[horsespattismith]

it’s over again like how it usually goes and i hate you again like i usually do. i’m not choosing between you and me because you shouldn’t have even been a choice in the first place and because not one time have i ever been one to you. i can’t even look at you but you’re all i think about. you’re not even there consciously anymore. if im in line at mcdonald’s ordering a happy meal you’re there with me in my head. i know this because i feel a certain way when i think about you (sick to my stomach) and ive felt like throwing up for years. you make me the most miserable girl on this side of the mississippi and i hate you.

[horsespattismith]

will it feel like thunder when the long drive’s over?

[horsespattismith]

i’m alright with the fact that i hit my jackpot as young as i did . it is weird that this sort of thing would happen to me though . god must have a plan for me greater than im aware of if he decided to give me this and especially so soon in life . did he think it was funny ? or is this part of something bigger - the working towards it could be the thing that’s important . i need to do better . i need to act better - get the whole thing together and wrap it up with a bow to be her perfection . however - would this be possible if i wasn’t the person i am ? would things be the way they are if i didn’t have to suffer more than jesus himself to keep myself alive and to keep myself talking . the only one i want to talk to - the only one who knows me bare - the only one who could change the color of my walls and rip up my floorboards and mow my lawn and switch out my light fixtures for something a little nicer .

i love you i love you i love you