
if i look back, i am lost
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@http-reddie
straight up forgot fanart for fic isn't NDA so here's!!!! a drawing for the amazing reddie the martian au that still keeps me up at night like two months later
https://archiveofourown.org/series/1565464
âcontact with tozier!â
i made this lil thing for @rchtoziers masterpiece of a reddie fic, everyone go read it right fuckin now pls
https://archiveofourown.org/works/21348391/chapters/50847964
I read a reddie âThe Martianâ AU like. a year ago. and even now, I think about it at least once a day. it altered my brain chemistry in a way I can never explain. I canât remember who wrote it and I canât find it but. if that person is on here and if they see this I mean. I j need you to know that, that fic has literally been on my mind everyday since and that while I have moved into new fandom spaces since then, it has stuck with me.
UPDATE!! Itâs been found (already, ik!) if you wanna give it a read! itâs let me name the stars for you by @playedwright!! :D
I read a reddie âThe Martianâ AU like. a year ago. and even now, I think about it at least once a day. it altered my brain chemistry in a way I can never explain. I canât remember who wrote it and I canât find it but. if that person is on here and if they see this I mean. I j need you to know that, that fic has literally been on my mind everyday since and that while I have moved into new fandom spaces since then, it has stuck with me.
based on this ask that was sent to @sunshinereddie <3 itâs been rotting my brain since I saw it ;__; the smiths + reddie is my new obsession
bestie!! finally back in my homeland :) which
means I can now supply you with my latest reddie brainrot! this song is soooooo reddie coded
I cannot stop thinking about this idea where the Losers stay in touch (presumably w/o pennywise's amnesia cocktail) and keep up with each other despite moving away from Derry and going their separate ways. Like, they send letters and call all the time until email and texting becomes a thing. But despite being in love with each other Reddie never confesses anything to the other. There's too much too lose & the homophobia (both external & internal) is too hard to get past. So they stay best friends despite the distance.
-
It's all going fairly well, they keep contact and their lives are turning out pretty great. It all kind of goes down hill though. Bev still ends up with her abusive husband and eventually Eddie meets Myra. It was a huge point of contention between Eddie & Richie for a while. There was even a point where they didn't talk for months because Eddie was set on being with her and Richie was adamant that she was toxic and abusive. But they mutually decided that being out of each other's lives was too painful. Instead agreeing to not discuss her at all, so as to avoid any more spats.
It works out for the most part. Richie has a lot to talk about, what with his comedy career taking off and his adventures in working with celebrities. Not to mention trying out new material on Eddie. Or Eddieâs own rants about work and his latest de-stress hobby. It was enough to fill their conversations and keep Myra safely out of their mouths.
-
It isnât until Richie starts pulling away that the rest of the losers realize something is up. He hadnât contacted anyone in a couple weeks and they were starting to get worried. Bev was the first one to cave, calling him late at night for a check in, but he brushed off her questions and claimed to be busy with work. Two weeks later Stan calls and asks how heâs been, again, he dodges personal questions and ends the call after just ten minutes.
A few days later, a clip of one of Richieâs latest stand up gigs goes viral. Itâs crass and bordering on misogynistic, nothing like his previous work. It has millions of views and thousands of supportive comments from âdude brosâ who hate their girlfriends. The rest of the Losers are taken aback by the material presented to them. âThis is not the Richie Tozier we knowâ.
He doesnât return their calls.
A week after the video is released, Richieâs face is plastered across gossip tabloids alongside that of a pretty brunette girl. âTozier Tied Down?â takes up the upper half of the magazine in garish red font.
The headline haunts Eddieâs dreams, though he canât quite figure out why he feels sick to his stomach.
-
After about a month of radio silence Richie calls Bev and has a two hour heart to heart. Itâs filled with tears and confessions he never thought he would be able to get out.
âI love him. So much. Iâm so scared Bev, I donât know what to do.â
Bev sends out a text to the other Losers that Richie is kind of going through it, and to give him some space. They all comply, even though the thought of Richie going to Bev over him kind of kills Eddie. A few weeks later Richie sends a brief apology text and pretends like nothing happened. Bev sends a meme in the chat and just like that, everyone lets it go.
-
Things go back to normal for the most part. Richie starts calling Eddie again, avoiding his breakdown, and rants about the auditions heâd been doing. The rest of the Losers start checking in with Richie more too, not that theyâd admit it. Heâs secretly grateful for it. And, despite having to alter his public persona to be a fratty douche bag, Richie starts to feel like things are looking up for him.
That is, until Eddie proposes. Richie sends a simple congrats text, encouraged to do so by Stan and Bev, before going completely radio silent for almost a month. Eddie tries not to read too much into it, considering that Richie is a busy guy. But Richie just bounces back. Suddenly he's calling and texting Eddie with just as much enthusiasm as he always had, as if he hadn't fallen off the face of the earth for 3 weeks. Neither of them bring it up. After all, Richie was prone to avoidance.
This time is a little different though. Richie may still be enthusiastic, but his flirty little quips stop entirely. It shouldnât be a big deal to Eddie, and it isnât. Except that it is. Because half of Richieâs conversations involve flirting. Not just with Eddie, but all of the Losers. Itâs like an intrinsic part of his personality. Stan used to say that if Richie didnât throw a pick up line out every five minutes heâd die. So now, all their conversations are pretty brief. Just check ins, hardly any banter. It kills Eddie. But they make it work as best they can.
-
Over the next year, Richieâs face/name make more and more appearances in the tabloids. News of him going on dates with lost of pretty girls. Commentary on his new, overly vulgar stand up material. Speculation of hard drug use. When the Losers dare to ask about it, he brushes it off with an âall press is good pressâ. Bev is the only one who can get anything out of Richie. Eddie is both grateful to her and insanely jealous.
-
Two months before his wedding, Eddie asks Richie to be his best man, âI know you donât like her, but youâre my best friend. I need my best friend with me for this milestone man.â And of course Richie agrees. It kills him to help with what little wedding details still need to be finalized. And it takes absolutely everything in him not to scream how much he loves Eddie during his modest bachelor party. He spends those two months on the phone with Beverly almost every night, careful to stick to their agreed upon time. Last thing he needed was to get Bev in trouble with her psycho husband.
-
On Eddieâs wedding day he has a full on freak out. Heâs in his suit and flushed with anxiety, pacing around the room and messing up his hair. âI canât do this, god, what the hell am I doing?â.
Then Richie walks in. He immediately goes into âcalm Eddie downâ mode and gives him a long hug. It hurts more than heâd anticipated.
âI canât do this Richie, I have to call it off.â
âYou know you canât do that Eds, youâre just nervous. It happens man, itâs okay.â Richie pulls away to look Eddie in the eyes. Heâd mostly calmed down while they were hugging, but he still looks a mess. His anxiety seems to wane, and his eyes set into something hard and determined.
âGive me a reason to call this off Richie.â His hands start to shake on Richieâs hips, making him choke on his tongue. âW-what?â
âI said- I said give me a reason.â And boy does he want to. Richie has a list a mile long full of reasons Eddie should absolutely not marry Myra. Number one being that Richie loves him so much that it might kill him. But this isnât about him. Itâs about Eddie. And Richie canât let his feelings get in the way.
âEds, you want this. Youâve told me a million times. Youâre scared, and thatâs okay. Youâre scared but god, Eddie. Youâre braver than you think.â Thatâs enough to snap Eddie out of whatever breakdown he was having. He nods once, pulling back completely to try and fix his hair. Richie steps back, completely out of his space, feeling all at once like he can breathe again. Before he can consciously agree to it, he finds himself across the room. He mumbles out an excuse about getting Bev to help with his hair before all but sprinting out of the room.
-
He does it. Eddie gets married to Myra. And Richie feels like a hole has been punched through his chest. The rest of the night he sticks close to Stan and Bev, willing himself not to cry until he gets home. And cry he does. Alone in his modest one room apartment, he lays on his unmade bed in his wedding attire. He feels like his heart is actually, physically breaking in his chest.
When the silence gets to be too much, he turns on some music. Of course, in a moment of serendipity, the song that comes on is none other than âI Know Itâs Overâ by The Smiths. He canât help but laugh at the irony. The tears come rushing back as the song continues though. He spends the rest of the night in bed, wishing he were someone else. Anyone else.
-
Christ, that idea has been haunting me the entire time I was away. Sorry itâs not happier bestie ;__; </3 it was never going to be with that song choice but still :,]
-đŤ
HEY. THAT. WAS NOT NICE. đđđđđ
but oh my godâŚâŚâŚ this is so good. i honestly think that stuff like this isâŚ. MORE heartbreaking than the actual canon events of the 27 years in between ch1 and ch2. like yes yes forgetting about your childhood love and reuniting with him 27 years later only to find out that heâs already married (and then he dies) is TRAGIC,, but the idea of richie having to also go through all of that, him having to be there watching the love of his life âfall in loveâ with someone else, thatâs just absolutely heartbreaking. AND IT KILLS RICHIE, every single minute of it is like a knife stabbing into his heart, but like you said, he would never do anything to âruinâ eddieâs relationship because he doesnât want to let his own feelings dictate eddieâs life (even when eddie presents him with the chance to do so!!!!!!). itâs almost like, he loves eddie too much to confess his feelings.
oh man, this one hurts. but itâs exactly what i needed tbh, and iâve missed your reddie hcs in my inbox so much :D so welcome back !!!!! đđ
it takes a year for Richie to remember them. the bouts of sickness. (after everything that went down after their reunion, can you blame him for forgetting? I mean, Eddie almost died.)
and the only reason he remembers at all is Eddie throwing on a ratty little pair of running shorts. (heâs finally healed enough to get back into running without immediately feeling like heâs gonna keel over)
upon seeing them he waited for the sickness to come. bile rising in his throat, tears stinging behind his eyes, ragged shallow breathes⌠but it never comes.
those 27 years had consisted of a lot of deprivation. no running shorts in sight. definitely no inhalers, or Fanny packs, or Casio watches, or polos, or prescription medication, or soft serve, or hammocks, or even fucking The Cure. all of it, the fucking sight of it made richie physically sick. he could never put his finger on what it was abt these items that made him ill, but it had to be something bad.
and heâs mostly forgotten about the whole thing, but then Eddie put on those shorts⌠and suddenly it all made sense.
he didnât have some subconscious, deep-seeded hatred for these things. no, quite the opposite actually. not only did he hold these things in his heart with such fondness, but the boy they represented as well. that horrible feeling he got wasnât disgust, it was grief and longing curling so tightly around his heart that he felt physically ill.
thatâs when he realized, his soul missed Eddie so much that he was sick with it.
the stinging behind his eyes started, and for one startling second he thought it might be the sickness again, but then a laugh bubbled up in place of bile. because there was nothing to miss. Eddie was there, and alive and undeniably his.
he was everywhere he looked. in the neatly folded clothes in their dresser. in the obnoxiously complex espresso machine. in the meticulously placed picture frames. in those damn running shorts.
Eddie was there, and Eddie was his.
Breaking news: Richie Tozier killed in LA by his terrible, terrible husband
happy birthday to the prettiest guy around <3
reddie doodles! <3
Richie walking into his garage for the first time since Eddie moved in (and probably the first time ever since owning the place tbh) and seeing Eddie in coveralls sweating over the hood of a busted up car. Heâs smeared in motor oil, and his hands are doing whatever it is that is capably fixing the piece of junk he bought.
And he can only stare, bc itâs hot as fuck. It astounds him that heâs been fucking somebody so hot.
Eddie looks up and pushes his hair back, âWhat?â As if he isnât the most beautiful person or thing on the planet, as if he isnât standing there looking like that, âFucking take a picture, itâll last longer.â
Eddie gives him the most exasperated and bitchy look when Richie actually does take a picture. Richie will tell Eddie how good he looks, and Eddie will pull a face bc frankly he thinks he must look a mess - in desperate need for a shower
It takes many, many more visits for Richie to even coax a kiss out of sweaty, motor oil covered Eddie
âď¸ ice cream as a love language âď¸
âď¸ ice cream as a love language âď¸
hi bestie! <33
long time no talk! Iâve been fully immersed in ST these past few months (still making art like crazy) but I just found this song again and the vision was so clear. so without further ado, another episode of heartieâs reddie song recommendations :,) <3
I canât get the idea of the losers at prom together out of my head. Iâm imagining that they all managed to say together until senior year.
I can see them so clearly, getting dressed up to the nines and posing for photos together.
theyâre all going stag but the boys each take turns taking the classic prom pics with Bev, and then with each other.
Richie convinces them to be his âdateâ in all the pictures, even Mike who had just surpassed Richie in height by about two inches. he puts his head on Mikeâs shoulder and wraps his arms around his waist with a stupidly adoring expression (and if Mike keeps it in his wallet for 22 years? thatâs nobodies business but his own).
all the boys buy Bev a corsage because they didnât communicate with each other and decide who was going to do it. she ends up wearing all of them anyway, half on one arm and half on the other.
despite his best efforts, Richie isnât able to sneak any alcohol into the venue. itâs Bill who surprises them with a flask. his charm and good reputation made him the least likely perpetrator of smuggling alcohol and therefore avoided an inspection.
Bill and Ben spend so much time overthinking that they didnât ask Bev to dance. Richie steals her away for half the night to do just that, albeit rather badly. lacing their fingers together, he jumps around the dance floor with her, spinning and dipping her an obscene amount of times. their cackling laughter sometimes heard over the noise that is top 40 pop songs.
when the music slows down and the lights dim, the rest of the boys take a seat while Bev dances with Stan. heâd called the first slow dance at the beginning of the night, insisting that Bev get a proper dance with someone who actually knew how.
Stan passes her off to Eddie next who spends half the time looking unsubtly at Richie. she gently teases him before sending him back to Richie with a big wet kiss on his cheek. the kiss mark she leaves behind makes his face so red you could hardly make it out.
Ben finally gets the courage to ask her to dance, which she accepts immediately. heâs red from the tips of his ears to the base of his neck. she spins him and attempts to give him a small dip to loosen him up. it works, they spin and sway and laugh well into a second song.
they call Prom quits after the music picks back up for a second wave of 80s synth pop. they all pile into Mikeâs truck, ties loose and hair ruined. they pass the flask around and try not to spill as Mike hits another pothole.
its cold in the bed, no walls to keep the wind from wrapping around their slender frames. theyâd given Bev the only blanket, seeing as she was in only a dress. Eddie is very noticeably shivering but attempting to keep it hidden. Richie just laughs and drapes his very ill fitting tuxedo jacket over his shoulders, setting Eddieâs face alight.
they arrive at the cliff over the quarry, the sky is clear and crickets are chirping softly into the mild night air. Mike keeps the truck on and letâs the radio play. they make their way to the rocks near the edge and sit down, wrinkles and dirt be damned, prom was over anyhow.
looking out over the water, the night feels infinite. stars gleam in the sky and reflect on the quarry. here they are, in between two never ending galaxies. theyâll never be as young as they are now. theyâll never be as carefree as they are now. they might not ever be together like this again. but for tonight, anything is possible, and everything is okay.
the flask makes itâs way around the circle again, (aside from mike, who dubbed himself the designated driver) and then cigarettes. the ribbons of smoke dancing in the air and meeting each other. a peace settles over the group and conversations of nostalgia and memories spill from their mouths as freely as the smoke.
the opening chords of forever young start playing gently from the truck and a hush falls over them. they share bittersweet smiles and hum along. Ben asks Bev to dance again, more sure of himself this time. the blush that stains her cheeks make her freckles standout under the light of the moon. she accepts his hand and follows him over to the truck, a blinding smile gracing her features.
Eddie looks over at Richie, whoâs smiling gently at the pair, and nudges his knee with his own. Richie turns to him with a smile and Eddie can hardly contain the feeling in his chest. his glasses are slightly askew and his hair is a mess but he looks so charming with his shirt sleeves pushed up haphazardly and tie tugged loose, top button undone.
the question is out of his mouth before he can think better of it, âdo you want to dance?â the mortification is instantaneous. he flushes from head to toe and his eyes go as big as saucers. immediately he attempts to backtrack, âI uh- I mean- like just as a question like- I just-â
Richie, for his part, is not faring much better. heâs also red in the face, heat blooming in his cheeks before snaking itâs way from the base of his throat to his hairline. the smile heâd been wearing gave away to a shocked little O shape. he didnât even have time to formulate a response before Stan called over to them, âyes, yes he does!â
both of their heads swivel in sync to stare at Stan. he looks back with a shit eating grin, arms crossed over his chest in satisfaction. Mike and Bill fail to hide their snickering behind their hands, shoulders shaking with quiet laughter.
if theyâd been red before, it was nothing compared to the shade of scarlet they were now. Eddie turns slightly towards Richie, hoping to gauge his reaction. he finds himself nose to nose with Richie, eyes still blown wide and lips parted in surprise. they jump back slightly but end up giggling at their own ridiculousness.
Richie then stands, extending his hand to Eddie with a small smile. âIâd love to dance Eddie Spaghetti.â Eddie finds himself returning the smile and accepting his hand. they make their way over to the truck, a few feet away from Bev and Ben who are too enamored with each other to spare them any more than a glance.
Eddieâs hesitance is clear when his hands stay suspended in the air, hovering around Richieâs waist. he canât help the little huff of laughter that leaves his mouth as he redirects Eddieâs hands to his shoulders and his own to his waist. color still stains Eddieâs cheeks even as he starts to relax under Richieâs touch.
Richie takes a step towards Eddie, closing the distance them, leaning his head down to rest on Eddieâs shoulder. Eddie follows his lead and leans in close as well, his cheek pressed just above Richieâs collarbone, nose brushing against the hallow of his throat.
gently they begin to sway as the song bleeds into some other sappy love song. itâs cheesy, but between the sounds of crickets and the idle chatter of Bill, Stan, and Mike, everything is perfect.
college would scatter them across the country and career ambitions may keep them that way, but tonight theyâre all together. tonight theyâre just a group of best friends enjoying the night air. tonight they are limitless.
-
I hope you enjoyed my rambling thoughts because even I am surprised by the length of this. ;__;
I genuinely intended to write no more than like, the first three paragraphs of this and get out of here but the more I wrote the more I had to say :,)
anyway, Iâve missed you sunny! writing this down in your ask box is weirdly nostalgic :,) <3
- đŤ
*takes deep breath*
OK. WOW. heartie, this may be one of my most favourite things youâve ever sent me. I. ADORE. THIS!!!!!
everything about this little fic, from the song inspo, to the prom setting (i am fucking RAVENOUS for anything losers club promâŚ. i mean if you couldnt already tell from puppy love ch1 dhajsbaka), the losers taking prom photos with each other, richie stealing bev away for the first dance (i can HEAR him teasing bill and ben with a âyou snooze you loose!â) but stanley being the one to give her the first proper slow dance because he knows beverly deserves to âhave a dance with someone who knows howâ (SOBS AND SCREAMS AND CRIES), to them skipping out on the night early and just going to be with each other, where theyâre all the most comfortable and where they all feel the most happy, to eddie being the one to ask richie to dance (and stan answering for richie!!! that was so adorable!!!) and them sharing a dance together, to that ending paragraphâŚâŚ AUGH. TONIGHT THEY ARE LIMITESS. i think iâll cry.
bestie youâve really outdone yourself this time. this was absolutely lovely to read and i loved every word. im so happy to have you back in my inbox & sharing these stories with me <3
TOZIER