It came from you, or at least that’s what it felt like. I thought it was okay before, that you could think people were bad and God wouldn’t love them because I thought maybe they were actually bad people doing bad things, but I’m not and you made me feel like I was anyway. Maybe you didn’t mean to, but ‘distance to process’ feels a lot like judging me and thinking I’m bad to me, Hugo. But you don’t have to worry about coming back when you’re done having distance, I’m sure you can find other people that don’t do things that you don’t like and you can find friends you like better anyway.
I apologize that that’s what it felt like to you. I could apologize over and over again even if it hurts to have to apologize for making you feel like a bad person, because you should know that’s not what I meant. We’ve been best friends for almost two years, you should know I wouldn’t damn you for something like this, as if one morally questionable thing in the eyes of God changes who you are to me. I know most people think that’s how I think about things, because they have a certain idea about me based on what I believe and who my father was, but you’ve been there since I came to Walt, so you know that here in Walt is the first time I’ve been exposed to a lot of things, and you know that I’m aware that I was taught religion in a biased way from a bad person, and more than that, you’ve seen me try really hard to change the way I think about things. Premarital sex, gay people, so on and so forth - I don’t blindly judge people anymore, but that sort of deprogramming took time.
That’s all I was asking you for, some time to sort out in my head, with my beliefs and fears, so that I could figure something out with God and know you were safe despite all my learning screaming at me that you weren’t. ‘Distance to process’ is the opposite of judgement, it’s time away to suss things out, and time away so that I don’t say anything rash or mean to someone I care about in the process of sussing those things out. All I wanted was to get to a place of acceptance because I’m not trying to change you and because I appreciate you as you are, and it hurts that none of that matters to you. It doesn’t matter that I wanted to do the right thing, or that I never once called you a bad person or said I thought you were going to hell; it hurts that you, my best friend, heard all of that anyway and are willing to toss me away because of it.
And it hurts worse because I should have seen it sooner - if you ever thought there are people I deem irredeemable in the eyes of God despite knowing my complicated relationship with my father and my belief that hopefully even he can redeem himself, well, that makes me feel like a fool for not realizing how long you’d been hearing what you expected to hear instead of what I was saying. I’m so hurt that you ever let me think we were friends. Pretending to be my friend was even meaner than dismissing me like everyone else, it’s the worst feeling to know that the one person you thought actually saw you has just been seeing what everyone else sees. The only judgmental bully here is you, Astrid Bjorgman, and the worst part is that even though I immediately forgive you, you’ll probably be talking to your millions of other friends about how I’m cursing you to hell somewhere for having sex, continuing to completely miss the point about who I am and what you mean to me. So I’m sorry, I really am. I really am incredibly truly sorry that you never knew me, and I’m even more sorry that you don’t want the chance, because I really liked knowing you and it would have been nice to return the favor. Thinking I was your friend was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I hope if you ever feel sad or mad about this someday that you remember that you gave me the best almost-two years of my life, and that will forever mean something to me. Thank you.
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