To be honest, I'm a bit embarrassed being back here.. I feel like my after university self reading my middle school diary all over again. I think we dairy writers know what I'm talking about, right? *insert embarrassed monkey emoji here*
I wonder, if every time this feeling pops up, does it mean that I have evolved into a different person? Which is, of course, natural. Because, every time you feel like this, you see what you were blind of last time. You are now already out of the moment, the environment that had made you so focused on one aspect. You finally see yourself from the viewpoint of an outsider, which changes the oblivious into the obvious. By no means am I looking at my past self with content, instead with self-reflection and gratitude.
Anyway, it's surprising how it's just been a year and some months since the last piece. I remember a few weeks before, in a team event in which I went to an Italian countryside with my colleagues (by a 22 hours bus ride, being 6 months pregnant), one of my colleagues said that she thinks I'm the most grounded person around. Which surprised me, because it's true. I felt grounded and at peace, no matter what is happening around me. I was not trying hard to prove anything, to win anyone's favor, to please myself or other people. I was just trying to be in the moment, listening to myself, my body, and my baby. I was focused on not being stressed. That colleague of mine was wondering, if it was because of the baby, and I think so, too, a large part of it is because of the baby, who shifts the focus of my mind into something that really matters. Other part was because of my husband who makes me feel complemented, loved and secure. Another part was because of my work that has a sense of purpose, and my colleagues who makes me feel like I'm among the right people. My family, who are self-sufficient, understanding, and really loves me in the way that gives me space and freedom to actually focus on tackling my present and future challenges.
Talking about team event discoveries, honestly it's super surprising how much I enjoyed the team event because of what I discovered about myself and the baby. Mind you, this is an event where I was with the whole company somewhere remote and corporate events are supposed to be, well, corporate, right? But because start-ups are start-ups, the approach taken by the CEO for was totally non-conservative. There are a lot of 'spiritual' approach, like Qi Gong (active-meditative morning session), sessions like 'guided dreaming' and 'breath work', stuff like connecting with the sky and the earth by lying down in the ground, and talking 1-on-1 with your colleague for 3 minutes each while massaging their hands, werewolf games every night and karaoke sessions anytime anywhere. And perhaps, because my focus was on not being stressed for the well-being of my baby, the most important discoveries I made was about how I feel about my baby and how much connection I already have with him. In the 3-minute talking-hand massaging session with my colleague Carel (who is from Australia and has 3 kids), I was free to talk about anything on my mind for 3 minutes while being uninterruptedly listened to. It could be awkward, but I decided it didn't have to be. So, I talked about something that always happens in the backrgound of my mind: how I am already always worrying about my baby now and of course for the future. Will I be able to love and provide for him everything as best as my parents did for me? I honestly think I have the most selfless parents in the world, who always puts their children first and center their lives around their children. Would I, who is the result of such parenting, be able to do the same (if not more) for my child or would I put myself first because that's how I was raised? And how would the things I do shape my child? I didn't say it so elaborately, but I was just saying that I'm worrying a lot. When it was his turn to speak, Carel was being so kind and he was relating a lot to what I told him. He shared that he came from the same background: loving parents, who puts him first, while his wife came from an entirely different background. Of course, he had the same worry at first, but when his children came, in his words: they are already their own person. He didn't have to impose a lot on his kids, they already have their own personalities and ability to survive and grow. Therefore, I shouldn't have to worry. This really touched me and I teared up, so he also teared up. It was a beautiful moment with someone I didn't even talk to so much in work setting, and I literally just met him a few times (he flew all the way from Australia only for this event). It was so unexpected.
Another thing I discovered was during the breathwork session. I've never heard of this type of activity before, but it was basically a guided breathing exercise, where you breathe according to instruction: slow breathing, fast, holding the breath, silent, loud breathing, all kinds of. And surprisingly and unexpectedly, it had a massive (and various) effects on each person. Some people had physical sensations like shaking cold, some were sweating, some had cramps, some had vivid dreams, some had visions, and a lot of people were emotional especially nearing the end. Some people were really crying hard, to be fair, the instructors did warn that the sessions might bring up trauma or deep emotions for some people (some other people also felt and experienced nothing). I actually felt really at peace. I think it was around the question of: think of someone you love dearly, that I immediately thought of my baby. I realized how much I am connected to my baby, how much I already think of his well-being every day, and how much I already love him. It's not every day that I get to reflect on this fact, because of all the distractions, things I have to do and actually think about. Having my mind really focused on one thing felt amazing, and really it made me feel peaceful, grounded and just so present. It was a rare feeling, in this age of overwhelming information.
Who would have thought that I could discover some things so personal in a corporate event? On a side note, it was a very controversial team event. Some people really loved it, some people absolutely hated it. Well, that's start-up life for you!
I actually was not aiming to write about this when I opened Tumblr, haha. But it was long overdue and I'm glad I did.
