goodnight and go, my love.
ship ! kim mingyu x jeon wonwoo ( meanie )
genre ! a bit of fluff, heavy angst.
warnings ! health illness, terminal illness, mention of hospital and recovery, implied? major character death.
mingyu and wonwoo found themselves standing amongst the tall trees and pitch black darkness of the night. their eyes are fixated on the sky above them. flushed cheeks, a result of the cold breeze that could only be minimized to a faint blush because of the bonfire, hid behind warm padded jackets as mingyu kissed wonwoo's knuckles. he's always been so affectionate, sweet as every candy shop in the world combined; it took months for wonwoo to get used to it, and even now as they're pushing four years into their relationship, he still can't deny the fact that even the faintest touch of their fingertips makes his head hotter than lava.
their stargazing session is interrupted only for a bit, as wonwoo fills the comfortable silence with what could only be an unneccessary scolding towards mingyu.
« we're supposed to be watching the sky, gyu » he murmurs under his breath, referring to the knuckle kiss the younger boy did. he doesn't look at him, he can't, because he knows there's a flustered expression on his face and mingyu wouldn't let him live for that.
« does that mean i can't touch or kiss you the whole time? » mingyu said, pouting. but wonwoo can clearly hear the smirk on his face; the little brat knows wonwoo doesn't have a reason to stop him from being affectionate other than the reason that it makes him shy. wonwoo's expression remains stoic, but eventually he huffs in defeat.
« hyung? » beams and snuggles up to wonwoo before they go back to looking up at the sky.
wonwoo grunts in response.
wonwoo's chest warms up, and he feels like smiling giddily like a mischievous child as he glances at mingyu as he tried to shrink himself into a size small enough that he could curl into wonwoo's chest. « what's with the sudden confession? »
mingyu hummed. « you need to say it back more often, hyung. »
« you already know i do without me telling you » wonwoo retorted, voice bordering on a whiny tone.
« but i still want to hear you say it more often » mingyu whined back. « do you seriously want me to go through fifty years of my life without being told by my boyfriend that he loves me? »
wonwoo scoffed « just fifty years? you're gonna live longer than that, gyu »
« no, i'm not » mingyu grinned meaningly, « i'm saving up the other fifty years for the next life! »
the older man shifts so his torso is facing his boyfriend, staring at him. he's heard mingyu say a lot of stupid things, but this one definitely topped that list for being the most far-fetched he's ever heard.
« please tell me i didn't just hear that from you. »
« what? why do you think so many people from historical paintings look so similar to celebrities today?» mingyu beamed. « besides, doesn't that sound so cool? »
« the thought that beyond this life is another one, and that there's a chance i'll meet the same people i knew in my previous life » mingyu smiles. « there's a chance i'll meet you again. »
wonwoo stared into his dark eyes, taking in the sight of the hundreds of universes in them.
he thinks about the stupid theory about life that mingyu is talking about and he mentally scoffs. he thinks about the idea of passing away in this life only to be born again and meet him in the next life. he thinks about their potential first encounter, their first conversation. he thinks of their next first dates.
he thinks about the idea of living multiple lives and having to start falling in love with mingyu all over again, and he smiles softly.
« what makes meeting me in other lives so special? » he asks. « you already have me here. »
at that, mingyu takes a few seconds too long to answer, holding back a grin. wonwoo knew that look all too well; when mingyu has something to say that he thinks is so mind-blowing and moving, he'll bite back a grin and hold back from saying it too early. he says there's a 'timing' to saying these kinds of words to get the full effect on whoever would hear it from him. most of the time it's just simple things, though, but wonwoo waits patiently and listens anyway.
finally, he spares wonwoo the impatience and speaks up. « you once said you wanted to be a cat in the next life. » and there's that smug look on his face, as if he'd just found out the cure to cancer.
wonwoo has to take a moment to process what he just said. he remembers the one time he'd said that but as a joke, mostly, and their other friends had laughed because that was so wonwoo.
« well, don't worry! » mingyu said « because i'll find you in the next life and i'll take care of you and cuddle you all the time~ »
it's so nonsensical, and yet mingyu looked so determined and serious about it that wonwoo can't help but want to believe him. « i'll keep you to your word, then. »
mingyu nodded and linked their hands together. wonwoo's gaze softens, and he grips tighter on mingyu's hand.
« hyung, why are you here? »
wonwoo blinks, the call of his name pulling him back to the present. there's a pale hand reaching out to his, and he grips it with both of his hands in a desperate manner.
his eyes trail over to his boyfriend's skinny body that lay on the bed. the pastel blue shirt he wore desperately clung to his prominent collarbones, and he had become so small that everything around his body seemed to swallow him whole.
his heart was deafeningly loud in his ears. whether it was the result of his abrupt sprint earlier, or because of the dread that filled him as his gaze slowly approached higher and higher towards mingyu's face, he didn't know. it beats dangerously faster, so he slowers the travel of his gaze. and it lingers on the hand wrapped around his.
mingyu's words from months before struck him like lightning, echoing like a faint whisper beneath the loud beating of his heart.
« i won't be gone for long, hyung. i'm just off to a business trip of some sort. »
« you don't need to come with me, hyung, i'm not a baby! »
« i'll be back soon. i love you, hyung. »
he choked on a sob. « you lied to me. »
mingyu chuckled weakly « i didn't want you to worry. »
« bullshit. » he sternly retorted, and out of familiar habit, he looked up at mingyu's face. the large gasp of air he took pierced his lungs and, for a moment, as he took in the bare nakedness of mingyu's head and watched the boy look away in humiliation, his heart stopped beating.
two months. he'd been looking for mingyu for two months. by the time the first month with him not having returned from his trip rolled by, wonwoo instantly knew something was wrong. he belatedly found out mingyu didn't even have a scheduled business trip since that time.
he couldn't contact his phone number. mingyu's friends kept pretending they didn't know anything about his absence and when wonwoo overheard about their 'trip' to daegu, he'd believed his gut instincts and followed them.
and the surprise that was waiting for him in his and mingyu's hometown truly caught him off guard.
« you're his partner? » a man in white asked, and the deep frown that settled on his features made wonwoo squirm in his seat. they sat just outside of mingyu's room, giving him time to rest.
« he's been receiving chemotherapy for two months now » the doctor stated abruptly. « it's actually a good thing he finally decided to do it. i've been trying to convince him, but he just won't. »
wonwoo swallowed hard, fiddling with his fingers. he feels too small in his seat, feels too vulnerable and cramped inside that local hospital. he watched various people come and go, nurses walk back and forth in a normalized sense of urgency, notes the almost permanent crinkle on the faces of patients and their families from their stiff frowns. he can feel the doctor's gaze on him. he was suffocating.
« how.. » his breaths came in short puffs. he looked down, letting his hands squeeze through the gap in his thighs, shrinking on himself. « h-how bad is it now? »
there was a long - and exhausting - pause.
« it's gotten worse than last time. he's at the last stage.»
when he came back in mingyu's room, the boy was chatting with the others. the room was filled with enough chatter to make it comparably livelier than the rest of the building. despite that, however, wonwoo quickly noticed the way mingyu's face darkens in a split second before he puts on a smile again. there's an unmistakable grimace he failed to hide in the corners of his smile.
wonwoo cleared his throat loud enough to have everyone in the room glance at him. mingyu beamed at him, and wonwoo softens before he glances back at the other boys and silently tells them to get outside.
the boys exchange glances before they do as he asked. seokmin, soonyoung and seungkwan look at him with guilt; minghao has a tight smile on, patting mingyu's shoulder before following the others; and seungcheol stops short in front of wonwoo, opening his mouth to apologize.
« wonwu, we didn't want to hide it for so long from you- »
« cheol. » wonwoo cut him. « don't you have something to do this afternoon? it's okay, you can leave; gyu needs his rest anyways. »
seungcheol lingers hesitantly with his mouth agape, before he nodded and left the room.
mingyu smiles cheekily as wonwoo approached him. the older man sits on the vacant seat next to mingyu's bed and takes his right hand, his thumb tracing circles over taehyung's knuckles.
« why aren't you telling the guys that you're tired? » he asked him.
« i'm not tired, though. »
wonwoo sent him a deadpan stare, which made him sigh in defeat.
« how could i tell them? they feel so bad for everything. i felt like telling them i need to rest would be making them feel worse » he pouted.
« well, now that it's just the two of us, you will go to sleep. no buts. »
« fine, fine. » mingyu rolled his eyes at wonwoo's sternness and tucked himself under the blankets. he rolled to the side where he was facing the wall, his back turned to wonwoo.
« i'm sorry, by the way.. »
wonwoo stared at his back. he hated that his mind could somehow trick him into seeing no movement from mingyu's body, despite the fact that the boy's shoulders still visibly rose from breathing; he hated that he couldn't always be there to watch the boy's every breath.
« it's alright, gyu.. » he muttered, resting his head next to the boy's back. he closed his eyes and revelled in the soft puffs of air that came from mingyu's lungs.
« i-it's not alright.. i lied to you. »
« hey, now's not the time to be upset over lies or whatever » wonwoo whispered, more to himself than to mingyu. « you know i was going to look for you anyway. »
« still.. you were upset. »
wonwoo felt the bed shift, and he looked up to find that mingyu had turned to him now, their faces centimeters away. « i'm not upset, just.. confused » he said. « i assumed all sorts of things that could've been why you disappeared. »
« are you gonna keep lying to me, too? »
silence fell as response to mingyu's question. he stared into wonwoo's eyes, determined to search for the answer himself. for a moment, wonwoo nearly forgot that they had been talking and not just basking in each other's presence. he missed this. for two months, he had missed the way the rest of the world seemed to melt away and all that mattered was the galaxy that swam in mingyu's eyes, pulling him in and holding him in that warm gaze.
finally, he spoke. « could you blame me? »
mingyu pouted again. « so you were upset. »
mingyu pursed his lips, looking skeptical. « i couldn't stay mad at you forever.. » wonwoo stated. « i was upset about the world. »
« you're always upset about the world » he joked, giggling quietly. wonwoo reached out to poke at the corner of his smile before cupping his cheek.
« i am. but i was more upset today. » he tried to smile, but it ended up falling into a crestfallen expression as he once again took in mingyu's form. how had he turned into this in only such a short time?
« gyu.. » and then the boy's smile fell too. dark shadows loom over his face, exposing the protruding bones and sagging skin and the weak form of the boy that used to be all smiles. wonwoo figures that his despair was painfully obvious, reminding mingyu of the state he was in, of the sick fate life had decided to give to such a bright boy.
and with that thought, while watching the way a dark, defeated expression on mingyu's face, wonwoo teared up; and when he spoke, it had been the most pitiful whisper he had ever heard come out of his lips.
« why did this have to happen to you? »
about half a year had passed and wonwoo felt like he was the one dying.
he quickly moved out of seoul to live in with his parents so that he could visit mingyu in the hospital more easily. he would wake up early in the day to cook for the boy, having heard him whine a while ago about how hospital food sucks and he would do anything to have 'real food' again. mingyu, despite whining about wanting some junk food and not the usual healthy stuff, pretty much inhaled wonwoo's homemade meals, what with having gone two months without the taste of it.
their other friends still felt guilty and kept looking at wonwoo like dejected puppies to the point it felt like they were just deliberately annoying him at this point. finally, after some time, he'd finally said « i forgive you» many times enough to convince the boys that they were okay and all their usual dynamics went back to normal. it all felt like the usual days they spent in their youths, laughing and fooling around, barely even remembering that they were in a hospital most of the time.
but then sometimes, they're excused out of the room. wonwoo would watch through the glass window on the door as they crowd around the boy on the bed. and again, they're all reminded of the truth; behind all of the nostalgia-inducing conversations and the pranks and the laughter, the boy on that bed isn't getting any better. like an illusion that they'd all built in their minds slowly faded away, they become painfully aware of the white walls, the scent of cotton balls and alcohol, the medicines mingyu took after meals and the faint bruises on his body.
« i wanted to talk to you because.. we found out that the cancer cells have spread too much. » the doctor looked down at his feet. « the only thing we can do is give him painkillers and continue his chemio sessions, just so he could at least live the rest of his life painlessly. »
wonwoo became aware of the ticking bomb inside of mingyu.
and that's when he felt like he was the one dying; when he felt like dying in mingyu's stead.
maybe mingyu had felt it too. he felt the gloomy cloud that the others carried around whenever they saw him under treatment and he blamed himself for it. and taehyung always, always went out of his way when he thought he was being a burden.
because one day, he suddenly disappeared.
wonwoo gaped for a few seconds at the empty space on the bed where mingyu used to be, his mind shutting down on him. « i-i'm sorry, i fell asleep » seokmin muttered from behind him; he was supposed to be the one looking after mingyu the night before. « i don't know where he went. i just woke up.. and he was gone. »
he wanted to say it wasn't his fault, but when his mind whirred back to life, nothing else mattered anymore; not even the tupperwares in his hand that contained taehyung's meals for that morning as he immediately dropped it onto the floor. he dashed out of the hospital, ignoring seokmin's voice calling for him.
he didn't even know where he was going, and he repeated that to himself, calling himself stupid over and over in his head as he sprinted. he'd phoned mingyu's home, his parents' home, and any house around their old neighborhood where he could have possibly went. but he got nothing. mingyu hadn't gone anywhere familiar.
his mind kept thinking of anywhere, anywhere that mingyu could've gone to. but it wasn't until he reached a more secluded part of the roads, with the sight of the local beachside becoming more visible as he went down that path, that the last idea popped into his head.
he continued straight down the path until his feet met with sand and gravel. knives dug into his chest every time he heaved. his eyes desperately raked through the place, seeing nothing other than smooth sand and the vast masses of water that reached out to infinity.
wonwoo didn't know whether to sigh in relief or cry as he spotted the boy's familiar form from behind. he was sitting on the sand with hands curled into his lap while his feet were stretched out.
« mingyu! » he called as he ran a short distance towards the boy. « what were you thinking? you had me worried sick »
when he didn't get a response, wonwoo sighed and kneeled down next to him. he reached over to mingyu's lap to seize his wrist. « come on gyu, let's go back.. »
his hand froze, hovering inches above the boy's skin. mingyu's palms were turned upwards, tan skin glistening in gushing red liquid.
wonwoo gasped as his gaze trailed to the glass shard that rested on one of his palms. then to the boy's face, and he felt his stomach drop as he saw it.
mingyu was staring at nothing, looking as if he was feeling nothing. wonwoo's chest clenched at the sight of his tears freely flowing down his cheeks like a dam that broke free from its boundaries; like he had cried a lifetime's worth of tears. he thought he'd felt true sadness whenever wonwok sobbed, but this.. this mingyu, that cried but couldn't make not even the tiniest sound of agony was even worse. he had never seen mingyu in such pain that it would literally break him.
wonwoo cautiously took away the shard of glass from mingyu's hand, then took the boy's frail form into his arms. « s-sorry, gyu » he whispered, feeling hot tears prick his eyes. « hyung is sorry. i wasn't able to watch over you. »
he wrapped his arms tighter and tighter around mingyu but he still felt like he wasn't embracing the boy's body close enough; it felt like mingyu was barely in tune with his own body, detached and lifeless. his tears now stained wonwoo's shirt.
wonwoo was relieved that he was able to find mingyu soon enough, that he hadn't lost him.
but as mingyu breathed almost robotically into the older man's neck and his arms hung at his sides, the older man feared that he had already lost him long ago.
wonwoo froze, feeling more than hearing mingyu breathe the question out. « w-what was that, baby? »
« why.. are you sorry? » mingyu said. « why are you guys always feeling bad, when it's me that's dying? »
wonwoo's eyes widened. so he had heard everything. «gyu.. »
the older man engulfed mingyu tighter, if it was even possible, and he clenched his eyes shut as loud sobs began to wreck the boy's body.
he brought mingyu back to the hospital and had the boy's injuries tended to immediately. by the time mingyu was back in his bed, he finally came back to his senses and apologized for worrying everyone.
« it's a good thing the food didn't spill when i dropped the tupperwares » wonwoo chuckled sheepishly as he presented the food to mingyu. « it's time to eat, gyu »
« i want to get out of here. »
wonwoo paused and glanced up at mingyu, unsure if he'd heard him right.
« i want to get out of here, hyung » mingyu repeated.
« why? » wonwoo didn't know why he wasn't trying to refuse mingyu. maybe he was tired of seeing mingyu like this; worn out and drained of his energy. sometimes, he also wondered if maybe having the boy stuck to his bed like this wouldn't be true to mingyu and the way he lived his life.
the boy sighed and looked to the side. the golden rays of the sun that dripped onto the window pane behind mingyu framed the side of his face. « i just miss being able to walk under the sun, you know? eating and hanging out with you, with everyone. i miss being a normal guy.. » he said. « sure, the food is nice in here and i got pretty close to the staff. but i feel like just seeing the outside world like the sun, the plants, the sky, in this room feels so.. artificial. »
he glanced at wonwoo with hopeful eyes, and once again the older man feels himself fall captive to the swirling masses of stars and the warm honey-like gaze; the same gaze that contained no one else but wonwoo like a precious artifact in a museum, displayed for mingyu to forever appreciate and adore its beauty, despite the fact that wonwoo was nothing more than probably a rotten apple in the trash to the eyes of other people. he'd hold wonwoo in his eyes with such amazement, like he was seeing a successful man in him. he always handled the sudden special treatment with nonchalance; shrugging and rolling his eyes like he wasn't floating on cloud nine when mingyu proudly belts out the songs that wonwoo had self-composed. he became the person he is today mostly because of mingyu, who saw him in such a positive light, passionately listening to his dreams and rising him up to help him reach that goal. if mingyu hadn't given him that hopeful gaze, didn't bat an eyelash or didn't feel like his songs deserved to top the charts, because he always thought that he didn't deserve this much respect and adoration from someone like mingyu, maybe yoongi wouldn't even have a reason to keep going with his otherwise bleak life.
remembering that, wonwoo realized he could never say no to his mingyu.
« can we go out, hyung? »
wonwoo smiled at him. « where should we go first? »
after having permission to release mingyu from the hospital and sharing tearful goodbyes from the staff and their friends, the pair drove off with the camping van that wonwoo had rented. mingyu wasn't sure where to go, so wonwoo decided they would go on a spontaneous road trip.
« i'm so excited! » mingyu cried out as he practically bounced on his seat, but not without being reprimanded by wonwoo, who was firm about no excessive movements on the car and having seatbelts on.
« geez, it's not like i'll fall off my seat or something » the boy scoffed.
wonwoo deadpanned as he buckled mingyu's seatbelt on. « still, be careful or you'll make me regret going on a road trip with you. »
soon enough, the car was driving down the highways with the windows pulled down, due to mingyu's demand to have the wind slapping against his face. expectedly, mingyu started to search for music on the radio and sang along loudly to each song he was familiar with. wonwoo watched the boy act as though he was in a music video with a huge smile on his face.
« come on, hyung, sing with me! » mingyu exclaimed. wonwoo laughed before complying and soon he found himself singing even louder and more passionately than the younger.
they stopped at almost every restaurant they could find, wonwok letting mingyu stay longer at his favorite fast foods since he knew how much the younger boy missed them. sometimes, mingyu would just want to stop at some of the quieter roads with miles upon miles of grassy fields at the side, just so he could either take pictures of the wild flowers or take a rest on the grass and stare at the sky.
eventually, the sun began to set, so wonwoo parked the car near the woods where they could stay for the night. he brought out the folding chairs for the two of them and placed them in the woods where he had set up a bonfire. mingyu excitedly clapped his hands before seating himself next to the fire and putting his hands near it to warm them up.
wonwoo then brought out their food next, and they ate in silence for most of the evening, until mingyu tugged wonwoo somewhere else deep in the woods.
« we're going to get lost. »
« we're not! i memorized the path we took, don't worry» mingyu reassured him, doing nothing to help lessen wonwoo's worry.
after a few minutes, wonwoo found himself standing in front of a small lake in the middle of the forest. the moon shone right above the lake, reflecting its light on the small ripples in the water. trees circled the lake like a wall, hiding its existence from the rest of the world. it was like a secret haven, untouched by any human being and they were the first ones to have discovered it, and he could tell by mingyu's smile that the younger loved the thought of that.
« it's like a pretty little hideout! » mingyu exclaimed, pulling wonwoo down so they sat next to each other in front of the lake. « we can stay here for awhile, right? »
wonwoo sighed « only for awhile. »
mingyu hugged his knees close to his chest and sighed happily. « this is just like back then.. » he said. «the last time we spent the night out. »
« yeah » wonwoo smiled. « remember? you promised me back then, that you would take care of hyung because you knew i wished to be a cat in the next life..»
mingyu nodded. « i thought that way because i figured out » he chuckled. « you know, i realized that sounds really stupid. »
« but i wasn't really serious about my whole talk about us in the next lives or something.»
there was a thick silence in the air as mingyu paused. wonwik didn't know what to say, and before he could collect his thoughts, mingyu spoke up again.
« when i ran away to the beach and.. hurt myself, i thought it was for the best. i thought that if i just disappeared then, since it's going to happen sooner or later, it would be easier for you guys to forget m- »
« don't say that. » wonwoo interrupted him sternly. «we're not letting you go that easily, gyu. you said it yourself, that you would live for at least fifty years before anything happens to you. »
« and i also said that we would be reborn in the next life » he looked at wonwoo with a frown. « just because i said some things doesn't mean life will give it to us. »
there was it again. the look of hopelessness in mingyu's eyes, shadowing the usual brightness in them that wonwoo adored. he feared that he would cry if he kept staring into them, so he reluctantly looked away.
« i think it's better that the world gives us only one life.. » he continued « i think.. i deceived myself too much into thinking that i would have other chances of loving you better. i took this life that i have with you for granted. »
« so does that have to mean you don't deserve to live? because you wanted to spend a thousand lives with me? » wonwoo asked. « i thought that crap was childish, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't want that.. because i do. and i think you deserve to live, gyu. you have so much love to give that it wouldn't be fair to just let you spread that love in this one chance. »
mingyu smiled at him at that, leaning forward to hide his face in wonwoo's chest. « it really isn't fair » he murmured. « i really wanted to go around the world with you, show you the breathtaking places that i promised you. »
he gestured to the lake in front of them and chuckled bitterly. « but it turns out that this is all that i can give you. »
wonwoo thought it was beautiful; their trip so far had been nothing short of perfect. it was everything for him to be able to spend time like this with mingyu again, and he wanted the younger boy to know that.
he'd planned to say his thanks but as he lifted mingyu's face up to glance at it, he saw the moonlight casting over his features and felt like he had literally inhaled his words back to his core. almost half a year still sucked so much out of mingyu; his cheekbones were almost prominent with how thin he was, his skin was a sickly pale color, his hair that the boy loved grooming so much shedded, and his lips are almost always chapped and dry.
still, it didn't take away his natural beauty. and however he looked, wonwoo would always see this man in his arms as the most gorgeous person in the world.
his heart somehow always thought faster than the actual organ that did the thinking whenever he was around mingyu, and he blurted out the first thing it desperately wanted to tell the younger man.
mingyu wore the prettiest flustered expression wonwoo would ever witness on a human.
« i love you so much, baby » he repeated, cupping both sides of mingyu's face. « i don't give a fuck wherever part of the world we are. it's you that matters, gyu. you're my home, and a goddamn mansion or an easy trip to the top of mount everest wouldn't match to the comfort and satisfaction i feel when i'm with you. everything is always perfect when i'm with you. »
a glassy look took over mingyu's face and tears eventually fell down his cheeks as he pulled wonwoo towards his waiting lips. he accepted it with just as much eagerness, desperately clawing at everything he could touch that was part of mingyu; as if he could slip away anytime. the kiss they shared was a messy clash of gurgled sobs and teeth, but none of them minded. they leaned towards each other like magnets, feeling their hearts beating rhythmically against each other.
wonwoo softly shushed mingyu's sobs and wiped his tears away with his thumbs, which was quite a difficult thing to do, as mingyu's tears kept falling to replace the ones that the other boy tried to wipe away. eventually, after a few minutes, his sobs had subsided and he huffed a deep sigh as he snuggled close to wonwoo. the older man kissed the side of mingyu's face while murmuring endless 'i love you' into his ears.
« i love you » wonwoo said for probably the umpteenth time that night. mingyu glanced at him with a pout, and if wonwoo noticed the growing blush on the boy's face, now wasn't the time to say it out loud to embarrass him.
« and i'm going to do it again. i'm not gonna wait to be reincarnated to be able to tell you again » wonwoo smirked.
mingyu chuckled a bit, before his smile began to sag. «hyung, this is probably going to be my last night, huh? »
« last night? of course, we're driving off to a new destination tomorrow- »
« you know what i mean, wonwu »
« you don't have a specific date. it doesn't have to mean this night is the last. »
wonwoo glanced at taehyung to see a look of defeat on his face. he never liked that look on the younger. «go get some rest, gyu » he urged the boy. « you'll need it for tomorrow.»
« but what if i don't wake up- »
« you will wake up. » wonwok cut him off with a stern tone. mingyu looked at him in surprise. « you will. i'll make sure you will. »
« i'll wake you up tomorrow, okay? » he smiled. « and the first thing you'll hear when you wake up is me saying 'i told you so.' »
mingyu smiled back, and wonwoo softly sighed in relief as he saw the anxiety disappear from the boy's face.
« i feel sleepy now.. » he said. « can i sleep on your lap?»
« what makes you think i will? » wonwoo gently pulled mingyu's head to rest on his knees, pecking his lips. « i promise, gyu. »
a look of total calmness and peace took over mingyu's face before his eyes closed shut. wonwoo occasionally held the boy's face in his hand, taking in the moonlight-soaked beauty in front of him. mingyu always looked the most beautiful when he was asleep; his expressions were at peace and seemingly void of any pain. sometimes, wonwoo couldn't help but wonder if mingyu was in a world completely opposite of the one they were living in when he was asleep, a world with no tears and hurt.
when he thinks that way, he gets the strongest desire for mingyu to have the best slumber he could get, so he could spend more time in that safe little space in his dreams.
so he cursed himself when he had the urge to keep mingyu awake for the rest of the night.
he felt so selfish for wanting to see mingyu's eyes opened wide.
because though he didn't say it out loud, he'd also worried that once mingyu closed his eyes that night, they would never open again, and that night would be the last night wonwoo would ever stare into them.
wonwoo loved the thought of mingyu forever in a safe, painless little world, but not the thought that mingyu would have to leave him all alone in the ugly world.
he really did think it was childish to somehow have a little bit of belief in reincarnation. it was a fantasy that should've ended long ago when you were a kid. and yet here wonwoo was, listening to the tiny voice in his head that asked« but what if? » as he admired mingyu's sleeping form, he wished that whatever entity above would grant him at least one more life to live with the boy. he never believed that any supernatural entity existed, but for mingyu, he was ready to beg any and all gods. even for just one day — of only him and mingyu and endless laughter; with no pain and fear of an impending tragedy — he would swallow his pride and go down on his knees.
he whispered into the cold air of the night all of his wishes; that if this really was the last night, he hoped to be able to meet mingyu and fall in love with him all over again in the next life. so even if he lacked at some things in this life, let the next life serve as his chance to improve himself. if he hadn't told mingyu enough that he loves him, then he'd spend the next life breathing the words like it was his lifeline. if he hadn't held mingyu's hands all the time, or if they didn't go on enough dates, then he'd forever be grateful to make up for it in another life— because it meant that mingyu would be there with him, and he wouldn't go to sleep with the worry of not waking up the next day anymore.
and if fate didn't want to give him that, wonwoo wished, with a little more hope and belief that it was more possible than the mere childish dream of being reborn, that, at the very least, mingyu would wake up tomorrow.
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