So, here’s a personal post. It’s been a little while, but I kind of feel like I need to use this blog for more personal things. Hey, my blog, my rules, I guess!
I’m trying to live more presently lately. I’ve been focusing on conquering my anxiety and depression in healthy ways. I’ve been seeing a psychologist again and she’s been helping me learn some coping mechanisms. I’m trying really hard to be at a point in my life where I can be happy just being in the now. My anxiety always pulls me backwards and I end up in a really crappy place that I thought I’d left far, far behind me. Since coming off my antidepressants, I’ve sort of had to learn how to feel again. I never realized how many of my emotions were muted, or blocked out all together, by my medication, so it’s certainly been interesting trying to find a balance again. It was really, really, really hard for a while—possibly the hardest it’s ever been. But I think I’m getting there, really slowly. I’m just trying to remind myself that I’m only human and that every day (heck, every minute) won’t be a perfect one. I’m also trying to give myself a pat on the back, so to speak, when I actually use a coping strategy to pull myself out of an anxiety attack or a really dark place. So today, when I didn’t have a crushing mental breakdown over failing my learners test (which sounds silly, but it’s something that’s huge for me—I have unbearable anxiety around the idea of driving and it was hard enough for me to get into the registry in the first place), I used a coping strategy and managed to walk down the street not crying and hyperventilating. So, I bought myself and orchid. Because sometimes (okay, pretty much all of the time), I don’t give myself enough credit for getting out of bed each day and living with the monster that is my mental illness. And anyone who can get through the day when they feel like their body and their mind are running in two opposite directions really fast deserves a damn flower.
So yeah, that’s where I am lately. Part of me wants to get really excited about little wins like this, and then another part of me reminds myself that there will be more struggles, and probably really soon. But I’ve decided it’s okay to be proud of myself, and it feels weird, but right now I’m kind of loving it.