Dear Future Husband...

An open series of letters to my future beloved. Please bear with me. I'm trying. 80s baby, 90s child, 00s mess

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Schrodinger's LivelyHeart

Dear Future Husband,

I saw a thing a few months ago where this guy was talking about what makes some of our favorite epic stories so epic and compelling that people want to read/watch over and over again.

He was talking about stories like Hercules and Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, stories with a hero who is essentially pulled out of their life by external forces and circumstances, and set on a journey so far outside of their comfort zone, that builds them up to the resulting hero who can slay a dragon, the epic person we think of them as.

And this guy mentioned that a lot of people read/watch these over and over to live vicariously through these folks, because we often wish that we could make huge sweeping life changes and become a person who can slay a dragon, but the story is less compelling if we choose to go on that journey and more inspiring when someone/something else is the force behind that abrupt shift, and we only grow as a result of the circumstances we're placed into beyond our control.

Since I heard that, the thought has kind of lived rent-free in my brain. Like, is that something I'd want for myself? For someone/something to force my life to change dramatically and push me out of my comfort zone, setting me on some epic journey?

And the truth is, I'm not sure. I'm so freakin' tired most of the time that I don't think I have the energy for that.

Though there are the days that I wonder if my life would be simpler if a meteor struck everything I own and I'd have to start fresh and build from the ground up.

The problem is that I'm a sentimental fool, so despite holding that secret desire, it would also kind of kill me if that happened.

Which is one of the reasons that right now, I am Schrodinger's LivelyHeart. I am living in the weird limbo of despair and "everything is fine" until after Shabbos.

Also, I may have to move soon.

Yeah, there's a lot to talk about.... Guess I gotta' get to writing.

But first, Shabbos.

Shabbat Shalom!

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Requiem For My Stupid A** Motherf***ing Life (Aka: Because F*** ME)

Dear Future Husband,

I started writing this while sitting in the car about an hour ago, but got interrupted and need to start over.

Today is Sunday, February 8th, 2026.

The temperature outside is in the low 20s (F). With the wind chill, it's 0°F.

And I was freezing in the car because something was malfunctioning.

Honestly? Relatable.

Also, are we surprised?

At this point, is anyone surprised?

But there I was, sitting with MotherLivelyHeart as she perused listings for cars we can't afford, looking for something to replace ours, because until we got word otherwise, she decided this was finally the end of our 2014 vehicle and time for something newer. Like, maybe a 2017 model.

How did we get here? To quote Elyse Meyers: Great question, I'm glad you asked.

Let's start with a non-sequitor:

When I said in my last post that I'd been depressed for the last couple of weeks, what I didn't mention is that I also hadn't showered for those two+ weeks.

Some of you may know that this is a symptom of depression.

But it's also a symptom of being broke AF, having to keep your heat off because gas alone is 2/3 of the electric bill, and even when you keep the heat set to 62℉ and it only cycles on like once or twice a day to keep the pipes from freezing, you still end up spending over $100 a month on heat alone. Because FML.

And it's been like zero degrees for the last month and also, who wants to step out of a shower dripping wet onto freezing cold tile with an ambient temperature barely above freezing?

Not a depressed person, I can tell you that.

So, why does not showering matter? We'll get there in a second.

For now, let me tell you the quick (or not...) saga of what it's like communicating with my mother.

I mentioned previously that I've had to move out temporarily (I'd like to make it longer, but that would require a roommate and for the place I'm staying to actually have things like a workable kitchen, but that's a story for another day).

So I'm currently in the same building, but not the same apartment as my mother.

Anyways, MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis are only aware I've been "tired" this week, nothing about the depression thing, cuz I'm a good faker. yayme.

I was over there for the Shabbos meals (see the whole no kitchen thing) and havdallah, and a little while after I left last night, MLH messaged me asking about my plans for today. Though, it's not specifically about my plans as much as it is about my use of the car:

She gave it a thumbs up and I thought that was the end of it.

She knew that if she needed the car it was available to her until I'd need it later in the day, but that was only a possibly on my end because I hadn't firmed up plans, though I'd told someone on Thursday I wouldn't mind helping them with something if they needed.

Almost two hours later when I was barely awake, she followed up with this question:

I was not in the proper headspace to respond. And also, why didn't she just ask that like two hours before?

I thought about taking a shower last night, but I was too out of it, so I just put my phone down and went to bed, deciding I'd respond in the morning and then maybe take a shower.

When I got up today, I didn't want to do anything. I rolled back over and went back to sleep a little longer. It's my "day off" and I should be able to spend it how I want, even if that means curled up in bed not talking to anyone.

But alas, I had my mother to respond to.

So I did.

Reluctantly.

There's ice everywhere, even right up close to places. So her response, while understandable in an ideal sense, isn't the most practical.

Ice keeps melting in the sun and then refreezing - this is happening everywhere.

I told her that my "possibly" plans were to help someone specific, in the complete opposite direction of where she gets her hair cut (at least 20 minutes each way), and that wouldn't really be one of those "sure I'll drop you off, do my thing and then pick you up" type of situations.

Also, with all the piles of snow and ice, while businesses are running, most parking lots are not fully cleared, so I can't just "find a parking space" to wait like I could in better weather.

And my loving, caring, understanding mother's response?

So I'm being guilted and manipulated into doing the thing that she wants me to do with a dismissive "whatever."

I ended up confirming with the other person that 3-4pm works and, swallowing the bad words I wanted to say to MotherLivelyHeart, I told her I could drive her.

Now, keep in mind that previously she had said she wanted to get her haircut "at like 2:00," right?

And it was now around 12:10pm and I told her I would be free around 1:30pm.

That should give me just under an hour and a half to pull myself together and get her.

I had time.

I could shower.

I could dress like a mensch.

I could grab a coffee.

I had time.

Except no, I didn't.

Because I had to fortify myself by turning on the heat and letting it run a little bit to take the chill off.

And because when I went to shower, the showerhead wasn't tightened properly and sprayed ice cold water all over me and the bathroom. Which meant spending another 10 minutes getting that thing to screw back on correctly.

But whatever, I was finally able to take a shower and feel like a bit of a human being for the first time in a few days.

I got out and the air wasn't actually deathly cold.

Since I have hardly any hair (because FML), it dries fairly quickly and I looked at the clock and saw I had 20 minutes to pull myself together before I had to go get the car and drive my mother to her appointment.

That's plenty of time to get dressed and make a quick coffee.

Except that my mother then messaged at 1:13pm:

I heard the notification but ignored it for a minute.

When I grabbed my phone that was followed up by:

I was like 'that's nice.' and reiterated that I'd be ready to go at 1:30 as I'd stated previously and I continued getting ready at my own pace.

But then she responded with:

And EXCUSE ME?????

AT WHAT POINT!?!?!?! did she EVER say 1:45!?!?!?!?

The place she gets her hair cut is about 15 minutes away. I told her I'd be free to go at 1:30. Going off the previous message of "like 2:00," I OBVIOUSLY assumed the appointment that she had now confirmed booking was at 2PM!!!!!

I thought she'd get there 15 minutes early (in good traffic) and now as I'm getting ready to head out the door she's telling me she's going to walk in late.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

I was so frickin' pissed I just responded at 1:30 with "getting the car."

She hobbled out, all chipper and cheery like "😊 ...and how's YOUR day going? 😊 whooo it's brisk out here! 😊 I should say shehechiyanu, this is the first time I've been out in weeks! 😊"

The words I swallowed....

She took her time buckling her seatbelt and wasn't as "anxious" as she usually is when she's late for something, but that didn't stop things from going awry anyway.

We were about a half a mile down the road, and as I slowed for a red light, the heat lowered itself and the whole car system kind of "stalled" without actually stalling.

MotherLivelyHeart was like "put it in neutral and give it a little gas, see if that fixes it."

So I did, but we were at a light that then turned green and she was like "go go go!" which meant I had to switch to drive, and the car was still being weird.

As we got moving again, she said, "if it does it again, just put it in neutral and give it a little more gas."

And, of course, at the very next light, it did the same thing as I was braking. So I kind of paused and was like "whoa" and she started yelling at me "DO AS I SAY!" and followed that immediately with "Why do you always fight me on these things!?"

Because, apparently, pausing to assess the situation is considered "fighting her" now.

I did the same thing and it didn't resolve anything fully, so as we started back up again, I told her we were going to have to pull over.

I made the first turn I could onto a random access road and turned around so we were facing the way we came.

She told me to check the oil, because that's one of the persistent issues we've had with the car for the last couple of years, but I just had the oil refilled about a month ago and we haven't done much driving because of all the snow and ice.

Well, we don't fight mother, now do we?

So I grabbed a paper towel and went and opened the hood. I pulled out the dipstick and... oil sprayed everywhere like a mini geyser.

And when I say everywhere, OF COURSE that means all over my face and my arms and my lovely scarf that I decided to wear instead of the "decrepit" one my mother hates.

Yes, me who is freshly showered for the first time in almost a month. Covered in motor oil.

Because F my MF dumba** life.

What the F am I supposed to be getting out of this?

What lessons am I supposed to be learning here?

I swallowed my own bad words and my own stupid pride to drive my mother to her goddamn appointment.

And my reward was to have my literally freshly cleaned self covered in disgusting oil.

To say I hate everything and everyone right now would be an understatement.

I'm so done with all this stupidity.

It's enough.

When do I get a break?

To make matters even better, we called a local mechanic to come take a look (which is why we were sitting there in the freezing cold). We told him that some quick googling pinpointed one possible problem and a guy drove by and said it might be another problem, but we obviously didn't know for sure what it was.

After assessing things, the mechanic drove the car around for a few minutes with MLH (while I got to stand by his truck with 0℉ winds whipping across me) and when he came back he said it was running fine and he didn't know what was wrong with it.

He told us to drive home, see our local mechanic tomorrow, and not "play mechanic" by googling things on our own.

So we came back. I made a coffee and came here to finish writing what I had started back in the car.

And about 10 minutes in, I glanced to the right and the paper coffee cup I had used must be defective (like everything else in my life) because coffee was dripping out of the bottom and pooling on my desk.

I'm done.

I'm just so done with everything all the time.

I'm done with the stress.

I'm done with the anxiety.

I'm done with the manipulation and guilt.

I'm done with being talked down to.

I'm done with being disrespected and dismissed.

I'm done with being broke and every stupid little thing always being a problem.

It's enough.

I give up.

What do I have to do for Hashem to actually care about me like a father is supposed to?

I have never in my life had a father that cared properly.

Not a biological one and not a spiritual one.

I don't know why I'm here.

I legit don't get it.

Am I just a doormat for everyone else to use and walk all over?

I know we're supposed to do what we can for others, but is that my whole existence? I don't get a say in any of it? I'm just here to help others without anyone ever helping me?

I want it to stop already.

How do I get it to stop?

At this rate I will never be worthy of any husband.

Sorry.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

God Is A Jerk

Dear Future Husband,

I'm so tired.

I know I've said that before, but it doesn't cease to be true.

I'm just so mentally taxed that I can't function optimally at all, but everyone somehow expects me to keep going.

When the secular year started, PTO at work reset and literally the first day back, everyone was already scheduling their vacations and putting in for their off time.

I had already calculated. My 80 hours of PTO were already going to be used up for chagim, plus the 8.5 hours I have unused from last year that rolled over.

Literally all of my "time off" is used for religious obligations.

I don't get an actual break.

I never get an actual break.

I don't get vacations from work or from life.

And I'm so damn tired.

There are so many things I have to update on, but I just don't have the energy to write most of it out right now because even thinking about it is overwhelming.

So instead, let's talk about yet more men who are not you, and why God is a jerk.

Have you ever had a day where you look in the mirror and feel like you're staring at an ogre?

Like, you see the person staring back at you, but you don't see it as you, you see it as all your worst imperfections just glaring at you. And you feel like an absolute gross blob of a human who should just crawl back into bed.

And then you run into someone who complements you on your appearance?

And all you can think is... what kind of cruel joke are you playing?

That seems to be my relationship with God.

For the last week (maybe week and a half, if I could remember that far back), I've been in a super crummy, sad, depressed state.

I hate everything.

And for some reason, NOW is the time that people are reaching out with shidduch suggestions.

Like, this can't happen when I actually feel good about myself and positive about my life and the future?

Because there are days like that. Sure, they're rare, but they do happen.

But now is literally the opposite of that. And NOW is when Hashem sends these names my way.

And you'd think "oh, maybe it's to cheer you up" except no.

No, because like I've said previously, I'm a superficial b**** and these guys are maybe a 4 (being generous) on the looks scale.

"He's the nicest guy"

"He's such a mensch"

That's lovely, and I super appreciate that, but unfortunately, my brain isn't attracted just to good middos.

Unfortunately, God made me an artist who lives in an entirely physical, visual world.

And unfortunately, aesthetics mean more to me than I want them to.

I WISH I was the type of girl who could see past that.

I WISH I was the type of girl who was attracted more to personality than looks.

I wish so many things for myself, but it's not who I am.

I've tried to make myself like peoples' looks when I like their personalities, but it hasn't happened for me yet.

I'm attracted to what I'm attracted to, and these guys are absolutely not it.

Because FML.

Yes, I know looks fade.

And I know that without makeup I'm not much of a looker either.

Because again, FML.

And again, it's so nice that they think of the nicest guys for me, but they're always the nicest guys who I could never be intimate with because I'm just not attracted to them even one iota.

And it just feels like another "kick her while she's down" thing. Like, "oh, you feel like crap right now and don't see a future for yourself? sure, here's another reminder that you will never have a future because you wouldn't even go out with these guys who are available and super nice because they're 'not your esthetic'"

Have I mentioned recently how much I hate myself?

To make matters even worse, my brain can't help with the whole "omigosh! what are the odddddsssss!?!?!!?" thing because the second guy who was recommended to me this week is totally one of those situations -

Someone in my community just got engaged and it was a whole big deal because it's a second marriage and she's basically a public figure. She's always used her married name, even though she's divorced and her ex lives in town, because it's her kids' last name too and she didn't want any legal issues. Totally understandable.

The thing is, it was kind of weird to see the engagement notice with that last name, if that makes sense.

And I kept thinking about her married name because it's been ages since I'd seen her husband and I couldn't remember much about him, but the last name felt super familiar.

I asked my sister if she knew someone with that name and she said yeah, that she was in high school with a girl (let's call her Jennifer) who shared that last name, but they're not related.

And then she said "oh, and you know Sarah Cooper*? she's married to Jennifer's brother."

I was like "oh wow! so cute!" because I was in school with Sarah Cooper* back in the day and bump into her randomly but know nothing about her husband.

Well, anyways, it turns out GuyNumber2 is Jennifer's brother too. And I was sent his resume, which lists out Sarah Cooper* as a family member.

Also, GuyNumber2 is a doctor who specializes in something that's actually been bothering me out of the blue for the last week.

So my brain is doing "omigosh!hashgachapratis!whataretheodds!" cartwheels in my head while I'm here like "yeah, but I don't find him attractive at all."

Because, again, FMFL.

And that's why God is a jerk.

Because He orchestrates all of this all the time. And it's like He just wants to remind me of my sad patheticness all the damn time.

I'm literally so tired.

Work is supposed to be something I can leave at the door and forget about, but lately it's been so overwhelming that even if I leave the work at work, the effects of the stress from work are coming home with me and I'm just depleted.

I literally can't even go into it right now because I'm so tired.

It's not even midnight and I, the lifelong night owl, am crashing after doing almost nothing today.

I got up at 8, went to work where I sit at a desk for 8 hours, took BigSis shopping for Shabbos where I wanted to murder everyone in the parking lot for driving like a**holes, came home, ate dinner, and was supposed to start organizing some crap but after taking care of a few things online, I haven't even gotten that far with the cleaning/organizing and I'm just done.

So.

Yeah, I guess that's my life now.

Corporate drone with no life, no break, no energy, rinse and repeat.

The backdrop may change, but the props are the same.

-LivelyHeart

*not her real name

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Everything Is Stupid

Dear Future Husband,

It’s 4:45 in the morning and I need to go to the bathroom.

But I can’t go to the bathroom right now.

Because I don’t have a bathroom right now.

Now, that doesn’t seem possible. I must have access to a bathroom somewhere, right?

Well, sure, you know, just the one I have to walk through my mother's room to access.

Which I obviously can’t do right now because she hasn’t fallen asleep yet tonight and has the world’s worst startle response to even something as simple as trying to ask her a question when she has headphones in (which is like 92% of the time), let alone opening her door in the dark middle of the night when she’s wide awake, because FML.

Oh, and how do I know that she hasn’t gone to sleep yet tonight?

Because I too have not gone to sleep yet tonight.

Because I had a couple of things that I wanted to take care of when I knew that she wouldn’t be awake to make a comment about me doing said things. And that still has not happened.

Because just sitting on the couch in the living room, I can hear her. Awake.

And yes, I do have to be up for work in about two hours. Because FML.

But don’t you worry your pretty little head, the why I don’t have a bathroom story is coming. I just need the energy to write it, which is not right now, at almost 5am, when I just have to go to the bathroom.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

"How Many Times Do I Have To Apologize???"

Dear Future Husband,

That question was asked by my mother on Friday night after a discussion that started innocent enough and evolved into what she took as an indictment of her parenting.

Because WTF is my life.

It all started with me asking if she had her wisdom teeth.

Literally that. Just that.

She said she had them removed as a teenager and that she was pretty sure all of her siblings had theirs removed too.

I asked what about my father's side of the family and she said she didn't know, but then went on a mini rant about how he needed his tonsils removed before adding "but that's not my problem anymore."

THEN WHY DID YOU EVEN GO THERE!? THAT WAS NEVER THE QUESTION.

She asked why I wanted to know and I told her that at my recent dentist appointment the hygienist asked me if it was genetic to have such easy to access and clean wisdom teeth. I laughed and said I was pretty sure I was the only one who still had them, before realizing I didn't know if that was true. At the time I wondered if MyBro still has his, and it turns out he does, but other than that, it seems everyone had them removed (except possibly our father, but I don't speak to him, so I can't ask).

I made some comment about how it's funny that the two middle children still have their wisdom teeth, while the "bookends" don't. And she followed that up with some comment about how we used to fight about who was the middle child when we were kids. And I was like "I don't recall that, but either way, I'm the true middle child." And she was obviously like, "that doesn't even make sense, but why do you think that?"

And this, my friend, is the story of the end.

Because when I say something like "well, obviously because he's the only boy and I'm the middle of the girls" she doesn't understand what that means.

So she follows up with something like "what does gender have to do with anything?" and I'm here like what part of this do you not understand?? because obviously as her "ben yachid" he always had certain privileges.

But she couldn't seem to wrap her head around that. So she asked me which of her brothers would be the middle child, since she and her sister are the oldest and youngest with the boys in between. And I was like "neither - they're either both the middle children or the gay one is the "special" one so it would be the other brother that's the true middle. And she was like "I don't understand what gender has to do with that" and I was like "IT DOESN'T! It's the position in the family that matters" and she was like "so then why are you the true middle child??"

And I felt like I was talking to a brick wall.

I tried to explain that all three of my siblings, as the oldest, youngest, and only boy, were all able to "get away with things" that I was never able to, never would have been able to.

And her response to that was "you were always a very angry child."

Which, MYGOD. IWONDERF***INGWHY.

So I said something along the lines of "yeah, well, it's hard not to be when you have a parent constantly coming at you."

And she said, sadly, "I wish I'd known."

And, mygod, if I don't get all the olam haba in the world for holding back in that moment and not letting out the shriek of a banshee.....

I said, "you did... you were there...."

And she responded with something about how we all know her parenting skills were lacking when I was younger and then she said the question that I haven't been able to get out of my mind since:

"How Many Times Do I Have To Apologize???"

Because.... well, because she never actually has.

Saying an exasperated "OMIGOD, I'M SOOORRRRY" is not the same as an apology.

Saying "I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER" is not the same as an apology.

Recognizing she did wrong in the past and not fixing those behaviors is not an apology.

At what point in time does she think she's ever apologized for any of the crap she's turned a blind eye to in the past?

And this stuff still goes on today.

Earlier tonight we ended up in a circular conversation where I was asking her for something specific and she wasn't answering that question. And when I demanded an actual answer, she was upset that I was upset and asked me why I was mad. I told her exactly why, that I was asking for a very specific answer and she was evading that with nonsense and, yeah, I'm getting upset that she's getting upset that I'm upset because she's not answering the question and now she's making it out like I'm the problem here.

And she kind of smirked and went, "well, you kind of are."

I wanted to punch a wall.

How do people do this?

How do people survive without their cortisol sky high on a daily basis?

I don't get it.

I'm trying to get my weight down, I'm in constant caloric deficit, and the numbers on the scale keep going up. Probably because of this stupidity.

My body hates me.

My brain hates me.

I hate me.

Objectively, my life is legitimately not worth living. I don't know why God just won't put an end to my misery already.

I literally can't afford to move out without going into bankruptcy unless I move in with someone else, but everyone I know with roommates (especially in the world of frum single women), has issues with the revolving door of roommates. And how is that different than this crap?

A one-bedroom apartment anywhere in my vicinity is a minimum of $1500 a month, which is essentially half my monthly income.

Trying to pay off debt while also building an emergency fund, and put away general savings, and planning to make aliyah at some point in the future.... I barely have enough for food, gas, rent, and other necessities as it is.

I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything, and I'm still basically paycheck to paycheck.

And that doesn't even include that, if I move out, I'll have to pay movers to move all my stuff, buy furniture and appliances and kitchen tools, etc. AND I'd have to buy or lease a car.

I would literally go broke just trying to live by myself. My life is THAT pathetic.

Most girls my age are married at this point. They have spouses, a shared income, a "roommate" to split the bills with, someone who isn't their biological family who they can vent to when their family gets on their nerves....

I have no one.

Emotionally, physically, financially... I'm alone.

And nobody wants to marry the sad, fat girl, so until one of those two things changes, I'm still forever alone.

I legitimately see no hope for myself.

I'm a useless cog in a large, stupid machine.

I'll be forgotten to the annals of history and I'm 100% fine with that.

I just wish that would come sooner rather than later.

But I may as well not hold my breath on that one.

I mean, all these years, and I'm still holding my breath on an actual apology from my mother.

So..... yeah.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Always On Me

Dear Future Husband,

As I sit down to write this, it's 9:05pm on Tuesday, November 4th, 2025.

I don't think I really needed to note the day, but the time is important.

It's important because I've been home for an hour and since the moment I walked through the door, I haven't sat down (aside from a quick trip to the bathroom).

I haven't sat down because when I went to go heat up something for dinner, the whole stove and surrounding area was covered in pots and pans and bowls of meatballs.

Because today MotherLivelyHeart decided to cook.

According to BigSis, MLH started cooking around 4pm.

By the time I got home at 8pm, both of them had eaten dinner already.

Both of them were in pajamas.

Both of them were on their computers and phones and had headphones in.

And the food was still sitting out.

And because today MLH was off of work and babysat for a friend's kids, the living room was all shifted around, a ton of stuff was piled up where I always sit, and the path to my room was blocked.

Joy.

I worked a longer day today because I had to make up hours from yesterday.

And I had to make up hours from yesterday because I had to take time off of work yesterday to drive MotherLivelyHeart to a colonoscopy appointment and stay with her during the procedure.

B"H everything was fine and done way quicker than we were told or expected, but I had still missed 2.5 hours that had to be made up and also bank some extra time so I can get out of work early enough on Friday to make it home more than a half hour before Shabbos starts (which is what would happen if I worked the full work day).

And why did I have to drive MLH to this procedure?

Because there's nobody else.

Ever.

There's never ever anyone else who can help her with these things.

And because I was told it has to be a family member who goes with her.

(it doesn't)

And because I was told the person who goes with her has to drive her.

(they don't)

And because when I asked if maybe MLH's retired sister who fills her time with volunteer work could drive her, it turns out she was going to be out of town for someone's bat mitzvah or something.

(of course)

And because when I asked about my aunt driving her, she got annoyed and pissy and "if you don't want to do it, just say that," so I couldn't even bring up asking if maybe her retired brother who fills his time with volunteer work could drive her.

(yay)

And because BigSis is the only other family member around and she doesn't drive.

(fml)

But actually, the person who escorts the patient doesn't have to be a family member. And they don't have to be able to drive - they can uber or lyft or take a cab together. The patient just can't drive themselves because of the anesthesia.

And was I asked if I could do this mitzvah?

Of course not.

I was told I'd be doing this mitzvah.

I suppose it's to her credit that she told me in advance. And at the time I was like "sure, I have PTO", so that part is definitely on me, but it didn't occur to me just how little PTO I'd have by the time this appointment rolled around because of all the chagim. I won't get all in the weeds with the time specifics, but there's almost two months left of the year and I only have like 9hrs of PTO left, which I need to roll over to next year because of all the chagim, and I may have to take a day for something next month.

But whatever. That's a whole other topic.

Suffice it to say that after working extra hours today, I just wanted to come home, have something to eat, maybe write a little bit, and then go to bed.

Instead I spent an hour in the kitchen dealing with those damn meatballs because.... I don't even know why. Why was I the one? Why am I always the one? Why can't they ever just put the damn food away???

And yeah, I could have just left them for MotherLivelyHeart to deal with, except that this late in the day her mobility problems are exacerbated and tasks like that become extra difficult and she would probably end up asking me and/or BigSis to do it.

And BigSis will never just offer on her own or just take care of it on her own.

No. Like a child, she needs to be asked point-blank to take care of it, and then she'll get all annoyed that she has to do it.

So either she'll do it in a huff and a "why do I have to do this?? I didn't cook this!" (despite the fact that she benefitted from eating them) or she'll procrastinate it and they'll continue drying out farther than they already were when I got to them or MLH will direct it at me, which is the more likely scenario, and I'll end up having to do it anyway.

Because it's always me.

So now it's 10pm and I haven't formally eaten dinner.

And other than this, I haven't done any writing.

I wanted to do some creative writing. I have story ideas I need to get out of my brain, but no. Instead, I'm sitting here complaining about how f*ing frustrating my stupid ass family is.

Like always.

As an aside, in an interesting reversal of roles, after spending a good chunk of the last 6 months trying to uplift one of my young, seemingly depressed coworkers, they are now the one telling me that I'm too negative and I need to be more positive.

But how can I be when this is my stupid life?

I'm so damn tired. I should probably just go to bed.

But I need to clear my head, which this helps with a little bit.

And I'm waiting to see if my insides are actually about to revolt or if that's all in my head, because I ate some of said meatballs before realizing there's probably an ingredient in there I can't be eating, and then MLH confirmed this suspicion. Of course, after said meatballs had already been consumed, so.....

FMMFL.

I want to think it's just in my head, but I'm pretty sure it's not.

Hopefully things will settle and it won't be that big of an issue, but right now it feels like I could possibly throw up in like 30-60 minutes. I don't know if that makes any sense, but that's what it is.

I'm tired, I'm annoyed, and nobody seems to notice or care.

So... yeah.

That's how my day went.

How was yours?

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Rosh Hashana In A... Well, We Don't Eat Nuts, So Not A Nutshell....

Dear Future Husband,

I gave tzedaka to an adorable Israeli guy at the supermarket today and I want to spend every minute of every day with someone that sweet and joyous.

Instead, I just have my stupid life with stupid reflections on everything being stupid so much of the time.

So, how was Rosh Hashana? Honestly, it wasn't that bad overall. But saying that in its entirety it was great would be a lie.

Let's talk for a moment about how Rosh Hashana 5786 started.

I had to work a full day on erev yontif, because I didn't realize that I could (or even should) take PTO to leave work early.

And licht benchen where I live is now like 6:45pm.

My Friday schedule has me home by like 4pm, but the rest of the week my schedule was just recently changed to 9:30-5:30, which gets me home like 6pm, which I hadn't taken into consideration when I put in for PTO for yontif, so I'm scheduled for a full work day every erev yontif this month. Which included this past Monday.

And of course, on my way home, I had to run a pointless errand for MotherLivelyHeart, which ended up being at least a 30 minute out of my way waste of time.

I ended up asking my boss if I could postpone my lunch break and leave a half hour early so I was only there until 5pm and she told me that was fine, as long as I clocked out at my regular time. And because I had to run that errand, I completely forgot to clock out. So yay. (I made a note on my timesheet about that, so it should be corrected, but still a stupid error)

I also had to run a yom-tov related errand, so I didn't get home until close to 6, which meant that when I walked through the door I had less than an hour to get everything done that I needed to do. This included cutting the meat that had been cooking all day and putting it back in the oven for dinner, cooking fish, cooking zucchini ("gourd" for simanim), frying chicken, setting the oven to be on for yontif, setting a burner to be on for yontif, I also wanted to make a dessert, and I had to shower and cut my nails.

So, I started with the meat. The meat that I had put in the oven at 9am before I left for work. The meat that I had set at 275°F and set a 6 hour timer for. The meat that I informed BigSis (who was not working erev yontif) that she could "leave in there even after the timer goes off" (since she said that after 5 hours she still wasn't even smelling the meat), which she somehow took to mean turn off the oven and leave in there, assuming it was Time Bake, despite me never saying anything other than "I set a timer" and when I got home, the meat had been sitting in the oven for almost 9 hours, the last three of which the oven had been off.....

It retained most of the heat, so it wasn't the worst thing to happen, but I so love our great communication.

But whatever. The texture of the meat was decent and I was able to slice it up. It probably should have come out of the oven like 3-4 hours prior, but since she wasn't smelling it like it was cooking well, that obviously didn't happen.

Anyway, I tasted a piece and you couldn't even tell there had been anything sweet in the recipe, which it most certainly had. That annoyed me, so I grabbed another container of the sweet sauce I had made and stupidly frozen, which meant I had to defrost it and quickly. So I stuck it in the microwave.

While that was thawing, I got to work on the fish. I made a sweet duck-sauce-inspired fruit sauce and poured it all over the fish and set that aside while waiting for the oven to come to temp.

As I started working on the zucchini, the microwave beeped and I had to pull out the sauce for the meat and give it a mix. Since it was mid-thaw, it was still really cold and I decided to add some decor to the fish and drizzle some of that sauce over the duck sauce. I grabbed a spoon and swiped it across the two colored sauces, giving it somewhat of a marble effect.

The oven beeped and I set the spoon aside, put the sauce for the meat down and put the fish in the oven. I moved the zucchini aside, grabbed the sauce for the meat, picked up the spoon and mixed the sauce. I dumped all of that into the meat and was scraping the sides of the container when it occurred to me that I had used that spoon on raw fish. And I was now pouring it into cooked meat.

And I had a full on freak out.

It was less than 15 minutes to candle lighting.

And it was about $100 worth of meat.

I quickly googled looking for an answer and read that the reason we don't mix meat and fish isn't because of a treif issue like dairy and meat, but because of a health concern. And this made me freak out more because the fish had been raw and the meat was cooked but not really yad soledes bo anymore.

So I went to my mother and told her I needed to know if my screw up was as big as I thought it was and she said "text the rabbi". But I'd only ever emailed him, so I didn't have his number. She found it, I messaged, but it was so close to candle lighting that I didn't have much hope for how that would go.

I went back to the kitchen, covered up the meat and stuck it back in the oven in hopes that at some point I'd be told that if it just cooked off, whatever potential issue there had been was now resolved and the food would be fine.

I finished setting some lights for yontif, checked my phone, set the oven, checked my phone, pulled out the fish, checked my phone, put in the zucchini, checked my phone....

When it was like three minutes to candle lighting, I was convinced I wouldn't get an answer and I just put my phone away.

I hadn't made dessert, hadn't cut my nails, hadn't showered, and now didn't even know if the $100 worth of meat was edible.

I was in such a state of FML going into candle lighting. And as I sat there wondering what the hell is wrong with my life, BigSis goes "did you not turn on a burner for a reason?"

And that was that. I left the room to "change into yontif clothes" and just broke down.

Leaving a burner on isn't really the biggest deal, but if the meat ended up being inedible, I was left with the raw chicken that we had planned to fry. And yes, I could bake it, but I hadn't prepped it for baking, and white meat isn't generally the best when it's baked. (At least in my personal experience, it always ends up drying out, which is definitely not kavod yom tov)

I was so distraught over the whole situation.

MotherLivelyHeart went to a neighbor to see if he could "pasken" but he had already left for shul, so his wife said he'd come over when he got back and it was just a matter of waiting around until then, which gave me major anxiety.

When he finally came by after shul, he told me he had a similar shaila when he saw a non-Jewish worker at one of the local kosher delis handle fish and then handle meat without washing hands in between, and the eitza he received said that it was butil b'shishim and not an issue. I asked him, even in the case of sakana like raw fish and cooked meat? And he said if it's been in the oven since then, it should be fine, so the move on my part to stick it back in was in fact a good one.

While he was heading out the door, my mother mentioned maybe getting one of the non-Jewish employees in the building to turn on the burner for us before they leave for the night, and I was just putting on shoes when the neighbor came back and said "I couldn't help but hear you were going to look for [non-Jewish worker], but he's right here" and he was literally checking on something right outside our door.

So we did the whole "we can't ask you to turn on one of our burners...." thing and he did the shabbos goy thing and we had a burner for the rest of yontif.

All the while, MotherLivelyHeart saw how upset I was and she kept trying to make light of things with an overly bright smile and like "it's ok, everything is ok!" "it's all in Hashem's hands" and "it should be a kapara!"

And I was like, "honestly, if my life requires this many stupid kaparos to keep me around, it's not worth living."

And she was like, "stop that! you shouldn't say that!"

And then she went on to be like "if you'd had a choice between inedible $100 worth of meat or your arm being broken last year, you probably would have picked the $100 meat, right?"

But why is that the choice? Why are those the options? I'm so sick of all these stupid little things being fully representative of my life.

And also, if she was the one who screwed up the meat, she'd have been audible bawling in front of us about what a screw up of a human and mother she is.

And I wanted to go into this yontif with the same kind of positivity and connection I felt last year at R"H, but even after finding out the meat was fine, and even after the burner was turned on and everything was ok with the world, I was in such a negative state that I couldn't feel anything but frustration.

MLH wanted me to just snap out of it and be happy and excited and ok with the world, but the frustration and anxiety that filled my entire being for over an hour until all of that was resolved, doesn't just go away because the situation was fixed.

But whatever. We had our meal, and BigSis and MotherLivelyHeart went to bed.

I was going to head to bed too, but my body was still processing the cortisol from earlier. And I had purchased chocolate chips before yontif because since I'm off my weird diet for the next few weeks, and as a special treat for yontif, I just really wanted a good chocolate chip cookie.

It sounds stupid, but it's a simple pleasure and I was in the mood for that kind of sweet.

So I went to grab my binder of recipes we've collected from the internet over the years, which includes a printout of the Tollhouse cookie recipe, but the binder was gone. I figured I'd grab the other one I've had since middle school that probably had a comparable recipe, and that was missing too.**

I ended up pulling out 7 different cookbooks, only 2 of which had chocolate chip cookie recipes, both of which required browned butter. But since I was making them pareve and didn't want something that required a cooking step before mixing all the ingredients, I disregarded those and kept looking. At least two of the cookbooks are technique textbooks, neither of which had a chocolate chip cookie recipe. And the others were all classic kosher cookbooks that didn't have chocolate chip cookies either.

At this point it was almost 2am and I just wanted a stupid chocolate chip cookie recipe. Why was that so much to ask for? It's such a stupid little thing and that was eluding me.

I ended up finding a recipe in a magazine we had laying around that wasn't at all what I was looking for, but I figured I'd give it a whirl. While I was mixing it up, I knew the ingredients and proportions were off. Once it was all combined I smelled it and it wasn't the smell I was looking for. I ended up monkeying with it, going completely off of smell and texture, adding more flour, white sugar, another egg, another stick of margarine, and ended up with proportions that closely resembled the Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie recipe (as I found out later), although there were still wrong ingredients for it to be what I was looking for.

I left those in the fridge overnight and baked them fresh the next day so we had fresh cookies to gift the man who came to blow shofar for MotherLivelyHeart.

But right before ShofarGuy showed up, we were setting the table and MLH goes, apropos of nothing, "do you really not see the hashgacha pratis in everything that happened last night?! Hashem LOVES you!"

Which, thank you for reminding me of those horrendous events moments before I'm supposed to hear shofar and feel the kedusha of everything. Because I was so clearly feeling the love and not all the frustration and self-hatred and anxiety that had wracked my body the night before.

The rest of yontif kind of went fine. We had a guest for one meal and a neighbor came to play games after another. We had some neighbors come by to use our oven, which was a bracha to be able to do, and I'm glad I remembered to put that on because that's way worse than a burner to have to explain to a non-Jew while also "not" explaining to them.

And then it was motzei yontif.

BigSis was on the couch watching nonsense and I was reading or something and MotherLivelyHeart called me on the phone from her room. "I need you, this'll just take a second."

I went and helped her get the thing she needed and on her way out she asked me about driving BigSis to work the next day.

I reminded her that my schedule just changed and I don't go in until 9:30am, which means I don't need to leave for work until like 9:10am, which means I can wake up a bit later (which is ideal for me, the totally not a morning person), whereas BigSis wants to leave by 8:00am, and I'm barely up, let alone ready to walk out the door at that time.

And she got all upset at me about how now SHE'LL have to do it. And I'm like, "no, you don't. BigSis is a big girl. it's her decision not to drive. she can get herself to work." And MLH is like "no, I don't want her spending the money."

WHICH IS NOT A ME PROBLEM.

And she gave me some whole spiel about how it would be nice if I showed some compassion and we could actually care for one another. Except she used some other word I can't remember that was like so "aggressive" in her accusation of me being an uncaring person because I don't want to wake up early after two days of not napping (which both she and BigSis did) to drive BigSis to work 5 minutes away. She can take an uber or lyft. She can call a coworker. She has options. It's not like she's stranded and has to swim.

Also, just in general, having my schedule skew later means I'm working later and I run errands later and I get home later. I don't want to be awake extra early just to drive her 5 minutes away because you just can't do it anymore. Why is that my responsibility?

And then MLH gave a deep sigh and went on about how much pain she's in and how she can't walk and how she shouldn't even be driving and I was like "I thought you were going to stop driving months ago" and she was like, "AND I THOUGHT YOU WOULD DRIVE YOUR SISTER TO WORK IN THE MORNINGS!"

Which, OMIGOD, CHILL.

I also don't remember if this is in a draft I started ages ago or something I shared, but MLH started driving again a couple of weeks after telling me she's going to end up in a wheelchair from her mobility issues and she won't be driving anymore.

So, at this point, I have literally no clue about anything ever anymore.

Also, even on the days I was offering to drive BigSis to work before my schedule change, certain days of the week they would go out for breakfast anyway and I'd come out of my room and they'd already be gone because they needed to get coffees or whatever.

Like, PUH-LEEEEZ. This has nothing to do with me.

Also, right before R"H my license expired and I had to get a new one and, although my new photo is better than the previous one, it's still pretty bad and I hate it and want a new one, but it cost me $65, which WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL COSTS THAT MUCH FOR AN ID!?, and I'm absolutely not paying that again just for a new photo.

And on top of that one of my coworkers has decided that it's funny to randomly make sex noises, just to see if anyone is listening and it's both gross and annoying, but HR doesn't do anything about anything, so there's no one to really complain to.

So that's how the year started.

Literally nothing new.

More stress, more stupid drama.

Are any of us really that surprised?

Yeah, not me, either.

So, dear future husband, we're barely two days out of R"H and that's all the news that seems fit to print right now.

I wish you were the adorable Israeli I gave tzedakah to at the supermarket an hour ago, but I doubt you are.

Until we meet, I'm still trying to hold it all together. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying.

-LivelyHeart

----------

**I still can't find my recipe binders.

And it's not like we have a lot of places they could be. We literally have one shelf on our bookcase that's all cookbooks and where we keep these binders. They should just be right there. And if they're not there, maybe somewhere in the kitchen, but our kitchen isn't that big and at least one of the binders is a bright color we'd notice.

It's so weird and so stupid and now it's seriously bugging me. Also, what do we think of a different font for the "Dear..." and signature? I can't tell if I like it more or not.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

I Hate Adulting

Dear Future Husband,

Can we take a moment to discuss finances? Because financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce and at this rate I think it will prevent me from ever getting married at all. (Not that is my only barrier, but I digress...)

I'm making more money than I ever have before in my life and yet I still feel tired and broke.

Since I'm still working on this radical honesty thing, let's go where people don't usually venture, and let me tell you how much I make and where it all goes.

I was hired with a $56,000 salary, though since I started almost halfway through the year, my 2025 salary isn't the full $56,000.

And when I had my three month check in, just before my benefits kicked in, I was actually given a $2,000 raise, which brings me to $58,000 annual salary.

But that's not the take-home amount. After federal taxes, state taxes, local taxes, and FICA (aka mandatory social security and medicare contributions) my actual take-home on a $58,000 salary is $44,411. Though, again, that's not the amount I'm actually making for 2025 since I started the first few months at a $56k salary, and I started almost halfway through the year.

This also doesn't include bonuses and commissions, which I'll get to shortly, but yes, I'm paying close to $15,000 in taxes alone. Almost 25% of my income is going to taxes.

And what's incredibly sad is that the amount I'll be paying in taxes annually on this salary is more than I made annually for at least two out of the last five years.

Now, taxes are taken out automatically and because the commissions aren't taxed fully when we're "awarded" them, I requested that a little extra be taken out each pay period to cover some of those taxes so that when it comes time to file, I won't be stuck owing the IRS anything, and may even get a refund.

So, starting with the $56k annual base, after taxes were taken out and before I was getting benefits, my weekly take-home was $778.

Once benefits were put in place, I opted to get the $200 health care assist from my work, which meant paying for health insurance out of every paycheck along with the taxes, so my weekly take-home dropped to $698.

And then when the raise took effect, my take-home went up to $741.

In between there have also been a couple of quarterly bonuses that go out to everyone (and they only take out FICA on those, no federal and no state taxes), as well as a couple of commission checks, for which taxes are taken out but because it's supplementary income, they're taxed at a higher rate of like 31%. Yay. Gotta' love a "we appreciate the work you're doing so much, here's a pat on the back and owing the government extra money."

But whatever.

All this to say that right now, monthly I'm bringing in just under $3000.

So where does it all go and why do I feel broke? Let's break it down.

I currently have almost $14k in credit card debt, most of which was racked up over covid, because an average human being can't live off of $10-15k a year in America in the 2020s. My credit cards were practically at 0 when covid hit. $14,000 in 5 years is actually not that much when you consider that's less than $5,000 a year and with a normal salary would have been covered. All of that was for normal expenses like groceries, gas, the electric bill, etc.

But I still have to pay it off and it's accruing interest.

So. Here's my budget right now:

$768 for monthly rent (yes, I still live with my mother) $800 for various credit cards $15 for cell phone $1000 for savings $150 for food/groceries/necessities $120 for gas

This leaves $114.52 unbudgeted, which is $28.63 a week.

And let me be clear - $150 for food is not a lot. Especially when you keep kosher. And your diet consists of a lot of kosher animal protein. A whole salmon is approximately $90. If I get that and put it in the freezer, that's 2/3 of my budget for maybe 8 meals. A package of ground beef is approximately $30. That's 1/5 of my budget for maybe 4 meals. Getting both, I have 12 meals for the month and a month consists of at least 38 meals (if doing OMAD - one meal a day - which I don't do for Shabbos, since I also have to include shelosh seudos and melava malka). That's 11/15 of my budget for barely 1/3 of my meals. And that doesn't factor in things like other necessities such as shampoo and face wash, which are technically part of that same allotment.

And yes, $120 a month is crazy high for gas, but with gas generally over $3 where I live, and my job being 15-20min from my apartment, in heavy traffic that's almost an hour of driving each day just to get to and from work. In between my mother often drives my sister to work in the morning (which sometimes includes a 10 minutes out of the way breakfast run), I sometimes pick my sister up from work later, we do grocery shopping, my mom goes to therapy, the occasional costco run etc. And I'm also generally paying for all the gas, since I use an app and discount card to save money on gas and my mother refuses to get one because the whole system is "too complicated" for her.

And no, this does not include budgeting for things like a costco membership or car repairs (that our old car needs and has had to have over the last few months). New tires cost an insane amount, btw.

And you might say, hey, well, maybe don't put so much into your savings, except that I haven't had a savings. I've had to use it all on necessities. And they say you're supposed to have an emergency fund that can cover your basic expenses for 6 months. So having $6000 in my savings account after 5 months of work is a major win for me, but still not enough for an emergency fund, considering my general expenses are approximately 2/3 of my monthly income and I've only been saving 1/3.

Also, this doesn't include any budgeting to pay off my stupid student loans that have been deferred while I've been broke AF.

I'm hoping that once I hit $12k in my savings account (aka 6 months of expenses for an emergency fund), I can kind of press pause on saving and just put that extra $1000 towards paying off the credit cards so I can stop paying all that interest. But I'm still only halfway towards that goal, and putting $1800/mo towards a $15000 debt will still take over a 8mo to accomplish.

I've been considering doing a personal loan to just pay them all off at once and only have one monthly payment (hopefully at a lower rate than some, if not all of the cards), but I've heard from some people it's not a good decision. So I just don't know about that.

But how insane is this? As a kid, $50k seemed like a millionaire, especially compared to the broke house I grew up in. I could never dream of someone hiring me for that much. And now that I'm making it, I have less than $30 a week to put towards non-necessities. And considering how low I've budgeted myself for food/groceries, honestly that $27.38/wk should be going to necessities, leaving me with $0 for anything else. Nothing special for the yomim tovim, no gifts for people, not even maaser or other tzedakah, which you may have noticed is missing.

Yes, on an income of almost $60k a year, I'm left with $0.

And I'm just one person!!!!!

I literally have no idea how other people survive.

If I had kids in school that I had to pay tuition for, and buy food and clothes for, and drive to school and friends, etc... It would be literally impossible on this budget.

And that's with a low monthly rent! Most of the places around me are a minimum of $1500/mo for a 1-2 bedroom.

Literally the reason I can't move out of my mom's place. Rent is astronomical on my budget. If I had to pay double what my mom is charging, I'd either not be able to pay the monthlies on my credit cards, or I'd have nothing in savings.

Oh, and let's keep in mind, of course, that the interest that's earned in that savings account ALSO gets taxed as supplementary income, which means like 31% of that interest is going back to the government.

And did I mention I'd like to make aliyah by the time I'm 40?

I'm so f***ing lonely in this world. I feel nothing for America, and with the state of things deteriorating more and more each day, I don't want to be here.

At least in Israel I have my nieces. Helping take care of them last summer literally fueled my spirit. Being around them makes me feel like I'm worth anything.

So what would it take to get me there? Probably a billion dollars, tbh.

My savings account is at $6000 now. Between paychecks and small commissions/bonuses, I'd say I could be at $12k by like Feb, maybe.

If I start putting that $1000 budgeted for savings towards credit cards this coming Feb in addition to the $800 I already have, at that point the debt will probably be like $14000, so let's say that takes 8 months to pay off.

That puts me at Dec 2026 for the credit cards to be fully paid off.

Of course, that's hoping the student loans can still be deferred during that time.... I doubt they will, but let's work with the assumption they can be.

That means that by the time I'm 38, I'll still only have saved $12k (plus interest, I guess), and I'll still have to pay student loans, but I'll be out of credit card debt. Barring any additional expenses, of course.

That gives me just under two years to save up enough to live in Israel.

If I can start putting that $1000 back into savings, I'll have freed up that $800 that was initially going towards credit cards, so that could either go into savings to almost double my savings, or some of that would be split between paying student loans and going towards necessities.

Of course, that's assuming I'll know what 2027 even looks like. If costs go up, everything in my budget will have to be reworked. I can't guarantee I'll have any raises by then either, though that would be nice. And commissions and bonuses will depend on how well things are going at work, so there's no way to factor those in either.

With Plan A (the full $1800 goes into savings), by Jan 2029, at 40 years old, I could have $55,200 of my own money in savings, earning 3.8% interest annually.

With Plan B (only putting the $1000 in savings and using the $800 for student loans and other necessities), I'd have only like $36,000 of my own money in savings, earning interest.

To quit my job and move to Israel, that's literally bubkis. Both of these options aren't good enough to live forever without needing to work again (the second being way worse but more realistic, probably).

I'd still need to get a job there, which means learning the language well enough to communicate with people in a professional setting. My language skills are not good, so let's just say that most likely won't happen unless I'm working for English speakers, which means either living near English speakers or commuting a ton regularly unless I can find something remote, but I don't want to work from home. It's so isolating.

But I'm getting off track....

All this to say, in just over 3 years, I'll only have between $36-55k in savings, and that's only if I can stick to these plans.

And all that without having paid maaser or given tzedakah on any of my paychecks, which I hate even thinking about.

How on earth would I ever pay for a wedding???? (Let alone the marriage itself...)

And yes, I know that's supposed to be split between the two parties (assuming he can pay "half"), and yes, I know there are chessed organizations for some of these things too, but my whole life all I've ever desired above anything else is financial independence.

I don't want to go to people with a hand out asking for financial assistance for a one-day party.

I'm a firm believer that you don't live outside of your means, and I haven't even had the means to live by that notion (as you can see by the insane credit card bills), but part of that is also not having a wedding beyond your own budget.

And my budget is literally $0 right now.

Dipping into savings means cutting into the amount of time I can "coast" after making aliyah.

This would also require marrying a guy who wants to make aliyah and/or getting married in Israel. But most of the guys I've met are iffy at best about making aliyah and flat out against it at worst. And getting married in Israel would mean most of my friends/family can't be there, which makes for a small and sad party, even for someone who isn't super into parties.

So... I just don't know.

It's all so depressing.

I'm making more than I ever have before in my life and somehow I feel even more broke.

My parents lived paycheck to paycheck and my childhood sucked.

I don't want to perpetuate that cycle.

I don't want any potential future family of mine to suffer that way. (I'd honestly rather die alone and gift the money to people who will use it to avoid the dire circumstances that I've suffered through.)

And it's hard to feel like any guy would want to even marry into this insanity in the first place.

I have so much stacked against me as it is, that it feels impossible.

So I don't know if you're still out there, dear future husband.

But if you are, please bear with me.

I'm trying.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

My Radar Strikes Again!

Dear Future Husband,

I think I've mentioned before that I have a radar for weirdos and even when my family has denied I have "the gift" to the point that I have even been mocked by them with "LivelyHeart just doesn't like guys" or "LivelyHeart thinks all guys are problematic" just to be proven right because all the guys that have come into our lives that I've had issues with (even when I couldn't put my finger on what it was that made me even think something was wrong with them in the first place) have turned out to be incredibly problematic.

Well, surprise surprise, it happened again.

Friday night, we were just starting our meal when there was a knock at the door. I looked through the peephole and there was a guy I'd never seen before on the other side. If I had to guess his age, I would have put him in his late 40s, early 50s, and he was wearing a suit and had a yarmulke, so I opened up and said Shabbat Shalom.

Turns out he's new to our building and he just needed a corkscrew to open a bottle of wine. It wasn't the first time we'd been asked by a neighbor, so I welcomed him in and showed him our corkscrew options, and he opened the bottle right there, as we all made small talk about the building, and then he said good Shabbos and left.

And MotherLivelyHeart can never help herself, so she asked me what I thought of him, though it was phrased as "Do you think he's cute?"

*dramatic eyeroll*

I kind of avoided answering the question because he was here maybe a minute and a half, and also, if she was thinking of him for me.... no. Just no. Firstly because of the age, and secondly because there was something a little too happy about him. His eyes were like too big or something. But that's not really a thing, and doesn't really make sense, so I didn't say anything.

Anyway, she kept asking, saying he seemed really nice and he mentioned he was single and she added "ready to mingle."

And I was like, "how do you know he's ready or available to date?" And she said something about him saying so, which I literally did not recall at the time, nor do I recall now. But whatever. I was so hoping she was pushing because she had someone else in mind for him, but I have a feeling she was just like "oh, he's single, and here's my single daughter" which, EW.

But she kept going, saying his name sounded familiar, she was pretty sure she'd seen it somewhere, she even knew the spelling of his last name, despite it not being typically spelled the way she said she knew it to be spelled.

I was like, whatever.

Well, after Shabbos I was curious if she was right about the spelling of his name.

Turns out, yes, yes she was.

Now, why he sounded familiar to her, I couldn't possibly tell you.

But why he's familiar at all is because he is on the local sex offenders registry.

No joke.

I won't go into details here about why he's on that list, but suffice to say, it's kind of a misdemeanor that compounded with the sheer number of times he offended, and resulted in him having to do a short term in prison for it. I think he's probably still on probation, actually.

It kind of felt like lashon hara to be talking about him, but I shared the info with MotherLivelyHeart and told her that one of the reasons I hadn't answered her straight out last night was because there was something, but nothing concrete to go off of for that something. And she was like, "you have a gift! your radar always knows!" Which was kind of shocking to hear from her, considering how many years she downplayed my "gift" and basically made me feel like I was crazy for having gut feelings about people.

But suffice to say, there's a new single guy in my building, dear future husband, and I can say with confidence that he is not you.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Cecelia

Dear Future Husband,

I have some other stuff I've been meaning to share for a bit that I'm still working on writing out, but I'm listening to music while I cook for Shabbos (yes, non-Jewish), and I just had a thought that I feel like I need to get out.

The song Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkel just came on and this is a song I've known since I was a kid.

The song starts with the chorus:

'Cilia, you're breaking my heart You're shaking my confidence daily Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees I'm begging you please to come home

That's benign enough.

But then the main part of the song starts:

Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia Up in my bedroom (making love) I got up to wash my face When I come back to bed Someone's taken my place

Even as an adult these lyrics don't make sense to me, so how much more so as a kid, but I didn't really know the rest of the song. I knew the chorus because that's what repeated and that's what was catchy.

But why did I know this song?

Because my father had the Simon and Garfunkel tape and would play it when we were in the car.

And this same man, who played the song out when he was driving us chastised me and said I wasn't allowed to sing that song because it was inappropriate.

I was obviously immediately shamed and didn't know what I did wrong.

I remember singing the song to myself in my head trying to figure out what could be wrong with "'Cilia, you're breaking my heart / You're shaking my confidence daily / Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees / I'm begging you please to come home"

As a CHILD I wondered if I misheard these lyrics. Because I didn't know the rest of the song.

I was embarrassed, I was confused, and I never sang that song again.

I can't recall if my father ever played that tape again in front of us after that day, but that "lesson" stuck with me for decades.

I never listened to the song again until like 5 years ago when I just had to know what I was mishearing. (that was around the time I got the Simon and Garfunkel album because I needed Sound of Silence and Bridge Over Troubled Water for a project and it was cheaper to just buy the whole album, hence why that song is in my music mix)

But that's the kind of screwed up ideals and dysfunction I grew up in.

That's the kind of nonsense I can't escape.

Because this song, which I never listen to popped up when I have all my music on random, and my first thought was to be ashamed and embarrassed and "this is an inappropriate song and I shouldn't sing it."

Granted, it's not a "kosher" song and I don't sing it, but the fact that my gut reaction hearing it is an immediate shame response is horrific.

I've heard way worse stuff.

I've watched way worse stuff.

I've written way worse stuff.

And none of that's great, I'll readily admit, but none of that strikes me as so immediately "bad" as this ridiculous, boppy song from the 70s.

I have a coworker who's into psychosomatic stuff and we've had some conversations recently about a lot of these responses and the traumas that they're linked too, and it's just wild to have something that seems so forgettable, a stupid moment in time, have such a weird lasting effect on me as a person.

I don't think I'll ever be in a place where I don't hate my life.

And it's stupid crap like this that makes me hate it.

One day I hope to be in a place where I don't feel that way.

Maybe you'll help be the catalyst for that change.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Smut

Dear Future Husband,

I do some side work for a local frum lady who works in a medical-adjacent field. She told me that she has considered creating a webstore and social media stuff under a fake name so that she can share her knowledge and expertise for a fee and then link it back to her practice as kind of a "here is someone I respect who you should connect with" type thing, to funnel more business her way.

It's apparently a thing that people do.

I told her it was funny she wanted my help with that because I have a friend who is looking to do something similar in a different medical-adjacent field, and that it sounded like a good idea and she should go for it.

She responded that she has another frum lady who is kind of her business advisor and that lady told her that using a pseudonym gets complicated.

I was like, I don't think it's thaaat complicated (without mentioning that I've been writing under an anonymous label for years) and she responded that this lady knows from personal experience because she already uses a fake name.

And she uses it to write smut.

I was like "ummmmmm.... okayyyyy.... that's a choice, I guess."

And I guess I shouldn't be surprised that people like that exist.

Especially because I have a secret....

I write smut too.

EXCEPT I DON'T F***ING PUBLISH IT AND MAKE MONEY OFF OF IT!

This lady has frum kids going to frum schools and she's marrying them off to frum people, all while she sits at home writing, and I quote, "basically pornography" that she sells to the masses to fund her life. And probably her children's weddings. Ew.

There was a shiur I found by Rabbi Wallerstein A"H like 10-15 years ago where he talked about how he used to gamble. And in the shiur he discussed how there are essentially two sets of money that get distributed every year in the world. There's the money allotted to people by Hashem and then there's the money Hashem allots to the Satan, who distributes it at will.

In the shiur he said that gambling is Satan money. He said it doesn't matter if you use it to pay your kids tuition or donate to a tzedaka, you don't get schar from Satan money and no good will ever come from it.

And I'm preeeeeeetty sure that smut money is Satan money too.

Putting that content out publicly, you also have no clue who's reading it and if it leads anyone to sin in any way, you have that on your cheshbon too!

Let alone, if any of that came out publicly and put her entire family in a position of shame.

And yes, these are all things I've thought about because when you're broke and lonely AF and the only thing you can think to do is put your fantasies on paper and sell them to other people.... it's tempting.

The stories I write tend to be more character-development-centric than smut-centric, but because of the way the plot goes, the smut is kind of necessary. Ironically, I don't even read smut, so I don't know how to write any of it properly.

And I do try hard not to write these things, so when I do have these thoughts and ideas, I try to find a way to make them into more kosher scenes for kosher books I've tried writing (and who knows, maybe one day I will...). Anything that can't be made kosher just gets filed away into a "maybe one day I'll read these to my husband and maybe we can roleplay some of this crap so that at least it's good for some kind of kosher, healthy outlet" folder.

Since I heard about this woman a few days ago, I can't stop thinking how much easier it would be to just do the wrong things and then not have to worry about money. Like, other people are doing it, so why can't I, right?

But that's never a good excuse.

I had a social worker friend tell me once that I'm not a romantic because I don't do anything in my life that to her says "romantic" and apparently romantics are always evidently romantic.

And I wanted to laugh in her face because I come off as more distant and "emo" but she doesn't know the inner workings of my mind.

I may be hardened by the ridiculous life I've lived, skeptical and untrusting of people.

But I don't want to be that way.

I yearn for romanticism.

I want to be swept off my feet and adored.

I want to be wooed.

And I want to woo back.

I want to surprise my husband with little presents and flowers.

I want to cook his favorite foods on a random Tuesday.

I want to give massages and help relieve whatever burdens he's carrying.

I want to dance around the living room to songs we sing together.

I want someone who will break my tough exterior and bring out the "mush" in me.

I want to be with someone who is my living fantasy so I don't have to live in the fantasies of my mind anymore. So I don't have to write them into existence because it already exists.

I just want to love and be loved in return.

-LivelyHeart

Edit:

Ok, it's been a few days and I've given it some thought and what I write isn't strictly smut. lol

I started listening to an audiobook that isn't really categorized as that type of genre but includes a lot of sexual interactions that I wasn't expecting, and some are a described in a bit more detail than I'd write, myself.

So if what these people write isn't like smut smut, then I guess mine isn't either, especially since, like I said, my stuff is more character-driven than sex-driven.

I don't know. Either way, it's stuff a "nice, frum girl" shouldn't be reading or writing, but I do, so.... not winning me any brownie points in shamayim, that's for sure.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

WTF JWED!?!?!?

Dear Future Husband,

As I've mentioned before, I've had a jwed account for a number of years. Maybe even close to 15 years at this point...? So... a while.

Since that weirdo messaged several weeks ago, I've gone onto jwed like once a week just to see if he's popped up anywhere so I can officially block him. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) he still hasn't, so I'm assuming he's got me blocked on his end.

But surprise of all surprises when I randomly just realized that my photos are visible!?!?!?!

I was clicking around and went to PRIVACY and the privacy page had a popup for getting a paid subscription, which I closed without reading.

And then I saw that the privacy settings were all turned off.

UM, WHAT????

They didn't used to be off.

So I flipped them back on and clicked on Save Changes.

And there was a little popup at the top of the page telling me that this would require a paid plan.

UM, WHATTTT!?!?!?!

YOU DIDN'T USED TO NEED TO PAY FOR F*****ING PRIVACY

I reloaded the page just in case to see if it saved, and of course it didn't. I also took a moment to read the popup since it appeared again.

And what jumped out at me was that even with their basic paid plan, you can't browse anonymously AND you can view photos of ALL members.

UM, WHATTTTT???????

So even people with paid accounts who use privacy settings aren't actually private to other people with paid accounts!?!?

I went back to my emails and searched through to see if maybe they sent something about this that I just didn't see, but no. There's nothing.

The only email that popped up about photos and privacy was from 2021 where they announced that new accounts would require a photo.

But other than this, NOTHING. I don't delete emails, and literally going back to 2016, there is NOTHING about privacy other than this.

I was NEVER alerted that my photos would be visible to everyone all the time because I don't pay for an account.

And MY GOD.

To REMOVE privacy without alerting anyone!?

The absolute CHUTZPA.

The F******ING AUDACITY.

The... lack of consent!

I did NOT consent to weirdos anywhere having access to my photos at any time!

And how long has this been going on???

I'm so serious about internet security that I literally google myself at least twice a year to see where my info is being used and have it removed.

And dating sites do not police who joins, so the number of weirdos on there who could have saved my photos to their computer.... my skin is literally crawling at the thought.

Needless to say, I have since removed all of them.

And I'm disgusted.

Absolutely disgusted.

I get they need to make money somehow, but they keep pushing people to use the app, which sucks in so many ways, and to make these wide sweeping changes to PRIVACY SETTINGS without even a courtesy email notifying of the changes is disgraceful.

Honestly, I should just close my account.

I'm just so grossed out by them right now.

-LivelyHeart

Edit:

And to make things even better, I just tried using the contact form on their website to express my frustration and they have some kind of server error.

F*** YOU, JWED

You and your server error can go to hell

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Still Alone

Dear Future Husband,

I have a coworker going through a tough time and I don't know what to do for them, but I feel like I need to do something.

I was thinking I could commiserate by sharing some of the poems I've written in the past, and while I was looking for one in particular, I came across this one that I wrote last year and totally forgot about.

For the most part, I never want to share my poems or songs here in case I decide to publish them at some point, since I try to keep this blog fairly anonymous. But I found a few that I don't think I'll be sharing with anyone ever.

So, without further adieu, here's an insight into my psyche:

Still Alone (2024) Bottles and baby dolls But I sit alone Birthdays and bubble gum But I sit alone Braces and best friends But I sit alone Brakes and boyfriends  But I sit alone Boxes and B.A.s But I sit alone Bosses and benefits But I sit alone Brides and brunch dates But I sit alone Bottles and baby dolls But I'm still alone

Reading it back for the first time since I wrote it, it took me a second to remember what I was getting at, so in case it isn't clear to you too, each one of these is a different stage of life.

Being a baby > little kid > big kid > teen > young adult > adult > and then coming full circle with having babies.

In every one of these stages of life, I have always been mostly alone. No support system, very few (if any) friends, watching everyone else live out the life I've wished for and wanted: literally just to be normal. To be average and just do the things that most people do.

All this time later, and I'm still alone.

This one, I think, is a little more straight forward, especially for anyone who reads my blog here regularly....

Snowing In April (2023) Snowing in April No, it’s not a dream You think you’re crazy But it’s reality Starting motherhood On the wrong foot Postpartum’s serious But help was never sought You kept things bottled up Just the way that you’d been taught Now two children in Still drowning in  Depression You’ve always said I was the best Birthday gift you’ve ever had But you’ve never been The best birthday gift For me Conceived in darkness Gestated in darkness Born into darkness My life is bleak I’m supposed to be grateful you never gave us up I’m supposed to be grateful I never suffered the alternative to you I’m supposed to be grateful  But how can I be When I... hate myself too The voice that tells me nothing’s worth it The voice that tells me I’m a mess The voice that tells me no one likes me The voice in my head... is you

Damn, some of these get super dark, especially 2021 and earlier....

There are a whole bunch of small ones in the same vein as this:

Happy Birthday (2018) 30 years  Has passed me by The same old things Still make me cry I’ve lost my laugh  And the innocence of a bygone life

Honestly, most of the others are just way too dark and depressing to share. Even reading them is messing with my head because it's reminding me of the state I was in when I wrote them, and what I was going through at the time, which I often try to block out.

So.... I'll just leave it at those three for now.

I'm still not sure what to share with my coworker to commiserate or uplift them....

Suggestions welcome!

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Alone

Dear Future Husband,

Why. Just why. Just why everything all the time. Just why.

I don't know what's wrong, but something is wrong. Some kind of IBS thing.

Despite me radically changing my diet and avoiding all my trigger foods and limiting myself every frickin' hour of the day while watching skinny people with glowing skin and gorgeous hair pound processed garbage and live their happy happy lives, I still sit here semi-bald, fat, and turning the bathroom into my second home again for the first time in like a year.

I don't know what's wrong. I don't know if it's a virus or if I ate something bad or if God just likes to play with my life, but I'm sick of the stupidity.

I just want to be normal.

I just want to feel normal.

I just want to not be fully aware of my body and it's stupidity every minute of my life.

I just want to be truly happy.

Why is that so much to ask for?

I'm the type of person who believes that everything we're going through is happening for a reason. But it would be nice to know the reason.

I can tell that my mental state took a dive today and that's most likely connected with whatever cha-cha my gut is doing right now, but it's like despair just set in.

I even had a decent day up until this point. I went to the eye doctor, which was a great visit - the guy is phenomenal at what he does and he loves teaching people about their eye health so I learned some cool things, and got to pick out some new glasses for the first time in like 25 years, and had a fun chat with everyone there...

And then it's like a switch flipped.

My insides have decided to come out, my psyche is ready to end it all, and MotherLivelyHeart is driving me up a wall.

I like who I've been becoming these past couple of months. And I hate who I feel like now.

And all I keep thinking is I need someone to come in and save me from myself. But I hate my body, and it's clearly reciprocating. Which means I'm entering a "I'm going to be forever alone" spiral again and I don't like that either.

I mentioned to a friend that I've been considering aliyah in 3-5 years and she told me not only is that amazing, but I'll have Israeli guys all over me. Basically lined up around the block, falling all over themselves to be with me.

And,I'm sorry, but Lolllllz

I mean, even if I did, at that point I'll be in my early 40s, still a virgin with zero experience with me, still looking for someone who matches my hashkafos.

But I don't want just anyone hitting on me.

I want my other half.

I want someone who makes me feel like I'm worth something. Who gives me purpose and meaning and completes me and makes me laugh and loves me unconditionally.

Hashem makes miracles, but He works within nature.

By nature.... who's going to actually want me?

And unfortunately, being in this 'forever alone' spiral also means that I'm in a mindset for self-sabotage just to not feel so goddamn lonely.

If I'm being brutally honest here, that means seeking out people online to talk to in places I should not be and who want to talk about things I don't necessarily want to talk about, just to not feel so alone.

One of the things I find when I end up in these dark allies of the internet having these private conversations with strangers, is that even without seeing me, they're drawn to my personality. Without knowing what I look like, I'm someone they want to spend time with. For most of them, it's for sure for gross things I'm not interested in. But sometimes the conversations are totally clean and funny and ridiculous and I feel like I've met someone I could be best friends with.

But our general values are different. And I know that they ended up in these dark allies looking for things that I wasn't, even if the end result wasn't what they were initially seeking. Any of these friendship pursued offline would be inappropriate for a myriad of reasons and I have to draw a line with it. And that's also lonely and isolating.

It's like there are no good options.

I'm lonely right now, and my best bet is to wait another 3-5 years until I can make aliyah to possibly find someone who's interested in me for real and kosher reasons?

Like, literally just kill me now.

"So why don't you seek out more kosher places online?" I can hear you asking....

Well, I don't exactly want to talk to frum guys (or even Jewish guys, for that matter) in the same manner I can talk to non-Jews... Mostly because I don't want to cause them to slip in any way and have that on my cheshbon.

I just want someone to make me feel not so alone for a minute.

Honestly... I think I just need a hug.

And I think I need it to be a male hug.

I think I'm touch-starved in more ways than one, and considering how absolutely crappy my father was to me growing up and how little I ever wanted to be touched by him, I think there's some chemical imbalance in my life resulting from lack of exposure to positive and healthy male hormones.

I don't even know if that makes sense, but there's a whole thing about babies being around and held by their fathers skin-on-skin for a reason. It does something important for development.

My father was hardly around when I was little and then when he was, he was a nightmare to be near. I stopped even wanting a bracha from him on Shabbos (when I was in like third grade, maybe?) just because it meant him putting his hands on my head. Let alone get a hug.

I may have mentioned here previously, but a couple of years ago I literally wondered to myself as I drove past a fire station if I could just drive in and ask the firefighters for a hug.

Aside from greeting-hugs with my mom's family, whom we hardly ever see, I've been shomer my entire life. But in that moment, the desire for a hug from a man, was so strong. And someone whose life's work is to save people... in that moment I just wanted to be saved. It was an intense feeling for someone who rarely experiences intense feelings.

I've never had a boyfriend, I've never had boy friends, my brother rarely brought friends around our house, and my friends' brothers were rarely around when we hung out at their houses.

When I used to have conversations with boys/men, I used to get insane knots in my stomach just talking about simple things, let alone important things. I hated it.

As I get older, I'm growing out of caring so much and can pretty much talk to anyone anytime without the anxieties I used to have. Although, truth be told, I think a lot of that might have to do with gut health.

I think the better I feel physically with my digestive issues, the less anxiety and depression I experience, which just makes me a more positive and agreeable person, even with myself, which has never been a reality before in my life.

So this backslide today with whatever is screwing up my system is like a direct line to screwing up my mental health.

But even knowing that objectively.... the temptations to do things I know I shouldn't do and talk to people I know I shouldn't talk to are still so frickin strong.

And it truly does not help that I don't have a healthy and kosher avenue to express any of that pent up frustration or sadness. I don't have friends who do "girl talk" so much. Most of my friendships are built on trauma bonding, when I come to think about it.... But that also means my friendships with women tend to be somewhat transactional. I'd like to think we've moved past the basis of connecting via venting frustrations, but I'm too much of a sissy to test that theory out of fear of just being more alone than I already am.

And because part of being shomer is that there's always a bubble around me that males do not permeate, there's only so much I can actually connect with the other men in my life before things turn weird or inappropriate. I'm constantly policing my speech and actions around my male coworkers so as not to say or do something that even for a second might come off as crossing a line.

I have this one coworker who has back pain and he's always standing up by his desk and doing stretches. And several of the non-Jewish ladies do the same thing, but I know that I can't. If I want to stretch I have to find an empty conference room or go to the bathroom or something.

And being constantly aware of how much I have to hold myself back from just doing things that would make my life a smidge more comfortable all for the sake of not crossing boundaries and remaining tznius, is also pretty isolating.

And none of this crap was on my mind at all until my insides decided to stage a revolt against the body that houses them.

I'm telling you - it's a direct line.

And I'm so sick of feeling sick.

I thought I'd figured all this stuff out and it was over and I was past it.

I'm so damn tired.

Of this stuff, but also in general.

And I need a f***ing hug.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

"Age Gap Love"

Dear Future Husband,

Could you be 21 or 22 right now?

Is it possible we have an age gap of 15 or 16 years?

I had not one, but TWO people yesterday encourage me to date someone that much younger than myself....

One was a non-Jewish coworker who referred to it as a "May-December" relationship, which seemed familiar, but I had to look it up. Apparently May is the younger person in the "Spring" of their life, and December is the older person in the "Winter" of their life.

We were dealing with benefits paperwork and she asked me if I was married. When I told her no, she asked if I'd ever been married and I told her know. She followed that with a hushed, "...do you want to get married?" I think she's used to all the religious people in the office being married young. lol

I told her it would be nice but I've made it this far in life without a man and could probably finish off this existence without one. She chuckled and said she knew how that went.

She asked what I was looking for and if I'd be interested in any of the single guys we work with, mainly the dude my age who isn't religious and the 21 year old I mentioned previously.

I told her with the first guy, he's not at my religiosity level, which she seemed to understand, and with the second I'm almost old enough to be his mother and she said "but he's really cute! May-December!"

And then later in the day I was helping a friend with a project and she mentioned that I look happier than I have in ages, which I agree, my current circumstances, still far from my ideal, has definitely improved my general mood. And we got to talking about guys, so I mentioned some of these weirdos and recounted to her the whole thing that I shared with that other guy who was emailing.

She referred to that guy as a neckbeard. I had to google it. "A Neckbeard is a pejorative term and stereotype for an adult man or teenage boy who exhibits characteristics such as social awkwardness, underachievement and pretentiousness." Which, yeah. Pretty much that. lol

She's a therapist so she sees a lot of personality things I don't and she said it sounds like he's seeking negative attention because he just can't get any positive attention, which is sad.

When I talked to LilSis about it she said that based on what I was reading it sounded like he's created some sort of fantasy around me, despite him not even knowing what I look like.

Both basically said it sounds like he's just lonely and desperate for attention from whoever will give it, which in this case turned out to be me for a whole three days. So, that's fun.

Either way a nebach.

But regardless, TherapistFriend asked if I had any other prospects on the horizon and I joked that it was just the non-frum and 21yo coworkers for now and she said something like "go for it!" I reiterated my whole "he was basically having an upsherin when I was graduating high school" thing and she went "don't think about it like that. like, if he's right for you, he's right for you. don't limit yourself."

And I just don't know. Like, it's still suuuuuuuper weird to me. Not that he's even dating or in an emotional place to be dating right now.

But also, I had a brief conversation with an adorable guy the other day who turns out to just be 22 and I had a similar moment to meeting my 21yo coworker where I thought he was a lot older than he was. The guy made a comment about something being around for a long time as "before I was born" and I had to take a moment and ask how old he was because I never would have guessed 22.

Like, what is happening?

I've never really been one to have crushes, and except for two actors who were in their 20s when I was like 8-9 years old - Brendan Fraser and Ioan Gruffudd (who I think were both objectively hot lol), my interests have always been with guys who are my age or, at most like 5-8 years older than me. Although those are as an outsider just looking at people as hot or not. Not actually considering someone as a life and marriage partner.

When I first entered "the parsha" personal limit was "no one younger than my youngest sibling" because 5 years younger than me seemed extreme. But now that I'm "an older single," I had to update that to "no one young enough to be my son" because that's weirdly a possibility in my 30s.

And by a technicality, 16 years is young enough to "be my son" despite me not actually knowing anyone who had kids at 16.

I still have a ways to go before I'm in the proper space to be open enough for a relationship like that anyway, but would I be limiting myself by not considering someone that young?

I often feel like an old lady, but for most of my life I've appeared younger than my age. Is age just a number? I feel like it has some relevance because of relatability. I mean, these 21-22 year olds were born a couple of years after 9/11, and that was a huge cultural moment globally , when I was in middle school. The world shifted on its axis that day. And I can't make sense in my mind of ending up with someone who was born later than that. It's just so dang weird.

But maybe ending up with someone that young would bring out the youthfulness in me. I have literally no clue because it's never been part of my life experience.

There are so many other boxes to check off when it comes to compatibility, but an age gap like that feels like "cradle robbing." Like, even if that person chose me, I would feel like somehow I'm preventing them from finding someone their own age. Though I guess who am I to judge if I fall into their "preferences" and they aren't interested in someone their own age.

Still hella' weird.

And of course, having these conversations lately, my brain decided to pull up some article I read a while ago about how as we age, older women are more likely to have successful pregnancies and healthy babies with a younger partner than they would with a partner whose sperm is "old." I think they call it "Advanced Paternal Age" or something, which has something to do with women being the stronger of the two when it comes to reproduction after 35, but the rates of success are better when the guy is younger.

Which, granted, does not mean that significant of an age gap, just that the woman is older than the man, but now my brain is scratching away at something that I never really let myself think about - me having babies over the age of 35.

At the beginning of last year I lost around 40lbs when I started a new diet thing, which due to life being stupid, I ended up gaining about 30 of that back by the end of the year. And now that I'm on a similar food regime, I'm like 3-5lbs shy of that marker again.

I have a lot more to lose and more to do to get my health in a better place, but I've already experienced some changes that I did not expect to experience until I was down like 80lbs. And although some of these changes are not fun from a general standpoint, and I feel like I'm experiencing puberty for the first time as a grown freakin adult, it makes me wonder if the possibility of me marrying and having kids within the next few years is actually something I could hope for.

And what if the odds are stronger with someone who's younger? If that's something I truly want, do I have to reevaluate my agist sensibilities?

I've never been super averse to a younger guy, but in my mind that was like 2-5 years max. Nothing like a decade and a half. God, even saying that is weird. When I turn 40, a 21 year old would be turning like 25. How can that not feel weird!? Maybe with the right person it would just feel like "us" and not specifically ages, but stilllllll! So damn weird!

I don't know. It's not like any of it even matters at this point in my life, but I unfortunately can't shut off my brain.

Everything is in Hashem's hands, though, so I guess we'll see where life goes.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Guys, Guys, Guys (Pt2)

Dear Future Husband,

Would you like to meet a bunch of dudes who aren't you? Well, get ready to, because this is fun. lol

I would love to actually just screenshot some of their messages because some of it is wiiiiiiiild.

For now I'll present one guy.

I've shared my radical honesty dating profile here ages ago (which has gone through a few renovations, but is ultimately the same lengthy essay that has a bunch of gatekeeping notes - "all the reasons you shouldn't date me" type stuff). Now, since I shared that, I've hardly checked the site and for almost a year now, I actually had my profile disabled, since I had a lot of other stuff going on and didn't want to deal with it. But then, someone mentioned something to me about something they saw on the site and I reenabled to go look and totally forgot to disable again when I logged out. So I didn't realize it was sitting there open since Pesach time.

But how did I find out it was still open? I'm glad you asked. Well, it turns out that I needed access to an online account I set up years ago and I couldn't remember which email address was the login, since I couldn't access it with the three logins I knew about. So I went searching through all my email addresses (and yes, I have a ton of them for different things, long story). And when I opened the one associated with that form, I saw someone had actually figured out my sneakiness and emailed me through my website.

So, let's start with the guy who emailed before we get into the site messages.

Now, I had put a couple of easter eggs in my profile, two of which were phrases they were supposed to use when they contacted me so that I knew they read it, and the message above didn't include either. So I congratulated him on being the second person ever to figure this workaround for communication and then said I would be remiss if I didn't point out he used neither of the phrases.

He responded that he did... when he messaged me on the app. Well, buddy, I said in my profile that I couldn't read messages there because I don't have a paid account. But aside from that, I checked my chats and there were no requests from him there.

He also said that in those messages he included a short intro about how he's divorced with kids and why his demographic likes me, despite me saying I wasn't particularly interested in that demographic. Unfortunately, he couldn't figure out a way to screencap the messages to show me and they were not popping up at all on my end.

I asked what he liked about my profile and he said, "What I liked was your whole drasha about all the reasons your relationship likely won't work out. I found that ironic, brave, strange and strangely appealing. I've never seen anything like it." Which was very kind, and I told him so.

We chatted briefly about possibilities for why his message wasn't showing up on my end, during which he referred to himself as being in the "dreaded demographic" to which I responded:

Like I said in my profile, context matters for how/why someone ended up divorced, with or without kids, but having seen first-hand dysfunction with divorces, it's just a strong preference to not be embroiled in the drama when I have so much of my own already. 🤣 But I do have friends from divorced homes who married divorced guys with kids and bli ayin hara they seem really happy, so I know it's a doable thing, especially with good communication and coparenting. In general, I'm open to conversations with almost anyone because "ya neva know" and also, even if someone I talk to isn't for me, maybe I know someone for them, which I guess is also kind of a "ya neva know" thing. Lol

And then I mentioned something I hadn't included in the profile - that I'd like to make aliyah in 3-5 years. That will depend on a lot of factors, obviously, but he can't move since he shares custody with his ex. So this was my first hint that I wasn't really interested.

He then asked my full name and gave me his phone number for whatsapp. I stupidly gave my full name to "reciprocate" since he'd used his in his email signature, but I refused the phone number thing.

Apologies, but I don't give out my phone number to people I'm not super close with. This may sound nutso, but I feel like it makes things too casual, and as a schmoozer, that can lead to lowered inhibitions and crossed boundaries, which isn't my intention, and I feel that needs to be clear. While I can be friends with almost anyone, as a general rule, I don't have male friends. I have work colleagues and friends whose husbands I'll chat with whenever I see them, but I don't make a habit of texting with guys "for funzies," if that makes sense. I hope you can understand and don't take any offense. 

To which he responded with a very interesting response...

I understand. It’s interesting that in your dating profile you also wrote something to the effect of your conversations “get strangely intimate,” or something like that. I don’t judge, as I am lonely and can easily fumble and fall in this area. But you’re very forthcoming about things that others are often ashamed of.

Now, pray tell—what are your intentions? 

And if you don’t want to converse by text or phone, do you have dialogues over email? How does that work out for you? 

Interestingly, while I haven’t had any “intimate” conversations by email in what are probably decades, way back when, before WhatsApp and other social media, emails had more potential and promise for intimacy and crossed boundaries. I remember as a bachur how my palms would sweat and my heart would pound when I got an email from the seminary girl I was into at the moment. Man, how things have changed!

Since I didn't respond right away, 20 minutes later he felt the need to clarify:

I guess I’m asking how you intend to date via email.

Which is a fair question, but my goal was never to date fully by email. It was to vet people by email the same way people do by chat on these websites. If I see potential, then we move on to the next phase. I'm not sure why that wasn't somewhat obvious....

I responded with my classic over-explaining lengthy essays, breaking things down by each point he touched on.

lol Yeah, by that I mostly meant that I'll have what I think are just fun on-off conversations with people, joking around, and then suddenly they're like "can I take you out sometime" and I'm like "uhhhh I thought this was just a light-hearted chat" and when I rebuff advances, the response I get is often them trying to convince me why my reasons for not wanting to go out with them is wrong. Unfortunately it happens online too, so I've had to block some guys in the past, but I find it way easier to block emails and profiles whereas, if they have my phone number, who knows what the heck they're gonna do with it, you know? I can believe most people aren't ill-intentioned, but when people get emotional they do irrational things, and I'd rather not be the punchline in that learning experience. It's kind of a "trust but verify" thing for me.

And I got into the whole "older lonely" thing, commiserating with how it is quite difficult and sharing an anecdote of a friend who is divorced with two kids, one just becoming bar mitzvah, and how she's shared stories with me of things she's done on dates with guys who claim to be frum.

I also explained that since I didn't realize the profile was open, I didn't really have any "intentions" because I wasn't really expecting to hear from anyone during that time. I also took the opportunity to download the app and see if his messages had come through (they hadn't), but when I had the app open, I learned that I could actually read the messages that were hidden behind a paywall on the website. So, that was a chiddush. And I shared with him how many guys had messaged with similar usernames but not the one he told me he used.

I took a slight tangent to share a message I discovered I'd received a few years ago from one guy in particular (which I will share shortly here) and then said:

All that to say, I'm super aware that my profile is a deterrent to most guys. That's kind of the point, if he actually took the time to read it (which he claimed to have). I'm not really all that interested in wasting time and energy (both emotional and physical) on people who are vying for my attention but aren't good matches. I understand we have to do our hishtadlush, but I also believe that everything happens when and how it's supposed to when we trust that Hashem is guiding the ship (even if a lot of those things suck big time). That means that I don't have to waste my time on people like that dude, no matter how triggered he was by what I wrote.

So I guess my "intentions" are... I'm not really sure... Since, until I saw your email, I didn't realize my profile was still open... But in general, I feel like on occasion it's important to test the waters and see what's out there. I can't claim to want to meet a guy but be a hermit all the time. At the very least, to give Hashem an opening through which to make miracles happen. And I think that can happen through email. At least to start, anyway. I can get a sense of who someone is, how they express themselves, whether they write with tons of typos and just don't care lol, and if things seem to be going well, at that point I'd coordinate a video chat or in-person meet-up. Kind of like using the chat on the app/website, but with a larger character count and better formatting.

To me email feels a bit more formal, at least nowadays. As media changes, I think the way we utilize them changes too, and while I used to be way more casual with email and had everyone call my home phone, now that we have phones in our pockets, I find those to be more personal and email to be more formal.

Also as I said in the profile, I think I'm a better writer than orator, so I find it easier to formulate my thoughts and not say things that I shouldn't say (not even for bad reasons, just cuz it's unnecessary or too much, which seems ridiculous considering how much I've already written here...) but I did warn that I'm a talker and over-explainer. 

There was some other stuff thrown in, but that's the gist of it. Most of it was pretty generic explanation, not really personal. And I literally started off by explaining that because my personality is pretty approachable and agreeable and fairly funny, a lot of guys seem to take that as if I'm way more interested in them than I am.

But then, his response....

Okay, wow. So much to respond to! But I'd rather speak on the phone.

You clearly love (and are excellent at!) writing, but my profession (I'm an attorney) has squeezed all of the joy out of writing. (I used to write a lot; maybe I'll tell you about it another time.) So, while I understand your rationale for sticking to email, to me it's joyless, burdensome, inconvenient and alienating. And if the alternative creates temptations, so be it. We're grown ups trying to navigate and negotiate our love lives (or lack thereof), and the risks are inherent and inescapable. I once actually asked (for a friend, of course) a rabbi about whether a person should date even if they know they have a propensity for violating the laws of shomer negiah, or if it's better to just not date and stay single. He said the former is preferable; you deal with the temptations (and failures) as they come, but you aren't free to avoid the struggle just because the risks and liabilities are high.

I infer from your email that you're a real tzanuah. You are shocked that divorcees are fooling around, and the raciest conversations you ever had were with your chassidishe coworker about mental health subjects. While I admire your innocence, I am many, many, many miles away from you...

And yes, I like puzzles.

Looking forward with sweaty palms and a racing heart.

So, he basically starts with taking what I said as more interested than I am. He explained why, but also told me straight up that he wants to violate my boundary of no phone until I'm comfortable enough with how a conversation is going to make it person. He includes that he's clearly struggled with things like being shomer, which for me is a non-negotiable in my lie. And he ends with the line "sweaty palms and racing heart" basically saying that he's in to me in a way that I'm really just not.

And.... my guy.... no.

Just... no.

An hour later, at 2am, he follows up with:

Can you please remind me how old you are? Also, I think I recall from your dating profile that you’re politically conservative. Is that right? MAGA?

Like, what?

Honestly, I should have just responded "yes, i'm all gung ho for trump and musk." But I didn't read his message in the tone I should have...

Because I passed out on the couch and read his responses when I checked my phone at 3am right before I moved to my bed, I was half asleep when I read them and was immediately turned off by all of it. I drafted a response, which I then sent later without reading any of it again.

Kinda sounds like we're on different paths in life and looking for different things. But let me know if you want me to try connecting you with my divorced friend, since it sounds like you guys may be in a similar velt. lol She's the same age as me (36ish) with two kids, her oldest is just about bar mitzvah now. And, despite a lot of my stricter opinions and hashkafos, I'm more of a centrist with conservative leanings but that wasn't really an option when filling out the profile. Definitely not a MAGA. I thought both Trump and Biden/Harris sucked as options, and if I'd actually made it to the polls on time, I probably would have voted third-party. I used to be registered as a libertarian, just to buck the partisan system, but the libertarian party fizzled out and I got a notice it no longer exists in my state, so I think now I'm just an independent, though I don't know for sure. I hate politics. lol

Have an awesome, productive day!

Aaaaaaand his response:

Good morning. How did you deduce what I’m looking for? And what do you think I’m looking for? What do you think my hashkafos are? I actually have very frum hashkafos and am tznius, etc. All I’m saying is that you’re more innocent and dare I say naïve than I am. Is that a “path in life,” as you put it? Or is it a realization that even the best of us stumble and fall? Is it lewdness and uncontrolled lust, or is it a strong desire to connect in a natural, healthy (albeit halachikally premature) manner? I’m shomer negiah and am not looking for casual fun. I’m just saying that I don’t judge and I no longer blush (as you said you do and I should)… And while I’m sure your friend is wonderful, I like you and want to get to know you. 

Why does my red-bloodedness (lol) scare you? Would you rather marry someone with weak impulses and no desire? Why does you come across as so passive and avoidant when it comes to shidduchim? Your whole profile is a giant warning to stay away. You said several times that you don’t really care but are just doing hishtadlus, etc. And you scare away so easily. What’s the catch?

————— 

I used to be a super-conservative republican. When Trump entered the scene, I became a never-Trump Republican. After January 6, 2020, I registered as an independent. I voted for Harris (not that I like or support her, I’ll just take anyone who isn’t fascist over our president, who is) in 2024. I have severe TDS. I wouldn’t even kiss a MAGA Trumpster. I’m physically repulsed.

But, like, no, sir.

For so many reasons, no.

It might be "halachically premature" if you're already engaged, but when you've been texting back and forth for a couple of weeks and the first time you meet in person you essentially have your hands down each others pants on a park bench.... no. Just no.

I thought what I wrote was the nicest way to get things to end, I mean, we'd only been emailing for like 2 days, but he's immediately confrontational about it all. Like I've offended him somehow by saying I think we're on different paths.

He's mad that my dating profile is a huge warning sign, yet I explained both in a previous email AND in the profile why that is.

I think I rolled my eyes like 12 times just drafting a response, which I also probably shouldn't have done.

But as I said, I accidentally gave him my first and last name, and unfortunately I'm the ONLY one who pops up on google with that name, so a quick search directs to literally just me. And the idea of someone being mad at me and looking me up makes me super uncomfortable.

So the people pleaser I am responded like 13 hours after he sent that.

I think when I first read your response it came off a bit flippant and more casual than I tend to be when setting boundaries, particularly towards things like shomer negiah. I think znus is one of the greatest struggles of our generation and breaches of shomer negiah are a symptom of that. I’m far from innocent when it comes to exposure of inappropriate content, even though I generally attempt to maintain a clean mind and life, and prefer to come off as someone more tamim, because that's my ideal life, even if it's not my real life. (Dress for the job you want, and all that, you know what I mean?) Despite being interested in a lot of content I'm aware I shouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, as you said, we're not infallible, and overcoming those struggles isn't easy, particularly in light of how young I was when I was first exposed to some of this stuff. 

You asked "Is it lewdness and uncontrolled lust, or is it a strong desire to connect in a natural, healthy (albeit halachikally premature) manner?" and I don't think those things are always mutually exclusive. As humans are complex creatures, I think it can be all or any combination of those things, but that doesn't make it right, especially when there are young children involved and the goal is to raise them to be talmidei chachamim, as is the case with my friend. She spends so much time and energy getting her kids into the right schools and tutored by the right rabbeim, and then she's on a park bench where anyone can see doing things she shouldn't be doing? It makes it worse that she's basically giving the guys what they want and then they disappear and stop responding to her, so she's left with a whole lot of "what did I do wrong?" which is terrible for her mental health and affects her ability to see herself as worthy of remarrying a great guy. I get the loneliness, I get the frustration, but kids absorb the energies of their parents and what she's giving off are not healthy vibes. But that's just my opinion. I obviously can't know exactly what goes on in her life or her home, I just know how she comes off to me when we talk. And that's not an indictment of everyone who does the same things, because everyone has their own toolbox of experiences that colors their decision making and the thought process around it. Some people are built for one-off encounters like that. But I don't believe most are, and I think it would take a hell of a lot of convincing evidence to prove to me that they are. 

As for the "passive and avoidant," like I said, I honestly didn't realize my profile was open until you messaged, and I wasn't actively seeking a relationship in my current zman. My mom's health is rapidly deteriorating, I had to basically close up the business I was working at previously in like three days almost single-handed and got super sick, and I just started a new job about a month ago that I'm still adjusting to. Due to some life stuff I was unable to work for about 6 months last year, so I'm still making up for a lot of financial and medical stuff that came up, and things have just been a lot lately. I'm not so much avoidant as just busy and preoccupied, if that makes sense. And my profile is a big "don't waste my time" because (aside from my strong opinions on certain matters) my overall personality is pretty agreeable and inviting, which makes keeping lines clear a difficult challenge, particularly when it comes to rebuffing advances from guys I don't see as a good fit. As I said, I'm a schmoozer, and I can befriend almost anyone, but that doesn't mean I want to marry just anyone. I've seen a ton of dysfunction in my life, particularly in my own family, and I'm not interested in repeating those patterns. If that means surrounding my property with warning signs, so be it. But I feel I need to be clear about where I stand on certain things, particularly those that are essentially deal-breakers. Why waste my own or anyone else's time? We all have enough going on in our lives that shidduchim shouldn't be the complex mess that it's become today. Like, if it came to parnassa you wouldn't waste 3 months going through an application and interview process with a company just to find out the day before they're ready to hire you that you'd be sacrificing 80% of your time for 1/3 of a livable wage. Those things should be figured out immediately. So why would you waste weeks, and emotionally invest yourself in someone who isn't going to meet you where you're at physically, mentally, and spiritually? Best to get some of the big things out of the way first and if those are not deal-breakers, move forward from there. 

But again, that's just my personal perspective on things, based on my lived experiences and the things I've witnessed first-hand. To that end, I should clarify that it wouldn't be "scared off" so much as quick (albeit, possibly impetuous) decision making, based on vibes. And that's something we're all entitled to do. Nobody gets to force anyone to be their friend, and in the case of frum relationships, as I said, I don't really do casual friendships with guys, so if I don't see something as a possibility for myself, I feel it's only fair to let the other party know instead of jumping to blocking or intentional ghosting. But that's kind of where over-explaining trips me up because as you can see, I can't get my fingers to shut up. lol 

Interesting perspective on the politics thing. I don't think I know a single other person who voted for Harris. Ok, in the frum world, at least. I have no idea what my super liberal non-frum relatives did, but considering they tend to vote with their party and they'll never not be democrats... I'd assume they voted Harris. And most people I know aren't super rah-rah-Trump anything. They seem to view him as a means to a particular end - friend of Israel. I think I only know one person who's become an insane Trumpster, but around the same time she also became a crazy yechinik and started hocking MLM stuff, so.... yeah, I think she's gone off the deep end in more ways than one. 

He messaged back pretty quickly:

Before anything else: what’s MLM?

So I explained that multi-level marketing is like pyramid scheme stuff that people hock and generally target their friends first on social media.

His response at 8:51am:

Gotcha. Thanks. I wish you and your less innocent friend all the best! Have a wonderful and successful life. I hope your mother does well and feels good.

And then at 1:37pm:

Just to clarify: I'm pulling the plug because it seems to me that you aren't interested in a relationship with me. I completely understand your rationale for not giving me your number, but the fact remains, you didn't give me your number. lol. So it is what it is. You seem very cool (and definitely very smart!), so things will IYH work themselves out for you. If you want to give me your friend's name, feel free to do so, but you don't have to. 

And then at 9:56pm:

I feel like I disappointed you with my bluntness, and I'm sorry. I just understood your metaphor about the job application to mean that I should just gtfo. 

Now, granted I'd been able to respond in the middle of the day for the most part over the LITERALLY JUST THREE DAYS we'd been emailing, but are people not allowed to have busy days and not respond immediately?

And... MY GUY... OY.

I'm pretty sure I had made several attempts at letting him know gently that this wasn't something I was interested in pursuing. So him saying goodbye was kind of a relief. Until he followed it up. Twice.

I responded the next morning:

Good morning! Totally not offended here. Yesterday was just super crazy at work and I had to run some errands after that were more involved than I thought they'd be. When I got home I literally just passed out on the couch, didn't even eat dinner or anything. #funlife

I messaged my friend asking if she was interested in me sending her info on a guy and she said she's actually seeing someone right now, which seems to be a new thing. If anything changes, I'll let you know!

His reply:

I was hoping you’d respond that I misread you and you actually are interested in me.

MY GUYYYYYYY. NOOOOOOOOOO.

At this point I realized I'd have to be more firm. So I responded:

Sorry, another crazy night helping people until too late to function. lol Honestly, if I did casual friendships with guys, you seem like a fun dude I’d probably hang out with. But since that’s not something I’m interested in, I’ll have to regretfully decline your advances. It may be primarily on my end, but I just don’t feel there’s compatibility here, especially in this season of my life. If it’s not right for one of us, it’s not right for both of us. That said, the right person is out there for each of us somewhere! I truly believe everything happens for a reason; maybe we’ve learned something from this interaction, or maybe we’ll think of someone for each other. If I think of someone who might be a great fit for you, I’ll definitely let you know! Shabbat Shalom!

And his final response:

Ok, good shabbos.

I can only hope that's the end of that.

I literally explained in the profile that this happens. I reiterated that in the email chain. And yet.... it happened again.

I'm really working on my ability to make things clearer and firmer but as someone who has a constant fear of offending people, it's really a difficult thing.

Suffice to say, my dear future husband, this man is, was, and will never be you.

I wish him the best, I truly do, and I believe there's someone out there for him, but I am not her. For so many reasons, no, dude. Just... no.

(more to come)

-LivelyHeart

Edit:

Ok, it's been 2 days since I posted this, but almost 10 days since I stopped emailing back and forth with this guy.

And this morning I woke up to this notification on my phone:

Yep. Same guy.

How many times do I have to say MY GUYYYYY.... NOOOO.....

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Guys, Guys, Guys

Dear Future Husband,

I'm living in a whole new world right now. And I can't tell if I like it...

So, I finally quit my previous job because I got a job offer elsewhere. I thought at the time that maybe Hashem was finally hearing my cries and granting me something that could help me moving forward, but I'm starting to think it's just another joke He likes to play on me.

I know that every workplace has its pros and cons, and there's really no way to escape that no matter where you work, but it seems I can't escape the same stupid issues.

When I applied and interviewed with this company, I had no idea it was owned or run by frum Jews. In fact, I was looking for a place that davka wasn't. I've said for years I don't like working for frum businesses because things like lashon hara become a huge issue and I don't want to have to navigate that.

Although in the current political climate, working for non-Jewish businesses is no cake-walk either, so, again, no real winners here either way.

But I had beseeched one of my seminary rabbis for his tefillos on my behalf and I though maybe Hashem was finally responding in kind. Maybe things would be turning around. Maybe things were looking up for once in my life.

And yet... now I'm just not sure.

Before I started this new job I had to close up the old business I was working for because without me there, there's no one to run things since my boss at that place lives elsewhere. The news came suddenly and the decision was made a week before Pesach with the decision being that it would close the week after Pesach because the week after that was when I was set to start the new job.

My boss at the time was really generous and good about giving bonuses for hard work, so I was expecting one when we closed things up, especially because she wasn't able to be here for it and I basically had to do everything in three days.

Well, turned out I worked myself too hard and got insanely sick and ended up missing my first week of the new job.

And while I got paid for the hours I worked, I didn't get any bonus for the time and energy and getting sick in the process of closing up her business, which, I'll be honest, I'm kind of annoyed about. But whatever.

I always spread myself too thin and offer too much, so why should I be surprised that wasn't actually recognized? That's not a new thing in my life.

Either way, I'm now at this new job and for the first time in my life I'm on salary and getting a steady paycheck, chasdei Hashem. But honestly, is it worth it? I'm not so sure.

The company started off as a small, heimishe business and is now trying to grow nationwide. The problem is, it's still being run like a small heimishe business. And no, I did not know this when I signed on. These are all the little things you learn along the way once you're tied into the system.

There's SO MUCH dysfunction because training is practically non-existent. One of the coworkers I have to work closely with on projects has been there about 2.5 months longer than I have and he's been suffering this entire time because he has two people who oversee his work and they both suck at their jobs in more ways than one.

My boss literally had me write an email to HR today just to get some of the dysfunction on record so we can try to fix this hot mess. But two people told me the HR lady doesn't usually do anything, and someone else said that she is mostly for show so that the company can say they have an HR person. I have no idea. My only interactions with her up until this point have been with the hiring process and she was super nice and responsive, so I don't want to believe she doesn't really do anything else, but I guess we'll find out.

In the meantime.... let's talk guys, since I know that's why you're really reading this.

There are currently five guys on my mind. Three of them are coworkers. Let's get into this:

Working with guys for the first time in forever is a weird experience, especially in such a large environment that just has a larger number of guys than I've ever had to interact with on a regular basis. I only have one brother and we barely talk. I don't speak to my father. My male cousins and uncles are kind of on the periphery of my life. And the last two times I worked in alongside guys, one of them was like 10 years ago and it was just two guys, and the time before that was like 15 years ago and there were only three guys.

At this place, though, basically daily I interact with like 10 and there are at least 5 others I still need to communicate with when needing approval for things. That's a lot of testosterone! Not that all of these guys are local - for some we communicate by zoom or Teams.

But one of the things that makes it a little more complicated, for me at least, is that I generally have an agreeable and approachable personality, so I can essentially befriend anyone. I know it doesn't seem like that based on how I write, considering how strong a lot of my personal opinions are, but out and about in the world, my interpersonal connections are different. And having that kind of open personality that people want to be around complicates talking to guys because they often think my friendliness and schmoozability means more than I intend for it to. It's not flirting, I swear, it's just incessant talking and a head for puns. It literally doesn't mean anything more. lol

Ok, well, there are exceptions... despite not feeling attractive by so many metrics, there are obviously times that my insides take control and I may joke a little too hard to get certain guys to smile more, because I find them cute and it's like a little win in my column to get them to notice me back. But in my life that's honestly a rarity.

Lately though, I find myself having to hold myself back from doing it with one guy in particular. Not that it would even matter since he's almost half my age and would never view me as a prospect. lol

But he's literally tall, dark, and handsome. And has a cute smile when he's not so stuck in his head and brooding, which is why I'm borderline crazy just trying to bring some levity to his life. He's got the longest lashes too (and yes, I'm so jealous!). He's 21 but he doesn't look 21. It's clear from talking to him that he's very young and still learning, but he looks and acts more mature. I was literally just looking through some old pictures of myself from around that age too and even at like 24, I looked more like a freshman in high school than an adult. This dude actually looks like a mature adult. Crazy.

As it is though, it does give me the opportunity to kind of "Mama Bear" him a bit. Be like a fun "aunt" type and support system, which I don't think he's had at work (or even at home, considering some of the things he told me about his family dynamics). It's been tough for him adjusting to the working world straight out of yeshiva, and this job is a big deal to him. He takes it seriously and is super organized and diligent, so I have no doubt he'll be successful. He just needs to get out of his head a little bit and I kind of almost wish we weren't frum so I could just take him out and do fun things without it seeming like anything inappropriate, you know? Go for walks, or bowling, see a movie once in a while or something.

But this is the continued tale of "woe is me," so of course I'd meet a cute guy who checks a lot of my boxes and who I get along really well with and he's almost half my age. I mean... damn.

But he's not the only guy who has popped up in my life recently, so let me tell you about another guy who isn't you.

This was the first dude I met on my first day and my boss had a personal thing to take care of, so she had me shadow him to learn the ropes.

Let's call him Shai.

Shai is not religious. In fact, the day I met him he told me he's the only non-religious Jew in the whole office, which was kind of funny and interesting. He's a few years younger than me, super American, but the son of Israelis, and he went to a quasi-religious day school through HS, so he knows frum stuff in the far reaches of his memory, but he tends to only recall that stuff to turn it into jokes and not because he actually connects with any of it.

He's also a nutcase. Totally my sense of humor and we're cubicle neighbors, so we're ridiculous together. The banter we have is kind of like the weirdest siblings, but it works for us.

I don't have casual male friends, but if I did, he'd totally be the type I'd hang out with just for the ridiculousness. He actually asked me today if I know any girls for him, so I'm racking my brain trying to come up with someone who is his type, but I don't know if I know anyone right, but my sister gave me a lead, so I'm on the lookout for his beshert. lol

And I could mention the married guy I work with who made me blush a couple of weeks ago, which I didn't even know was possible and now I hate myself a billion percent more for it. It wasn't even anything indecent, it was just a stupid joke that made me laugh so hard and I became immediately self conscious about it and.... yeah, that was fun...

And I was going to take time now to discuss dating app guys who have popped up in my life recently, but frankly, I'm too pooped right now to write anything else and I have to get up early, so I'll save that insanity for another day.

Suffice to say, dear future husband, you are most likely none of the guys I've mentioned previously. Despite what some may categorize as a crush on this poor 21 year old.

But I'm a mess, so would we expect anything less? Nope.

They say don't date anyone less than half your age +7 years. At 36, that means I shouldn't date anyone younger than 25. In so many ways, this guy is a baby. He doesn't get any of my references because my "hayday" was the mid 2000s when I was graduating high school and he was... having an upsherin?

It's weird. It's just so freaking weird. And it makes me feel weird to even like like someone that young. It's just weird.

Ok, I'm basically falling asleep sitting here, and I've been passing out on the couch too often, so let's not do that tonight, mkay?

We'll save the dating app guys for another time.

Layla tov, dear future husband.

-LivelyHeart