finally dropping this epic steddieathan fanfiction! so i had an idea of this parallel universe where jonathan stayed living with lonnie. it's long as fuck, but i hope y'all get fun times out of it.
TW: we will be getting into a few dark themes. nothing graphic, but proceed with caution if you get triggered easily.
notes: no AI used/english isn't my first language
CHAPTER 1 – Fuck Everyone Especially You
Hawkins, Indiana - September 15th 1984
I didn't want to get up. Didn't want to face the outside world, nor the man in the mirror staring back with those dull eyes. How I hated looking at that pathetic image every single morning, knowing I won't ever do something about it. I didn't want to get up and I wasn't going to.
"Jonathan, I won't repeat myself!" Lonnie yelled from what was supposed to resemble a kitchen. Maybe under all that garbage and half-finished plates of food that he never bothered to put away. And neither did I. "Get your lazy ungrateful ass to the car! Now!"
The bed let out a pained noise as I rolled out. The mattress was hanging on by a literal string, but the idea of replacing it never even crossed my mind. Not like we could afford it anyway. Dragging my feet across the floor I slipped on some shoes and grabbed the nearest hoodie, hoping it was mine. The bottom of my sneakers was so thin and worn out I could feel every crack and fracture in the floorboards on the path to the front door.
"Fucking finally," Lonnie sighed. He was leaning against the counter, the finished cigarette in his hand still emitting faint smoke. It curled around him in an interesting yet unpredictable pattern. One that was quickly broken the moment he moved.
His hand collided with the back of my neck and pushed me towards the front door. He wasn't even using his full force, this was just some strange power move he liked to pull. It pissed me off more than anything, but calling him out on it wasn't the best idea.
I stumbled outside, barely managing to grab my bag from the hanger, before the sturdy hand moved to my back. I always hated that feeling, it sent chills down my spine.
The raindrops danced across the window, each eventually sliding down and disappearing from my field of view. I'd still bet on which would be the first to fall even if it was incredibly childish. And it was way more fun when I still had someone to argue with when his droplet didn't win the race.
"How many times have I told you to be ready by seven?" Lonnie hissed from behind the wheel. I could feel his eyes staring at me through the rearview mirror. I didn't even have to look to know the exact expression on his face. "Do you even know how much I pay for your goddamn education?"
I supressed the urge to roll my eyes. It was the same conversation every morning. I almost found it impressive how this man could still be bothered by it.
"I told you I can just drop out," I muttered. The dropplet I bet on lost, causing me to let out a disgruntled sigh.
Lonnie turned in his seat to glare back at me. He probably didn't care about the safety hazard in that. And maybe if he crashed the car, it would be for the better.
"How do you plan on finding a job, huh? Or what, you're just gonna make money by taking stupid little pictures?" he continued. "Because let me tell you, boy, you're not living in my house till you're 40."
I knew damn well. He's been reminding me for the past six years. And I knew that in exactly a year and one month he was gonna kick me out of his "house" with nothing but the few things I owned.
He didn't have to tell me twice. I was already pulling on the handle and dragging my backpack onto the wet pavement. Before I could even fully close the door shut, the wheels turned agressivly and skitted over a puddle.
I watched the car disappear in the distance and wanted to scream. Curse out his entire bloodline and throw my books in his direction, I haven't looked into them once anyway. But I didn't. It wouldn't achieve anything. So I pulled out my walkman and shut out the outside world.
It was the only thing I inherited after my mother. Well, appart from her eyes. Lonnie always talked about how I resembled her when he was drunk. It grossed me out, but I learned to live with it.
Joyce gifted me the walkman a year ago on my sweet 16. She always said it was to make me happier since teenagers loved music. But I always thought she did it to piss off Lonnie. If that really was her case, it certainly worked.
Walking down the hall, water dripped from my bangs. My hoodie was soaked as well, but so were the clothes of many other students that had to walk to school in the morning. Teenagers were scattered across the hallways, some talking, some smoking, a few freshmen looking for their classes. I could faintly hear their unnerved voices when they passed by.
I stopped by my locker. The chorus of Straight to Hell just began playing when I felt a body slam into the locker next to mine.
It was Gareth. We met back in freshman year during detention. I got in for attendence issues and he annoyed me until I was willing to talk to him. That never really changed.
I turned my head to look at him. He was talking, pretty rapidly with hand gestures and everything, either not realising or not caring that I didn't hear a word he said. I pulled off my headphones.
"–and that was really stupid of him, y'know what I mean?" He stayed staring at me and I could see the anticipation in his big eyes.
That seemed like a good enough responce for Gareth when he changed the topic.
"What are you doing after school, Nathan? My parents are out of town so the garage will be empty. Eddie said we could squeeze in some band practice."
I stuffed some more books into my backpack and closed the locker. The metal sound as the door shut caused my face to scrunch up.
"Maybe," I shrugged. It's not that I didn't want to go, I'd go anywhere if it meant not being home. I just wasn't sure if I'd survive that long. "What's your first class?"
Gareth winced. "Math. I didn't learn shit."
"Too bad," I forced out a scoff at his misery and pushed past. "See you at lunch, dude."
By the time school ended the rain seemed to have calmed down. Water still dripped from trees and roofs absently, but the sun finally dared to peek out from behind the heavy clouds.
Standing at the sidelines of the parking lot I noticed Jeff's van at the other end. He himself was nowhere to be found, but Eddie was standing next to Gareth, smoking a cigarette. They were most likely waiting for Jeff to give them the keys.
I thought about Gareth's offer and suddenly going home seemed like the last thing on my list. I pulled a hoodie over my head and took a step in their direction when I voice rang from behind me.
I was met face to face with Nancy Wheeler.
"Oh, it is you," she smiled and shifted the books in her arms. "I'm on the way to your- um... Will's house to pick up Mike. Thought maybe you'd like to tag along?"
I gave her a slow blink as if the possibility of her talking to me was ridiculous. It wouldn't have been a few years back. We actually used to be pretty close.
With our brothers being so-called best friends, me and Nance were forced to hang out back in the day. I can't speak on her behalf, but I really grew to enjoy her company. She became my only friend after the divorce and would often encourage me to spend the nights at her place just so I wouldn't have to stay with Lonnie.
Then one day the invites stopped. And I never bothered to ask.
I glanced back towards the guys. Jeff was already with them, fighting with Gareth over the van keys, laughing loud enough for me to hear them.
"Yea, sure. I don't mind."
Just looking at the house made me nauseous. It shouldn't, but I couldn't control how I felt. Sometimes I wonder if things would've been different had I stayed with Joyce.
The door let out a squeek as I held it open for Nancy. She brushed past me with a friendly nod, tugging a strand of stray hair behind her ear. I was too scared to follow her and stayed stuck by the threshold for way too long. I knew what I signed up for when I agreed to come with her. Somehow I thought this time it would be different.
With my breath held and gaze stabbed into the ground I shuffled after her, entering the living room.
"–and Dustin was the only one who got an A. But I got a B and Mr. Clarke said that's also a good grade."
"That's nice, you did well," Nancy giggled, but Will didn't respond anymore. He fell silent and so did everyone else in that room. I could feel multiple pairs of eyes on me and the urge to just turn around and leave has never been stronger.
Will just stared at me for a while. I could tell what he was thinking. How could this mess of a guy be related to me? I didn't blame him. At this point I was pretty much a stranger.
He returned my forced smile and offered a weak wave. The moment my heartbeat calmed down I got a larger view of the room. Mike sat on the carpet next to my brother, and Nancy was still gazing at me with that empathetic look you give to kicked puppies. The arm around her shoulders belonged to Harrington.
He on the other hand looked like he just saw a ghost. It's not like he's never seen me before. He probably just never realised I existed. What business did he have being here anyway?
"Where's Joyce?" I turned back to Nance.
"Work. Steve offered to drive to kids from school," she rubbed his knee.
I didn't know how I felt about Harrington babysitting my brother. Then again that was my job. And I was failing miserably at it.
I stopped showing up within the first year after moving out. Will could have been seven by then. He probably didn't even remember most of our shared memories. Or worse, thought I abandoned him. God, I was just like my father.
Taking a shaky yet quiet breath I tried to steady myself. I didn't need Harrington of all people to know how mentally unstable I was. He already thought I was a massive loser, whispering to Nancy while looking straight into my soul.
I should have stuck around to catch up with Will, talk about school and girls or whatever 13-year-olds talk about these days. Maybe wait for Joyce and spend some time with my own mother.
However I didn't. Will showed no interest in hanging out and I wasn't about to force him. There were different people, ones that actually wanted to talk to me.
"Way to show up, man!" Gareth threw his arms up when I appeared by the garage door.
The guys were already packing up the equipment and the drumset hasn't even been set up. It laid in the corner, collecting dust. Judging from the annoyed look on Gareth's face, I apparently decided to come at the very end.
"Nathan, my favorite!" Eddie spread out his hands. "I thought you were dead. Where have you been?"
His strong arm landed over my shoulders, and from the way his cologne mixed with sweat I could tell it was a very intense practice. I didn't really mind though. He was the only person I let within two mile radius. And he was certainly abusing that privilege.
"I wish," I snorted and pushed him away. "Family bullshit."
"Touché," Jeff glanced at me with a hint of empathy before returning to packing his guitar. They all had the general picture of my home situation, yet him and Gareth didn't even know half of it.
"Sucks to be you," Eddie patted my shoulder again. "Uuh, Jeff, you mind giving me a ride?"
Gareth scrunched up his face and placed his instrument next to the drums. "Can't do. He's staying over at my place. You can join us if you wanna."
"Fucker," Eddie let go of me to playfully punch Jeff's chest. The guitar pick hanging around his neck dangled with the movement. "Sorry, boys. Wayne's gonna kill me if I don't show up again."
"It's fine, I'll walk with you," I offered. I was already headed in the same direction, there was no reason for me not to tag along with Ed.
This informafion seemed to be the best news he recieved today. We exchanged some totally not awkward goodbyes, Gareth cracked a your mom joke, and we got on our way.
The morning rain resulted in a foggy weather and strong wind that was certainly not making the journey any easier. At least it was pretty. With the right angle.
"Man, the streets are looking artsy today, huh?" Eddie read my mind. "You should totally snap some pictures. Top tier portfolio material."
I kicked a pebble. It rolled to the side of the road and landed in a very sad puddle of rainwater. "I don't know, man. I haven't been feeling like much of an artist lately."
And I haven't for a very long time. The whole process that came along with photography stopped being fun the moment it became exhausting. What was even the point of all that if I was never going to college anyway?
I could hear Eddie take a breath and sigh. "Is everything decent with Lonnie?"
He already knew not to ask if things were "okay". They weren't, and we both were aware.
He removed his hand from the pocket of his jacket to put it around me again. And quite frankly I was glad he did. I got so used to Eddie having his hands all over me, it felt weird when he didn't.
"You can stay over if you wanna. I'm sure Wayne wouldn't give a shit," Eddie squeezed my shoulder.
It practically became a routine. Anytime Lonnie was too drunk, or we got into a fight, I'd just travel across the street to Munson's trailer and stay there for a night or two. Half the clothes in my closet were probably his and vice versa. I'd even go as far to claim that in the two years of knowing each other I spent more time in his bed than my own. Of course our friendship annoyed Lonnie more than anything, but he couldn't do much about it when I was off his property.
The rest of the walk carried in a calmer tone. Eddie's hand never left my shoulder and eventually he started talking about the band practice and a new D&D campaign he was working on. I honestly zoned out halfway through, just enjoying how soft his voice sounded in the deafening silence of the night.
Hawkins, Idiana - September 22nd 1984
Sometimes I think about girls. What would it be like to date one? Would she really listen to me complain about anything and everything and then still decide to stay? Nancy didn't. Then again we never dated. Sometimes I think about boys too.
The bell rang. I tore my eyes away from Nancy's back and focused on packing my stuff at the speed of light. I tend to zone out which can result in me staring at someone for an uncomfortable amount of time. I swear I'm not doing it on purpose.
With Death or Glory playing in my headphones I headed out of the class. My steps led straight to the bathroom. I didn't like spending lunch breaks in the cafeteria, too many people in one place. And as much as amazing as Eddie was, he was the expert in attracting unwanted attention.
Unlike the hallways, it was quiet in here. The world behind the door became a muffled mix of voices I didn't recognize and buzz of light. I nodded my head to the rhythm as the water ran cold. The feeling when it made contant with my skin was soothing in a way I couldn't quite explain.
I jerked away from the source of my name only to notice Harrington standing a few feet away from me. With the water still running and my song playing I pulled off the headphones. My gaze traveled to the now empty stall, then back to his face.
"You're in class with Nancy, right?"
I nodded. The angelic voice of Joe Strummer still played faintly between us when Harrington decided to speak again.
"Cool. Uh... would you mind doing me a favor?"
Way to start a conversation. In my head he was probably just going to ask about weed. Everybody knew Eddie sold. However I got mine for free. Friend dicount or whatever.
"I kind of need help with some math. Super basic level stuff, I swear," Harrington shifted on his feet.
At this point it was clear to me that my calm lunch break was not happening. If I knew one thing about King Steve it was how entitled he was. Best case scenario he was going to annoy me until I gave in.
Rolling my eyes I pushed open the bathroom door and blended back into the crowd. I didn't expect him to give up, but I still had hope.
"C'mon, man," he winced and followed. "Please, I need to graduate."
Concerned, yet willing to ignore the fact he didn't wash his hands after clearly taking a shit, I glanced over my shoulder.
"Why don't you ask Nance?"
After all, she was the academic genius. Another reason cause of which I didn't understand why she chose to date such a dumbass.
"Duh, she was the first person I went to. She's busy."
I entered the busy cafeteria with Harrington still at my tail. Thankfully, everyone was engaged in their own conversations, and I began looking for my table.
"Please?" Harrington grabbed my arm. Not agressivly really, just kind of held me in place and I was forced to catch a glimpse of his wannabe puppy expression.
"Ask me tomorrow. I've got plans."
I didn't agree because I was such a good person and wanted to help him out. I just didn't wish to be touched anymore and this was the only way to get him off my back.
Walking off I could hear him yelling something about "being the best", but at that point the guys already spotted me. And rightfully stole my full dedicated attention.
"Made yourself a new friend?" Gareth teased.
I threw my bag onto the table. It almost hit Jeff's tray and landed between their tiny D&D figurines. Judging from the spreadsheets scattered in front of Eddie, they were probably being incredibly nerdy.
"Am I a joke to you?" I snorted and sat down. "Nah. His Majesty needs a tutor."
Eddie looked up from his notes. This was probably the first and last time I saw him study something so intensively. Or at all.
"Isn't he, like, a senior?"
Rhetorical question. They were in the same class.
"A stupid one," I sighed.
"Too bad. You're busy today, Nathan," Jeff smiled from across the table. "Weekly band practice, remember?"
"That's what I told him," I shrugged, stabbing Eddie's untouched food with a fork, feeling like it was still alive. I understood why he didn't eat it.
I was known for skipping band time, and I already ditched last week. By the looks of it the guys would kill me if I didn't show up again.
Slayer played on the radio. Eddie's pick of course. If it was up to me I'd probably put in my The Clash mixtape. Maybe next time. The music pulsed through the vehicle and I sat in the back with my legs streached over Ed's lap. Fresh air swayed in through the open window and the wind kept messing up my hair. It wasn't in a good state to begin with.
"Hey, Jeff," I reluctantly straightened up. Eddie winced when I removed my limbs. "Would you mind stopping by my place for a sec? I gotta collect my drumsticks."
I didn't really want to go there. The less time I spent in that hellhole the better, but I couldn't really perform without my equipment. I promised myself it would be a quick stop.
Jeff's van abruptly took a turn to the trailer park and my blood ran cold. For the first time ever I hoped that Lonnie was drinking out at the bar. However, my prayers were not answered. His car was parked in the usual spot.
Eddie must have noticed how my shoulders got stiff. It was something even I didn't realise until he called me out on it. He was always better at picking up social clues than I was.
His hand squeezed my knee. "Do you want me to go with you?" he whispered.
The offer was tempting. Of course I'd rather face a monster with a knight by my side than alone. But I knew it would only make things worse in the longrun.
Shaking my head I opened the door and approached the house. The outside wind seemed cold, but the interior of Lonnie's trailer was colder. I couldn't see nor hear him anywhere. But that dread of the unknown was the worst part.
I sprinted to my room, searching cabinets and piles of clothes to find what I came for as fast as possible. Every second spent in that space made me more nauseous. Then my hand collided with a wooden item at the bottom of one drawer.
Grabbing my drumsticks I spun around and my breath hitched my throath. The devil himself was standing mere inches from my face. I could smell the faint scent of alcohol on his breath, yet it wasn't any stronger than normal.
His voice sounded like scraping metal. It was quiet, but paired with the way he kept staring into my eyes it always scared the shit out of me. It wrapped around the room like rotten vines, and paralyzed me every single time.
Lonnie slammed his fist against the table. "I asked you something, goddamn it!"
I learned not to jerk back anymore, but the way my breath trembled gave away the fear within.
"Band practice," I whispered and my grip around the drumsticks tightened. My gaze stayed stabbed in the floor, focusing on the way the wood cracked instead of him. Still, in my peripheral vision I saw Lonnie shake his head with a disgusted grin.
"You know how I feel about those pussies you hang out with, right? Especially the neighbor's kid. His kind should get fucking mass murdered or something."
I always talked big game around the guys. About how fucking stupid Lonnie was and how I'd drown him in his sleep if I could.
At times like these I couldn't bring myself to talk back. I was scared.
The van door wasn't even fully shut, yet the guys were already staring at me with concern in their eyes. Jeff exchanged a look with Gareth, in which I'm pretty sure they managed to have a full blown conversation, before he questioned me from behind the wheel.
That's all I managed to mutter out. My mouth was still dry and I was certain my throath was tighter than is healthy. Everyone in that van noticed how my leg bounced up and down, but they didn't ask about it anymore. They wouldn't get a proper answer anyway.
The vehicle finally moved. I didn't dare to glance out the window until I was absolutely sure we were no longer in the trailer park. Even the thought of accidentaly catching a glimpse of my father through a rearview mirror made me want to throw up.
Eddie's hand carefully reached out. His warm knuckles brushed against the side of my face and I didn't pull away. Didn't lean in either, I wasn't ready for a debrief yet. Still Eddie did what he does best and moved to stroke my hair. The feeling of his fingers tangled up in my locks was soothing enough for the moment. But I would have to let out my feelings on the drums sooner or later.
CHAPTER 2 – Fuck Everyone Including You
Hawkins, Indiana – October 1st 1984
"So you basically multiply these two."
"Seriously? I thought it was subtraction," Harrington leaned over the paper, scratching his head with a pencil.
"Nah, that's the step after that."
We were sitting at the Starcourt Mall's Scoops Ahoy. Stupid fucking name for an ice cream place if you ask me. Or any place in that matter. Nothing should be named Scoops Ahoy.
I haven't forgotten about my promise, and even if I did, Harrington kept reminding me daily. Guess he really needed that diploma. His original plan was to come over to my place, but we all know how that would go. His house was out of the question as well. Some snobby fancy rich people meeting his mother was hosting. Quite frankly I didn't want to be around those people.
Harrington ordered a milkshake that he finished within the first five minutes. It was too cold outside for an ice cream. I couldn't afford either.
"Like that?" he tilted the notes towards me, pointing at his new-found result. A straw from his now non-existing milkshake lingered between his full lips. He's been chewing on it for way too long, and I couldn't decide if it was annoying or weirdly attractive.
"Yeah. Good job," I sighed, which caused him to punch the air, whispering a proud "fuck yea" beneath his breath. I honestly couldn't help but scoff. I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth, but Steve could be pretty nice if he wanted to. He hasn't called me a fucking weirdo once since we got here. Perhaps he was thinking it, but that I'll never know.
"Thanks, man," he leaned back in his chair once again. "I seriously don't know how to repay you. You totally just saved my ass."
I could have asked for the damn moon at that point. At the same time I didn't want to feel like some sort of charity.
I stood up with my chair squeeking loudly in protest. Pulling the move of disappearing before things got awkward never got old, so I was about to whip it out once more. Harrington understood math, and the local mall just ripped us off for $1.50. My job here was done.
"Whatever, man. It's not a big deal."
Harrington's eyes widened ever so slightly. He scrambled to quickly pack all of his stuff and school supplies and stumbled out of the door after me.
"Well- well, let me at least give you a ride."
Very tempting. Walking across town in this weather at this hour didn't exactly look like a dream. The possiblity of getting stabbed somewhere in a dark alley was higher than ever. Then again, I was willing to risk to. I didn't need King Steve to know I lived where I lived. I knew how much shit Eddie got for being from those parts.
"You sure? Don't wanna make Nancy jealous, y'know," I grinned. That was the first time I attempted a joke around this guy.
Harrington ran a hand through his hair, which naturally only made it look better. Not fair.
"We... broke up actually," he admitted slowly. "It's a long story."
I wasn't that bummed about it. I always thought he was a little too immature for Wheeler. And with a face like that I was certain Harrington would find a new babe in less than two days.
The cold air blew my hood off as I glanced towards his car. Shiny as ever of course. The thought of a warm interior and a radio looked so promising right now, even if it went against my previous concerns.
My indecisivness was quickly resolved the moment my gaze wandered to the other side of the parking lot.
"You know what, I actually need to sort something out real quick," I studdered, backing away from Harrington. For some reason I couldn't bring my eyes to look away from my point of destination. "Thanks anyway, see you 'round."
I could hear him mumble out some weak and confused goodbye but all of it got drowned out by my own heartbeat. I shouldn't have been so nervous. Most people wouldn't be.
I should have gone with Harrington. I was aware the moment I stepped a foot into that car, but there was no going back anymore. I didn't know why I approached her in the first place.
Joyce's radio was broken. It has been ever since I could remember. Will used to always complain on the way to kindergarten because he couldn't listen to my music. I wonder if it still bothers him.
"How's school?" she glanced at me with a generic question.
Joyce probably didn't know what to talk about. She didn't know me at all. All she knew was the version of me before I became this shell.
There was so much I wanted to say. Cry and beg her to let me live with them. Tell her how I miss my brother and how terrible her ex-husband is. I'd gladly drop out of school and find a job if it meant living in a normal house again.
The words got stuck in my chest. Joyce was already struggling with money, she couldn't afford to house another kid. I couldn't put that burden on her. After all, that's exactly what got us into this situation in the first place.
She reached out her hand to shortly pat my head.
"Your birthday's coming up," Joyce hummed again. A kind smile remained on her face. She knew damn well what's going on with Lonnie, she's gone through the same thing. Yet there was nothing she could do about it.
I felt my eyes begin to water.
"I... don't have a gift for you, sweetie, I'm sorry," with both of her hands on the wheel again she sighed. "Maybe next year, okay?"
I clenched my teeth. "It's alright." I didn't give a shit about the gift. Last year's present was the only thing Joyce gave me since I was 10. What bothered me more was the fact I'd have to get out of the car and go back to that monster. I didn't want to leave my mom again.
I stared at the dashboard for a long time. The light in the trailer was on and I felt her eyes on me.
Please, don't make me go.
"Say hello to Will from me," I muttered and got out. I didn't even hug her. I should have.
Joyce's car drifted away into the night, taking my last hopes with it. My hands clenched at my sides. God, I was gonna cry, wasn't I?
When I looked up, I noticed Lonnie through tears. Standing at the front porch, staring directly at me. I knew how much he hated it when I was in contact with Joyce. And he hated it even more when I cried.
"Your hair looks fine, dude," I groaned and rolled over to my back.
However, Eddie didn't back away from the mirror. With his face a few inches from it, he kept helplessly brushing through his locks.
"I know, I just wish it was longer. Like Ozzy Osbourne, y'know?"
With a heavy sigh he spun around and walked over to the table. His already long hair swayed with the movement, and fell into his face when he leaned over to roll a joint. I always thought it looked good on him.
I draped a hand over my face to cover my eyes, accidentaly brushing against a fresh bruise on my cheek. The light in Eddie's room seemed brighter than usual, but that might have been because I was high as fuck.
"He's fucking old though."
A pillow hit my head, and when I opened my eyes I could only assume it came from Eddie's direction. He was now sitting beside me, taking a drag. His lips parted, allowing a puff of smoke to escape. I often thought about kissing him. I don't know why. Perhaps just as a sign of rebelion against Lonnie.
"Here," Eddie stretched out his hand to pass me the weed. I couldn't help but notice the way his muscles tensed up. If hell were real, I'd definitely end up there.
Inhaling the substance I closed my eyes again. My face still felt swolen, but being under the influence of Eddie's questionable drugs was certainly helping to releave the pain.
He kicked the radio with his left leg and soon enough Die Young echoed from the speakers. Black Sabbath was one of the few bands we agreed on.
I felt him lay down next to me when a strand of his hair tickled the side of my neck.
"So you and Harrington are friends now?"
Finally looking at him, I returned the joint. "That's a strong word. We just... don't hate each other I guess. I don't know."
Sure, Steve was nicer to me since I agreed to tutor him. Sometimes he'd wave at me in the hallway and, yeah, we met up at the ice cream place today. But friends? I wasn't really sure about that.
"Eh, he's pretty cute. And looks good in basketball shorts," Eddie shrugged, putting out the joint. "If he wasn't such a meathead."
Ed instantly sat up. His eyes pierced through my soul as if I just claimed something outrageous.
"What? I'm not saying he's great. Just that he's... better than I thought," I defended myself.
"Okay, okay, whatever you say, man," Eddie raised his hands in surrender and laid back down. But the more I thought about it, Eddie was right. Steve was in fact kinda adorable. In a weird puppy-like way. I understood why Nancy dated him in the first place...
Fuck, I was high as hell.
Eddie rolled to his side. He leaned his head onto his palm and his chest pressed against my arm. It most likely wasn't intentional, but I felt his heart beat ever so calmly. In a typical Munson way his thumb caressed my cheek.
"Sorry," he flinched back when I hissed. "Lonnie's such a dick, man..."
I snorted. "Guess we both got our fair share of a shitty parent."
"Yea, but mine's at least in jail for being a piece of shit."
I turned to face him. The chain around his neck has sprawled out on the sheets. I traced my finger around the guitar pick at it's end. Eddie's eyes caught a slight red tint from all the drugs. Yet still I could tell the deep emotion behind them, how much he cared about my well being even if we were cracking jokes.
His arm wrapped around me, landing at the back of my head. I don't know what I was expecting, but he pulled me into a hug. His breath was warm as he pressed his lips against my forehead.
"I wish there was more I could do for you."
"You're doing more than enough, dude," I whispered beneath my breath.
Hawkins, Indiana – October 15th 1984
His lips pressed against my neck in a series of breathy hot kisses. I instinctively tilted my head back and brushed a hand into his perfect hair that felt even softer under my fingers.
I dug my nails into his upper arm. Who would've guessed Harrington carried to much muscle. The basketball was definitely paying off because, God, those biceps.
"Jonathan," Steve huffed. His hand tightened on my hip.
"Yeah?" I exhaled heavily as I tugged on a strand of his hair.
"Wake the fuck up, you piece of shit."
I jolted up with an audible gasp. My breath remained ragged and my hands tingled in a strange way. Lonnie yelled from the kitchen again but all I could hear was a buzzing in my head.
What the fuck was wrong with me? What could have possibly possessed me to ever come up with something like that? I wasn't even into him. Was I into guys at all? I mean, Michael Schoeffling in Sixteen Candles was probably the hottest thing I've ever seen. But that was different, right?
It was all Munson's fault. Fucker kept teasing me about my alleged friendship with Steve for days on end. No wonder he snuck his way into my dreams as well.
I closed the locker and leaned my forehead against the cold metal. The smell reminded me of blood, yet at the same time it brought a decent cooling effect for my headache. I shouldn't be thinking so much.
Reluctantly I glanced to the side. Steve himself was walking down the empty hallway, backpack in one hand, waving with the other. My stomach instantly twisted, but running off wouldn't solve shit. He didn't know about my weird fucked up fever dream and it was gonna stay that way.
"Hey," he exhaled next to me. "Happy birthday, man. It's today, right?"
"You better hope so, otherwise it would be embarrassing."
The look he gave me was priceless.
"Relax, it is," I scoffed, punching his arm. "How'd you know?"
Gareth usually claimed the first place when it came to remembering my special day. Either him or Eddie, depends on who saw me first. But how Steve found out or why he even cared was a mystery to me.
He let out a sigh of relief. "Secret sources. I, uuh, got you something."
I blinked, but by that time his outstretched hand was already wiggling an object in front of me. Upon closer investigation I identified it.
"No way," I gasped. The shit I just held in my hands so delicately was three times better than the camera I owned. And was trillion times more expensive.
"How much did you pay for this?" I asked rhetorically. "This costs more than my life, Steve. I-I can't take it."
"Dude, come on," Steve grinned. His hands clasped around mine to wrap my fingers around the camera. "I insist. You saved my grades, it's the least I can do."
This was more than that. If this was just about tutoring he'd buy me a drink and send me on my merry way. Not the most gorgeous peace of photographic equipment I've ever seen.
"I... don't know what to say," I shook my head. My eyes were still glued to the camera and if it wasn't so embarrassing I might have cried as well. "I haven't done a photoshoot in forever..."
Steve's hands finally left mine. He slid them into the pockets of his tight jeans. "I mean, I've got spare time and a car," he shrugged innocently.
His intentions clicked to me immediately.
"...so everything basically works in counts of four, and then you just change up the pace. Honestly Eddie could explain it better," I hummed with my eyes focused on the wet paper. I reached up to hang it onto a string to dry and the table wobbled under my weight.
His hand lightly brushed against my waist. "Careful."
While I appreciated his efforts at stabilization, I hated how my heart dropped at that moment. The flashbacks of today's morning came flooding in and I'd rather drown than let him know.
"I didn't know Munson was so talented. I mean, he's cool and all. I like his hair..." Steve smirked when he finally removed his hand. Supported by his palms he leaned back against the crumbling table and I totally wasn't focusing on how his upper arms flexed.
"He writes most of our stuff," I explained. "He's kind of the reason why I'm in the band in the first place. If it wasn't for him, I'd never learn how to play drums."
Sure, Gareth was the one who introduced me as his classmate, but Eddie was first to ask me to join Corroded Coffin. That was probably the best decision I have ever made.
"Man, that's a sick. I'd never guess y'all were so close," he huffed with a slight smile playing on his face. I couldn't argue with that. Eddie was my best friend. He was... he meant a lot.
I walked around him and took down the first photo that was done developing. It was one of many. I have to say with a new camera and such encouragement from Steve, I found the charm in my craft again. I was full of artistic spirit. I handed it to him without a word, moving to check on the other pieces.
Steve inspected it for a long time. Holding it close to his face, then further away, under the red light, tilting it all over the place. And the more he stared at it, the more nervous I got. After all, he basically became my judge. Not only that, some of the shots included him in one way or another. He was a natural model, I couldn't pass on such opportunity.
"Jon, that's beautiful," he stated in the end. "I mean, wow, I never knew I could look so good."
Bullshit. A man like him must have known his price. Right?
"Please, all credit belongs to my model," I rolled my eyes with a scoff.
Steve looked at the photo again, shook his head, and placed it down onto the table. "Seriously, how did you learn all this..."
My expression faltered ever so slightly.
"I had a lot of free time as a kid. I was mostly by myself."
I didn't know into how much detail I wanted to go. How much was worth telling. I didn't want to scare him off. I learned my lesson with Nancy.
"I'm sorry," he bit his lip. I could tell the mood has shifted. Then Steve spoke again. "I was on my own too. Kind of."
I glanced at him, before awkwardly mimicing his pose. "Shitty parents?"
"Absent. Their work always seemed more important to them."
In my peripheral vision I saw Steve drop down. Soon enough I sat down onto the ground as well, with my back pressed against the table and knees close to my chest. I've never heard Steve get so vulnerable.
"Will talks about you a lot. You... and the divorce. All of it," he muttered.
My head snapped towards him in an instant. For some reason my heart skipped a beat and the same old nausea came back. "He does?"
"Yeah," Steve nodded. His eyes were focused on something in the distance. "I spent a lot of time with him when I was with Nancy. I probably know more about your dad than I should."
A scoff escaped his lips, but it didn't reach his eyes. I couldn't tell if he felt bad for me or was just thinking about his own trauma.
"He's a dickhead," I hissed. Emotions were bubbling up inside me and I was scared I might explode. I didn't want Steve of all people to see that side of me.
He went silent for a long time. I could tell he was thinking hard, his hand fidgeted with the other and he kept biting down on his bottom lip.
"Why... did your parents split up?"
Obviously a touchy topic. But I didn't blame Steve for being curious. I could tell there was no malice behind his words. If I were him, I'd wonder the same question.
"My dad took me hunting on my 10th birthday. Made me kill a rabbit. I cried for a week." My voice came off quieter than intended. It gained a strange pitch and I wasn't able to look Steve in the eyes anymore. "For Joyce that was the final straw."
I took a deep breath, knowing I couldn't save my act anymore. My tough guy personality was already stabbed and left to bleed out. This was it.
Steve grabbed my hand. His fingers felt soft and warm. For some reason he was still here. He didn't think I was a freak.
"I'm so sorry, Jonathan," he whispered. His thumb ran over my knuckles and I could feel his hands shaking more than mine. "I don't know why she's make you live with him if... I'm sorry."
"She didn't make me," my voice cracked. It felt like I was reliving the moment that changed everything. "Money was tight, I knew she couldn't afford having two kids. I went voluntarily. I... I couldn't let Will go through all that."
I would have kept talking if my words didn't get overpowered by tears. Maybe if I had stayed with Joyce that day seven years ago, none of this would have happened. I would still be with my brother, I'd go home without fear, Nancy would have stayed my best friend and I wouldn't be crying into Harrington's shirt right now. Maybe it was all my fault. Maybe I deserved it.
CHAPTER 3 – Fuck Everyone But You
Hawkins, Indiana – October 16th 1984
It was a few minutes after midnight when we finally arrived at the trailer park. I know I felt self-conscious about Steve knowing what part of Hawkins I came from. But after soaking his shirt with salty tears through and through I honestly couldn't care less.
We left the school's dark room in the late evening and drove around in silence for a long time. Sometimes we'd talk. Mostly the radio would play idly as we stared in the opposite directions. I didn't think he was mad at me. But not knowing what he really thought was worse.
Steve's car slowed down until it stopped completely. The engine shut down and I was left with no sound to focus on except for my own beating heart and his breath.
"I'm really sorry." I didn't even realise I've interupted him. I thought he was gonna give me shit for crying.
"About... all of this," I gestured vaguely. "I-I don't know what's gotten into me."
To my suprise he didn't yell at me. Just reached out, gently placing his hand atop of my shoulder. There was a certain hesitation to his action.
"It's okay," he said softly. "I get it."
My jaw clenched and I inhaled sharply through my teeth. Ripping away from beneath his grasp pained me, but I did it anyway.
In one movement I pushed open the door and got out of the car. The wind blew in cold unpredictable gusts and I felt a shiver run down my spine. We were parked on the street, a few feet away from my "house", but from the lights being off I could tell Lonnie was asleep. Either that or passed out drunk.
The driver's door slammed closed, followed by a few slow steps. I folded my arms to cover my chest from the cold. Yet I could feel the heat radiating off of Steve's body behind me.
"Did I do something?" he asked with a voice so quiet I almost didn't hear it.
I wasn't angry with him. Rather with myself for being such a loser. Lonnie was right all along. I was as weak as he said.
"I didn't mean to trigger you," Steve whispered again. "I just... I..."
I spun around to face him. My eyes stayed focused on his torso, but I could tell his gaze was fully on me. In the death of night I was pretty sure I heard his heart pulsing at an incredible speed.
"No, I'm sorry, it's not your fault," I sighed. Thin strands of my hair blew in the wind as I shook my head. "It just.. it's been a long day."
Looking down beneath his eye line I noticed Steve's hand twitch up. He quickly pulled it back to place, but the tension within him was certain.
"I, um..." he took a breath again, giving himself a moment to form a sentence. "Thank you for opening up to me. It means a lot, seriously."
I looked up. Steve seemed so nervous yet very sincere. And I'd gladly continue to ponder if it wasn't for a voice coming from behind me.
"Nathan! Hey," Eddie appeared out of thin air, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. The tension between me and Harrington got broken instantly.
"Munson," Steve took a breath and his expression shifted back to casual. Yet there was some tention behind it. "Sorry, I stole him for a while."
Eddie glanced at me for a split second before grinning. "Aw, it's okay, big boy. I don't mind."
I couldn't read the room anymore. I had no idea what either of them was thinking or what kind of dynamic was going on. The way they kept staring at each other all weird only confused me further. I figured it was better to cut it short before I fuck up.
"Thanks for the ride, Steve." It wasn't the only thing he did for me today, but listing it out especially in front of Eddie felt too awkward. From the look on Steve's face I knew he heard the unspoken.
He nodded. His brows shifted slightly and he snapped his fingers at me. "Oh, I almost forgot. Party on Friday. You should come." His eyes drifted towards Eddie and I could swear I saw a tiny smile. "Both of you."
Steve's annual Halloween parties were well-known among residents our age. I never went to any of them, but everyone always claimed they were legendary.
"Maybe," I nodded. "Maybe..."
"New camera?" Eddie nodded towards the strap hanging over my shoulder.
We were sitting at my front porch side by side. I really didn't want to go inside and he refused to leave me on my own, so we found ourselves in a compromising situation.
"Me and the guys have been looking for you," he stated. "I missed your birthday."
I couldn't prevent a scoff. I found it adorable, the way he cared so much about something so meaningless. "It's fine, Ed."
It wasn't even his fault to begin with. I was the one who ran away with Harrington and didn't tell anyone where I went. I should have.
"I... I wanted to give you something." His tone seemed uncertain. I wasn't used to that.
Eddie tangled his hands behind his head and took off his chain. "It's not as good as a new camera, but..." His fingers slid to the back of my neck. It was very difficult not to shiver when the cold metal made contact with my skin. "...I thought you should have it."
His hand slid down my chest and back to his lap, leaving a warm trail. His iconic guitar pick hung around my neck. I felt it's weight, but it was more emotional than physical.
"Eddie," I exhaled. Perhaps I was making a big deal out of it. But it was a big deal. "I can't accept it, you love your guitar pick."
On the other hand he shrugged. "Yeah, but... It's important to me that you have it. Take it as a lucky charm or something. Happy birthday, Nathan."
I didn't know what to say. Eddie has worn that ever since I first met him. I don't think I've ever seen him without it. Up till now.
Perchance I didn't have to say anything.
I burried my face in his chest. Noting how much I hated human touch, I didn't mind it with him at all. I wanted, needed my hands wrapped around his shoulders, and his head resting on top of mine. I craved the sound of his heart being right next to me. It took me two years to understand my own sentiments, but I was certain now. I was in love with him.
Hawkins, Indiana – October 31st 1984
I spent an embarrassing amount amount of time getting ready. Changed three times only to end up in the same The Fall shirt I always wear. I didn't even care about my appearance that much, I think I was just putting off leaving home. A lot was going on in my head and I didn't want to face it.
The air outside was cold and humid, and mud was everywhere. It wasn't pouring just yet, but it most likely would later at night. It rained for the majority of the year in Hawkins. Eddie had his leather jacket wrapped around him. Not only did it protect him from the cold, but also made him look incredibly cool. And beautiful and charming... All the things he was and much more.
Eddie glanced at me with a raised brow and I looked away. He must have noticed how strange I've been acting, I was about as inconspicuous as a pile of shit on the road. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but whatever it was, I didn't want it to ruin our friendship.
Kids ran up and down the street in their little masks with their little baskets, some still empty, some filled to the brim with sweets. One of them bumped into me, and mumbling a quick "sorry" skitted off towards his friends. My gaze followed him absently.
If it wasn't for that him, I'd never notice Will standing there. With Mike by his side, the bump kid, and another boy, he was laughing and arguing about something stupid. They looked like tiny ghost busters with props and everything. I didn't realise I had stopped in my tracks.
"Nathan? You good?" Eddie placed a on my back.
I briefly glanced towards him, but my full attention was still on my brother.
"Yeah. Yeah, I just..." I shook my head. Steve's words from a few days ago came back to me with a naive hope that perhaps Will didn't hate me. "Go without me. I'll meet you at Harrington's."
Eddie looked over to Will, then back at me. He certainly has caught up with what was going on and nodded.
I took a deep breath. This was not the end of the world. At least that's what I kept reminding myself taking a step forward.
Mike nudged Will's arm, pointing. And the moment his eyes met mine, they all went silent. Those two seconds of staring at each other felt like multiple lifetimes.
A boy with light-brown curly hair whispered something angrily and dragged the other two away. He clearly read the room better than anyone else. I'd have to thank him later. I don't think I would be able to say a word if they all kept looking at me with those huge eyes.
"Ghost busters?" I gestured vaguely. We haven't properly spoken in forever, I had no idea what to say without ticking him off.
"Yea," Will nodded. "Are you... trick or treating too?"
Fuck, kid had better communication skills than me. Which was not that difficult to achieve when the bar was literally in hell, but still.
"No, not really," I scoffed, rubbing the back of my neck. Eddie's chain got caught between my fingers. "I'm with a friend. He likes D&D too. You... still play, right?"
"Mhm," he hummed and his eyes sparkled ever so slightly. At least Will still had his old passions. "Mike's hosting a campaign on Monday."
He fell silent before adding. "Maybe you guys could come over? Mom misses you..."
I wasn't sure whether it was really Joyce who missed me, or him. But quite frankly it didn't matter. I wanted to reconnect with my younger brother. And if he was in line with it, who was I to complain.
I in all honesty thought that was the end of it. Will's friends were starting to seem impatient and Eddie was still somewhere out there waiting for me. I couldn't bother him anymore.
Just then Will took a dramatic breath and his arms quickly wrapped around my midsection. It almost knocked me out, but in a good way. I couldn't remember the last time I shared an embrace with my own sibling, even if a brief one. And it only made me realise just how much I missed him all those years.
Crowded room replaced the cold night. Some of the people wore masks, some didn't. I was apparently going as the guy who owns only one shirt. Madonna blasted from the speakers, teenagers were all over the place, the air stank of cheap booze. Basically an introvert's worst nightmare. I wasn't the biggest fan of alcohol for obvious reasons, but I wasn't here to ruin their fun.
I carefully pushed through the crowd, attempting to touch as little people as possible. It was time to play my favorite game of find the metalhead. Eddie must have been somewhere here, or at least I hoped so.
"Jon, hey!" Steve's voice carried over the music just barely. He waved at me, quickly getting past people. He held the red cup in his hand close to his chest as not to spill it all over the place.
He yelled something in my direction again.
"What?!" my brows furrowed.
Steve let out an annoyed huff. Probably not annoyed at me, rather the noise itself. Or at least I hoped so. He leaned closer to my ear.
I'd gladly respond and admit I had no fucking idea, maybe suggest for Steve to join in on my game. But before I could do any of that, some guy almost tripped Steve over. Maybe it was a girl, I didn't see. Either way the contents of his cup were now on my shirt.
"Fuck, I'm sorry," Steve apologized even though it wasn't his fault.
"It's fine!" I stated, because it really was. It was just a piece of clothing and a bit of trasparent liquid of mysterious background.
"Huh?!" Steve tilted his head, before shaking it. "Let me get you a new one!"
I had no reason to protest whatsoever when he grabbed my hand. I'd let him drag me anywhere if it meant not being with a bunch of drunk strangers.
As expected, everything was way calmer upstairs. The music seemed very muffled and distant, almost no people surrounded the hallway, and the ones who did were either just talking or making out.
Steve dragged me past everything all the way to a room I guessed was his. A few basketball trophies here and there, clothes hung over the chair, the whole deal. I have to say his room alone was more spacious than my whole "house".
"I like your decor," I hummed, absently lingering by the door.
Steve, whom was currently searching a drawer, glanced at me over his shoulder with a smile. "Thanks."
He shouldn't be so pretty while doing an ordinary activity. It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. More than I'd like to admit. I came to the conclusion that he was beautiful inside and out. I'd best compare it to the way I saw Eddie...
"Here you go," Steve spun around with a shirt. Basic, blue, probably not my size. I don't know why I felt so tense taking it.
I mean, that's a lie. I knew damn well. I liked Steve a lot, and his hand touching mine was something I yearned for all the time. The way he kept holding onto it, the look in his eyes, that stupid smile that sent me into a cardiac arrest every single time...
It all happened so quickly. His lips were so soft and he tasted like beer. It felt different than I've been imagining. Better.
The moment I opened my eyes all those euphoric feelings went down the drain. Steve was staring at me with pure terror in his eyes, not at all pleased with what was going on.
"Jonathan..." he whispered. I couldn't read the tone of his voice.
"It... I didn't- I should go," I studdered, letting go of his hand.
I honestly have no idea what happend after. Don't ask me where the shirt ended up, if he said anything, or what kind of song was playing while I fled the scene. I had no clue. Everything was a blur and I was most likely going through some sort of panic attack.
Somehow I managed to push my way all the way to the backyard and find a spot near the pool. Thank any higher power that nobody was out there. People probably thought it was way too cold to be outside.
I needed fresh air real bad. Or lobotomy to forget what I just did. I totally fucked up, what the fuck was wrong with me?
I spun around, wet fabric clinging to my chest as it lifted with heavy breaths, feeling like I was gonna throw up all over his garden. Yet his voice came off tender, I didn't think he was really angry.
A long-haired shadow moved behind him, followed by the tone of a concerned mother. Not that I would know what that sounds like.
"Nathan, I saw you bolt out. Is everything okay?" Eddie paused next to Steve.
What in the hell have I got myself into? Good job, Jonathan. Way to get swooned by two different men and fuck up the only friendships you ever had.
My eyes darted between them, and I must have looked scared shitless when Steve felt the need to grasp my shoulder.
"Jon, c'mon, I'm not mad," he whispered. I could tell he was trying to keep this between us, which was pretty difficult when Eddie stood right there. Steve's voice continued to get quieter. "I do like you, okay? I'm just... I'm scared, I-"
"What the fuck's going on here?"
Exactly my words. Except Eddie was the one who said them, looking at us with unreadable expression. Neither Steve, nor I were willing to answer. Because what would I even say? I threw myself onto him, but we're both actually too terrified of liking men to acknowledge our feelings?
Apparently I didn't have to say any of that. Eddie was either very good at picking up details, or we were just being way too obvious.
He let out a huff, and grabbing the back of Steve's neck pulled him closer.
Screw a panic attack, if this wasn't heaven then I don't know what was. Because I certainly didn't deserve to see the two men I was pathetically in love with making out. And Eddie was really getting into it, tongue and all. Forget everything I said about Michael Schoeffling, this was the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
After countless seconds of me and Steve both staring in utter shock, Eddie turned to look at me.
"I like you, Nathan. Both of you." His hand moved from the back of Steve's head to his cheek. "And you two are obviously into each other, so cut the bullshit."
His motivational speech got followed by a moment of silence. I was still processing what I just witnessed, while Steve seemed to be thinking deeply. His face was still flushed red when he grasped Eddie's wrist.
"I... I think I need some time."
And he wasn't the only one.
Hawkins, Indiana – November 3rd 1984
Rain tapped idly on the windows. The air was filled with the smell of cooking dinner, laughter and occasional argument coming from the table.
Mike would get into very passionate fights with the bump kid Lucas, only for Eddie to take his side and turn the altercation even more heated. I didn't understand what the conflic was about most of the time. But Will was laughing, and that was all I cared about.
I glanced down at Steve, whom had his head in my lap, and ran my hand through his hair. He shrugged, understanding the game about as much as I did. I saw the sparkle in his eyes when he looked at Eddie raging about something again.
Steve was probably still afraid of this whole situation. So was I. So was Eddie. It was all so new. But it didn't matter whether this was just a fling or they'd stay forever with me. We were all right here right now and I felt more loved than ever before. I was finally happy, and I was with them.
notes 2: a'ight, that's it. if anybody got this far... wow? thank you? hopefully i didn't bore you. i'm glad for any kind of feedback, ideas, and anything you guys have to say. i love you all, take care <3
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