Honestyme

This is just me being me stating how I’m feeling in the moment and I’m not going to apologize for that.

[honestyme]

A victim is a victim for as long as they choose to be. A survivor becomes a survivor when they stop viewing themselves as a victim and start doing things to make them feel safe all around...

[honestyme]

So it has been 9 years. 9 freaking years. I don’t know how I would have gotten through this if it wasn’t for my family. 9 years ago I met My husband. He had just gotten home from a deployment and my sister and her boyfriend at the time thought that we should meet. We met on video chat and exchanged numbers and we just started talking. But later that night I was a little reckless and got drunk and high. My roommate brought me home and said that he would help me get ready for bed. I heard him get my pjs and bring them over. He then got me undressed and right before I slipped into unconscious I felt a pressure where a pressure shouldn’t have been. I woke up the next morning trying to act as normal as I could. A couple days later I had friends over and he wanted to talk. I told him no I didn’t want to talk. Then I asked him why would I hear you out after you raped me? Why? My friends looked at me and then at him and then back to me. 9 years ago I felt like a victim. I felt like it was my fault. Like I could have done something to prevent it from happening. If I didn’t say something. If I didn’t do something. If I didn’t wear what I was wearing. 9 years ago a piece of me was tak... no stolen from me. Yet here I am 9 years later married with a beautiful little girl that will be 5 in July. A house, a car, a trailer, 2 amazing puppies, and love and support from the most important people in the world. 1 year ago I started therapy for this trauma. 1 year ago I started my journey to better myself. 1 year ago I went from looking over my shoulder every 5 minutes to see if he was there to just walking around. 1 year ago at work I wasn’t able to see, say, or hear his name or even a name that resembled his. I wasn’t able to see a car that resembled the one he drove without have panic attacks. Id have an immediate panic attack if I saw someone that even looked like him. Now?? Now because of therapy I am able to do all of those. I went from being a victim to a survivor 8 years later and realizing it wasn’t my fault due to therapy. Talking about it really helped. I’m still trying to love myself. Because of that. What some people don’t realize that after something like this happens to you, that your self confidence and self esteem plummet way down and it takes a while for it to get back to where it was before. If it goes back to where it was before. I love my family and my friends that have helped me through this. And I would just like to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you all!!!

[honestyme]

Love.

Why do you have to feel so good?

Why do you make everything right?

Why do you take a part of us,

Twist us into someone

We’re not meaning to be

And make us do dumb shit?

Why do you have to make us

Promises that you aren’t willing to keep?

Why do you tell us

What we want to hear

And make us melt

Into your hands?

More importantly...

Why do you sneak in and

Entangle yourself into

The fibers of our hearts

And grow into something

That we can’t have?

Love.

Why are you cruel to everyone you meet?

You promise and promise

Things that you know

That you’re not going to keep.

Why do you have to be

The one to hurt us

So deeply?

All of the scars and bruises

That you inflict on us are

Everlasting.

You need to learn some

Self control.

You need to not be such a dick.

The feeling in the beginning

Is amazing.

We open up.

We tell you our

Hopes,

Dreams,

Aspirations,

And secrets.

You learn about us.

You sit there soaking up

Every bit of information

That we tell you.

You find out what our

Absolute last straw is

And you hold onto that.

For later.

You promise that you’ll

Never hurt us.

You promise that you’ll

Love us.

But then...

When we least expect it.

You hand us our last straw.

Our deal breaker.

And then everything is erased.

All of the good.

All of the amazing memories.

All of the smiles.

You hand us this straw

And you expect everything

To go back to the same.

As it was before.

Before the heartache.

Before the times we were happy.

Before the hurt.

You hand us this straw

And hope that we can be friends.

No.

Love.

We can’t be friends.

The feeling of a thousand

Pounds on your chest.

The feeling of

Not being able to breathe.

The not eating.

The depression.

The feeling of

Not being able to

Get out of bed

To do anything.

You think that we

Can easily come back from this?

Be normal again?

Well sir I don’t know who

Put that into your

Sick twisted head of yours

But we don’t come back.

We carry that hurt and pain with us.

The love we knew

Will never be the same.

The feeling of drowning

While you’re walking down the street.

Let’s see how you like it.

We will never be the same.

...

...

...

Until we find someone

That will make us not

Feel like that anymore.

...

...

...

Love.

[honestyme]

Confused

Ok first off why in the world do these things happen? I understand that when this was going on I was younger and what not but I’m just a little bit confused. I have friends from high school that I still talk to. I know shocker. But like come on really?!?!? Why not then? Why now? Why me? Like seriously I understand growing up in high school you’re a little insecure about feelings and confronting them. But I think it would have all been better if you/y’all would either get your shit together grow some balls or ovaries and just tell the person you like how you feel. If you wait until you haven’t seen them for years to tell them how you feel then you may have missed your chance. They might be married and have a family of their own. Stop doing this 10+ years down the line. If you like them tell them. The worst they can say is no. And I know that may be a little hard to hear when you are going through puberty cuz you’re all in your emos and if they do say no then you might be crushed but come on. You might be crushed but sweetheart it’s not going to be the end of the world. If you wait until y’all are grown up then you’ll always be left wondering what if. What if this? What if that? How many this? How many that? Point is shoot your shot now rather then later. Cuz you never know if the feelings will be reciprocated. SHOOT YOUR SHOT!