Honest Mormon Blog

James || BYU Grad || LDS & Gay || Mentally Unwell || Him/His/He

[honestmormonblog]

I think I might close out this Tumblr account soon. It was really important to me 3 years ago when I had no one to talk to about my sexuality. But now I'm 100% out, in a very rewarding relationship, and mentally stable (more or less). Plus a lot of those original Queerstake folk have also moved on from Tumblr. Also also in 2020 it wouldn't hurt if I spent a little less time scrolling through social media.

I don't know if I'll password protect my account, or just export it to my hard drive, or what. But I'll sleep on it & we'll see what happens.

Either way I guess it's worth saying that it definitely does get better. 3 years is a long time, but in hindsight my life has improved so much, in so many innumerable ways, since starting this blog as a suicidal gay boy. I still don't have everything figured out but I think I'm headed in a good direction, and my life has been full of so many amazing moments that sick confused me could never have anticipated.

[honestmormonblog]

“There’s a crown, covered in glitter and gold, And I’m gonna wear it, whether you like it or not.”

[honestmormonblog]

To a younger me,

One day you will live in a world where fun dance parties aren't interrupted every 5 minutes by your bishop playing a slow song.

Because it turns out that awkwardly swaying back and forth with a member of the opposite sex doesn't prepare you for adulthood or heterosexuality.

[honestmormonblog]

Jesus hung out with sinners because there were only sinners to hang out with.

Rachel Held Evans, Searching for Sunday

[honestmormonblog]

When my parents suddenly pretend like they’ve been cool with gays for a long time, and it’s just the church that has the problem

[honestmormonblog]

I recently moved to a new area & sent my membership records to the new ward, like the good Mormon boy that I am. The bishop emailed me & wants to meet me because I’m a new member. Do I:

1) Ignore his email, thus risking another confused email from the bishop?

2) Meet with him but hide my homosexuality, thus going back in the closet?

3) Meet with him and reveal my homosexuality but not the existence of my boyfriend, thus risking weird looks but not excommunication?

4) Meet with him and be perfectly honest and vulnerable like Brené Brown would want me to be? (This is also the most uncomfortable option.)

[honestmormonblog]

I don’t watch General Conference anymore, but reading through other people’s comments makes me think of a blog post that I read several years ago regarding church policy. I can’t find the exact post but in effect it went something like:

Mormons talk a lot about “loving the sinner but hating the sin.” Well, I can definitely feel the hate, but I’ve never felt the love.

[nerdygaymormon]

13 videos gone, 4 remain

When the mormonandgay website debuted in 2016, there were 16 videos of queer people sharing their story. These were honestly the best part of the website.

These individuals were meant to be examples of queer people making life in church work, to be role models. Although they were careful to say this is what works for them and acknowledge that church can be complex for queer people.

These videos generated a lot of comments, ranging from proud of them & proof people CAN be happy following the church rules, to how dare they contribute to their own oppression by an institution that harms queer people.

In the 3 years since the website was created, 13 of those videos have been removed and 1 added. That’s 13 people who have found joy and love. The one added is of church-going parents who accepted their son is gay & left church.

Even though most didn’t make a public post about why their video was removed from the mormonandgay website, they are role models. They show that life happens and often doesn’t go how we expect. That growth occurs and changes in understanding happens. That’s real life.

[honestmormonblog]

It is not always easy to love. I have often called upon the wise counsel my mother gave me when I was relating to her some perceived injustice I had suffered. I insisted that my grievances were justified. Knowing she could not undo the injustice, my mother advised me to “throw a blanket of mercy” over the situation. In essence, she advised me to love, to forgive, and to show mercy even when I felt my demand for justice was valid. She urged me to let mercy pay the debt and satisfy my claims. This advice has saved me much anguish and provided me great relief when I have been able to heed it. Choosing to love is choosing to heal from the spiritual wounds inflicted by injustice and suffering.

Michalyn Steele, Choose to Trust the Lord

[honestmormonblog]

Here’s the thing that really annoys me when Mormon leadership announces that gay people are wrong to identify as gay: 

Millions of gay people for many decades all around the world have insisted that their identity and sexuality are distinct and important.

But Church leaders ignore all that and instead announce that “We know more about you than you do, and our opinions about you are worth more than your own knowledge about yourselves.”

[honestmormonblog]

One of the most under-discussed legacies of being raised Mormon is waking up as an adult and realizing you have a Veggietales song stuck in your head.

[honestmormonblog]

As much as we might want a Savior who spares us from suffering and pain, who hates all the same people who we hate, and who always lets us win, we don't get to make a Messiah of our own making. We have instead a Savior who wants to save us from ourselves, a Savior who says that the only way to gain life is to let is go, to release our grip and hold even our own lives in an open hand, in a posture of surrender.

Rachel Held Evans, The Way of Jesus

[honestmormonblog]

I taught my boyfriend about the September Six today and he got really excited and read all about them and said that I should be just like them which I'm pretty sure is not something I can really control at all but the thought is nice.

[honestmormonblog]

I've been going to a new gym and today not one but THREE people talked to me even though I had headphones in and am clearly just attempting to Not Suck at being athletic while avoiding being noticed by strong people???

[honestmormonblog]

I had a dream last night where I was screaming at my parents. Which is unusual because I never tell them what's wrong with me. At best, they're not equipped to handle it, and at worst, they are manipulative and make it about them and the church.

I assume a lot of queer people have similar problems. I needed them to be there for me during a time of crisis and they weren't. I told them that I attempted suicide and they pretended like it never happened. Now, even though they didn't disown me, they still have homophobic beliefs that stop them from really engaging in my life.

I read an article about having to "grieve" for the parents that we don't have. I think I need to do something similar... acknowledge that I need parents who aren't so messed up and let myself feel sad about it, with the goal of one day moving on and maybe healing a bit. Because I'm actually really angry and sad about the entire situation, and it's starting to mess with my sleep.

[honestmormonblog]

TIL this guy is now gay and engaged to a man??

All my childhood heroes are even bigger heroes now.

[j-the-latter-gay-saint]

institute sub: before we start the lesson, does anyone have any questions or anything that’s been on their mind that they want to talk about about the gospel?

me, internally: not with this group

[mormonmonastery]