﹙ *☆ ┆ 𝒇𝒕. 𝐠𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐨𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐰𝐞𝐭𝐭.
happy anniversary, my love.
my dearest daisy. one year ago today, january 4th 1977. that will always be one of my favourite dates, i think. i know. would it be cliche to say that when you said yes, you made me the happiest man alive? i’m always a cliche when it comes to you. it’s a good thing nothing else matters when i’m with you, or else i might be inclined to feel embarrassed.
i don’t know what to say. how to write. i wasn’t good with words before, and i’m no better now. i have so much i think i need to say, so much that is eating at what is left of me. but i need to say something, because moving on as if this date is nothing would be impossible. you mean so much more to me than i think you’ll ever know, and you deserve to be told the truth.
and maybe that’s what i’m trying to say. that you deserve the entire world, and more. i always thought you were too good for me, did you know that? did i tell you that enough? did i tell you enough that the moment you agreed to go out with me, you were it, you were my priority and my focus and soon enough i came to realise that you might just be the love of my life. then again, i’m just 17 18, what do i know about love? all i know is that i love you like i’ve never loved anyone before. and that means you’ll always be special to me, because i know i’ll never love anyone else the same. that’s what’s so special about love, you see. it’s unique. no love is ever the same. i like to think ours is pretty damned special, though.
i don’t remember much these last few months, daisy. and i’m not writing to you to explain my sob story. but i want you to know that in one way or another, you kept me grounded in reality when i thought i was dead. because i knew that you were real, that we were real. that no matter where i was, you were still there, somewhere, even if i wasn’t there with you. i can’t even properly express what that feeling was like — the feeling of you, everywhere, when all i felt was pain.
but that’s the thing. all i felt was pain. for four months. and i think that it’s changed me more than anyone ever expected it to. more than maybe it should’ve. i’ve been broken down to someone you wouldn’t recognise. and maybe that’s part of the reason i haven’t come to see you — i’m afraid of who you’ll see when you look at me. because it’s not me anymore. you will always be the daisy i fell in love with, but i will never again be the gideon you fell for. my bed feels empty without you in it, but my love for you was never about me. it’s always about you. and i can’t do that to you. i can’t pretend that it’s the same, and i’m afraid of who i am to you now. i’m afraid you won’t want me. i’m afraid of who i am.
this isn’t a break up, not really. because i think the real ‘break up’ happened back on august 4th, when i stopped existing as the boy i once was. i love you, daisy. i will always love you, in some way. but you can’t love me anymore — and that’s okay.
i hope this isn’t goodbye. i’m just not ready yet.
gideon didn’t have to draft any letters before he wrote this one. he didn’t often write, but when he did, he just wrote. there was no such thing as a first draft or a second draft, there was just the letter. and it was imperfect, of course it was, but it was real — and daisy hookum deserved real. he hadn’t even waited to write it, either ( it was written only a week after he was returned to his doorstep ) but he waited to deliver it. he needed the timing to be right, that stupid romantic heart of his. no matter how broken he was, he understood the importance of things that were once everything to him. and january 4th was once the only date that mattered. even back in july, only seven months into their relationship, gideon had been thinking about this exact date, about what he would do to commemorate the year that they had spent together. i’m so glad you took a chance on me, he would say, floating candles surrounding their little space, just the two of them. i love you. and i can’t wait for another year.
there was never a time where gideon was going to let this date pass without notice. as soon as he’d been grounded, realised how soon that date really was, he’d begun writing. he couldn’t bear to see her, but he couldn’t bear to ignore her. and he hoped beyond all reason that he had explained that, enough, that she understood why he’d been avoiding her for this long. how he wished that he could just go running back into her arms, to collapse and allow her to ground him like she did even when she wasn’t there, but that was selfish. and gideon might’ve changed a lot, but he would always put others before himself — especially her.
he didn’t want an owl to deliver it, though. or even a friend. that felt impersonal, it felt wrong. perhaps it was a stupid idea, but he wanted to leave it on her pillow himself, he wanted to press a kiss against where her head had been, to take a moment to envelope himself in her scent. it was definitely a stupid, love-blind idea, but it was one he insisted on. as he walked quietly through the castle, the rest of the students and staff well into their dinner feast ( he hadn’t eaten much since his return, so he didn’t feel as if he were missing out ), his heart seemed to race, the idea of being so close to where she had been so intoxicating. whispering the password to the ravenclaw portrait, which he had acquired through the pity of a sixth year, gideon stepped inside, inhaling a deep breath and charging forward — directly into daisy herself.
his heart stopped. everything stopped. his eyes immediately locked onto hers, mouth forming a small ‘o’, refusing to release the breath he had just drawn in. it was really her. she looked as beautiful as ever. her eyes had him locked, unable to move as if she were a siren and he was her pirate. the letter hung stupidly from his hands, brushing delicately on her coat. they were so close. he didn’t know what to say, how to breathe. he was frozen. ❛ daisy, ❜ he whispered, her name like honey on his tongue. ❛ hi. ❜
she hadn’t forgotten the date, not even for a minute. it had hung all-too-present in her mind as the days crept forward and gideon was still missing. and then, when he’d returned, christmas eve, she’d actually started looking forward to it. of course, it wouldn’t be an anniversary like either of them had pictured, but at least he would be here. at least he would be alive.
daisy knew she should’ve gone to find him a long time ago, as soon as she’d heard of his return, really, but a crowd of excuses and doubts had stayed her feet. she should give him his space. she didn’t know what she would say. and the worst of all, even though she knew it wasn’t true – what if he didn’t want her there ? she’d spent so much time hoping he would be found, and now that it had happened, she didn’t know what to do.
but today she wasn’t going to let her doubts and worries stop her. gideon deserved more than that, especially today. so when everyone else headed to dinner ( an event gideon had been conspicuously absent from ) she was a woman on a mission. she’d search the entire castle to find him if she had to.
as it turned out, she didn’t have to.
as soon as she saw him, an overwhelming rush of relief swept over her, so powerful her knees threatened to give way. her doubts, so daunting before, were now nothing more than a wisp of cloud in the back of her mind. how silly she was, to think any of them would matter. he said her name, and some tectonic puzzle piece clicked back into place. her world shifted. she could breathe again. she hadn’t realized how much she’d missed him. her best friend was here, and he was standing in front of her, and they were going to be okay. they were going to be okay.
❛ — gideon, ❜ she breathed, and then her feet were carrying her forward and she was throwing her arms around him, burying her face into his shoulder, inhaling his scent, and, if daisy had anything to say about it, never letting him go again. ❛ — hi. ❜
