...inspire me

Hi. I'm Hannah (or HJB).Chicagoan expat. Queer vegan commie millenial. etc. 

[c-53]

Need to share this one hit ko i got hit with

[blushroom-goddess-deactivated20]

[hjaybee]

Back to square 1

In the story of my mental health progress I never envisioned there would be days where I was right back at square one. Knocked down - sobbing on the floor - aching for nothing but death.  But - to be fair, I never imagined there would be any progress in the journey at all.  I had accepted that I would eventually just kill myself.  Which may still be true.  But I have so many good days now. So many more good days than bad days it’s not even recognisable. I’m barely recognisable. Most days I don’t feel like I’m battling depression/anxiety actively. Most days I don’t tremble in fear of triggers and worry about trying to sleep in anticipation of horrific night terrors.  Most days I don’t dissociate. Most days I can still use my arms and have over 90% dexterity.  Some of my dexterity, I don’t think can ever come back without intensive occupational therapy. Some some notes I just can’t play on the ukulele.  but most days, I want to sing anyway.  So I have to remember that movement has still been made. However small. However difficult to see or feel when I fall into these fits of sobbing and impassioned self hatred. Most days I want to live.  but it only takes one day for me to not one scary all encompassing bout of feverish despair - and I’m gone So I have to stay ahead of it, plan around it, and hope that the progress has been enough to prevent the worst. even on my worst days Today has been hard.  Today, I accidentally opened a wound - clearing a dangerous pathway of thought that I tried to abandon.  It’s still here. I just have to do my best to get around it.

[depsidase]

[hjaybee]

how could it be anyone but you?

[hjaybee]

“I have not had one word from her Frankly I wish I were dead When she left, she wept a great deal; she said to me: "This parting must be endured, Sappho. I go unwillingly." I said: "Go, and be happy but remember whom you leave shackled by love” If you forget me, think of our gifts to Aphrodite and all the loveliness that we shared - all the violet tiaras, braided rosebuds, dill and crocus twined around your young neck - myrrh poured on your head and on soft mats girls with all that they most wished for beside them. while no voices chanted choruses without ours, no woodlot bloomed in spring without song...”

Sappho

[neckkiss]

“Make it a habit to think positive.”

— Anonymous

[earthtodes]

[hjaybee]

self care feels like intense self discipline

[halokisses-deactivated20221228]

my mindset improvement 🎀🎧🕯

“i wish” = “i’ll dream”

“i wish” = “i’ll hope”

“i wish” = “i can become”

“i think” = “i become”

“i think” = “i am”

[champ-wiggle]

[winedark-maverick]

i love you green. i love you forests. i love you smell of damp earth. i love you feeling before the storm breaks. i love you moss. i love you rivers. i love you streams. i love you thunderstorms. i love you sunlight shining through leaves.

[hjaybee]

Has it gotten better?

Sometimes I’m really sad about the memories I’ve lost  My writing, journaling, and blog posts from myspace and downelink ...I really want kto know where my brain was at that time the things I was thinking about myself and about the world.  Everything felt so awful then  I want to see that I’ve made progress I need something to measure against  I look here and I see how deeply entrenched and unhealthy my obsessive neuroses are. There is no one who I’ve ever loved that I don’t love anymore.  They all still have a space in my heart and in my mind. Even if they never earned it. Even if I’ve learned better habits and emotional hygiene, even if I’ve created new boundaries - I can’t impose them retroactively.  I still feel the pain from heartbreaks when I read old journal entries. But I also notice that I have a lot more days that I want to live anyway And a lot more days filled with planning and hope that isn’t centered around ending my life.  And after over 15 years of counseling, and therapy, and treatment, and different medications, in different classes of pharmaceuticals, and different diagnoses, and insurance nightmares - - I’m just starting to notice a sliver of growth.  I want to believe that started happening sooner So that I can celebrate myself more right now And embrace the process a bit more But it’s gone.  And that sucks quite a bit

[goodbye-angels23-deactivated202]

Las palabras crueles nos rompieron.

Waving Goodbye (via goawaybro)

No.  Son las palabras hermosas cuales no son ciertas que me rompieron

[hjaybee]

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I don’t really function based on other folks judging or lack thereof. I don’t know that much would change.

Pick my brain.. figure me out.

[hjaybee]

I would have 10mm gauges in my ears 

[hjaybee]

formspring.me

I THINK THAT YOU’RE THE MOST POPULAR PERSON ON FORMSPRING

lol I’m starting to think I’m something close to that. I wonder why people don’t ask me this questions in person or on twitter. Am, I that intimidating?

Pick my brain.. figure me out.

[hjaybee]

Lol now no one cares about me.  This was really the peak of people desiring to tinteract with me.  What a time

[hjaybee]

formspring.me

why u gotta ban geminis?! that’s not cool how bad experiences fuck it up for the rest of us lol :)

Lol so sorry

Pick my brain.. figure me out.

[hjaybee]

I went on to date THREE MORE GEMINI WOMEN ...and it was all just tragic  Like. Idk what I was thinking trying to be open. 

[hjaybee]

formspring.me

So are you saying you want to be straight but are just attracted to women and cant help it?

I wantED to be straight. I spent a good few years of my life hating myself for being attracted to women, praying, meditating, and doing everything in my power to relieve myself of that desire. I actually started researching monasteries my senior year of high school because I thought it’d be in my best interest to leave everything behind and try to devote my life to something else, and completely ignore sexual desire. I’m past that. Maybe deep down, somewhere, I still want to be straight, but not enough to waste my time, or another guy’s time. and right now.. i HATE women ..but I *love* women and I can’t help it. =/

Pick my brain.. figure me out.

[hjaybee]

This was still a very present fear when I met my husband. I told him how unsure and nervous I was, and how I had a track record of leaving great guys to be with women.  & That I struggle with internalized self hate and wanting this heteronormative life but not knowing how much was healthy and how much was forced.  I don’t know that I’ll ever know the answer. Comphet is really invasive that way.  I know that I love women so much And when I look at them I know I could never be straight And I’m comfortable with where I am with that now. 

[hjaybee]

formspring.me

So Have you ever Dated A Soror?

No. I get asked this a lot, and it’s not as taboo in my mind as people have made it. I would. It just doesn’t seem very likely to occur

Pick my brain.. figure me out.

[hjaybee]

....it occurred