one temporary escape

[htotheizzo]

There comes a point in your life you need to stop reading other people's stories and write your own.

Albert Einstein

[htotheizzo]

Gratitude

Blessed to be surrounded by a group of people that makes me feel grateful after every meet-up. Thankful to have people in my life that encourage me in my future endeavours and also contributing suggestions. I feel loved knowing that people see good things in me and appreciate it even though I rarely see them at times.

[htotheizzo]

an ode to freedom

Wise men say, only fools rush in - but I can’t help falling in love with you.

This is exactly how I feel about the #girlboss life. I want you so badly but I am haunted by the ghosts of my mind, plagued by pitiful remarks of myself, paralysed by indecision, fatigued with choices (or lack of it). Paraphrased thoughts of “I probably made a hasty decision to leave the steady #agencylife” is also nothing new.

Which made me realise…

The human mind is a powerful machine. It is an unforgiving place. When you tell yourself harsh and hateful things that you think are true but then your tear ducts go on emotional overdrive, you know something’s wrong. Sticks and stones may break bones, but words cut deeper than a knife. Would I say any of this to the ones I care about? Does this mean I don’t care about myself enough? Will I ever be proud of myself?

I could go on listing down the rational things that I tell myself on the regular and in previous posts (that I’m okay, I’ll be fine, I am capable), but I’m tired and need to break out of this cycle.

I guess the new rational thing I would like to address is: I hate you Aunt Flo, I really do. Each time I cry this hard, I tell my cycle to hurry up so that you come sooner than later.

Quote Annie, the sun will come out tomorrow. I’ll be okay in a couple of hours.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Whatever you do, don’t run back to what broke you.

Frank Ocean  (via thatkindofwoman)

As mentioned in my previous #purrsonal post, I lost myself for a second. Nevertheless, coming across this Frank Ocean quote has made me persist to be steadfast in my belief career-wise: that the agency life sucked the life out of me, that selling your soul to the company for money is painful and to live for the weekends is not something that I solely rely on.

[htotheizzo]

a weekend well spent brings a week of content

i felt that way on my flight back from SIN city (i.e: Singapore). i did promise myself to go to bed straight after coming home and cleaning myself up (which is supposed to be now) because i may be susceptible to illnesses with a vulnerable immune system due to lack of sleep, but i feel compelled to write what went on around me and inside my head before doing anything else. travels and journeys never fail to inspire me to write or discover new things about myself... and honestly? something’s been bugging me so i need to get it out of my system.  

for the average Malaysian, i travel to the Lion City pretty often. in fact, too often that i always garner reactions that go somewhere along the lines of:

“again?! weren’t you there a few months ago?”

apart from the fact that the value of the MYR is dwindling against the SGD and the very fact that Singapore has a high standard of living, i feel happy each time i visit the Little Red Dot. i totes understand and respect people’s opinions about loving/hating the country especially if they’re Malaysian, but i’m not going to talk about them - i’m here to talk about me, myself and i! i could go there almost every weekend and still have a never-ending list of places to visit and activities to indulge in. i can walk alone after sunset and still make it alive to my next destination(s). heck, i can even enter a club alone and not have anyone disturb me!

i guess you could say that my trip this time is special because it’s my first time travelling... with one of my favourite people. fun fact: nobody in my dating archives has given me their time of the day or set aside some pocket money to go on a holiday with me, be it near or far - until this weekend. also, to travel to one of my favourite cities with one of my favourite people makes a pretty wicked recipe for a weekend well spent :) despite not following 50% of what i had planned, i was taken by surprise when i was thanked for choosing places to go and things to do. this brings me to my next thought.

another thing that i rediscovered about myself is that i do take awhile to warm up to people, especially those that possibly have an expectation of me. i was glad that i warmed up to K’s friends even though i was fidgety and kept zoning out of their conversations at first - it’s like that feeling when you’re warming up your car at home and you’re frustrated from waiting for your phone to download the latest information on the traffic up date but it’s so slow because you’re in between your house wifi and the outside world of 3G/4G/LTE aka The No Man’s Network Land. why i initially thought that they have an expectation of me is that i wasn’t sure what K’s friends are like since they’re mostly of the same faith as K and i don’t know what they think about dating someone who is a non-believer. i used to get that nagging feeling that i would not be accepted by the community, but they took me by surprise and have been rather welcoming. i mean, we’re all adults here and should be able to make our own decision without other cooks spoiling our broth, right? 

plenty of things went our way (or at least mine) this trip around, but for some reason it lacked something. i can’t put my finger on what it is exactly - is it the fact that i did not purchase anything over the weekend and spent money solely on F&B and transportation? was it because i only crossed out one cafe from my never-ending Singapore bucket list? was it because i was only there for one night (although i’m no stranger to this itinerary)? i won’t be able to tell so soon. but whatever it is, i left Singapore not feeling too sad about it. it’s probably because i have a gut feeling that i’ll be back for the F1 weekend assuming that we’d win tickets to the afterparty... or has my hype for Singapore died down? okay, scratch the last possibility. i’d love to return to Singapore in a heartbeat and i’m currently having withdrawal syndrome. perhaps it’s because of the next thing i’m going to talk about.

---

R E A L I T Y

i think the bigger issue that has recently been bugging me is the lack of income. it’s been 4 months since my final day at my former workplace, and to put it bluntly, i’ve done f*ckall to obtain a constant stream of income. i’m probably being too harsh on myself because i did say i wanted to take a break from work, i do have savings, i do hustle in the form of selling what i have lying around at home which i no longer love, but we all know that if output is bigger than input, my savings is going to eventually run out. i have commitments to pay off and i’d rather not crawl up to my dad/brothers asking for money. we’ve all witness the nasty possibilities that could come in between money and family, so i want to minimise all that. people think that i’m living the taitai life or that i’m jetsetting the world but really, i’m just winning contests which covers a portion of the travel expenses and i don’t have a job, which makes taking the next plane to wherever possible. it’s also ironic how my Snaps have inspired people to travel... even though i do have things nagging at me at the back of my head. 

there’s also the misconception that people think i’m bumming around but life goes on, errands pile up, meet-ups still occur so there’s always something to do. on top of that, i read and research and discuss with K about a lot of things, the possibilities of the world wide web and social media. we exchange so many content and articles and ideas and we know what to do and not what to do. i have a general direction of where i want to go and what i want to do, which is definitely to not work for others for the time being. that could only mean one thing: be my own boss. my only problem is having the discipline to start something, be it from the fact that i have a huge self-doubt, decision paralysis or just expecting things to go as planned aka perfectionism aka being plain lazy. 

i’m hoping that i would muster enough courage and energy to start SOMETHING this week. i have the tools and plenty of validation to begin, but i just need my own worst critic to begin a challenging yet exciting journey of my life.

not sure if i’ve said all that i wanted to say prior to starting this post but this pretty much covers most of what i thought about in the past two days. time to hermit now - bye!

[htotheizzo]

Someone I know is about to undergo a bone marrow transplant, and here I am angry at my eldest brother for being a dickhead.

I am such a petty person.

[htotheizzo]

getting this out of my system so i can get a move on with my life

i’ve been dissatisfied for an hour or two because:

it’s so difficult to get a scholarship, or if i am eligible for it, the deadlines have passed (re: MEXT scholarship)

i’m not getting any requests from Fiverr (freelance portal) - perhaps i need to work more on optimising my Gigs

i am tired of thinking about people from the past: my friends in my late teens/early adulthood; the One That Got Away

i am tired of consciously avoiding snaps of people i don’t want to see (hence i’ve removed one out of two of them)

i am tired of my self-inflicted anxiety

i just want to write/create

i thought Door A has been closed on me so i have been channeling my energy into Door B but plot twist: Door A reopened

other than that, i am blessed with friends (like my favourite Tako and J) who lives thousands of kilometres away yet leaves a message/replies my snaps every now and then, K who has been nothing but accommodating and encouraging about any type of plans be it what to eat or what career move should i do next, G who surprisingly still has me in thoughts even though G is currently an international dateline away and not exchanging a conversation in nearly a month (but will be back in this region soon!), more friends from yesteryears and family. i also under estimate certain skills of mine, like creating decent content, my knowledge of music and fashion (despite not considering myself as a fashion maven or someone know knows how to mix music).

i’m also getting better at deciding what to keep and throw away (even though certain things that i’ve decided to keep are questionable). currently going through my incredible plush toy collection and i also went through a bunch of old letters/cards from people who no longer matter in my life. they once mattered to me, conveyed their message through cards and notes, and they’ve done their jobs. thank you for making me, me.

dinner time.

[htotheizzo]

Feeling so alone

Must be PMS that's got me overthinking. Have a bunch of things to update but I'll do that later. Meanwhile I'll just log out of FB and stick to my other IG account (no friends, just strangers & influencers & celebrities). I get most updates about my friends through Snapchat and other personal messaging apps anyway.

[htotheizzo]

To the one that got away and got together with someone else

I may no longer be affected by this but I’m no longer a fan of you. From now until God knows when, I’m limiting all forms of contact with you. Meanwhile, I’ll enjoy my time with people that matter. Bye.

In other news: grateful for spending most of my day relaxing and sleeping in bed other than the few hours of entertaining the niece and decluttering; for that delicious burger at what I think has the best burgers in town; for finally having my favourite froyo after three weeks (never abstaining from froyo again!); for K for driving all the way to my neck of the woods even though we were supposed to meet somewhere in the middle but a sneezy and confused me thought we were meeting somewhere closer to my house and for staying up late even though we have an early start to the day in a few hours.

[grace--upon--grace]

Be selective in your battles. Sometimes peace is better than being right.

(via thatkindofwoman)

[htotheizzo]

Tired and lightheaded from having one meal in the past 27 hours but lemme show gratitude first

Grateful for finding and making happy pappy purchases that I can bring home such as the May issue of Mixmag magazine with Flume on the cover, a book about music psychology (finally!), a great deal on a pair of Swedish jeans, comfy palazzo pants, and a cute t-shirt that I bagged from Zara’s mid-year sale. Also thankful that out of the 9 items I tried on at Zara, I only brought home 1 (which is the aforementioned t-shirt). Call me materialistic but the KonMari project has made me realise that clothes and reading materials are the things that spark joy. Ironically, I find shopping a little less appealing… Until I find pieces that I incredibly like.

As much as I love music, realistically my vast and eclectic CD collection does not bring as much joy as compared to my Spotify playlists and SoundCloud discoveries. Yesterday, I’ve managed to reduce my CD collection to more than half of what it once was but after discovering joy in the form of a sensual techno DJ via SoundCloud, I know that my preference for techno and digital storage of music takes precedence over my CD collection which consists of rock and pop - genres which filled my world growing up - I know that I’d need another round of elimination to take place soon. Not only that, the only places I am able to listen to CDs is either in the car or around the house, which I’m not so keen about. I could potentially take the CD player from the living room into my bedroom, but we shall see about that. Also currently looking for places and faces to sell my CDs.

Also grateful that my niece has reached a stage where she makes my SIL take photos of her and demands that it gets sent to me. It seems that my KonMari project has also allowed my niece to be more comfortable with playing in my room, and it helps that I’ve found some old toys for her to play with. However, I feel bad for turning her down to play each time I need to declutter but baby, once I’m done dealing with all this junk, we’d have so much space to play in my room :)

Been feeling the effects of decision fatigue from all this decluttering but I know I have to face my past once and for all to make room for the present and future. I just need to power through all this colossal crap! I’m not even emotionally attached to the remaining items that need sorting out, but… So… Much… Irrelevant objects to deal with… Me no likey. Okay honestly it’s not much left but there are still a handful of categories to go through (e.g: valuables, cards, electronics, toys, sentimental items, just to name a few).

Can’t wait to get some things to decorate the room, i.e: a bean bag, a world map/a nice B&W image of London, a wire mesh grid (?); as well as some books I’ve been eyeing on at the bookstore today.

Despite the headache that's bringing me down and I know that I need to sleep this off, I'm actually pretty pleased with the current outcome of my decluttering project. I started in mid-May and things are looking up from here. I may still be jobless but I am thankful for that because I have more time to spend decluttering and reclaiming space. The clothes category has made me discover things I didn't realise (e.g: I don't make time for a lot of the skirts I use to own and I try to be more practical these days - goodbye frilly pieces!). I also find myself having more space to stretch when I go to bed, and feeling relaxed each time I wake up. I find it easier to turn down clothes at the store that don't spark joy even though the entire store is peppered with banners of "50% discount!". I may still be undecided between the two boys and miss the both of them but I may just come to terms with the fact that both spark joy in my life and that as a singleton, it's okay to hang out/date/whatever you call it these days with more than one person (thank you girlfriends for pointing that out). I still have categories of things ahead of me but reminders of why I want to declutter and the little victories that come with it is just what I need to feed myself with. Wish me luck!

[quotemadness]

To imagine - to dream about things that have not happened - is among mankind’s deepest needs.

Milan Kundera (via quotemadness)

[quotemadness]

Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.

Milan Kundera (via quotemadness)

[htotheizzo]

Vivid Dreams

It’s 4:38am and I’m just waiting around until 5am so that I can eat my pre dawn meal. I usually don't wake up earlier than 5am but I had a vivid dream which left me restless.

[htotheizzo]

Sometimes I wish I knew why I was sad, or why I’m crying when I’m not even having hormonal imbalances.

But I’m definitely feeling dissatisfied at the moment. On another note, I'm missing London and Singapore. I miss G and K (in no particular order).

[sunst0ne]

Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt.

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood (via sunst0ne)

[htotheizzo]

Post-Midnight Musings (080616)

In need of contact time with the bed and blanket but I need to get some things out of the system, such as things I’m grateful for and other less positive things:

I’m grateful for:

Time taken today to watch X-Men - I was told that it wasn’t one of the best movies but seeing that I follow the franchise since the first installation, it would feel weird if I missed this movie out. X-Men is one of, and probably my only favourite comic series which I don’t mind following closely. Plus, a movie with a stellar cast is worth watching. I guess I will always be undecided between Professor X and Magneto. Olivia Munn is also incredibly yummy.

Time spent at the bookstore - browsed through 2 new magazines (High Snobiety and Fantastic Man) and 2 books, as well as devouring Marie Kondo’s Spark Joy in just one sitting. Absolutely excited to continue my decluttering marathon especially after taking some papers out to be sorted and getting a rash patch just from doing that (that’ll teach me to declutter paper once and for all). Back to the time spent at the bookstore, I was absolutely thrilled when I observed that some youngins chose to spend their holiday sitting on the floors of the bookstores. This leads me to my next thing I’m grateful about...

The unexpected sales from my Carousell profile - In less than a week, I’ve managed to sell 2 books and a peplum skirt. I’m more ecstatic about the book sales because I thought kids in this day and age wouldn’t bother to read books, but these buyers proved me wrong. I’m more confident now about listing more books to sell and hope the momentum will continue in time to come :)

Time spent with my niece - I always have a whale of a time with her around :)

The little things that bug me:

Couples - I’m unsure whether it’s because I’m not one myself, but I got slightly annoyed when a couple who is one of the people I’m going to the GV Festival with has already made bookings for accommodation. To be fair, I didn’t pay attention to what the guy said when he said that he had already booked accommodation and suggested we book at the same place (I assumed he booked the place for all of us). It’s just strange that I felt annoyed because this guy is one of my closest pals and I’m on good terms with the girlfriend. I guess I also found their recent PDAs to be completely new (hence uncomfortable) to me even though I fully support them.

Speaking of people who have already made accommodation plans, I was also slightly unexcited when another friend of mine has already made plans with her friend even though I helped her book tickets for the festival. I guess a sense of entitlement got the best of me, huh? I guess I shall take the opportunity to seek a place to call my own for the next two nights then.

G’s low tolerance towards puns - while this only bugged me for just a few seconds, I wanted to put this down just so I completely rid my system of this irksome feeling. I fail to understand why people don’t enjoy puns. Is it not witty? Is it not something that makes you think, like the jokes you enjoy? I took the time to watch and appreciate the comedies you enjoy and you can’t even take any of my puns? Just a thought: it’d be sad if I got together with someone who doesn’t want to tolerate anything that I find hilarious.

I don’t want this thing with G to end - even though him not having any of it (the puns) kinda made me think about my Future Partner requiring the ability to appreciate puns/my humour as an important criteria, I do enjoy our time together and I love living vicariously through your playlist... and talking about it afterwards. Though honestly, if the Pun Issue did make or break my decision to choose between him or K, then it goes without saying that K makes a better candidate... BUT I’m not going to make any decisions about guys for now. Not at least until I’m mostly done with my decluttering marathon and have done something about making an income... as well as getting to know these guys better.

P.S: I don’t mean to sound upset at G, I really don’t. It doesn’t bother me much but it does make me think whether I can be with someone who doesn't get my humour. After all, I would like to date someone who is witty and has a good sense of humour. I get his humour but I just want to understand why he doesn’t get mine (or just the punny side of it).

I also realised that while my previous eye candy was one helluva good looking and too good to be true, his sense of humour only amused me once in awhile. Other than that, I only laughed whenever we exchanged conversations because I was amused at the things he did, rather than the things he said.

I still find myself a little discontented about aforementioned eye candy and his proclamation about not looking for anyone six months ago but currently dating someone who is way out of my league. But then again, I starting to see all of this as a blessing in disguise in spite of focusing on minimal contact with him (provided that we don’t bump into each other again around town). No regrets, just lessons learnt (e.g: guys are simple creatures. If they’re not talking to you, they’re just not thinking about you & birds of a feather flock together) :)