It was almost 9 when we finished most of the preparations for the upcoming event. We bid our goodbyes to each other, but it was as if I was the only one saying goodbye. As we exited the gymnasium, they went to their group of friends, their partners, their companions - all except me.
I went on my way all alone.
At first, I didn't mind. But as I start to approach the dark, eerie area where there were no street lights, I began to overanalyze the situation. I got scared of whatever might happen to me. I felt so bad for myself. I thought about getting killed without being able to fight. I thought about getting raped merely because of the vulnerability caused by this unwanted isolation.
The way was very dark. the more I continue to walk, the lesser I get afraid, and the bigger my sadness became. just like this lonely road, I think I will forever be alone. with no friends willing to accompany me.
I wish I had friends, at that time. oh, I actually do: the moon that shone so bright sometimes in an attempt to lighten up the dark road I'm always forced to take; the stars that twinkle in the night sky that helps me remember that being alone is not so bad.
but, of course, they will never be enough. they're not even real. during that very walk, I yearned for real friendship. I want someone to accompany me as I walk through that gloomy street. I want someone to walk me home because it wasn't safe being alone. I want someone to show that they care.
maybe if I show people a bit more caring emotion, they'll do the same. just maybe.
when will I ever experience that? the feeling of belongingness. the feeling when someone really wants to be with you. the feeling that someone would miss your presence. the feeling that someone would willingly welcome you to their life. that feeling when someone really invests their time in you not because they're obligated to do so due to some favors, but because they really want to.
will I ever experience that?
I hope I'd know the answer soon. I can't make myself hope for something that will never come true.
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