Horatio? You've probably never heard of him...

This blog does not portray the characters of william shakespeare's hamlet as they originally appear. This project is designed to parody said characters by portraying them in a modern day setting.

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Also Horlet isn't exactly the best couple name either. Sorry bud it ain't meant to be.

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Thrift Shop

Horatio's heart was pounding in his chest. He never thought Hamlet would agree to go thrift shopping with him, and now that he finally had he could hardly believe it was real. He watched as the young Dane scrutinized a pair of faded black jeans, and couldn't help smiling at the look of discomfort on his face. It was obvious that Hamlet had never been in a thrift shop before.

Adjusting his forest green cap, Horatio pretended to inspect a rack of tees with all the nonchalance he could muster. The word in town was that Claudius had tried sending Hamlet to military  school in England, and his stepson had run away as a result. It must have been hard on him, he thought. He could comfort him, let him know he was there for him. Maybe then...

"Hamlet," Horatio started, running a hand over his thick brown beard. "I'm really glad we're finally spending time together, just the two of us. Things are always so noisy at your uncle's bar and it's hard to really talk about things, isn't it? Sometimes I feel like when I'm there nobody even notices me, and I'm just sitting on the sidelines and...."

"Oh, Horatio!" Hamlet's light, crisp voice broke the momentary pause. Horatio looked up to see Hamlet gazing at him intently. "Look at this animal skull I found, Horatio! Doesn't it remind you of the inevitable nature of like, death and stuff? The wretchedness of all our existences? Just think, this cow might have eaten of grass upon which some great revolutionary breathed his last!"

Hamlet kept talking, and talking, and talking without signs of stopping. Horatio released a sigh of defeat, but soon found himself smiling nonetheless. Hamlet was, for the moment, happy. That was all that really mattered to him.

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Locations

For simplicity's sake, Denmark and Norway should be read as neighboring American towns named for the original European settlements.

The Elsinore Bar and Grill is a chain of restaurants run by Claudius.

England is England.

France is France.

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Just to reiterate, if you don't like Fortinbras then you're wrong. Take all the best traits of Hamlet and Laertes and sort of smash them together and you have the epic style that is uniquely Forti's. Not pictured is the Norweigan sweater he sleeps in, because in addition to being awesome he's also kind of adorable.

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Fortinbras

Fortinbras is probably the most awesome guy on the whole planet. He came from a family as wealthy as Hamlet's, but they've been attending rival schools their entire lives. Apparently, Forti's parents picked the right schools, because their son is like the best at everything. He's determined, charismatic, respectful, and even captain's the football team over at Norway. Basically if you don't like Fortinbras you should probably just get out now.

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Does anyone actually care what R&G dress like cause I don't.

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Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Wait, who? R&G are best pals, but they look so much alike that everyone assumes they're identical twins. They come from rather well to do families, and went to the same private elementary school that Hamlet attended. Apart from that they're basically not interesting at all and everyone knows it. You might as well say they're just rich douchier versions of that Horatio guy, whoever the eff that is.

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Take a wild guess at where Laertes learned to dress. Polonius has a bit more wardrobe innovation than his son, but he still keeps things fairly simple. His big secret? His favorite color is purple, but he's afraid if he tells his son it'll somehow turn him to hard drugs. Oh and Polonius' shoes are always freshly polished. Like they are the shiniest things this side of Denmark.

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There comes a point when you just have to tell someone to stop what they are doing immediately. For Gertrude, that time already came and went. After obtaining her second husband's credit card, she essentially overhauled her entire wardrobe in an attempt to transform herself into a peacock. Still, she's way cooler than that lame son of hers.

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Polonius

Polonius is the helicopter father of Laertes and Ophelia. When he's not scrutinizing every last one of his son's tweets, he can usually be found assisting Claudius in keeping things running. Although he often seems a bit like a bumbling idiot, he's actually quite crafty when it comes to keeping an eye out on potential business threats or opportunities. Because of this, he's one of Claudius' most trusted confidants. He doesn't have nearly as much money as the big man himself, but he lives quite comfortably.

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There's not a lot to say about Claudius. He dresses like a cartoon character. The man wears the same blue suit every day, or maybe he has an entire closet full of identical blue suits. The world may never know. Fortunately, the world doesn't really care.

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Ophelia wears all of this stuff. She's just kind of adorable in her own little special snowflake way. Hamlet must have a thing for folks with broken fashion senses, because neither Ophelia nor Horatio know how to match colors. The looney lady is slightly more adept at pulling off her look however, and has the money to afford a decent new pair of shoes every now and then. She also really likes flowers. Like seriously you have no idea how much this girl swoons over ugly floral designs.

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Gertrude

Oh, Gertrude. Gertrude, Gertrude, Gertrude. Where do we even begin? The woman's in her forties, recently widowed, and experiencing a level 10 midlife crisis. Suddenly, Hamlet's relatively normal mother has metamorphosed into a party-hopping "cool mom" who has a little bit too much wine every night. There's no way of telling if this is the real Gertrude or if she's just sorting out some issues of her own, but it's seriously scarring her already unstable kid. Of course, he might just be pissed off because now even his mom is cooler than him.

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Claudius

He's Hamlet's uncle and new stepdad, but he's also runs a chain of sports bars and has enough money and influence to essentially run the whole town. Claudius drinks and parties, but he's a ruthless businessman to boot. There's nothing he wouldn't do to earn an extra buck, including say, kill his own brother. Hamlet Sr. was the real money behind Claudius' business, and the brothers worked together for years. Now with the uncertain circumstances of the elder Hamlet's death, and Claudius marrying into the inheritance, he's completely taken over management of the company.

So what's this guy's one redeeming quality? You guessed it, he has a sort of creepy love for his sister in law. Of course, that love isn't strong enough for him to completely mask his dislike of her brooding son, but at least he's trying.

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Yes, this is Laertes' eye-blood-inducing ensemble. Why does he wear so much black and white? Because he's literally too thick to come up with anything else. His dad picked out all his clothes up until he was in middle school, dressing him in uniform. After that, Laertes didn't end up straying too far from the template his father laid out for him. The only major change from the way he dressed when he was five to the way he dresses now is that now he looks like more of a douche. 

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Laertes

Laertes is a douche. In fact, he's as much of a douche as Hamlet, but in a much different way. He's popular the popular, sociable captain of the football team, but behind closed doors he's a controlling older brother with a nasty temper. He doesn't allow Ophelia into his social circles, mostly for the fear that the more popular she becomes the more men she'll attract, and he's too much of a blockhead to consider that maybe his bumbling father doesn't always know what's best.

Also did I mention he's totally going to be studying in France? Yeah, well he is. He is just so cool because screw Denmark, he's going to France.

Oh yeah and also he's got wicked facial hair. The only student with more scruff to boast is Horatio, but who the eff even knows who that is anyway?

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Seriously though the fact that when you put their names together you get "Hamphelia" should tell you they aren't couple material.