The Holonet News

THE GALACTIC INQUIRER news. rumours. scandals. your source for everything the senate doesn't want you to know (holonet blog for sw indie rp )

[holonetdaily]

HOLONET  DAILY  MONTH  ISSUE  01 

Obi-Wan  Kenobi’s  romantic  life  uncovered!  (Secret  love  child  exposed?) 

Anakin  Skywalker  causing  major  galactic  traffic  violations  with  crashed  speeders  and  daring  escapes  from  Senator  Amidala  and  Senator  Chuchi’s  apartments.  - Love  triangle  scandal? 

Local  psychic  announcing  a  10%  off  sale  for  all  new  clients…  cheapskate  or  an  up  and  coming  rival  for  spiritual  inquiries?  (We  still  think  the  discount  should  at  least  be  30%) 

Yoda  spice  and  cookie  heist! 

Continue  to  stay  tuned  for  more  gossip,  scandal,  and  intrigue.  Be  sure  to  keep  your  eyes  peeled  and  share  receipts!

[holonetdaily]

GET READY FOR THE BIG DROP!

[holonetdaily]

A  gentle  reminder  to  the  citizens  of  the  Republic:

We  have  sources  everywhere. Don't  forget...  we're  always  watching. We're  always  listening. And  someone  is  always  willing  to  sell  your  secrets  to  the  Holonet

[holonetdaily]

LATEST  REPORTS:  sources  are  now  claiming  that  @temperedfaith  is, checks  notes,  a "bloody  fortune  teller"

The  Holonet  cannot  yet  independently  verify  these  allegations,  but  several  highly  dramatic  witnesses  insist  there  is something suspicious  afoot.

Our  investigative  team  has  been  dispatched  immediately,  mostly  because  they  enjoy  gossip.

More  updates  as  this  story  develops

[holonetdaily]

BREAKING: We  have  officially  received  the  first  statement  from  the  alleged "bloody  fortune  teller."

Rather  than  denying  the  allegations...  they  have  instead  announced 10%  OFF  TAROT  READINGS  FOR  NEW  CLIENTS.

That's  right.  Not  a  denial.  A SALE

[holonetdaily]

LATEST  REPORTS:  sources  are  now  claiming  that  @temperedfaith  is, checks  notes,  a "bloody  fortune  teller"

The  Holonet  cannot  yet  independently  verify  these  allegations,  but  several  highly  dramatic  witnesses  insist  there  is something suspicious  afoot.

Our  investigative  team  has  been  dispatched  immediately,  mostly  because  they  enjoy  gossip.

More  updates  as  this  story  develops

[holonetdaily]

i heard yoda is a big fan of ketamine in his tea and weed in his brownies

this  is  now  the  second  anonymous  source  alleging  unusual  ingredients  in  grand  master  yoda's  refreshments.

one  source  could  be  dismissed.  two  sources?  now  we're  asking  questions.

is  the  grand  master  on  spice?  if  so,  how  often?  only  during  council  meetings?  does  this  explain  the  900  years  of  backwards  sentence  structure?

until  the  jedi  order  releases  an  official  statement,  holonet  daily  will  continue  investigating  this  developing  story.

[holonetdaily]

i heard master yoda has a custom foundation colour

Our  investigative  beauty  team  has  contacted  the  Jedi  Temple  and  requested  Master  Yoda's  skincare  routine,  foundation  shade,  and  moisturiser.  We  will  update  the  public  as  more  information  becomes  available

[holonetdaily]

is yoda stealing cookies??

[holonetdaily]

Hey uh, I just saw Master Yoda passed out on the Temple steps. He was covered in glitter....just lettin ya know.

Thank  you  for  your  eyewitness  report.  We  have  a  few  follow-up  questions:

•  Was  Master  Yoda  snoring? •  Approximately  how  much  glitter  was  present? •  What  colour  was  the  glitter?

[holonetdaily]

i  think  ……  we  have  to  make  a  story  on  master  yoda  ……

[holonetdaily]

i heard that yoda puts ketamine into his morning tea

this  claim  has  been  added  to  our  growing  investigation  into  the  grand  Master's  beverage  habits.

We  have  reached  out  to  the  Jedi  Council  for  comment.  Thus  far,  Master  Windu  has  simply  sighed,  while  Master  Kenobi  has  requested  we  "please  stop  asking  questions  like  this."

[holonetdaily]

rumors are going around that it is actually, in fact, yoda who is the secret master-mind behind holonet daily. how do you choose to respond to this accusation? are you feeding the galaxy rumors and curiosities to distract from the actual corruption of the Jedi Order?

If  Grandmaster  Yoda  were  secretly  running  Holonet  Daily,  do  you  really  think  we'd  have  published  three  separate  stories  about  his  alleged  kinks?  We  may  be  reckless,  but  we're  not  self-destructive.

[holonetdaily]

an anonymous source in senate circles has mentioned that jedi knight dooku has been seen escorting senator drili to various separatist peace talks, often taking different vehicles than the other senators or having different accommodations

now  this  is  the  sort  of  transmission  our  editors  enjoy  waking  up  to.

you're  not  the  first  source  to  mention  count  dooku  and  senator  drili  in  the  same  breath,  and  the  pattern  is  becoming...  difficult  to  ignore.

different  vehicles.  different  accommodations.  repeated  occasions.

tell  us  everything.  dates.  planets.  witnesses.  were  they  seen  leaving  together?  did  anyone  else  notice?  because  at  this  rate  we're  dangerously  close  to  changing  the  newsroom  whiteboard  from  "alleged"  to  "95%  confirmed."

your  identity,  naturally,  remains  protected.

[holonetdaily]

rumors that parasitic slugs are taking over peoples minds..

what do you mean, taking over peoples minds???????????!??????

[holonetdaily]

[holonetdaily]

our newsroom has narrowed tomorrow's investigation to the following suspects. whose dirty laundry should we air next? vote responsibly. we won't.

yoda

obi-wan kenobi

anakin skywalker

count Dooku

braig claermoore

Darth maul

Ahsoka tano

Voting ended onJun 28

[holonetdaily]

I've seen evidence that THE GALACTIC INQUIRER is run by SEPARATIST CLANKERS!

I  have  reason  to  believe  this  was  sent  in  by  a  clone,  so  this  must  be  biased im  more  interested  in  hearing  about  any  gossip  in  the  clone  army,  do  you  have  any?