Adversarial

Keep lots of plants in the house. Dress up for tea and reading. Its always the darkest before the dawn. Never underestimate anything. Fall in love while doing something you love. Wander down dark alleys, its not as scary as you think it is. Immortalize love with your writings. We are not naturally better than anyone, don't take credit for the circumstances God gave us. Sleep on it. Run till your heart beats so fast that you can make cheesy comments about "being alive". Rough sex is good sex. Be a slutty nerd. Snowboarding is the embodiment of freedom. Marry someone who will play MKart and DoA on a N64 console in bed with you. Inspiration via the kitchen. Que sera sera. I am going to travel the world and come home one day to tell you all the stories… 20 something Canadian-Chinese girl aiming to live in China for the next few years. Food eater, air breather, constant wanderer.

[beautifuldreamsofgreen]

when was the last time i posted something on here?

years ago!

somethings have changed, but more than a few things are still the same. i’m still the yoga-obessessed, tea-loving, OCD girl with messy hair and awkward smile. 

the blog i update the most on is called avecqueenS (incase anyone is interested). 

ps 20 days till my birthday! 

[huijiadezhe]

Dear J.

I don’t know when you’ll see this, but knowing you and your need to know what’s going on, I’m sure it won’t be long before you check up on me. I don’t blog anymore as I can’t think of anything to say these days except “I’m drowning” or “I don’t know how to fix this”. But since this is where everything started, it seems very fitting that we both get final closure here.

I can not accept that you have met someone else while last week you were still telling me that you wanted me. Is this who you are? If so, then I absolutely hate this side of you. But why am I surprised? I know what you are and I know what you're not. Maybe the shock of the reality hasn’t settled in me yet. You and your separation of the mind where each one of your girls exists in their own world that doesn’t interfere. It took me a very long time to understand this side of you, and even now there are logic gaps. Maybe I made a huge mistake and my ego is having a hard time dealing with it. Whatever the case, what is done is done.

There’s a lot of anger and resentment towards you at the moment. Its honestly surprising how many times you can tell me that I’m not good enough to date you, yet you refuse to make a clean break with me when I can’t deal with how things are going with us. Now suddenly you have someone else and I am tossed aside like leftover sandwich that has gone bad. Suppose I should be grateful; though the circumstances of this break isn’t ideal, we both know we’ll get here one way or another. Chemistry isn’t enough to make a good relationship.

I loved you so much, even if I only ever said it to you once for the two years that we’ve known each other. I loved you through my trust issues, insecurities, and every flighty instinct to run. It was so hard for me to open up when I can still feel the scars along the walls of my heart, but you’ve worn me down with your patience and relentlessness. I told you things I never ever thought I would tell anyone; the feelings of support and complete trust was so foreign to me. 

When I was alone in another lonely hotel room in a place that’s too far from where you were, our brief exchanges of messages was the only thing holding me together; simply just a “hey” keeps the all consuming despair of melancholy at bay. When I was at another rooftop gala where expensive alcohol flowed too freely and the advances of rich men with $20,000 watches was too familiar, I was able to stave off temptations for a grander time because I knew lavish gifts and bottle service is nothing compared to 3am $7 noodles with you after a long study session. Some days it honestly felt like I couldn’t get through it.

I know that I had my faults with you. There are a lot of things that I wish I could’ve done differently. But I hate dwelling on the “what ifs” in life, so I’m not going to make myself miserable by playing pretend. There was a time when I believed that the end of our involvement doesn’t have to mean the end of you and me as something more platonic, but you made me out to be easily replaceable and choose someone else. I won’t do anything to salvage what we had except finish this letter, think about us one last time, and proceed to live a life where you’re no longer apart of. I can only hope that in a city of 20,000,000 people, God will be kind enough to not let our path cross in the near future.

- Fan 

[huijiadezhe]

A lot can happen between now and never.

[drugera]

[huijiadezhe]

It's been like a little inside joke... I would name the city and state the time then tell him I miss him. Leaving traces of my thoughts of him all over the world. But do I only think of him that single time frame I sent the message? If only that was true. He's on my mind constantly; I can't help myself. Why fight it and be miserable? Might as well enjoy it.

[huijiadezhe]

Potentials.

[huijiadezhe]

S: are you the right one?

H: if I want to be.

[i-n-s-e-n-s-i-v-e-l]

[domwithpen-deactivated20140601]

The little moments.

[huijiadezhe]

The incomparable intimacy of sharing raw truths... Someday I will allow myself to let my guard down enough to do that with someone, but in the meantime, I've got this blog. Things are coming together. School, scholarships, internships, side job to make me more social, kitchen time, cross training... Going to see a friend next weekend in Toronto. He's my rock.

[huijiadezhe]

Fresh air and drawn out east-coast accents.

[huijiadezhe]

Beautiful Harvard campus :)

[huijiadezhe]

Off we go...

[huijiadezhe]

Tea 20s Jazz Roman Philosophy

thursday night 

[huijiadezhe]

I feel suffocated. Not from the heat or anything, but as if there's an invisible wilderbeast constantly sitting on my chest making it hard to breath. It's been happening for awhile. I have a hard time explaining it. I thought it was the stress of the job and school that caused it, but apparently it's a lot more rooted than I anticipated. Going for a walk now.

[huijiadezhe]

Today I found out that my favourite author, Mr. Gabriel García Márquez, has passed away last month... 

[huijiadezhe]

There's always an excuse isn't there?

  For reasons to stay, reasons to go, reasons to lie, reasons to just close your eyes and pretend that it didn't happen. Its astonishing how much it didn't happen.

  In the end you know what you have to do, don't you?

  I know how the story will end. 

[huijiadezhe]

I am more critical of myself than anyone else can ever be. Not because I have low self esteem or that I feel that I am less than others, but my rooted belief that complacency is a terribly dangerous state of being…