‘ *reading obituaries* suddenly i wish i was reading my own name. ’
‘ you don’t even have oven mitts on! ’
‘ wow. i could so easily freak out right now. ’
‘ do you think it’s easy for me to see you with somebody else? ’
‘ hey, you remembered to put clothes on this morning. ’
‘ no more falafel for you! ’
‘ we were on a break!! ’
‘ you’re such a tattletale. ’
‘ i love you goddesses! ’
‘ everyone i know is either getting married or getting pregnant or getting promoted and I’m getting coffee. And it’s not even for me! ’
‘ it’s ’
‘ this is all a moo point. yeah, it’s like a cow’s opinion, it doesn’t matter. it’s moo. ’
‘ so, the ebola virus. that’s gotta suck, huh? ’
‘ my gynecologist tried to kill me. ’
‘ you can’t tell, but i’m trying to break the tension by mooning you guys. ’
‘ boy, you are not a morning person. ’
‘ yeah, well, i’m a slut. ’
‘ how you doin’? ’
‘ i am warm… for your form. ’
‘ i’m really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse. ’
‘ are you saying that you don’t wanna get with this? ’
‘ hey, you’re a pathetic loser, right? ’
‘ sometimes i wish i was a lesbian… did i say that out loud? ’
‘ if i were a guy and… did i just say, ‘if i were a guy’? ’
‘ i guess things were just going to well for me! ’
‘ i don’t have a plan. i don’t even have a ‘pla.’ ’
‘ he’s so pretty i want to cry! ’
‘ prepare to feel very bad about yourself. ’
‘ i’m sorry that’s who i am. i’m a positive person. ’
‘ no, i’m a positive person. you are like santa clause on prozac at disneyland, getting laid. ’
‘ i’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love! ’
‘ she was nice. i mean, she’s a little slutty, but who isn’t? ’
‘ honey, this is not your fault. just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify them sleeping with someone else. ’
‘ from now on, i am not getting out of this chair, ever. okay? from now on, this chair is the one. ’
‘ i wish i could, but i don’t want to. ’
‘ alright, i took the quiz and, it turns out, i do put career before men. ’
‘ look at him, he’s so cute. i just wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! ’
‘ i think, if it was a little colder in there, i could see your nipples through that sweater. ’
‘ what’s wrong with me… oh, don’t open that door. ’
‘ let me think, let me think… oh, i don’t care! ’
‘ i have no idea what’s going on, but i’m excited! ’
‘ i tend to keep talking until somebody stops me. ’
‘ when i first meet somebody, it’s usually panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating. ’
‘ are we greeting each other this way now? because i like it. ’
‘ it looks like you fell asleep with a hanger in your mouth. ’
‘ you wanna play twister? ’
‘ once, i got dumped during sex. ’
‘ here we are, with our future before us, and i only want to spend it with you. ’
‘ welcome to the real world. it sucks. you’re gonna love it! ’
‘ hey, you cry every time somebody talks about the titanic. ’
‘ if worst comes to worst, i’ll be your boyfriend. ’
‘ who loses 57 coin tosses in a row? you know? heads, she wins. tails, i lose. ’
‘ shut up! shut up! SHUT UP! ’
‘ i’m so glad we’re having this rehearsal dinner, you know? it’s so rare that i get to practice my meals before eating them. ’
‘ you always believed in me, even when i didn’t believe in myself. ’
‘ you’re fake laughing too, right? ’
‘ it’s sunday morning, i am not running on a sunday. ’
‘ ugh, dammit. why did i open my mouth? ’
‘ wow, we really are bitches. ’
‘ so why don’t you be a grown up and come and watch some tv in the fort! ’
‘ i don’t know what i’m gonna do with my life. ’
‘ i’m full, and yet i know if i stop eating this, i’ll regret it. ’
‘ kill me. kill me now. ’
‘ i want to sit in a comfortable chair, watch television, and go to sleep at a reasonable hour! ’
‘ what must it be like to not be crippled by fear and self-loathing? ’
‘ a stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliché. why don’t you guys get a magician?! ’
‘ i’m curvy and i like it! ’
‘ i don’t share food! ’
‘ if i have to, i’d pee on any one of you. ’
‘ the fridge broke so i had to eat everything. ’
‘ you can’t have s-e-x when you’re taking care of the b-a-b-i-e! ’
‘ you’re over me? when were you… under me? ’
‘ these are just feelings. they’ll go away. ’
‘ i used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me. ’
‘ i mean, sure, i have my bad days, but then i remember what a cute smile i have. ’
‘ offering people gum is not cooking. ’
‘ i bought him a $500 watch and he wrote me a rap song. ’
‘ you know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people. ’
‘ no, inside good. outside baaaaad. ’
‘ they’re always saying ‘let’s go here, let’s go there.’ like we can afford to go here and there. ’
‘ i hate my job. i hate it. oh, i want to quit, but then i think i should stick it out. ’
‘ you think i have $1200? i’m home in the middle of the day and i got patio furniture in my living room. ’
‘ neat! i’m gonna die alone! ’
‘ okay, could you just stop talking for a second? ’
‘ i’ve sort of had feelings for you. ’
‘ today, it’s like there’s rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, then me. ’
‘ why am i friends with these people? ’
‘ i eat by myself in the alley because everyone hates me. ’
‘ i’m a lone wolf. a loner. alone. all alone. forever. ’
‘ my life is an embarrassment! i should just go live under somebody’s stairs. ’
‘ if i died, the only way people would know that i was here would be the ass print on this chair! ’
‘ i always thought if you and i got married, that would be the one that stuck. ’
‘ hi, i make jokes when i’m uncomfortable. ’
‘ i am not ‘blah’, i am a hoot! ’
‘ i just realized i can sleep with my eyes open. ’
‘ up until i was 25, i thought that the only response to ‘i love you’ was ‘oh, crap!’ ’
‘ if the homo sapiens, were in fact ‘homo’ sapiens, is that why they’re extinct? ’
‘ do you think i need a new walk? ’
‘ you don’t own a tv? what’s all your furniture pointed at? ’
‘ just think of it like this: the third day. monday, one day. tuesday, two day. wednesday… when? huh? what day? thursday! the third day! ’
‘ eye-contact? i hope you were using protection! ’
‘ you were right, and from now on, yo make all my decisions for me. ’
‘ you said your boss wants to buy your baby? ’
‘ why god, why?!! we had a deal!! let the others grow old! not me!! ’
‘ last night i was finishing off a pizza and she said, ‘a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!’ i don’t need that kind of talk in my house! ’
‘ you’re druuuuunk. mom and dad are gonna be maaaad! …maybe i’m a little drunk. ’
‘ let her know i like her? are you insane? ’
‘ what’s it gonna take for you to forgive me? ’
‘ isn’t that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? ’
‘ you’re crying over a doritos commercial. ’
‘ that fake british woman is a real bitch, but she sure can dance. ’
‘ i think it’d be better for my ego if we didn’t stand right next to each other. ’
‘ seriously… good luck on marrying me. ’
‘ there is no ‘us’, okay? ’
‘ i fell for you and i get clobbered. you then fall for me and i again, somehow, get clobbered. ’
‘ it’s just not worth it. ’
‘ we are never gonna happen, okay? accept that. ’
‘ you know what? you’re the one who ended it. ’
‘ i ended it because i was mad at you. not because i stopped loving you. ’
‘ imagine the worst things you think about yourself. now, how would you feel if the one person you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you. ’
‘ you were worth the wait. ’
‘ that’s our baby. ’
‘ you deserve to be with someone who appreciates and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing and adorable and sexy you are. ’
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