[himalayaan-flowers]

I am so sorry to anyone I have ever hurt.

[himalayaan-flowers]

nice people do you exist? 😔

right now I'm feeling like everyone in the world is heartless and untrustworthy and I need to know if my perspective is skewed or not please

[himalayaan-flowers]

I am never going to understand people who have children without even thinking about how to raise them so they don't get fucked up

[himalayaan-flowers]

all i have known my whole life is misery and stress and anxiety and shame and being forced into doing things i hate and being constantly judged and compared to others and criticised

so idk how society expects me to be productive. like you put me down so much i have absolutely nothing to offer you now. my self worth is at -100. it's not that i am angry or resentful and *unwilling* to give. it's that i just feel dead inside and have nothing now that i can offer.

maybe i never did. but i felt there was potential in me to be kind & loving & affectionate but if there was any flame it's gone out. i don't feel hateful. i just don't feel anything.

i just see humans as self serving creatures who manipulate others to get their own needs met. no kindness is genuine. no one is trustworthy.

[himalayaan-flowers]

i don't know how to explain to religious people who insist that i must "love God" and "have faith" and "be grateful" that feelings cannot be forced. yes you can pray to God "change how i feel" over and over and over and over and over but how many times exactly are you expected to do that until something changes? what's the magic number? because it never has worked for me. i don't want to hear "just keep trying".

i don't have any feelings of love for God. how am i supposed to feel love for someone whose presence i have never felt, who refuses to communicate in a way that isn't cryptic and confusing, who apparently has the ability to intervene to stop horrible things from happening but doesn't, and DEMANDS that i love him or i get tortured forever? it doesn't work that way! you can force me to ACT in a loving way, you can get me to say "i love God", but i would be lying! you can force me into church services and to do good deeds and try to get me to "fake it until i make it" but to call me sinful for emotions or lack of emotions that i do not choose to have is not fair.

nor can you FORCE belief in something. you can say out loud "I believe x" over and over but you still know that you're lying to yourself

i don't even want to go to heaven. i don't want "a relationship with God". i don't want to live forever. what i want is just not to exist at all without it having a negative impact on anyone. some religious people will accept that and say that's fine, God will just delete you - that's ok, though i resent having had to be born in the first place. But some people come out with the threats of eternal suffering and punishment and that's what makes me so angry. it is the most abusive relationship ever "believe in me and love me or i will have you tortured forever and it's your own fault for being sinful with the free will that i forced you to have"

you can make me fear your God but not love him

[himalayaan-flowers]

[himalayaan-flowers]

i'm so tired.

if there's a God i can't imagine any reasons for him creating me other than him just plain wanting me to suffer/be humiliated, wanting me to look bad so others shine brighter, or wanting me to do some kind of labour. but he doesn't even bother to tell me what the reason is.

i don't expect other people to care about me. like genuinely i don't resent people because if i were someone else i wouldn't want me either. the thought of being loved actually makes me cringe

what i do resent is being forced to exist without even being told what it's for. like people say God doesn't make junk but i am junk. it's not self pity it's just an observation i don't need to be contradicted. i can't ever seem to meet other people's needs. i try to be useful but end up just causing more work. i don't think i'm capable of being unselfish so the only thing i can do is withdraw because i don't want to be toxic.

i don't want people to have to spend emotional energy on me i just want to not have to feel anything and not have any needs my entire existence is an inconvenience and i don't think it's fair to say i don't try not to be but i'm never trying enough it seems. i used to think "maybe if i'm dead i'll matter then" but i don't care about mattering now, to want to matter just seems narcissistic and embarrassing bc i'm just one out of billions. i don't want anyone to feel guilty or to miss me. i just wish i could erase my entire being i'm so tired but society makes absolutely no sense to me the messages i get are always "you are the problem" but then "you're not allowed to stop existing" and it's like you must want me to live and change then: what do you want me to change? i can't change my emotions or thoughts, so it must be my behaviour. do you want me just to be quiet & just get on with being productive?

because being productive is difficult when you feel you have no energy left to give and every time i try to build it up there's always something which gets in the way. i don't particularly like the idea of being created to be a machine for society but i can't even be a good machine if i have no energy. i also don't possess many gifts to make anything worth making

[himalayaan-flowers]

"mental endowments they have given you: you are formed for labour, not for love"

[schmergo]

Jane Eyre still captures what it’s like to be a weird angry little girl (which isn’t something you grow out of being, you just get better at hiding it) better than anything I’ve ever read

[himalayaan-flowers]

i'm sorry but it feels like existence is all just one big scam where children get told they're special and important and that they have a beautiful destiny waiting for them and then they all get crammed together with others who have been told the exact same thing and fed this narrative that if you work hard you will have a fulfilling life. and they believe it because their parents are sending them there and they trust their parents and their parents are probably under the illusion too. but the goalposts are always moved. you finally get through your education and it's like ok have i earned being happy now? no, you have to repeat the same cycle again with work for the next 50 years. will we have earned being happy after that? no!!!! it just screams "Animal Farm" to me!! but hey maybe we will have earned a place in heaven after all this? that's definitely not made up to keep us motivated!!! we're definitely encouraged to have kids because it will be beautiful and fulfilling, not to drag another soul out of nonexistence to help prevent the economy from collapsing!!! i'm so tired of being lied to!!!

[himalayaan-flowers]

i feel like we are taught values that people should look out for one another but then "no one is responsible for your happiness but you* it all confuses me so much.

[himalayaan-flowers]

[heightenedheartbreak]

“Intense love always leads to mourning.”

- Louise Glück

[himalayaan-flowers]

the endless wondering of "is everything i feel and think wrong and unjustified or am i being gaslit or is it a mix of both and how am i supposed to know when i'm right or wrong"

[himalayaan-flowers]

i feel like it's impossible to police your own thoughts because you are always going to be vulnerable to bias

but when i let other people police my thoughts, they are vulnerable to bias too?

i am made to feel SO much guilt and shame and i can never tell how much of that is because i deserve to feel that way and how much is because other people benefit from me feeling that way

as for policing my emotions...i really don't know if that's even possible, to force myself to feel something i'm not

i don't know what you're meant to do when you can't trust yourself OR anyone else

[himalayaan-flowers]

i bet everyone put snow white's stepmother on a pedestal and told her how lovely she was and made a big fuss of her until snow white was born and then the affection was transferred over to her instead.

i am curious what happens when snow white discovers that prince charming already has a daughter from another marriage, and she will always be the one he loves most.

i am wondering what happens when the dwarves lose interest in snow white as she ages, and they adore her stepdaughter instead.

does snow white turn into her stepmother, or is she happy for the stepdaughter? or is it more that she WANTS to be happy for her, so she puts on a smile but inside she feels a void growing inside her that just makes her want to cry?

how does someone go from being beloved to invisible?

[guineapiggies]

Via motpoes.cavia