panic disorder @horrorchiens-blog - Tumblr Blog

and i miss you

#everything is so hard without you by my side.#i wish you'd come back to me.

i fucking hate dogs.

i had a dream about karkat. just for tagging him in a post.

#i've been doing ok.#karkat-wise.#by which i mean i've been distracted by all the other things i'm not doing ok with.#so that's been nice.#no need to bring this back.

i’m so sorry i should have done something

im sorry

you complain about your mind being too full always, and yet you feel like you’re dying with no constant stream of input.

i am so lost.

all this time i’ve been striving for, what, for normalcy? when i should have known that... when i, of all people, should have known that normalcy is not what’s waiting for me out here. for me, or for any of us.

an apartment. college. fucking therapy. who the hell do i think i am, who do i think i could be? this has been a completely futile attempt to force my life into something it never was, not even before sburb. it’s pathetic.

i will always be part monster.

i know this.

maybe there is no point in trying to suppress it.

maybe i know this now, too.

where

do i go from here?

i have been kidding myself.

i want to curl up and i want to cry and to sob but i have no eyes, not even a nose. i also want to find this funny but i’m not quite there.

i dont want to be seen i dont want to be with anyone like this but if i get too upset im afraid of what will happen with jade

what if what if what if

turn me back turn me back turn me back turn me back turn me back i;ll be good i’M sorry why do i always end up monstrous i just

all i want is to be normal why does it keep happening

why always me please turn me back idon’t want this

you work and work and work on yourself and all along you've known that it'd all be for nothing in the long run.

other people not seeing me as a monster? improbable.

#you just don't know me well enough yet!#me being too shitfuck dumb to accept genuine compliments? it happens.

why did it have to turn out like that, though? is it really so hard to just let us have fun sometimes? after everything we’ve been through?

#shut Up god.#we're not going to fucking rule anything anyway.#keep your power fantasies where i can't see them.

just go. it’s dave. you’re not gonna mess up with dave. he won’t hate you.

come on.

it’s dave.

#why do i have to psych myself up to see my best friend.#shut up john.

i smoke too much and i’m unsure what it does to my immortal body.

#i'm probably imagining things.#i do smoke too much though.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

panic disorder