugh.
and then you see something you’ve never seen jake do before. he blushes. hard. not something that could be mistaken for the excess warmth from the udon, or the humidity in the night air. no, this is a real blush. his face turns bright red all the way up to his ears, which immediately flush a bright pink. and then, even more shockingly, he giggles softly, putting his hand up to cover his mouth.
“…jake?” you look at him quizzically, still trying not to laugh. “you good there?”
jake snaps himself out of whatever that was as fast as he can. you’ve never called him cute before, and that did something alarming to his whole concept of masculinity. he feels like he’s about two seconds away from asking you to call him a good boy—although, preferably in a different context. preferably in one of your dorm rooms…
“uh, yeah, i’m fine,” he says quickly, willing his face to return to its normal colour. “let’s walk, yeah? you wear the hat. i don’t think it looks good on me,” he removes the hat from his head and places it gently on yours. “that’s better,” he says quietly.
a few minutes pass in a comfortable silence as you head back towards the dorm. you’re walking so close together now that your sleeve is brushing his. you wonder if you should take his hand—but what would that make you? together? something more than friends? obviously, you want that. but you don’t know if you can initiate something like this when you’ve quite literally never done it before.
but you can’t overthink it any more. because jake’s hand finds yours and intertwines his fingers with your own. he looks at you, slightly questioning, as if to say, “is this okay?” you’re momentarily surprised, but you squeeze his hand back anyway. his palm is warm, and you know your hand is getting unbelievably sweaty just from the proximity—but he doesn’t seem to care.
you stay like that all the way back to your dorm room.
“are you…still staying tonight?” you say cautiously. holding hands felt like something immeasurably significant to you, but you don’t know if you’ve taken it the wrong way.
jake looks at you like you’re crazy. “didn’t i already say i would?” he holds up your joined hands. “you can’t get rid of me now,” he says. “go change, and let’s have dessert.”
you both demolish the ice cream and lollies in about five minutes flat. then you just talk. about what the next year will hold (he wants you to walk layla with him more often—apparently, she misses you), about how chaewon and heeseung somehow always find a way to bring you two together.
that briefly silences both of you. “i mean…they are our best friends,” you say. “it makes sense that they’d know a lot about us.”
“sometimes more than we even want to admit to ourselves,” jake says, nodding in agreement.
you laugh. “perks of being in a healthy relationship.” you feel your face warm, because you didn’t mean to phrase it like that.
but the room quiets in a way that makes the air feel weirdly thicker. you can almost feel the short distance between you and jake like a tangible thing—you’re both on your bed already, and it’s only a single, so there really isn’t much room between you at all. normally, these things would be impromptu, something you could put down to coincidence if you happened to fall asleep together—something that didn’t disturb the line between friendship and something more.
tonight feels different. jake feels it as much as you do. the feeling of your body next to his is intoxicating, and he can smell your perfume, skin-warmed and sweet. he suddenly feels the overwhelming need to say something, anything, that will finally address the elephant in the room. that he likes you, a scary amount, and that he can’t wait for the ‘right’ moment any longer.
“y/n,” jake says, before he can stop himself. “i like you. a lot. you…” he takes your hand again. you look at him, slightly startled, but waiting for him to go on.
“i’ve liked you since the moment i saw you, if i’m honest. i thought you were the prettiest girl i’d ever seen. and you still are to me. but…” he looks down at your joined hands now. “it was what came after that made you someone who i never, ever want to lose,” he says.
he takes a deep breath. “i know i made you feel like you were too inexperienced, but i really couldn’t care—”
but he can’t get another word out, because without overthinking too much about it, you pull his face towards yours and kiss him. he makes a surprised noise in the back of his throat, like this wasn’t what he was expecting, but deepens the kiss anyway.
you obviously have no idea what you’re doing. however, you’re a quick learner, and jake’s a very good teacher. he parts your lips with his tongue, kisses you slow and sweet. your hands tangle in his hair, his come up to your face. he takes your bottom lip between his teeth, and it’s your turn to make a small, involuntary noise, which briefly embarrasses you, but jake thinks he could stay here, with you making that noise, forever.
you pull back slightly for air. “hi,” you say, voice completely wrecked.
“hi,” jake responds, smiling against your lips, voice equally ruined. “not bad for the first time,” he jokes. “i think we can do better, though, yeah?”
and then he’s pulling you in for another kiss. somehow, you’ve landed half on his lap, almost straddling him. his hands trail down to your waist now, drifting beneath your tank top and over your back. when he reaches your bra strap, your hips give a little involuntary roll against his—nothing more than a slight shift against him, but enough for you to feel the hard line of him against your core. you gasp into his mouth, experimentally rolling your hips again, the friction building deliciously as he kisses the sensitive spot below your ear.
the feeling of you grinding against him is almost enough to undo jake completely. he can’t stop himself from whimpering—actually whimpering—as you shift forward again, and he knows he won’t last long.
but he doesn’t want to overwhelm you by coming in his pants the first time you even kiss, so he pulls back. “y/n,” he gasps, rough with suppressed need. “let’s—let’s sleep, yeah?”
you rest your forehead against his. “i knew you’d edge me like that,” you grumble, but you slide off his lap anyway. “i’m not done with you, jakey,” you say, kissing his pulse point as you lie down next to him.
jake has to clench his fists to stop himself from losing it altogether.
but then your mood shifts slightly, to something more contained, more genuine, almost. you curl into his side and sigh softly. “for what it’s worth, jake, i’ve liked you since we met too. we just took a little while to notice it.”
he smooths his hand over your hair, pulling you closer to him. “nah, i think we found each other exactly when we needed to,” he says. “i wouldn’t have this any other way.”
and as you both drift off to sleep, you finally realise that with each other, you’re exactly where you need to be.
taglist: @sugarcwtie @honeyism0770 @jakebitez @wtfmrjeon @fabulousarepo4 @ily6968 (sorry to those who asked to be tagged but it didn’t work…hopefully the same thing doesn’t happen for part 4)
