no longer here @hueningshaped - Tumblr Blog

★ between the two of us | c.bg

▰ genre: f2l-uni au w lots of fluff and angst

▰ word count: 10.7k

▰ synopsis: you and beomgyu have to cross new checkpoints everyday it seems when it comes to your friendship, one that has overcome the barrier of being online to real life. being friends in person is hard for you but you realize you love beomgyu enough to brave your own hardships: all for the better — ft the tubatus

warnings: mild cursing, fire in building briefly mentioned, insecurities/struggles and thoughts of body/face dysmorphia, face mask use but not in covid way but in the 'words bubble up like soda pop' way, severe anxiety, burnout, some depressive thoughts, details of eating (habits), arguments, someone gets a stress induced cold, RUSHED RAMBLING

dedication: this is for the one i adore greatly, to my infinitely loved apple of my eye, @gyurecs ! i finally finished it…. never saw this coming… while there are a thousand things i could tell you, i’ll just say that i love you ! i love you so much there aren’t enough words to describe; you are the light of my life and you deserve everything you’ve ever wanted and more !

▰ tag list: just @tyunlatte B) my beloved

ACT I.

Nothing beat the feeling of returning to the refuge of your own dorm, free from prying eyes, annoying people, the summer heat, and in today's case, psychotic professors who want to risk your life for the sake of an exam.

Everyday when you came home from your tiring classes, it became tradition to do chat with your online and dearest friend. It was one of the things you looked forward to everyday. Sure, you both texted every second of everyday, but just to know that you shared the same screen, got to unload and refresh, while watching some silly videos — it meant a lot to you. No matter the weather, no matter where you were on any single, given day, you always made time to do so, and so did he.

Your dearest friend, Beomgyu.

Back to the new twist in your day, today, you came in hot with quite a story to tell, on how the fire alarm had gone off during an exam in your biggest class but your crazed professor, in fear of having anyone possibly cheat, had made everyone remain in their seats. Everyone’s phones had been taken away, so you couldn’t even call authorities.

Long story short, the doors were broken into by other staff, your devices were returned, your professor was suspended, a fire had actually burned the student center, and everyone received an A on the test, on the class overall, but details were still being worked out.

Despite the craze and near-death experience, you were oddly happy, but you think it’s because you get to retell the story to your favorite person.

from: beoms

I HAVE THE CRAZIEST STORY TO TELL YOU

from: you

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TODAY

Your phone vibrated as soon as you sent it, making you chuckle, but the startling realization of you both texting the same thing, at the exact same time aligned a bit too coincidentally. That thought was brushed off quicker than you had even realized. It was funny that what had occurred had even happened at all. Life just liked to be silly, and you were more than thankful for the few times it chose to direct its strange happenings on anything but you.

It had roughly been three years since you’d officially befriended Beomgyu, an internet friend that you’d met over the bonding of the beloved IU on a Twitter page, then coincidentally through the comment section of some TikTok, leading to the further exploration that you were the same user that you’d previously met as. Again, all those coincidences. Happenstances. It was fate, a matter of it that was just funny, nothing serious. Just like the two of you.

Talking to each other had been the easiest thing, even now, it was one of the things you looked forward to the most. Your friendship was a serious one, but not once had you ever considered ever meeting — much too afraid of him being disgusted or scared off by the real you. Only once or twice had you seen pictures of the other, never facetimed (again, too scared to do so), but he never pressed. Disgust was a rather harsh word that you never really confirmed in your head, but it wouldn’t be a lie to say it didn’t exist with regards to you.

He’d send videos of himself with his friends, of his beloved parrot, Toto, he’d make his brother or his parents record him doing the random-est things, of him playing a few written melodies or covers on his guitar, even on a recorder (he’s sent you videos of him playing these instrument to wish you a happy birthday), of him simply talking about his day, and it became violently apparent of how fond he was to you to the point that every time you heard that soft, tender lisp of his, sweet and winding inflections in his tone that never quite sat still, your cheeks would rise to your eyes and ache with how hard you smiled. He had been your dearest friend throughout all the years just the way you were to him.

Throughout your friendship, Beomgyu never quite stayed in the same place: having to move around a lot, too. Despite events that would knock you and him from being able to communicate, nothing could tear your friendship. Not distance, not life-shaking events, not even homework, but you’d made it a point to study as much as you could, alongside your work, to make time to talk.

This was why you dropped your bag down in its same spot, peddling to your desk to text Beomgyu now that you’d returned safely from school. You had tripped over a few things, stubbing your foot, gaze buried deep within your phone, navigating through your newly organized home screen so that it’d look cute, and then at last, you finally accessed your messages.

from: beoms

WHATTWAAHTHTH YOU GO FIRST

from: you

NO YOU

from: beoms

BFFR

from: you

GYU U GO FIRST

from: beoms

fine 😒you’re so rude ….jk BUT ANYWAY ITS A LOT BUT THERE WAS A FIRE AT MY SCHOOL AND MY PROF MADE US STAY IN AND WE WERE GONNA DIE I SWEAR Y/N I S2G THE LAST THING I WOULDVE SAID TO YOU WAS ‘im so hungry im gonna start chewing on my sleeve’ LIKE HUHHHHH

Your stunned silence was thick enough that it permeated through the screen. You did have your read receipts on, and Beomgyu was definitely not a fan of being left on read. It surely just must be a coincidence. Sure, some things here and there have hinted at the slightest, thinnest possibility of you and him being in the same timezone, let alone the same area, but this was just the higher powers of life arranging life in a silly way to blast coincidence. Surely, that was the case…right?

from: beoms

IM OK THO I PROMISE!!! no need to cry and sob and d word over me almost dying a fiery death at the worst place possible

Y/N? are u still there? :0

from: you

freaking beomgyu 😭 if ur going to say dying u might as well not use d word in the same sentence ur sooooo

from: beoms

ok AND???? ur not even worried about me almost dying and the fact that the fire was bad enough it burned down our student center, ur sick!!!!!! ur going to h-e-double hockey sticks….

The more he talked, you felt like the closer you were to falling sick.

from: you

stop..talking….

from: beoms

HUH ???!! if u hate me jus say it 🙂 i can take it 🤧 no but fr i can take it now that my uni gave me an a for the whole class since my prof got suspended hehehehe anyways WHAT HAPPENED TO U PLS DONT TELL ME ITS A BETTER STORY THAN MINE

You laid your forehead against your cold desk, nose and mouth hanging over the floor. Every probability of every possibility didn’t seem plausible. There was no way that fate worked that way, but you had to test the waters out before you truly allowed your heart to pound right out of your chest.

from: you

beomgyu what is ur professor’s name…..

from: beoms

for why

from: you

oh thats really his name?

from: beoms

u deserve cruel and unusual punishment btw oh and his name is dr. mathias something rey 😻 he’s got a king name and sorry Y/N can’t remember crap

You gasped once your eyes found the name of your own professor’s name on the syllabus that was loaded on a different tab. There in fine print: Dr. Mathias Flores Rey. The same person who’d jeopardized your lives over cheating…both your lives… yours and Beomgyu’s… a person you never thought you would have met at least any time soon.

from: you

im going to need u to not freak out with me bc i already am……… but im 99.999999% sure we go the same school bc we have the same prof and we have the same class and we had the exact same thing happen to us…….. but idk maybe its just a coincidence lol hahaa could be mandela effect lol haha sorry i had to discover this sorry BEOMGYU LAUGH WITH ME PLE A SE

It was his turn to leave you on read.

This freaked you out definitely a lot more than it should have. The logical part of your brain chided the anxious part, which was the majority, saying, ‘This is a good thing! You’ll finally be able to meet! Isn’t that what you’ve wanted?’

But the anxious part was a bit more in control. It for sure had a hand in just about every part of your brain, as it had for so long. So, rather than be able to enjoy this discovery, this wonderful surprise has made you come face to face with the struggle you’ve had your entire life.

Violent buzzes pulled you suddenly from your thoughts, breathing a bit seized but deflating as soon as your eyes you found the culprit of sound: Beomgyu’s contact name and picture taken over the entire screen with an incoming call.

Hesitantly but with a shake of your head that whisked such delays away, one swipe and his thunderous giggle-scream filled the air of your silent room. As joyous as you felt about the potential lack of distance with your longtime online friend, a part of you felt weary. In the reflection of your screen, you could see your lips pursed, the bottom tucked between your teeth, set on peeling the skin on it. The sunshine, which had blinded you for much of the day, was hidden behind the black out curtains, tinting the world dim and gray. Just the way you felt inside.

“Hello?! Y/N, I’m so mad at you… how dare you even think for a second that you should apologize for discovering this,” you forced out a laugh in response, which in turn made his voice lower. “Is it really true, though? I-I don’t want to get my hopes up… I mean, I’m over the moon right now, but I mean-well… you know what I mean, right?”

While a tide of doubt swirled in your mind at the possibility of him being disappointed by you, which you felt was inevitable, the exhale that drafted from your lips registered as a sigh for him.

“Y/N, you alright? I didn’t bother you, did I?” Because of the years you had behind your friendship, you knew Beomgyu well, especially what he needed. Immediately, your voice thinned out and you made sure to reassure him to the best of your abilities.

“I’m good, Gyu. I promise you didn’t bother me. I’m… well, yeah, it’s all true unless you don’t belong to an introduction to linguistics class that meets from 12:30 to 2:15 every Monday, Wed—”

“Holy shit.”

“Wednesday, Friday, and our prof is named Dr. Mathias Flores Rey, and he’s most likely getting his doctorate taken away, then it’s not true.”

“It is true! It is true!” Beomgyu barked into the speaker incessantly, screaming then laughing loudly, which made you smile contagiously. He just had that effect. The birds chirped and the sun bled in the room from behind the curtain as you joined in laughter. Brief moments like this lowered the volume of the anxiety that pulsed through your veins. They were nice. Brief but so nice. That was what made them special.

“So, when can I meet you? You live on campus, right?” He asked, still full of excitement, and your wavering breath brought reality back to the film of your eyes. “Yeah, I do, and um…” Back and forth, your head turned to look around at the room, almost like you needed to be reminded of where you were. Of who you were.

“I’m still on campus, Y/N. That is if you wanna meet up still. I mean, it’s been a long day for both of us, so we can do this another day. No pressure.” He sang out the last word but a part of you still ached for him even if he possibly wasn’t bothered by your possible decline. Like an inkling, you felt like you needed to reassure your dear friend and always make sure his feelings were good, that his heart felt safe, and that he felt okay at the very least. None of this could even be close to a job; you loved Beomgyu dearly. He had become your close friend throughout all these years.

He lived off campus in a shared apartment with his four other friends. Beomgyu went on to surprisingly give his exact location, disclosing his address much to your laughing shock with repeats of “Beomgyu, come on!” He went down to the apartment building and room number, giggling along with you. Back and forth of his apartment and his friends, you could feel that he was aware that you were dodging the question.

It wasn’t too far, probably a thirty minute walk from your dorm, so you could do another day, but you also thought about the sun that was setting, the last attempts of sunlight shooting through the dips of the horizon that were soon to die down to let the dark become of the sky, and how little light would work in your favor.

“Y/N?” Beomgyu called due to lack of response to whatever he said.

“I can meet you now if that’s okay…” your heart pounded loudly in your ears, above your own voice it seemed. The person you’ve known for the past three years was soon to meet you, to see you finally, to put a face to the name, and that terrified you.

Instantaneously, you could feel his smile through the phone. “More than okay. It’s perfect. When and where, Y/N?”

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆

Now, this seemed like a bad idea. Or, an idea that was born to fail.

Walking through the park, eyes flitting from your Maps app to the unfamiliar surroundings on the one part of campus you never quite visited — mainly because it was a hang out area, lots of seating areas, and well, it would be a nice place to be to read and listen to music and just relax, but it was never empty — you couldn’t help but feel like you wanted to be sick. Your slip on shoes scraped against the concrete under your feet, a painful rhythm to the thundering of your heart.

How long do you think you can keep doing this? Thoughts like these filter through your ears, rounding your mind as sharp as a hiss but as light as a breeze.

Beomgyu had said he’d be waiting, messaging you with live updates of where he would be and when he would arrive, and three minutes prior to this moment, he had texted:

from: beoms

IM ALIVE I MADE IT BY MYSELF ID LIKE TO THANK MY MOM AND DAD FOR RAISING ME SO BRAVE IM A SOLDIER 💪💪

You knew what he looked like, so you knew what to look for. However, it didn’t make it less strenuous on your heart. You felt like it was going to give out, your hands trembling from around your hold on your phone. He had no idea what you looked like. That scared you.

But what scared you more was—

Unruly hair, boba-like eyes, long eyelashes, pretty lips. Even with half a glimpse, you still stopped in your tracks at the knowing of who was before you. Beomgyu.

You swear you almost dropped your phone and fled the scene, but surprisingly, your anxiety had some semblance of restraint for you.

Beomgyu really was right in front of you, seated on a bench, feet rolling left and right on the skateboard, gazing down at his phone rather pensively like he was looking at it and not looking into it. You wanted to run off.

But your feet carried you over to him, keeping some distance between you and this very guy. Voice perked up, all functions from the surprising courage of your body, all for you to try his name, “Beomgyu?”

He looked up immediately, blinking a few times, like he had forgotten what he was doing, and it made you worry, ready to flee and forget this whole thing had even happened, but then, things clicked. It was a visual story.

Realization slowly became of his face, from the widening of his eyes, mouth forming an ‘o’, the skateboard nearly slipping right from under him as he scrambled to stand, and his mouth stuttered on some word that you later realized was your name. Beomgyu seemed to know you even if he had no confirmation.

“Y/N?” He asked for the fourth time, all while you pocketed your phone to nod shyly. A joyous screech from him made you flinch as he pedaled over to you, arms opening and for a second, you were sure he was going to tackle you, until he paused just mere inches from you, the proximity making you sweat even more than you already were. So close.

It felt like a dream. Silly to say of which you’ve had many. Of meeting, of navigating the end of the world together, of being in a zombie apocalypse together, of all the craziest scenarios your dreams can create, but there were also nightmares. Of this. Of him seeing you for the first time and being grossed out by what he sees. Of him refuting your friendship because of what you look like.

Beomgyu’s boyish beautiful smile paralyzed you, pretty features absolutely enthralling, dark rounded eyes that were full of wonder and joy that had to look down for you, curtained by long eyelashes, grown out brown hair that you’d seen through recent pictures, and the light but generous scent of his fragrance — something like lavender, linen, musk, and some other earthy scent that you swore you’ve smelled on your mom or something like that — with sun kissed skin even in the low light of the lampposts.

Your eyes just scanned everywhere, unable to resist the canvas before you. It shocked you. It pleased you. It overwhelmed you.

“Y/N,” you heard and blinked back to the anxiety that palpitated in the pit of your belly. Your eyes locked with his, that same smile on those lips. “Is it… is it okay if I hug you? Y…you’re not sick or anything, are you?” He laughed minutely at his own question, but it was moreso out of pure glee like he was unable to believe even his own eyes.

Beomgyu didn’t seem to care too deeply about you wearing a face mask, which steadied your heart. At least that was what you had told yourself then and there. With a quick nod, pause then head shake, and some reassurance of a lie, some distorted truth to enable the disguise, you felt like a fraud who didn’t deserve to be embraced by your best friend after so long, after having been convinced you’d never even meet. Your half-covered face just smushed against his clothes as he squeezed you tight in his arms, enveloping you in quite a bear hug. Hints of flowers, of soap, of tea, of a fresh breeze were in his clothes in his scent, something you found yourself wanting to stay forever in. How spoiled were you to let yourself be here in his arms?

Like a bomb, your rapidly beating heart ticked faster until you were the first to pull away, lowering your head but trying to make eye contact. A shimmer was in Beomgyu’s eyes, but he still smiled.

He always smiled.

ACT II.

One thing about you was that you had never really showed Beomgyu how you looked, and another thing about you that you didn’t know was that it scared the crap out of him. At some point, he had even told his friends about how it worried him. One of them had even suggested calling Nev and Max from Catfish, but everything, he felt, everything about you was real. You showed pictures of other things but not one ever exhibited your face, in any shape or measure. You were real. Genuine like a priceless gem. And meeting you, well, that had only immortalized that idea.

But, you didn’t know that.

from: beoms

do u think it’s too early for me to tell u that i already miss u?

After having showered and well, cried extensively while showering, you came straight to your phone to find this text from Beomgyu. Words like this from him weren’t new; he could say the darnedest things, some of the most heartfelt pieces in between the silliest, most unserious phrases. That was how his heart was: naïve in the way a child loves but just overall so pure, tender, and intelligent.

After your hug, you both chatted about the aftermath of the fire during your class, about your schedules, about your days ahead, and it was getting darker, so Beomgyu had walked you back with the promise of plans tomorrow. None of it had been done as smoothly as you'd wanted: you struggled to look in each other's eyes, laughed nervously, blushed, sweat, and awkwardly sauntered away from the other when the night became of day.

from: you

absolutely not :( i miss u too

With that commitment of hanging out tomorrow, unable to quite say no when both your hearts unraveled through and through each fired up text message, time bled into the swing of things. Bidding each other good night like you always did to bidding each other good morning, again, like you always did.

You only had one class for this brand new day, but you met up for study group, wherein you never actually said anything, but it was easier for you to learn when it was your classmates’ talking up the lectures.

Of course, none of the content soaked in the sponge of your mind. It was dense with its own precipitation of your preoccupation of seeing Beomgyu. Again.

It pained you.

Because no matter how over the moon you felt about finally existing in the same time and space of your best friend, your insecurity didn’t let you enjoy it.

And it was one thing for you to be friends online, but to be friends in real life? Wouldn’t things change?

“Wow, since when has that guy belonged to our class? He’s really cute…” while copying a few formulas for the study group lab, whispers caught your attention, making you look up, and freeze to find Beomgyu walking as naturally as can be for someone who was clearly not a part of the class. He wore a simple blue sweater, his wired headphones loosely hanging from around his neck, backpack hanging off one shoulder, and a plain, handsome smile on his face. He looked in his element. Like he belonged in any scene. Wouldn’t it be tarnished if he came close to you?

Plans to hang out together had been made for after your study group, but here was Beomgyu, joining you halfway through, coming over to you, a grin that only got bigger and bigger, with what you noticed was a coffee in one hand. Here he was coming to sit next to you, where no one ever sat, where you’d made sure no one could ever get near.

You simply watched him in amazement, blinking, letting your classmates whisper among themselves, and allowing him to settle beside you. The process came with a cheerful greeting of your name, passing the drink directly in your hand, rubbing your fingers as he exchanged it, shrugging off his backpack, and whipping out his phone to simply place down in front of him. He even started getting out his laptop, noisily doing so, which got even more attention. Beomgyu couldn’t help but laugh at your growing sheepishness.

“What?” He asked like he wasn’t aware of the angelic halo that shimmered off him from his dazzling aura. He must really be loved. And he was. By you.

“Nothing…!” You whispered out between breathy giggles, making room for him, and anxiously fidgeting your hand because your body felt downright stumped to be next to him. “Here’s your drink, Y/N. Sorry, I almost took a sip out of it since it looked so good.” He nudged the drink closer to you, patting the backside of your palm to give you a sweet smile. Only reason he added emphasis was because he knew you were anxious. Hesitantly, you nodded and grabbed onto it, looking into the drink before looking back up to see he hadn’t looked away from you yet.

“Thank you, Beomgyu. You didn’t have to get me anything. Didn’t you get anything for yourself?” Everything sounded like you were out of breath, but he shook his head, shaggy hair bouncing healthily. “No problem, Y/N. Technically, it’s not a coffee but a tea refresher, so drink up and enjoy. And I finished my tea earlier then ordered yours once I was on my way.”

A refresher that you have loved since forever. He remembered?

“Hmm…” you hummed and tried to balance giving your attention to Beomgyu, calming down, and scarcely trying to focus on the class conversation. Beomgyu’s palm wrapped around the back of your hand and squeezed in a way that made you wiggle your fingers.

Your eyes moved from your laptop screen to his hand on yours back up to his face. “Just breathe…” he mouthed over to you. Beomgyu was typing with the other hand on his opened up document, things that didn’t even apply to him or his major, simply for you.

As the dullness of your anxiety drifted away, you slowly were able to think a bit easier, to narrow down the “problems”.

You had to take off your mask to drink the tea in front of him, or else you’ll look like a jerk. That was the main concern. Secondly, you wanted to make Beomgyu happy and spend time with him. Third, you wanted to get everything written down so you could study later.

It seemed like he was helping you out with that last one, and your heart quivered with the hope that you weren’t making Beomgyu unhappy, but rather the contrary. You just had to take it off to take at least one sip to show your gratitude. Just a little sip, even.

The study group eventually died down with documents and flash cards being distributed via your group chat, but you and Beomgyu remained. One of your classmates had even turned around to give you a wink, giggling with a ‘you think they’re gonna kiss?’ under her breath to her companion. You hoped to God he hadn’t caught that…

“You ready to go?” Beomgyu closed his laptop after having basically typed all you needed; his fingers worked fast. Deadly fast. All this time, you had waited to see this skill up close. Awed as you were, you still couldn’t think straight. You hadn’t taken one sip yet. He stretched to pop his fingers, swiveling to face you in the chair.

“Yeah,” you cleared your throat to come back to reality, eyebrows knotting and curving with worry. “Sorry… didn’t mean to shut down on you this entire hour… And you didn’t have to meet me here. You must’ve been so bored having to type up all this nonsense.” His smile appeared relaxed but kept widening with every word of yours.

A part of you wanted to apologize for the very obvious lack of sips to your gifted drink. But, then that meant that you’d have to apologize for your appearance. But, then that would mean he’d have to look at you. And then, that meant —

“Hey, come on already~ I told you: you don’t have to apologize for anything, Y/N. This was so much fun. I got called cute today and I got to hang out with you before the real hang out. This was like a delicious appetizer, to be honest!” You surprised yourself with a laugh, making him do the same.

“We can get some real food right now, though if you’re — ” “No!” You slapped a palm over your mask-covered mouth, blinking in shock and apologies. Beomgyu’s eyes only spoke from his expression: another blinking stare. “S-sorry… I um, can’t stomach anything right now. We can just… do what you had planned already.”

He arched an eyebrow with a suspicious face, furrowing one eyebrow and pouting.

“If you say so, Y/N! We… um… we don’t have to do anything if you don’t feel well though.” He was standing up now, backpack on his shoulder, brave smile on his face but he looked worried.

“I promise I’m well enough to hang out. Just have chronic tummy ache.” You commented, moving to follow him out the door with your own packed up backpack, too preoccupied over the idea of the reality that you’re going to have to show him how you look like at some point, maybe work on makeup during time apart…

“Wow, you’re a real warrior.” He giggled under his breath as you both walked out the building onto your next destination.

And the drink? Long forgotten by you.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆

Sadly, you both were shy with each other. Sheepish, struggling to hold eye contact, giggling and blushing madly at the pace of conversation, at the gift of being in each other's presence. Still, despite the bumps in the road, it all came together because hanging out with Gyu felt natural very quickly. Like scarily fast.

For that day, his suggestion had been perfect! You’d gone out to the bookstore then the Music Store, where you each bought things: you, two novels, and Beomgyu, two CDs. After that, you’d gone to the fields to just sit and relax, Beomgyu whipping out a small quilt from his backpack. You’d teased him for his Mary Poppins dupe, asking where you could find one. He thought that comment was funny, evidence in his squeaky laugh echoing off the hills around you. Beomgyu had whipped out a portable CD player and gave you a headphone and silently read with you, hovering over your shoulder to read, and making you wait on him because he read very slow. At some point, though, he felt too close, perhaps at an angle where he could see in your mask, so you had slammed your book shut and moved to sit across from him to give a ‘what’s in my bag’ haul. Beomgyu seemed down for a moment after that, but before you could even ask, he was back to normal before you knew it.

Interestingly enough, you both were new to the area; while you and he dormed in this area, it was new territory for the two of you, meaning new sights to see, new things to conquer. Really, that just allowed the two of you to start off on the same page. Though, it was beginning to look like Beomgyu had to put in the work for both of you.

He always texted first.

But, it probably wasn't that big of a deal.

The next day, you and he had to attend a meeting with everyone from your linguistics class that you’d both been emailed about the night before. Your professor had been fired, just like the student center, but rather than giving an A for the course as promised, you were instead to take the reminder of the course through a different instructor, who was much, much harder on you than that professor who’d nearly gotten you all killed.

To fight off the blues of knowing the tough journey ahead, you and Beomgyu both ditched your second classes to go to the local amusement park, where you both ventured on nearly all the rides, ones that you’d never have gotten on by yourself. Due to being throttled around in the air, your mask had nearly flown off, but it stayed on, your fingers tightly knit on the sides. It was fun to scream at the top of your lungs with Beomgyu, who’d gripped tightly onto your hand for each and every one. You paid for Beomgyu’s turns at the stands to play games; the natural skilled guy he was won handfuls of plushies, one of them being a teddy bear that he generously gave to you. He’d insisted on giving you all his winnings, but that had been the compromise you came up with.

It felt like a friendship that had always existed because it was.

That night, he invited you over for dinner with his friends, but you’d turned him down.

It seemed like, without even knowing, you were going to be doing that a lot — letting him down. It was strange because for someone who was severely anxious and strived to be self aware all the way down to the cells in their own matter, you were also hopelessly clueless.

And judging by the way things turn out, it wasn’t the good kind.

ACT III.

After a week of goofing off with the other, hanging around campus and off campus, things took a wide turn when your linguistics class started up again. You and Beomgyu decided that you’d arrive at the same time in order to sit with each other; you'd thought it through. Having each other was going to ensure your success.

For a while, it worked out because you endured this god awful class together.

Life fell into a routine: going to class together, spending time together afterwards either studying or simply doing nothing, and outside of that, texting sparsely and FaceTime-ing also sparsely. Your workload with this new professor seemed borderline torturous with pop quizzes, strict deadlines on frequent and lengthy assignments, overlapping group projects, online and in-class discussions, and not to mention the extra work put in to reading and understanding the textbook and lectures, which hardly made sense when applied to the exams. It felt like Hell, and it was only less than the second half of the semester that you endured since the fire incident.

Beomgyu took the weight of the course change and all his other course work like a champ, visibly drained but cheerful as always.

Sometimes he'd bring you breakfast that he painfully knew you wouldn't eat in front of him but he secretly hoped you'd eat behind closed doors. Other times, most really, you brought him coffee, tea, snacks, and breakfast. You'd even formed your own study group with him, but due to his popularity and the overwhelming amount of classmates, you never showed up after the first time.

For midterms, you'd both barely made it out alive.

When Halloween had come around, Beomgyu had wanted to hang out with you to watch bad scary movies, but then you had a bad acne breakout and you also caught the flu, isolating yourself for an entire weekend.

When it came down to fall break, you and he were supposed to have sleepovers, but you'd declined that suggestion pretty hard. There was an awkward lull for a day or two after that, but you'd found something else to blame it on. Lying.

Right before finals, you'd helped him dye his hair. Messily and not professionally, might you add, but Beomgyu loved it. He sent you a selfie every morning after that.

You didn't hang out everyday since he needed his days in, especially with his boys (who you continued to decline meeting), just the way you did. It was a wonder to you both as to when you'd finally open up. There was no rush, so he said. So he said.

These past few months have been fun! Lonely and painful and ugly as your life may be, meeting your best friend in person definitely made everything better.

Yet, even after all this time, not once had you shown a glimpse of your face to Beomgyu. Sure, lots of good times and moments were shared between you. None of it ever involved eating. Sadly, this meant that you'd have to give up meals so as to not eat in front of him. A part of you still felt like a fraud no matter how much you tried to ignore it, because by hiding your face, you couldn't help but feel like hiding other parts of yourself that you felt were ugly. Sure, having been online friends with him for two years had led to you two being incredibly close, but even you were smart enough to see that not everything had to be shown, not even to someone you loved.

Sometimes that meant shutting them out...

It happened a lot, or rather, he was used to not receiving the usual responses, as were you for the other — only sending a thumbs up emoji every few days to make sure the other was at least alive.

He had sent you a thumbs up emoji a day after the big linguistics final, which had, in short, brutally kicked your guys' asses. Like badly. You had yet to see if you'd both passed the class.

That had been a week ago. You'd sent the thumbs up two days ago. And, well, since finals were done, you'd expected him to be back to normal. If he was going through something, wouldn't he have just told you? That's what you both did before physically meeting. It made you worry about him.

Because he hadn't double or triple or whatever texted you? No. Because he wasn't reaching out? No. You just worried. Wondered. Dreamed. About him. Was he doing okay? Was he eating well? How had the workload been on him for midterms? Did his roommates go through the same thing? Did they give him a hard time? You doubted it with the way he loved them visibly, audibly.

from: you

hey gyu sorry for the super late reply 😭 but how did finals go for u?

The longest it had ever taken Beomgyu to reply to you was eleven hours, and that had been a year ago when he had had a full blown family day, meaning he stayed up drinking with his dad, his brother, and his best friends. Today, he broke that record, and you couldn't help but worry. Worry in a bad way.

Maybe he stayed in to game the entire day. It didn't sound ridiculous since he had told you he gamed for hours and hours, and maybe as soon as his last midterm was done, that was what he wanted to do to relieve himself.

Throughout September, during the recesses of your daily routines, you and he would go over to each other's houses. When you'd gone to his, his roommates would always be gone (so as to not make you uncomfortable) and you'd watch him game, idly on his bed: sometimes watching a show on your phone, studying, or reading. Nevertheless, something about watching him game felt nostalgic. The thought of it did.

Piles and piles of 'you're selfish' flooded in your mind as you fought the urge to reach out physically. It wasn't even for your sake. You just wanted to know if he was okay considering the last time you'd seen each other, he had hardly said a word to you, only his face spoke: showing a tired, vacant expression. You had been too broken in your own way to do anything but give him a hand squeeze right before the exam that had taken three hours. Beomgyu had finished earlier than you, giving you a few tired blinks and a smile that somehow stretched to his eyes, before officially walking out the door.

You just wanted a real life thumbs up emoji. That was what you needed.

The measure to acquire such a sign took the impossible. It meant that you had to go to his apartment. Thus, why you had been standing at his front door for the past four minutes, fiddling with your sleeves and your face mask, fingers fidgeting in attempts to calm down enough to even knock. So much anxiety that you failed to pinpoint what it was stemming from. Beomgyu? Did he finally admit to hating you? Was it his friends? Is Beomgyu okay? Who would open? Would they ridicule you and laugh at you?

A couple of voices grew closer to the door until ultimately, curiosity collided with reality, and the door swung open to reveal a couple of very tall guys who simply stared down at you with soft, wide eyes.

"Um..." the tallest of them said while the other two just glanced between you and the others, making your heart thunder in your ears. Another person seemed to be behind them. "Why are you guys still standing here? Aw, waiting on me, aren't you guys? Oh." The owner of that voice parted through the other three like the sea, blinking at you. You recognized him through the one of the photos Beomgyu had sent you. Yeonjun.

He blinked at you carefully, slowly glancing down to your tapped lock screen where he saw Beomgyu's selfie. (Beomgyu did that, and who were you to have changed it?) It all came together on his face at that.

"Ah! Oh, my God, you're Y/N?! Come in, come in!" Yeonjun immediately shouted and stepped back. It was at your name that the others got it, too, making shocked expressions and overall ecstatic features. You were practically ushered with their hand waves, and you were also touched at how they backed up to make space for you. After briefly introducing themselves to you, they suddenly began whispering. You neared closer so as to get closer to their volume.

"Okay, Y/N, so happy that you're here first of all, may I just say, and anyway, we were about to go get food and come to bring it to Beomgyu. Still can't get over how you're the Y/N..."

"Focus, Soobin!"

"Shhh!"

"You shhh!"

"Y/N," Taehyun garnered your attention, speaking softly under the umbrella of Kai, who merely chuckled. You nodded, doing your best to see how this pertained to your best friend. He smiled warmly at you. "Beomgyu's been burnt out lately. He's had a cold for the past few days, but it's because he hasn't been taking care of himself. He's told us lots about you, but since he's been by himself, he's kinda refused to see anyone, and this whole time... well, we wondered if he would be open to seeing you. We never knew how to contact you."

"Maybe it's fate that you found us. Thank you for showing up." Kai whispered, closing his eyes gently for a smile. Had your mask not been on, they would have seen how hard your frown trembled your lips. Your hands by your sides formed determined fists. If the situation was different, Yeonjun thought he would have cooed.

"Did you come over to see Beomgyu?" Soobin asked, having to look down at you even crouched slightly. You fumbled in your gaze. It took so much to even speak now.

"Well, yeah," your voice worked. "He... he hadn't responded to me, and it's... easy for me to get in my own head, and I just had to see for myself. It's um, nice to finally meet you all. I'm sorry I never said yes." You bowed your head in shame, and they quietly booed, disagreed with little 'no, no, no''s.

"Please don't be sorry, Y/N. Everything happens at its own time. We are just happy you are in Beomgyu's life." Taehyun added, and something behind your eyes wished to give way, but there was more important matters at hand. So, you smiled and thanked them, mustering up the courage to be strong for your best friend.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆

Stress-induced colds were not new to you conceptually. You'd probably had one during midterms, but seeing someone you love go through something you have suffered by yourself with made the pain a lot more tangible.

They told you not to knock, letting you know they'd be in the living room if you or he needed anything, and you'd stepped in as you'd gotten a hold of the knob. Beomgyu was sleeping in a way that showed you he'd only dozed off due to fatigue. His head was dropped onto a pillow, cheek smushed, a controller loosely in his hand, a blanket haphazardly around his legs. His under eyes were sunken in. It looked like he formed a little nest around himself.

"Beomgyu..." You whispered once you had came to the edge of his bed, a hand running through his sweaty locks, and that was all it had taken to make his eyes flutter open, dazedly taking you in his sleep-ridden sights. "Y/N? No way..." he blinked as you tried to show a smile through your eyes.

"What-what are you doing here?" His voice was hoarse, almost two dimensional in its deep pitch. Red rimmed eyes and nostrils, flurry of tissues tossed right where your feet were, minute shivers — it was true he was suffering. You blinked a bit, playing with a frilly corner of his sheets, the ones you found a second refuge in throughout these past months. "I wanted to check on you."

"Why?" Through the thick of his sinuses, he sounded sad. You blinked, trying to decipher the true tone.

"Wh-what do you mean 'why'? Beoms — "

"Y/N, please... please don't hurt me more than you've already hurt me..." he muttered tiredly through weak coughs. He looked so frail curling in on himself. Your frown hardened, bottom lip wobbling, ready to surrender to a cry. "Huh?" This was becoming a nightmare somehow. "Beomgyu, what do you-how can I fix this? I'm-I'm lost, please..." he shivered, weakly trying to sit up but still doing it. On his own, having refused your help.

"Look. The semester's done and over with. You... you don't have to pretend anymore. I've tried my best to ignore the way I feel, but to me, with the way you just... I know you're the kindest person , but you can be really careless, you know?"

You blinked rapidly in attempts to divert the oncoming tears.

"Me?" Your pain came out a color you had never thought could bloom.

"Yeah!" He raised his voice a little. A part of you figured much of this was from the cold, but why did it answer your some of your biggest fears?

"I'm sorry, but I know we've been friends for the past two years, but why do I feel like you're becoming a stranger on purpose? I feel like you dislike me secretly. Detest me even. It hurts so much more to pretend, Y/N. Just come out and say it. I mean, you don't let me near you, it's like you're grossed out by me. I thought, I don't know, you'd noticed by now. I know you're hyperaware of lots of things, but it feels like you choose to ignore it. Like you wanna be cruel." You wanted to word vomit, deny everything, explain it all, but you could only stare at him.

"Are-are you seriously this pained by me not being comfortable with you?" Your voice shook, sniffles bundling. "You know, I'm not comfortable with anyone, not even myself."

"But, I'm not just anyone. At least I shouldn't be. You treat me as if you're constantly getting ready to leave but never do, can never get close enough, and it's fucking torture." Beomgyu spat, crossing his arms and looking at the wall.

"What point are you even trying to make? I don't-I-I don't understand it! All I hear is that you don't want me here!" You raised your own voice, too. He sat up at that to look at you. This was something you've never wanted to see: Beomgyu upset or mad with you.

"Because I don't! I'm telling you how I feel and being sensitive with you — "

"I am being sensitive with you!" "No, you are fucking not!" "You're the one who needs to be sensitive!" "You're the one — "

At this point, the argument was beyond you, and you both were just letting out steam on the other, like two windly taut kettle pots. It seemed like some petty fight that you both had no interest in even winning anymore, feeling the loss in the looks of each other's eyes.

"Get out of here, Y/N!" At that sharp yell of his, you'd flinched but remained strong, now glaring. No room for you to even kneel and cry. No room for you to show the true weak link in your already decrepit being. No room for you to try and fight for an agreement. No room for you to even defend yourself more than you already had. You didn't deserve it.

Just as you were ready to stomp out, fist shaking, lips sputtering in attempts to curb your cry, you found a little wiggle room.

One hand on the knob and you turned to see Beomgyu's shimmering eyes, his own mouth curling with a cry.

"Beomgyu," your voice was full again, even and calm. "If you knew... I think you'd understand."

"Yeah, but I don't." His wet, hoarse tone indicated his level of temperament.

"But, you will."

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆

Everything else followed pretty seamlessly. The walk out the apartment came out a lot easier than you thought, considering how you avoided their eyes, apologized as you sped out the door.

The ghosting part was not.

In fact, it absolutely sucked.

You didn't lose your online friend. You lost your best friend, too, even maybe four, new friends. No goodbye or anything. Sure, it was cowardly to accept fate this way.

But, it didn't matter. Hardly anything did. There was one week left for you to remain in your dorm before you'd head home for the holidays, and even then, your plan was to continue the Bella Swan New Moon-era act you had been pulling since a few days ago. Somehow not even your insecurities that had ruined your friendship with your best friend mattered. You didn't care to look in the makeup, let alone get up to take care of yourself.

Since the downfall, you'd been lying in bed all day, rotting practically, with a sitcom playing over and over again on your laptop.

There was hardly anyone on campus since everyone had left because they finished their courses early and who wanted to be out during the cusp of winter?

The year was ending. It had been an eventful past few months. The friendship having lasted nearly three years now... You had only wished for it to last longer, for it to end better though selfishly you had never once wanted it to.

On the day before the campus closed, you decided to write Beomgyu a letter, allowing him to wield the power to throw it away or read it. Even going so far as to deliver it inside his mail slot at his apartment. Inside, you apologized for every thing you could think of, including the basis of your argument, wishing him well, reassuring him in the best way you can of your love for him, and had you been born looking like someone else, perhaps you would have been able to love entirely the way he deserved.

Funnily enough, later that day, dead in the night, despite the lack of a stamp, that letter was returned to sender by Beomgyu himself, who nearly broke your door down with how hard he had been pounding. Like the freaking police...

from: beoms

OPEN THE FUCGINK DOOR RNJNJNTRN

OPENNFNNNN!!!!!! 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

THIS IS THE CIA!!! FBI!!!! NCIS!!!! LAW AND ORDER!!!!! CRIMINAL MINDS!!!!!! THIS IS THE PRESIDENT!!!!!!

IM SO SORRY I WAS SUCH AN ABBY LEE MILLER PLEASE IM SO SORRY I DIDNT MEAN SHIT THAT I SAID ESPECIALLY SINCE IM JU ST DUMB PLEASE OPENNENUPPPPPP

If only you could check your phone...

ACT IV.

The truth was that nothing scared you more than being seen. You were terrified, obsessed, haunted, tortured by the way you looked. It seemed silly that at this age, you could be so afflicted by such a thing, but it had been true for much of your life, even as a child.

It seemed natural to try and avoid the discovery of such an ugly sight to the one you loved. Wasn't that what love is? This was how you protected him.

"Okay, okay! I'm here! I was in the bathroom!" You hollered on your way to the door, wondering if you'd gotten in trouble with the RA.

Once you open the door, revealing a very out of breath Beomgyu whose fist was ready to have fallen back on the door but had paused as soon eye contact was made. Those round, angelic eyes just took you in. Your own did the same, but not quite as majestically. All words eluded you.

It was freezing cold outside considering his reddened nose and cheeks, sparse melted snowflakes on his long eyelashes and dyed hair.

"Y/N," Beomgyu finally voiced.

"Beomgyu," you said calmly, in the same tone as his to tease, though it didn't do much to cover your disbelief that he was here.

He threw his head back to exhale, still catching his breath, pointer finger up in the air. You almost felt bad. Worse than how you already felt.

Wordlessly, you gently pulled him inside your dorm, shutting the door behind him as he did his best to muster up to say what he had to say.

"Do you love me?" He managed, arching a thick eyebrow, and combing his hair back away from his face. His thick lips formed a pout: adorable but so concerned.

"Of course, I love you." You said like it wasn't a matter of question. He sighed, leaning against the wall.

"No, I know you love me. I'm asking if you love me love me. You know..." It was evident that he grew shy in the way he had said it: sounding so sure in the beginning but voice lowering as if he had never admitted it to himself before then. You could feel your heart pounding in your brain, in your ears, in your eyes, screaming in your pulses.

"Do you love me love me?" You couldn't help but ask, stepping over his question, which made him groan lightheartedly. "I asked first!"

That made you both grin, ignoring the heat in your faces.

Beomgyu's eyes doubted. There was always a hint of it in his pretty eyes that reflected wonder. And you'd caught it from the moment you both collided, even before through video calls. He was real. You had never known love before Beomgyu; it felt silly, immature even. It seemed foreign, but it was because it was new.

"I do." You nod through glimmering eyes, vision getting blurrier and blurrier. It was a confident answer through body language, your ever fidgeting fingers now clutched tightly in your sleeves. "I love you. I love everything about you, Beomgyu."

There it was. A shaky breath followed by a laughter wet with tears. Beomgyu even laughed with his throat, hearty and strong, looking up at the ceiling to blink away his tears.

"God, finally..." he said under his breath, and you couldn't help but laugh at that.

"I mean it," you assured, voice thinning out. "I adore you."

Beomgyu looked giddy. He kept grinning at the ground. Despite your thundering heart, a part of you relaxed at the way he just looked so happy, simply at the prospect of your love for him. The other heavier part wailed in silence at the lack of reciprocation. He had valid reasons to not —

"Y/N, will you let me tell you how I feel about you?" His sweet but gravelly voice suddenly resounded near you, now that he had taken a step closer to you. Beomgyu smiled easily, warmth radiating from his eyes. Oh, this guy liked you liked you. Your face and body was practically engulfed in flames of intense heat and sweat. Your insecurities and fears were just a cry far quieter to the disbelief of Beomgyu just being within reach. Back. Yours.

"Gyu..." you sniffled from behind your face mask, blinking away the tears that pooled and pooled. "You don't even know what I look like. You're going to change your mind." This warning you gave him secretly felt like a plea to 'please don't change your mind' and 'please don't go'. Beomgyu made you watch him wordlessly as he brought a hand to cup your jaw through your mask.

"I don't think I could change my mind even if I tried," he whispered. "But, would you let me at least take a glance of the one person I've loved for so long?"

Your hesitance was met with absolute patience. A nod accompanied by errant tears began the process of you bringing your hands to discard, Beomgyu's hands gently covering them to help you. It was a slow process that made you nearly see stars from anxious you were for him to see your face. You hid your face, looking away to breathe in and out for the sake of yourself and for Beomgyu. And when you turned to look back up, your wet, teary eyes streamed a little more with a sob from your lips.

"My God, you're so... You're just..." His eyes did not hide the way they scanned all of your face: all your imperfections, quirks in your skin or facial composition. "I'm what?" You held your breath with rapt attention, lungs and heart seized in impatience, in fear, in everything in between.

Beomgyu sighed a big one, rubbing your jaw with his thumb and lowering his face down more to yours to tell you, "you're beautiful".

He held your face in his hands as if it was fine china, admiring each and every feature with an overwhelming love in his eyes and sweet words that dripped from his mouth so easily. "I love your nose, your eyes, look at these eyelashes, I love this beauty spot right here, you are just so beautiful. I wish you knew just how lovely I find you..."

You cried and cried at that much to Beomgyu's sad "no, you're supposed to stop crying!"

He craved to meet your lips with his, to come in and truly meet the face of the one he adored the most. Just as he was slowly zooming in, after calming down enough to cease your tears, your hand cupped his own jaw to stop him.

"Not so fast, Beoms. I have to take you out on a date first." You teased, but it was an idea way within what you wanted to accomplish. He visibly lit up, a small excited squeal resonated from his throat. "Yes, please. This time, I get to to be the girl who gets taken out on dates with flowers and stuff."

Blinking away his comment, you nodded. "I don't know what that means, but sure. I've been meaning to ask you on a date, pretty boy." You blushed at the way you could just say it freely, your face in his hands, and his in yours. His eyelids fluttered at your words.

"All for me?"

"All for you. You have planned every hangout. It is the least I can do. I want you to feel just as special as you make me feel." Beomgyu nodded dreamily at that. He felt like he was on cloud 9, having to calm himself down for the date and the kiss while openly being in love with you. All for him.

ACT V.

He could not wait a second more, so the date was the very next day.

Although you had never been good at gaming, that didn't stop you from making an appointment for a slot at a PC room that served his favorite kind of food and desserts, even beer. Seeing his face light up at the realization of where you'd brought him was enough joy to have lit up the sun. He was so beautiful, and he was yours. It was in the same area as his apartment, one that now was like your second home — now that you had four, new best friends.

You both tried playing a two person game on one PC, but since you were ridiculously terrible, the date soon turned into you watching him play. Of course, he played his games with a big pout, upset at how he missed your loser skills. His teasing laugh only sealed the deal, leaving you to resume your unfair matches in his games.

Beomgyu was a real gamer. His commentary and reactions so endearing and hilarious to watch; he just possessed such contagious positive energy. You felt so happy. The date lasted hours and even after leaving the PC room, you took him to a small arcade to play some more. He helped won you a few giant prizes, sort of as pay back for one of the first times you'd hung out at an amusement park.

Once you were on the walk back, full of snacks and arcade food, stopping by for candy for a movie night with the guys, Beomgyu led you to a stop right over the bridge that you and he would take every morning to walk to that dreadful class.

"Yes?" You arched an eyebrow and jutted out your lip in confusion. Beomgyu had insisted you not wear your face mask, if you were comfortable, and with his endless praise, you did just as he had asked. It was a miracle.

He held your hand in his, locking fingers with you and his grin turning to a smirk.

"Y/N, I just wanted to thank you..." his ears burned red. You smirked in turn this time, eyes soft and tender for him. "What for, pretty boy? You're the one I should be thanking..." he giggled heartily at that, squeezing your hand.

"Y/N darling... I just wanted to thank you for having been there for me always. And for never giving up on me, and caring for me, and reassuring me all the time, and just taking me out. I feel so special and... good... when I'm with you," his shy confession made your eyes prickle. You nodded in encouragement, so he could keep going. He obliged, leaning down to press a kiss to your knuckles.

"Especially for taking me out with gaming. It really, really means a lot to me. Not-not as much as you, but... it's just that the reason I game is because I don’t have anywhere to go. All this time, I’ve been waiting for someone to invite me to go shopping together or something like that, just something. I’d look out the window and think to myself ‘wow, I really want to go out’ because the weather is so nice, but there’s no one that’s invited me to go. Even if my friends invite me out, it’s usually night time... and then, I met you." Your lips trembled into a pout. With a chuckle, Beomgyu's thumb caught your tears that were waiting to give at your bottom lashes. "I just really love you, Y/N. I'm so lucky to have you."

"I love you, Beoms." Your words came out muffled with the way you dove in to give him a bear hug, which he accepted generously.

Being in his embrace made you feel like you were a real person in a real home; it was safe. Perhaps you wouldn't be so easily free from the weight of your insecurities and he with his own doubts, but between the two of you, you would always be together, and you could always find home.

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