that hopeful expectation in felix’s face just CRUSHES him — cuts through the bullshit, the denial, straight to the bone of harsh introspection: how could jax do this to him? he closes his eyes to felix’s words and angles their foreheads together in a fleeting gesture of intimacy. it comes as no surprise that this thing between them has a shelf life: they’ve been playing chicken since day one, bidding time to see who brakes first.
❛ it’s not your fault. I know I’ve been stringing you along — that’s on me. ❜
he knows where this is going — even for a guy with a GED, he’s read enough books to know what an ending looks like. he strokes his thumb beneath felix’s bottom lip and lets him pull away, doesn’t fight it — not because he doesn’t care but because he does. he’s not going to spin felix a dream world of false promises — bait him with the things he knows he’ll never actually give. YES, jax wants him to stay, doesn’t want to let go of what’s there ( and there is something here — it’s just something that doesn’t slot into this life, an irregular piece that fits into a world neither of them belong to ) — but the way he’s lived with himself is with the stipulation that he’d never get in the way of felix wanting out ( look at what happened when he got in the way of tara — he won’t make the same mistake twice ).
jax moves to sit with his back to the headboard, lights a cigarette and watches felix freely: the lines of his spine and shoulder blades, how they move beneath fair skin — how jax will never see him this way again. his mouth turns around the filter at the realization, at felix’s accusations — lips quivering the way they do when something hurts; he takes a heavy drag, breathes through it, swaps hurt for carcinogens. he never meant to pull felix into anything, but the truth glares now, like reflective highway signs in the dark — sharp and hazardous: he’s bent felix into compromises he was never willing to make, used whatever felix felt for him to his advantage. yes, felix should have walked away sooner — but jax should’ve done it for him, shouldn’t have accepted felix’s compliance as healthy compromise.
❛ hey, I get it. ❜ the words come out slow and earnest — he does, he understands. he needs felix to know he’s not going to hold this against him, that he’s not going to punish him for finally putting words to unsaid things. ❛ you’ve never been a convenient fuck, felix. but I know where you’re coming from — why you’ve got to walk away. ❜ jax wants to reach for him, say his goodbyes into felix’s collarbone, his throat, his mouth — instead he extends his arm to the table, taps ashes into the ashtray. ❛ I’m sorry — for being selfish, for letting my own shit bleed all over you. I never wanted that for us. I know I’ve been asking too much from you, way more than I’ve been willing to give back — but I’m gonna MISS you. ❜
the admission he gets from jax / the one he hasn’t allowed himself to think about / is enough to stop any more words from falling at first. it chokes him up, throat constricting around his own admissions; that he doesn't want this to end. that he needs jax. that he’ll beg, if that’s what it takes. he knows it wouldn’t do any good, that any semblance of a relationship between them was doomed to end from the begin. he’s not destined for love.
his vision suddenly becomes blurry, jax’s voice continuing to ring out and it takes everything in him for him to focus enough on the words to understand. IT HURTS TO LISTEN, feels like it’s killing him, but he forces himself to listen anyway because maybe he deserves this. this is what he gets for wanting this again, or maybe its what he gets for betraying leia. ( no, she’d want you to be happy, don’t do that ) why had he been so stupid? jax had never shown signs of them going further before, and out of nowhere / WHILE GRIEVING / he does. he should’ve seen the signs, should’ve put together that their arrangement would only end in them both hurting once more.
he can’t even count all the times he’s considered leaving the state, just packing up everything and finally moving on. he knows there are more job opportunities in other places, but maybe finding a whole new career is what's best. the job has brought him nothing but pain and... he misses ebba. maybe that's what he needs, what they need. he can put jax behind him. felix would miss everyone, though, so much it’d feel like a knife was in his chest.
he shelves the idea for now, deciding its best to think about when he’s not with jax.
I’M GONNA MISS YOU. the words make him pause, body slowly going numb. he stares at the floor below, their clothes were strewn all over the place and the condom wrapper just beside the trash can. it’s just more evidence of what he’s going to miss. it’s not just the sex, it never was. the intimacy was enough to make him happy, the touches and smiles and closeness of it all was enough to soothe the ache he had, even enough to help him sleep. of course, anyone would be tired after getting fucked by jax, but it helped days after he left. and now he was going to be alone again, trembling in his chilly home, all night long.
he didn’t want to go back to his old, TOXIC habits but being with someone that didn’t love you hurt worse.
a balled up fist comes up to press against shaky lips, emotions seemingly starting to bubble over and he couldn’t cry in front of jax, would honestly rather die, but it was becoming more and more difficult to control anything he did.
❛ don’t— don’t SAY that. how am I supposed to leave when you say shit that makes me think you care ? why did you do this, wh— why’d you have to make me love you ? ❜ it’s never the time for love confessions, he learned that long ago, but the words simply spill out on a choked sob and then he’s angrily pushing himself up from the bed to yank his underwear up wobbly legs and then reaching out for discarded pants to do the same.
when deft fingers start to do the same to his shirt, he gets the head hole just on top of his head before things start to take a turn. limbs suddenly get tangled in the fabric and as he struggles, he simply chokes out another / more FRUSTRATED this time / sob. he turns to where he thinks jax is, though how can he be sure with no vision?
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