Prospective Adoptive Parents

We are Ben and Amy Hucker. We have been married for almost 2 years and have been together for close to 7 years. Since getting married, we have longed to grow our family by adding a child to our lives. Unfortunately, Amy has a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome which make it difficult if not impossible to conceive. We made the decision to pursue adoption. While we may not be able to have a child grow in Amy's womb, we are more than capable of letting a child grow in our hearts.

[huckersadoption]

So much of our time as of late has been devoted to exploring what options we have available to us. We are simultaneously going through fertility treatments while focusing on private adoption. Unfortunately, this means a few obstacles have come into our path. As we live in Illinois, the laws regarding adoption are strict. It boils down to you are able to enlist an Adoption Agency to match you with a birth mother, you can become foster parents with the option to adopt, or you can do a private adoption. With an Adoption Agency, the process is smoother and there isn't an overwhelming amount of things to do or hoops to jump through. But this comes at a very, very high cost. To the tune of nearly $30,000 up front. And while we both believe that this amount is absolutely worth it in order to add a child into our loving family, it simply isn't an amount that we have at this time. We have begun the process of getting licensed as foster parents. However, that has it's own obstacles. As we currently are renters, there are hoops to jump through. Large ones that may disqualify us in the long run. Adding on the possibility of having a child placed with us whom we would love and want to adopt, only to have them removed and this option seems heartbreaking to us. This is why we have opted for Private Adoption. Yes, it will more than likely take longer and be much more stressful. But it allows us the opportunity to find a birth mother on our own without the cost or frequent heartbreak. The fact that we are going through fertility treatment doesn't change our desire to adopt. We want so badly to share our home, love, and family with a child who may not have these things. And I am aware that some comments have been made in regards to our previous posts. I have no desire to address the insults that were thrown. My only response is to thank those adoptees who have gone out of their way to enlighten us about their perspective. To show us how an adoptee may feel and the things and circumstances we need to and have begun to address. I appreciate the insight and will continue to do so. We have struggled for nearly 3 years with the decision to adopt as well as our state's regulations regarding adoption. My wish, should it be heard, is to have a child that my husband and I can dote upon, raise, teach, learn from, and ultimately love. And hopefully one day, that will happen. -Amy

[huckersadoption]

This is a very tough week/weekend for me.  It’s Mother’s Day weekend which is without a doubt wonderful.  Being able to take a day and use it to show the love and appreciation that we all have or should have for our mother’s on a daily basis.  But for me, there’s a tinge of pain and emptiness that goes along with it.  I long to be a mother.  I long for being awake at 3 A.M. with an inconsolable child.  To be rushed out of work at the office to pick up my son or daughter from school because they aren’t feeling well.  I want to be able to have all of those difficult talks with our child that nobody looks forward to unless they’ve been robbed of the opportunity.  There was a time not too long ago when I was pregnant with our child.  I imagined all of the Mother’s Day’s that we’d celebrate.  The Father’s Day ties we’d get for my husband.  The birthday surprises, the photos with Santa.  All too soon though, those future moments disappeared and were no longer going to happen. And I ache for them.  

My husband will be out of town for the weekend visiting his mother down state since I have to work.  I’m also currently using crutches due to a bad knee sprain last week so the least amount of travel for me is good.  But being alone this Sunday just doesn’t seem ideal.  Since he’ll be gone, we celebrated with my mother last week.  We gave her her gift and her card and watched a movie.  I’ll more than likely take her out to dinner this weekend at some point.  But for the most part, I’m on my own.  And I’m trying to distract myself from that little twinge of pain and aching.  Immerse myself in the knowledge that I will be a mother some day and that there will come a time that this holiday will be for me.  Even if it is, as some say, just a Hallmark holiday.  To me, it’s everything I wish for. 

These feelings were made just a little bit worse today by the fact that a teenage boy somewhere started messaging us on our Facebook playing games with us and begging us to adopt him.  Toying with our emotions and preying on people who want so very much to be parents. That’s the risk that we take, taking the adoption journey that we’ve chosen.  We’ve opened ourselves up on social media as much as any person can and while that lets in a world of possibilities, it also lets in a world of people who find amusement in harassing those trying to do good.  

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone out that.  Be it a birth mother, adoptive mother, step-mother, mother-in-law, God-mother, etc.  The amazing things that you have done for that special child, even if they aren’t a child anymore, are truly above and beyond the call.  You all are inspirations to your children and the unconditional love that you possess is awe inspiring.  I hope to join your ranks soon.  Until then, Happy Mother’s Day. 

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Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you.

I’ve known since I was a child that I was made to be a mother.  I was always a mother hen.  Fretting, worrying, and taking care of everyone that I love.  Often, I try to figure out why it is that I’m unable to have children.  Unable to make my husband, the kindest and most loving young-at-heart man I’ve ever known, a father.  I whole heartedly wish that I could.  But throughout all of the trials and hardships that we have been through while battling infertility, Adoption was always in the back of my mind. Knowing that I would be perfectly equipped to offer love and life to someone who might not otherwise have them.  

James and I have spent so much time planning our child’s future.  Their name. What their nursery will look like.  What schools they’ll go to. What rules we will have.  Our future is tied so closely to having children. And I can’t imagine a life where we aren’t parents.  With Mother’s Day coming up, I find myself dwelling on all of this.  On the struggle with infertility, the possibility of adopting, and about not knowing when I’ll be celebrated on this day as well. 

To every mother out there, and every father who acts as both father and mother, Happy Mother’s Day.  As for me?  Well.  Maybe next year. 

[brandioatmeal-blog]

Adoption

How are private adoptions done?  If you have a friend who doesn’t want to keep their baby how do you legally adopt it?  What if you want to do a private adoption but don’t know anyone?  How do you find expecting mothers who can’t/don’t want to keep the baby?

I don’t want to go through an agency because of all of the fees involved.  I understand that the fees are there to keep the agency/orphanage running, I just don’t have $5k or more to spend on paperwork and bureaucracy.  I thought, at one point, that I saw classified advertisements about mothers seeking adopters but I can’t seem to find any.

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It all depends on what state you live in and what the laws are in that particular state.  In our case, we live in Illinois, private adoption is available.  The fees are much less and you basically just hire an attorney to do the paperwork and cover the birth mother’s medical expenses.  The trouble is, you have to find a  birth mother on your own.  And birth mother’s, at least in Illinois, can’t advertise.  However, adoptive parents can.

[huckersadoption]

Spent the weekend playing with my friend TJ’s son Shelby. Thomas the Train engine is great, but I think we’ll be better served with Marvel, Transformers, and GI Joe if we end up with a boy. They’re still floating around 30 years later, right?

Then again if we have a girl we’ll finally have an excuse for Amy and I to watch my little pony. I think Amy has been going into withdrawals since our niece’s outgrew the show.

Either way I just hope we’ll be able imprint all of our geekdom upon our child.

- James aka Ben

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Our Fertility Struggles

Over the last year-and-a-half, we have been trying to conceive a child with the help of a fertility clinic.  Anyone who has had to go through this can tell you that it is absolutely exhausting emotionally.  No little girl dreams of growing up and having to take 22 pills, teas and injections in order to get pregnant.  It isn't glamorous and it is not designed to make you feel very good.  

In our case, our reproductive issues are with myself.  My husband, James, is 100% able to have children. However, on the off chance that I get pregnant, I always have a 60% chance of miscarrying.  At the end of the day, it breaks my heart.  To know that my husband could be a father if he were married to someone else is a thought that haunts me daily.  And the feeling of being a disappointment is always prominent in my mind.  While James is constantly reassuring me that he isn't disappointed, I can’t help but be ashamed of myself.  One of the defining characteristics of a woman is that she can give birth.  She can conceive life.  Give life.  Keep that life going by feeding it for years.  It’s something no man can do.  It sets us apart.  But unfortunately, I do not have that ability.  

I take comfort in knowing that, while I may not be able to birth a child, I can still be a mother to a child. To our child.  James will still be a father and we will be able to help another human being live their life to their fullest potential.  And I can’t wait for that day when we finally become parents.  I yearn to be able to love and provide for someone who otherwise might not have those things.  To be able to walk with them as they have their own experiences, learn their own lessons, and make their own mistakes.  It’s my motivation.  Every day.  

Going through private adoption, our road is a little longer.  Since we are residents of Illinois, the only ways to go about adoption are either agency assisted or private adoption through an attorney.  Unfortunately, because of the way adoption laws are written in our state, an agency ends up being able to charge a premium for services that most other states offer freely.  There also is a waiting list a mile long, with absolutely no guarantee that you’ll ever be matched with a birth mother.  In this way, through private adoption, we have the opportunity to seek out a birth mother on our own terms.  The only hurdle is that we need to find a birth mother without the benefit of brand recognition.

No matter how long this journey takes, James and I are in it for the long haul.  We have our family’s support and love no matter where this path takes us.  And we have each other.  Always.

- Amy

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Thank you for visiting our page.  From now on, we will be updating with photos, blogs, links, or anything that comes to our minds in regards to our adoption journey.  We will both be updating the blog so we will be sure to sign each post as to who is posting whether it be James (who also goes by Ben), Amy or both. 

The Road So Far… We had decided long before we got married that we both wanted children.  Unfortunately, we also had found out that I (Amy) have PCOS or Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.  What that basically means is that I don’t ovulate on my own and my hormones go haywire when left unchecked which, in the long run, makes it virtually impossible to get and stay pregnant.  

We decided to start trying to conceive as soon as we were married.  So in September of 2013, we started actively trying to get pregnant with the help of our OB/GYN.  In February of 2014, we found out that we were pregnant.  And we were ecstatic.  It was a very exciting time.  However, it was very short lived.  Two days after receiving the news that we were going to be parents, I had a miscarriage.  It was not the first time I had gone through that but it was by far the most painful.  I had already begun to envision our future.  Started planning how we would announce to our family and friends that we were expecting.  Already beginning to think of the college fund we would set up and what color the nursery would be.  It was heartbreaking and we were both devastated.  

While the miscarriage was painful, it brought us even closer together.  We healed together and coped together.  And while it is something that we both wish we could change, our relationship is much, much stronger because of it.  

After working with a fertility clinic and taking every test and vitamin suggested, we ultimately decided that the stress that it was putting on us was counter productive.  We discussed each avenue.  Talked about what we wanted.  Explored every option open to us.  In the end, adoption was what we both wanted.  With so many children left without loving homes, so many birth mothers wanting better lives for their children, we want nothing more than to be able to offer them that loving family that they otherwise would not have.  

Getting To Know Me…

I am a self proclaimed geek.  My most beloved past times include playing off-the-wall board games (such as Red Dragon Inn, Settlers of Catan, Carracasone, Ticket to Ride, and Last Night on Earth), playing with our cat, Rufus, and dog, Harley, and playing video games.  My favorite TV shows are Supernatural, Top Gear, The Walking Dead, and Big Bang Theory.  I am a complete cinefile and love to spend time watching movies.  

Each week, Ben takes me on a date night.  Typically we go out to dinner and either rent a movie or go to the theater.  As long as we are spending time together, we are happy.  In my free time, I clean the house, write and do photography.  In college, I studied Journalism and absolutely love to write and read.  I also studied photography and dabbled in photographing weddings for a time.  Now, I practice these pursuits as hobbys.  I work as an Office Manager in the northwest suburbs of Chicago.  

Most of my family lives in Chicago.  My father and step-mother live in Alabama and my sister and her family move around as her husband is in the army.  Ben’s family lives all over the East coast.  His father and step-mother live in Virginia, where we try to visit as often as we can. His oldest brother is in Florida (my absolute favorite place in the world).  Ben’s mother and other brother live on the Illinois side of St. Louis.  As we both have decent sized families, we spend a lot of time with them and are very family oriented.  

Until next time, Amy 

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