House Of Oblivion ♐ @houseofoblivion - Tumblr Blog

why I have to love people just for life to show me how I'll never be enough for them

#if im never gonna be loved just dont make me love people #is THAT simple #and if i'm supposed to fell unhappy for the rest of my fucking life #just free me of the guild of killing myself #seriously #i dont need a tragedy or an accident #just no guilt #simple and clean #and it can finally be over

still alive still waiting for the moment that i’ll wake up feeling so so bad that i’ll finally convince me to kill myself

#its taking too long honestly

basically now my days consist in: go to college and while i wait for the train to come i’ll think that if i’m lucky enough today is the day that a fucking crazy person will come from nowhere and just push me on the train line.

#all i need is a little push #literally #just a little incentive #yes i'm still alive #and yes i still hate every single minute that im conscious #time just stopped #one day i'll blink and i'll have spent like 5 years like this #already 1/5 i guess #almost 2

just saw aftersun and...it’s like it gave me the answer I already knew I had that there’s really nothing I can do about it and I’m just watching people’s lives go on

#wish i had the courage to give my movie an end also

i guess one of the worst parts is feeling this constant chestpain and difficulty to breathe as I’m about to die but

i just. don’t. die.

#so as if being alive wasnt bad enough #I have to live with the feeling that I'm about to have a seizure.#every now and then #today after work i was just useless in bed trying to breathe right for 2h #seriously who was the fucking person that exploded in hapiness last year #'cause definitelly it wasnt me #shes fucking dead and gone #and im a fucking living corpse #by last year i mean 2021 #look at us time keeps passing in this hell

honestly at this point my parents are the only reason why I haven’t swallowed 5 boxes of sleeping pills or something like that. I could never do this to them.

but I really don’t want to stay here anymore.

#im trapped in this torture forever

this week i realised that my birthday is next month and the last thing I want to is to celebrate that I’m still alive.

plus when november starts I’ll celebrate one hole fucking year in what at this point I guess I can self diagnose as depression. not making any moves to get help though, just wishing everything could end.

#nothing makes me happy anymore #but i still wouldn't try to kill myself #and i can't stop thinking thats last year I was the happiest that I've ever felt #so it's just hell all the time #how for the first time I couldn't wait to wake up and live the day #and how for the first time I not only accepted the idea of a long life and getting old but was also excited for it to come #time passes and close people expect me to get better #but for me time isn't passing at all #and maybe I'll loose all my friends #'cause honestly I guess if I was dead I would be less abscent

still waking up every fuking single day

staying alive is so hard and it’s not even worth it

#random shit #delete later #im still not trying anything against my existence #but honestly i wish i had the courage to do it

i can’t get used to being alone again and i’m afraid to feel this way to the end of my days

#wish i'd sleep forever #random shit #delete later

im hating weekends more and more and can’t wait for them to end and it’s monday again and I barely have time to go to the bathroom and I finally can replace depression with exhaustion

#apparently i'm trying to die of a burnout #rather than deciding to try to kill myself #well at least i'm alive #i guess #random shit #delete later

i guess this is the first time that i get very fucked up in my head for a very long period of time but still am so calm about it...like i got used to it finally ‘cause it always comes back again and i don’t trust any happy moment at this point. a while a go it seemed that i was starting to get better but nope. not at all.

guess i’m never getting back to normal (i used to be more sociable, talkative and stuff) but still im okay wth it? i guess

i miss drawing for myself, i could vent about this without writing, or just writing in my drawings

#realising that months are almost becoming a year #maybe it's possible to live like this after all #i guess is a bad life #but #is the one that i have now #random shit #delete later

once again reading my old “depressive episodes” entries and getting to the conclusion that this will go on forever and the only way to be really at peace is dying

#random shit #delete later #im so goddamn fucking tired #i wont try anything dont worry #just tired