The Story Keeps Changing

Letters for your strength.

[hidingtheart]

Glass half empty, glass half full.

One thing so shiny, it makes you a fool.

Efforts and struggles to mark your territory,

you sweat, it drops, and the shine goes weary.

Now you own it, it's your possession. But you keep it on the side of a table, making shadows of its own.

Days go by, it becomes out of sight.

One day you sit on a calm chair, close your eyes. And in that dark something reminds you of that shine.

You get up hastily, run for the search, looked at a dull stone like a crooked earth.

Blow some air, smudge it with a cloth, and there's the shiny little thing you saw.

Reminds you of the first time you approached, you shed a tear, it drops, and the shine wears off.

[hidingtheart]

The perspective is, to each it’s own.

The world is vibrant, I am all in black and greys.

There in no word i can explain, why i carry the empty face.

[hidingtheart]

So everything becomes a lie and there is no happiness left behind, to look upon and say, "those were the best days of my life", coz they are just non-existent now.

Nothing remains anymore, and disappears the moment i try to hold it tight. It slips right through my hand and breaks, falling on the hard reality of "that's life".

To the sane mind, this makes no sense. But I'm screaming every past in my head, mumbling what i couldn't speak or yell, crying the tears I didn't show, just to tell you, I'm fine and I can make it on my own.

[hidingtheart]

My unfortunate luck doesn't let me see you in the daylight, my courage doesn't allow to see how bright you are.

So I am there at dusks and dawns, seeing you go down and rising up. Where you scatter wondrous colors in the sky that makes it so beautiful, for which everyone puts a camera before their eyes to see the clouds, saying "how wonderful the clouds look!" "How beautiful is the sky!" But I am interested in how you do it, how do you scatter colors so magnificently?

I am just a petty human, gazing out of my window, trying to gather courage, by just looking at you.🌄

[hidingtheart]

Patience and Tolerance, were my power.

When asked upon, naming your strengths, I say and always include Patience and Tolerance.

But these are very tricky words and attributes to go hand in hand.

Patience. (Noun) is the ability to endure difficult circumstances.

Keeping calm amidst the provocative havoc. Waiting for everything to fall on its place, at its time. Don't rush into decisions or actions in one's difficult times.

This patience checks the level of tolerance.

Tolerance. (Noun) the ability or willingness to tolerate the existence of opinions or behaviour that one dislikes or disagrees with.

The more tolerant you are, for the world to be harassing you in all possible ways, the more patience you keep before doing anything about it.

So, this in turn does not really comes out as a strength, but makes you weak, that you take up all shit people throw at you, and just end up wanting to give up at any given point.

How much can you drag yourself through the thorns? You bleed and bleed, and there is no time for the wounds to heal.

Yet again, you play tolerance as your strength. Keep walking through jungle of prickly stems, no matter what more hurts you or the old wounds that are still fresh. But you choose not to give up at all, for the desire to see what is at the end of this seemingly endless dark forest.

There is hope of healing, there is that not giving up attitude, and there is you standing in the middle of everything, with the desire to end the misery for all at once.

Patience and Tolerance were my power, i choose to keep them today too. Cause giving up is the weakness, I know I ain't made for.

I am empty of emotions, and suddenly I'm full of rage. I got no channel out, but I'm not going to choke up too.

[hidingtheart]

Self love, eh?

If you're a person who truly believes in self love, you should believe that you love yourself despite the faults in you, and not believe that you're the best and above all the people in the world. There is thin line between putting yourself first and putting yourself above everyone.

You believe you have got cracks, and it isn't end of the world. While you cherish yourself, you also try to fill in those gaps, or may be not, coz you accept who you are. You know it's not perfect, but you love yourself and never let yourself down.

There is thin line between loving yourself and being humble to people, and thinking high of yourself and demeaning others. You might make people feel worthless, in the name of self love. And while that makes you feel better, it might hampers someone's self-worth.

How fragile is your concept of self love, that you get insecure or startled when someone tries to come to your own level. You push people away from your personal proximity. You worry that you wouldn't be able to love yourself the same. You don't share the love for yourself with other. What you have for you, what you have for other, is different. If it's strong, if you're strong, you'll have enough love for you and for the other. I never say that don't love yourself, but the moment you favor yourself and hurt the other, it isn't self love, but being selfish. But if the odds are against the bad, You Do Choose You.

Love yourself, but be kind to people. Favor yourself, but don't hurt the other. There's always a way out.

[hidingtheart]

I don't get what is it in my hand, that yours always slip away.

May be you know, and I see , but something isn't really helping!

I'd say, bare with me, please :)

[hidingtheart]

well reading this might take some of your time.

So here's a thing about, 'you can be anything you want to be'.

A nothing to someone, but everything to you. Or nothing to yourself, but everything to someone. You can be a star in your own life, or be a sidekick in someone else's. You can be as happier you wish to be and bring out the silly optimism, or be one pessimistic bitch. Cry over why everything is bad in your life and doesn't go your way, or smile a lil coz yea that's life ! what you're gonna do about it anyway.

You can be the characters you've been watching and reading about! I feel I am Bojack, "Horseman obviously", ruining everything that comes along. Life try giving me a lemonade, I remix some vodka with it and end up sucking on some lemons after I throw up. Or may be life did give me lemons, but i was too tired to make any lemonade.

For I can be whatever i want to be, I can be this writer that write shit blogs here, or a poet whose poems are dumb and dead, for my words typed in my notes means a lot to me, and may be nothing to you.

You can be your priority, your love, your reflection in the mirror that listens to yourself. Trying to give a Ted show for yourself.

You can be a tiny atom in this vast galaxy, or decorate your own world. You can be your biggest joy or the persistent disappointment (trust me, you don't wanna be it).

You can be confident, You can be patient, You can be strong, You can be tolerant to just go on and on in life. Coz that's what it is about, It is the letters to your strength, my strength. :)

I had a lot in my head about what to say what I can be , guess I can be forgetful too.

You can be anything you want to be, there is magic in those words, it encourages you to be your highest self. It pushes you out of your imaginations and think about one thing or may be many, that you want to be.

And now may be you're an artist in a drama, living in other possible realities. You can play any part you want , be whoever you want to be. Hiding in your insecurities, putting your best act out. But don't lose your true self in order to be anything you want to be. Because at first you should know how to be You.

Now if you've taken time to read till here, I can also be what you want me to be (you obviously need my consent tho) . I can be your friend, your biggest supporter, your best friend, your great fan! your little sister, your partner in crime, something important in your life you want me to be, your love, your medium of catharsis, your diary, your smile, your pain, your words , your strength...I really don't want to be a weakness.

[holyisthenameofmyruthlessaxe]

The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action, Audre Lorde

[hidingtheart]

While silence remains a comfort and a discomfort at the same time.

[hidingtheart]

Happiness is like the light at the end of the tunnel. When you try to reach for it, you suddenly hear the horn of the train which within seconds runs over you. :)

[hidingtheart]

There is joy in their heart. Joy of seeing faces of their family after so long. And there is joy in me for being a part of it, for being a medium of their happiness.

For how that blood donation advertisement goes, "करके देखो, अच्छा लगता है।" I felt it today.

I understood no word they say but tears in their eyes before the call, and a vibrant smile after the call says it all. :)

[hidingtheart]

One compensate for the mis-happenings of the childhood, throughout their life.

Some repress them in a part of their brain from where nothing comes out, some become the part of hysteria.

For the stage that shapes our form and more, got many errors, it becomes a great deal to come out just fine.

[hidingtheart]

I have painted my skies and seas', with different thoughts and their different colors.

And whenever I felt a lil incomplete, I paint a dying sun for my sky and a lone yacht for my sea.

Where I say, it might still be a dark night of different frightening possibilities, but I do keep the sun's warmth and a sail that won't let me drown.

[hidingtheart]

[hidingtheart]

Night after night, a nightmare appears and becomes an unpleasant memory of the day

Memory that puts me through misery, misery that ties me up with insecurities, self-doubts,

with the hauntings of the past, and with what Freudian theories are capable of.

Like i meet Incubus in night, and fight for my believed purity, but in the morning i open my eyes, and you know the tale of dirt i have been touched with, that follows till it destroys my sanity.

I have felt my nightmares come alive, even the worsts.

The nightmares warn me, prepare me, and haunt me, for the day when it might becomes my reality.

When it's there, i feel like i saw it coming, I say that i was prepared for it, but it really does the whole damage.

So shall i live in the fear of something worse happening to me, or should i just let it go coz it's just in my head.

Should i wait till i can come to the conclusion, if my cat is alive or dead.

[hidingtheart]

You know, may be not with you, but there are moments in your days when you stop and think about your past, and for that moment you be brutally honest with yourself and try to answer what's fundamentally wrong with you, and why are you the way you are today?

Then you try to reason out with the first wrong that happened to you, how your childhood had been, how your friends came out to be, how your first love was your biggest lesson.

You learn from that, you outgrow from your scars, or there are wounds that never heal. You just somehow learn to fight for your survival anyhow.

And when the life's happening to you, you are simultaneously running in the endless race of education, career, and a survival based on money, but this isn't about that.

It is about all the wrong decisions you made in your life, every wrong person you chose to be with. May be it's about consequences of bruises and uninvited dark souls that touched you. It is about not being able to let things go and move on. Coz it's like our tongue that always reach the spot where it hurts, but it heals. doesn't it?

Moreover, It's about after living away from home and getting back because of Corona Virus and starting to address your home as a hell hole.

It's about screaming in your head once in a day, "Fuck you, Freud."

And that's how I get my answer for what's fundamentally wrong with me.

That is where the stairs go, to the levels overthinking, self-criticism, and may be to some art. :)

[hidingtheart]

It has always been about what's in the inside and what is portrayed on the outside.

And it's all about the inner demons you're struggling to set free.

A thought from my younger self.