I. honestly. did. not. see. that. coming.
Writing, again, despite the loads to do with acads and thesis. I can’t focus, anyway, without letting my thoughts and emotions out.
I am hella confused right now of everything :’ ( Leadership training, thesis, family, graduation, emotions, relationships, my life. Ugh
We talked yesterday. And I finally told her everything.
Yeap. My weaknesses being revealed and it’s the first time that I just admit them to people. I just gotta do. I felt raw and bare and naked.
She finally told me, too. Her secret. Her crush whom she did not tell before no matter how I forced her. See, we even had a spat twice. I am so sensitive with my feelings and insensitive with other people’s feelings. I’m so rude.
I remember my past *cringe* relationship. I recalled how much I became rude to her (yes, her) in the sense that I always wanted to have what I want, to know what she isn’t telling me. And if she doesn’t do what I want or if something happened, that I did not want, I become upset. And silent. And ruin our occasional time together. I felt so sorry for her.
AND IT WAS THE PLOT TWIST. AAAAGGGHHH.
Never have I felt that feeling before. You know the cliche plots of best friend stories where they like the same guy?! I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING, PEOPLE! I was guessing that time. And then I mentioned his name. And she said yes, I guess. But I did not mind it. I asked her again because I was hoping that she was mistaken-- that it was not him. But yeah, it was him. I stopped walking for a moment. I felt butterflies in a different way. My sweat, somehow, became cold. I looked for someone to hug because I knew I needed one. And I immediately hugged a friend when I saw her. Because, again, I really needed that hug.
But, somehow, I knew that that time was the right time to know it. Because I was over him already. That was it. She did not tell me because I started becoming curious with him. That arrangement, that plot, that situation was just weirder than I ever thought. I just understood it better now that I experienced it first hand.
So I tried not to think about it. I had my quiet time and I was convincing myself that I am okay. But clearly, I was not. And I cannot pin point which part makes me not okay-- about my friend, or about him? Or both? I was not okay because I wanted to get a firm hold of what was going on but I cannot. I don’t understand. I don’t know. I am drowning in my situation. I wanted to be a bubble that can be popped anytime. I wanted escape. Even today. I want to get out of this place to breathe. I am hardly yearning to have a break.
I woke up not okay. Sad. And today, I am still not. I badly need a talk with my mentor. And until now, we have not talked yet.
I cannot submit my full thesis on Wednesday, which is the deadline we all dread of. On the other hand, I can make an appeal to my adviser and he decides whether I must graduate or not. I hardly make progress with my thesis. Nowhere to go but admit to him that I am doing my part but I really have a hard time writing.
Today, my family messaged me if I’m free after graduation. I have not answered them yet because of the training. I already told my mom and dad, but I guess they are hoping that I wouldn’t go this year just so to take a break after college and spend time with them. Their consultation with me was the last thing they did. And I know they’re hoping that I would agree.
Here am I, confused again with this thing-- thinking if I am really ready for the training as if the ability to do so lies with what I can do. The long dilemma of wisdom or lack of faith? I don’t know. I just need to talk with my mentor.
I honestly feel so lost right now.
Why are people so good at leaving?
The irony of this generation: promoting mental health and self love through deliberately hurting other people.
