hot-cajun-mess

Almost 30. I am a fully-functioning adult (married, two dogs, I'm an attorney). I just happen to have a lifelong eating disorder that keeps trying to kill me. I'm fine; but I'm not happy.

[hot-cajun-mess]

Life Update

I haven't been posting. Tumblr got kind of triggering (not that I follow triggering blogs, but you know how it is when you are struggling). Life also got triggering. I was obviously struggling back in November. Restriction increased, work got busy, and it all kind of fell apart. Now I am not in what I would call a super awesome place. My therapist is still pissing me off every week and this week I actually took the step of texting today to indicate I "may have a work conflict" tonight. So I can have the option to not go. I can't handle any more "stop acting like a child and just eat" lectures. It makes me angry. It drives my depression. It makes me unable to eat. My RD is desperately trying to help me. I am desperately trying to let her help me. But nothing is working at the moment and I am terrified. We are just stuck where she is telling me I need a HLOC and my response is only how I am confused as to why everyone is obsessed with my weight when I am trying and trying and not giving up and then getting penalized because I did not succeed 100% every single day (and therefore not maintaining my weight). Why is no one focusing on the days I try, slip up, and keep trying, even though those days are reflected on the scale the same as when I just don't try? (Okay she is recognizing my effort but I know her and my therapist are still having the HLOC discussion without me.) My depression is not constantly bad, but when it's bad it is knocking me out. My anxiety is spiking with physical manifestations. (my psychiatrist did give me a ton of Xanax to help with the chest pains and shortness of breath) I cannot really deny where my health is although I don't think my eating disorder is as bad as everyone is telling me it is. I have basically no immune system. The lack of immune system being demonstrated by my recent skin rash that I ignored (and that any normal person would not have caught in the first place) and scratched until I ended up with a pretty bad infection. The infection apparently ate all my calories for a few weeks and caused a significant-ish drop in weight. I didn't know that was going on. And I really did think the rash was a combo of work stress and wearing wool tights with the heater blasting in my office. I just don't know what to do anymore. My husband asks about my weight all the time (and eating dinner) but I haven't told him I am being told I need a HLOC. I can't quit my job and go get full time treatment. My RD tried explaining that my insurance company will need to have information regarding my weight etc etc for coverage and I keep trying to stop that conversation because HLOC = no job = no insurance. And no insurance is the least of my problems. I have a house note and $3k of student loans each month that cannot be paid for with my husband's income alone. Like this isn't any easier because I am an adult. This is harder because I have actual real life responsibilities. I just wish someone could give me the support I need, whatever that support is. I don't have anyone to talk to (still angry with my therapist but I am not really in a place where I can be changing my treatment team). I don't even tell her about the suicidal ideation/thoughts that have gotten bad. Or how I don't think I deserve to get better and I think that's why I keep relapsing. I recently went through all my notebooks of notes from therapist, nutritional counseling, feelings journals, etc, and the past year and a half have just been the same cycle over and over again. I am just almost to the point where I will hit whatever my new bottom will be and then get better for a while and then relapse again. I just think there will be an intervention before I hit the point where I start getting better. So that's my long rant about what has been going on with me. Christmas was stressful with in-laws and their drama and that fueled ED behaviors. I did not get what I wanted for Christmas (ie to to wake up without an eating disorder or really anything else which is a whole other ordeal--when did "gift cards to lowes for house projects" turn into useless serving platters I don't need/want). I did successfully manage a huge financial closing (over $50m) involving multiple parties and lenders pretty much on my own while in the middle of this relapse (it was a huge project and yes I manipulated restriction and my blood sugar to pull multiple 14+ hour days in a row). Oh and I painted my living room over New Years. It is no longer warm/yellow/light color but the darkest navy available. It goes well with the white mantle and the white base of the stairs. Dark paint is a whole other painting technique I learned (along with when it is necessary to use primer). I have some messages. I will respond when I get a chance. When work gets busy (like at the end of he year), I tend to stay off tumblr regardless of my struggling because it distracts from my already-strained attention span.

[hot-cajun-mess]

We watched American Horror Story last night. Now I have insomnia related to my fear of waking up with my face mutilated. Maybe I should show that scene to my psychiatrist next week when I ask for even more/stronger sleeping pills.

[hot-cajun-mess]

My RD told me to try expanding my snacks beyond kind bars (of which I only eat three flavors)…amazon was a little expensive for buying a 15-count box when some of their flavors are not good…so I bought 2 of each possibly edible flavor directly from the manufacturer.

[edcynic-deactivated20150419]

A lot of people get depression and sadness mixed up, which is bullshit. I’m sick of people coming up to me and saying they’re depressed when they’re not, they’re sad. There’s a fucking huge difference. You can be sad for two weeks but it doesn’t mean you’re depressed. Depression is more medical. I was clinically depressed, I wasn’t sad.

Daniel Johns of Silverchair (via edcynic)

Omg. My therapist and her "you really can't be depressed if you don't feel sadness" tirade.

Talk about invalidating everything I had just disclosed to her.

I am pretty sure I know I am depressed and I am pretty sure the anger, hopelessness, self-loathing, suicidal ideation, and self harm urges are proof. And the eating disorder.

Although, I am not the expert I guess.

[hot-cajun-mess]

Me. Everyday. All day.

[hot-cajun-mess]

I had a real shitty therapy session last night. Like the kind that, rather than picking up on the serious topic we left off on last week, starts with "so you tell me what you want to talk about today." When my mind was blank and it was 50 minutes into a 60 minute session when I got to what I needed to talk about because I can't just jump into that topic. And I really needed to talk about that serious stuff because despite what my therapist says, I am really not better emotionally (how is being in denial of the ED better than accepting the ED but having really bad depression and suicidal ideation?). I had a really shitty day at work. Like there are two people running the closing, I am just checking documents and scanning because that is all I was needed for, which was perfectly fine. Except that one attorney flipped out because I was scanning stuff the other attorney asked me to do. Like I don't mind scanning docs, but I do mind getting two opposing sets of instructions and then getting screamed at for trying to follow both. Also, I just found out that the clerk "lost" something I filed in court earlier this month. Despite being told last week that the judge had the pleading and was reviewing it. I was like someone has my fucking pleading because I don't have my original. Which makes me look like a bad attorney. But how many times am I supposed to call and question a court employee who can make my life super miserable if she wanted to? And I have been struggling with eating. And I tried talking to my therapist about it but she wasn't helpful at all. But my RD knows (I am still stuck checking in daily because its like detention for nutrition counseling) and I have not gotten a "what is going on" response. I kind of want someone to ask what is wrong, even if I say I am fine. Like everyone thinks I am getting all better all of a sudden and I am not and I don't know how to show that. So now I am convinced she is going to tell me she can't treat me anymore because I am struggling. No one believes that I am legitimately struggling and that I feel really shitty about myself and that I am not trying to be difficult on purpose. It ironic that when I look back through my notes from therapy and RD sessions I used to always write (and say) "please don't talk about how sick I am because I am really fine and not that sick." Now that thought that THIS is me all better makes me wish I had never sought out help and that no one every said "you have an eating disorder and what you are doing is really self destructive." I guess that was the point at the time. I was told that all the feelings get worse before they get better. I really hope better means "go away" because going from severe suicidal ideation to moderate suicidal ideation is not an improvement when you still wake up everyday wishing you had not. So yeah that was probably really depressing. How is this my life?

[tastefullyoffensive]

[amrbasshead17]

[hot-cajun-mess]

Replace dad with husband and this is my life.

Until I just bought two of everything.

[novub]

shout out to people with abusive mothers who have to deal with the world acting like every single mother’s love is so expansive and unconditional and tender when that is the opposite of what we experienced

[embracingwild]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS

[hot-cajun-mess]

Note to my therapist.

[hot-cajun-mess]

Okay I feel slightly better because my RD was not like wtf you are crazy I can't treat you. She was okay with the long email I sent about how my depression etc is so bad that it has become a more immediate concern than my ED. We didn't discuss that part of it today, but she does want me to talk about it next week. Which is why I only feel slightly better, not more better. And she wants to know why dinner is an issue. It's really hard to explain marital stress to someone who doesn't get it. Like how you can love someone yet still be so angry with them at the moment that you can't eat even though you have an ED and have to eat. (There needs to be an actually tag to cover the ED, the adult part, and the married part. Just saying.)

[hot-cajun-mess]

Not posting because I am not doing super awesome. Every time I get a handle on the actual eating, I have to work more on progressing with the thoughts/behaviors part and then the severe depression comes. It's a vicious cycle. It feeds itself. I just can't catch a break from the war raging in my head. And I think my therapist wants to dump me onto someone else or get my psychiatrist to hospitalize me since I am refusing anti-depressants as I have a history of having tried them all with no success. Which is absurd and an over reaction on her part. So I am just assuming my RD is going to try and do the same later this week. I sent a long email outlining how my therapy work is affecting my ED work and how it's all fucked up in my head and I am trying hard to work with and be honest with everyone and I just can't talk about the depression with her because its hard enough in regular therapy and I feel ED behaviors are keeping me from SH behaviors right now. And having a husband who doesn't get it, doesn't know how to be supportive, and continuously takes his frustration out by saying hurtful things (regardless of whether there is an intent to be hurtful) doesn't help. I feel like shit and a horrible person and I feel like that feeling is constantly being reinforced. Why didn't I say how bad I felt in therapy two years ago? I was terrified of how I felt and was a little distracted by the ED and I am trying so hard to be honest now and hoping that saying what I feel will make it less powerful. Why can't you just talk about what you are eating and tell me how I can help? Because every time I talk about specifics with food I am judged and told I am eating the wrong things when those are the only things I am able to eat and I don't know what support I need but I know what I have now isn't working. Give me ideas of where you think I need support because every instinct I have is telling me to run as far away from nutritional counseling as possible (and then quit eating). Why don't you want to every do anything or go anywhere and you are the reason we don't do anything because you are always sick and hate everything and everyone and are the reason we don't have friends. (That conversation just happened). We don't do anything because of your debilitating social anxiety, you can't even talk to employees at stores without panicking--so I have to take care of every fucking thing and I generally don't mind. If I am that bad of a person, no one would blame you for leaving me. I am miserable, I am sick, and I honestly don't blame you for hating me for ruining your life. (All the things I have in my head that I want to scream at everyone but I probably won't.)

[hot-cajun-mess]

Shake it off and then stretch it out with this video

To all the taylorswift out there, who did the video better?  (it helps if you watch the actual original 1980s video) 

I do enjoy the Taylor Swift video, but this cheered me up.

[hot-cajun-mess]

I saw a post the other day about lapsing and getting over recovery hurdles and it said "keeping secrets keeps us sick." That has been the theme of my treatment all week. I spent so much energy trying to let go of some of the worse parts of what I have been (not) dealing with in therapy since my therapist has pushed me with threatening termination because I can't do any work. Now my RD is pushing to talk about why I don't want to eat. I say I don't know, but I really just want to tell her "all the things I said in therapy Monday are the answer to that question." I don't 100% trust her yet and I really cannot do this twice a week. She can't help me without knowing what else I am dealing with, but I don't want to have to tell her because its hard enough talking about it in therapy and she isn't always reading between the lines when I say I don't want to be sick anymore (and leaving off that I don't care if that means I die or get better, whatever comes first). So now I have the rest of my work day (plus all the work I missed by having to leave and go to the RD) all while not thinking about any of that. And why does she keep telling me to call when the ED thoughts are bad so I can process them with her? When they are bad, the last thing they will let me do (next to eating) is tell someone at that time. But that is part of "keeping secrets keeps us sick." At least I was honest that I was engaging in ED behaviors more than my daily checkins let on and that I get frustrated with trying to be accurate without misleading my progress but also not creating alarm that I am struggling. Keeping in mind I called my therapist last week when I was in a bad place and did not feel 100% safe and she basically told me that I may need more intense therapy with another therapist and that I needed to find a way to cope. (Rather than reassuring me that I will eventually feel better.) I wish there was a balance between reaching our for support/being honest with how I feel and not disappointing anyone.

[hot-cajun-mess]

Me in therapy tonight. When asked to place my feelings on a scale of 1-10, with 10 feeling awesome about myself. I don't like scales. I was like, is 1 more of a "down in the dumps" bad or "I want to kill myself" bad? And, as I reassured my therapist one last time that I was probably not going to actually act on my feelings "don't worry, I will likely take it out in the form of engaging in ED behaviors--it's a lesser of two evils thing and way easier." #copingwithexcessivepositivity

[hot-cajun-mess]

Probably a TW for SI and SH thoughts

So I decided that instead of waiting for all the suicidal ideation and depression, driven of course by the ED thoughts and vice versa, to pass, that I would text my therapist to talk. She called later on and I told her that I didn't feel safe for a bit during the day, but I was fine then, and that I was afraid that if I got another wave of urges that I would take it out by engaging in the ED behaviors (as opposed to trying to hurt myself) and I have been so disappointed with the way I have been unable to get back on schedule with eating that I am worried if I slip up even more that I will just give up. I was trying to express concern, be proactive, and try to ask for help or support before I got another wave of feelings, instead of not saying anything for weeks and then casually mentioning it at the end of a therapy session in a month. I am really trying to deal with the suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts because I don't think they are relevant to now and are just rebound problems I didn't deal with last year and that if I deal with what happened when I got sick with the ED this time then I can let the ED go for now (I have accepted that it will always be there in the background in one way or another). Although I do recognize I have a lot of work to do as I first had these types of thoughts when I was like 12. The phone call turned into a "you may need more intense therapy," "you need to think about whether this is working for you," "you need to talk about what you don't want to talk about," (even though I was like no and that has nothing to do with what I need to deal with now) and "you need to tell your psychiatrist about these thoughts because I am sure he will make you take anti-depressants" (even though I refuse anti-depressants because they make me go from passive suicidal ideation to actually suicidal--that fact I did tell my psychiatrist and he agreed that if I was managing adequately then we can revisit ADs each visit and reevaluate). But how am I supposed to tell a psychiatrist I see for 5 min a month about this? I told her that she was the only person who I trusted to tell. And when she asked about my husband I was like his response was you need to work and get better so just do it and make sure you eat too. So I don't want to even go there with him anymore. I am trying so hard to trust my therapist and get all these thoughts out in the open so hopefully that makes them not as strong in my head because someone else knows, but I cannot help but feel like I am just too much and too difficult for my therapist. She said she knows all the reasons I will give for not wanting to see anyone else, but seriously don't start that when I am in the middle of trying to tell you the one thing I haven't been saying for the past two years I have been in therapy (and didnt say for the two years I was in therapy with you 12 years ago). I am finally ready to talk about this (and I think she knows I feel like this and was just waiting for me to talk about it when I was ready) and I feel like I am getting pushed back. Part of the reason I feel like I need to talk about it now is because I am starting to remember stuff from a year and a half ago when I was really engaged in the ED and I know what it was blocking out feeling-wise and I am starting to see how close I was to hurting myself and that is actually kind of scary and what I need to process without it being a problem that it is just now coming up. I had blocked a lot of it out. I also apparently blocked out how I felt about my grandmother's death and what happened when she suddenly got sick. And I am not dealing with that well on my own. So yeah, fun weekend ahead of me. My game plan is to just eat all my planned meals and ignore/disassociate from any thoughts. And pray to God that it works.

[hot-cajun-mess]

Trying to sort out in my head whether this will pass/can wait till Monday or if this is a "call the therapist and get an appt this evening" issue. I can't have another bad weekend with eating and these are the thoughts that make me not eat.

[hot-cajun-mess]

Fuck my "general anxiety disorder" has just reached a new level. I always know what causes my anxiety. Now it's just so general I am pacing and borderline panic attack without knowing the reason. Without knowing the reason I can't use any of my coping skills.

[hot-cajun-mess]

Ugh so therapy has taken an interesting turn. I have not said something in therapy. It's irrelevant since my ed predates this and I actually don't have a super clear memory of it. I have other, larger, unrelated issues. However it randomly came up with my RD I was like don't say a word, and she did and I am trying my hardest to not be super angry with her, and now my therapist is obsessed with getting this out of me. I basically was like what else do you want from me, childhood, my mother issues, food behaviors my RD has been desperately trying to get from me? (Although when I told my therapist about some food behaviors she was basically like really why do you do that? Seriously, that reaction is why I don't talk about it with my RD.) And while I usually ignore the fact that my therapist and RD are rarely on the same page, my therapist left the country for three weeks, left my RD in charge of me (since I apparently need someone "just in case"), and now my RD called and left a message saying "we need a game plan for xyz." My therapist tells me this, but acts like I know what xyz is (she just said "game plan") and said it was my responsibility to come up with this. I just said okay and instead of wtf are you talking about. Maybe my RD wants me to find another one. Or I am just back to the same place I was earlier this year. I feel like sorting out treatment distracts from my treatment. And just makes my ed scream out even louder for me to give in because I feel like I am not getting any attention. Not that I have the need to be the center of attention, but I am kind of paying for attention to be paid to me in the form of treatment. It's likes I put both of them in charge after my last relapse, and now everyone thinks someone else is in charge. I hope I find a way to sort this out that doesn't involve a relapse/tantrum like this summer. Great, now I cannot sleep and it's too late to Xanax/klonopin/lunesta it up. (No, my psychiatrist does not give me all that to take at once--he specifically said "please, God, don't keep taking all three just pick two at a time." That's just my emergency insomnia cure that only works when I have 10 hours to sleep. I have to be at work in 7 hours. Because I am waiting for another jackass attorney in different time zone to finally return my call. Which seems to sum up my job at the moment.)