PassionWithPurity

People with faith are also people with feelings. When my heart drops rain with words, it fills this space.

[howkennafall]

Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere; . I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. . For the Lord God is a Sun and Shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; . no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless. . Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in You. Psalms 84:10‭-‬12 NIV https://www.instagram.com/p/CDz7xi-gbBt/?igshid=of1lnqhudosj

[howkennafall]

Future > Past

It has been one week full of crying sessions with the Lord. It's our Prayer and Fasting week in church and God has been moving in my heart in ways I can't explain. Until now, I still get tears as I reflect on how this week went for me.

In this post, I just wanna share one area where God has been and still dealing with me - it's my past. Even before the P&F started last Wednesday, Monday has already brought me to my knees. Tears were falling while I was doing the laundry.

My mind seems to have its own way of letting painful memories slide in front of my eyes like a movie clip on replay.

I had my share of hurts and a broken bruised heart. This caused an effect to how I view relationships. It got me to believe that I don't deserve any happy endings. I also feared that if a guy (who decides to pursue me) would know about my past, he might reject me or would look at me differently.

I praise God because when I fully recommitted my life to the Lord, I also surrendered my desire of having a lifetime partner. I knew in my heart that JESUS is ENOUGH. No man cannot fill my deepest longings but Him only. Hence, if the Lord wills for me to have this single blessedness, I am happy and contented.

But of course, I still struggle. I needed to be constantly reminded of this truth - most especially now that I am starting to like a person again. There's these 2 prayers in my mind right now, which I also got to process with the Lord during the P&F week: 

(1) If the Lord wills me to be single, I pray that God would help me guard my heart. 

(2) But if the Lord wills me to be married, am I able to overcome my struggles connected to my past?

Honestly, I can't. I cannot do it with my own strength and self-will. I needed the Lord to help me. So here are the practical ways I learned to do:

First, I ACKNOWLEDGE that I cannot change anything from my past. Past is past. No matter how much I wanted to go back and change things, it already happened. Since I don't have a time machine nor the time stone with me, I should not dwell on it anymore. What I can focus is the NOW. I have to decide to MOVE FORWARD, taking the valuable lessons I got from those past experiences, and TRUST GOD of my future.

Second, I SURRENDER my every thoughts to the Lord and fill my mind with His truths and promises. Such as, “I am not defined by my past nor my mistakes, I have already been redeemed by Christ!” (Romans 3:24) “God is a God of second chances. He has given me a new life in Christ. The old things have passed away, I can start anew!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Third, I write letters to my future husband. This is actually something I tried to do then but it stopped when I also stopped hoping. But now that my HOPE is in Christ, and He has given me a new heart, I started doing it again - with a mindset that whatever God's plans are for me, it will still be the BEST. :)

Writing letters actually helped me find the balance of guarding my heart and at the same time, becoming hopeful again. It makes me go back to the reality that the person I currently like is NOT my future husband. This guards my heart from making assumptions when we got to interact and holds the rein of my mind from imagining our future together. On the other hand, the letter points me to the fact that there might be someone that God is preparing for me. He might also be praying and waiting just like me. Because I know that he is the one I will love forever (even though I might have not met him yet), I will protect my heart and reserve my thoughts and emotions for him.

With that, let me share to you a sample of an open letter I made last December 2019:

"To my future relationships, especially with my GB, how I pray that you have a strong relationship with God and a mature heart when we meet. I hope that God is truly your source of love because I am a difficult person to love and understand. Please know that I am trying and striving to improve in terms of showing compassion and empathy to other people. I admit it's not easy to love like Jesus does - but since that's the ONLY way for me to show unconditional love for you, I will always do my best to do it. The last thing I want is for you to be hurt by me, but if that happens, I pray that you will be gracious enough to always forgive me and love me even as imperfect as I am. Sana pag nagkakilala na tayo, hindi ako mapangunahan ng takot na baka masaktan kita. Sana sa pagdating mo, handa na akong pasayahin ka at alagaan. Kung tulad ko'y meron ka ring di magandang nakaraan, sana kapag nagtagpo tayo, parehas na tayong buo kay Hesus. Pero habang hindi pa dumadating ang oras na iyon, nandito lang ako nananalangin para sa iyo at sana hindi ka rin mapagod manalangin para sa akin. Nasaan ka man ngayon, sana palaging masarap ulam mo. Haha! Sana yung mga mata mo, kumikislap kapag tumatawa ka. Sana mahilig ka din tumawa tulad ko. Yung witty ka at masarap kausap pero malalim at passionate kapag si God ang topic. Sana mas malambing ka kaysa sa akin para mahawaan mo ako dahil di ako gaanong expressive. Sana di ka gaanong clingy pero maalalahanin. Sana marunong ka kumanta o tumugtog ng gitara kasi gusto kong makaduet ka lagi at maka-jamming. Sana malapit na nga kitang makilala. Kung hindi pa o hindi man, alam kong ang kaligayahan ko ay mapupunuan naman ng Panginoon dahil si Lord lang, sapat na. Pero hanggang sa dumating ang oras na pagtagpuin tayo ng Diyos, huwag kang mag-alala, hihintayin kita. 😊"

Then, here's the latest one I made last night:

"To You. Sa iyo na alam kong hinahanda ni Hesus para sa akin. Sa iyo na makakasama kong pagsilbihan ang Panginoon habangbuhay. Sa iyo na hinihintay ko at pinapanalangin ko.

Kamusta ka? Sana nasa mabuti kang kalagayan. Curious ako kung nasaan ka ngayon. Nasa Pinas ka kaya? Sa Maynila o sa may bandang Rizal area din? Nag-sserve ka na kaya kay Lord? Panalangin ko kapag nagkakilala tayo, nag-sserve ka na din sa Kanya. Nag-llead ka na din sana ng dgroup mo tulad ko. Alam mo ba? Grabe pala yung joy of discipling! Nakaka-amaze na nakakaiyak kung gaano tina-transform ni God yung heart ko nowadays. Parang higher level compared noong di pa ako nagddisciple.

Actually, napasulat ako sayo ngayon kasi gusto ko humingi ng tawad. Pasensya ka na kung lately, medyo distracted utak ko dahil sa isang guy na hinahangaan ko ngayon. Please pray for me as I guard my heart. Gusto ko sana ikaw lang ang nasa isip ko, syempre aside kay Lord. I want to reserve my innermost feelings and thoughts for you because...

You will be my answered prayer. I hope and pray that you will be that someone whom I can study the Bible with and would gladly answer my random theological questions; that someone who can partner with me in ministering to other people; that someone I can serve the Lord with; that someone my parents and siblings will adore; that someone whom I can be my prayer partner; that someone who will encourage me and push me to do things I am hesitant to do; that someone I can serve and take care of.

Right now, I pray that you are well - free from Covid-19, serving your family, and enjoying God's presence during this prayer and fasting. I hope that you are also praying for me. Please pray, especially for my thoughts that always distract my heart and encourages me to daydream. Please pray that I will only commit to love you and think of you because you are the person God will give me.

I hope I can meet you soon!! ❤️"

To the girls who might be reading this, I hope you will be encouraged just like me. Guard your heart but stay hopeful. Take note though that you anchor your hopes to the Lord and not on that future partner. If the Lord wills that you will be married someday, that future partner will just be a fruit of His grace. Your future husband is not your saviour nor your knight-in-shining-armor who will deliver you from your lonely single life. Our True Love and Saviour should only be JESUS CHRIST. We are COMPLETE in Him. Our future husband will just be a bonus! 😉

So let us patiently wait, strive more to be Christ-like, and be the God’s BEST for our God’s BEST. 

“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.” 1 Peter 3:3-4 NLT.

06.28.2020 || 6:20PM

[howkennafall]

ESCAPE

(Part 1)

It was her regular school day. Since it’s still early for her class, she went to the nearest mall to buy some school stuffs. There, she accidentally bumped into him. He was alone.

”Where is Aunt?” was the first thing she asked, referring to his wife.

“Oh, she’s just buying something,” he quickly answered. “Have you eaten lunch? I’ll treat you!”

As he walked towards her, she felt agitated. Can she trust this man? Again? Maybe he has changed. 10 years have already passed. She sees him going to church with his family. She sees him in every family reunion. So, maybe he did. They will just eat lunch. Nothing could go wrong, right? So she brushed off the thoughts.

“Where do you want to eat? I’m sure you’re hungry.” He laughs.

Should she also laugh? She did an awkward one then smiled. She got to calm down. She doesn’t want him to feel her awkwardness. Is it because she’s shy? Or is it fear? Is it because she just doesn’t want to cause any trouble?

Her aunt is very nice to her. She is her mom’s cousin and they are very close. Once her aunt knew that she is uncomfortable towards her uncle, she might feel suspicious. She might hate her. She might ask about what happened years ago. At their house’s living room. Her 10-year old niece, watching the television alone. Molested by her husband. And also during the family reunion in the province, at their grandparents’ house. Her young innocent timid niece - screaming inside. Left alone.

Clueless.

Powerless.

Lost.

Helpless.

Broken.

Afraid.

Desperate.

….

…

Silent.

Lifeless.

Emotionless.

Blank.

Empty.

That would surely break her Aunt’s heart. And her parents’. So she got hold of her shaking hands and entered the restaurant.

“This should only be fast,” she thought.

She tried talking to him like a normal person and smiled like everything is alright; like years ago never happened; like it was only a passing memory; like it’s only a short nightmare. Maybe this lunch occasion would convince her that he really changed. Maybe this would help her to finally move on.

Oh, but wait.

Why is his phone up?

Is he taking photos?

Of her?

What the heck is happening??

“No, don’t worry. Just keep eating. These are just for remembrance, you know.” He laughed again, trying to lighten up the atmosphere, and continued with his ‘funny’ story.

Meanwhile, her mind was in a battle.

“Ok. That’s already a red flag.”

“He said it’s just for remembrance.”

“What? Who would normally do that?”

“Come on. Give the person a chance.”

“While it makes you uncomfortable?”

“This won’t take long, for sure.”

“If I were you, just leave while you still can.”

She set her thoughts aside and enjoyed her pasta. She got a long day at school. She convinced herself that she needs energy anyway.

“Aunt is surely taking a while. What is she buying?” Her aunt would be her rescue. She gotta ask and somehow ease her mind.

“Oh, I don’t know. You know her. She’s very meticulous.”

“To what school do you go again?”

“I can give you a ride. I also have an errand around that area.”

“I insist. Don’t be shy.”

What should she do now? She feels trapped. It’s hot outside. The bus can be too crowded. Is riding with her Uncle really a bad idea? Well, her Aunt will be going with them, right? So she should be alright.

[howkennafall]

ESCAPE

(Part 2)

That walk towards the parking lot felt like there’s a ticking time bomb in her head - until they finally reached the car.

“When is Aunt coming?” 00:15

“Oh, she sent me a text…” 00:12

“..she said that she’s still having trouble shopping.” 00:10

“She will just wait for me here..” 00:05

“..to return from my errand.” 00:03

RUN. LEAVE NOW. RUN. RUN. PLEASE! PLEASE!!!!

But she didn’t.

She trusted him up to that point. 00:01

Until she froze again like the heavy traffic outside the car. 00:00

She wanted to break loose from that seat belt and from his touches. She tried her best to lean and look away. She wanted to clearly show him that she doesn’t want what is happening.

For once, she wanted to fight back and run at the same time.

She wanted to open that car door with all her strength and being.

She wanted to escape the car and from his lustful eyes.

For once, she wanted to scream and shout for help. This time, not just in her mind.

She wanted to get out. She doesn’t care anymore if a car hits her.

She would rather die.

But she didn’t.

Until now, she didn’t know why. All she remembers were the questions in her mind. What can she possibly do now? Does she have any choice? It was all her fault, right?

The moment she got off that car, she made a decision never to trust him again; that what just happened won’t happen again. “Isaksak niya sa baga niya yung pasta at kotse niya!!!” That’s what’s screaming in her mind but why is she crying? Why are these tears falling?

No. She can’t cry now. No one should know about what happened.

And that was what she hoped.

A week after, she went home and was greeted by her mother’s furious face. What’s on her mom's hands almost gave her a heart attack.

They were two framed photos of her, eating pasta.

“What are these!? Why did your uncle sent these!? Did you meet him?”

“I told you to stay away from him!!”

“Are you really that foolish? Come on, you should be wise! You should not trust people easily! So what do you think happens now, huh? You really want to ruin my relationship with your aunt??”

“You are so stupid! Don’t dare tell anything about this to your dad.”

Then that’s when she ran and tried grabbing the frames from her mom’s hands. She's going hysterical. She wanted to smash them with her bare hands and use the broken glasses to slash herself but her mom’s grip was too tight. She felt she’s going crazy with so much anger inside her. She hates her uncle. She hates her mom. She hates herself. She hates everyone.

She slumped on the floor. Bawling. Screaming. Hitting the floor with her bare hands. Maybe somehow the pain can go away with every hit.

Would things be different if she didn’t go with her mom to do the laundry at her aunt’s house 10 years ago? …if she was not alone in that living room? …if people did not lose sight of her at her grandparents’ house? …if her 10-year old self realized that something wrong happened and asked for help? ...if she felt that someone cares for her? …if someone reached out and helped her realize that she was sexually abused and that she needed help? …if someone supported her and strongly advised her that going near the abuser again is dangerous? …if someone helped her realize that it’s more important to protect herself first rather than others?

Her tears falling but her eyes blankly staring on the floor.

Written: 30 May 2020

[howkennafall]

#HappyBirthdaySayo2020

Appreciation post to this guy friend of mine. Birthday niya din kasi ngayon. Sige, magfeeling special ka kasi ikaw lang ginawan ko ng ganito.

Salamat as in. Sobrang salamat.

Salamat sa laging pagpapatawad sa akin at pag-intindi.

Salamat dahil minsan ikaw lang ang napaglalabasan ko ng damdamin at random kamalditahan ko at ayun, lagi ka lang nakikinig sa akin.

Salamat dahil kahit alam kong nasaktan kita noon, hindi mo pa din ako iniwan.

Thank you for giving our friendship another chance despite of me breaking your heart.

Thank you because despite of your feelings for me back then, you kept our relationship pure. You respected me and I felt that whenever we're together. You never took advantage of me. You just patiently waited. You really were different from the guys I met and you know how much I appreciate that. Tapos ito nga yung blessing, magkaibigan pa rin tayo! Di lang yun, mabuting magkaibigan pa. Walang katulad, pare!

Salamat dahil kahit di ko man nasuklian yung nararamdaman mo noon naging mabuti ka pa din sakin. Siguro dahil genuine talaga yung friendship natin. Sinasakyan mo pa din mga kakulitan ko at kalokohan. Sabagay, sobrang magkawavelength din humor at wit natin eh. GRABE LANG DIBA.

Sa totoo lang di ko akalaing magkakaroon ako ng isang tunay na kaibigang tulad mo. Isa ka sa mga nanatili sa tabi ko sa kabila ng high walls at passive personality ko. Tinatanggap mo pa rin ako palagi kahit ilang buwan akong walang paramdam. Random kitang ichchat at sasagot ka naman. Alam kong may kaunting tampo ka pero di mo yun ipaparamdam sa akin. BAKIT KA BA GANYAN. HAHA.

Masaya akong naging close tayo noon at hanggang ngayon. Masaya akong dahil nagkakilala tayo sa simpleng paghahanap ko lang sayo noong faculty office noong college at napagkamalan pa kitang babae dahil sa pangalan mo. HAHAHA. Masaya akong nagkita ulit tayo matapos ang ilang taon at kahit nagttrabaho na tayo. (Dahil sa milk tea, tama? Sobrang weird lang dahil bawal naman sayo yun.)

At ngayon, masaya akong nakikita kitang masaya!! Engaged ka na. Ikakasal ka na. Next year! AKALAIN MO YUN?? Parang, hala di nga?? Hahahaha. Charot lang!! I mean, parang dati drama-drama pa nating dalawa. Ngayon, ako na lang nagddrama kasi ako nalang single sa MUNDONG ITO. Hala OA. HAHAHA.

Anyway, maligayang kaarawan sa iyo!! Panalangin ko na si Lord ang palaging maging center ng buhay mo at magiging buhay ninyong dalawa bilang mag asawa. Alam kong mapalad siya dahil siya ang pinili mong mamahalin habang buhay. At mapalad ka din sa kanya dahil siya ang babaeng mahal ka. And friend, you deserve that kind of love! :)

Alam ko din na ikaw yung taong hindi basta-basta susuko kahit ilang beses masaktan. Pero alam nating darating ang time na masusubok ka at kayong dalawa. Kaya kapag mangyari yun, dalangin ko na kumapit lang kayo sa Diyos dahil "what God has put together, let no man separate." Siya lang ang mag aalaga sa relasyon ninyo basta't lagi ninyo Siyang unahin (Matthew 6:33). ODIBA taray, may wedding dedication message na ako sa inyo at may Bible verses pa. Advance ng one year. HAHA. Kahit minsan puro ako kalokohan, sincere talaga ako diyan sa mga pinagkukuda ko ha. Isa ka sa mga taong ginamit ni Lord para ipakitang may mga tao pa din palang kayang magtyaga at magmahal sa akin ng totoo. Wuw. Bakit ako naiiyak. HAHA.

Ayon. Sinulat ko ito habang bumabyahe ng jeep papuntang Cubao last year ng December. Naalala kita at naisip ko kung nagkaroon ba ng pagkakataong nasabi ko man lang sa iyo kung gaano kita na-aappreciate. Kaya ayan, nabuo ito! Naka-draft hanggang magbirthday ka para special diba. HAHA.

Salamat sa Diyos at nakilala ko ang isang tulad mo! I wish you all the best!! Hart hart.

[howkennafall]

Ang Dahilan at Panalangin Ko

I've been trying to look for my 2018 CBTL planner since yesterday. I'm already getting a little frustrated since I can't find it anywhere in the house. I'm starting to think I might have lost it while I was transferring boarding houses early this year. I hope not! The reason is I THINK I wrote there my most recent "list of negotiables and non-negotiables" in finding a GB. GB is an acronym for "God's Best". For singles, it means 'a potential life partner'. Soooooo since I somehow can't remember everything I wrote ('cause it's kind of a long list oop-), I thought of revisiting it from my planner - which I hope I didn't lose. *cross fingers*

Meanwhile, as I was going through my old stuffs, I came across some old letters from my friends and people who used to be so close to me. Eventhough lowkey, I still think I am a sentimental person. So I tried re-reading them. Then, moments later, I find myself slightly tearing up. Not because the content of the letters were sad. They were actually good and happy messages. If love letters aren't just those ooey-gooey romantic stuffs, I guess they can be considered love letters for me. So what made me tear up? It's because I feel like I wasn't able to somehow repay the love and affection they gave me that time. I felt guilty and sad. It seems like I was very special to them but I didn't make an effort to make them feel that they are also special to me - because maybe, in reality, they really weren't. That realization made my heart sank. Was I really that selfish back then? Sabi ko nga sa isa kong friend, "Pakiramdam ko nga, noon, ang daming first impressions sa akin na mabait ako. Then, in the end, they would realize na hindi pala - not until, they get hurt by me." Naalala ko pa, may nagdescribe sa aking friend ko na parang ako daw yung "I am a nightmare, dressed like a daydream" sa kanta ni Taylor Swift. People think I'm harmless. So they befriend me, got attached to me, only to fall in a pit or be left hanging. Those people might have hated me (or still hate me until now). Others might have chosen to cut ties with me (i.e., blocked me, unfriended me, etc.). Some thankfully might have forgiven me, especially those I made amends with. Salamat sa Panginoon dahil kahit paano, naagapan ko pa. For those who don't know my past, I hope you can give yourself a chance to know me. If not, because of what I just told you, then I would truly understand. Haha. But, believe me or not, there is a reason why I tend to hurt people - unconsciously, most of the time. Well, "hurt people hurt people." They were also hurt so they tend to hurt others also. I had to adapt with emotional pain from childhood. From an early age, I unconsciously learned to suppress my own feelings and thoughts. Not until noong tumanda ako, na na-realize kong ang emo ko pala noong bata. Haha. From my mom's stories about when I was a child, I also realized that I am a natural passive person. One of them was when I had a high fever and I was only months old. Naturally, babies cry when they are sick but - well - I did not. When my parents had to leave me to an auntie because mom had to give birth to my younger brother that time, I also didn't cry nor even look for my parents. Another was when I was in nursery/kinder, mom can just leave me in class without experiencing any crying or tantrums or separation anxieties from me (compared to my 2 younger siblings haha). Unfortunately, that passive child in me became worse when I was molested when I was 10 years old. I think I was somehow aware of what happened to me since I remember it telling it to my mom, yet without any negative emotions. I can remember myself saying like it's some kind of information instead of a complaint. Years passed and I treated it like nothing. I sometimes still get surprised thinking how I managed to do that. What I can just remember though is I got more emotional and sensitive on little things after the incident - which I eventually hated. To cope up, I had to suppress what I feel so I can adapt, think straight, and maybe understand things a little better. However, this act that I treated as "strength" eventually affected my relationships with other people, especially my family. As people slowly grew close to me, I came up as insensitive, indifferent, and incompassionate. I didn't know that the walls I built to protect myself through the years would hurt the people who wanted to love and take care of me. Ang bilis ko mag-move on at ang bilis ko mag-let go. Nasanay ako. Naturuan ko ang sarili ko dahil kailangan ko. I felt I had no other choice. It was the only way I can think of to escape pain.

My past & personality are not a valid excuse for me to hurt other people, and it should never be. For those I have hurt in the past, I hope you can still forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you or anyone. Now that I realized the truth, it also hurts me to think that I disregarded, ignored, and "ghosted" people. I hope I can still make it up to you.

To my future relationships, especially with my GB, how I pray that you have a strong relationship with God and a mature heart when we meet. I hope that God is truly your source of love because I am a difficult person to love and understand. Please know that I am trying and striving to improve in terms of showing compassion and empathy to other people. I admit it's not easy to love like Jesus does - but since that's the ONLY way for me to show unconditional love for you, I will always do my best to do it. The last thing I want is for you to be hurt by me, but if that happens, I pray that you will be gracious enough to always forgive me and love me even as imperfect as I am. Sana pag nagkakilala na tayo, hindi ako mapangunahan ng takot na baka masaktan kita. Sana sa pagdating mo, handa na akong pasayahin ka at alagaan. Kung tulad ko'y meron ka ring di magandang nakaraan, sana kapag nagtagpo tayo, parehas na tayong buo kay Hesus. Pero habang hindi pa dumadating ang oras na iyon, nandito lang ako nananalangin para sa iyo at sana hindi ka rin mapagod manalangin para sa akin. Nasaan ka man ngayon, sana palaging masarap ulam mo. Haha! Sana yung mga mata mo, kumikislap kapag tumatawa ka. Sana mahilig ka din tumawa tulad ko. Yung witty ka at masarap kausap pero malalim at passionate kapag si God ang topic. Sana mas malambing ka kaysa sa akin para mahawaan mo ako dahil di ako gaanong expressive. Sana di ka gaanong clingy pero maalalahanin. Sana marunong ka kumanta o tumugtog ng gitara kasi gusto kong makaduet ka lagi at maka-jamming. Sana malapit na nga kitang makilala. Kung hindi pa o hindi man, alam kong ang kaligayahan ko ay mapupunuan naman ng Panginoon dahil si Lord lang, sapat na. Pero hanggang sa dumating ang oras na pagtagpuin tayo ng Diyos, huwag kang mag-alala, hihintayin kita. 😊

[howkennafall]

I Am Yours Forever

"The old is gone." *immersed in the water*

"The new has come." *emerged from the water*

Tears swelling in my eyes because of the overwhelming joy in my heart. "Lord, finally, finally, finally.." were only the words continually repeating in my mind.

I didn't realize my desire of recommitment to the Lord through baptism until last Oct 2017 - when I attended my first True Life Retreat as a participant. That time, I was in the process of moving on from a complicated relationship and was struggling with a past that's been constantly haunting me. Determined to get over the burdens, I tried to open up my past to my breakout group. I was hungry for healing and was seeking for people who will listen & understand me. When the last session about Baptism came, a part of me felt like I want to be baptized - yet, majority of me was very hesitant. I was kind of confused if it is the right thing to do (because I already got baptized when I was 9 yrs old) and thoughts like, what will my parents say if they find out, etc. In short, my heart was not ready to surrender then.

The beginning of 2018 was rough for me. It was only a few months after that True Life Retreat and after I joined a discipleship group (Nov 2017) when the enemy's attacks on me got worse and worse. My past started to haunt me almost everyday. Self-condemnation because of guilt and shame crept in. Depression was eating me slowly. Thoughts of ending my life even started to fill my mind. I started to doubt my salvation and was already questioning God's grace and sovereignty in my life. Yet at the same time, I was crying for help from Him. I did not know where to turn to. I was desperate. I have hid all these secrets from people, especially to my parents, for 15 years. I was raised in a Christian home, grew up in Sunday school, and became active in many church ministries from highschool to college. In the outside, people see a very godly person - very knowledgeable about the Bible and faithful in church. Little did people know that on the inside, I was hurting and struggling with secret sins. There even came a time that I was backsliding in heart but I continued singing in the choir, doing special numbers, and even leading a youth group. Maybe you were thinking, ang tigas ng mukha ko, and I'm a hypocrite, etc. Yes, you may call me names whatever you want but, my friend, it was the easiest and only way for me to show people that I'm okay eventhough I'm not. Then, last year was my breaking point. I made mistakes and committed sins even myself could never imagined to do. The self-righteous person in me shattered and I was hopeless.

April 2018, desperate for healing & restoration, I joined CCF's Glorious Hope program together with some friends. It was recommended to us by a 'Kuya' who previously joined it. Amazingly, the Lord used the program to reveal the deepest parts of my heart. I found out that I subconsciously created a coping mechanism towards pain through these years by suppressing and brushing it off. I also realized that I had a distorted image of God's mercy and grace. Through the years, I have created a mindset that I have to compensate first through performance (attending church, doing ministries) before God can forgive and accept me. So when I hit rock-bottom, it was very difficult for me to return to Him. After that 17-week program of praying and processing with the Lord, I finally surrendered everything to Christ. To be honest, it wasn't easy. Those bondages and walls I created through the years were already inculcated in my mind and those bad habits of pride and self-centeredness were already in my system. But TOTAL SURRENDER was all I needed. It was a major encounter with the Lord. Months passed, I experienced God's presence like never before. Through my discipler, dgroup, CCF friends, and B1G Fridays, I grew closer to Christ. March 2019, He allowed me to start discipling and even created opportunities for me to share and encourage ladies who went through the same struggles.

Then, came this B1G True Life Retreat this June when God impressed me to volunteer as a Facilitator. It was my desire to personally witness lives being transformed by Jesus. And that, Lord-willing, He will expand my borders and allow more ladies I can disciple through this retreat. However, I never expected that God will speak to me again about Baptism. Yes, I got baptized already in the church I grew up in when I was 9 years old. But through the years of battling with my past and sins without total surrender, I realized that I never really understood and completely applied my commitment to follow the Lord in my life that time. I guess I only accepted Christ as my Saviour back then but He was never fully the Lord & Master of my life until last year. People maybe asking, why did I still decide to get baptized again? To make things clear, it's ideal that you should be baptized only once. The moment you get to FULLY surrender everything to the Lord - only once is enough. In my case, my baptism last June 16, 2019 was my recommitment to Jesus (above photo). Yes, I already recommitted myself to Him last year but my heart's desire is to make it a public declaration - which I can only do through baptism. This way, I am now more accountable to the authorities who baptized and prayed for me and to the people who witnessed my commitment.

Side note: For those of you who have questions about Baptism, feel free to send me a DM. For now, here are some of my notes about Baptism which was discussed during the retreat.

I know my journey doesn't end here. I know that the battle will get more difficult. The enemy's attacks will be greater. I might still fall and make mistakes. But I AM NOT ALONE. I have Jesus beside me and goes before me (Joshua 1:9). He will pick me up when I fall (Isaiah 41:13). I now know (not only head-knowledge but (Gr.) ginosko which means experiential knowledge) that I can return to His loving arms without condemnation (Romans 8:1; Psalm 51:17). Only until I surrendered everything to Him, that I FULLY experienced His grace and His love became more real to me.

I love You, Lord - because You first loved me.

I AM YOURS FOREVER, JESUS. :)

[howkennafall]

You might be surprised but it's my first time riding a motor boat. I think the only boats I rode before were those swans in Minesview Park and the Jungle Log Jam in Enchanted Kingdom (if that even counts! Haha!). So being a not-so traveller myself, these things got me nervous but excited at the same time. It was a 40-minute ride from the shore to that place called 'The Vanishing Island' which old folks called 'Wara-Wara' ('wala-wala' in Bicol dialect). After 20mins in the boat and noticing that the water became deep blue (which means we're really far from the shore and water now is super deep), I became anxious. I dont why but my mind started imagining those movie scenes when worst things happen. Basta alam nyo na yun. Haha. Then, I began praying and talking to God. After a while, as we started seeing islands nearby, my mind shifted to amazement - thinking now how amazing our God is. How did He made such beautiful islands? Where did those trees come from? Galing noh? From anxiety to amazement. 😁 Finally we arrived at the place and swam there (by that time, it's high tide). Surrounded by big waters, I felt like I'm already swimming in the middle of the ocean! Haha. After researching, we were only like in the corner of the Lagonoy Gulf (west of the Philippine Sea). 😅 Means the ocean is still sooo far out there! Anyway, what's cool is that while we're swimming, boats were just meters away passing around us. If you will visit here and you like the island to still be dry, go by early morning since it's still low tide. But if you want to swim here, go around lunch time so it's high tide. 🏊 Overall, I definitely enjoyed this adventure!! ❤️ It wasnt only a #BicolTrip2019 #nofilter P. S. Swipe left to see the videos where the color of the water changed from greenish to deep blue. (at Vanishing Island, Malilipot Albay) https://www.instagram.com/p/ByM1LlkDxqf/?igshid=1oqrrot1zh899

[howkennafall]

As I read Matthew 1:1-25, the Lord once again reminded me of His sovereignty and amazing redeeming grace. The New Testament opens with the family tree of Jesus - from Abraham to David to the Messiah. The Bible mentions the name of Rahab (the prostitute) and Ruth (the non-Jewish Moabite) among other women who have been a part of Jesus' lineage. When I read this passage I couldn't help but praise God with tears in my eyes!! He really is the God of second chances! He just don't redeem but also use these once broken people for His greater purpose. How about you? Feeling hopeless because of what your past has done to your heart? Turn to God. He has sent Jesus - who will save us from our sins (v.21). Ask Him for forgiveness and repent. Let go and surrender all those burdens and follow Him (because His burden is light). Then, allow Him to use you for His kingdom. He loves us so much that He created us, not only to exist, but to LIVE for Him. P.S. My quiet time is now extra special with Teh Tarik 🍵 on the side. Brought to you by my yats @vanebacierto 😘 #HopeThouInGod #BibleReading2019 https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt9yrxIhiUZ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=h21xd0f6do9y

[howkennafall]

Spilled Water

“Guys, I just want you to know that you are my friends whom I will treasure forever.“ I was teary-eyed while saying this and was already wiping the tears from my eyes. After the next second or two, I was already wiping my wet pants. Apparently, the waiter accidentally spilled a glass of water on the table and got my pants, bag, and conference kit/bag drenched. Inside my conference kit was my devotional notebook and my heart just broke when I saw it wet and its pages crumpled. It was a very special notebook that my dgroup leader gave me last Christmas. Now, it was almost ruined, together with the notes written on it. 

I stood up as the waiters wiped the table. Meanwhile, I am just standing there waiting for someone to apologize. My irritation just got worse and worse as they wipe the table, mop the floor, and ignoring me like nothing happened. EXCUSE ME?? If only I can shout and complain like a normal irate customer would do. I was very pissed, but also a part of me does not want to make it a big deal. The manager approached us, offered some tissues, and said, “Nabasa po ba lahat?” I honestly wanted to shoot him a sarcastic answer but I just gave him a short insincere laugh and said, “Actually, hindi ko nga alam kung anong nangyari eh. Bigla na lang akong nabuhusan ng tubig.” I can discern that he is clueless and might be thinking that I was the one who spilled the water on myself. Nonetheless, no apology was said. 

From what happened to me today, I got to reflect some things. So far, everytime something unpleasant happens to me, I try to immediately pray and ask the Lord what is He teaching me from it. 

I know I have all the reason to be pissed. I wanted to blame everything to that clumsy waiter. I wanted him to apologize, thinking that might have eased my raging emotions. In my mind, I paid more than three hundred bucks and all I get was 10% good food and 90% bad customer service. And the list will just pile up. In short, I was very very disappointed. 

After being comforted by my friends (which I super appreciated - you’re always awesome, guys!) and calmed down in a while, the Holy Spirit started speaking to me: Was I too self-entitled to expect the waiter to say sorry before forgiving him? Was I too proud not to accept the manager’s offered tissue as an apology already? Was I too ungrateful to realize that it was only water that spilled and not some smelly vinegar or soy sauce? that my notebook is still relatively whole and most pages are not totally wet? that I got to taste the restaurant’s lechon (yes, it was good!) and got to fellowship with my friends?

Then after a poof!, pow!, bam!, wapak!, the Lord revealed the true nature of my heart. I was self-entitled, proud, and ungrateful. OUCH. Even though I did not shout at the waiter/ the manager and made a scene, my mind and my heart wanted to. I was so angry for the wrong reasons and I know it was not pleasing to the Lord. 

“It’s not about you anymore.“ I often hear this statement from preachers, yet the way it echoed to me today struck me real hard. It is not easy to “die to yourself“ and let the Spirit control you. In fact, “Christianity is not difficult, it is impossible!” as Pastor Peter Tan-chi often says - which is why we need the power of the Holy Spirit. When we surrendered our life to Christ, we are ought to live not for ourselves anymore but to live for Jesus. The Spirit enable us to do this as we allow Him to fill us everyday and do His will in our lives.

If I was just Spirit-filled earlier today, maybe I could have done better than pouting and letting my pride take over. Maybe I could have taken the opportunity to minister to that waiter by showing forgiveness unconditionally. Maybe I could have comforted my heart with so many other good things instead of lingering to one bad incident. 

Today was actually IDC’s (Intentional Discipleship Conference) Day 2 and I was really overwhelmed by 4 sessions of intense messages from Francis Chan, Josh McDowell, and Sean McDowell. I have so many notes and takeaways. Yet one major thing I realized after everything that happened is that, listening/hearing is one thing but doing/applying it is another. 

“Let us be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” James 1:22. 

I know I could have done something better today and it was really a hard lesson for me. I am still a work-in-progress and I realized how I need to fully depend on God everyday of my life. Every step is a test and every trial is an opportunity to grow and improve. How I hope and pray that everyone of us, believers, would keep on walking in the Spirit each and every day.

#ChristianWalk #BeSpiritFilled #IDC2019 

[howkennafall]

How Can I Forgive When It Hurts

One of the hardest question any person will encounter. Anywhere you go, you are faced with people who will inevitably hurt you, disappoint you, or even harm you emotionally/physically. It's everywhere. Since this world is full of imperfect people, it is actually a daily encounter to be faced with a decision - should I forgive this person? Ang hirap magpatawad kasi masakit. At dahil nasaktan ka, parang gusto mong maramdaman din nung taong yun ang sakit na naramdaman mo. The question is, is that reasonable enough to also hurt the other person and get even?

But what if... Hindi naman ako nasaktan, paano ako magpapatawad? Eeeenk. #Denial yan, friend. That's what I thought all through these years. Because with me, it's different. I don't like conflict. So feeling ko parang wala naman akong ganoong kagustuhan na gumanti. But I tend to be indifferent when someone hurts me or offends me. Tipong, yaan mo na. Baka may problema lang sya or pinagdadaanan kaya iintindihin ko na lang. O kaya limutin na natin kasi past na din naman yun. In a way, I realized na di ko lang talaga ma-acknowledge na nahurt ako. So parang lumipas na ang mahabang panahon, im still not sure if I have really forgiven the person.

Today, a devotion from Intouch.org showed me na yung pag iignore and paglimot is actually not a genuine forgiveness. Grabe noh? I was led to check my heart then. Have I really genuinely forgiven the people that hurt me?

You know what. It really starts with acknowledging that you have been hurt, yet inspite of that, you will release that person with the obligation na dapat mabawi nya yung wrong nya sakin or for me to get even.

If you are a Christian, you might be thinking you know this already. We have already been forgiven by God and so we also need to forgive others. Well, easier said than done! It's one thing that you know this by mind, and it is another thing when you know this by heart and by experience. Jesus said, we have to forgive "up to seventy times seven" which means we forgive every single time you're wronged. (Matt. 18:22)

Nakakapagod ito if we will rely on our own strength. Because we cannot. Our ego and pride would surely get the spotlight. To make things worse, if we hold onto our anger and bitterness, we might think we are punishing the wrongdoer. But do you know that you are just actually hurting yourself?

To help us have a clearer understanding of Genuine Forgiveness, below are my notes from my devotion this morning:

Forgiveness is NOT:

❌ Finding reasons to justify or excuse the offender's behavior

❌ Just forgetting what happened

❌ Or just pretending it never occurred

Genuine Forgiveness is:

✔️To acknowledge the wrong that has been committed

✔️ To choose to release the offender of any obligations towards you

✔️ To surrender our perceived right to hurt him or her back

Resentment is like a sludge that:

- contaminates the mind

- clogs the heart

- poisons the soul

Heart-check ❤️

Is there someone that comes into your mind when the topic of forgiveness would come up?

Have you really and genuinely forgiven those who offended you?

What do you think are the practical steps for you to forgive others as Christ has forgiven you?

----

Slowly, God is helping me to process my emotions and my decision to forgive. It's hard but only by God's grace nakakaya nating magpatawad. If we are reminded that we were forgiven by God, anong karapatan nating hindi magpatawad? :)

If you haven't experienced God's forgiveness in your life and it seems like meron kang feeling na "I dont think mapapatawad pa ako ni God dahil sa sobrang dami kong kasalanan". Let me tell you friend that if God's love and forgiveness is an ocean, we are all sinking. You know what is the greatest news, Jesus already died for you!! For all of your sins - past, present, and even future sins! Because of His love for us, God sent His son to die on the cross. This is so we could gain forgiveness from God through Jesus' blood. What you need to do is accept what Jesus did for you, receive His forgiveness, and repent from your sins. There is no other way better than to live a life free from guilt and condemnation - because of God's love and forgiveness!!

Reference: https://www.intouch.org/read/magazine/daily-devotions/an-unforgiving-spirit

[howkennafall]

Wala Na

Sa gitna ng kadilimang tinatahak ng aking mga paa

Sa tinig ko'y may makakarinig pa ba?

Maririnig pa ba niya? Ang mga tulo ng luha

Mga hikbi at pait

Na aking nadarama?

Alam ko

Nag iba ang mundo niya

Naging mas makulay para sa kaniya

Mas naging masaya

Mas naging masigla

Simula nang

Mawala ako

Siguro nga

Ako yung sumira ng maganda niyang mundo

Ako ang nagbigay ng pag aalala sa kanya

Ako ang nagbigay ng pagsisisi sa kanya tuwing siya'y nagkakamali

Ako ang nagbigay ng lungkot sa kanya kapag nalulungkot ako

Ngayon, wala na ako

Wala na siyang dapat pang ikabahala

Wala na siyang dpat ipag alala pa

Wala na ang taong pasaway at nananakit

Wala na yung taong nagpapaiyak sa kanya

Kasi, wala na ako Sa buhay niya

[howkennafall]

StarGazing

Miles away A star shines You look my way I can’t define You glimmer I shiver Hopes guessing A smile lurking Then reality breaks in Tears blend in She looked your way You shiver I closed my eyes You’re just too far. Should be no surprise; Shouldn’t be too hard I know she’s amazing For a star to gaze And I can’t be her For you to gaze. - 12/22/2014 || 11:37PM

[howkennafall]

Little Mermaid

The sunset witnessed the first time we met as I watch the lonely ocean in your eyes. Were you really that sad?

I maybe a stranger to you. But to me, you are not. Every tide and wave in this ocean might have already seen my deep admiration for you - even though it was only from afar. 

You were beyond what my eyes can see. I know it. I feel it. Your beautiful soul glows as you smile and care for the people around you. Yes, I admit. I would always calm my heart whenever I find myself staring at you. 

I've always wanted to be close to you. And now, I am here. I am happy. But I wonder. Are you happy too?

You are a funny thing, do you know that? You make me laugh without a warning and you do it effortlessly. I guess, I can really be this happy with you. And I want you to know that. 

After all of these, I know that I have loved you. I would always will. But..did it matter to you? No, I guess it didn't...and it wouldn't. 

                                            ---------------------------

To be with you, I sacrificed something precious to me and it costed it my heart - because losing you would likewise make me feel empty. Yet sadly, you did not choose me. You chose someone else. You chose her instead of me. A girl with a smile who makes you blush. A girl with a laugh you would always want to hear every day of your life. You love her and I love you. 

Yes. I love you - that is why I cannot take your life nor your happiness for my own good. You are my life. Your happiness is my happiness - even if it's not with me. 

So I waited. Through my tears, I saw you smile - at her, and not at me. But I smiled because I know it's time. The right time had come for me to disappear - to you and to everyone else. After several blobs, I turned into foam.

Do not worry. I am happy. 

My tears are taken now by the sea of love and the wind of loneliness.

Because I was never Cinderella. 

I am Little Mermaid.

[howkennafall]

Saying “I love you” is always easy but actually showing and proving it is another thing

[howkennafall]

My song to the mountains

[howkennafall]

There..

I want to go somewhere. Somewhere I can be by myself. I want to be in some place where I can see the ocean everyday. It's a place where I can sail a boat at night with the stars watching over me and I, watching them back. I want to smell the night ocean air with silence covering my every hum and song. I want to write a poem with a candlelight by my side as seabirds fly above me. I want to sing to the fishes and to the sand beneath my feet.  As I lay myself on a hammock under a tree as the sun hides itself behind the horizon, I will think of you. Then I will smile because I miss you and I know you're missing me too. I want to spend a night at the seashore as I sit beside the small bonfire I made myself. Then, I will sing songs about you and with the way you say my name. I will feel happy as I remember my memories of you. 

I wish I could be there in that place right now. 

Because right now, I can't. 

Because today I am at my room and all I can see are city lights. Noise of honking cars and passing trains are around - I can't barely hear my humming. I sing but all I can do is cry. I miss you and I know you're not missing me. I spend all the night thinking of someone who doesn't exist and it hurts me. I don't even have any memories of you because my mind has already erased all of them. No - I'm wrong. There is even nothing to erase because there is none. Nothing. You are no one. You are just an idea - a thought I wish exists. It hurts. It's painful. Because everything about you was all from my imagination. All my feeling and all my emotions for you are just in vain. 

They say I might be insane. They say I am crazy. They say I am a fool for waiting for you. I am waiting for someone I do not even know or might not meet someday.

I am not sure but I am hopeful. I smiled. Would there be any chance to meet you or not - I will surely be happy. The Lord will make me happy. In the midst of these city lights, passing train and honking cars, I sing again. I hum again. I close my eyes and imagine that place as I think of you. I go to that place again - a place only inside my mind.