Pregnant after three years of infertility due to PCOS & Endometriosis Due October 2017 Please do not reblog my personal posts (My primary tumblr is healthyontheinside.tumblr.com)
Those who have followed me here or over on my main blog know that when I go silent, there’s usually a reason for that. The last time I went quiet on here was when I was pregnant in July 2016 – the silence was only broken late that same month, when I miscarried at 7 weeks.
I haven’t posted since February 17th, at which point I was feeling quite dejected at the prospect of yet another failed round of ovulation induction. I pretty much had it set in my mind that we would move on to IVF within the month. The news on February 18th was therefore not what I was expecting, because the news was that I was in fact pregnant.
And today, I’m so pleased to finally be able to tell you that the silence this time is in fact cause for celebration, because I am still pregnant – 12.5 weeks to be exact!!!
No words can express how happy and excited we are to be pregnant after three years of infertility.
The first few weeks were quite nerve wracking – with every blood test I’d worry that my HCG had not risen enough, but every test confirmed that my body was supportive of this pregnancy. My HCG and progesterone were, according to the clinic nurse, “lovely pregnancy levels”. I had the littlest bit of spotting at around the 6 week mark, and to this day I still check the toilet paper for anything ominous. But I stopped having bloodwork at 6W3D, and since then I’ve felt a lot less stressed. We had an ultrasound at 7 weeks, where we saw the lil ones’ heartbeat for the very first time – my reaction, “there’s something in there!!!”, was in marked contrast to the ultrasound I had during my last pregnancy, when there was quite literally nothing in there. We then had our first appointment with our obgyn at 9 weeks, and the baby was still in there, still growing, heart still beating.
Since seeing and hearing the baby’s heartbeat, I feel that I have relaxed into being pregnant… accepted that I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise. I don’t think there’ll ever be nothing to worry about – all the screening tests, not to mention the birth itself, gives me cause for anxiety. But hubby has a very calming influence on me and we’ll just take it one hurdle at a time.
Telling my family first was really important to me, but given our previous loss I didn’t want to tell them too soon. Not because I didn’t want to have them share in our journey, but because I didn’t want to get their hopes up. We passed the 12 week mark this week so have now told our families - the news is officially out! The only person who knew prior to now is my sister – and only because, coincidentally enough, she is also pregnant and just a few weeks ahead of me! It’s been great having secret conversations with her as we navigate early pregnancy and I’m so excited that we’ll have children so close in age.
As for how the pregnancy has been going, I feel relatively lucky with my symptoms so far. I haven’t had any morning sickness, just the occasional bit of nausea, but that stopped at about 9 weeks. Metal mouth, breast pain, pelvic pressure and frequent urination have all been tolerable. My eating habits have changed a lot – contrary to my usual low-carb PCOS-friendly routine, I’ve been craving all the pasta and bread! But so far my weight is stable, so I figure my body is getting what it needs. The main thing that has impacted me is the tiredness – come 2pm I hit a wall of tiredness, so getting through the work day has been tough. I’m hoping that as I move into the second trimester the tiredness will subside for a while. But overall it’s a price I’m happy to pay a million times and I feel so grateful to be in this position, tiredness and all.
I’m not sure what this blog will be for me now – it was always a place to process my feelings on infertility, and to date I just haven’t felt the same need to document my thoughts on pregnancy. I’ll probably post the occasional update on my main blog, @healthyontheinside, but given I’m not planning to share my child’s life on social media, I figure that maybe having achieved pregnancy represents a natural end to this space for now.
I’m so grateful to all the support I have received on here from so many wonderful people. I know hearing the news of another’s pregnancy in the midst of your own infertility can be upsetting, and I truly hope that this hasn’t been triggering to any of you. All I can say is that it took us a long time, but we got there in the end - I truly believe that most of us do.
We had an appointment with our fertility doc this week.
Including the cycle we’re currently on, we’ve now done 7 Ovulation Induction cycles. We’ve had one pregnancy, from the fourth cycle, but that obviously wasn’t successful.
He’s happy for us to continue with Ovulation Induction for one or two more cycles, however beyond that, his recommendation is that we move on to IVF.
I found myself feeling quite emotional afterwards. IVF is this big scary thing to me. I remember hearing about is as a child and thinking it was crazy to mess with mother nature like that. When we embarked on this journey almost three years ago, I never thought we would have to deal with it. And yet, here we are. I’m not sure why I’m so hesitant to go on with IVF. The cost is certainly a concern – to pay $10K for a 30-40% chance of getting pregnant, when others get it for free, even by accident… it’s a bitter pill to swallow.
I think my biggest hesitation comes from a place of deep-rooted fear of what this may or may not mean for our future. I’m afraid that IVF won’t work. I’m afraid we’ll spend all our savings, we’ll dig into our superannuation, and it’ll all be for nothing. I’m (very) afraid of OHSS. I’m afraid of what happens after IVF. Because there is nothing - IVF is the end of the line. I’m afraid of how our relationship will cope, how what our life will hold for us if having our own kids is no longer an option.
But that’s all in the future. That’s the worst that could happen. The best that could happen is that this is what gets us our baby – what gets us our family.
So unless we get lucky soon, come April we’ll be moving on to IVF.
I wish I could travel in time, into the future, to a point where I could see what was in store for me. I wish that I knew, with absolute certainty, that this would all be worth it one day...
And even if this is all a waste of time, I’d still want to know. If I can’t have kids, I’d rather just know and start to deal with that - start to build a new life around the desolation of infertility.
But I don’t know. I never will know. All I can do is continue to blindly stumble forward, hoping the light eventually penetrates my blindfold.
For me, the not knowing is the most torturous part of infertility.
Had I not miscarried, I would have now been 7 months pregnant…
I don’t think about it much anymore, but sometimes a rush of grief still takes hold of me. A pregnant colleague was just telling me about her scan, telling me about how they saw the head and fingers and toes, she was so excited. I nodded and smiled… then after the conversation was over, I went outside and cried.
I was pregnant. My baby would have fingers and toes. I should be talking about my babies fingers and toes, but I never got to…
Haven't updated much this cycle - I got my hopes up last cycle, overthinking things, and was heavily disappointed as a result, so this cycle I just wanted to take a step back.
So far the best thing about this cycle has been that my trigger shot / ovulation coincided with New Years Eve! How funny would it be if we got pregnant from this cycle and were lumped in with all the accidental New Years babies - I can imagine the jokes already…
But I wouldn't mind, cos hey, I’d be pregnant!
Weirdly, I’m currently bleeding a bit. I’ve been on treatment for thrush since CD16 (clearly we gave it all we had this cycle!), but the thrush medication (cream) is super mild and ok’d by my clinic so I doubt that’s what is causing it. In the back of my mind I know it could be implantation bleeding, but I’m not going to get my hopes up.
Christmas etc has been a great distraction so far this cycle, so hopefully I can keep my mind occupied with non-baby thoughts until testing day.
I feel like there are a lot of pregnant women around lately. It feels suffocating sometimes…hubby takes my hand when he can tell I’m distracted by it, by their fertility and my lack thereof…it helps enormously when he does that.
So, in an effort to manage my emotions and practice self care, I’ve come up with some rules to get me through Christmas:-
1. Put on a pretty dress. Do my hair and make up. Love myself, love the fact that I have managed to take care of myself and lose 10kgs while getting through this shit of a year.
2. No cuddling the new babies in the family. It’ll hurt me too much.
3. No talk of infertility. Or the miscarriage. Or PCOS. Or endometriosis. Or the surgery. None of it. That is my story to own, to tell only if and when I want to. And at Christmas it’ll just make me sad to talk about it. So I won’t.
4. Drink alcohol. Not too much, but just enough. I’m not pregnant, so I may as well get merry!!!
5. Be grateful. I may not have a child, but I have an amazing husband and family. I am loved. I am (relatively) healthy. I am strong and resilient and intelligent. I am more than my infertility.
What about you - what are your infertility “rules” for surviving the holiday period?
I think the moment after testing Negative, but before my next cycle starts, is the worst. It could be hours, it could be days, but no matter how long, it feels like I'm stuck in limbo, wasting time. And then, with a twinge in my uterus, the waiting is over. A new cycle commences - a fresh chance to right the wrongs of all the past cycles, dozens of cycles, that have done me wrong. CD1 has arrived, and, as always, I'm ready to try again.
