LILY EVANS:
he was trying to defend her from herself. lily didn’t need the defense, though———— or better yet, lily didn’t deserve the defense. while he insisted that she wasn’t a shoddy friend, there was no way to twist what she had done in a good way to gladys. lily was torn, because while she would never want to tell her friend and break her heart & trust, she also could never lie to her. one of these days, it would get back to her ( somehow, someway ), and lily thought it would be better if one ( or both of them ) told her straight off. yet, the idea of breaking her friend’s heart was something that made her want to run away. or perhaps, even get a time turner to fix it. ————no, she couldn’t do that either. not only did she not like that idea, but no doubt she still would probably find herself in this same predicament once more. somehow, someway. in no way did lily consider herself a perfect person. her sister had called her perfect several times ( mostly that their parents thought she was ), but she said ‘perfect’ with such bitterness & distaste. lily knew it was unhelpful to argue with petunia, because it would never get her anywhere. if only tuney was here now————— she’d see clearly how un-perfect she was. lily tried to live her life making good choices, accepting others for who they were, and staying strong to her beliefs. every single one of those beliefs told her that what she had done was wrong. and while she’d continue to beat herself up & agree that it was wrong, it was also something she couldn’t say she 100% regretted. there was upset with herself, but very, very little regret. she didn’t have to wait very long for any sort of reaction. it had been difficult for lily to admit so bluntly something that she had been ignoring & harboring on her own for awhile. it had been hard enough saying something to dorcas about it, and she was her best friend. it was even harder to say to to james——— the boy that all of the confusion settled around. james had a similar feeling of guilt, lily was sure. she could tell by his former facial features, along with just simply knowing him as the person he has grown to be. but those emotions were wiped away quickly as what she said sunk in. it was replaced by a grin—— which would’ve reassured lily that he still liked her, even though she was fairly certain of that based on the way that he had kissed her. the follow up words helped too, though. or perhaps it just was another dash of complication. they both liked each other, but james was dating gladys. there wasn’t anything that could be done about that—————— or apparently there was. she honestly had only kissed him to sort out her feelings. she hadn’t wanted to be the cause of a relationship ending. the only time she didn’t mind ending a relationship was if she was one of the two people involved. but no, not this time. she was the outsider in this situation; the outsider that james just suggested he would break up with his current girlfriend for. ————— he started planning a little about them; when it would be safe for them to be together, if she wanted to be together. lily fought the urge to reach out, what would’ve been a quiet, gentle reminder that she did like him still.
❝ what are you going to tell her, exactly? are you going to tell her about what happened? ——— i almost feel like at least one of us should. she’s smart. she’ll figure it out when she sees us. ❞
what are you going to tell her, exactly? the words echoed in his mind for a moment before the only answer that came to him was i don’t know. i didn’t know what he was going to say, he was more focused and worried on the fact that they have to break up. because he cheated. because he’s always been in love with someone else. there were a lot of things he could tell gladys as reasons for breaking up, each one of them were going to break the girl’s heart. that was the worst part about all of this the fact that no matter what, gladys’ heart will be broken and he’ll feel ten times more guilty. it’s his fault. he should never have started this relationship ( if you call it that ) and he should have never kissed lily back. that last part would have happened, at some point, if it wasn’t now. because the last point he’d make is that it was always going to be lily.
options weighed around him. on one hand there was the truth, telling gladys everything that’s been bottled up inside of him for a while now. question the relationship, bring up the fact the two of them never talk but are attached at the lips constantly. then tell her about kissing lily, how it had been unexpected but it meant something. all of this would be thick with his guilty, apologies spewed every chance he could. i’m so sorry, i’m so incredibly sorry for breaking your heart. i’m sorry for cheating on you. i’m sorry for lying to you. i’m bloody sorry. but the truth wasn’t something everyone needed to hear, even when it was the right thing to do, because the truth hurts as much as a lie.
on the other hand, he could tell her only parts of the truth. omitting the parts gladys didn’t need to hear. she didn’t have to know that he questioned their relationship, what to call it, and hated the fact that they never talked. their relationship was still something, it meant something to gladys, and she should at least have some good memories about it. even though he couldn’t omit the whole truth, all of his options pointed to one thing, he had to tell her about the kiss. this brought up another question to weigh, should he do this alone or with lily present?
he has to do it alone. his relationship, his problem. maybe he just wanted to keep shielding lily from the inevitable.
gladys didn’t deserve him. every time his decision kept turning further and further from the full truth, it was obvious that this unsuspecting girl deserved a lot better than james potter. she deserved someone who wasn’t so ready to cheat. she deserved someone who’d rather snog than have a conversation. hopefully she’ll find someone better after he has to break up with her. merlin, when did this all get so complicated?
“as much of the truth as she should hear. honestly, there’s a lot that she should know but i don’t think i’ll be able to tell her without wanting to curse myself; let alone having her curse me. which she very well could and i’ll let her.” there was a small, yet nervous chuckle from james, but it didn’t make him feel any better. “i’ll tell her that we kissed, since she deserves that in the full truth. but i’m going to tell her that i wasn’t fully in the relationship and she deserves someone who is going to give her a hundred and ten percent. i’m not the guy for her.”
even if the two of them waited before publicly dating or doing anything, james knew that he’d be wishing to be close to her all the time. it’d be worse than when he only had his crush, thinking about her lips as a foreign and new concept and not knowing what it was like to press her close to him. waiting would be worse because he knows how it feels, he knows what it’s like to snog lily evans and there’s no way to go back from that. not when they both like each other and that much has been admitted. could he control himself? keep himself from wanting to steal a gentle touch of finger tips as they walked near each other? could he stop himself from staring at her lips and remembering how they felt on his? he couldn’t, he knew that much was true.
“whatever i tell her isn’t going to make her feel better and she’s probably going to hate us, hopefully me more than you, but i don’t regret it.”
