holy shit it’s been a while. Freshly turned 2025. 27 in a few weeks. Still have the days feeling absolutely gutted. The boys don’t matter. The worst one you finally are rid of. The teenage heartbreak you’re great friends with. And the most recent wasn’t such a bother - funny how normal you feel when you’ve moved past something months ago. Things get better. But they also don’t, that’s funny.
The feelings of worthlessness and despair are still there. This time it’s not driven by a boy but instead yourself? Myself? My future sad self will read this, not sure how to address you. Either way it’s still true from many years ago, so many great things are/have happened but yet the self hatred is so high. I have no idea why. I’m not sure why I feel so worthless. I don’t know why I feel so unworthy of love, care, respect, attention, hell any adjective you want to use - put it there!
I would turn to drugs or heavy drinking - but I’m so anxious sober I can’t imagine the scaries I’d have afterwards. Not even scaries more like terrifying night mare. No clue how to numb them - humor does an alright job at masking but I am so weak it doesn’t take long to crack. Wish I could just be numb I literally would be fine doing that anything has to be better than feeling like this. today is just a hard day not sure why. I’d give anything to slice myself up and feel the hot twinge - it’s quite grounding.
I’ll move past this feeling of despair and ride a nice high for a while. I’ll look myself in the mirror tomorrow and say I was overreacting. I need to relax! Things aren’t as bad I am making things seem! But yet here I am, feeling the feels. I hope the next time I check in to this black hole of a pity party, I will actually love myself.
