A Color That You Never Heard

Rêver à l'infini pour vivre l'impossible - AelysAalai

[hjorvajone]

#03:13; How I Wish I Know.

“When I was a kid, I once was loving books so much to the point that I was asking God that I wanted a -novel like- life, the adventurous yet good life that seems too impossible. The fantasy of traveling the world and see mythical creatures and to meet a lot of people that always humbled me.

Little did I know the novel and movie I once wished for are coming to life. I was never meant the tragic part, I always meant the adventure part. The part when I need to travel the world to seek for happiness and wisdom. Having so many good people that would apparently catch me when I fall. Not having trouble by thinking ‘where does the main character get the money to be able to travel the world while their job is so mediocre?’, or ‘must be so warm to be surrounded by people who don’t treat you like the second option, to always checking on you one day or another.’, or ‘I don’t need to tell the adults what they need to do.’.

I didn’t know I would be the main character that has saddest past, tragic story line, the trauma that haunts yet need to be highly functioning and kind human being, the accident I need to get, finding her inner peace and heal by herself. Seems like every story line I have been watched in the dramas and movie come to life. Get to travel the world, but I need to carry the fear along the way.

I didn’t know I need to cry every now and then just because I miss home that I never have. When I don’t even know where to go.

I didn’t know I would be the character that so bright and looks so convincing that everything is safe and sound. While I carry the resentment and the evil whispers that I never tell.

I didn’t know which chapter I need to fight or I need to rest. I didn’t know which chapter that I need to be abused for many times. I didn’t know which chapter I need to bang my head with the harshest truth.

And I didn’t know which chapter that I deserve to receive love and kindness without telling and explaining the language I have that is lost in translation.

How I wish I know. How I wish I know where this story line comes to a happy end.”.

[hjorvajone]

#03:11; I Don't.

"I don't want to be loved when it's only convenient for you."

2025, that was a reminder that I found throughout the internet, lingering for at least, this past one year.

When I finally started to choose myself. I needed to be unloved and experienced unkindness from the relationship that I thought it would be last for a longer time.

Part ways. Not so bad, perhaps.

Getting used to good byes become my new perspective. The girl that always so terrible at saying good bye, now is getting use to separation. And moving on. When moving on is always far from my consciousness. Now, letting go is the part of my daily affirmation.

As the years pass by, the importance of someone is only exist when it's only convenient and easy. I learned the hard way. Not applicable to all lives, of course.

"You will never be alone, I'm here" such a pretty bullshit that I heard most of the times. Knowing that words are just words, unless we can prove the loneliness itself doesn't consume the people around us.

Experiencing the "you can do alone" and yes, I would gladly say "I can", makes me realized that I live my life to be an available person in the days that were not so beautiful. And no, "I don't want to do alone."

"I like you because you are always bright and cheerful, you lifted up my mood," they often say. I forget, how inhumane I become, neglecting the cold emotions just to appear beautifully. Pretty hurts, indeed, but that's not what we are talking about.

"I don't want to be loved when it's only convenient for you," yes, you read it right. I want to be loved when the life path getting so foggy as it has always been. I don't want to be loved only when I'm bright and yellow. I want to be loved when I'm cold and quiet. I don't want to be loved only when I'm always available in seconds as I always do. I want to be loved when I'm unavailable in the moment of uncertainty.

I want to be loved with the understanding that covered with kindness in the first glance. The serene without constant questioning.

The defense that I need when the villain starting to show up. The company to walk beside me when the time stops ticking. The love that I don't have to explain like the days I understood without explanation. The joke that I don't need effort to laugh. The equal kindness, the equal understanding.

You all know that I would. I could.

The "everything has been handled peacefully." Quietly.

And yes, "I don't want to be loved when it's only convenient for you.".

[hjorvajone]

#13/05; A Bright Little Sorrow.

“I've been betrayed and falling out of love with tears dropped in thousand dusks and dawns. I even become numb to the cold evening that used to stab my bones and lungs to the point that I couldn't breathe. 

The love that I saved and nurtured in my heart for years could flipped and turns into betrayal and dissapoinments that have no end. I don't even understand how I mixed up the blood and the water. But it turns out the water could cleanse the blood that drops from the cuts that no one can see. But sometimes the water brings huge amount of undetectable cells that caused some harm to the person who swallow it to the very end of their glass.

Don't ever ask how many souls has scratched my trust. Because I could never count how many sweet yet venomous words I've received. Turns that I understood that my love languages never be words because I have no time for bullshits. 

Even the sun couldn't cover the moon and saying sorry how dark the night I've spent crying on thin air over something I should've let go sooner than I realized it should. I told myself that one day I will be the love I never received like how Rune Lazuli softly wrote it on the internet. And that day comes. 

The day I realized that I want to become a love I never received from the world full of hatred towards something that never do any harm. Being a love from unbreakable family’s nightmares. From the tongue that has ripped the stitch of a friendship’s quilt. From the platonic lovers who went M.I.A. And one day if you find me that I'm bold enough to let you go, that day I understand, I'm no longer deserve you.”

[hjorvajone]

#03/09; I Told Myself Not To Fall In Love.

🍎: "Med, lo sehat kan?"

🥀: "Hah apa emang aku keliatan sakit? Jangan seram!"

🍎: "Ngga ih. Ngga. Sehat kan? Lo ngga kenapa-kenapa kan?"

Was my tired and sad face too obvious? Or just because you read my story on whatsapp that I deleted within 20 minutes?

You, who told people you won't go if I wasn't there. 

You, who asked me to gave you accompany wherever you go. 

And you, who got so angry but still sat down with me on the last day of that crowded night, while my ankle got swollen. Waited for me to get better. And I realized we were there surrounded by a lot of people, while both of us sat down on the dance floor.

Or the day when you drove far away to hang out with me, every one day and another, and it was become my little escape without knowing that I loved to saw you around.

You, who accompanied me while I was waiting at Abu Dhabi's Airport for 8 hours stopover, it was in the middle of the night in Jakarta, and you were waiting the dawn to melt down, the sun to rise. You told me about our silly memories once more. Hoping that I recalled those funny old times. And yes, I remember it clearly.

You, who refused to see me while I was in Jakarta, but you know so well I was just come back from my 3 years absence.

And you, who asked me wether I was fine or not, because you know I was always not.

You, who told me to stay sane. You told me to stay in your room with her, while you went out with him. But I followed you at 1 AM, to the place that I've never been before. I told myself I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to feel miserable and dissapointed at that very night at the house full of sorrow. I drank a little bit too much, they said. Surprisingly I didn't get tipsy and still wide awake. You told me to go home but I refused, and you said to me to stay still, sat down with her. Then, I got sick 4 days after I met you, but I laughed, because this is the very first time I got sick but I feel loved by many. I wasn't alone like thousand nights I've spent before.

You asked me wether I remember the old times, and I laughed and smiled all night. Because, yes I do. I still do. 

We grow up trying to be fine. Funny thing is when we never knew anything about each other for this past 8 years being friends. 

I told myself not to fall in love.

But, perhaps, falling in love a little bit with all the good times that we spent, won’t hurt me that bad.

[hjorvajone]

[hjorvajone]

[kucinghitampan]

“Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water. And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent, but nothing is infinite, not even loss. You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day you are going to find yourself again.”

— Finn Butler, From The Wreckage (via themotivationjournals)

[hjorvajone]

#20/02; The night of an answer why everything was so messed up.

🌦️: "Gue cerita karena gue mau lo belajar lah dari gue, dari kita-kita. Cewe tuh harus capek dulu baru bisa pake logika. Ya walaupun lo belum pernah punya cowo, tapi gapapa brakti lo tuh hati-hati, ngga usah buru-buru." 

 🥀: "Gua ngerasa kalau gua ini sekarang lagi ancur-ancuran. Kalaupun suatu hari ketemu, gua maunya ketemu orang tuh let it flow aja, ngga harus cari di aplikasi atau apa. Desperate banget keknya. Lagian, takut gua sama dunia, serem." 

 🌦️: "Nih ya gue kasih tau, orang tuh kalau sayang sama lo, mereka mah ngga akan abusive. Mereka ngga akan nyakitin lo secara verbal atau fisik. Namanya orang sayang pasti bakal ngelakuin apapun yang terbaik. Kita juga nantinya bakal ngasih yang terbaik versi kita. Karena kita sama-sama sayang. Kalau lo sayang, lo ngga mungkin nyakitin, Med." 

Is it applicable in another circumtances?

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

[hjorvajone]

#27/01; A convo, welcoming the missing Kiddo.

🥀: "Waktu itu, rasanya semua orang punya 'orangnya' masing-masing. Kalau mau lari, aing lari ke siapa?"️

🌷: "Maksud gue, ada gue gitu.."

🥀: "Makanya. Aing punya temen banyak tuh baru kuliah. And I love each of you, gitu. Waktu itu, kalian ngga ada. Dengan semua pressure, aing tuh lari ke siapa? Ke kalian-kalian doang. Ke Jahanam juga. Makanya aing selalu seneng liat kalian, liat Jahanam, liat sobi deket aing dari SMP dan SMK. Kaya ngga tau, sayang aja. Sayang sama kalian ini."

️ 🌷: "Nih ya, dengerin gue. Gue dibilangin sama senior gue 'apa yang lo pikirin tuh cuma ada dipikiran lo doang. Nyatanya ngga begitu.' dan iya. Dipikiran lo, lo tuh bukan siapa-siapa. Tapi, buat gue, buat yang lain, lo tuh bukan-bukan siapa-siapa. Maksud gue, lo tuh siapa-siapa buat gue, buat orang lain. Lo tuh part of our life. Denger, inget, rumah tuh bukan berarti bangunan. Home is where your heart belongs to. Rumah lo banyak. Kalau lo mau pulang, pulang ke gue. Gue kan juga rumah lo."

Photo by Ian Keefe on Unsplash

[hjorvajone]

#03/01; Adulting 101, a convo in new year.

😸: "dia masuk UGD kemarin. Dia kan gitu anaknya, emang ngga pernah nanya siapa-siapa. Pas subuh-subuh jam 2 nelpon gue. Jatoh dia."

🥀: "Iya ya, dia kan congkak mampus. Kenapa ya, aing malah selalu nanyain orang-orang. Emang segabut itu ya aing?"

😸: "Lo kerja jamnya selama itu, lo masih bilang gabut?"

🥀: "Aing baru sadar sekarang-sekarang, kalau lu notice, aing ngga pernah bilang aing sibuk ngga sih? Makanya selalu dibilang anak PAUD, anak TK. Aing merasa gabut terus."

😸: "Ngga, itu mah bukan lunya yang gabut. Emang orang-orang aja yang ngga peduli. Gue kirain lo ke mana. Eh ternyata lonya lagi ngga baik-baik aja ya..."

Photo by Ryunosuke Kikuno on Unsplash

[hjorvajone]

#02/10; A Hole, Indeed.

“There’s a deep hole inside your heart that can not be filled. It will not be filled with anyone nor anything. Only the person who made the deep hole can fill it up, no matter how many friends you have or how many love you have received, it will not be filled. Moreover, she dug your heart over 20 years you live, cut it to bleed and made a huge amount of wounds, leave the incurable disease, and maybe it will continue. You’ve tried to run. You’ve tried to escape. But, it’s fine. You help yourself. You coping it well. She has 0,0001% chance to change, you know it very well.

But, Darling, you have a lot of energy. You have a really big hope. You have faith in every impossible life you have live in. You are the love itself.

My Dear, let me tell you, there is still one thing you can do:

You can love. 

Love more. Much more to fill the space outside the deep hole. By the time, the hole will get smaller and smaller. The love will push every misery. It will teach you. Let the wisdom of time make you be a bigger love than ever.”

- From the second session of my confusion.

Photo by Ahsan Avi on Unsplash

[hjorvajone]

[hjorvajone]

[hjorvajone]

[hjorvajone]

[hjorvajone]

[hjorvajone]

#2:59: If Only

One day, there was a bird. It flies and stopped by a lake, full of swans, surrounded by hundred of humans, admiring their beauty. The unknown bird told them something it has been questioning about, for a long, long time, to one of the swan on the lake.

"My dearest swan, if only, I were pretty, I were beautiful, I can be lonely",

"You can't be lonely my dear, you can't be."

"If only, I were smart, I were bright, I can be sad",

"Why would you be sad, my dear? You can't be."

"If only, I were a fairly white swan like you, or I were a sparkling peacock, I can shed a tear",

"An ugly duckling should be tough, my dear. You should be."

"If only, I were the light, I were the world, I can be fragile",

"You are not the universe, my dear. You are not."

"Why would it be like that, my dearest swan?"

"Because you are not beautiful, my dear. You are not. You will never be."

Photo by Kacper Chrzanowski on Unsplash