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now hold on just one minute

#what #in #tarnation

my flatmates and I have an interesting dynamic

#have #a #nice #day

You can trust your dog.

It won't fuck the mailman because it felt neglected lately.

#puppy

..a horny teenage girlfriend with nice tits?

#horny #teenage #girlfriend #nice #tits

Hopefully, one day, after years of hard work and getting a penis reduction surgery, I will become the #1 male comedian in the world so that people born in the same country as me can proudly brag about my achievements like they had something to do with them.

#really #just #a #dick #joke

#it #is #true

If this show makes it to a second season because you tuned in to watch it, I hope--and I'm being 100% honest, I would never joke about this--you get savagely raped and murdered and as your devastated mother kisses you one last time at your funeral she gets the herpes.

#herpes

Freedom can be accurately measured by the amount of bumper stickers per capita in your country.

#I #get #political #when #I have #nothing #better #to #write

Like and subscribe if you also think these seductive silver screen stars should have a baby together

#eye #contact #impossible

#made #a #meme #or #whatever

you know when the sun's coming up and everyone's passed out and you've been trying to jerk off for the last 2 hours but you have coke dick and that's not going to happen and suddenly you hear faint techno somewhere nearby

#let's #go #boys

King of the jungle, more like queen of the jungle, am I right guys *awkwardly raises hand for high five, lions just stare at me because they have no concept of humour and subsequently maul me to death*

#gay #lions #pride

What if sex doll manufacturers are having such a hard time creating realistic enough fuck dolls that some women decided to meet them halfway

#sex #doll

The comedy scene was a little different back in the day, if you didn't get laughs the audience would savagely torture you until you died.

#comedy #scene

started crying after I dropped my evening snack (I'm fat)

#fat

What if you were the greatest bodybuilder that has ever lived but also cripplingly shy

#bodybuilder #shy

Many of the Wright brothers earlier designs sadly could not generate enough lift to become airborne.

#multi #midget #drive

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get off the stage