This is my personal opinion as a trans man.
I don't believe genital preferences are always transphobic.
I know some cis gay men who have been forced into sex with cis women, and as a result, they associate vulvas with intense trauma. You can't just turn trauma off.
And I've known some cis men who are attracted to me, but they're not into what's below my belt. It's just the way they feel. They don't actually need to have trauma to justify the attraction just not being there.
There's a big difference between saying, "I'm not attracted to that body part", and saying, "I'm not attracted to you because you're actually a woman".
After some time cruising in gay communities, I know the difference between those two sentiments. One is being human, the other is being a complete fuckhead. I don't think conflating these two categories leads to much productive (or respectful) community discourse.
I think there's a way to assert ourselves as men, while also recognising that sex is a very personal, emotional thing, and a person's boundaries can exist for all kinds of reasons. Not all those reasons are about us.
I've hooked up with cis gay men who, when enlightened about the diverse ways trans men can have sex, started to reconsider some stuff. And those were awesome experiences. But if those men had needed to say, "I'm sorry, I'm still not feeling this", I wouldn't have held that against them.
This is just my perspective. I think sex is about respecting people's bodies, people's experiences, and the complex reasons someone may want to be intimate in some ways... and not in others. Cis gay men go through horrendous things, as they are forced into straight relationships with cis women, and while I'm completely separate from that as a trans man, there's no getting past the reality that my non-op genitals may bring back past trauma.
A partner can fully believe that I am a man, but if his brain is making connections he can't control, he shouldn't be expected to push past that association.
Trans gay men belong in gay communities. But I don't belong in every cis gay man's bed because, well, we're just not a good match. And I don't feel entitled to make any person work past their trauma to have sex with me. Maybe someday we could have a beautiful encounter which would be mutually comfortable, but right now, perhaps it would be distressing. And I recognise that it's nothing personal.
Transphobia is rife in gay spaces, I recognise that. And I know that not all cis dudes are polite. I just think that, if a cis gay man says no, it's not universally true that he is saying no because he's transphobic scum. I think we can tackle transphobia while acknowledging complexity, trauma, and personal history.
I think posts which generalise about all genital preferences being transphobic are... maybe unhelpful, in the long run?
While there are a lot of transphobic preferences out there that go hand-in-hand with gross harassment via Grindr, and exclusionary politics, that's not all of it.
Not everyone has to agree. But please engage politely, if you do reblog this <3
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