hinata @hinatarexie - Tumblr Blog

i'm more adult than i ever thought i'd be. i'm in the final semester of my bachelor, about to get an engineering degree. it feels like just so recently i was studying for my final high school exams and stressing about getting into a uni, and now somehow i'm thinking about applying to jobs and exiting the student phase of my life... what the fuck. obviously aging is inevitable, but god am i OLD now.

we fell in love in october. again. it's been five years since the last time... and the third i've ever fallen. we were sixteen the very first time we fell in love, and now i'm twenty-one. each time it keeps happening faster: four weeks, two weeks, one week. this time i'm much more cautious though. i love thinking about things in numbers: quantifying unquantifiable emotions allows me to apply a false sense of logic to the least logical feelings. it allows me to abstract the very real sensation into a collection of facts and statistics. afterall, we quantify time in the same way, despite its inevitable passage we choose to track it to apply this same false sense of logicality -- physics envy in a way. we know time isn't really a linear phenomenon, it warps and stretches across our universe, it's relative to your frame of reference. yet we choose to quantify it linearly, in an attempt to understand it, make it seem less intimidating. i see falling in love and aging as two very intertwined processes: both with the core of time running through them, both universal experiences. although some may say love at first sight exists, i believe love takes time. the time it takes warps and stretches with respect to your frame of reference, centered around the subject of your gaze. in parallel, aging also doesn't occur linearly. your experience shapes how fast you perceive your change in self -- you can have stretches of time feel completely stagnant, while those exact same stretches can feel like they completely transform you as a person. it's the lived experience that counts after all, not the time passed. people always say that time keeps passing faster and faster, and it's objectively true: your perception of how long a year is with respect to your lived experience is inversely proportional. again, trying to quantify a perception. i struggle understanding myself as a single, continuous being. i have all the lived experience of me at four years old, ten years old, fourteen, sixteen, and twenty, but somehow these memories always feel detached. i feel very secure in the person i am at any given time, but it's difficult to visualise the transitions for the changes i've gone through. i remember what it was like to be sixteen, but i struggle to emphathise with her, to identify with her. i inherently understand why she did what she did, but i can't access her decision making process, i can't sincerely comprehend her. i age as a continuous process, but when i try to recognise the progression, it only appears in discontinuous jumps, a piecewise function of sorts. this is the hardest thing for me to understand about my lived experience. it's easy to get lost in the motions of life: both the routines and the spontaneity. it's easy to live, but it's hard to understand. and when you try, of course, like the millions before you, you reach the age old question: why? i like to think that ultimately, it does not matter if there is a why, because it just is. while i like this approach, really, it is just avoiding the question, because there is no way to know. it just is. we exist, we love, we age.

me when the bul1mia is no longer just a fun little oopsie

can i have to bul1mi4 that makes you skinny pls because why have i gained 8kg

i fucking hate bul1mia

yesterday would’ve been our three year anniversary. you know, when we broke up, i had to change the password to all my devices. because every single one of them was our anniversary, and i could not bear to be reminded of what i gave up. i had really thought this through. i know it came unexpected to you, but please know that i really did consider it. but despite having thought about it for months and months, it actually happening? yeah that’s different. i cannot believe it’s approaching five months since we broke up. you’ve become a stranger to me but somehow it still feels so fresh. i feel like it was only two weeks ago i’d cycle past your house and decide to drop by. but then again, ive been cycling past your house, knowing you’re there, but knowing we have nothing to do with each other anymore, for months now. it took four months before i happened to run into you, i gave that smile you give someone you kind of know when you see them in passing. but you’re not just someone i kind of know. but i guess as time goes on, you go from someone i completely knew, to someone i only once knew. happy third anniversary, or not i guess.