What does your child want to do when he grows up?
Years ago, as a twenties-something kid, I offered parenting advice to my college senior Jo (older to me by a decade and already highly accomplished in her chosen field) and without batting an eyelid she said, "Hari, I too was an expert on parenting until I had my own child!"
I always recall her words when I am tempted to offer unsolicited advice to young parents. I refrain from giving advice to people but sometimes I find it difficult to remain silent when family members or close friends are taking the longer route—and I feel that I can offer immediate assistance that might make the journey easier for them. It could well be an aggrandized view of my perception but if it turns out to be helpful to them, what’s the harm?
I furtively enter the risky zone now. Offering counsel unasked. About parenting. Despite the fact that I have spent close to half my life living alone and have zero experience raising a child. Despite not being an expert in any field and offering a limited, South India-centric view. What I miss in erudition and experience I daresay are made good by my perspective, which is unattached and counterintuitive.
After having lain bare all these disclaimers before you, I shall proceed to share some ideas and opinions that some of you might find valuable.
It might help if you read this with an open mind.
When your son or daughter reaches high school, a pesky question raises its ugly head: What should my child study after twelfth? In other words, what kind of profession will he pursue after his education? Or more specifically, will he make loads of money pursuing the said profession?
If this question is asked early, it results in enrolling the child in intense tuition classes from Class 8 (typically in the sciences). And in most other cases, it is nearly impossible to avoid this question after the Class 10 board examination results are out.
If the Class 10 results are favourable, you gently coax your child into taking science (possibly Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, and Biology, so that options are open); if not, commerce—and worst case, the arts. Having taking science, if his Class 12 results are favourable (perhaps after his traversing a grisly array of tuition classes and mock tests), you sell the idea of taking engineering or medicine; if not, a BSc. in Physics, Mathematics, or the life sciences (invariably followed by an MSc. and a PhD. as well). Even in engineering and medicine, you have a hierarchy of choices that eventually leads to a master’s degree. And having taken commerce, if your child has done well in Class 12, the next step is a Bachelor of Commerce alongside preparing to become a Chartered Accountant. If your child takes arts and does well, he is expected to study law or at least a master’s in psychology or English. The Indian antidote to an “unimpressive” bachelor's degree is a Master's in Business Administration (MBA). In most cases, it is deemed useful to have an MBA as a backup. Compounded with these calculations is the question: Which college is best suited for the purpose? In India or abroad—and if the latter, US or Europe?
What, pray, is the grand outcome of all these machinations?
A well-paying job that eventually leads to a well-endowed spouse.
When parents say that there is “scope” in a certain field, what they mean is that their child will get better salaries, which seems to directly translate into finding the right partner for marriage.
Now, I have a few questions for you:
Are these calculations and machinations effective?
Will this approach ensure that children land up with high-paying jobs and good partners?
Will this approach work over the years? And across generations?
Are the children able to manage expectations well?
And more importantly, are they happy with their lives?
If you answer “Yes” to most of these questions, the “go with the flow” approach has indeed led to the ultimate objective and it is unlikely that the rest of this piece will strike a chord with you.
If you answer “No” to most of these questions, then you might agree with me that there is a more rational approach to this question than the arbitrary one people typically follow.
To arrive at that, we must look at life as a whole.
What are the parameters that determine a good quality life?
These are so widely known that it might appear silly to enumerate them. At the risk of reiterating the obvious, I shall list out ten things that are essential for human life. It may be easier to think of them in pairs: Health and Wealth, Work and Leisure, Nature and Culture, Ethics and Altruism, People and Self.
Under each of these parameters, I’ve listed a few questions that you probably ask yourself already—or will do well to ask yourself at some point:
Health: How is my physical and mental wellness? What am I doing to ensure that I am healthy—walking, yoga, exercise, sports? Do I have strong immunity? How is my emotional resilience? Can I walk a mile or climb a flight of stairs without panting? How often do I fall sick, and with what ailment? Have I been able to find a solution to typically recurring maladies?
Wealth: How is my financial stability? Do I have sufficient liquid funds? What about assets, investments? How is my risk appetite? Have I made provisions for emergencies? Do I have health insurance? Do I have a well-designed financial plan? How many months can I survive if I lose my job?
Work: Have I attained expertise in some field? Am I able to add value to people’s lives and thereby generate revenue from the marketplace? Do I have the basic work ethic of hard work, focus, adaptability, clarity of thought, market awareness, innovation, etc.? Am I constantly upgrading my knowledge in my chosen domains?
Leisure: Do I spend moments of recreation either with a hobby (arts and crafts, gardening, swimming, reading, socialising, etc.) or with pets or nature? Do I have sufficient time away from the screen?
Nature: Am I eco-friendly? Do I spend some time with nature? Do I think about the environment before taking minor or major decisions?
Culture: Do I have a strong cultural identity? Do I practice a certain faith? Do I wear the clothes, speak the language, and eat the food that is part of my culture? What about music, dance, ritual, celebration, etc.? Do I know most of the cultural practices and customs of my particular community?
Ethics: Am I aware of the laws of the land? Do I have a moral compass? Do I have the basic traits of integrity, compassion, purity, self-control, and freedom from anger, violence, jealousy, greed, etc.? Am I fulfilling all my duties – at the level of self, family, workplace, and society?
Altruism: Am I helping people in need? Do I give money to charities? Do I spend time with people to mentor them?
People: Do I have a good family life? Have I built deep emotional connections with my immediate family members and close friends? Have I inculcated good values in my children? Do I have a strong social network of relatives, friends, colleagues, and associates?
Self: Am I clear about my expectations (from work, from family, from friends, etc.)? Do I have a good estimate of my abilities and opportunities? Do I have a well-designed plan for self-improvement? Where do I see myself in the next three, five, seven years?
You can add to this list, or perhaps even prune it—but I think you will mostly agree that collective human wisdom has more-or-less shown us that these details are important if we want to lead a good quality life.
Given that life comprises so many factors, do you think it is wise to emphasise marks–money–marriage at the cost of everything else?
Let’s go back to our initial question: What should my child study after twelfth? An oft-ignored parameter in providing an answer to this question is: What is my child’s svadharma?
For those of you who have not heard this Sanskrit word, sva-dharma means “that which is aligned to one’s temperament” or, in this case, “a profession or activity that is best suited to a person’s innate abilities, interests, and training.”
Svadharma is a function of the individual—and not of money, potential spouse, fame, or any other external factor. The opposite of sva-dharma is para-dharma, which is, in this context, “a profession or activity that is not compatible with one’s abilities, interests, and training.”
Often, paradharma is quite alluring to pursue and that is the reason Krishna warns Arjuna in the Bhagavad-gita—not once but twice—that it is best to follow svadharma. In fact, pursuing paradharma can be dangerous because it takes into considerations factors other than the individual (glamour, money, fame, etc.)
When the question “What is my child’s svadharma?” is posed to you, these are some answers you might give:
I myself don’t know what my svadharma is; how the hell am I going to guide my children?
My daughter has no idea what she wants to do. She will do what her BFF likes to do.
It’s easier said than done; how in the world should I find out what my son will be interested in for the rest of his life?
My children know what they want to pursue but they have no talent.
My son excels at a skill that is socially “not so cool” but will generate decent wealth; will he ever find a girl to marry?
My daughter is clear what she likes but she can’t earn a penny doing that; how will she survive?
Obviously a short essay cannot solve all problems of growing children but I can present some general findings of great thinkers that might be relevant to you. But before that, let me share my personal experience of trying to find my svadharma and how my parents facilitated the process.
As a seven-year-old child, when my father’s friend Ganesh Pai asked me what I wanted to be, I wrote “Magician” on the piece of paper he gave me. Clearly I was influenced by him at that time because he was a performing magician and I was impressed with magic tricks.
I joined Sishu Griha in Class 2 and all through my school-days, teachers were excellent to the extent that there was no subject that I was averse to—just subjects that I was drawn more to than others. More often than nought, I was pulled up for my fanatic interest in certain subjects rather than bad performance.
During my middle school years, I was obsessed with studying about the human body—the components of blood, heart hormones, functioning of the brain, the incredible power of the liver, and so forth. And coupled with my infatuation with Sherlock Holmes, I thought Forensic Medicine would be the perfect field for me. During my high school years, I began going to my aunt Geethamani for Mathematics lessons and since she was an excellent teacher, I began taking a deep interest in Math and Physics. By the time I reached Class 10, I was star-struck with astrophysics. This mania continued through my pre-university days. I would go to the J N Planetarium in Bangalore to attend classes, I frequented the Indian Institute of Science and Raman Research Institute to listen to special lectures, wrote e-mails to astrophysicists in the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (and even got a response!), gave a presentation in the St. Joseph’s College Physics Club about Gamma Ray Bursts, and used all my internet allowance looking at images from outer space instead of drooling after supermodels in bikinis.
After I finished Class 12, I wanted to take a year off. While my mother was sceptical about it, my father actually welcomed the idea. I told them that I want to take the time off to explore subjects that I had been dabbling with – philosophy, languages, music, graphology, literature, public speaking, photography.
During my sabbatical year, I enrolled for IIT-JEE coaching (mostly as a subterfuge but I learnt a lot during my time at BASE), met scientists and engineers to discuss about my future plans (who unanimously suggested that I take up engineering if I was really interested in science), spoke to some of my relatives about it (who largely suggested either computer science or mechanical engineering), and basically gathered data about what would be the next course of action for me. My parents initiated some of these interactions and in other cases, it was my own interest.
Finally, I decided, for better or for worse, I would pursue mechanical engineering. Engineering meant that my classmates would be a better bunch than if I did a BSc. in Math or Physics; mechanical engineering because I liked drawing and machines (plus I was accounting for the slump in the software world as a result of 9/11).
I liked a few subjects like Engineering Mathematics, Machine Drawing, and Organisational Behaviour but in general, I got bored of engineering after two years. But having taken up the course, I completed my degree in the stipulated four years. When I realised that mechanical engineering was not my cup of tea, I took a job as a software programmer with Infosys because I learnt that they taught coding from the basics—and at their cost. After getting trained in the basics of programming followed by a specialisation in Java over a four-month period in their remarkable Mysore facility, in less than three months I got bored of working as a coder. But I had signed a bond that I would work for a year, so I stayed on till December.
In the years that followed, I must have dabbled in no less than five different professions—and even then it wasn’t easy to pin-point what I really liked to do for the rest of my life.
What I did realise at some point was that my reaction to things were often in binary. There were things I was obsessed with that gave me great joy and there were things that I got bored doing that I couldn’t sustain even if it was irresistibly lucrative. I liked to be free, read a lot, play the violin, and spend my time with smart people—it mattered little how much I earned, what others thought about me, if I would get recognition, or impress a girl.
In the quest after my svadharma, I seem to have been creative (sometimes unwittingly) and the reason I attribute to this creativity is that I was not afraid of taking a chance, going wrong, experimenting multiple times. Clearly, we can’t come up with anything original if we are not ready to make mistakes (See Ken Robinson’s book).
While this goes to show that one’s svadharma need not necessarily be physics or law, armed forces or music, most parents would like to know what exactly their child wants to pursue—and if that choice is a prudent one.
Professional life requires certain basic life skills that include hard work, focus, resilience, meticulousness, networking, problem-solving, decision-making, and so forth. Irrespective of the profession, these fundamental skills are necessary. Either the parents or the teachers or a third party “life coach” can teach these skills. Without this, knowing your svadharma doesn’t amount to much.
It is only over and above these basics does the awareness of svadharma matter. While there is no easy way to identify svadharma, there are a few things that you can easily do.
During the summer vacations after Class 8 (an optimal age, when he will be 13 or 14), give the following brief to your child:
A. Introspection – Stage 1
Take a sheet of paper, write the date, take an hour off, and answer these questions: What activities in the last week, last month, and last year did I really enjoy the most? In those activities, was I particularly good at something? What are the things I am able to do easily that people around me find difficult?
[Note to parent: Feel free to add/subtract questions that you find relevant. Also, if you can rope in one or two more children (no more than four)—your sibling’s children or your child’s classmates—to do this as a joint project, it might be more exciting for them.]
B. Aptitude Test
There are several aptitude tests and strength-finder quizzes available online and offline. I will identify a few for you. Try them out over the next week.
[Note to parent: Go online and pick a few aptitude tests. Don’t hesitate to pay a small sum for it. In addition, you may also consult a career coach at some point.]
C. Discussions with Professionals
Have you identified a few areas of interest and ability? I will introduce you to a few of my friends who work in these areas. They are professionals who are successful in their job and have a passion for it. I will take you to meet them but I will not speak. You have a free-wheeling conversation with them about their job. Also ask a few specific questions: Why do you love your job? What does your typical day look like? How is life for a fresher vs. life after a decade of work? What are the high-points and low-points of your job? What would you do if you were not in this profession? How would you adapt if AI were to take over your job? After every discussion, write down three or four things that stood out from the discussion.
[Note to parents: Needless to say, you must identify the right people. Never mind if it is not a direct contact—if need be, pull your friends’ contacts or request your father-in-law. Also, feel free to tweak the questions. Here again, it might be more efficient if two or three children went together to meet with the professional and then later discussed amongst themselves about the interaction.]
D. Introspection – Stage 2
In the last two weeks, you have spoken to five professionals and written down some things that stood out. Now, take a sheet of paper, write the date, and answer the same questions you first answered. Are there any differences in your responses?
[Note to parents: Scrutinise the two introspection pages. Can you see a difference? Think about what are the next steps that will help your child think about this by himself. This exercise should ultimately lead to your child taking responsibility for his choices.]
We all have some innate abilities and interests. If we build a certain kind of intelligence that is aligned to our innate abilities and interests, that will translate into expertise through training; this will make us valuable in the workplace.
Intelligence is not static but is constantly developing (See Geoff Colvin’s book). Intelligence is of different kinds: logical/analytical, verbal/linguistic, spatial, body-kinaesthetic, musical, inter-personal, intra-personal, and naturalistic. (See Howard Gardner’s book). Once you help your child identify the type of intelligence he has and wishes to develop, find a mentor/guru who can help your child.
As your child develops his specific intelligence, he should also be on the lookout for the different professions where his skills can be used. This increases the possibilities of finding a good job – one that pays well, helps him improve as a professional, consists of good co-workers, is not too far from home, puts him in a state of flow (See Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s book), etc.
If your child has multiple interests, help him hone different types of intelligence such that the possibility of his finding a good job increases. He might also end up starting an enterprise with his friends. Or at least he will have a solid hobby that makes his leisure much more active (e.g. painting, cycling, singing) rather than passive (e.g. watching a film, eating, going for a drink).
Is there any guarantee that all this will work? No, but at any rate I think this is a more rational way to approach the problem than the “go with the flow” one. Having a plan is better than having no plan. Having a well-thought-out plan is better than having just a plan.
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” —John Lennon
Reading List for the Parents
These books are in no way meant to be authoritative texts on the subjects nor are they exhaustive in any way. I just made a quick list of books that I have gone through over the years that I found useful (and also sneaked in a few books that I have worked on!) You can peruse through the ones that tickle your interest.
Health
Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life by Héctor García and Francesc Miralles
Wealth
The Psychology of Money: Timeless Lessons on Wealth, Greed, and Happiness by Morgan Housel
Work
Talent is Overrated: What Really Separates World-Class Performers from Everybody Else by Geoff Colvin
Multiple Intelligences: New Horizons in Theory and Practice by Howard Gardner
Flow: The Psychology of Happiness by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Leisure
Shallows: How the Internet is Changing the Way We Think, Read and Remember by Nicholas Carr
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
Nature
Walden by Henry David Thoreau
Culture
Indian Culture by S Srikanta Sastri translated by S Naganath
A Concise Encyclopaedia of Hinduism (3 volumes) by Swami Harshananda
Ethics
Your Dharma and Mine by Shatavadhani R Ganesh translated by Hari Ravikumar
The New Bhagavad-Gita translated by Koti Sreekrishna and Hari Ravikumar
Altruism
Altruism: The Science and Psychology of Kindness by Matthieu Ricard
People
Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson by Mitch Albom
Shiva Rama Krishna by Shatavadhani R Ganesh, adapted into English by Hari Ravikumar
Self
Man's Search for Meaning by Victor E. Frankl
Finding Your Element: How to Discover Your Talents and Passions and Transform Your Life by Sir Ken Robinson with Lou Aronica
The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch and Jeffrey Zaslow
Acknowledgements: This essay is a result of an intense discussion I had with my friends Somashekhara Sharma and Srishan Thirumalai a few days back. Thanks to them for their observations and inputs, particularly Soma who went through multiple drafts of this essay and gave me great suggestions. When I shared this piece with my parents—Dr. M V Ravikumar and Prof. Hema Ravikumar—they wrote back saying something to the effect of “Good to know that we raised you boys the right way.” Much of what I have written are drawn from my observation of how my parents raised my brother and me.
