like, most days I feel empty, stupid, and so fucking annoying because my emotions do whatever they want, you know? and in this society, teenagers, and people in general, have to be 'nonchalant' or icy-cool, like the kind of coolness that doesn't completely erase your soul (because then you'd be boring), but cuts it into pieces and hides the awkard parts. and I'm tired, tired of pretending that being 'shy' and 'quiet' are my default identity traits, because it's not true; they're just glass shells I built so long ago that I forgot how to take them down. And sure, I can be shy, but like the next person is shy, because we're all shy in this world; we know nothing about the universe other than that we're so small it makes us immensely sad and repressed.
i want to know people, talk to them, understand their personalities, their quirks, the good, the bad and the ugly. i want to have a connection with everyone and everything, because i don't think we are all that different from each other, but at the same time we are. and it's just so beautiful, to have a conversation, to listen to someone and to talk to someone. we are the only species in the whole planet that created a language so specific, so poetic, so clear... just to understand each other. like the whole meaning of evolution was to have two strange-looking creatures going back to square one and start asking questions. what are we doing here? why are we able to love? what is love? why when i look at my sister frowning at the table i am so fond of her, of everything she represents, her brown eyes? why do i feel old and young at the same time?
so, yes. i love people, meeting people. when i was a kid i had too many questions, many things to say, and my mother used to say i was born with fourteen years more than i should. and sometimes i think i'm an old soul, but i cry at life like children cry at their ice cream on the floor. every crease of reality presses into my chest in such a profund fashion. it's too much. and i cry at every movie, and i cry when things make sense, but i also cry when they don't, and i'm tired of pretending i am not like that.
this is a human feeling. monster-like human feeling. our ashes under the microscope are like the universe and far beyond. galaxies. once you understand that, you understand everything. i am seventeen years old, and i feel like one life is too much and too little at the same time. i am trying to find myself hoping this is not just a teenager-way of-thinking. does anyone, anywhere, feel the same way about it? can anyone hear me??
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